The Wonder Years (1988–1993): Season 6, Episode 1 - Homecoming - full transcript

As Homecoming season approaches at high school, Kevin contends with the local high school rivalries. Meanwhile, Wayne's friend Wart comes back from Vietnam.

-THERE WAS A ROAD THAT RAN
NEAR THE EDGE OF MY TOWN,

OUT WHERE THE SUBURBS
WERE STILL FARMS.

I USED TO GO THERE
NIGHTS, THAT AUTUMN OF 1972.

I WAS 16.

I HAD A GIRL. I HAD
A CAR. I HAD A JOB.

I WAS FULL OF NIGHT AND LIFE.

I JUST WASN'T READY TO GO HOME.

THAT YEAR, I TRAVELED STREETS
I'D NEVER KNOWN BEFORE.

I PUSHED AGAINST THE
LIMITS OF MY SUBURBAN LIFE.

I HAD NO IDEA EXACTLY
WHAT LAY AHEAD.

ALL I KNEW WAS... I WAS
RUNNING OUT OF TIME.



AND I WAS GONNA BUST IF
SOMETHING DIDN'T HAPPEN... SOON.

-♪ BABY ♪

-♪ BY WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪

-♪ SAID I'M GONNA MAKE
IT WITH MY FRIENDS ♪

-♪ TRY WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪

-♪ OH, I'M GONNA
KEEP ON TRYING ♪

-♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪

♪ I'M GONNA KEEP ON
TRYING NOW, BABY ♪

-♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

-PEACE WITH HONOR
AND NOT SURRENDER.

-HALT THE BOMBING

AND THEN TERMINATE OUR
INVOLVEMENT IN THIS TRAGIC WAR.

-IN 1972, THE COUNTRY WAS AT WAR

WITH ITS ARMIES...
WITH ITS IDEALS...



WITH ITSELF.

THE DREAMS OF THE '60s
WERE BATTLING A NEW DECADE.

THINGS WERE
HAPPENING EVERYWHERE.

ALMOST EVERYWHERE.

-OPEN YOUR BOOKS TO
CHAPTER 6, SECTION 13.

"THE RISE OF
POST-AGRICULTURAL EUROPE."

-11th GRADE.

THE NO-MAN'S-LAND
OF PUBLIC EDUCATION.

-NOW... WHO CAN TELL ME
ANOTHER NAME FOR THIS ERA?

HOW ABOUT... THE
INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION?

-OH! OH!

THE INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION?

-EXCELLENT.

-IT WAS GRIM.

IN THE WAR BETWEEN
THE BOARD OF EDUCATION

AND THE CLASS OF '74...

THINGS HAD PRETTY MUCH
REACHED A STANDOFF...

- MR. ARNOLD!
- FOR MOST OF US.

-HOW ABOUT YOU?

-ME?

-NOT THAT I'D BEEN
NEGLECTING MY STUDIES.

I'D BEEN STUDYING A LOT.

-DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING
TO CONTRIBUTE?

-UH... YEAH.

-SURE. HOW MUCH
DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

-I'D BEEN STUDYING
TO BE A WISE GUY.

-I'LL BE EXPECTING A 10-PAGE
REPORT FROM YOU ON MONDAY.

-NOT VERY SUCCESSFULLY.

-RIGHT.

-OKAY, SO MY ACT NEEDED WORK.

LIKE MOST OF MY GENERATION,

I WAS DEALING WITH BIGGER
CONCEPTS THAN SCHOOLWORK,

CONCEPTS LIKE...
INTERCONFERENCE WAR.

-WHAT'S THIS ABOUT?

-ARE YOU KIDDING?

IT'S THE HOMECOMING GAME
AGAINST THE OWLS THIS WEEKEND.

IT'S ONLY THE BIGGEST
EVENT OF THE WHOLE YEAR.

-OH.

-PAUL PFEIFFER...

CLASS PRESIDENT, CIVIC BOOSTER.

-UP A LITTLE BIT ON THE LEFT.

-NATURALLY, I WAS PROUD OF HIM.

-COME ON, PAUL. LOOSEN UP.

I MEAN, IT'S JUST A GAME.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

- "WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?"

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
THE BIG DEAL IS.

IT'S THOSE STUPID OWLS.
THEY STOLE OUR KNIGHT.

-WHICH WAS TRUE.

IT HAPPENED IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.

A DARING 3:00 RAID.

-HEY! HEY, LET... LET GO!

-IT WAS THE BIGGEST
SCANDAL TO HIT SCHOOL

SINCE CHARLIE
MANDELSECK GOT CAUGHT

SNIFFING MAGIC MARKERS
IN THE ART-SUPPLY CLOSET.

-SO, THEY STOLE
OUR KNIGHT. SO WHAT?

CAN'T WE JUST GET ANOTHER ONE?

-VERY FUNNY.

-HEY, WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?

- HOMECOMING GAME.
- OH.

-I'M ASSUMING YOU'LL BE THERE?

-I DON'T KNOW. I MIGHT HAVE TO
SPEND THE WEEKEND WITH MY DAD.

- THAT WAS JEFF BILLINGS,
NEW GUY IN SCHOOL.
- LOOKS GOOD.

-BELIEVE IT OR NOT, HE WAS
THE FIRST KID I EVER KNEW

WHOSE PARENTS WERE DIVORCED.

-MAYBE YOU COULD BRING
YOUR DAD TO THE GAME.

-NO, YOU KNOW, THEN MY MOM
WOULD GET ALL UPSET AND I'LL HAVE TO

SPEND THE REST OF THE
WEEK EATING COLD MEAT LOAF.

-WELL, THAT SOUNDS PRETTY DUMB.

-OH, GREAT, YEAH. THAT'S
EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.

I MEAN, YOUR PARENTS ARE
STILL HAVING SEX TOGETHER.

-THEY ARE NOT!

-YEAH, YOU HAD TO LIKE THIS KID.

HE WAS KIND OF
LIKE ME... A WISE GUY.

-KEVIN!

-AND THEN THERE WAS WINNIE.

-I MISSED YOU TODAY.

I THOUGHT ABOUT
YOU IN CHEMISTRY.

-YEAH, I THOUGHT
ABOUT YOU IN BIOLOGY.

-WINNIE COOPER...

THE HAIR, THE SMILE,
THE WHOLE BALL OF WAX.

WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER.

-SO, CAN I GIVE YOU A LIFT?

-WELL, ALMOST EVERYTHING.

-OH.

-YEAH... ABOUT THE CAR.

-LOOK, I TOLD YOU. I
DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

MR. CHONG MADE ME PUT IT ON
IF I WANTED THE DELIVERY JOB.

-UH... PICK ME UP AT THE
SIDE ENTRANCE, OKAY?

THANKS!

-IT WAS MY FIRST TASTE

OF WHAT THEY CALL THE
WORKING MAN'S BLUES.

NOT THAT I WAS COMPLAINING,
YOU UNDERSTAND.

-HI, HONEY.

-I HAD MY FATHER TO DO THAT.

-HOW WAS WORK? EVERYTHING OKAY?

-LOUSY.

-WELL, THAT'S NICE.

-HEY, SUCKERS!

- WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
- WELL...

-NEVER MIND. I'LL JUST
MAKE SOMETHING MYSELF.

-MY BROTHER, WAYNE.

HE'D GONE TO WORK IN THE MAIL
ROOM AT DAD'S COMPANY, NORCOM.

$89.50 A WEEK, TAKE-HOME.

-DON'T FORGET TO UNWRAP
THAT BEFORE YOU EAT IT.

VANISH, SCROTE.

-NOT ONLY THAT, HE'D
MOVED INTO NEW DIGS

IN THE BASEMENT.

HIS OWN PERSONAL,
CUSTOMIZED RAT'S NEST.

HE WAS HAPPY AS A CLAM IN MUD.

-WELL, I GUESS IT'S
ONLY THREE FOR DINNER.

-NO, ACTUALLY, I GOT TO GO.

-GO WHERE?

-OUT.

- OUT?
- YOU KNOW, OUT. I GOT THINGS TO DO.

-WHAT KIND OF THINGS?

-THINGS, DAD.

-WELL, THEN... DRIVE CAREFULLY.

-RIGHT, DAD.

-DON'T GET INTO TROUBLE.

-RIGHT, DAD.

AND BE HOME BY 11:00.

-THERE IT WAS.

THE BOUNDLESS TRUST
OF PARENTS WHO LOVED ME.

-THANKS.

-IT WAS TOUCHING. REALLY.

MOUNTAIN VIEW DRIVE.
ALSO KNOWN AS "THE POINT."

-HEY!

-THE FINAL BATTLEFIELD IN
THE WAR BETWEEN THE SEXES.

NOT THAT I HAD THOSE
KIND OF PROBLEMS.

I HAD WINNIE.

-WAIT.

I LOVE THIS SONG.

WAIT. CAN WE ROLL DOWN
THE WINDOW A LITTLE?

WAIT.

- "WAIT." IT WAS
KIND OF HER MOTTO.

-I HAVE TO GET
SOMETHING FROM MY PURSE.

-YOU HAD TO HAND IT TO WINNIE.

WHEN IT CAME TO SAFE SEX,
SHE WAS AHEAD OF HER TIME.

SHE CAME ARMED WITH EVERY
DEVICE KNOWN TO MODERN WOMAN,

INCLUDING...

-GUM?

-OF COURSE, IN RETROSPECT, I
REALLY ADMIRE HER RESTRAINT.

IN RETROSPECT.

-LOOK, WINNIE, ARE WE REALLY
GONNA KEEP DOING THIS?

-DOING WHAT?

-WELL... YOU KNOW...
STARTING, STOPPING.

-MOSTLY STOPPING.

-DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME
WE WENT A LITTLE FURTHER?

-WHAT EXACTLY DO
YOU MEAN... "FURTHER"?

-WELL, YOU KNOW...

I... WE...

-KEVIN...

-AND THAT WAS THE GREAT
THING ABOUT THE GIRL.

-DID YOU KNOW YOUR CAR
SMELLS LIKE PORK LO MEIN?

-HER SENSE OF SMELL.

-YEAH. I KNEW THAT.

-AND THERE YOU HAD IT.

I WAS LIVING IN A WORLD
WHERE "GO" MEANT "STOP,"

WHERE "YES" MEANT "NO,"

WHILE OUT THERE,
IN THE REAL WORLD...

THINGS WERE HAPPENING...
THINGS THAT MATTERED.

-HEY, WAYNE!

-THINGS THAT MADE
MEN OUT OF BOYS.

WHAT'S UP?

HEY, MAN!

HOW YOU DOING?

-DAVID... LOOK AT YOU.

- WART. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

-THANKS. IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK.

-LOOK AT ALL THOSE
MEDALS. WERE YOU WOUNDED?

-AH, IT WAS NOTHING, REALLY.

-YEAH, MOM. HE'S FINE.

-YEAH!

-IT WAS AWESOME.

WAYNE'S PAL, DAVE WIRTSCHAFTER,

HAD LEFT FOR VIETNAM A GOOFY KID

AND COME HOME
FROM HIS TOUR A HERO.

-SO... WAS IT BAD?

WELL, YOU KNOW...

HEY, MAN! YOU
HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT!

-YEAH. WELL, UH...

I GOT MY DRIVER'S
LICENSE. ON THE FIRST TRY.

-THAT'S GREAT!

-YEAH.

-WELL, WE'RE ALL VERY
PROUD OF YOU, SON.

VERY PROUD.

-YEAH. AND, HEY, I GOT A
NEW ROOM IN THE BASEMENT.

IT'S REALLY COOL.
YOU WANT TO SEE IT?

- YEAH, SURE!
- ALL RIGHT!

-BUT THIS MUCH WAS CLEAR.

WHILE THE REST OF US

WERE PLAYING WITH
TINKERTOYS AND RIDING BIKES,

THIS GUY HAD BEEN THERE,
EARNING HIS STRIPES...

TAKING RISKS.

-THAT'S PATHETIC. LOOK AT THAT.

-WHAT HAPPENED?

-THEY GAVE HIM BACK.

-WELL, THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT?

- NO. THEY KEPT HIS ARMOR, MAN.
- OH.

-OH, FINE. BE THAT WAY.

I'M JUST SAYING, SOMEONE
OUGHT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

-YEAH, YOU KNOW,
I MEAN, HE'S RIGHT.

WE COULD WRITE A LETTER
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

- WE SHOULD FILE A COMPLAINT.
- YEAH, KNIGHT-NAPPING.

-OR WE CAN STEAL THEIR OWL.

-HMM.

-AH, NO. FORGET IT, MAN.

I MEAN, WE DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP IT.

-HEY, I KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP IT.

I GOT A FRIEND WHO
GOES TO CENTRAL.

-BINGO.

AND SO, THAT NIGHT,

THANKS TO FATE AND
RICKY HALSENBACH...

-GUYS? IS THAT YOU?

- I SAW MY CHANCE TO GO TO WAR.

-PUT THIS IN THE BACK.

-HOLY COW!

-SURE, MAYBE IT WAS CRAZY.

-FORGET IT. I'LL DO IT MYSELF.

-BUT IN SOME WAY, IT WAS
ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?

WHAT'S GOING ON OUT
THERE?! PUT THAT CAGE DOWN!

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, MAN!

-YOU HEAR ME?!

-COME ON! LET'S GO!

KEV! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!
- PUT THAT CAGE DOWN!

-IT WAS HEADY. IT WAS WILD.

IT WAS...
- STOP!

STOP!

-IT WAS... A TOTAL FIASCO.

AL, MORE FRIES!

-THE NEXT DAY,

WHILE THE REST OF THE WORLD
WAS CHOWING DOWN ON FRENCH FRIES,

I WAS EATING CROW.

-I DON'T BELIEVE IT. HOW
COULD I BLOW IT LIKE THAT?

I MEAN, WE WERE THERE.
WE HAD IT. AND THEN...

I MEAN, I BLEW IT. RIGHT?

-FACT... THE GREAT OWL
HEIST HAD BEEN A BUST.

-HEY, AREN'T YOU
GONNA SAY ANYTHING?

-YOU GOT SOME
KETCHUP ON YOUR SHIRT.

-HEY!

HEAR YOU BLEW IT LAST
NIGHT, HUH, BIG GUY?

- UH-OH.
- WHAT?

-OH, IT'S ALL OVER TOWN.

SOME BOZOS TRIED
TO RAID CENTRAL HIGH.

-WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IT WAS ME?

-OH... INTUITION.

PLUS THE GUARD SAID HE SAW A CAR

WITH SOME STUPID DRAGON
PAINTED ON THE SIDE.

NICE GOING, 007. THANKS.

-PERFECT.

-I WAS ON MY WAY TO BECOMING
THE TOWN LAUGHINGSTOCK...

AS OPPOSED TO,
SAY, THE LOCAL HERO.

-SO, WHAT WAS IT
LIKE? WAS IT SCARY?

-WELL, YOU KNOW, IT
WASN'T REALLY MUCH.

-ARE YOU KIDDING?! THIS
GUY WAS EVERYWHERE!

TELL 'EM, WART.

-WELL, I SPENT A LITTLE
TIME IN PLEIKU AND QUANG TRI

AND DOWN IN THE DELTA.

HEY, BUT I DID MY
R&R IN HONG KONG.

MAN, THAT WAS SOMETHING!
- YEAH, THAT WAS SOMETHING!

LISTEN TO THIS, GUYS.

THERE WAS THIS PLACE...
- LOOK AT THAT.

THE WAY MY BROTHER
WAS GRANDSTANDING,

YOU'D THINK HE'D
BEEN DRIVING A TANK

INSTEAD OF PUSHING A MAIL CART.

-SO, DID YOU KILL ANYBODY?

-WHAT?

UH, NO. NO, NOTHING LIKE THAT.

-YEAH? WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

NOTHING LIKE THAT.

OKAY, EVERYBODY. SHOW'S OVER.

BYE-BYE NOW. HAVE FUN.

DON'T FORGET YOUR HOMEWORK.
DON'T STAY UP TOO LATE.

TELL YOUR SISTER I SAY HI.

-HEY, YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING,

MAYBE I OUGHT TO
CHANGE OUT OF MY CLOTHES.

GET INTO MY CIVVIES, RIGHT?

-YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

AND I'LL PICK YOU UP TONIGHT.
WE'LL GO TO THE GAME.

-THERE'S A GAME?

-YEAH, IT'LL BE FUN.
WE'LL GOOF ON IT.

- ALL RIGHT, SURE.
- LET ME TRY THIS ON.

-AND OF COURSE IT WAS ONLY FAIR.

AFTER ALL, IN LIFE, SOME
GUYS GET THE GLORY...

-HEY, KEV. HEARD YOU GUYS
BLEW IT BIG-TIME LAST NIGHT.

- WHILE SOME GUYS
END UP WITH NOTHING

BUT A KICK IN THE PANTS.

HOMECOMING NIGHT. THE BIG GAME.

EVERYONE WHO WAS
ANYONE WAS THERE.

-HEY, GUYS! YOU'RE LATE!

-YEAH, WELL, WE HAD TO
PARK KIND OF FAR AWAY.

-WHERE?

-THE BASEBALL FIELD.

-WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE HERE.
AND IT'S GONNA BE A GREAT GAME.

EXCEPT FOR HALFTIME,

WHEN THEY FLY THAT STUPID
OWL AROUND THE STADIUM.

-PAUL.

-OH. RIGHT. SORRY.

-YEAH, THIS WAS SOME
FUN. BOOLA BOOLA.

-KEVIN, AREN'T YOU GONNA SIT?

-UH... NO, THANKS. I'M
GONNA GET US SOME SODAS.

-FIGURED I HAD ALL NIGHT
TO BE LAUGHED OUT OF TOWN.

MIGHT AS WELL FORTIFY
MYSELF WITH A COLD ONE.

-WART!

-HEY. HOW YOU DOING?

-GOOD. GOOD.

-BOY, SURE IS CROWDED, ISN'T IT?

-YEAH.

-LOT OF PEOPLE.

- HEY, WART.
- HEY.

-THE FUNNY THING
IS, OUT OF UNIFORM,

HE LOOKED LIKE...
THE OLD GOOFY WART.

- GANGWAY, SCROTE!
- WATCH IT, BUTTHEAD!

-HEY. HEY, THAT'S "MR.
BUTTHEAD" TO YOU, OKAY?

-MURDERER!

-WHAT WAS THAT?

-UH... NOTHING.

HEY, FORGET IT. IT DIDN'T
MEAN ANYTHING, OKAY?

- YEAH. THEY PROBABLY JUST...
- YEAH, SURE.

HEY, LISTEN. I'M GONNA
TAKE A WALK, OKAY?

- OKAY, WELL, I'LL GO WITH YOU.
- NAH, THAT'S OKAY.

UM, I'M GONNA CHECK
OUT THE OLD SCHOOL.

I'LL BE BACK. REALLY.
SAVE MY SEAT.

-YEAH, OKAY, WELL,
I'LL SEE YOU THERE.

-WHAT THE HECK.

YOU HAD TO FIGURE

WHERE HE'D BEEN, THE GUY
COULD TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF.

BESIDES, NO SENSE LETTING
A FEW ROTTEN APPLES

SPOIL THE WHOLE NIGHT.

-HEY, ARNOLD, CATCH
ANY OWLS LATELY?

-TWO COLAS AND
HOLD THE WISECRACKS.

-OF COURSE, LOOKING
BACK, I WAS BEING CHILDISH,

THIN-SKINNED,
OVERSENSITIVE... 16.

-OH! EXCUSE ME!

-ALL I KNEW WAS, I WAS FED UP...

WITH FOOTBALL,
WITH STUPID MASCOTS.

AND THAT'S WHEN I HEARD IT.

IT WAS ALMOST TOO
GOOD TO BE TRUE,

AS IF I'D PLANNED IT...
EVEN THOUGH I HADN'T.

WE STOOD THERE... EYE TO
EYE. IT WAS LIKE HE KNEW ME.

-HERE, BOY. YOU'RE
COMING WITH ME.

-I HAD ONLY ONE THOUGHT.

I WASN'T GONNA
BLOW IT THIS TIME.

-YES, YES, YES!

I MADE IT OUT TO
THE BASEBALL FIELD

IN ABOUT TWO MINUTES FLAT.

-I DID IT.

-THE THING IS, I HAD NO PLAN,
NO IDEA OF WHAT TO DO NEXT.

IT DIDN'T MATTER.

ALL I KNEW WAS...
- I DID IT.

-I'D SEEN MY CHANCE.
I'D TAKEN THE RISK.

I'D EARNED MY STRIPES.

-WART?

WART, IS THAT YOU?

WART!

HEY.

THIS IS PERFECT!

I GOT IT.

I GOT THEIR MASCOT.
I GOT THE OWL.

-AND I GUESS THAT'S
WHEN I SAW IT CLEARLY.

HE WAS SITTING ON THAT BENCH...

ON THE THIRD-BASE LINE...

AND HIS CLOTHES WERE IN A
LITTLE PILE ON THE GROUND.

-OH, GOD.

-WART?

WART?

WART, WHAT YOU DOING, MAN?

-NOTHING.

-HEY, MAN. LOOKS LIKE
YOU LOST YOUR CLOTHES.

-I KNOW.

NOTHING SEEMS TO FIT ANYMORE.

-HERE YOU GO.

WEAR MINE.

-IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.

-THEY SAY MEN ARE CHILDREN.

BUT SOMETIMES...
CHILDREN ARE MEN.

MAYBE THAT'S WHERE
THE CONFUSION LIES.

ALL I KNEW WAS,

THAT NIGHT, THE WORLD
SEEMED SUDDENLY VERY BIG...

AND I FELT VERY SMALL.

SO I DID WHAT I COULD.

- WE WANT!
- WE WANT!

- WE WANT A TOUCHDOWN!
- WE WANT A TOUCHDOWN!

- WE WANT, WE WANT!
- WE WANT, WE WANT!

- WE WANT A TOUCHDOWN!
- WE WANT A TOUCHDOWN!

- WE WANT, WE WANT!
- WE WANT, WE WANT!

- WE WANT A TOUCHDOWN!
- WE WANT A TOUCHDOWN!

-1972 WAS A CRAZY TIME.

-THREE!

-KIDS PLAYED FOOTBALL,
DROVE CARS, WENT TO SCHOOL,

CELEBRATED LIFE...

- WHILE SOLDIERS...
HEROES, THEIR BROTHERS...

STRUGGLED TO FIND
THEIR WAY HOME FROM WAR.

AND YOUNG BOYS WATCHED...

AND GREW WISER...

IN THEIR DREAMS.