The X-Files (1993–…): Season 9, Episode 15 - Jump the Shark - full transcript

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(man) Once up a time, there were three
how shall I put this? - geeks.

Three more unlikely heroes
there never were.

We defend the defenceless.
I don't see any other way.

It wasn't long before their naivete
nearly got them killed,

so they hooked up with an FBI agent...

That's why we like you.
Your ideas are weirder than ours.

_.and began publishing a - what shall
I call it? - rag called "The Lone Gunmen".

The guys at the NSA and the CIA tremble
every time we put out one of these babies.

From their cramped basement office,
they pointed fingers at powerful evil forces.

And some not so evil.



In their own unique way, the three Gunmen
were patriots, fighting the good fight...

- We tell the stories others refuse to tell.
- Yeah, that's one way to put it.

_.and provided... expertise
for their friends at the FBI.

She's hot.

For a brief time, it looked as if they might
make a difference in this cold, cruel world.

They acquired an intern
who believed in them...

Let's fight for lost causes. I wanna help.

_.and a powerful, beautiful nemesis,

who became an ally.

But the world is not kind to idealists,

and those who fight the good fight
don't always win.

(sonar bleeps)

Morris.

L\/Iorris, it's going "ping".



Oh, it most certainly is.

Ping!

You're gonna make me spill.

- Morris, what is all that stuff anyway?
- Don't make me talk shop. It is so boring.

But I wanna know.

Au right.

Well, where do I begin?

We're in the Bermuda Triangle, right?

That place where all those planes
and ships have mysteriously disappeared.

- Who named it the Bermuda Triangle?
- Wait. You?

Yeah. That was in my former life,
before I joined the private sector.

There are things I can't talk about owing
to national security, but I will say this:

there are powerful forces out here.

Primal, otherworldly forces,
hidden beneath the waves,

just waiting to be plucked by man.

- (speedboat)
- Somebody's coming.

Whatever you're selling,
we don't want any. No ganja.

- (girl screams)
- Whoa! Wait, wait, wait!

You want the girl?
I can dig it. I'm down with that.

Wait, wait, wait, guys. This is a rental.
There's a $15,000 deposit on this.

Oh.

Your employer wanted me to tell you...

You're fired.

- Morris Fletcher?
- Finally.

What took you so long?
You must be Reyes. Enchanté_

Yeah. Mr Fletcher, we've been told
you requested us by name.

We're very curious about that.

You two head the FBI's
X-Files unit, do you not?

I thought you'd appreciate
what I have to offer.

Which is?

You have no idea
who you're sitting here with, do you?

A guy who's up fudge creek
for violating the Federal Secrets Act.

I've got top security clearance. I'm meant to
check in every month with my ex-employer.

So I skipped a few phone calls. Big deal.

Let me give you a hint.

I used to work at Groom Lake, Nevada.

Area 51?

I was a man in black! The men in black.
What? You've never heard of us?

- I saw the movie.
- Yeah, well.

There are a lot of technical inaccuracies
in that thing.

Anyway, I'm ready to make a deal.

- What deal would that be?
- The one that saves my furry pink ass.

People are trying to kill me.
Did you hear about my boat?

Yeah. Your female companion
told us what she witnessed.

My fem___? Oh, you mean they didn't kill...

- Brittany?
- Brittany.

Thank God she's still alive.
Look, I need protection.

I need to get outta here.
You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

I can give you guys
the keys to the kingdom -

UFOs, aliens, the whole 50-year cover-up.

- I was there for all of it.
- Tell me, Mr Fletcher,

these documents of yours,

are they indicative of the kind
of secrets you can reveal to us?

Honey... they're just the tip of the iceberg.

This is the Jupiter 2 from Lost in Space.

OK. Yeah, those are BS. But only those.

Yeah. I was freelancing
for this foreign billionaire.

I told him the air force lost a flying saucer
in the Bermuda Triangle,

and that I could recover it for him.
I just wanted to cruise the Bahamas.

I never would have given him the real thing.
That would be un-American.

- Coming out.
- He found out. He wants to kill me.

I need protection. Super-soldiers.

What do you know about super-soldiers?

A bit.

It may be... there's one
I can help you lay your hands on.

This super-soldier, he have a name?

Not he. She.

What the hell do they want?

(banging)

Gentlemen.

What happened here?
Did you get robbed?

- No.
- We're upgrading everything.

We gave away all our old crap
to the Salvation Army.

We're buying totally new stuff.

- What can we do for you?
- We were hoping you could help us out.

For months now we've been
investigating this secret cadre,

the so-called super-soldiers.

- Genetically altered humans.
- That want to Kill Mulder.

Exactly. We'd like your help
tracking one down.

This woman.

(Reyes) You recognise her?

She's, um...

She's a fellow hacker. Damn fine one.

She calls herself Yves Adele Harlow.
it's not her real name.

She disappeared a year ago
and nobody's seen her since.

We have reason to believe
that she's resurfaced,

and that she's become
one of these super-soldiers.

What in hell are you talking about?
She's no super-soldier.

- Absolutely not.
- Who told you that?

(Morris) This is pointless.

These three monkeys
couldn't find stink in an outhouse

You son of a...

- Let me at him!
- I'll hold him down.

- Whoa, fellas.
- You got a nerve coming here.

Miserable son of a bitch!

- Told you they wouldn't help.
- All right. Everybody just shut up.

This man is a professional liar.
Every word out of his mouth.

- He used us to track Yves down a year ago.
- And then he abducted her.

Which is why I know what happened to her.
I facilitated a meeting is all.

And the man I was working for,

I didn't know in advance
what he was planning to do to ner.

- Not my finest hour, I'll admit it.
- Every word out of his mouth.

Agents, I'm telling you,
you don't want these three involved.

They don't even have their gismos_

This place is like "How the Grinch
Stole RadioShack".

All right. You three know this woman.
I want your help.

We need to track down
this Yves Adele Harlow.

Knock, please.

Oh.

My office hours are 3 to 5,
Mondays and Fridays.

You'll make time for me, Professor.

Douglas, are you ready to go?

Douglas?

Airline reservation database.
What name do we look under?

Try her old standby -
different anagrams of Lee Harvey Oswald.

"Area 51 Exposé"? Ooh.

- Where's your new issue? This is a year old.
- Back off, skeezicks

You'll never find her that way.

He's right.
No anagrams for Yves Adele Harlow.

- So who's Joey?
- What?

Joey Ramona

Leader of the greatest punk rock band
in human history. Now shut up!

- (mocking laugh)
- What?

What are you? 34? 35? Why don't you
out your hair and grow up, huh?

Need I remind you that Doggett and Reyes
aren't here to save you.

Yeah, well. Get yourself a real hero, anyway.
Not some dead teenybopper_

You wanna know
why Joey Ramone's my hero?

Cos people like you
never managed to grind him down.

They never stole his spirit. He never gave in,
never gave up, and never sold out.

Right till his last breath.

And he's not dead.

Guys like that, they live forever.

Langly, just ignore him.

Look, if we have to work together,
let's work together.

We don't have to work together.

Watching you three trying to find your butts

with both hands is not my idea
of a fun time.

Wouldn't it be easier tracking Yves
if you knew her real name?

You know her real name?

Lois Runtz.

Lois Ru ntz? Uh-huh.

- I'm telling you the truth.
- If you were, it'd be a first.

(banging)

Nobody knows about that door.
That's our secret door.

Does Lois know about it?

Yves?

Jimmy?

Guys.

Jimmy?

- How you feeling, man?
- Oh, right. The old errand boy.

Guy used to intern for you losers, right?
I wondered what happened to you.

Why is he here?

FBI business. It's a long story.

Where the hell you been, big guy?

Zurich, then Malta, then Yemen.

And just now New Jersey.

It's been a real geology lesson.

I ran out of money, so I hitchhiked here.

I snuck in the back cos I didn't know
if the place was being watched.

I just had to see you guys.

It's about Lois.

Lois Runtz?

- That's Yves' real name.
- I told you so.

Wait a minute.

You tracked her all over the world? You?

Mr Brainpower here is lucky to be alive.

Why did you send him?
Were you trying to get him killed?

He sent himself.
We tried to talk him out of it.

Yeah. Now I almost wish you had.

Jimmy, what is it?
Are you all right?

Last night... I traced her
to a little college in New Jersey.

It's the closest I've been
in a year of searching.

I saw her. I actually laid my eyes on her.

I called to her...

But she ran.

Later on, I found out...

Guys, I think she murdered somebody.

One down.

John Gillnitz? I'm Agent Reyes,
and this is Agent Doggett.

Is this the woman you saw last night?

It was dark. Uh... It could have been her.
Do you have her in custody?

We're working on it.

What can you tell us about your friend?

Any reason why
he may have been targeted?

Absolutely none. Douglas was a wonderful
teacher, and an even better researcher.

- What did he research?
- Elasmobranchii_

Sharks, rays and skates.

- He was a marine biologist?
- An immunologist.

Sharks have a remarkable immune system.

Toxins that would kill any other vertebrate
pass right through them.

So he did medical research?

Douglas wanted to save the world.

Cheer up, gomer.
You're bringing the whole room down.

This is a computer, Langly. Com-pu-ter.
Step away before you embarrass yourself.

- Always a pleasure, Kimmy.
- Yeah, yeah.

So, then, now do you wish
to partake of my hacking genius?

Thanks to Jimmy, we know Yves' real name.

Hey! I told you before he did.

Jimmy also told us
what kind of car she's driving.

A silver X5 with New York plates.

Really? Way to go, special ed.

The New Jersey Turnpike
has cameras at every tollbooth_

- Langly spotted her southbound at Newark.
- Somewhat creative.

We spotted her again going through the
Fort McHenry Tunnel not 20 minutes ago.

We're betting she's headed for DC.
We'll try to intercept her, with your help.

Think you might find a military satellite to
give us a bird's-eye view of the Beltway?

Intriguing.

Stand aside, ladies.

- We'll be on the cell.
- I got shotgun.

Dream on. You're staying here.

We need somebody we can trust
keeping an eye on Fletcher.

I'm on it.

So how'd you like Malta?

The only thing I can say for sure
is what killed him.

He was injected with
some sort of tiny poison pellet.

But the wound in his chest...
was postmortem.

- What is that?
- That's what I said.

My best guess is bioluminescence, but
I'm still waiting to hear back from our lab.

Bioluminescence?
The stuff that makes lightning bugs glow?

Lightning bugs, plankton, jellyfish.
But generally not dead college professors.

- So this stuff was put on postmortem?
- No.

As near as I can tell,
it bled out of him.

It gets weirder still.

When I opened him up, I found
adhesions that indicate past surgery.

So I'm figuring I'll find
he had a bypass or a pacemaker.

Instead, I find...

This.

- It looks like cartilage.
- It is.

It was living tissue grafted into him.
I have absolutely no idea why.

Look, it held something.
Something that's now missing.

Could that be the purpose of this wound?
A little ad hoc surgery?

Maybe that was
the very purpose of the murder.

Whatever was inside him, she removed it.

What the hell was inside him?

I have no clue. Seriously,
this is the first I'm hearing of it.

Weird organs?

You've never heard of the man?
Professor Douglas Houghton.

You're looking at me oddly.

Perhaps because you've been
known to lie on occasion.

Yeah, well, I'm not lying now. I've said from
the start I didn't know what she was up to.

(Kimmy) Damn it! Crashed again!

I cannot make magic
with substandard equipment.

- What's the problem?
- The problem is,

it's a freaking piece of junk!

I knew those guys were broke,
but this is pathetic.

The guys are broke?

Are you kidding? Look around this dump.

They had to hock all their stuff
just to pay the rent.

- What about this?
- Their paper?

Deader than disco.
They haven't published in months.

So saving the world doesn't pay the bills.
There's a hot newsflash for you, huh?

What chumps!

They were getting by
till you put 'em out of business.

Oh. And how exactly did I do that?

When you took Yves. They spent
every last dime trying to find her.

They're loyal to their friends.
Hilarious, huh?

(phone)

- Reyes.
- (Byers) You better get here quick.

- Where are you?
- The Hotel Farragut. Hurry.

- She'll kill him.
- Doggett and Reyes are coming.

By then it'll be too late.

(tap running)

(tap stops)

Yves! Don't do it!

Lois?

Should I call you that?

I prefer Yves.

So... we take it you're not a super-soldier?

Super what?

Long story. Never mind.

Yves, you weren't seriously
going to smoke that guy, were you?

I know you three mean well,

but I can't begin to tell you
how badly you've mucked things up.

- So this guy just up and bolted?
- He hit her, and then he took off.

Nobody's seen him. The room is registered
to Leonard Southhall of Darien, Connecticut.

- It's an alias.
- It's a stolen ID.

The real Leonard Southhall died in 1996.
You wanna tell me who that was?

His real name? I have no idea.

This is your bag, isn't it?

It's quite a party you got planned for him.

Respirator.

Surgical gloves.

Scalpel.

Not to mention this little item here.

You were planning to out him open,
Ms Runtz, like you did the professor. Why?

Yves, it can't be true.
Tell them it's not.

It is, Jimmy. Time is running short.

Unless you let me finish what I started,
innocent people will die.

- You wanna elaborate on that?
- First things first.

Who was it that put you on to me?

Ohh! OK, guys.

So she's not a super-soldier.
I made an honest mistake.

OW!

As I suspected.
It's a tracking device.

I'm sure he meant to activate it
once he knew you had me.

You've been wearing that since Miami. You
were running a scam on us from the start.

Blowing up the boat, the girl
as your witness - you planned all that.

That and all the super-soldier bull.
All that was just to hook us.

So that you two would, in turn, hook us.

And we'd track down Yves
for this slime ball all over again.

Well, what can I tell ya?
You three always get the job done for me.

Who do you work for, Fletcher?

An international arms dealer,
a billionaire, and scum of the earth.

And he's also...

My father.

My father is a murderer and a supporter
of terrorism. I hate everything he stands for.

Yves,

you're a murderer too.

The man I killed was a terrorist, Jimmy.

A zealot whose research was funded

by my father for its potential
as a weapons system.

Houghton was an immunologist,
researching sharks.

Yes. And he used his knowledge of their
immune system to devise a vessel of sorts

that kept him safe from
an engineered virus he carried within him.

He had tissue implanted in his chest.

Cartilage. Shark cartilage.
It contained something which you removed.

- This virus you were talking about.
- I destroyed it, but it was only one of two.

Oh, man. The bald dude at the hotel,
the one that got away.

Think of him as a human time bomb.

He can pass by any sniff dog, any metal
detector, and no one would ever suspect.

- What triggers this time bomb?
- Programmed cellular death,

genetically altered
to a high degree of precision.

The way the vessel is decaying
inside him is clock-like.

It will lose integrity and rupture
at eight o'clock tonight.

- Five hours from now?
- This virus,

once it's airborne
its kill radius is five or six miles.

Potentially it could kill thousands.
Tens of thousands.

Fletcher, I know you're a dirt bag,
but still, how could you be a party to this?

Fletcher's a con man, not a killer.
He didn't know about it.

Providing all this is true,
how do we track this man down?

- Kimmy, zoom in more. Zoom in.
- Back off, kibitzer. I'm doing it.

This is slower than Stumpy,
my one-legged granny.

- Where did you get this dinosaur turd?
- Stop bellyaching and work.

- Those things'll kill you, you know.
- Yeah.

That's why I quit 20 years ago.
You want one?

So you're too broke to publish, huh?

Pencil neck told me.

It's a shame. This little rag
always was such a hoot.

I'm gonna miss it.

But, hey, the world spins on, right?

Maybe saving it is a younger man's game.

Or a woman's.

Maybe it is.

You gotta admit, Byers,
it hasn't exactly been our year.

And to top it all off,
we screwed the pooch pretty good today.

- Maybe we should pack it in.
- And do what instead?

We never gave up. We never will.

In the end, if that's the best
they can say about us, it'll do.

- I got him.
- Hey, it's my hack, Langly. I got him.

We got him, all right?

Our bad guy just rented a blue Corolla
under his alias Leonard Soutnhall

- We picked him up on the satellite.
- Hauling north like a bat out of hell.

New Jersey Turnpike,
30 miles south of Newark.

I think I know where he's headed.

(phone)

- Long Gunmen Newspaper Group, Byers.
- Byers, John Doggett.

Agent Doggett. Do you have him?

Oh, yeah. We got him.

How much do you trust
this Yves Harlow, Lois Runtz,

whatever name she's telling you?

Completely. Why?

Because the doctors here have run every
kind of imaging and come up snake eyes.

No virus, no cartilage vessel
in his chest, nothing.

- They found nothing.
- That doesn't make sense.

- They're absolutely certain?
- 100 per cent.

Agent Reyes and I are looking
like a couple of fools on this one.

There must be something we missed.

All I can tell you is, we got the wrong guy.

There must be a second man.
I know there is. It's Basic Terrorism 101.

Except we don't know
his name or his target.

And we've got one hour to find him.

Good evening.

You're good.

All my information pointed to that man.

He goes by an alias.
He travelled to Washington on this very day.

- Clearly he's involved somehow.
- He must be.

He made a beeline to that biology
department where the professor worked.

- Their base of operation.
- Yeah.

So if he is involved
and yet he doesn't have the virus.._?

- So how exactly does he fit into their plan?
- Three card monty_

- You ever played it? You have now.
- What's that supposed to mean?

It means these guys have you running after
the ace when you should chase the queen.

Oh, my God.

Southhall is the decoy. That's all he is.

They knew you were on their trail
so they gave you someone else to follow.

- You said you didn't know about terrorists.
- I don't.

But, boy, do I know scams. Iwasn't
a man in black all those years for nothing.

They made you work at finding Southhall,

which tells me the real guy
is hiding right out in the open.

A friend of the dead professor.
A co-worker, maybe.

The man who saw me
through the professor's window.

The one who identified me.

Ladies and gentlemen, scientists, academic
leaders and government representatives.

Coming together is our goal this evening,
coming together as one.

Those words are easily spoken,

but guiding our missile into that fugitive
and imponderable target is harder.

- Sorry. Conference attendees only.
- We're reporters.

- What newspaper do you work for?
- The Lone Gunmen.

- Never heard of it.
- We're legit, man.

- Show him your press pass.
- it's important we get in there.

- Buddy, come on.
- These expired last December.

- We've got five minutes.
- Listen.

We believe there's a dangerous man
in that room.

I need all of you to step away right now.

Look, thousands of people may die.

I got a situation
by the main conference room.

John Gillnitzl

John Gillnitzl

Step back, sir.

I'm really sorry.

- Where'd he go?
- Split up. Four minutes left. Good luck.

Hey, wait! What do we do
with this guy once we find him?

- Hold him till I get there. I'll do the rest.
- You mean cut him open?

If that virus gets into the airstream,
we'll have failed. People will die.

Whatever it takes.

Three minutes and counting.

(banging)

- Don't try to run.
- I don't have to.

- Yves! Jimmy! We've found him!
- Over here!

What do you plan to do?
By my watch, it's two minutes to eight.

- Not much time for surgery.
- Yves! Jimmy!

Now you have a minute 40.

Guys?

Whatever it takes.

(alarm bell)

(Jimmy) Byers! Frohike! Langlyl

Yves! Come here!

Guys!

Guys!

(Gillnitz choking)

Oh, God! No!

Don't! Jimmy!

Jimmy, don't.

Ws airtight.

They're already exposed.

No, guys!

Buddy, fight the good fight.

Both of you.

Never give up.

Vayan con Dios, amigos.

Arlington. You must have pulled
some big strings to get those guys in here.

It's the least I could do.

Are we ready?

Yeah.

Dana?

I'll catch up.

They meant so much to me.

I'm not sure if they ever really knew.

Nobody knew... what heroes they were.

It's not right.

It's not.

No, it's not.

Langly said to me "the ones who
never give up, they never die."

I still don't know what that means.

It means, like everyone buried here,

the world is a better place for them
having been in it.

It means that they're gone...
but they live on through us all.

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