The Wrong Mans (2013–2014): Season 2, Episode 1 - X-Mans - full transcript

If you are not here by
five o'clock we will kill your wife.

This is our moment! We've been chosen!

I'm a Town Planning

and Noise Guidance Advisor
for Berkshire County Council!

"Small town, big future."

You're a 31-year-old Mail
Distribution Assistant who

lives with his mum!

What did I tell you about
watching mucky ladies?

They're not happy.

Guys, who wants to go go-karting?

No-one wants to go go-karting.



I'll come.

We're going to cross a lot of
bridges, Sam, jump a lot of hurdles.

I don't know what you're
talking about and I don't...

I'm talking about rolling deep!

Get in. Does the name Marat
Milankovic mean anything to you?

Did he play for Stoke?

You keep safe, tell no-one.

Milankovic can identify Russian
agents working here

and in the States.

Oh, my God, they killed Marat!

This is real now, this is Lizzie's life.

I will do the same to her if you
don't bring the documents to

Brimpton Airfield within the next half an hour.

Don't do it, Paul.
We'll have to shoot.



That list of names is worth
more than this kid's life.

Put your hands on your head!

Arrgh!

Arrgh!

Arrgh!

- You took a bullet for me.
- That's what friends do.

Best friends.

You've got to explode it.
If you don't explode it,
it doesn't mean anything.

Yeah, can I get one chicken fillet
combo meal, mega,

twice as spicy,
with a strawberry milkshake.

And...

Sam?

Er, spicy bean burger, please.

One nice 'n' spicy bean burger meal.

~ Just the burger, please.
~ No, one sec.

A drink on its own is 99p and hot
and crunchy wedges are £1.50.

I won't drink the drink,
or the wedges.

~ 'So what do you want?'
~ One second. Deal or no deal, Sam?

~ No deal.
~ And a spicy bean burger meal deal.

~ Enjoying your drink?
~ All right, don't be like that.
We paid for it so I'm drinking it.

Is that for us?

Can I see your driver's
licence, please, sir?

Sorry, what's this about?

It's about me asking him
for his driver's licence.

~ I think if you radio your
superiors... ~ Broken tail light.

~ And tell them you've just pulled over
Samuel Pinkett... ~ Tread on these
tyres is dangerously low.

.. and Philip Bourne, you'll be told
to stand down and be on your way.

~ Step out of the vehicle. ~ Why? ~ I
asked you to step out of your car.

~ And I have asked you why? ~ If you do
not step out of your car, I will...

~ Why should I get out of the car?
~ Phil, you're making it worse.

No, Sam. Stand your ground,
this is entrapment.

We're going nowhere, right.

Get out of the car.

GET OUT OF THE CAR!

'You are listening to KPPQ,
the hottest music in South Texas.'

♪ It's beginning to look a lot
like Christmas... ♪

'Make a U-turn when possible.

'Make a U-turn when possible.

'Make a U-turn when...'

♪ One in the park as well

♪ The sturdy kind that
doesn't mind the snow

♪ It's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas

♪ Soon the bells will start... ♪

Open up, Frank.

♪ And the thing that will make them
ring is the carol that you sing

♪ Right within... ♪

Terry?

♪ Your heart. ♪

Terry?

Terry?

Yes?

Are you drinking, Terry, in my yard?

Just water.

I think I can forgive you,
if maybe...

.. you do up my blouse.

~ Sorry?
~ My blouse is a little... undone.

Look. Isn't it?

Pervert!

Guys? Can I...?

Can I just get everybody's...? Guys?

Guys?

Guys, can I just get one minute...

Hey, listen up!
Ian's got something to say.

~ Thanks, Raul. ~ No problem, man.
~ Appreciate that.

Um, just a quickie.
I don't know if anybody's seen this,

I just thought it might be nice
if we all go to the rodeo.

So, I mean, I think it would be fun.

There's fireworks
and there's a free kids' corral.

Just put your hands up
if you fancy it. Yes, Raul.

Chuck, are you in? Course you are.
Don? Donny? Yes. Anyone else?

Terry?

Terry? Everyone else is coming.

I'm busy.

Well, I haven't said when yet.

I know.

What was that all about?

~ What? ~ You know what, embarrassing me
in front of my friends.

I just don't want to go rodeo.

Come off it. You'd love the rodeo,
you're just being facetious.

~ Facetious? ~ Yes. Facetious.

And what does facetious mean?

I'm looking at it.

~ Hi. ~ Hey, man, what are you doing?

Check your list, man.
This ain't your load.

Sorry.

Get out of here, man.

Sorry.

Hello?

'Hello.
Am I speaking to Mrs Bourne?'

Yes, that's me.
Sorry, little bit out of breath.

'That's OK. I'm calling from your
car insurance company.

'Our system says that your policy
is up for renewal.'

Oh, no, I think you must have a
mistake on your system there.

Because I actually cancelled
it about, oh,

about eight or nine months ago now.

Oh, why was that?

Well, it was damaged,
so I had to get a new car.

Different colour this time, though,
because my old one was pink

and my son hated it, so,
so for the new one I decided to try

and get a colour that he would
have approved of.

It's lime green.

Lime green!

What makes you think
he would have approved of that?

Philip had a lime green
rucksack at school.

'Yes, which I'm sure was a huge
embarrassment to him'

and he resented every second
he was forced to wear it.

No, he loved it.

'But I'm sorry to have taken up'

too much of your time.

I will update our computer system
records accordingly.

All right, thank you.

Thank you. Good day.

Bye.

Oh, he's gone. Bye-bye.
That's a nice young man.

How did it go?

Oh, you know, same old story.

It's the Prime Minister
begging for me back.

I said to him,
get someone else to do it, Tony.

But you were the best brain
and heart surgeon in Britain.

Europe, but yeah, you're right.

You know, sometimes I do miss it,
saving people's lives.

But who was fixing me?

~ Kate Winslet couldn't.
~ That puta.

You know I hate her for what
she did to you.

Don't! It wasn't
Kate's fault, in a way.

I was so wrapped up in myself

and work that
I couldn't cater for her needs.

But I'll never do that to you.

I've given it all up for you.

Oh, Ian!

You are so amazing.

Hey. Rosa's invited us
round to hers for Christmas,

which I thought might be fun.

You know, be a bit of a full house
with her brothers and that, but...

What are you looking at?

Watch.

They're traffickers. They hide
stuff in with the shipments.

Drugs, knock-off goods, people.

It's none of our business.

This could be our ticket home.

You've got to stop
talking like that. This IS our home.

It isn't and it never will be.

When are you going to start
looking on the bright side?

This is a fresh start.

The weather's good,
the accommodation is free.

There's any number of reasons
why this is great.

You'll find another
girlfriend in Bracknell.

Rosa's not just my girlfriend,
she's my soul mate, my companion.

Mentally, spiritually and yes,
sexually.

It's a sexual relationship.
We're having sex.

She thinks you're a former
pro-wrestler who also found

time to be a heart
and brain surgeon,

before giving it all up to come
and do stunts on a forklift truck.

And there it is, there it is.

I'm sorry I've got a forklift
driving licence,

and yes, that's opened doors for me.
It is not a level playing field.

I walk in there, I'm queen bee,
I'm Top Of The Pops,

I'm a big noise, yeah.

I'm someone
at Gopher Distribution Incorporated

and you can't bloody stand it!

Wow!

~ You're right, Phil. ~ Yes.

It's actually a relief
to hear it out loud.

~ Good. ~ I mean, yes,
the moment I'd got back with Lizzie,

the love of my life, I was ripped
away from her and dumped in a shitty

town in the middle of the desert
on the other side of the world.

But your...

forklift driving licence...

.. that's what really...

.. gnaws away at me!

I don't know who you are any more.

~ Wait. ~ What?

There's the match I leave
in the door. Someone's inside.

It probably just
blew off in the wind.

Argh!

Not quite the welcome
I was expecting, boys.

Why are you here?
Did they catch someone?

Sorry, if I'd have known
we were expecting guests,

I'd have got something in.

Actually, I brought you some
Christmas pressies.

Yeah, some things... I thought...

you might be missing.

Did they find out who
planted the bomb?

Like some biccies.

No, Terry,
they haven't caught anyone.

This is merely a routine catch-up
just to see how you're settling in.

I'm glad you're here, though,

because I've been doing
some thinking.

~ What if the bomb was planted the day
before? ~ I hadn't seen this.

The way I see it,
these are our suspects.

Reid didn't know we'd stitched him
up until after the bomb had

been planted,
so it couldn't have been him.

Looks a bit serial killer.

So either your double agent still
had some influence,

even after he was caught,
or it's the FSB, somehow.

~ Terry... ~ But why would they bother?

Apart from revenge,
in which case it must be personal,

which I think means we're just
looking for one person...

~ Terry... ~ Which is a completely...

~ Stop. ~ I'm saying,
why can't we just go home?

You could put us under surveillance,
give us armed guards.

~ We could...
~ You need to destroy this. Right now.

This goes against everything
we agreed.

I didn't agree anything with you.

I am here under the full authority
of the Director of the Security
Services.

Exactly. You're the cub scout.

I want to speak to Akela.

'It's OK, Collins,'

I'm sure Her Majesty will just pop
the salmon in the microwave
when I get back.

'You made a choice.
You can't go back on that.

'You knew that if you
stayed in Bracknell, you risked not
only your own lives,'

but the lives
of your families and loved ones.

You chose to protect those people
and stay alive,

'and you understood that that was
a permanent decision.'

Yes, then.
But now I've figured out that if...

'This is not something you can
call time on.'

Get it into your head - Samuel
Pinkett and Philip Bourne are dead.

'Do you understand?'

Yes.

Then don't contact me again unless
it's a matter of national security.

Now, don't do anything silly,

don't make any contact with
any one you knew.

As long as you stay here,
you're safe.

Jesus!

I thought you were dead.

Yuri never told you he had
a brother?

We're monozygotic twins.

Or at least we were.

Right.

How did you get
permission to come here?

Wherever here is.

Special diplomacy between Russia and UK.

FSB are cleaning up your operation.

They need to know if there
are any loose ends

~ they should be aware of, anyone else
who would know what happened.
~ No, Milankovic was shot.

Er, so was his associate.

Now your... your brother was
killed by Pinkett and Bourne,

but I heard that they
died in a car bomb.

Yes, I heard the bodies were
unidentifiable.

Yeah, I see.

And no-one else knew more than the
names on that list,

apart from me.

Good.

I am finished with him.

No!

Back up, back up!
I'm being attacked!

What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, Terry.

It's just until we agree another
contract with a cleaning firm.

It's OK.

Are you crazy?
What if someone sees us?

I am married, Terry.

♪ It wasn't God who made
honky tonk angels

♪ As you said in the words
of your song... ♪

'I know what I saw
and I don't believe for a second

'that MI5 have shared
the truth with us.

'We need a full and public inquiry.

'We need the truth.'

Shit!

'I don't understand why
we can't go to Cafe Rouge.'

Who doesn't like Cafe Rouge?

Because we have it here every year.

The whole point of an office party
is that it's at your office.

If we worked at Cafe Rouge,
I'd be with you, Noel.

~ How about Chiquitos?
~ Chiquitos I don't mind.

Lizzie, what do you think? Lizzie?

Sorry, yeah, um,
keep it in the office, I suppose.

What about dress code?

'Oh, hello.
Am I speaking with Mrs Bourne?'

I'm afraid she's not here.

She was actually taken into hospital
late last night.

Is there something I can help with?

~ Hospital? ~ 'That's right.

'I'm her neighbour. I've just come
to get some things for her,

'you know. She's able to sit up
every now and again.'

Well, what's the matter with her?

'It's her heart.

'The nurse I spoke to said
she's very poorly.

'This last year has been
particularly hard for her.

'She was going to be spending
Christmas with us,

'but I don't know
if she'll make it that far.

'Oh, sorry, I've probably said too
much, haven't I?'

No, that's fine. Thanks, Jan.

'How do you know my name?

'Hello?'

Terry, I need to speak to you.

What is it?

Don't be cross with me,
OK. Promise?

~ My mum's ill and it's... ~ Wait,
how do you know about your mum?

~ I've been calling home. ~ What?!
~ I said don't be cross.

~ Are you mad? ~ I use a pay phone,
I put on an accent. ~ Have you got any
idea... ~ Just listen to me!

OK, she's been taken into hospital
and Janice our neighbour said

she doesn't think she's going to
make it till Christmas.

And I can't bear the thought of her
being on her own, Sam, I can't.

First she lost my dad
and then she thinks I am dead

and it's just, I've got to be with
her, Sam, right.
I've got to leave now.

~ This is what I've been saying.
~ I know, I'm sorry.

Are you serious about this?

Yes.

Good. Because I've got an idea.

But we are going to cross
a lot of bridges, OK.

And jump a lot of hurdles,

and I need to know that I'm with
someone who's prepared to roll deep.

Are you prepared to roll deep?

That's how I roll.

Let's go home, Phil.

'You boys better be careful'

throwing these accusations around.

You never know who might
get mad at you.

We're not looking for trouble,
we're just asking for help.

We know you move people
across the border.

Can you help us get documents
to get back to Britain?

That's what I'm saying to you.

I don't do that stuff.

Well, can you tell us who does?

Please?

'Now listen, this guy you're about
to meet, Carlos Espinosa,

'he ain't the kind of guy that
likes to be found.

'So you mess him around,
then I get messed around.

'You understand?'

I can't believe I'm helping
you to leave.

But you're right, this was never
going to work long-term.

But I can still think about you.

About last night,

~ when I'm in the...
~ Oh, no, I get it, thank you.

There's no-one here.

I just want you to know that what you
did with Maria last night

was nothing short of heroic
and will never be forgotten.

I hope you're wrong,

because I'll be trying to forget
it as soon as possible.

I have spent most of my life moving
things,

drugs, guns, people, into America.

If somebody tells me they have two
guys who want to get out,

I couldn't believe it was true.

But you are real.

You sure you are real?

Yes, yeah.

The thing is, we can't travel on our
passports, so we need someone to...

Which one of you has a sick mother?

I do. That's me.

I know what it's like to lose family
without being able to say goodbye.

We got together all the money
we could get our hands on.

It's 1,800 dollars.

We help you.

Call me a sentimental old fool,
or maybe I'm just

excited about the idea of getting
someone out for a change.

You'll hear from us soon.

Hello, gentlemen. David Kinsmann.
Today is your lucky day.

Did Carlos send you?

I have no idea who you're talking
about.

Carlos Espinosa, Mexican fella,
lives in a cave?

No, we get it.

Laurence Gilliard and Ryan Castaine.

You're musicians.

What, like buskers or a professional
band?

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

I'll probably the frontman.

~ Why is that such a given?
~ Isn't it obvious?

Look, the important part is that you
work out your stories

and they're the same as each
other's.

In case anybody asks any questions,
learn your dates of birth,

etc, etc. I got to go.

Hang on, these flights are today.

Yeah. If I were you I'd head off
pretty quickly.

You do not want to miss that flight.

What are you doing?

I'm leaving a note for Rosa.

No! Absolutely not. We can't leave a
trail.

I can't just go without saying
goodbye.

Yes, we can, that's the deal.

But it's half price Tuesdays.

We were going to see Madagascar 4
tonight.

We're only going to get one chance
at this, Phil.

If you want to see your mum,
we've got to get it right.

I'm sorry about Rosa, I really am.

It's OK.

It'll be out on DVD soon
anyway.

~ Date of birth?
~ September 14th, 1983.

~ Place of birth? ~ Flint, Michigan.
~ Very good.

Where are you flying to today,
gentlemen?

We be going to London, England,
or as I call it, the 53rd state.

We're going to drink us some tea,
butter up a scone,

maybe eat some fish and chips,
nice and crispy, crispy batter.

Did you pack these cases yourselves?

You're goddamn right I did.

I put my clothes all up in that
suitcase.

Janine, can I borrow you a second?

One moment, sirs.

OK.

What was that?

~ What? ~ That voice?

It's my American accent.
You should practice yours.

YOU should practice YOURS!

You sound African American.

Not me. Laurence Gilliard.

Laurence Gilliard isn't black
either, you've got the same face.

Just let me do the talking, OK?

Sorry about that.

Do you have any dietary requirements
for your flight today?

Let me think... Er, no, ma'am,
I'll probably sleep most of the way,

so I'll be happy as long as I can
get a cup of coffee.

OK. Well, enjoy your flight.

"A cwup of cwoffee"?

All right, it's harder than I
thought.

Damn straight.

Let's just try not to talk from now
on.

Final call for flight 228 to London.
Please make your way to gate 15.

We're really doing it, Sam.

~ We're going home. ~ I know.

Mr Castaine, Mr Gilliard?

I'm Special Agent Miller.

Would you please come with me?

So you're musicians?

And what, you were going over to
England to play some shows?

Which one of you plays guitar?

And these must be yours?

Let's hear something then.

♪ So I'm going home

♪ To see your face again

♪ Can't wait to come down that
road

♪ Constantly looking for a friend

♪ Oh, baby, coming home

♪ To see my baby, see my baby

♪ I'm more seen as your baby

♪ And you're coming and away

♪ Everybody listening to word
that me say

♪ Bra-ta-ta-come-atta-choochi
-dong-day

♪ And I'm not Peter Ustinov
baby, OK? ♪

Ryan Castaine and Laurence Gilliard,
I'm arresting you for possession

and intent to traffic cocaine,

under section 841 of the Controlled
Substance Act.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you do say may be
held against you in a court of law.

Please, you have to listen!

We bought fake passports, OK?

We didn't know about the drugs!

We only knew about the passports.

We're in witness protection
and we had to break it

because we need to get home.

We were given the bags. We're not
Ryan and Laurence.

~ No, we're not even Terry and Ian.
~ Would you two shut up?

~ I'm Philip Bourne.
~ And I'm Sam Pinkett.

We were given the passports
by Carlos Espinosa.

He must have planted the drugs.

~ Say that name again.
~ Philip Bourne. ~ No.

Carlos Espinosa?

Pull over.

You, get back in the vehicle.

How do you know Carlos Espinosa?

We were in witness protection,
but we decided we had to leave.

I found out that my mum was poorly.

We were introduced to Espinosa

because we were told he could get us
home.

We didn't know he was going to
use us as drug donkeys.

Mules.

And you're willing to say this?

On the record, in front of a Federal
Judge?

Yeah.

It's the truth.

OK.

Get back in.

Well, where are we going?

I need 24 hours to check out
your story.

Until then, you've still been
charged

and you're still going to jail.

Agh, agh, agh!

Get up.

Let's roll, ladies.

Welcome to paradise.

Here's your suite.

Freshly vacated.

Two white boys just like y'all got
transferred out

last night for their own safety.

~ I want my phone call. ~ Me too.

You get one phone call every 90
days for good behaviour.

We're not going to be here
that long.

We're actually innocent.

Oh, why didn't you say?

We've got some much nicer rooms for
the innocent ones.

Really?

I think he was being sarcastic.

Hm.

Oh, God!

Listen to me, Sam, you cannot show
any weakness, OK?

These guys can smell fear.

I've seen all this on Ross Kemp's
Toughest Jails.

At some point, probably today,

someone is going to start a fight
with you.

You've got to win, or at least fight
back,

or you'll be marked out and beaten
every day.

They wouldn't beat us up for no
reason.

If we give them no reason...

Did Ross Kemp give them a reason?

We've got to look tough, right?

It's either that or you become
someone's wife.

Ooh, yes, please!

Are you not eating those beans?

No, I don't like them.

What's wrong with them?

Nothing, they're just a bit syrupy.

Look around you, Sam, everyone has
cleared their plates.

We don't know the rules yet,
the secret codes.

You're dishonouring them and
embarrassing me.

OK. You eat them, then.

Are you insane? That could be worse.

I'm not getting a reputation as, "Oh,
the guy who eats everybody's beans".

Don't look now, but there's a man
over there staring at me.

I said, "Don't look round"!

What's he doing now?

He's just licked his lips.

What, like he's got chapped lips,
or he licked them at you

in a sexy way?

I don't know.

A sexy way, I guess.

OK, I hate to break it to you Sam,
but you're now legally his bitch.

Eat your beans.

'Can you repeat those names?'

Sure. Samuel Pinkett
and Philip Bourne.

'Hold, please.'

Who is this?

This is Special Agent Miller.

I'm with the DEA here in Texas.

I see.

I need to know if you have two men

in some kind of witness protection
deal over here,

by the names of Samuel Pinkett and
Philip Bourne?

Is this a secure line?

I thought most people put up
pictures of boobs.

Who gets off on mathematical
equations?

Mr Watkins once got a boner in double
maths.

Everyone could see it, it was
amazing.

421, 422.

You got a date with the DEA.

We just tell her everything.

It's Carlos she's interested in,
not us.

But when do you think she'll let us
out of here?

Because ideally I need to leave ASAP.

Yeah, I wasn't planning on hanging
out here too long myself, actually.

Cool, so we're on the same page.

Good morning, gentlemen.
Nice to see you again.

Mr Espinosa heard a rumour you'd be
seeing a law enforcement

agent today and he thought it best
if you had an attorney present.

He has kindly paid for my services
to act in your best interests.

We are still going to fulfil our end
of our bargain

and you will see your mum.

But we paid.

18 hundred bucks wasn't enough
to cover the documents,

let alone the flight.

But, in lieu of a fee, Mr Espinosa
thought

maybe you could do him
a little favour.

How little?

There is an inmate here,
number 214, a certain Nathan Cross.

He's stolen a great deal of money
and merchandise from Mr Espinosa.

He's hiding it and you're going to
find out where.

Now, this cop is going to tell you
she can help you.

She might even tell you she can get
you out of here,

which she can't because you won't
have a shred of evidence,

and even if you did, she can't get
you out of here today.

And if you spill a word about Mr
Espinosa, there will be no tomorrow.

In fact, I have a sweet little
photo

of the last person who agreed
to testify against Mr Espinosa.

You want to see?

Hash tag no filter.

Interview begins 13.05,
December 19th.

OK, gentlemen.

Last time I saw you,

you started to tell me about your
interactions with Carlos Espinosa.

Correct?

You stated that you were unaware
of the narcotics in your baggage

and that they were given to you
by an associate of Carlos Espinosa,

who also arranged for your false
documentation.

For the record, are these
the facts as you stated them to me?

Boys, boys, boys.

Your attorney may have told you that
I can't help you, but I can.

I've checked out your story,
I know who you really are,

and with a little co-operation,
I can get you home.

And there's a reward for any
information that leads to

Espinosa's whereabouts.

A lot of money.

My clients would like to know
when you could effect their release.

Soon.

Exactly how soon?

Yeah, you made the right call.

Why do you need us to get this guy?

Haven't you got people in here who
can already get to him?

Er, let's just say they don't
have the right... qualities

Nathan Cross looks for in a friend.

So how do we find him?

He's in the hospital wing.

And how do we get there?

Guys, I've explained your options.

This is the one where you get to
live.

OK. This is the decider.

Mm-hm.

~ Best of five.
~ Come on. ~ Best of five.

Come on, we agreed.

OK, all right. OK.

OK.

Just hit me, go on, just hit me in
the face.

OK, hit me, hit me, hit me!

Argh!

Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!

I just, it's just reflexes.

It's how my brain is trained in a
certain way, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. I promise I won't hit
you again.

I'm going to put my hands
behind my back, OK.

Go on, go on.

~ Ready? ~ Yes.
~ Ready? ~ Yes! Yes!

Oh, my shit! I'm sorry!

I honestly don't know what's
wrong with me! I'm...

Argh!

You want this, do you?

Is this what you want?
Do you like this?

Don't bite me!

You're fine. It's just cuts and
bruises.

I don't feel fine.

So what happens now?

We stay here tonight and then
tomorrow morning,

spot of breakfast, head back?

You're going straight back
to your cells.

~ What?
~ You think it's that easy?

No, I really do think
I might have broken my finger.

The least...

Wait out there for somebody to
escort you back.

Don't make me call the guard in
here.

'You should have hit me harder.'

I hit you as hard as I can.

I just want to see my mum.

Get your stinking gorilla hands off
of me!

Aw, Mr Cross...

No "Thanks for treating my wounds"?

"Thanks for the daily sponge baths"?

"Thanks for feeding me when I
couldn't move my hands"?

Oh, God, that's why it had to be us.

Why?

Fuck you!

He's some kind of Nazi.
It's because we're white.

You know, you may call me
the gorilla,

but you're the one living in a cage.

Hi.

All right?

Argh!

Ha-ha-ha, good one. Ha-ha-ha.

Bloody hell.

So, what are you in for?

They call it a spree.

Cool.

But that's just the ones they found.

And is that because...?

Time to go, ladies.

Yes, please.

I don't know if I can go through
with this.

We've got to, we don't want to end
up like the guy in the photograph.

But they're bloody racists, though!

We don't have to be racist.
We just have to hang out with some.

It's like watching Top Gear.

Somebody should tell those rats
they're spoiling the view.

He'll do it.

What?

Oh, yeah. This one, he will, he's
mental.

He's got a, got a screw loose,

always has done, always will do.

What are you doing?

Shut up, this could be our ticket
out of here.

In Bracknell, everybody's
scared of him, aren't they?

Because he's, he's doolally.

If he walks down the high street,
people just,

they, they turn and they run the
other way.

He left school before he'd
finished his GCSEs.

And he could have got a C in science.

Banned from The Litten Tree
on Friday nights.

And last summer he killed a kid.

He did what?

As in a goat, as in a baby goat.

Now, what the hell you killing
a goat for, boy?

I'm into some pretty dark stuff.

Now, hold up, you mean to tell me
people are scared of this pussy?

Pussy? Would a pussy, yeah,
have that - a gunshot wound.

And you should see the other guy,
except you'd have to dig him up.

It's the other arm.

Because he's dead. Is it?

Gunshot wound. There, bang.

In the arm.

It was actually a black
man who shot me.

That's why I decided to become a
racist.

Like you guys.

All right then. Let's see this.

You walk over there,

walk right up to Snake,

and here's what you're going to say.

I just need to speak...

~ You want to go in there? ~ Yes.

You sure? Be my guest.

Afternoon.

My friends and I were wondering
if...

We should go and help out,
yeah?

Guys?

'It's a tsunami, a tidal wave
of sewage leaking over the border.'

I do what I can to clean up
the mess, the filth, the scum.

This is the thanks I get.

But what can you do

when the law is in the pocket
of these fucking animals,

huh?

Argh!

So hey, Nathan, just going
back to the whole, you know,

sewage situation.

Is there anyone in particular that
you maybe think that...

'You'll like this one.
My cousin Lenny,'

standing in line at City
Mutual Bank, San Antonio.

He's going to cash in his paycheck.

These three dagos walk in wearing
wrestling masks, waving guns around.

"This is a robbery".

Cool as you like, he waits for them
to finish,

pulls out his piece, pop, pop, pop!

Picks up the bag and walks clean out
of there

75,000 better off than when he went
in.

Now that's what I call a paycheck.

That's bullshit.

Nah, this is my cousin Lenny.

You think they don't have cameras
in every branch of every bank?

If it was your cousin
waiting in line,

his face would have been on CNN by
six o'clock that day.

And it wasn't three dagos,
it was four.

And it wasn't 75,000,
it was 82,000.

And they'll only find the murder
weapon the day

they dredge the Rio fucking Grande.

I mean, the really big fish is
Carlos Espinosa.

Carlos Espinosa?

I mean, Nathan has got to loads of
these guys,

but I'd be surprised if he's come
close to Espinosa.

Well, apparently Carlos Espinosa is
the real reason

that Nathan's even in here.

~ Really?
~ Yeah, apparently.

What did you just say about Carlos
Espinosa?

Oh, hi, Nathan.

What the hell do you think you know
about Carlos Espinosa?

Not us, other people, saying that
he's smarter than you

and that he's the one person who got
to you before you could get to him.

He got to me...

Apparently.

How about I got to him?

And I killed his only son and ten
of his other men,

took down his biggest ever trade,

all the money and half a tonne of
pure Colombian,

buried it somewhere so secret and so
remote that only I will ever know.

And I will take that to my grave.

Goddamn!

It's his eye.

He said he's got the money locked
away and his eye is the key.

That is very interesting.
Fascinating, in fact.

Mr Espinosa will be very
pleased to hear this.

Great.

Amazing.

How soon do you think you can get
it?

What?

You heard me.

You want us to get his eye?

If that's what we need, then yes.

That's impossible, it's his eye.

It's in his head.

And he's a psycho.

Shall I remind you of your options?

OK, OK, let's say
we managed to get it,

that we somehow managed to get it,
if we do,

you'll get us home?

Yes, the moment we have it,
you're on your way.

♪ Christmas time is here

♪ And my baby's so far away

♪ Christmas time is here

♪ And my baby's so far away. ♪

'It's impossible.'

'Nothing's impossible.'

Loads of things are impossible.

I can't fly.

I can't walk through that wall.

And we can't get a man's eye
out of his head without him noticing

and very probably killing us.

We could make a duplicate.

Oh, we'll just pop down the
glass-blowing workshop

and knock out a perfect
synthetic eye?

Then we'll have to kill him.

~ What?
~ Who's going to miss him?

He's a racist, a thief, a murderer.

Yeah, he's a murderer, we're not.

We're...

I don't know, victims.

Innocent victims, again.

We don't have to be victims,
we can change our fate.

No, we can't, that's what fate is,
it's inevitable.

I don't even know what day it is, do
you?

It must be 21st, 22nd?

Nearly Christmas.

What's your favourite bit of
Christmas dinner?

Sausage wrapped in bacon. Without
question.

It's the only meal where it's
acceptable to have an extra

portion of meat which is itself
wrapped in meat.

It's amazing.

Me and Mum always make the Christmas
dinner together,

drinking sherry.

She doesn't drink the rest of the
year,

so she's wasted by the time we sit
down.

Then she passes out and I watch
Die Hard.

Lizzie can't really cook.

I make the dinner, wearing a...

When we were first together,
I told Lizzie I think

Christmas jumpers are naff, so she
bought me one as a joke.

She's got me one every year since.

I can't imagine Christmas without
one now.

You know how I always know it's
going to be Christmas?

When that nativity display pops
up at the top of the high street.

You know the one?
I don't even know who puts it there.

Have you ever noticed the wise men?

No. What about them?

Well, Simon Pedgrift once dared me
to draw a moustache on one.

No-one's ever wiped it off.
I make a point of checking.

It was still there last year.

Time for your phone call.

What?

It hasn't been 90 days.

Do you want to make a call or not?

Elizabeth Green's office.

Is Lizzie there? I need to speak to
her urgently, please.

~ One moment. ~ This is a bad idea.

If she knows we're alive,
maybe she can help.

She could talk to the press...

They told us not to contact anyone,
you could be putting her in danger.

Only if you believe someone's
still after us.

It won't be a Christmas party
if it's not here.

Of course it will. Other places have
decorations as well.

Anybody seen Lizzie?

On the roof having a cigarette,
I'd imagine.

Listen, I know a guy at Bella Pasta,
OK? He can get us in.

Come on, come on.

So you're sure you're not putting
Lizzie in any danger?

~ Yes. ~ How sure?

98%?

Right, so you're saying there's
a 2% chance that

she will definitely be harmed?

Elizabeth Green speaking.

Hello?

Hello?

Watch out!

The line just went dead.

Did you ask who it was?

I did not. Sorry Lizzie, mea culpa.

This can't be about the beans.

I eat the beans now.

Argh!

What the hell?
Everybody back to their cells!

I'm sorry! I'm really sorry!

Hey!

Phil! Phil!

Really?

Sam!

I'm sorry!

Over here!

Oh, my God!

You guys are incredible!

That was amazing.

I mean, when they said,

"The moment you get the eye,
we'll get you out,"

I didn't think they meant literally
the second! Whoo!

Unbelievable! Properly unbelievable.

I can't believe it!

We were told to give
you guys these.

Now get some rest, huh?

It's a long flight and you have a
big day tomorrow.

Oh, OK, and what about the eye?

Yeah, where's Carlos?

Who the hell is Carlos?

Lie to me again and I'll shoot you.

You don't understand!

We're just a couple of guys in a band

on our way to England to play some
shows.

What? No, we're not!

No, we work for a trucking company in
Texas.

No, we work for the council,
or we used to.

I don't work for the council.

I just work in the building,
I'm sub-contracted.