The Young Offenders (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
Told you he wouldn't be here.
He said he'll be here,
so he'll be here.
Will we go wait in the bar?
Hospitals don't have bars.
Oh, yeah.
That reminds me. Siobhan's having
her first baby scan today.
I've got to go.
I'll see you tomorrow.
See you in the morning.
Just come on, Jocks,
pick up your phone.
Come on.
I can't help thinking there was
something important
I was supposed to be doing today.
Aye, no, but if it was important,
you'd remember it. That's true.
Got to trust your brain.
That's what it's there for.
Are you sure this is a good idea?
Yeah, just trust me, OK?
Cops don't lock.
Have you just made that up?
Yeah, but it's true, like.
Guards never lock their bikes
because they think
there's no-one stupid enough
to steal a Garda bike.
Except us. Exactly!
All right, on three. One...
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I was thinking -
the main mistake people make
when robbing stuff out in the open
is that they move too quickly
and they look really dodgy,
so let's just move really slowly,
then nobody will even notice us.
Yeah, good thinking.
The last thing we want to do
is look dodgy.
I know what you're thinking.
How did two seemingly normal-looking
fellows like myself
and Jock think up amazingly clever
ideas such as this one?
Well, it just comes second nature
to us.
We can think
without even thinking about it.
This one's Healy's.
Oh, bags that one!
Fuck.
Jock, this one's locked.
That's strange.
This one's locked too.
Cops DO lock, Jock!
Conor. What?
Stop moving slowly.
Hey!
Stop that!
Stop that! Stop!
Stop, you little...!
What's your address? We'll drop
them back later.
You fucking pricks!
Stop, you're under arrest!
57 Beechwood Drive.
Gardai! Stop, you're under arrest!
Give it up, boys.
Excuse me, sorry,
get out of the way.
Sorry, coming through!
Oh, look, there's a sale on here!
Yeah, I noticed.
Excuse me, coming through. Sorry!
Stop! You're under arrest!
Please excuse me!
Watch it, you shite!
I don't like small spaces.
Well, then, think of the prison cell
you'll be in if you don't move now!
Gardai!
I still can't help thinking
there's something I'm supposed to be
doing today.
Sorry I'm late.
Is Jock not with you?
No, is he not here?
Fuck's sake.
Conor's phone is ringing now.
Conor, is that your phone?
Conor speaking.
Where the fuck are you?
Merchants Quay Shopping Centre.
You're supposed to be
at the hospital for the baby scan.
Oh, bollocks!
Jock, the baby scan! Oh, bollocks.
We need to take a detour.
Gardai! Stop there!
There's no fucking way I'm going
down it. Fine, stay here.
Stop there!
This is the down elevator,
fucking gobshites.
Bollocks to that.
Fuck!
Better luck next time, dickhead!
Fuck you!
For fuck's sake!
He's got a big head.
All right? Let's scan the shit
out of this foetus.
I told you how important this was
to me.
And instead, you're off fucking
about with Conor.
There's something myself and Orla
would like to talk to you two about.
Now might be a good time?
Adopt my baby?
If we adopt, you can go on
being kids,
grow up and have normal-ish lives.
And the baby is going to need
a responsible father figure.
Yeah, I'm responsible.
Your irresponsible behaviour got you
into this mess in the first place.
What did I do that was so
irresponsible?
Not wearing a condom!
WHISPERS: Stop it.
Oh, that's different.
I'm responsible when it comes
to things not related to my dick.
Yeah, but the problem is,
you are the tail,
your dick is the dog,
and your dog is wagging its dick.
What?
I do what to a dog's dick?
Your dick is the dog,
you're the... You're the tail.
You're a dog's tail full of dicks,
wagging out babies.
What the fuck are you on about,
Barry?
OK, look, when I worked
at a primary school,
teaching seven-year-olds,
I used to get them
to mind an egg for a month
without breaking it.
That way, they could learn a bit
about what it takes to be a parent.
I bet you couldn't do it.
Bet you I could.
Chickens can look after their egg,
and they're stupid.
And Jock is way smarter
than a chicken.
You're fucking right I am.
All right, what do I get if I win?
Forget all about
the adoption agreement.
And if I win?
I won't put up a fight,
and you can adopt the baby.
Oh, this is idiotic
and it's pointless.
Shouldn't waste time on any egg,
other than the one you fertilised
inside me.
This is important, all right?
It's a man's thing.
It's like... It's like banging
antlers out in the fucking Amazon.
Your dad will respect me more
once I whip his arse.
There you go.
Thank you.
I'm going to call you Jock Junior.
Can I be the godfather?
Of course you can, Con.
Godfather. Congratulations.
Con.
One month from now, yeah?
Yeah.
Thanks for the loan
of the bikes, boys.
Sound, lads.
Eggs get a bad rep.
They're actually pretty robust,
so keeping Jock Junior safe for the
next 30 days should be easy, as long
as we stay 100% focused on the job.
Do you want to have sex?
Jesus, fucking...
What, w-why? Why-how?
What? When?
We... Wha... What's wrong?
Do you not want to?
Fuck, yeah. But erm, er...
Look, I just don't want to end up
in the same shit mess
as Jock and Siobhan.
We won't. We're not idiots.
We'll use protection.
All right, then. So...
Yeah? Yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, shit, sorry, I... Sorry.
My aim's usually better than that.
When we're...
..it will... It will be...
Sketch!
Hey, Jock. All right, sir.
How are you doing today?
Fine.
That's great.
What's in your pocket?
I know what you're trying to do.
Just saying hello, that's all.
Hey! Principal Walsh is trying to
touch my balls!
Agh!
I wasn't trying to touch his balls.
Where's the egg? You're supposed to
have it with you at all times.
Conor has it, he's baby-sitting.
Where's Jock Junior?
Oh, he's sitting on the wall.
Jock, the wind!
Whoa!
30 more days! You're doing great.
HE CHUCKLES
What the hell, Con?
That was so irresponsible.
WHISPERS: Say you did it.
It was me, it's my fault.
It was my fault that it...
That... It was...me.
Well, Linda obviously can't be
trusted with an egg, then.
From now on, one of us has to be
holding Jock Junior at all times.
As people get older, they care
less about ripping each other's
clothes off
and more about picking them up.
Is that yours?
Er, yes.
For a guard,
you'd think Healy would be more
concerned about living like a pig.
How many times do I have to tell you
to tidy your shit up after you?
I have a system - cook, eat,
then clean.
Don't you mean cook, eat,
then leave your shit everywhere?
Somebody's not getting their hole
tonight.
CONOR LAUGHS
He fucking wishes.
Oh, wait, that's weird.
Just passing through.
Come here, you're taking the old
community service a bit far.
POLICE RADIO: Disturbance outside
the Old Al bar.
Any Gardai in the area?
Yeah, I'll go for it.
Are we on a bit of a rush, yeah?
Just a quick question. Would you say
I fall in through the cracks?
Any chance of a grass or not? No.
RUMBLING OUTSIDE
What the hell are you
doing in my garden? Compacting.
Your buddy the Gardai
went off for a spin on his bicycle
and he left
the place in an awful state.
Well, I'm not paying you nothing.
I don't want your money.
Sure I owe you one. One what?
One, like. You know, from before?
I filled your bucket for you.
Where do you want this?
Er...
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
You can, er, just leave it
down there by the fireplace.
Mam.
Come over.
What's he doing here? He said
he owes me one.
One what? You can't just be letting
psychos into the gaff
because they owe you one.
All right, look, whatever you do,
just don't feed him.
Why not?
Because he's like a stray dog.
He'll just keep coming back.
BILLY SNIFFS
What have you got there?
Nothing.
If it's nothing, then why are you
being so protective of it?
Just, just an egg.
BILLY LAUGHS
It must be a special egg.
Sure, give us a look.
CONOR GRUNTS
Careful. Be careful.
He doesn't look very happy now,
does he?
Sure, I'm starving. No, you wouldn't
like that egg, it's...
It's not an eating egg.
All eggs are eating eggs, all right?
Er, th-this has gone past
its best-before date, so...
It's my favourite. Show.
Look, I'll just throw it
into the pan there
and we'll have
a bit of scrambled egg.
Please, no, don't.
Be careful, be careful.
What's wrong with you, eh?!
You swear you laid the fucking thing
yourself! It's only an egg.
Cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck!
Cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck! Cluck!
There's nothing like a fresh
biscuit,
straight out of the packet.
Draw the curtain down, Mairead.
Could be here for a while.
After three days, you will be
walking out of that hospital
with a newborn baby.
No matter what you hear people say,
I don't think anyone really
gives a shit about an egg
until it is THEIR egg.
The circled items
are the ones we're going to need.
And when it IS their egg,
people will spend every last penny
they have -
or don't have - on it.
Oh, my God!
They do so much worrying about their
egg, they pretty much never get
a good night's sleep ever again,
and neither does their partner.
It is a major procedure
you're going in for,
and there are risks.
Dads, if anything goes wrong
in there, you will have
a lot of responsibility
on your hands.
Let's take a look, shall we?
WOMAN GROANS
WOMAN SCREAMS
WOMAN ON FILM: Oh, fuck!
Be right back.
SCREAMING CONTINUES
You didn't, you did not leave her.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
The fuck is that?
THAT'S name is Kevin.
Aoife Manny's baby.
I offered to mind him
for the weekend while herself
and her fellow are up in Dublin,
and you're going to help
because you need to get
some practice in.
But... But I have to look after
Jock Junior.
You've wasted enough time
with that smelly old egg.
Well, what about dinner
at the Walshes'?
Well, just bring him along.
Right.
BABY COOS
He's so small!
He's like four foot.
BABY GRUMBLES
Look, it's...
No, it's the other way, lads.
Smiles.
Put the brake off.
Siobhan has been trying to
get our two families to be more
friendly with each other
ever since she got pregnant,
and we've all been
making a big effort.
So nice to see you.
What a joy.
Been looking forward to this
all week.
Your big hair looks lovely.
But so does your flat hair.
Come in, come in, come in.
He's not mine.
BABY COOS
Mind, I think the baby suits him.
Don't you?
Conor, do you want to come upstairs
and see my collection
of dead butterflies?
Dead butterflies?
Do you have a condom?
CONOR SPLUTTERS
What?
Wi... With all them downstairs?
Whatever your dad's cooking
smells like shit.
That the baby's bum.
It needs changing.
You do it and I'll supervise.
I'm not changing any bums.
Here, Siobhan.
I'm not helping. There's no way
I'm doing all the nappy changing
when our baby comes along.
Pull harder, will you?
I'm doing all the work.
CONOR GRUNTS
BABY COOS
Where's the egg? Right here.
He was a minute ago.
It's hardly good parenting, is it?
Not knowing where your egg is.
Jock, just concentrate
on what you're doing.
Och, look, there's shit everywhere.
It's a baby, that's what happens.
I'll give you until a count of ten,
and if you don't produce the egg,
I'm going to announce myself the
winner. It was just here, OK?
One...
Linda, are you still there?
Two... Here, look, Siobhan, will you
give me a hand looking for the egg?
It doesn't mean shit, Jock.
Just stop worrying about it.
Three... Con!
Con...
Do you have the egg? Bollocks!
Four...
BABY CRIES
I'm making a balls of this.
Will you just take over?
Five!
Fucking egg!
Six!
BABY PASSES WIND
You might want to stick a nappy on
it before it squirts more poo out.
Oh, Mairead, look, serious,
would you just take over?
You need to learn!
No, I'm done!
Seven.
A baby is a full-time job!
You can't just clock out
whenever you feel like it.
You have to do it
day after day after day.
Eight...
Because your child is never going
to stop needing you.
I mean, you of all people
should know that.
Nine.
Fuck you, Mairead.
Ten. I win!
Fine. You're the winner.
If you want to adopt this baby
so much, you can fucking have it.
If I could go back
and cock block my own cock, I would.
Because being a dad
is for dickheads.
All right? The egg is fine.
I've got it here.
This is for the best.
The last thing you need
is someone who acts like that
in your baby's life.
SHE CRIES
And Father of the Year goes to
yet again Barry Wanker Walsh.
You're all right.
You'll be thanking me in the end.
You know you will.
You all right?
What are you still hanging
on to that egg for?
One day left on Principal Walsh's
stupid egg challenge.
When it's over, I'm going to
hard-boil it
and shove it up his hole.
You'd have trouble getting a pea
up his hole.
Oh, I'll get it up there all right.
You know you're going to be
that baby's father,
whether you like it or not.
No stupid egg bet's going
to change that.
I haven't a clue what I'm doing.
Well, join the club.
Sure I didn't have a fuckin' clue.
Like, when Conor arrived,
I was like,
"What the fuck is this? Like,
what do I do with it, like?"
You'll figure it all out, I promise.
Children are disgusting, by the way.
Stuff comes out of every hole in
their body, like.
Thought you were trying to help me
here, like.
I'm just trying to
prepare you for it, like.
You've got to, like,
clean their armpits
cos they get cheesy and everything.
Cheese?
Oh, yuck.
As long as the baby's cute,
you'll be fine.
If it's not cute, then...
Obviously, it's going to be
cute looking.
They're harder to love
when they're not cute.
Imagine it he's like me...
If it looks like you, it's fucked.
If it looks like...
A big gangly baby.
Fuck off.
A big lanky baby.
Yeah.
You're going to be grand.
DOORBELL RINGS
Hi.
Argh!
I always imagined losing
my virginity
for the first time somewhere classy,
like, in a house.
But when you're a teenager, you've
got to go with whatever's available.
Dad gave Siobhan a key to his
office, while she's pregnant,
just in case she wants to get sick
in private.
He won't be back for another HOUR.
Er...will he not...smell the sex
when he does get back?
Very clever.
I know.
Erm. Come on.
Let's do this.
Jock gave me some pretty great
advice
on how to get women in the mood,
which I've been saving
for this occasion.
It's called foreplay.
What are the four plays?
What, you don't know the four plays?
All right. Play one, OK. You've got
to use tongue, and lots of it.
Slow, like a wave, like a crest of
a wave hitting a beach.
Play two, you've got to get naked,
but do it slowly, like a stripper.
What is that?
What's what?
That.
It's my landing strip.
Play number three,
you've got to talk about your dick
so that she's not intimidated by it.
Talk about my dick.
Before we get down to business,
you should know that I have this
skin tag on my knob
that'll look a bit weird.
But the doctor said
it's nothing to worry about
and you won't even notice it
once I put the condom on.
It's time for play number four.
Stick it in,
then the wiggle it all about.
SNAP!
Mm.
Fuck. Come on, dick. Get up.
I can't shut you up
when she's not around. Come on!
What's taking so long?
A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS, LINDA.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
SIOBHAN RETCHES
Linda.
Let me in, I need to get sick.
FUCK OFF.
I just...I just need a second.
What's wrong? Is there something
wrong with your dick?
There's nothing wrong with my dick,
my dick's fine.
I can't get it up.
Will you help me? You've just got
to talk dirty or something.
SLAPPING
What do you want me to say? Well,
you know, who's...who's your daddy?
Barry Walsh... I mean...
No, don't say that. ..I mean, you.
I'm happy to give it a go
with half a boner.
Take a look at this.
That hasn't got a scratch on it.
Look at it, go on, you can shake it,
if you like. Knock yourself out.
Oh, what now?
And I know it's just a fucking egg.
But it has to mean something
that I managed to keep that safe
for a month.
I bet YOU couldn't do it.
I'm already a dad.
I've been through the wars, so
minding this egg will be a doddle.
Looking after something as fragile
as an egg isn't easy.
But at least when I say I'm going
to do something, I do it.
Like, when I say I'm going to be
there for the baby, I'll be there.
Why are you telling HIM this?
I was on my way to see you, but...
..he passed through my trajectory.
Look, I know I know fuck-all
about babies.
But I've got two arms and two legs,
and I can do some stuff to help out.
Even if I'm not very good at it,
I promise I'll be there.
Principal Walsh. What is it?
Your other daughter is riding some
young fella in your office.
Dad, come back,
I think my waters broke.
Dad, just...
They're not going to have sex,
listen.
I'm sorry, Linda. It's my fault.
I've been putting your dick
under pressure.
We've all the time in the world.
Oh, thank Christ.
Yeah.
Do you know I've actually stopped
watching porn
where the women talk to the camera?
Cos it feels like I'm cheating
on you.
That's so sweet.
When I watch porn,
I picture your face on all the men,
even though your face doesn't match
their big bodies.
While we're here, do you want
to give each other hand jobs?
Oh, yeah. I bags sitting
in your dad's chair.
HEY, YOU! PUT THAT LITTLE THING AWAY
AND GET YOUR TROUSERS BACK ON!
SNAP!
Ah!
So, do you want to know
if it's a boy or a girl?
Is it a girl?
Correct.
A girl?
Have you got a problem with that?
A smaller version of you?
Loving this baby's going to be easy.
And with me as her godfather
and mentor,
there won't be a bike in the city
she won't know how to nick.
He said he'll be here,
so he'll be here.
Will we go wait in the bar?
Hospitals don't have bars.
Oh, yeah.
That reminds me. Siobhan's having
her first baby scan today.
I've got to go.
I'll see you tomorrow.
See you in the morning.
Just come on, Jocks,
pick up your phone.
Come on.
I can't help thinking there was
something important
I was supposed to be doing today.
Aye, no, but if it was important,
you'd remember it. That's true.
Got to trust your brain.
That's what it's there for.
Are you sure this is a good idea?
Yeah, just trust me, OK?
Cops don't lock.
Have you just made that up?
Yeah, but it's true, like.
Guards never lock their bikes
because they think
there's no-one stupid enough
to steal a Garda bike.
Except us. Exactly!
All right, on three. One...
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I was thinking -
the main mistake people make
when robbing stuff out in the open
is that they move too quickly
and they look really dodgy,
so let's just move really slowly,
then nobody will even notice us.
Yeah, good thinking.
The last thing we want to do
is look dodgy.
I know what you're thinking.
How did two seemingly normal-looking
fellows like myself
and Jock think up amazingly clever
ideas such as this one?
Well, it just comes second nature
to us.
We can think
without even thinking about it.
This one's Healy's.
Oh, bags that one!
Fuck.
Jock, this one's locked.
That's strange.
This one's locked too.
Cops DO lock, Jock!
Conor. What?
Stop moving slowly.
Hey!
Stop that!
Stop that! Stop!
Stop, you little...!
What's your address? We'll drop
them back later.
You fucking pricks!
Stop, you're under arrest!
57 Beechwood Drive.
Gardai! Stop, you're under arrest!
Give it up, boys.
Excuse me, sorry,
get out of the way.
Sorry, coming through!
Oh, look, there's a sale on here!
Yeah, I noticed.
Excuse me, coming through. Sorry!
Stop! You're under arrest!
Please excuse me!
Watch it, you shite!
I don't like small spaces.
Well, then, think of the prison cell
you'll be in if you don't move now!
Gardai!
I still can't help thinking
there's something I'm supposed to be
doing today.
Sorry I'm late.
Is Jock not with you?
No, is he not here?
Fuck's sake.
Conor's phone is ringing now.
Conor, is that your phone?
Conor speaking.
Where the fuck are you?
Merchants Quay Shopping Centre.
You're supposed to be
at the hospital for the baby scan.
Oh, bollocks!
Jock, the baby scan! Oh, bollocks.
We need to take a detour.
Gardai! Stop there!
There's no fucking way I'm going
down it. Fine, stay here.
Stop there!
This is the down elevator,
fucking gobshites.
Bollocks to that.
Fuck!
Better luck next time, dickhead!
Fuck you!
For fuck's sake!
He's got a big head.
All right? Let's scan the shit
out of this foetus.
I told you how important this was
to me.
And instead, you're off fucking
about with Conor.
There's something myself and Orla
would like to talk to you two about.
Now might be a good time?
Adopt my baby?
If we adopt, you can go on
being kids,
grow up and have normal-ish lives.
And the baby is going to need
a responsible father figure.
Yeah, I'm responsible.
Your irresponsible behaviour got you
into this mess in the first place.
What did I do that was so
irresponsible?
Not wearing a condom!
WHISPERS: Stop it.
Oh, that's different.
I'm responsible when it comes
to things not related to my dick.
Yeah, but the problem is,
you are the tail,
your dick is the dog,
and your dog is wagging its dick.
What?
I do what to a dog's dick?
Your dick is the dog,
you're the... You're the tail.
You're a dog's tail full of dicks,
wagging out babies.
What the fuck are you on about,
Barry?
OK, look, when I worked
at a primary school,
teaching seven-year-olds,
I used to get them
to mind an egg for a month
without breaking it.
That way, they could learn a bit
about what it takes to be a parent.
I bet you couldn't do it.
Bet you I could.
Chickens can look after their egg,
and they're stupid.
And Jock is way smarter
than a chicken.
You're fucking right I am.
All right, what do I get if I win?
Forget all about
the adoption agreement.
And if I win?
I won't put up a fight,
and you can adopt the baby.
Oh, this is idiotic
and it's pointless.
Shouldn't waste time on any egg,
other than the one you fertilised
inside me.
This is important, all right?
It's a man's thing.
It's like... It's like banging
antlers out in the fucking Amazon.
Your dad will respect me more
once I whip his arse.
There you go.
Thank you.
I'm going to call you Jock Junior.
Can I be the godfather?
Of course you can, Con.
Godfather. Congratulations.
Con.
One month from now, yeah?
Yeah.
Thanks for the loan
of the bikes, boys.
Sound, lads.
Eggs get a bad rep.
They're actually pretty robust,
so keeping Jock Junior safe for the
next 30 days should be easy, as long
as we stay 100% focused on the job.
Do you want to have sex?
Jesus, fucking...
What, w-why? Why-how?
What? When?
We... Wha... What's wrong?
Do you not want to?
Fuck, yeah. But erm, er...
Look, I just don't want to end up
in the same shit mess
as Jock and Siobhan.
We won't. We're not idiots.
We'll use protection.
All right, then. So...
Yeah? Yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, shit, sorry, I... Sorry.
My aim's usually better than that.
When we're...
..it will... It will be...
Sketch!
Hey, Jock. All right, sir.
How are you doing today?
Fine.
That's great.
What's in your pocket?
I know what you're trying to do.
Just saying hello, that's all.
Hey! Principal Walsh is trying to
touch my balls!
Agh!
I wasn't trying to touch his balls.
Where's the egg? You're supposed to
have it with you at all times.
Conor has it, he's baby-sitting.
Where's Jock Junior?
Oh, he's sitting on the wall.
Jock, the wind!
Whoa!
30 more days! You're doing great.
HE CHUCKLES
What the hell, Con?
That was so irresponsible.
WHISPERS: Say you did it.
It was me, it's my fault.
It was my fault that it...
That... It was...me.
Well, Linda obviously can't be
trusted with an egg, then.
From now on, one of us has to be
holding Jock Junior at all times.
As people get older, they care
less about ripping each other's
clothes off
and more about picking them up.
Is that yours?
Er, yes.
For a guard,
you'd think Healy would be more
concerned about living like a pig.
How many times do I have to tell you
to tidy your shit up after you?
I have a system - cook, eat,
then clean.
Don't you mean cook, eat,
then leave your shit everywhere?
Somebody's not getting their hole
tonight.
CONOR LAUGHS
He fucking wishes.
Oh, wait, that's weird.
Just passing through.
Come here, you're taking the old
community service a bit far.
POLICE RADIO: Disturbance outside
the Old Al bar.
Any Gardai in the area?
Yeah, I'll go for it.
Are we on a bit of a rush, yeah?
Just a quick question. Would you say
I fall in through the cracks?
Any chance of a grass or not? No.
RUMBLING OUTSIDE
What the hell are you
doing in my garden? Compacting.
Your buddy the Gardai
went off for a spin on his bicycle
and he left
the place in an awful state.
Well, I'm not paying you nothing.
I don't want your money.
Sure I owe you one. One what?
One, like. You know, from before?
I filled your bucket for you.
Where do you want this?
Er...
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
You can, er, just leave it
down there by the fireplace.
Mam.
Come over.
What's he doing here? He said
he owes me one.
One what? You can't just be letting
psychos into the gaff
because they owe you one.
All right, look, whatever you do,
just don't feed him.
Why not?
Because he's like a stray dog.
He'll just keep coming back.
BILLY SNIFFS
What have you got there?
Nothing.
If it's nothing, then why are you
being so protective of it?
Just, just an egg.
BILLY LAUGHS
It must be a special egg.
Sure, give us a look.
CONOR GRUNTS
Careful. Be careful.
He doesn't look very happy now,
does he?
Sure, I'm starving. No, you wouldn't
like that egg, it's...
It's not an eating egg.
All eggs are eating eggs, all right?
Er, th-this has gone past
its best-before date, so...
It's my favourite. Show.
Look, I'll just throw it
into the pan there
and we'll have
a bit of scrambled egg.
Please, no, don't.
Be careful, be careful.
What's wrong with you, eh?!
You swear you laid the fucking thing
yourself! It's only an egg.
Cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck!
Cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck! Cluck!
There's nothing like a fresh
biscuit,
straight out of the packet.
Draw the curtain down, Mairead.
Could be here for a while.
After three days, you will be
walking out of that hospital
with a newborn baby.
No matter what you hear people say,
I don't think anyone really
gives a shit about an egg
until it is THEIR egg.
The circled items
are the ones we're going to need.
And when it IS their egg,
people will spend every last penny
they have -
or don't have - on it.
Oh, my God!
They do so much worrying about their
egg, they pretty much never get
a good night's sleep ever again,
and neither does their partner.
It is a major procedure
you're going in for,
and there are risks.
Dads, if anything goes wrong
in there, you will have
a lot of responsibility
on your hands.
Let's take a look, shall we?
WOMAN GROANS
WOMAN SCREAMS
WOMAN ON FILM: Oh, fuck!
Be right back.
SCREAMING CONTINUES
You didn't, you did not leave her.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
The fuck is that?
THAT'S name is Kevin.
Aoife Manny's baby.
I offered to mind him
for the weekend while herself
and her fellow are up in Dublin,
and you're going to help
because you need to get
some practice in.
But... But I have to look after
Jock Junior.
You've wasted enough time
with that smelly old egg.
Well, what about dinner
at the Walshes'?
Well, just bring him along.
Right.
BABY COOS
He's so small!
He's like four foot.
BABY GRUMBLES
Look, it's...
No, it's the other way, lads.
Smiles.
Put the brake off.
Siobhan has been trying to
get our two families to be more
friendly with each other
ever since she got pregnant,
and we've all been
making a big effort.
So nice to see you.
What a joy.
Been looking forward to this
all week.
Your big hair looks lovely.
But so does your flat hair.
Come in, come in, come in.
He's not mine.
BABY COOS
Mind, I think the baby suits him.
Don't you?
Conor, do you want to come upstairs
and see my collection
of dead butterflies?
Dead butterflies?
Do you have a condom?
CONOR SPLUTTERS
What?
Wi... With all them downstairs?
Whatever your dad's cooking
smells like shit.
That the baby's bum.
It needs changing.
You do it and I'll supervise.
I'm not changing any bums.
Here, Siobhan.
I'm not helping. There's no way
I'm doing all the nappy changing
when our baby comes along.
Pull harder, will you?
I'm doing all the work.
CONOR GRUNTS
BABY COOS
Where's the egg? Right here.
He was a minute ago.
It's hardly good parenting, is it?
Not knowing where your egg is.
Jock, just concentrate
on what you're doing.
Och, look, there's shit everywhere.
It's a baby, that's what happens.
I'll give you until a count of ten,
and if you don't produce the egg,
I'm going to announce myself the
winner. It was just here, OK?
One...
Linda, are you still there?
Two... Here, look, Siobhan, will you
give me a hand looking for the egg?
It doesn't mean shit, Jock.
Just stop worrying about it.
Three... Con!
Con...
Do you have the egg? Bollocks!
Four...
BABY CRIES
I'm making a balls of this.
Will you just take over?
Five!
Fucking egg!
Six!
BABY PASSES WIND
You might want to stick a nappy on
it before it squirts more poo out.
Oh, Mairead, look, serious,
would you just take over?
You need to learn!
No, I'm done!
Seven.
A baby is a full-time job!
You can't just clock out
whenever you feel like it.
You have to do it
day after day after day.
Eight...
Because your child is never going
to stop needing you.
I mean, you of all people
should know that.
Nine.
Fuck you, Mairead.
Ten. I win!
Fine. You're the winner.
If you want to adopt this baby
so much, you can fucking have it.
If I could go back
and cock block my own cock, I would.
Because being a dad
is for dickheads.
All right? The egg is fine.
I've got it here.
This is for the best.
The last thing you need
is someone who acts like that
in your baby's life.
SHE CRIES
And Father of the Year goes to
yet again Barry Wanker Walsh.
You're all right.
You'll be thanking me in the end.
You know you will.
You all right?
What are you still hanging
on to that egg for?
One day left on Principal Walsh's
stupid egg challenge.
When it's over, I'm going to
hard-boil it
and shove it up his hole.
You'd have trouble getting a pea
up his hole.
Oh, I'll get it up there all right.
You know you're going to be
that baby's father,
whether you like it or not.
No stupid egg bet's going
to change that.
I haven't a clue what I'm doing.
Well, join the club.
Sure I didn't have a fuckin' clue.
Like, when Conor arrived,
I was like,
"What the fuck is this? Like,
what do I do with it, like?"
You'll figure it all out, I promise.
Children are disgusting, by the way.
Stuff comes out of every hole in
their body, like.
Thought you were trying to help me
here, like.
I'm just trying to
prepare you for it, like.
You've got to, like,
clean their armpits
cos they get cheesy and everything.
Cheese?
Oh, yuck.
As long as the baby's cute,
you'll be fine.
If it's not cute, then...
Obviously, it's going to be
cute looking.
They're harder to love
when they're not cute.
Imagine it he's like me...
If it looks like you, it's fucked.
If it looks like...
A big gangly baby.
Fuck off.
A big lanky baby.
Yeah.
You're going to be grand.
DOORBELL RINGS
Hi.
Argh!
I always imagined losing
my virginity
for the first time somewhere classy,
like, in a house.
But when you're a teenager, you've
got to go with whatever's available.
Dad gave Siobhan a key to his
office, while she's pregnant,
just in case she wants to get sick
in private.
He won't be back for another HOUR.
Er...will he not...smell the sex
when he does get back?
Very clever.
I know.
Erm. Come on.
Let's do this.
Jock gave me some pretty great
advice
on how to get women in the mood,
which I've been saving
for this occasion.
It's called foreplay.
What are the four plays?
What, you don't know the four plays?
All right. Play one, OK. You've got
to use tongue, and lots of it.
Slow, like a wave, like a crest of
a wave hitting a beach.
Play two, you've got to get naked,
but do it slowly, like a stripper.
What is that?
What's what?
That.
It's my landing strip.
Play number three,
you've got to talk about your dick
so that she's not intimidated by it.
Talk about my dick.
Before we get down to business,
you should know that I have this
skin tag on my knob
that'll look a bit weird.
But the doctor said
it's nothing to worry about
and you won't even notice it
once I put the condom on.
It's time for play number four.
Stick it in,
then the wiggle it all about.
SNAP!
Mm.
Fuck. Come on, dick. Get up.
I can't shut you up
when she's not around. Come on!
What's taking so long?
A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS, LINDA.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
SIOBHAN RETCHES
Linda.
Let me in, I need to get sick.
FUCK OFF.
I just...I just need a second.
What's wrong? Is there something
wrong with your dick?
There's nothing wrong with my dick,
my dick's fine.
I can't get it up.
Will you help me? You've just got
to talk dirty or something.
SLAPPING
What do you want me to say? Well,
you know, who's...who's your daddy?
Barry Walsh... I mean...
No, don't say that. ..I mean, you.
I'm happy to give it a go
with half a boner.
Take a look at this.
That hasn't got a scratch on it.
Look at it, go on, you can shake it,
if you like. Knock yourself out.
Oh, what now?
And I know it's just a fucking egg.
But it has to mean something
that I managed to keep that safe
for a month.
I bet YOU couldn't do it.
I'm already a dad.
I've been through the wars, so
minding this egg will be a doddle.
Looking after something as fragile
as an egg isn't easy.
But at least when I say I'm going
to do something, I do it.
Like, when I say I'm going to be
there for the baby, I'll be there.
Why are you telling HIM this?
I was on my way to see you, but...
..he passed through my trajectory.
Look, I know I know fuck-all
about babies.
But I've got two arms and two legs,
and I can do some stuff to help out.
Even if I'm not very good at it,
I promise I'll be there.
Principal Walsh. What is it?
Your other daughter is riding some
young fella in your office.
Dad, come back,
I think my waters broke.
Dad, just...
They're not going to have sex,
listen.
I'm sorry, Linda. It's my fault.
I've been putting your dick
under pressure.
We've all the time in the world.
Oh, thank Christ.
Yeah.
Do you know I've actually stopped
watching porn
where the women talk to the camera?
Cos it feels like I'm cheating
on you.
That's so sweet.
When I watch porn,
I picture your face on all the men,
even though your face doesn't match
their big bodies.
While we're here, do you want
to give each other hand jobs?
Oh, yeah. I bags sitting
in your dad's chair.
HEY, YOU! PUT THAT LITTLE THING AWAY
AND GET YOUR TROUSERS BACK ON!
SNAP!
Ah!
So, do you want to know
if it's a boy or a girl?
Is it a girl?
Correct.
A girl?
Have you got a problem with that?
A smaller version of you?
Loving this baby's going to be easy.
And with me as her godfather
and mentor,
there won't be a bike in the city
she won't know how to nick.