This Country (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Minor Injuries - full transcript

Mum gets night terrors
when she sleeps during the day.

But, like, she's literally,

like, that close to
falling off her bed as well.

But apparently
you can't wake them up

when they're having night terrors,

because they can have
a heart attack -

or even worse,
they could foul themselves.

Shit!

- It's all right.

She's still asleep.

Hello. Hi.



Er, yeah, I need the timetable
for the 51 bus, please.

- Yup.

51...

So, tomorrow I'm going to TK Maxx
in Swindon,

and I have to go tomorrow cos it's the
first Saturday of the month,

and that's when all the new stock
is released.

And if I leave it any later,
it'll just be the dregs left.

But getting there
is an absolute nightmare.

Right. Right.

Down.

Fuck me, it's like Crystal Maze!

Cos these places can't afford
to pay people, they get

any old fuck-up
to come in and volunteer,

and no-one can have a go at them
for fucking it up



because they're fucking it up
for free.

That's... that's...

...opening times at Birdland.

You should know that, cos
there are two penguins on the front.

Yeah.

Um, is there anyone here who works
for money, that I could...?

- Only me, I'm afraid.
- Right.

- Ooh, Len!

Len, you don't know
about the bus, do you?

- It's fine...
What bus?

- It's fine.
- The 51.

Don't... Honestly, don't get him involved,

- it's fine...

- Good luck with that, mate.
- Well done.

- No-one ever catches the 51.
- Yeah, OK.

You can't get it.

Yes, I think there is a strain
on local services in the village.

There's certainly a lack of funding.

You could be waiting for hours
to get the 51...

- OK.
- ...and it won't come.

- Thanks for nothing. All right, bye.

And as a village,
we have had to rely on volunteers,

who, may I add,
are all absolutely fantastic.

Fuck's sake!

All right, I've got
football training this morning.

Basically, every Saturday
for the last few weeks,

the vicar's started
footy practice at the park.

And he's letting me help him run it.

Fuck! Where's my England shirt?

Mum! Mum!

Where's me England shirt?

Me England shirt. I can't find it.

Shut up! I haven't.

I haven't done that.

Just... don't listen.

Just...

...stupid.

I don't fancy Cain Dingle.

I just respect him, because
he's the only one in his family

that's got his head screwed on.

Aah.

We, er, did have
a few sports clubs in the village,

but sadly the funding stopped
and the clubs ended,

so, er, I've tried to get things
going again

by helping organise
some football training.

I know how important it is
to get young people active.

Kerry, if you don't mind
distributing those, that would be great.

Just to remind you,
remember the instep, trap, pass.

Trap, pass.

Although I don't consider myself
much of a sportsman these days,

I was quite a handy goal attack
in my university netball team.

I, um, I-I had the nickname Fiery Francis,

because I had a bit of a temper on court.

Thankfully, I don't have to get
a bus to go to Swindon now

to go to TK Maxx.

Vicar said he'll drop me off
after football practice.

To be honest,
I don't know why anyone bothers

going to that football practice.
It's a freak show.

Hello?

What's happened?

Typical.

Absolutely typical. Yeah, all right.

I'm coming now.

Something's happened with Kerry
at football, so...

...I'd better go.

What happened?

Pork Chop absolutely KO'd me.

No, she slipped awkwardly
on the grass.

She's... she's in agony,
I'm taking her to A&E...

Pork Chop basically slide-tackled me
for absolutely no reason.

Now I actually can't feel my leg.

Well, we'll just drop her off first,
then, shall we?

And then go to TK Maxx.

I can't even think about that
right now, Kurtan.

I'm just getting the car, just stay there.
All right?

- No.

What happened?

It was Pork Chop.

And Slugs.

But he slide-tackled me...

...out of spite, because I was
scoring too many goals.

I'm going to go into shock, Kurtan.

I'm in so much pain!

Kerry has a very low pain threshold,

but a very high emotional pain threshold.

Like, I've been with her when
she's knocked on her dad's door

and you can hear him inside going,
"Shit! It's Kerry! Hide!"

and literally nothing from her,
not even a tear.

But Kerry physically
can't deal with pain.

OK.

I really don't think we've got to
go to A&E, though.

- Look, we do, Kurtan, actually.
- I really don't think she needs...

Kurtan, I'm going to need your help,
all right?

One, two, three, and lift!

Vicar!

Your finger's going up my arsehole, mate.

Sorry, sorry.

Swivel round... and just

- put your bottom in first.
- OK, OK.

I'll hold the back of your head,
so you don't bash yourself.

There we go, you're in.
Well done, Kerry. Well done.

Well done, Kerry.

- I have to go to TK Maxx today.
- Look, Kurtan, not now.

I can't go tomorrow,
can't go next day.

You did say, though, didn't you?

- That I could go to TK Maxx today...
- Kurtan, not now.

All right? Can you just
get in the back, please?

Please, come on.

Vicar!

Vicar!

Vicar, oi!

- You can't be driving on here.

Yes, I know, but actually,
if you can see...

- You can't be driving on here, Vicar.
- I'm aware of that, Len,

- but it's an emergency.
- Well, emergency or no emergency,

old Graham's not going to be happy
when he sees tarmac...

For goodness' sake, Len,
just move on!

Excuse me. Mind yourself.

I can't believe
you shouted at Len!

- Yes, well...
- That was brutal!

He looked like he was going to cry.

OK, take it slowly, Kerry.
You're doing really well.

There we are.

Hello there. OK, just...

...just a few more.

Hello, somebody been in the wars?

Yeah, me.

OK, can I take your name, love?

Kerry Mucklowe.

Kerry...
And how are we spelling that?

M-U-C-K-L-O-W-E.

OK. And what's the symptoms,
what's the matter?

Um, I basically smashed my leg
to smithereens.

Well, maybe, we don't know yet.

I can't feel it. It's just from
about there to about there.

And it's completely swollen as well.

It might be a fracture, but we don't...

All right. If you want to go and
take a seat in the waiting room, love,

we'll get someone to come
and see you as soon as we can.

- OK, thank you.
- Wonderful. Thank you so much.

Now, take it slowly, Kerry.
That's it. There we go.

- Yeah...

...how soon do you think that will be?

What, till she's seen?
Well, we'll go as quick as we can,

so it will depend how many people
are in there and, you know,

we will put the urgent cases...
They'll take priority.

Sort of roughly...?

As soon as we can, my love,

- All right, yep.

Yeah, nice...

Gareth Williams, please?

Thank you.

So, um...

Why?

What does that mean?

So will you get in trouble?

But it did happen at football training.

So you want me to lie?

What do you think God
will think about that?

- No, he won't. He won't.
- Kerry, please...

Fine.

But when I lie in future,
I don't want a massive lecture

on how bad lying is, cos deep down,
you're the worst of us all, mate.

- Fine, fine.

Right, I've got to check on the parking.
OK. Sorry.

- Stay there, it's all right.

Just one thing.

Just so you know -
the clock is ticking

and the best bargains are probably
being snapped up as we speak.

TK Maxx.

Kurtan, I'm really sorry, I...

I can't think about that right now.

We've got to just concentrate on Kerry.

We've got to look after her,

- we've got to stay with her...
- I know.

I asked you about going
to TK Maxx before she got...

I've got to do the parking meter,
all right?

Can we... Can we just have
this conversation a bit later?

Will you look after Kerry?

See if she needs a drink
or something.

Right? Sorry...

I'd quite like a Coke.

If that's all right.

I do enjoy spending time
with Kerry and Kurtan,

although sometimes they do act
a little bit younger than their years,

and that can be... challenging.

- Levi.

All right, Levi?

You'll never guess where I am.

Hospital, yeah.

Basically smashed my leg to fuck.

No, I'm just waiting for an X-ray,

but fuck knows what the doctors
are going to be able to do.

Yeah.

It's going to be like gluing
a breadstick back together, because...

Like, as if a breadstick's
been in a blender and it's all...

...the pieces smashed up.

Yeah.

Yeah, spread the word, won't you, yeah?

All right, cheers, mate. See you.

All right, Fries?

You'll never guess where I am.

Hospital, yeah.

Yeah, I basically just
smashed my leg to fuck.

Yeah, well,
I'm just waiting for an X-ray,

but fuck knows what the doctors are
going to be able to do about it.

Yeah.

It's going to be like
gluing back a breadstick

after it's been in a blender, innit?

Yeah.

All right, will you spread the word
for me, yeah?

All right, cheers, mate.

Yeah, see you. Bye.

The trouble with my lifestyle is,
I pick up a lot of injuries.

But I use that to my advantage.

Like, this one time I started
a fight club in the village hall,

and I got a black eye
from beating myself up.

But it made my enemies think,

"Fuck, if she can do that to herself,
what the fuck can she do to me?"

It's an absolute nightmare -
there's literally no parking spaces.

I've been driving around
for the last 20 minutes,

had to leave it
in a disabled parking bay. Um...

Have you, er, have you been seen yet?

- No.

Chill out,
I'm not going to rat you out

- for not having any insurance!
- Sh, sh, sh, sh!

Right, right, OK, I'm going
to move the car. Back in a sec.

His arsehole's like that.

Yeah, it is.

All right, Big Job?

Yeah, you'll never guess where I am.

- Hospital.

You heard?

Yeah, I just absolutely smashed
my leg to fuck...

- Fuck off!
- Well, I don't know, I think I've...

I'm absolutely 1,000% sure
I've broken it in two places,

but we'll just have to see what
the X-ray results come back as.

Yeah.

Well, I was just saying, it's like,

you know, gluing a breadstick
back together

after it's been in a blender.

All right, well,
you spread the word for me, yeah?

All right, cheers, mate.

- God.

The vicar.

- He has lost his head.

Why?

You have to see this. He's having a go
at a traffic warden. Fuck me!

- He's having a breakdown.

I knew this day would come.
He has genuinely lost it.

He has lost his mind!

- I'll tell you what that is.

- Horn rage.

If a bloke doesn't get rid of
his dirty water on a regular basis,

you get horn rage.
Me and Kirk used to get it.

We used to smash car wing mirrors
on the way home

after a night on the lash
if we hadn't pulled.

It's worse for the vicar as well,
because he's got massive nuts.

The vicar, right, he will have you
believe he is all sweetness and light.

But in reality,
he can really lose his shit.

Yeah, like this one time,
he drove me and Kurtan

to Burford Wildlife Park, and Kurtan
just looked in the vicar's ear

- and went, "Urgh, wax cave."
- Yeah. It was.

And the vicar was so furious,
he literally picked up a road atlas

and thwacked Kurtan with it.

And Kurtan phoned the police.

It was assault.

Are you joking me?

Don't whack it.

Fuck, it's just taken my money.

Fuck's sake!

I shouldn't even be here.

I should be in TK Maxx,
getting the bargains that I deserve.

Why are you so obsessed
with TK Maxx anyway?

Cos, unlike you, Kerry,
I'm not a fashion disaster.

I'm not a fashion disaster.

- You are!
- Am not.

Everyone thinks you are.
You know, would it kill you

for one World Cup to buy
an official England shirt?

This is an official England shirt.

No! No.

Kerry, how many lions are on your shirt?

- Four.
- Yeah.

And what's the famous song called,
about having lions on your shirt?

- Three Lions On A Shirt.
- Thank you.

Kerry ain't into fashion,
and you can tell.

You know, a lot of effort
goes into the way I look.

She looks an explosion
in an unofficial merchandise factory.

Right, if you want to

- wait for a minute...
- Shit.

- Fuck, it's my ex.

Fuck. Did she see me?

I don't know. I don't think she did, no.

She's going to want to
get back with me as well.

That is so embarrassing.

Fuck.

- That's her...

- That's her boyfriend.
- No!

That is. He just kissed her.

- He did!
- I cannot believe that.

- Can't believe that.

It's...

I'm still warm in my grave,
and she's sucking off the pallbearer.

You didn't want to get back with her
anyway, did you?

No, I didn't want to get back
with her, but that's not the point.

The point is, she's moved on so fast.

It's only been five weeks.

You know, it took me ten years
to get over Kirsty Taylor,

and I only went out with her
for half a day.

The problem with Kurtan
and Kirsty Taylor was,

it was a case of right person,
wrong time.

Kurtan was ready to settle down
and give her all of his heart,

but Kirsty was right in the middle
of her SATs,

and she had her cycling proficiency
coming up.

So her head was all over the shop.

- I cannot believe that.

Soph and her new boyfriend became
friends on Facebook

when I was still going out with her.

That is...

That tells you everything, doesn't it?

The guy was trying to worm his way in
from then.

- Shit.
- What a...

Pfft.

What a snake in the grass.

That is f...

I swear to God, if I see him here again,

I swear to God, I will have no hesitation
in just going up to him

and just planting one on his face.

I will, honestly.

- I will tear his head off.
- Yeah.

Don't even care. Don't care at all!

Excuse me.

What?

Could you keep it down, please?

- No.

Right, then keep your nose out of
my business, yeah?

Nosy old cock-womble.

She's absolutely livid.

- Yes.
- Hi, Kerry.

We're going to take you down
for an X-ray now.

- OK.
- All right, take your time.

OK.

I'll give you a hand. Up you come.

Quick as you can, Kerry. Be quick.

Take your time.

Oi, Kurtan.

All right, Mand?

You been rude to my mum?

The problem with living in
a village like this

is that you're always bumping into
the local nutjobs.

No-one knows where they stand
with Mandy,

because she's so unpredictable.

- No.

- No.

So you have been rude to my mum?

Ye... No. I've...

Is this...?
Is this about keeping it down?

Yeah, she's crying her eyes out
out there.

So I ain't leaving here

until you tell me word by word
what you just said to my mum.

- I was just chatting.

Quietly.

She said you was chatting loudly.

Well, could have been, I suppose.

OK, well, which one was it, then?
Quietly, or loudly?

- Loudly.
- Go on.

And then I...

I just said,
"Sorry, do you work here?"

Because I thought maybe she might
have been one of the nurses.

- She...

She didn't really say anything,
she just walked off.

And that was that, really. And it's...

I think you might be missing something.

Er...

Don't think... No, don't think so.

- That was it, yeah.

Yeah. No, I think you might have said
something else.

Tschhh...

Well, I...

I can't really remember
what I said now.

So you did say something else?

Yeah.

What did you say, Kurtan?

And I want it word by word.

I called her...

Yeah?

- ...a nosy...

- ...old...

- ...cock...

...womble.

Here, I'm just messing with you!

I'm just joking!

That's not really my mum!

What did you...

No! I just heard
that nosy old cock-womble

complaining about you at reception
and I thought it was funny,

I thought, "I know what I'll do -
I'll go in there and wind him up,

"and have a laugh with him!"

Mandy's attitude to me
is puzzling.

If I walk past her in the street
and say hi,

she'll tell me to fuck off.

Yet every year, she sends me
a really sweet, nice Christmas card.

You know, there's just
no consistency there.

How's Kerry, then

She's fine, yeah, she just hurt her leg.

- She's just having an X-ray done.
- Bless her.

Well, listen, you take care
and send her my love, yeah?

Thank you.

God. No.

Kerry, Kerry, I'm so, so sorry.

- The X-ray came back.
- No, it's broken.

No, no, it's not broken.
She's going to be fine.

- No.

It's very badly bruised.

And I asked if I could have a cast
or if I could have crutches,

and they said no.

Thank the Lord! It's not broken!

It's not broken.
Thank you so much, thank you.

- No problem.

Just a bit of elevation, lots of rest.

- Yes, you said.
- Thank you.

- So she'll be good.
- Wonderful. Let's get you home.

Take care. Bye-bye, Kerry.

- Thank you. Bye!
- Bye!

Badly bruised. I could have told
you that six hours ago.

I know.
It's good to get it checked, though.

Absolute waste of a day!

All right?

- Hi.

He's good-looking up close,
isn't he?

Shut up!

What?

What?!

Yeah, I told you I wasn't lying.

It's the sodium in it.

Golden Dragon!

Worst thing the vicar could ever have done
is told me he ain't got any insurance.

I've got him right here.

Made him get me that.

And tomorrow, he's taking
me and Kurtan to Wookey Hole.

And he's giving us 5 quid each
to spunk on the fruit machines

at the service station
on the way down there.

Don't show me any weakness,
because I will take advantage.

It's what I do.

Got what you wanted, did you?

Now you've made me look like a prat.

I think it really suits you.

The devil doesn't come in a cloak
and pointy horns.

He wears knitwear and drives a Golf.