This Country (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Family Loyalties - full transcript

- So, this is it.
- Yeah.

Home, sweet home.

Kitchen area.

- Yeah.
- You've got a bed, look!

Yeah. And a chair. Watch this.

- It's quality, Len!
- Yeah.

- And I've got this. Look here.
- Yeah.

Len's been living in a lock-up,
ain't you, Len?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

He can't get into his house any more,
cos it's so hoarded.

There's stuff piled up to the ceilings,
isn't there, Len?



- You can't get in the front door now.
- Yeah.

Council found
that he'd been hoarding, like,

jars of his own faeces
since, like, '98 and that.

Yeah, that was... that was a bit bad.

Yeah.

What you want to do is not hoard
this place up like the last place.

I think you'd be all right then.

Yeah. Cos if I set my mind to it, then if
I think I can do it, I know I can do it.

Yeah.

But I'm getting a new tea towel,
and that's not cos I'm hoarding it,

it's cos I need one.

- A tea towel's all right.
- Well, a tea towel's all right.

Yeah.

Yeah.



This is it. This is the bowls club.
My empire.

Meet Colin - he's our newest member,
ain't you?

Been here for a couple of weeks.

He was getting picked on
the first week, weren't you? A little bit.

But, yeah,
you're settling in well, all right?

Yeah. A couple of the older members
have been nasty, but we stamped that out.

All right, gents. You good?

I've been working here
since last month.

There was a job going here
and the vicar made me apply for it.

At first I was like, "Fuck this,"

cos it's full of old stinkers,

but actually, they're all right
once you get to know 'em.

As long as you don't mention foreigners

or self-service checkouts.

Cos they really don't like
either of those things,

and they'll make sure
they let you know about that.

All right, girls.
You behaving yourselves?

Yeah

Hands off, Wendy, I don't think
Arthur would be happy if he saw that.

Talk of the devil!

Usual, Arthur?

Yeah.

I'm enjoying it, actually.

I really didn't think I would,
but, yeah, it's going really well.

So, don't tell my dad
I showed you this, yeah?

But this is what I've been storing here.

Well, about a week ago, right,
my dad sat me down and he said,

"Ker, how do you fancy going
into business with your old man?"

"Like, renting a lock-up out
and letting me store me wares in it."

I just, like...

I thought I was going to cry.

But it wasn't because I was sad,

it was because my whole life
I've been telling people,

one day me and my dad
will go into business together.

And people were like,
"Kerry, it's never going to happen."

You know, "Get your head
out of the clouds,

"this is getting absolutely
heartbreaking now."

But I just knew in my heart
and I never let go of that.

So, my dad's got a mate called Spud
who works in the Dyson factory.

And all of these
were going to get thrown out,

but there's absolutely
nothing wrong with them, you see?

They're all tip-top.

So, my dad basically takes them off
his hands for a small fee,

and then I store them here
and he sells them on for a higher fee.

So, just, you know, everyone's laughing.

Such a small idea for a business.

You see this guy, here?

Right, he had an Action Man surgically
removed from his arse, no word of a lie.

And he told the doctor,
"As I was coming out of the bath,

"I slipped on the bath mat
and I fell on it."

And the doctor said, "That's funny,
because why's there a condom on it, then?"

And he just went like this.

I mean, what can you say?

Odd.

It's pretty tight, this game, now.

This is the vicar's go, so...

Come on, Vics!
This is it, son. You can do it.

He's fucked it.

Unlucky, Vics!

He's absolutely fucked it there.

Yeah.

He's fucked it for the entire team.
They won't come back from that now.

So disappointing. If I had it my way,
I'd just haul him off.

Haul him off,
wouldn't even talk to him.

I am absolutely...

...thrilled.
He's doing so brilliantly well.

He's... He's a different lad.

He's responsible, he's in control,

I think he's found his calling.

- And everyone...
- Vicar! Sorry, mate.

You've still got your bowling shoes on
in the bar area.

Goodness me!

I'm away with the fairies!

It's a bit annoying, actually. Cos this
is not the first or the second time

I've had to tell you, really, is it?

- No, sorry, Kurtan.
- It's all right. As you were.

So, as you can see...

I'm only saying it because, you know,

people look up to you.
And if they see you doing it,

they're going to think
it's all right for them to do it,

and that's, you know, that's when it gets
absolutely bloody bananas in here.

- Yeah.

- Understood.
- As you were.

So, me and Len
are basically neighbours now.

And as much as he winds me up
and wounds me up,

he's had a very hard time recently.

His sparkle has just gone.

So... And he's actually
a really good neighbour as well,

because he keeps an eye on my lock-up,

and sometimes, if I'm here,
he makes me a cup of tea.

- That's my da.

That's my da, look.

All right, Da?

- Come here, you.

What?

What's wrong

What have we said
about the cameras being here?

I didn't know they were going to be here.
I'm so sorry, Da.

I'll find someone else to work with
if you're going to fart about.

Please, no. It'll be absolutely fine.
I won't let them be...

- I've had it up to here. Get in the van.
- I'm sorry, Da.

Yes, it's legit. Of course it's legit.

Why would I put the lock-up
in my name if I didn't think it was legit?

You know, my dad
doesn't want to be on camera

because he's had his business ideas
nicked before.

You know my dad actually
wrote the song Wonderwall

on the back of a beer mat
in the space of ten minutes, don't you?

And he was at the Keepers,
and he just threw it on the floor

because he thought,
"This is just absolutely rubbish."

And guess what brothers
came into the Keepers that day

working as crisps salesmen?

It was Bros, who then, later on
at another gig, threw it on the floor,

cos they just thought,
"This is actually not working."

But the Gallagher brothers were there,
and they picked it up

and worked with it.

Four ham, four cheese.

Do you know what? I had six requests
yesterday for cucumber sandwiches,

so I did ten, and no-one touched them.

I actually found one spat out
in a napkin hidden under a table.

But that's the thing. They think they know
what they want, but actually,

they don't know what they want.

They're very much like babies in that
sense.

All right?

All right.

What are you wearing?

Official England merchandise.
Manager's jacket.

When did you get that?

- Got it over there.
- That looks dead smart, there!

- The quality is...
- I can see it from here!

The thread work and the lining
really works.

That is official as well, isn't it?

Yeah.

The beauty of working with my dad
is we get to hang out together.

And also have a bit of cash to splash.

- Got this for you, as well.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Well, open it and see.

I actually bought the wrapping paper
as well.

That's not just recycled off
an old present.

- My God!

- Yeah.

No, I'm not kidding you, yeah.

My God, Ker.

That... That's amazing!

- Well, give it a go, then.
- Yeah, all right.

- That is brilliant.

- Absolutely brilliant!

- You're so happy with that.
- I'm over the moon!

Do you know what?
That's absolutely great,

cos I've just got a tiny, tiny, tiny
little favour to ask you.

What favour?

Just need to store some stuff
at the bowls club, that's all.

Why?

Because the lock-up's
just completely full.

I can't store anything at home either

because Mum's just hitting the roof
about it.

Kurtan will never make any money,

because he's too much of a worry worm,
like his nan.

Do you know what?

They were both so worried
about the millennium bug

that they actually made a suicide pact.

Which would have been a shame,

because he would have missed out
on the demise of Ceefax.

And he absolutely loved that,
seeing that go down.

Because he hated the graphics
and he hated the loading times.

That's it, back it up, back it up,
back it up, back it up.

There we go, and... Boom!

Christ! It's not all this, is it?

Yeah.

Ker, I haven't got the space for all this!
You only said it was going to be a couple.

It's not going to be for long, it's fine.

I really don't...
Can't someone else do it?

I've already got Len
to fill his lock-up with them.

What? You know Len's got a problem
with hoarding.

You shouldn't be doing that to him!

It's not a problem, Kurtan, it's a quirk.

- Ker, hurry up!
- Yeah, slow down, Spud, mate.

- My dad's mate, Spud.

Great. So, Martin's involved?
Well, this ain't going to be fishy, then!

It's not fishy, cos it's absolutely legit.

You know, if you're going to fart me
about, I'll just take your Hoover back.

Quickly, then.

Agh!

What's that
Wally of the Year up on the shelf?

Wally of... This...
This is a little thing we do at the club.

We hand it out to,
well, the Wally of the Year.

And it's coming up this year.
We've got a few contenders for that.

Colin, for one...

- I want to sit in the window!
- He's...

Well, I'm sitting in the window.

First come, first served,
you miserable old git!

Sorry.

Don't you dare say
"miserable old git" to me like that!

- Oi! Oi! Guys! Oi!
- I'll say it any bloody way I want!

- I'll say it like this! Blah, blah, blah.
- Guys!

Stop it! Stop it! Arthur!

He was sitting in the window
twice this week.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it, Len!

Stop it! All right?
If this is about the window, yeah,

you had your turn yesterday, yeah
So let Len have his turn today. All right?

- Well, it's my turn tomorrow!
- Yeah, that is...

- And my turn the day after!

Go back, sit down over there,
please, Arthur, please.

- All right, yeah.

Yeah? Don't... I'm just not...
not really up for this today, lads.

All right? Sit down, that's it.

It's like running a kindergarten centre
here sometimes.

The way they behave, it's embarrassing.

Arthur and... Well, I know who's going
to be Wally of the Year.

I know who's on my... top of my list.

Arthur, probably.

Knobhead.

So, in the '90s, right, there used to be
a bunch of kids used to hang out here

and used to sniff glue and that.
And one of them was called Rug Rat,

and he sniffed so much glue that his
nostrils actually, like, stuck together.

And the doctor says to him,
"Look, I'm so sorry,

"but unfortunately,
you're going to have to talk like this...

"...for the rest of your life."

But then, he got a job
doing voices on cartoons.

He's made a massive success
out of himself.

So it just goes to show, you can be
anything you want to be, really,

if you put your mind to it.

Kerry Mucklowe

Er, I don't think it is, no.

It's registered in your name.

Er, well, it could be.
Because, I mean, nobody tells me anything.

Shall we go down the station,
sort this out?

Er, well, you can if you want.
I'm probably just going to head back.

Can you get in the car, please?

Are you asking me? Or are you...

- I'm telling you.
Yep.

This car, is it?

- Yep, that's the one.

- Just get in.
- I'll see you later.

OK.

Anyone here lost a hearing aid?

No?

No-one's going to claim it, it's going
to go straight in the bin.

For lost property,
my policy is the ten-second rule.

Right, in the bin it goes.

If it's not claimed after ten seconds,
just dump it in the...

Kerry's mum.

What does she want
Fuck it, I'll answer anyway.

Hello?

Hello?

Are you all right?

Hello, can you hear me now?

Well, you rang me!

Yeah, what... what is it?

Yeah?

Shit. Why?

Why?

Martin. I said it was dodgy, didn't I?

All right, yeah, all right.

Er, I'd better go, then.
I'd better go then, Sue!

I'm just saying I'd better go, then!

Yeah, the connection's bad, it's fine!

OK? All right!

Yeah, I'll let you go. All right?

Hello, I said I'm going to go!

Fuck it.

Fuck. Martin, yeah.

I said it. I said it from the start
it was dodgy.

It just whiffed of dodgy. I bet...

Fuck's sake...

Yeah?

Hello?

Yeah, you all right?

Hello?

Right. Er...

Yeah. Fuck it.
I'd better go and call the vicar.

G

OK, Kerry. Thanks for coming in.

Just to confirm
that you've been cautioned

and are entitled to free legal advice,
which you've declined.

- Because I ain't doing anything wrong.

Can I also say, as my human right,

you have not asked me
if I want a glass of water?

And I am legally entitled to that
as well.

OK, would you like a glass of water?

No. But thank you for asking me.
That is correct conduct.

OK, So... We have evidence to suggest
that your father, Martin Mucklowe,

has been involved
in the transportation and storage

of stolen goods
from a factory in Malmesbury.

And it's our belief that he's been
using you to store them in a lock-up

rented out in your name.

No, because they weren't stolen.
They'd been thrown away.

It's like, you know... you know
the tea rooms in town,

where if they, like, can't sell
all their paninis in the day,

they just put it in a bin bag

and they put it outside the shop
for the homeless, and foxes,

and sometimes
badgers get in there...

OK, Kerry. I need you to appreciate
the significance of this situation, OK?

Yeah, but also, have you ever seen
The Raggy Dolls on CBBC?

Because that's very similar.

It's, like, the dolls,
if they're not in full working order,

like, their arms and their legs
and that...

They should have all their limbs,

and these don't have their limbs,
so they get thrown away into a thing.

And that's very similar to the Hoovers.

Because the Hoovers
are very much like the dolls.

Because they also want
to find loving homes.

Look, I know you're trying
to protect your dad,

but you have to tell us the truth.

I am telling the truth.
My dad's not a criminal.

When I think of Kerry Mucklowe,
I think of someone

who is very loyal. And very, very stupid.

Sort of more stupid than loyal.

Sort of 70% stupid, 30% loyal, probably.

Because she's very loyal.

But extremely stupid.

Bored!

- Yep. It's...
- Bored!

It's boring. I'm bored too, I'm bored too.

- Yep.

Well, then, why don't you actually
investigate a proper crime,

rather than just hounding me
and my dad

for absolutely no reason,
over some little Hoovers?

Kerry... I don't think you understand
the severity of this crime.

If convicted, you can face up
to seven years in prison.

And... as things stand, there are
168 stolen vacuum cleaners in a lock-up

rented out under your name.

Now, this is your final opportunity
to give us your account.

Were you in the year below me at school?

Yes.

You used to hang out with Darren Lockhart
and that?

I did, yeah.

Have you heard what's happened to him now?

He got sacked from the leisure centre
cos he made his own periscope

and was peeping on the girls
in changing rooms.

- I wouldn't know.
- Well, you should know,

cos if you want to be investigating
anything, mate, I'd be investigating that.

Interview terminated at 13.48.

That was hard,

that was really hard.
He was absolutely seething,

cos he couldn't get
any information out of me.

Basically, PC Webber

was trying to get me and my dad
to turn on each other.

What he doesn't know is
us Mucklowes ain't grasses.

My dad, right, always taught me
Mucklowes look after Mucklowes.

Well, I don't really know her.
I mean, she's my daughter and that, but...

Right.

...I've had nothing to do with her,
cos she's trouble.

OK.

As for the stolen stuff,
well, I wouldn't put it past her.

What do you mean,
you wouldn't put it past her?

Well, make of it what you will, you know.

Unfortunately for Kerry,

she has one very big hole in her life.

And that's Martin.

And what makes it even more difficult
for Kerry is that,

living in the same village as her father,

she's always going to feel that
that loving relationship

she so desperately craves
is just within reach...

..when, in fact,

he might as well be living
on the other side of the world.

Ker. What's all this?

Hoovers.

Yeah, I know it's Hoovers,
but what are they still doing here?

"A few days," you said.

Well, I've got to leave them here
cos I can't put them anywhere else.

Ker, if they find this lot here,
I'm going to get the blame, right?

Next thing I know, Terry's going to be
taking my tie off me and my key fob,

and I can't lose this job.
This means the world to me, this job.

You know?

The other day, Terry said he'd never
seen the glasses look so clean.

He said they looked like the glasses
from the Finish adverts.

And that's cos I go that extra mile,

cos I put a tiny bit
of Fairy washing-up liquid

in with the dishwashing tablets, right?

And it makes all the fucking difference.

And your dad is going
to fuck that up for me.

You've got to tell the truth,

or he's going to fucking drag me down
and you down with him.

Kurtan, Mucklowes look after Mucklowes, so
you've got nothing to worry about, mate.

Yeah, and I'm a Mucklowe.
You're not looking after me.

Yeah, well, my dad's a Mucklowe
and you're not looking after him, are you?

Yeah, cos he's a fucking scumbag,
Kerry,

and he's going to fucking
stitch you up again.

He's not going to stitch me up,
cos my dad loves me.

Do you know what?
I actually don't think he loves you at all

and I don't think he's ever loved you.

All right, that's harsh
and unnecessary, but fine.

Right, you remember

- Yeah.

Yeah?

- And you nearly died.
- Yeah, I did, yeah.

It was pretty serious, right?

And you were in hospital
and your dad wasn't there, was he?

- No. He wasn't there.
- No. Cos he was too busy.

- Too busy down the Keepers.
- Yeah.

- He was playing on the fruit machine.

Playing on the fruity, exactly, thank you.

Yeah, because it was
just about to pay out,

so he's not exactly going to leave it,
is he?

What, is he going to just let someone else
go and swan in and go on it?

No, don't think so.

I have never known someone love
someone less than Martin loves you.

OK

Cos Martin loves Martin, right?
And no-one else.

Well, why have me and my dad
been texting each other, then?

- Just texting now, look.

- Each other.

About meeting up
to get our ducks in order.

What does that mean?

I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure
it means that he's got plans...

Len! Len's been using
the ladies' toilet again!

Fuck's sake.

What you dobbing me in for?

Can you see the sort of shit I've already
got to deal with here with them two?

Look, we're in
a little bit of hot water, Ker.

Yeah.

So I've been having a long hard
think about how to sort it out, right?

Yeah.

The plan is,
you go down to the police station.

Right.

- Ask for PC Webber.
- Yeah.

Takes you to the interview room.

- Right.
- You've got to start crying.

And you've got to say,
"Nothing to do with my dad.

"It's all me, all me.
I stole them Hoovers."

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you go down
for six months or so.

Right.

And that's it.

I... I don't want
to go to prison, though, Da.

You might enjoy it, Ker.
And you never know,

you might find a lover in there.

Some of these places these days
are like bloody Butlin's.

I mean, you've got pool tables,
they feed you, you've got bunk beds...

I can't go to prison, Da.

Kerry,
Mucklowes look after Mucklowes.

You do love your old dad, don't you?

Course I do.

You wouldn't want to see him
go inside, would you?

No, of course not.

Well...

Do you love me, Da?

It's not about love, Ker,

it's about having a stiff upper lip
and getting on with the job in hand.

Yeah, but you do love me, though,
don't you, Da?

I'll be honest with you.
A couple of years ago...

...I had a job. Long-haul lorry driving
for Hawkin's Bazaar.

Yeah?

And one day, I was coming back
from Dover late at night

- with a lorry-load of puppets...
- Yeah.

...and this little dog darted out
in front of me.

No collar, no nothing.

I swerved to avoid him,

but, well, I hit him head-on.

I stopped the cab, got down,

and its legs were mangled like

- a drawer full of phone chargers.
- God.

I picked him up,

- cradled his head as he was dying.

And I looked into his big, brown eyes.

And I felt absolutely nothing.

And you know why?

Because I've got no empathy. Zilch.

Zero, nil points, nothing. So...

You...

...you will write to me, though,
won't you, Da?

Have you not listened to a word
I've just said?

Right.

Take me to the police station.

Well, it's not really
on my way, Ker.

Yeah. Sorry.

- Just...

Well, I'll see you, though, Da?

Mucklowes don't look
after Mucklowes.

Mucklowes are the problem.

You know, you need someone
to protect you from the Mucklowes.

And I say that as a Mucklowe myself.

The thing is, you've got to realise

what kind of a relationship
she's had with her father

and how that's affected
her whole outlook on life.

I don't know how many times
he's fucked her over,

and she never learns.

I'm not even angry with him any more.
I'm angry with her.

She makes the same mistakes
time and time again

and she doesn't listen to the people
who actually give a shit about her.

I like Kerry,
I've got a lot of time for Kerry.

She's a good girl, Kerry is.

She's lazy, she stinks...

...she's rude, nasty.

I see a lot of myself in her, really.

She is thick,
but she's not as thick as she looks.

She looks thicker than...

She's thick, but she's not...
She looks thicker than she actually is...

...whereas Kurtan...

...is thicker than he looks
and he looks thick.

Have you seen Friends?

Cos I think Kerry and Martin
are a lot like Gunther and Rachel,

because Gunther loves Rachel,

but Rachel doesn't give a shit
about Gunther.

He's just some guy
who works in a cafe, serving coffee.

You know? And he should focus
on what he does have,

which is a great little business.

Yes, I do think there is a point
at which people just have to

stand on their own two feet

and take responsibility
for their decisions.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Um, I was wondering if I could speak
to PC Webber, please.

Unfortunately,
when it comes to Martin,

she seems to always
make the wrong decisions.

"Mucklowes look after Mucklowes"
is our family code.

And a lot of people
wouldn't understand it.

I'm only just starting
to understand it myself, to be fair.

We're ready for you,
if you'd like to come through.