This Country (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Oven Space - full transcript

Bumworth! Bumworth!

They're filming us, look. Oi!

Yeah, we're on TV, look.

BBC, yeah.

He's a fucking twat, don't film him.
He's a fucking bell end.

I'm so ill.

I can't even smell. I forgot what
it's like to smell.

You just take these sort of things
for granted, don't you?
KNOCK ON DOOR

What's the point in knocking if
you're just going to walk in anyway?

Fucking hell. Sorry, mate.

I'm so ill.



I'm so ill. You look like shit.

Is Uncle Nugget here yet?

No, he's not here.

Are these lot filming him, are they?
Yeah. Cos I got this.

Yeah, let's see it then.

Took me ages. I'll hold it.
No, no...

Hold it together.
I'll hold it together, then.

Justice. Justice.

On March the 13th, 2009,

our Uncle Nugget was wrongly
incinerated for having a laugh.

Incarcerated. And today he's being
released and he's coming home so

we're throwing a justice party for
him.

Well, the reason Uncle Nugget ended
up in prison was because he was just

having a laugh, right? He was at
Swindon bus station and one of the



bus drivers quickly got off the bus
to go and get some change and Uncle

Nugget seen this as an opportunity
to have a laugh.

So he quickly ran on the bus, there
were still some passengers on it,

turned on the ignition and just
drove the bus off and went round

and round the roundabout, for about
four hours.

It was a miscarriage of justice
though, cos what people forget is

12 out of them 20 hostages actually
found it funny. Yeah.

I'd never, honestly never seen that
many people crying in court.

Have you? Yeah. Tears of laughter,
though. Yeah.

Kerry does look up to her Uncle
Steve as a role model.

But...

I don't think Steve always

thinks very deeply about the example
he might be setting her.

So we started the "He Was Only
Having A Laugh" campaign because

we's the only one in the family that
has sort of stuck by him,

haven't we? Yeah.

Cos our Auntie Pat HATES him.

She says she can't touch him with a
bargepole, didn't she? Yeah.

No!

I said no.

I put it in the plant pot outside.

Oh, we got rid of that ages ago.

Oh, fuck knows where that is!

Oh, she'll just have to use this,
then, That'll do, won't it?

That'll do.

Mum, I can't...

I don't know where the hammer is but
I've found something else.

I can't wait to take Nugget down the
Keepers for his first pint of

freedom. Last time me and him went
down Keepers, yeah?

We got so smashed,

and when the pub closed he
frogmarched me to the cashpoint,

made me get 200 quid out.

Which is a bit annoying but when
Nugget wants something you can't

really sort of...

You've got to let him, cos he
gets a bit cross.

And...

yeah, he spent it all on acid and
knives, I think.

And a roasting joint, which he ended
up stabbing with the knives.

But it was a laugh. I mean...

Yeah, it's annoying, but...

He's just got that charm, you know?

You can't say no to him.

God, we were...
That was a mad night.

Same again tonight, I think.

I'll probably leave my bank card
here though.

So, me and Kurtan are both cousins,
right? And...

our Auntie Linda got married to
Nugget

so he's our uncle by marriage.

And they had a really good marriage
until one day they went to Ikea

and he brought back some, like,
flat-pack furniture

and he was so mad cos he lost
the instructions,

and he blamed her for stealing them,

cos he's very paranoid.

And he kept thinking that she was
making him have Alzheimer's cos

she kept apparently moving his
belongings, like his slippers.

The thing is with Nugget, you can be
having a laugh with him,

and we'll be laughing,
laughing, laughing,

he'll be laughing,
laughing, laughing

and then suddenly he'll stop...

..and be, like,
"What are you laughing at?"

Kerry, can you put the oven on,
please?

Sweet, I'm starving.

You're not having any. What, why?

Cos you're a skav - get your own
food. I'm not a skav.

I paid for this with my birthday
money. I'm not a skav.

Well, get a job and pay for
your own, then.

I have got a job - I babysit
people's pets, thanks.

Yeah, how's that going for you?
Well, it's early days.

You can have that if you want.
Look, that.

Fuck off, mate.

There's nothing I hate more than
when we go to the pub together and I

buy a packet of crisps and she takes
them,

opens them up and puts them on the
middle of the table to share.

I do do that. That's not her place
to do that.

KERRY SIGHS

Cos I bought them for me,
not to share.

Let it go. That's injustice.

Let it go.

But it was annoying. Also, when I
put 50p in the it-box

to play pub quiz, I don't want your
clammy fingers reaching over jabbing

the screen - "Mel C, Mel C" -
when the question clearly states,

"Which of the following is
NOT a Spice Girl?"

You know, we've got 15 seconds to
answer the question,

enough time to confer -

you don't have to just
jab, jab, jab.

We can choose the right answer.

Sorry. What the fuck?
I don't know why I did that.

What the fuck? Sorry.

Mum, what have we got to eat?

What have we got to eat?

I am looking in the freezer.

What?

What?!

WHAT?!

(Shit...)

I forgot.

Oh, fuck's sake. Business going
well then, Kerr?

Please can I just have some of your
pizza, Kurtan? No.

So selfish today!

Oh, yes - turkey dinosaurs.

Yes... Is it all right if I have
some, Kerr?

Yeah, if you give me a bit of
your pizza.

That's...that's not a fair swap.

Well, don't have any of my
turkey dinosaurs, then.

Yeah, but I'm the guest. Guest?

You're here more than I am, mate,
and it's my fucking oven.

Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

You're letting the heat out,
you lummock.

No, I'm going to take your pizza and
put it on the bottom shelf.

What are you doing, you big oaf?
Mine takes longer to cook, Kurtan.

That is just the way of the law.

Yeah, but my pizza, yeah, has to be
top shelf

otherwise it won't cook evenly.
Well...

OK, here we go, here's something
for you.

Why don't you give me some of
your crusts?

And then I'll let you have
top shelf.

No.

Here we go. This is going to be my
best offer. Right...

Because both of us want top shelf,

I suggest what we do is cut the
pizza in half...

We can't do that. No, sorry. Why?

Because I eat my pizza from
the inside out, right?

If you cut it in half, yeah, there's
no inside to eat out from.

I don't use the basic slice system,
Kerr,

which is why I get so fussy at
Pizza Hut.

Why are you crying?

I'm not crying, I'm just...

so hungry.

I'm really sorry, Kurtan, but at the
end of the day it is my oven so I am

going to have top shelf.

Just...don't cut my pizza in half,
please.

I won't. Just chill out.

It's just a pizza, Kurtan.

Kurtan gets very emotional, but
that's just what we're like
in this family.

One of my first memories of
Nugget is...

we all go round Nan's for Christmas
Day and she was about to get the

spread on and he was like,
Uncle Nugget was like,

"No, I want to watch Chicken Run
because I've been waiting for this
to come out for a year"

cos he loves Aardman Animations,
and she was like,

"No, we're all going to sit round
the table

"and we're going to eat the
Christmas lunch."

So he absolutely kicked off.

He said, "Well, why can't I just
watch it sat on my lap?

"And eat my food on my lap."

And she was like, "No".
She's having none of it.

So he stormed in,
he punched a hole in the turkey...

I started sniggering at this point,

so he just got...he literally got a
ladle of bread sauce and, like,
threw it across the...

across at me. It became a bit of a
joke in the family cos the next

year we brought him
Chicken Run on DVD,

and we thought he was going to
absolutely love it and laugh,

but he really did not find it
funny at all.

Shall I tell them about why he's
called Nugget?

You can, but it's a bit boring.

No. Right, Uncle Nugget, yeah?

He's called Nugget because he went
in this nightclub and the DJ

wouldn't play this song he requested
so he got a knife, yeah?

Cut off half the DJ's scratching
thumb,

threw it on the floor and some bloke
came along who's just fucked out of

his brains, picked it up and ate it

cos he thought it was a
chicken nugget.

He's called Nugget because his
second name's Nuggins.

Where the hell did that come from?

Seriously? Yeah.

I think that's still part of...

Kurtan went through a very bad
lying phase.

Yeah, I did, yeah.

That's the thing, I lied so much I
still don't know what's real life

and what's plain lies. Mmm-hmm.

I'm so glad you're out of that
lying phase.

There's injustices in this world,
so many.

I experience it in my life
every day.

Like, people look down their nose
on me, like...

When I go into the village shop,
Mrs Wicks just follows me around

like a stale guff, thinking I'm
going to nick something.

Which just makes me so mad.

Yeah. Cos you can't nick anything.

Well, yeah, but she doesn't
know that.

For all she knows I could be going
in there to buy something.

But...you only go in there to
nick stuff.

Yeah.

So your point is you want to go in
the shop to nick stuff,

without being followed around by
Mrs Wicks?

That would make my life easier, yes.

What?

What?

She's doing this all...

Yeah?

Right, I'm just going to watch
something. This is winding me
up now.

Yeah, I'll get some later.

TELEVISION:
'..across the whole of your plate
that I actually really, really like.

'The only thing I don't like the
taste of is the celeriac puree

'and the chocolate and
tamarind sauce.

'It's sweet, sweet earthiness and I
can't get it to sit happily.'

She's not happy. 'I thought the
dish was cooked beautifully.

'Your venison is wonderful and soft.

'Your celeriac puree is wonderful
and creamy.

'Your beetroot - melt in your mouth.

'The crispness of your little
rissoles, which crumble on the

'outside, they're really lovely and
shredded on the inside.

'But the thing for me is, it all
needs a little bit more seasoning.'

She's livid, look.

'The venison needs a decent...'

You know what? I actually can't
watch this - sorry, Kerr.

Oh, no, don't.
That is utter torture.

Can't take Gramps four hours to
drive from Gloucester.

That's only a half an hour drive.

It does. It actually does cos he
goes at 5mph

and he likes to be the only person
on the road,

so whenever he sees a car coming the
other way he just pulls over.

Yeah.

Don't do that.

God, Kerr...I watched the most
fucked up thing last night. What?

It was this real-life documentary,
yeah, about this Nasa experiment,

yeah, where they sent this monkey
into space in its own spacecraft.

But when it hit a certain altitude

the monkey's head just exploded
like a grape.

So they sent this other monkey into
space...

Yeah? ..in its own spacecraft.

And they sorted the altitude
problem out but,

cos the scientists were so obsessed
with doing that,

they totally forgot to teach the
monkey how to navigate its craft,

so he just got lost in space
for all time.

Which I think is far worse,
to be fair.

What?

Well, go to sleep then, Sue, rather
than shouting down here

the whole time, you stupid old bat.

Oh, well done(!)

Yeah?

Me and Kerry's mum do not see
eye to eye.

We've had some proper stand-up
blazing rows.

Actually, just me stand-up -
she's always in bed.

Cos, see, I live with my nan and we
like things in a certain way.

We like to know where everything is.

But Kerry and her mum,

they're just like two pigs rolling
around in their own muck.

Mum says you've got to leave.

What? Why? Cos you called her
an old bat.

She is an old bat.

You've got to leave now, mate.
Yeah...I heard her.

Bye, Sue.

I'm still here!

If you want to have a laugh but also
be physically sick,

just watch Kerry's mum put
her sandals on.

It's disgusting.

They're like two...

Her feet are like two blocks of
spam, yeah?

And watching her trying to squeeze
them into her Birkenstocks is...

Get your mum to say tomato.

Oh, no, not now. Please.

Please.

Mum!

What's in a BLT?

A BLT.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, what else do you have?

No, but what's the T stand for?

Yeah.

What?

What?

I can't stop thinking about that
monkey. Yeah, same.

That's the thing, though.

They went through hundreds of them
in the '60s.

And now every time I see a really
bright star in the sky I can't
wish on it,

cos in my head I'm thinking,

"That's probably just a spacecraft
with some monkey bones in it."

Scientists, as well, taught this
monkey once how to sign language

and it took them six months,

and after six months he finally
figured out how to do it

and all he could bang on about
was how his kids had been left
in the jungle.

Is that Uncle Nugget now?

No.

Yeah, Nugget scares me sometimes.

Actually, to be honest,

don't tell Kerry this,
but I don't really like him.

He is...

He terrifies me.

And I don't really want him...

coming out of prison, to be honest,
cos he needs help.

I don't think he's getting the
right help he needs.

And cos Kerry can't see it,

whenever he's around we just end up
at each other's throats.

Is there anything in there?

No.

What did you just take out?

Nothing.

I seen you just take something out.

No, I didn't. Show me your hand.

The other one. Hmm? The other one.

What hand? I just seen you take
something out.

I'm just going to the toilet...
No. Why?

Open your hand.

Open it. There's nothing in there.

Open it. What...?

A knob of cheese!

You absolute traitor. That's my
cheese - it's my fucking house.

I wanted to grate...

Ow! Sorry.

What the actual fuck?

I'm hungry. You...

Aargh...

Ow! Right, say sorry now.

Say sorry now.

Say sorry now, and then I'll let go.

No. Say sorry now and I'll let go.

Kerry, I'll go fucking apeshit.
Say sorry now.

Say sorry now and then I'll let go.

Ow... Say sorry. Say sorry.
Say sorry.

Say it.

Sorry!

(Absolute idiot.)

You wouldn't dare. Yeah, I would.
You would not dare.

Of course I would.
You eat that, right...

You eat that... You wouldn't.

You wouldn't throw that.

I would. No, you wouldn't. I would.

Don't you dare eat that cheese.

You eat that and I will smash this.

I promise you, I will smash you
with this.

What the fuck?

Truce.

Truce, truce. You've lost your head.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Fuck! You switched them!

Did I?

Nothing!

Perfect! What the...?

No!

How has that happened?

Seriously!

I put it on the top shelf so
it would cook evenly!

It did. It's just cooked
evenly burnt.

Yeah, I can see it's fucking burnt,
Sherlock.

I fucking don't believe that!

Do you want a turkey dinosaur?

Can I?

No.

Hello?

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah, see you in a bit.

Is that Uncle Nugget?

No, it's my nan.

My tea's ready.
Well, what about Uncle Nugget?

Oh, I'll just see him later.

And this. You've got to help me
clear up all this.

Fuck that.

See you.

Well, it's his loss cos he's
just going to miss out on

Uncle Nugget time.

I can't wait to see Uncle Nugget.

He is such a laugh.

He is going to make such great TV,
I tell you that now.

Can't wait.