The X-Files (1993–…): Season 10, Episode 3 - Mulder & Scully Meet the Were-Monster - full transcript

(WOLF HOWLS)

(BOTH INHALING AND EXHALING)

Don't, don't, don't. (LAUGHS)
Don't do that, don't do it!

Don't do that,
you tickle me.

You made the spray paint
come out of my nose.

What, do I have
paint on my face?

Dude, look at the moon!

Oh, whoa...

What?

When you see
a moon like that,

do you ever think
life is so amazing



and maybe
we shouldn't waste it

by just getting high
all the time?

No.

I think about how I wish
I were a werewolf.

What would you do
if you were a werewolf?

Get high
all the time.

(MAN GRUNTING)

What's that?
(MAN YELLING)

Where'd that come from?

(SCREAMING)
(GROWLING)

(SNARLING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Did that just happen?

(MAN GROANING)
Oh!



Hey. Hey, hey.

Whoa, whoa.
Dude. Dude, are you okay?

Yeah, I think so.

Dude, are you okay?

Dude, he just
said that he was.

No, not this dude.

This dude.

Whoa, dude.

I don't think that

that dude's okay.

Mulder, what are you
doing to my poster?

Scully, since we've
been away,

much of the unexplained
has been explained.

The "Death Valley Racetrack"?

Turns out it was
just ice formations,

moving the rocks
around as it melted.

Yeah, ice.

Humility prevents me from
recounting how I once thought

it had something to do

with a series
of mysterious sightings

of a rock-like creature
in Colorado,

which turned out to be
just a publicity stunt

by a local
landscaping business.

It's amazing,

going through these
archives with fresh,

if not wiser, eyes,
how many of these cases,

whether it's "The Amarillo
Armadillo Man"

or "The Hairy Whatzit
of Walla Walla,"

can be explained away
as fraternity pranks,

practical jokes or
people making stuff up

simply because
they're bored and/or crazy.

And if that
doesn't explain it,

well, then it was
probably just ice.

Mulder, have you
been taking your meds?

Scully, Charles Fort
spent his entire life

researching natural
and scientific anomalies,

which he published
in four books,

all of which I know by heart.

And at the end
of his life,

Fort himself wondered

if it hadn't all been a waste.

I get it.

I'm a middle-aged
man, Scully...

No, I am, lam.

I'm thinking maybe it's time
to put away childish things,

the Sasquatches and mothmen

and jackalopes.

I thought it'd be great
to get back to work.

But is this really how I want
to spend the rest of my days?

Chasing after monsters?

We've been given
another case, Mulder.

It has a monster in it.

One witness claimed that the
creature had three eyes

and the other one, one.

Notice they didn't get a
picture of it, which is odd,

because everybody always has
a camera on them these days.

You want to talk to these
witnesses while we're here?

Oh...

Anyway, this is the area

where they say
they saw the creature

attacking the animal
control officer,

even though he claims
to not have seen

whatever it was
that was attacking him.

Of course not.

Mountain lions always
attack from behind.

He was out here responding to
a call about a mountain lion.

It was a mountain lion. That's
what killed the other victim, too.

Well, that is what the local
authorities thought,

until they did a search
the next morning

and they found
this area over here,

where they found three
more victims. Hmm.

Gray wolves, Scully.

They've made a comeback
in this region.

Wolves take their
prey back to a lair.

Well, they were all mutilated
in exactly the same manner.

However, the third victim
wasn't wearing any clothes.

Maybe he was a nudist.

Took a midnight hike
in the nude,

got attacked by a wolf
or a lion or a bear.

Maybe all
at the same time.

That's how I'd like
to go out.

The uniqueness of the wounds,
Mulder, implies a human element.

Aw, Scully, I gave up profiling
before I gave up monsters.

You've seen one serial
killer, you've seen 'em all.

Mulder, I can see
that you're going through

a questioning phase
of some sort,

but people have
been killed here.

And if we can help stop
that and save some lives,

I think that is a unquestionably
worthwhile thing for us to do,

regardless of whether the thing
we find is animal or human

or otherwise.

Okay. When you
put it that way.

But mark my words, Scully,

when we catch whatever
is doing these killings,

it's only going
to have two eyes.

WOMAN: You want to party? Oh,
come on, there's a full moon out.

Let's get freaky, baby.

Two for the price of one.

Or a solo...
Nah.

You cheap bastards.

(CREATURE GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

Looks like you gave it
a pretty good shot.

WOMAN: I think I hit it
right in its horn.

Hmm.
It had a horn?

Like a unicorn?

It had horns.

At the back
of its head,

like a lizard or something.

Did it look anything
like this?

WOMAN: No.

The thing I saw
only had two eyes.

And it was
wearing underwear.

Boxers or briefs?

Tighty-whities.

Same kind
I used to wear.

I transitioned
last year.

Did you see
which way it headed?

I told the officers it slithered off
that way, but they think I'm on crack.

Are you?
Yeah.

Hey...

(TRYING TO WHISTLE)

MULDER: Any sign
of anything?

Don't!

Sneak up on a guy
like that.

Sorry.

Hey, aren't you the officer who
was attacked the other night?

That was me.

So do you have any idea
what kind of animal

this woman might have
seen this evening?

I got a call earlier about a
stray puppy running around.

I'm...

I'm sort of hoping
it's just that,

'cause I can
handle cats and dogs.

Anything bigger than that, and I
really start to question my...

Career decisions?

No, my life.

(GROWLING)

What are you doing?
Mulder...

If this thing looks like what
people say it looks like,

I'm gonna get
a good picture of it.

If this thing
looks like those drawings,

I'm emptying
my clip into it.

Even if it is
in its underwear.

Mulder...
It's this new camera app.

I'm not sure
if it's working right.

What is that?

(GASPS)

It's a fresh kill.

(SNARLING)

(CLICKING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

I heard a noise over
there, so I ran over here!

What is up
with your phone?

I don't know,
it's this new app.

I don't know
if it's working right.

Are you taking picture or video?
I don't know.

Well, go to "settings."
Where?

Go to the settings.

(GROWLING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)

Mulder!

Mulder!
(GROANS)

No, I'm okay.

You've got
blood on you.

I don't think
it's mine.

(GROANS)

Okay, that's it.

I quit.

Did you get
a good look at it?

I got a picture.

(GROWLING)

Oh!
Sorry

A bit of privacy, please.

Have you seen a...

That's its ear.

Or maybe it's a foot.

Mulder...
This one,

if you squint,
looks like

something.
(SIGHS)

And then this...

That's in focus!

But what is it?
It's a close-up.

Of the creature. Now, mind
you, I didn't say "monster."

And it wasn't
a Sasquatch.

But it was definitely an animal,
man-sized and hairless.

Maybe it was
a mangy Sasquatch.

Hey. You're overlooking
the video. Look.

(SCREAMING)

Mulder, you've got the lens
pointed the wrong way.

Yeah, it's the new
camera app. But look.

It shot blood at me.

From out its eyeball,
Scully, I think.

It was hard for me to see,
because I had blood in my eyes.

I haven't done
the blood analysis yet,

but it's probably residue
from the prior attack

on this victim.

And animals don't shoot blood
out of their eyeballs.

Oh, no? Well, tell that
to the horned lizard.

Which shoots blood
out its eyeball, Scully.

Yes, it's
a defense mechanism.

Scientific fact!

Mulder, the Internet
is not good for you.

Doesn't this
bear a resemblance

to what witnesses
claim they saw?

What, so now you're saying
that you were attacked

by a six-foot
horny toad?

Whoa! Let's just keep
this within the realm

of the natural sciences,
shall we?

My initial exam
of the bite marks

on this wound
would suggest

that they were made
by a human being.

So we're looking for a
man-sized horned lizard

with human teeth.

Sounds a bit silly,
doesn't it?

Yeah.

You're really enjoying
yourself, aren't you, Scully?

Yeah. I am.

I forgot how much fun
these cases could be.

It's been
a long day, Mulder.

Why don't you go
back to the hotel

and get some sleep?

And try not to
dream about monsters.

(MAN SCREAMS)

MAN: Monster!
Help me! It's a monster!

(MAN SOBBING)

(BREATH ES HEAVILY)

Everything okay in here?

Yeah. I apologize
for the disturbance.

Just an argument
with an unruly guest.

Now, please,
go back to your room.

I heard someone yell,
"Monster!"

That's what he had
the nerve to call me,

just because I asked him
to pay his overdue bill.

Does that make me
some kind of a monster?

Of course not.
Exactly.

Now, please go away
or I'll kill you.

(EXHALES)

(SIGHS)

(CREAKING)

Oh. Hello again.

Just looking for
the ice machine.

Hey.

(STAMMERS) What the hell were you...
That's private back there-

You're not
supposed to be...

Oh...

That's a security feature.

I had it put in
after 9/11.

I'm not
gonna report you.

When one checks into an
establishment such as this,

one expects the manager
to be a Peeping Tom.

But I do
harbor suspicions

that you saw something
in that trashed room

that greatly
disturbed you.

You mind telling me
what that was?

You're...

You're not gonna
believe it.

Try me.

Mmm. Mmm.

Yeah, nice and tidy.
(CHUCKLES)

MAN: Every day it's the same thing!
Why? Look at you!

I can't go on
like this!

I'm going insane having
to look at you every day!

Enough!

That's going
on his bill.

And you! You bastard.

(ALARM RINGING)

You are not waking me up again tomorrow.
Do you understand?

I'm sick of it!

Ah...

It's happening again.

Please! Let this be
the last time.

(WHIMPERS)

Huh?

(WHIMPERS)

(GASPS)

(MANAGER WHIMPERING)

(ROARS)

(MANAGER MUMBLING)

(SCREAMING)

(ROARING)

Monster!

Help me! It's a...

Monster.

Is this the creature
that you saw?

But with two eyes?

Yeah. That's exactly it.

And is this the man?

Oh! That's what I've
been trying to tell you.

They're one and the same.

It's a monster, Scully,
plain and simple.

And not just your everyday,
run-of-the-mill monster,

but we're talking
transformation here.

Man into monster
and back again.

To which I know
you're going to say,

"But, Mulder, that only
happens in werewolf myths

"that were originally
concocted to explain away

"the violent
behavior of people

"who'd been bitten
by rabid animals,

"before the medical
discovery of rabies."

But is it so outlandish to
believe that some legends

are based on actual occurrences
and not just ignorance?

To which I know what you're
going to say, Scully.

You're going to say,
"But, Mulder,

"it defies every known law
of science and nature."

Exactly, Scully.
Every known law.

What if this creature
that we've stumbled upon

is here to create
a whole new paradigm

for our understanding
of life itself?

Or maybe science was used to
create this unnatural being.

Maybe this is some
GMO experiment run amok

by some military-agro-big-pharma
corporation.

Maybe this guy
is its chief geneticist,

who recklessly
experimented on himself

and now transforms
into a fiend

who needs to feast
on human flesh.

To which I know
you're going to say,

"But, Mulder, that sounds
like the paranoid ravings

"of some lunatic madman."

I don't know what
this thing is, Scully,

and I don't know exactly how
it came to be, I just...

All I'm saying is,
it's a monster.

Yeah, this is how
I like my Mulder.

So you're agreeing
with me?

No!

You're bat-crap crazy!

But what about the facts?
What facts?

This guy,

who the manager just saw
turn into a monster,

was wearing the clothes
of one of our victims,

which we did not notice
at the time,

because we thought we were
looking for an animal.

Turns out we were
only half right.

Yeah, okay. Well, we need
to talk to this guy.

Well,l doubt he's coming
back to his room.

I did retrieve some personal
items from it, though,

that might help us
track him down.

Well, that sounds like a
good investigative plan.

The first thing
we need to do, though,

(WHISPERS) check out
of this motel.

Once upon a time,
there was a village

that was being tormented by
a man-eating lizard-dragon.

The local constable did everything
to try to kill this creature,

but nothing
could stop it.

So, finally,
he visits a Gypsy,

who tells him the only
way to kill this monster

is to stab it in its appendix
with a lance made of green glass.

Why the green glass?
And why the appendix?

Who the hell knows?

In these
old fairy tales,

the monster must always be destroyed
by some form of penetration.

A silver bullet,
a wooden stake...

Obviously, our ancestors were as
obsessed with impotency as we are, eh?

So, he fashions
a lance of green glass

and stabs the monster
in its appendix.

But as the monster
is dying,

the constable realizes he's
been looking in the mirror.

He was the monster
all along, you see?

The moral being?

It's easier to believe in
monsters out there in the world

than to accept that the real
monsters dwell within us

here

and sometimes here.

Maybe sometimes
here, right? (LAUGHS)

Not everything can be
reduced to psychology.

That's what you think.

At any rate, I was
reminded of this tale

because of your
suspect's delusion

that when the moon appears, he
would turn into a werewolf.

Werewolf?

I'm sorry.
I meant "were-lizard."

The werewolf was my
patient on Monday.

At any event, I prescribed
for him this antipsychotic,

but I doubt
it did him much good.

Why not?

He seemed pretty crazy.

Your, uh, records don't
provide much information,

and I'm assuming that "Guy
Mann" is not a real name.

Do you have any idea of
how I might find him?

I recommended, the next time
he felt an episode coming on,

that he go for a quiet stroll
in the local cemetery.

A reminder that no matter how
overwhelming our anxieties might be,

they will soon
be resolved

when we are dead and
buried for all eternity.

Do you really think that's
sound therapeutic advice?

It's what I do.

Thank you, doctor.

Uh, a moment.

A prescription
for yourself.

For me? Why me?

Perhaps I've read you wrong, Mr.
Mulder, but I wonder,

who is in more need
of an antipsychotic,

a man who believes himself
to be a were-lizard

or a man who believes
that man, hmm?

Mmm. (CHUCKLES)

Mulder, it's me.

I can't believe I'm about
to say what I'm about to say,

but I think I just found
your horny toad lizard man.

MULDER: Really?
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Where are you?

At the phone store by the motel.
I think he works here.

I'll be right there.

But, Mulder, I just got an
e-mail with the lab results,

the blood tests
from yesterday,

and there are
some discrepancies.

Mulder?

(SIGHS)

(BELL TINKLES)

Welcome to Smart Phones ls Us.
How may I help?

I'm wondering if I can
ask you some questions.

What the hell happened?
I don't know.

I came in and I asked him if I
could ask him some questions,

and he suddenly yelled, "I
quit," and he went on a rampage.

He fled out the back
through the stockroom.

What are you doing?
You know it's not safe

to approach a dangerous
suspect without backup.

Which way did he go?

He went that way,
down the back alley.

But, Mulder, I got the results
back from the lab, and...

(SIGHS)

(CROW CAWS)

(SIGHS)

(BIRDS TWITTERING)

(MOUTHING) No.

Did you lose
somebody recently?

Yeah.

Myself.

I know this sounds weird,

but until a few days ago,
I didn't know we die.

I mean, I always knew
we could die,

I instinctively
knew to avoid death,

but what I didn't know is,

no matter what we do,

eventually you end up
in a place like this.

It doesn't seem to make a
whole lot of sense, does it?

It doesn't make
any sense.

Nothing makes sense.

I don't mean
to intrude,

but you seem to have something
weighing heavily on you.

It might help to get
it off your chest

You mean to confess?

If you have
something to confess.

Well, I confess that,
if life is nonsense,

I just want this
madness to end.

But you're not thinking of
doing anything crazy, are you?

No.

I'm just gonna kill you.

You ready?

No, not the gun,
you fool!

(GRUNTS)

You okay?
Huh?

Oh!

Oh, no!
I've lost my weapon!

Here.

(GRUNTING)

Come on,
defend yourself!

I know what
you're trying to do.

The green glass,
the appendix.

But I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna kill you.

I want to help you.

The only way you
can help me, mister,

is by killing me.

Please.

Just put me
out of my misery.

Okay. I'll do it.

I'll kill you.

Thanks, mister.

You're, like, the only
nice person I've ever met!

But first, I want to hear
how this happened to you.

(SIGHS)

The whole story.

Okay.

But you're gonna
need this.

It's a shocker.

(OWL HOOTING)

(TWIG SNAPS)

MAN: Stop! No!
(GROANING)

(YELLING)

(MAN GROANS)

(ROARS)

(GROANING)

(WHIMPERING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(WHIMPERING CONTINUES)

Wait. I'm confused already.

You said you were going to
start at the beginning.

I am. That's how
the whole thing started.

I should have stayed
still, but I panicked.

I tried to scare off
that predator.

Of course, that only
made him more rabid.

I didn't even get a chance to
shoot blood out of my eyeballs.

So you're saying
a man bit you?

That looks like a hickey.

Well, it looks different
when I'm normal.

Is this what you look like
when you're "normal"?

(SCOFFS) What?

Three eyes?

But yeah, that's actually
quite close.

(STUTTERS)
So... When did you

first transform?

Oh, that didn't happen
till the next morning.

My transformation wasn't
just physical but mental.

I heard a voice
in my head. My voice.

I became conscious of my
own self-consciousness,

and then I had
my very first thought,

"I'm naked!"

I became overcome by some
irrational need to cover up.

For some unknown reason,

there was a bunch of dead
bodies lying around.

Now, I had never
worn clothes before,

but through some
primordial instinct, I...

I knew how to put them on.

Once clothed,
I became possessed.

I fought against it as much as
I could, but I lost control.

I had to go
on a hunt.

I had to hunt down a...

A human victim?

No, a job.

Uh...

My craze wouldn't be satiated
until I found steady work.

So I walked straight into town,
and rather tragically I...

I found something
right away.

Now, this model comes with 3,000
gigabertz of pixelbitz...

It's perfect for me.

I have no idea what I'm saying,
and neither do my customers.

You can see from the shape of it
that it's quite rectangular...

By the end of the day,
I was the manager.

Putting aside the logistics
of no Social Security number,

no references...

I don't need
any of that stuff.

You see, now I possess the
one Darwinian advantage

that humans have
over other animals,

the ability to BS
my way through anything.

I mean, it's better
than camouflage!

You wouldn't happen
to be BSing me

right now
about all this, would you?

I don't know. Maybe.

I don't understand half the
things I'm telling you.

I find that

disconcerting.

What's even more disturbing

is what I did
after work that first day.

I was so exhausted,
out of my mind, I...

I committed a murder.

Who did you kill?

A cow.

I'd like a double cheeseburger
and a large order of fries.

WOMAN ON SPEAKER:
Sir, if you're not in a car,

you have to come inside
to order.

Why?

In your natural state,
you're a vegetarian?

No, an insectivore.

But no one likes insects,
not even other insects.

Anyway, I took my kill,
checked into a motel,

and then I just spent the rest of
the clay helplessly watching porn.

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
(WOMAN MOANING)

(SLURPING)

(SIGHS)

But then, sometime during the
night, a change occurred.

(TV TURNS OFF)

Yeah, all right!

(CHUCKLES)

Come on.

(LAUGHS) Yeah!

I'm back, baby!

(WHOOPING)

I was myself again.

And everything was fine

until the next morning.

(ALARM RINGING)

(GRUNTS)
(ALARM STOPS RINGING)

(PANTING)

(GROANING)

(YAWNS)

Coffee. Need coffee.

Alas, I was human again.

(SPITS)

I went back to work.

But now that
I had a job,

all I could think about was
how much I hated my job.

Oh, that's it. I quit!

(GRUNTS)

But I was too overcome
with human fear to quit.

How would
I pay my bills?

Without a job, I'd never get
a loan and start a mortgage,

whatever that is.

Already, I was terrified I wasn't
saving enough for my retirement.

And what else
was I supposed to do?

If I haven't written
my novel by now,

I'm never going
to write it, you know?

I just couldn't go on.

So I visited
a witch doctor.

Psychiatrist.
Ah.

But the medicine he gave me
didn't cure me,

it just clouded
my thoughts.

And as a result,

I did something insane.

You attacked
and killed someone?

No, I got a puppy!

I named him Daggoo.

Daggoo! Daggoo!

Daggoo.

And I quickly realized that the
only way to be happy as a human...

Daggoo!

...was to spend all of your time
in the company of non-humans.

We played all
through the night.

But the next day, when I
came home from work...

Daggoo, I'm home! Daggoo?

Daggoo!

Well, I guess the maid must
have accidentally let him out.

Daggoo!

Daggoo!

I searched everywhere.
All night long.

But it was hopeless.

Daggoo!

Because life's hopeless.

A few fleeting
moments of happiness,

surrounded by
crushing loss and grief.

Daggoo!

Daggoo...

Why bother?

(SOBBING)

Just when
I'd given up the search,

l saw him.

Daggoo?
No.

No, the man who had bit me
and turned me into a human.

Just catching sight of that son of
a bitch made me even more human,

because I was filled
with the one thing

that only humans
can understand,

revenge.

I got up, and I stalked after him.
I just wanted to...

Strangle him
and eat his flesh?

Yes!

Now we're
getting somewhere.

But just as I was
about to do that,

I saw him do the same
thing to someone else.

(MAN GROANING)

I'd never seen such
pointless brutality.

I was so transfixed
by the horror

that I didn't notice
the moon had come out.

But having caught a glimpse of
what human nature was capable of,

I wanted no more
part of it.

I decided to shed my clothes
and return to the wild!

(SCREAMING)

Man, she hit like a man.

That's because
she used to be...

She once...
She's transgender.

What? You can't transform into
a different sex! That's nuts!

It's not nuts. It's actually a
very common medical procedure.

You don't need the surgery,
technically...

Maybe that's
what I could do!

It's a cure!
No.

Well, I've got to
stop transforming.

I'll do the surgery.
Completely different.

I don't care how much it costs.
I'll do it.

They cut off
your genitals.

Nah, I'll leave it. That's
a step too far, isn't it?

Yeah.
Okay.

Well, anyway, I think she
gave me a concussion.

Rest of the night's
pretty foggy.

Some people
chased me around a truck,

and a man took a mature
of me 'm the Porta Pom.

That was me, actually.

I thought
I recognized you!

But wait, how could you have
changed back into a man?

It wasn't morning yet.

I don't know how it works.
I'm not a scientist.

I'm just looking for some
kind of internal logic.

Why? There isn't an external
logic to any of it.

I mean, I went back
to the motel,

and a jackalope head on the
wall started screaming at me.

Explain that.

And I'm creeped out
by jackalopes,

ever since a friend of
mine got gored by one.

Jackalopes aren't real.

They were a hoax perpetrated by
a Wyoming taxidermist in 1932.

They don't exist.

Well, I'd like to see you explain
that to my dead friend George!

Anyway, I fled the motel,

turned into a human again the
next morning and went into work.

(DOOR OPENS)
(BELL TINKLES)

Welcome to Smart Phones ls Us.
How may I help?

I'm wondering if I can
ask you some questions.

Mmm-hmm. I think maybe my
phone isn't working right,

'cause guys don't send me
pictures of their junk on it.

I think maybe I'd like to
take a picture of yours.

Come on. I want to
make you say “cheese."

(MOANING)

You're an animal!
An animal!

This feels good!

Oh! Don't stop!

Don't...

Stop.

That did not happen.

I know it's hard
to believe,

but apparently
I'm terrific in the sack.

You made that up.

Oh. All right, you got me.

Ever since I became a human, I can't
help but lie about my sex life.

But that's the only untruthful
bit in the whole story.

So, please,

will you kill me now?

You don't believe me,
do you?

I thought I was going to
believe you, but it's all...

It's just too fantastic.

It's not fantastic.
It's tragic!

No, I mean
it's just silly.

That's my life
you're talking about.

It's my life, too.

You and me,
we're the same, Guy.

We both want to believe in
things that aren't real,

or even possible.

"There are more things
in Heaven and Earth,

"than are dreamt of
in your philosophy."

I know that.

Ah. But did you know the
First Folio version reads

"Than are dreamt of
in our philosophy?"

So Hamlet is not just calling
Horatio an ignorant idiot,

he's calling us
all ignorant idiots?

It's a comforting
thought, isn't it?

Because if there's nothing more to
life than what we already know,

then there's
nothing but worries,

self-doubt, regret

and loneliness.

(SIGHS)

Fox, man, you've got to
put me out of my misery!

I don't want to wake up tomorrow
and have to go to work!

What the hell's this?

You're the fuzz?

I'm in town
investigating the murders.

And you think I'd do
something like that?

What kind of a monster
do you think I am?

You didn't want
to help me.

You just wanted to arrest me
for something I didn't do.

Who takes advantage
of someone like that?

A human, that's who.

Human rat fink!

I'm not delusional. I know what I am.
I'm no monster.

You're the monster!

J 'accuse, Monsieur Mulder!

Run for your lives!
There's a monster!

Run! Monster!

Monster!

(SIGHS)

(THE X-FILES THEME MUSIC
RINGTONE PLAYING)

Hey, Scully.

Hey, Mulder,
where have you been?

I fell off
the wagon, Scully.

I got a little taste of my
old monster-hunting ways,

and then I downed
the whole bottle.

I take it you found
your were-lizard.

Yeah, it turns out it wasn't a
man who turns into a lizard,

it was a lizard
who turns into a man.

I don't see
the difference.

That's the point, Scully,
there is no difference.

Both scenarios
are equally foolish.

And I was foolish
to believe...

Well, maybe I was
just a fool, Scully.

Maybe I always
have been.

Where are you?
I'm at the animal shelter.

I'm waiting to see
that animal control officer.

So, he didn't quit
after all, huh?

No, I guess maybe
he's like us.

Some jobs keep
pulling you back.

Ow! (CHUCKLES)

What was that?
What happened?

This little puppy here just
tried to take a bite out of me.

"A bite"?

He's a cute
little guy, though.

Kind of reminds me
of Queequeg.

You know, there was a recent
comparative cognition study

that showed that dogs

hold hostilities toward people
that harm their masters?

I guess maybe I miss
having a dog to love

and someone to hold
my grudges for me.

(DOG BARKING)

(CRASHING)
Scully?

This is Agent Mulder
with the FBI.

I need emergency backup to
the animal control shelter.

And where the hell is the
animal control shelter?

Scully!

(DOG BARKING)
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

Hey. You missed
all the fun.

Are you okay?

Yeah, but I hate
to disappoint you.

It wasn't some monster running
around killing people

and eating their flesh.
It was a normal human being.

Did you know it was him
before coming here?

SCULLY: Yeah.

That one autopsy
result showed

that the actual
cause of death

was strangulation.

And so, on a hunch, I analyzed
the pole that he left behind,

and there was tissue and
blood from previous victims.

It all started
when I was a child.

This uncontrollable urge
to torture small animals.

As I got older, my
compulsion didn't vanish...

Okay, all right.
Leave it for the trial.

You're right, Mulder.

You've seen one serial killer,
you've seen them all.

But I have a whole
speech prepared that I...

OFFICER: Come on.

Scully, that is
the second time

you've approached a dangerous
suspect without backup.

What's going on?

Thought maybe you'd want
some more quality time

with your lizard man.

And besides, you forget.
I'm immortal.

Oh, Mulder, how did
you figure out it was him?

Oh, I was going over
those photos I took,

and I realized one
was of a bite mark.

So, if Guy's story were true, it
means he must have been bitten by...

"lf Guy's story
were true"?

(BARKS)

Hey, buddy. You want
to come home with me?

Guy! Hey, GUY-

We caught the killer.

$0?

So, for a while there,
I thought maybe it was you.

Well, thanks, I guess.

It means that
I know now

you were telling
the truth.

Sounds like
you're still unsure.

Well, you have
to admit, it's...

It's a little absurd.

(SCOFFS) A little bit absurd?

It's a lot absurd.

I mean,
look at this thing.

Whose genius idea was it to tie a
piece of cloth around your neck?

It's waiting
to strangle you.

Do you want a hat?
No.

What are you doing?

This is the time for my kind
to go into hibernation.

I'm hoping I won't turn into
a human again dufing it.

And maybe when
I wake up again,

I would have slept off this
whole transformation thing.

I didn't know that
reptiles hibernated.

Whoa! I'm not a reptile.
That's racist!

(STAMMERS) Okay. Okay.

How long do you
hibernate for?

Well,I never really did get the
hang of human constructs of time.

Let me see...

Lunar cycles,
you got four of those,

then you got
your seasons, just...

Ten thousand years.

That's not possible.

There you go again,
not believing me!

I want to believe.

I don't mean to
get too personal,

but this has been a real
trying time for me.

I've been
through a lot.

But just having
someone like you to...

Look, what I'm trying
to say is,

I'm glad to
have met you.

Like...

Likewise.