The Wonder Years (1988–1993): Season 2, Episode 9 - Loosiers - full transcript
When Kevin sees that Paul is being humiliated at basketball during physical education class, he decides to go to Coach Cutlip to complain about how he thinks teams are being unfairly picked. Cutlip then decides to teach Kevin a lesson about fairness by making him a team captain.
-♪ WHAT WOULD YOU DO
IF I SANG OUT OF TUNE? ♪
♪ WOULD YOU STAND UP
AND WALK OUT ON ME? ♪
♪ LEND ME YOUR EARS,
AND I'LL SING YOU A SONG ♪
♪ I WILL TRY NOT TO
SING OUT OF KEY, YEAH ♪
♪ OH, BABY, I GET BY ♪
- ♪ BY WITH A LITTLE HELP
FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ ALL I NEED IS MY BUDDIES ♪
-♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ I'M SAYIN' I'M GONNA GET HIGHER ♪ - ♪
TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
- ♪ WHOA-OA-OA-OA, YEAH ♪
- ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪
[INTRO TO JAMES TAYLOR'S
"YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND" PLAYS]
-♪ WHEN YOU'RE
DOWN AND TROUBLED ♪
-IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE
BEING 12 YEARS OLD
AND GOING WITHOUT
CERTAIN THINGS,
LIKE THREE MONTHS
OFF IN THE SUMMERTIME
OR A GOOD BICYCLE TO
CRUISE THE NEIGHBORHOOD ON.
MORE THAN ANYTHING, THOUGH,
IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE
BEING 12 YEARS OLD
AND NOT HAVING A BEST
FRIEND LIKE PAUL PFEIFFER.
-♪ CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND THINK OF ME ♪
-PAUL WAS THE
NICEST KID I EVER KNEW.
HE WOULD HAVE DONE
ANYTHING FOR ME... I KNOW IT.
AND I WOULD HAVE
DONE ANYTHING FOR HIM.
AT LEAST I ALWAYS
THOUGHT I WOULD.
-♪ YOU JUST CALL ♪
-HOW MANY HOME
RUNS DID YAZ HIT IN '64?
-OH. UM...
15.
-CAREER BATTING AVERAGE?
-THAT WOULD BE .30...
NO, WAIT... 298.
-HOBBIES?
-KAYAKING AND...
TROUT FISHING!
-WHAT CAN YOU SAY? THE
KID LOVED TO TALK SPORTS.
-OKAY, ONE MORE GAME. CHECK IT.
-THE KID LOVED TO PLAY SPORTS.
-ALL RIGHT. NOW
YOU'RE A DEAD MAN.
-THERE'S NOTHING
STOPPING THIS KID!
HE'S LIKE A MACHINE OUT THERE!
-MORE THAN ANYTHING, THOUGH,
THE KID LOVED TO TALK
WHILE PLAYING SPORTS.
-HE DRIBBLES LEFT.
HE'S LOOKING FOR HIS SWEET SPOT.
HE STOPS. HE POPS.
OH, JUST OFF THE RIM!
BUT HE GETS HIS OWN
REBOUND! UNBELIEVABLE!
-THE FACT THAT PAUL SANK
MAYBE TWO BUCKETS PER SEASON
REALLY DIDN'T MATTER THAT MUCH.
-AND PFEIFFER'S DELIBERATELY
WORKING WITH THE BALL NOW.
EVER THE THINKING PLAYER.
-THAT TITLE-WINNING SHOT WAS
ALWAYS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
-AND THE PRESSURE'S ON.
HE LOOKS FOR HIS SWEET SPOT.
HERE COMES HIS SUPER-SUPREME
FADEAWAY HOOK SHOT!
-NO, PAUL! DON'T!
[GLASS BREAKS]
-SOVIET TANKS AND BOMBERS
SWEPT THOUGHT THE CZECH
CAPITAL OF PRAGUE LAST NIGHT
UNDER THE DUBIOUS
GUISE OF RESTORING ORDER
FOR THE APPARENTLY
PEACEFUL CITIZENS.
-YOU AREN'T PALMING IT, PAUL.
-I AM SO! LOOK!
-PIPE DOWN. WE'RE
WATCHING THE NEWS.
-CITIZENS OF PRAGUE, SHOCKED
AND STUNNED BY THE ASSAULT,
OFFERED NO MILITARY RESISTANCE
TO THE OVERWHELMING FORCES.
BY DAWN, THE CITY WAS
UNDER SOVIET CONTROL.
MORE AFTER THIS.
-IRREGULARITY.
-SO... YOU WANT TO DEFEND
YOUR COMMUNISTS NOW?
-I HAPPEN TO BE A SOCIALIST.
-OH, SOCIALIST. I SEE.
-HONEY, DID YOU SAY YOU
WANTED ICED TEA WITH DINNER?
-AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
THAT SAME OPPRESSION
EXISTS IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD.
-DO YOU SEE A TANK
IN MY BACKYARD?
I DON'T SEE A TANK
IN MY BACKYARD.
-DOES ANYONE NOT WANT
BRUSSELS SPROUTS WITH DINNER?
-IT WAS FUNNY HOW
THOSE THINGS WOULD GO.
DAD WOULD ARGUE,
KAREN WOULD ARGUE,
AND MOM WOULD GET THE ULCER.
-OH, KEVIN, PLEASE
REFILL THAT ICE TRAY
WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED WITH IT.
-THE NEWS IS ON, FOLKS.
-TALK ABOUT FASCISM.
-ONCE AGAIN, OUR TOP STORY...
THERE IS NO JOY ON THE
STREETS OF PRAGUE TONIGHT
AS SOVIET FORCES PATROL THE CITY
WITH ONE PURPOSE IN MIND...
TO CRUSH THE
SPIRIT OF THE PEOPLE.
-PEOPLE...
-OF COURSE, WE IN THE FREE WORLD
NEED NOT WORRY ABOUT
A TOTALITARIAN MILITARY,
BECAUSE ALL OUR TOTALITARIANS
ARE BUSY TEACHING
JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.
- WHEN YOU LOOK
BACK ON YOUR LIVES,
I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER TODAY
AS THE DAY THAT WE TURNED
YOU LITTLE BOYS INTO YOUNG MEN.
-HE'S GOT A DUFFEL BAG.
I THINK IT'S BASKETBALL.
-YEAH! BASKETBALL!
-UNFORTUNATELY FOR MR. CUTLIP,
OUR SPIRITS WERE NOT
YET COMPLETELY CRUSHED.
-IF YOU BOYS WANT
TO KEEP TALKING,
WE CAN SPEND THE REST OF
THE MORNING RUNNING LAPS.
WOULD ANYONE LIKE
TO TELL ME WHAT THIS IS?
-CUTLIP'S LAPDOG... JOEY HARRIS.
THE KID HAD NO SELF-RESPECT.
-A BASKETBALL, SIR?
[LAUGHTER]
-MUCH MORE THAN A
BASKETBALL, HARRIS.
PEOPLE...
I'VE GOT THE WHOLE
WORLD IN MY HANDS.
I DON'T CARE IF
YOU'RE BLACK, WHITE,
RED, OR YELLOW.
I'M ONLY INTERESTED
IN SEEING ONE PLAYER
ON THE BASKETBALL COURT.
AND THAT PLAYER'S
NAME IS CHARLIE HUSTLE.
CAPICHE?
-CAPICHE.
AT THAT STAGE, WE WOULD
HAVE AGREED TO NUCLEAR WAR
TO GET ON THE COURT AND PLAY.
-BUT I COULD TALK
AND TALK STRATEGY.
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY
TO LEARN BASKETBALL.
DIAGRAMS.
-ONCE AGAIN, MR. CUTLIP HAD
FULFILLED THE SACRED OATH
OF THE PUBLIC EDUCATOR...
TO TAKE AN
INHERENTLY FUN ACTIVITY
AND SAP IT OF EVERY
OUNCE OF PLEASURE.
-SO I WANT TO SEE
HEADS-UP OFFENSE,
AND I WANT TO SEE
HANDS-UP DEFENSE.
OKAY?
QUESTIONS.
GOOD.
OKAY.
LET'S SEE FOUR CAPTAINS.
NORKLEN, SIMEONE, RYGOT, O'HARA.
THE REST OF YOU BOYS
STAND UP ON THE LINE.
-BUT JUST IN CASE
THERE WAS A LITTLE FUN
LEFT IN BASKETBALL...
-OKAY...
LET'S PICK TEAMS.
- WE WOULD NOW BE TURNED
LOOSE ON EACH OTHER.
-I GOT JENKINS.
-I GOT SCHNEIDER.
-PICKING TEAMS... IT HAD TO BE
ONE OF THE MOST GRUELING
RITUALS OF CHILDHOOD.
- CHIAPA.
- I'LL TAKE VOGEL.
-BUT I FIGURED IT
WOULDN'T BE LONG NOW.
I HAD MYSELF PEGGED
FOR A SECOND-, MAYBE A
THIRD-ROUND DRAFT CHOICE.
-EVANS.
-GLEWA.
-PLATT. I GUESS.
-ALL RIGHT. ANYTIME NOW.
YEP, I'M READY TO PLAY.
-GIVE ME, UH, COLBERT, I GUESS.
-THAT'S RIGHT.
OVER HERE, O'HARA.
KEEP COMING.
-GIVE ME... ARN...
-THAT'S IT!
NAH, GIVE ME WILSON.
-UGH!
ALL RIGHT, NOW,
RYGOT. COME ON, MAN!
DON'T FORGET THOSE
BIOLOGY NOTES.
-I'LL TAKE ARNOLD, I GUESS.
-OKAY! ALL RIGHT. NOT TOO BAD.
TOP HALF OF THE CLASS.
THERE WERE MORE
THAN A FEW POOR LOSERS
WHO WERE WORSE
OFF THAN OLD KEVIN AR...
UH, DID I SAY LOSERS?
THAT'S HARSH.
UH-OH. THIS WAS NOT GOOD.
IT WAS DOWN TO
PAUL AND JOEY HARRIS.
TO BE PICKED LATE WAS BAD.
-UH...
-BUT TO BE PICKED LAST?
-I GUESS I'LL TAKE HARRIS.
-Pfeiffer.
-OKAY, FINE. I'LL TAKE PFEIFFER.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]
-AS SOON AS WE STARTED TO PLAY,
I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG.
PAUL WAS LIKE A MAN POSSESSED.
UNFORTUNATELY, HE WAS
NOT LIKE A MAN POSSESSED
OF A GREAT DEAL
OF ATHLETIC ABILITY.
-HEY, PAUL.
SURE BEATS CROSS-COUNTRY, HUH?
-YOU DIDN'T EVEN PASS IT TO ME.
-MAYBE YOU WEREN'T OPEN.
-OH, YEAH, RIGHT. I WASN'T
EVEN BEING COVERED.
I'M NOT THAT BAD, AM I?
-OUCH.
THE QUESTION YOU
HOPE THEY NEVER ASK.
-NO. YOU'RE NOT... THAT BAD.
-YOU THINK I STINK, DON'T YOU?
-PAUL, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
I THINK YOU'RE...
GOOD.
- NO, YOU DON'T.
- YES, I DO.
-SURE.
-LOOK, PAUL, I SAID YOU'RE GOOD.
HOW MANY TIMES DO
YOU WANT ME TO SAY IT?
YOU'RE GOOD, YOU'RE
GOOD, YOU'RE GOOD!
-JUST FORGET IT, ALL RIGHT?!
[DOOR SLAMS]
-THINGS DIDN'T GET A
LOT BETTER FOR PAUL
OVER THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS.
-I'LL DEFINITELY TAKE HARRIS.
-IN FACT, I GUESS YOU COULD SAY
THAT IN THE ONLY SMALL WAY THEY
COULD HAVE, THINGS GOT WORSE.
- ONE, TWO, THREE... WAR.
- ONE, TWO, THREE... WAR.
-OH, MAN, MATCHING ACES!
-YEAH, KEVIN, I GOT EYES.
-BEFORE LONG, THE
SITUATION AT SCHOOL
BEGAN TO AFFECT OUR HOME LIFE.
- ONE, TWO, THREE... WAR.
- ONE, TWO, THREE... WAR.
-YES!
-IN RETROSPECT, I SUPPOSE
I COULD HAVE DONE MORE
TO BOLSTER HIS SELF-ESTEEM.
-CONGRATULATIONS. I QUIT.
-WELL, WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO NOW?
DO YOU WANT TO GO
SHOOT SOME HOOPS?
- NO, I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
-WHY NOT?
-I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
-I'LL SPOT YOU 10 POINTS.
-DON'T DO ME ANY FAVORS.
-OH, COME ON, PAUL. WE
HAVEN'T PLAYED IN TWO WEEKS.
-I SAID I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
AND STOP BENDING MY CARDS.
- PAUL...
- STOP BENDING MY CARDS!
-HOW DO YOU HELP A FRIEND
WITHOUT WOUNDING HIS EGO?
THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS
YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY.
-LOOK, PAUL, JUST BECAUSE
YOU AREN'T ANY GOOD IN GYM
DOESN'T MEAN WE
SHOULD STOP PLAYING.
-LIKE THAT, FOR EXAMPLE.
-PAUL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- HOME.
- I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO BE HO...
-WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND, SON?
-DIRECT AND TO THE POINT.
JUST TAKE THE BULL BY THE HORNS.
-I'M HERE TO TALK
ABOUT GYM CLASS, SIR.
-PHYSICAL EDUCATION, SON.
-OH. YEAH, RIGHT.
PHYSICAL EDUCATION.
I MEAN, YOU'RE A REALLY
GREAT TEACHER AND ALL...
BUT ANYWAYS, ABOUT
BASKETBALL AND EVERYTHING...
I MEAN, IT'S REALLY GREAT,
AND THE DIAGRAMS
ARE REALLY GREAT,
AND I'M REALLY
GONNA TRY HARD AND...
-THAT'S THE IMPORTANT
THING... NEVER BE SATISFIED.
JELLYBEAN?
[BAG THUDS]
-BUT...
IT'S THE WAY WE PICK TEAMS, SIR.
-WHAT ABOUT IT?
-WELL, I...
-COME ON. JUST SPIT IT OUT.
YOU'RE RIGHT IN HERE.
JUST SAY IT... SIMPLY,
PLAINLY, HONESTLY.
-I JUST DON'T
THINK IT'S FAIR, SIR.
-WHAT?
-I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR.
-FAIR?
-IT WAS AN AMAZING THING
TO WATCH MR. CUTLIP'S
REACTION TO THAT WORD.
"FAIR."
IT WAS AS IF THAT
ONE SIMPLE UTTERANCE
WAS CUTTING THROUGH
LAYERS OF DEAD WOOD.
-[SNEEZES]
-THEN AGAIN, MAYBE NOT.
-LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
[DRAWER CLOSES]
YOU'RE GONNA SIT
THERE AND TELL ME
THAT I'M BEING UNFAIR?
-NO, I... I MEAN...
LIFE IS NOT FAIR, ARNOLD!
THE WORLD ISN'T FAIR!
-OKAY. HE'S GETTING DANGEROUS.
-I HAVE A STEEL
PLATE IN MY HEAD!
YOU THINK THAT'S FAIR?!
-NO. NO, I DON'T.
-I'VE BEEN TEACHING THIS CLASS
SINCE BEFORE YOU
WERE TOILET TRAINED.
BUT IF YOU DON'T
THINK IT'S FAIR,
THEN I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA MAKE SOME CHANGES.
AND, MISTER, YOU
BETTER LIKE 'EM.
-OH, GOD. THAT WAS IT. THE LOOK.
YOU REMEMBER THAT LOOK...
THE ONE THAT MADE
IT PERFECTLY CLEAR
WITHOUT A WORD BEING EXCHANGED
THAT YOUR TEACHER
HAD IT IN FOR YOU.
-IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT
TO MY ATTENTION
THAT CERTAIN INEQUITIES
EXIST IN MY MODUS OPERANDI.
SO TODAY, JUST TO BE...
FAIR...
I THOUGHT WE MIGHT
MAKE A FEW ADJUSTMENTS.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
FOUR NEW CAPTAINS.
STETSON, PATKUS, GRIMLY, AND...
ARNOLD.
OKAY, CAPTAINS.
FRONT AND CENTER.
-WELL, I HAD TO
HAND IT TO THE GUY.
HE'D FIGURED OUT HOW
TO TAKE A SITUATION
THAT HAD REACHED ROCK
BOTTOM AND MAKE IT FAR WORSE.
HE'D MADE ME A CAPTAIN...
THE PERFECT TORTURE.
I GOT RYGOT.
I'LL TAKE SIMEONE.
-UH, I GOT NORKLEN.
-AS IF IT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH
WATCHING THE OTHER
KIDS PICK PAUL LAST,
NOW I WAS GONNA
HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF.
-I'LL TAKE...
PFEIFFER!
-LIKE A FLASH, IT HIT ME.
I'D BUCK THE SYSTEM, STAND
UP FOR THE LITTLE GUY...
WIN BACK THE BEST
FRIEND I'D EVER HAD.
[LAUGHTER]
OR, SAY...
-THANKS, KEVIN. THANKS A LOT.
COMPLETELY HUMILIATE
THE BEST FRIEND I'D EVER HAD.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
-ALL RIGHT, STETSON. COME ON.
WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY.
-UH, I'LL TAKE JENKINS.
-UH, I'LL TAKE SNYDER.
-CHIAPA.
-COME ON, ARNOLD.
TIME'S WASTING.
-SUDDENLY, THE SCOPE
OF WHAT I WAS ABOUT TO DO
CAME INTO FOCUS.
-I'LL TAKE... HARRIS.
[LAUGHTER]
- WHAT IS HE DOING?
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
-OH, WHOA.
-LOOK AT THAT.
-WHOA. [LAUGHS]
-AND SO, ONE BY ONE,
I PICKED ALL THE
WORST KIDS IN THE CLASS.
YEAH, IT WAS CRAZY.
BUT SOMETIMES A GUY JUST
KNOWS WHAT A GUY'S GOT TO DO.
AND THIS WAS ONE OF THOSE TIMES.
AND WHEN I WAS DONE,
I LOOKED AT THEM,
I LOOKED AT MY
TEAM, AND I THOUGHT,
"GOOD GOD.
WHAT HAVE I DONE?"
-JUST AIM FOR THE BASKET.
["SWEET GEORGIA BROWN" PLAYS]
- TIME!
- WHAT?
- WHAT?
-WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU GUYS?
YOU'RE NOT EVEN
GETTING BACK ON DEFENSE.
HAROLD, YOU GOT TO BOX
YOUR MAN IN A LITTLE BIT.
AND, ALLEN, IF YOU HE GIVES
YOU THE INSIDE LANE, GO FOR IT.
WHAT WE'VE GOT TO
DO IS PASS THE BALL.
WE'VE GOT TO HAVE TEAMWORK.
-IT WAS LIKE WATCHING
SEA-MONKEYS COME TO LIFE...
NOT AS IMPRESSIVE
AS YOU'D HOPED,
BUT AT LEAST THEY WERE WIGGLING.
-ALL RIGHT, GATHER 'ROUND HERE.
-MAYBE, JUST MAYBE,
THIS COULD WORK.
SURE, WE WERE OUTMANNED.
BUT WE HAD THE BRAINS.
IF WE WORKED TOGETHER AS A TEAM,
IF WE USED OUR HEADS AND
OUR HEARTS AND OUR SOULS,
WE COULD BEAT THESE GUYS.
-OKAY. WE'RE GONNA DO THIS.
["SWEET GEORGIA BROWN" PLAYS]
-UNFORTUNATELY, WE WERE
NOT ONLY VERY UNATHLETIC...
WE WERE ALSO VERY STUPID.
AND WE HAD A VERY BAD ATTITUDE.
-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
-I'M PLAYING BASKETBALL.
MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF IT?
-YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING.
-SO WHAT? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
-NO, I WON'T. THAT
PLAY WAS PATHETIC.
-WHO CARES?
-LOOK, I KNOW
YOU'RE NOT THIS BAD.
-WELL, MAYBE I AM.
-WELL, MAYBE IF YOU GOT
OFF YOUR BUTT A LITTLE BIT,
YOU MIGHT BE DOING BETTER!
[LAUGHTER]
-GIVE ME THE BALL.
-NO, FORGET IT, IF
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TRY.
-I SAID GIVE ME THE BALL.
-AND THEN IT HAPPENED.
IT WAS A MIRACLE.
IT WAS THE IMPOSSIBLE.
IT WAS A DREAM COME TRUE.
-[COUGHING]
[LAUGHTER]
-IN THAT INSTANT, THAT BRIEF
PING OF RUBBER AGAINST STEEL,
BASKETBALL BECAME FUN AGAIN.
["SWEET GEORGIA BROWN" PLAYS]
OH, WE STILL GOT SLAUGHTERED.
BUT FOR THE FIRST
TIME IN A LONG TIME,
IT JUST DIDN'T SEEM TO MATTER.
[MUSIC STOPS]
- YES, THAT WAS THAT CAT,
ALL RIGHT.
-AND PAUL AND I GOT BACK TO
THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
-♪ WHEN YOU'RE
DOWN AND TROUBLED ♪
♪ AND YOU NEED A HELPING HAND ♪
-THE WAY THEY WOULD STAY
FOR MANY YEARS TO COME.
-♪ OH, NOTHING IS GOING RIGHT ♪
♪ CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND THINK OF ME ♪
♪ AND SOON I WILL BE THERE ♪
♪ TO BRIGHTEN UP EVEN
YOUR DARKEST NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU JUST CALL OUT MY NAME ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW, WHEREVER I AM ♪
♪ I'LL COME RUNNING ♪
♪ OH, YEAH, BABY ♪
♪ TO SEE YOU AGAIN ♪
IF I SANG OUT OF TUNE? ♪
♪ WOULD YOU STAND UP
AND WALK OUT ON ME? ♪
♪ LEND ME YOUR EARS,
AND I'LL SING YOU A SONG ♪
♪ I WILL TRY NOT TO
SING OUT OF KEY, YEAH ♪
♪ OH, BABY, I GET BY ♪
- ♪ BY WITH A LITTLE HELP
FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ ALL I NEED IS MY BUDDIES ♪
-♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ I'M SAYIN' I'M GONNA GET HIGHER ♪ - ♪
TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
- ♪ WHOA-OA-OA-OA, YEAH ♪
- ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪
[INTRO TO JAMES TAYLOR'S
"YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND" PLAYS]
-♪ WHEN YOU'RE
DOWN AND TROUBLED ♪
-IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE
BEING 12 YEARS OLD
AND GOING WITHOUT
CERTAIN THINGS,
LIKE THREE MONTHS
OFF IN THE SUMMERTIME
OR A GOOD BICYCLE TO
CRUISE THE NEIGHBORHOOD ON.
MORE THAN ANYTHING, THOUGH,
IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE
BEING 12 YEARS OLD
AND NOT HAVING A BEST
FRIEND LIKE PAUL PFEIFFER.
-♪ CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND THINK OF ME ♪
-PAUL WAS THE
NICEST KID I EVER KNEW.
HE WOULD HAVE DONE
ANYTHING FOR ME... I KNOW IT.
AND I WOULD HAVE
DONE ANYTHING FOR HIM.
AT LEAST I ALWAYS
THOUGHT I WOULD.
-♪ YOU JUST CALL ♪
-HOW MANY HOME
RUNS DID YAZ HIT IN '64?
-OH. UM...
15.
-CAREER BATTING AVERAGE?
-THAT WOULD BE .30...
NO, WAIT... 298.
-HOBBIES?
-KAYAKING AND...
TROUT FISHING!
-WHAT CAN YOU SAY? THE
KID LOVED TO TALK SPORTS.
-OKAY, ONE MORE GAME. CHECK IT.
-THE KID LOVED TO PLAY SPORTS.
-ALL RIGHT. NOW
YOU'RE A DEAD MAN.
-THERE'S NOTHING
STOPPING THIS KID!
HE'S LIKE A MACHINE OUT THERE!
-MORE THAN ANYTHING, THOUGH,
THE KID LOVED TO TALK
WHILE PLAYING SPORTS.
-HE DRIBBLES LEFT.
HE'S LOOKING FOR HIS SWEET SPOT.
HE STOPS. HE POPS.
OH, JUST OFF THE RIM!
BUT HE GETS HIS OWN
REBOUND! UNBELIEVABLE!
-THE FACT THAT PAUL SANK
MAYBE TWO BUCKETS PER SEASON
REALLY DIDN'T MATTER THAT MUCH.
-AND PFEIFFER'S DELIBERATELY
WORKING WITH THE BALL NOW.
EVER THE THINKING PLAYER.
-THAT TITLE-WINNING SHOT WAS
ALWAYS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
-AND THE PRESSURE'S ON.
HE LOOKS FOR HIS SWEET SPOT.
HERE COMES HIS SUPER-SUPREME
FADEAWAY HOOK SHOT!
-NO, PAUL! DON'T!
[GLASS BREAKS]
-SOVIET TANKS AND BOMBERS
SWEPT THOUGHT THE CZECH
CAPITAL OF PRAGUE LAST NIGHT
UNDER THE DUBIOUS
GUISE OF RESTORING ORDER
FOR THE APPARENTLY
PEACEFUL CITIZENS.
-YOU AREN'T PALMING IT, PAUL.
-I AM SO! LOOK!
-PIPE DOWN. WE'RE
WATCHING THE NEWS.
-CITIZENS OF PRAGUE, SHOCKED
AND STUNNED BY THE ASSAULT,
OFFERED NO MILITARY RESISTANCE
TO THE OVERWHELMING FORCES.
BY DAWN, THE CITY WAS
UNDER SOVIET CONTROL.
MORE AFTER THIS.
-IRREGULARITY.
-SO... YOU WANT TO DEFEND
YOUR COMMUNISTS NOW?
-I HAPPEN TO BE A SOCIALIST.
-OH, SOCIALIST. I SEE.
-HONEY, DID YOU SAY YOU
WANTED ICED TEA WITH DINNER?
-AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
THAT SAME OPPRESSION
EXISTS IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD.
-DO YOU SEE A TANK
IN MY BACKYARD?
I DON'T SEE A TANK
IN MY BACKYARD.
-DOES ANYONE NOT WANT
BRUSSELS SPROUTS WITH DINNER?
-IT WAS FUNNY HOW
THOSE THINGS WOULD GO.
DAD WOULD ARGUE,
KAREN WOULD ARGUE,
AND MOM WOULD GET THE ULCER.
-OH, KEVIN, PLEASE
REFILL THAT ICE TRAY
WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED WITH IT.
-THE NEWS IS ON, FOLKS.
-TALK ABOUT FASCISM.
-ONCE AGAIN, OUR TOP STORY...
THERE IS NO JOY ON THE
STREETS OF PRAGUE TONIGHT
AS SOVIET FORCES PATROL THE CITY
WITH ONE PURPOSE IN MIND...
TO CRUSH THE
SPIRIT OF THE PEOPLE.
-PEOPLE...
-OF COURSE, WE IN THE FREE WORLD
NEED NOT WORRY ABOUT
A TOTALITARIAN MILITARY,
BECAUSE ALL OUR TOTALITARIANS
ARE BUSY TEACHING
JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.
- WHEN YOU LOOK
BACK ON YOUR LIVES,
I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER TODAY
AS THE DAY THAT WE TURNED
YOU LITTLE BOYS INTO YOUNG MEN.
-HE'S GOT A DUFFEL BAG.
I THINK IT'S BASKETBALL.
-YEAH! BASKETBALL!
-UNFORTUNATELY FOR MR. CUTLIP,
OUR SPIRITS WERE NOT
YET COMPLETELY CRUSHED.
-IF YOU BOYS WANT
TO KEEP TALKING,
WE CAN SPEND THE REST OF
THE MORNING RUNNING LAPS.
WOULD ANYONE LIKE
TO TELL ME WHAT THIS IS?
-CUTLIP'S LAPDOG... JOEY HARRIS.
THE KID HAD NO SELF-RESPECT.
-A BASKETBALL, SIR?
[LAUGHTER]
-MUCH MORE THAN A
BASKETBALL, HARRIS.
PEOPLE...
I'VE GOT THE WHOLE
WORLD IN MY HANDS.
I DON'T CARE IF
YOU'RE BLACK, WHITE,
RED, OR YELLOW.
I'M ONLY INTERESTED
IN SEEING ONE PLAYER
ON THE BASKETBALL COURT.
AND THAT PLAYER'S
NAME IS CHARLIE HUSTLE.
CAPICHE?
-CAPICHE.
AT THAT STAGE, WE WOULD
HAVE AGREED TO NUCLEAR WAR
TO GET ON THE COURT AND PLAY.
-BUT I COULD TALK
AND TALK STRATEGY.
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY
TO LEARN BASKETBALL.
DIAGRAMS.
-ONCE AGAIN, MR. CUTLIP HAD
FULFILLED THE SACRED OATH
OF THE PUBLIC EDUCATOR...
TO TAKE AN
INHERENTLY FUN ACTIVITY
AND SAP IT OF EVERY
OUNCE OF PLEASURE.
-SO I WANT TO SEE
HEADS-UP OFFENSE,
AND I WANT TO SEE
HANDS-UP DEFENSE.
OKAY?
QUESTIONS.
GOOD.
OKAY.
LET'S SEE FOUR CAPTAINS.
NORKLEN, SIMEONE, RYGOT, O'HARA.
THE REST OF YOU BOYS
STAND UP ON THE LINE.
-BUT JUST IN CASE
THERE WAS A LITTLE FUN
LEFT IN BASKETBALL...
-OKAY...
LET'S PICK TEAMS.
- WE WOULD NOW BE TURNED
LOOSE ON EACH OTHER.
-I GOT JENKINS.
-I GOT SCHNEIDER.
-PICKING TEAMS... IT HAD TO BE
ONE OF THE MOST GRUELING
RITUALS OF CHILDHOOD.
- CHIAPA.
- I'LL TAKE VOGEL.
-BUT I FIGURED IT
WOULDN'T BE LONG NOW.
I HAD MYSELF PEGGED
FOR A SECOND-, MAYBE A
THIRD-ROUND DRAFT CHOICE.
-EVANS.
-GLEWA.
-PLATT. I GUESS.
-ALL RIGHT. ANYTIME NOW.
YEP, I'M READY TO PLAY.
-GIVE ME, UH, COLBERT, I GUESS.
-THAT'S RIGHT.
OVER HERE, O'HARA.
KEEP COMING.
-GIVE ME... ARN...
-THAT'S IT!
NAH, GIVE ME WILSON.
-UGH!
ALL RIGHT, NOW,
RYGOT. COME ON, MAN!
DON'T FORGET THOSE
BIOLOGY NOTES.
-I'LL TAKE ARNOLD, I GUESS.
-OKAY! ALL RIGHT. NOT TOO BAD.
TOP HALF OF THE CLASS.
THERE WERE MORE
THAN A FEW POOR LOSERS
WHO WERE WORSE
OFF THAN OLD KEVIN AR...
UH, DID I SAY LOSERS?
THAT'S HARSH.
UH-OH. THIS WAS NOT GOOD.
IT WAS DOWN TO
PAUL AND JOEY HARRIS.
TO BE PICKED LATE WAS BAD.
-UH...
-BUT TO BE PICKED LAST?
-I GUESS I'LL TAKE HARRIS.
-Pfeiffer.
-OKAY, FINE. I'LL TAKE PFEIFFER.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]
-AS SOON AS WE STARTED TO PLAY,
I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG.
PAUL WAS LIKE A MAN POSSESSED.
UNFORTUNATELY, HE WAS
NOT LIKE A MAN POSSESSED
OF A GREAT DEAL
OF ATHLETIC ABILITY.
-HEY, PAUL.
SURE BEATS CROSS-COUNTRY, HUH?
-YOU DIDN'T EVEN PASS IT TO ME.
-MAYBE YOU WEREN'T OPEN.
-OH, YEAH, RIGHT. I WASN'T
EVEN BEING COVERED.
I'M NOT THAT BAD, AM I?
-OUCH.
THE QUESTION YOU
HOPE THEY NEVER ASK.
-NO. YOU'RE NOT... THAT BAD.
-YOU THINK I STINK, DON'T YOU?
-PAUL, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
I THINK YOU'RE...
GOOD.
- NO, YOU DON'T.
- YES, I DO.
-SURE.
-LOOK, PAUL, I SAID YOU'RE GOOD.
HOW MANY TIMES DO
YOU WANT ME TO SAY IT?
YOU'RE GOOD, YOU'RE
GOOD, YOU'RE GOOD!
-JUST FORGET IT, ALL RIGHT?!
[DOOR SLAMS]
-THINGS DIDN'T GET A
LOT BETTER FOR PAUL
OVER THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS.
-I'LL DEFINITELY TAKE HARRIS.
-IN FACT, I GUESS YOU COULD SAY
THAT IN THE ONLY SMALL WAY THEY
COULD HAVE, THINGS GOT WORSE.
- ONE, TWO, THREE... WAR.
- ONE, TWO, THREE... WAR.
-OH, MAN, MATCHING ACES!
-YEAH, KEVIN, I GOT EYES.
-BEFORE LONG, THE
SITUATION AT SCHOOL
BEGAN TO AFFECT OUR HOME LIFE.
- ONE, TWO, THREE... WAR.
- ONE, TWO, THREE... WAR.
-YES!
-IN RETROSPECT, I SUPPOSE
I COULD HAVE DONE MORE
TO BOLSTER HIS SELF-ESTEEM.
-CONGRATULATIONS. I QUIT.
-WELL, WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO NOW?
DO YOU WANT TO GO
SHOOT SOME HOOPS?
- NO, I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
-WHY NOT?
-I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
-I'LL SPOT YOU 10 POINTS.
-DON'T DO ME ANY FAVORS.
-OH, COME ON, PAUL. WE
HAVEN'T PLAYED IN TWO WEEKS.
-I SAID I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
AND STOP BENDING MY CARDS.
- PAUL...
- STOP BENDING MY CARDS!
-HOW DO YOU HELP A FRIEND
WITHOUT WOUNDING HIS EGO?
THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS
YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY.
-LOOK, PAUL, JUST BECAUSE
YOU AREN'T ANY GOOD IN GYM
DOESN'T MEAN WE
SHOULD STOP PLAYING.
-LIKE THAT, FOR EXAMPLE.
-PAUL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- HOME.
- I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO BE HO...
-WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND, SON?
-DIRECT AND TO THE POINT.
JUST TAKE THE BULL BY THE HORNS.
-I'M HERE TO TALK
ABOUT GYM CLASS, SIR.
-PHYSICAL EDUCATION, SON.
-OH. YEAH, RIGHT.
PHYSICAL EDUCATION.
I MEAN, YOU'RE A REALLY
GREAT TEACHER AND ALL...
BUT ANYWAYS, ABOUT
BASKETBALL AND EVERYTHING...
I MEAN, IT'S REALLY GREAT,
AND THE DIAGRAMS
ARE REALLY GREAT,
AND I'M REALLY
GONNA TRY HARD AND...
-THAT'S THE IMPORTANT
THING... NEVER BE SATISFIED.
JELLYBEAN?
[BAG THUDS]
-BUT...
IT'S THE WAY WE PICK TEAMS, SIR.
-WHAT ABOUT IT?
-WELL, I...
-COME ON. JUST SPIT IT OUT.
YOU'RE RIGHT IN HERE.
JUST SAY IT... SIMPLY,
PLAINLY, HONESTLY.
-I JUST DON'T
THINK IT'S FAIR, SIR.
-WHAT?
-I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR.
-FAIR?
-IT WAS AN AMAZING THING
TO WATCH MR. CUTLIP'S
REACTION TO THAT WORD.
"FAIR."
IT WAS AS IF THAT
ONE SIMPLE UTTERANCE
WAS CUTTING THROUGH
LAYERS OF DEAD WOOD.
-[SNEEZES]
-THEN AGAIN, MAYBE NOT.
-LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
[DRAWER CLOSES]
YOU'RE GONNA SIT
THERE AND TELL ME
THAT I'M BEING UNFAIR?
-NO, I... I MEAN...
LIFE IS NOT FAIR, ARNOLD!
THE WORLD ISN'T FAIR!
-OKAY. HE'S GETTING DANGEROUS.
-I HAVE A STEEL
PLATE IN MY HEAD!
YOU THINK THAT'S FAIR?!
-NO. NO, I DON'T.
-I'VE BEEN TEACHING THIS CLASS
SINCE BEFORE YOU
WERE TOILET TRAINED.
BUT IF YOU DON'T
THINK IT'S FAIR,
THEN I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA MAKE SOME CHANGES.
AND, MISTER, YOU
BETTER LIKE 'EM.
-OH, GOD. THAT WAS IT. THE LOOK.
YOU REMEMBER THAT LOOK...
THE ONE THAT MADE
IT PERFECTLY CLEAR
WITHOUT A WORD BEING EXCHANGED
THAT YOUR TEACHER
HAD IT IN FOR YOU.
-IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT
TO MY ATTENTION
THAT CERTAIN INEQUITIES
EXIST IN MY MODUS OPERANDI.
SO TODAY, JUST TO BE...
FAIR...
I THOUGHT WE MIGHT
MAKE A FEW ADJUSTMENTS.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
FOUR NEW CAPTAINS.
STETSON, PATKUS, GRIMLY, AND...
ARNOLD.
OKAY, CAPTAINS.
FRONT AND CENTER.
-WELL, I HAD TO
HAND IT TO THE GUY.
HE'D FIGURED OUT HOW
TO TAKE A SITUATION
THAT HAD REACHED ROCK
BOTTOM AND MAKE IT FAR WORSE.
HE'D MADE ME A CAPTAIN...
THE PERFECT TORTURE.
I GOT RYGOT.
I'LL TAKE SIMEONE.
-UH, I GOT NORKLEN.
-AS IF IT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH
WATCHING THE OTHER
KIDS PICK PAUL LAST,
NOW I WAS GONNA
HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF.
-I'LL TAKE...
PFEIFFER!
-LIKE A FLASH, IT HIT ME.
I'D BUCK THE SYSTEM, STAND
UP FOR THE LITTLE GUY...
WIN BACK THE BEST
FRIEND I'D EVER HAD.
[LAUGHTER]
OR, SAY...
-THANKS, KEVIN. THANKS A LOT.
COMPLETELY HUMILIATE
THE BEST FRIEND I'D EVER HAD.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
-ALL RIGHT, STETSON. COME ON.
WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY.
-UH, I'LL TAKE JENKINS.
-UH, I'LL TAKE SNYDER.
-CHIAPA.
-COME ON, ARNOLD.
TIME'S WASTING.
-SUDDENLY, THE SCOPE
OF WHAT I WAS ABOUT TO DO
CAME INTO FOCUS.
-I'LL TAKE... HARRIS.
[LAUGHTER]
- WHAT IS HE DOING?
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
-OH, WHOA.
-LOOK AT THAT.
-WHOA. [LAUGHS]
-AND SO, ONE BY ONE,
I PICKED ALL THE
WORST KIDS IN THE CLASS.
YEAH, IT WAS CRAZY.
BUT SOMETIMES A GUY JUST
KNOWS WHAT A GUY'S GOT TO DO.
AND THIS WAS ONE OF THOSE TIMES.
AND WHEN I WAS DONE,
I LOOKED AT THEM,
I LOOKED AT MY
TEAM, AND I THOUGHT,
"GOOD GOD.
WHAT HAVE I DONE?"
-JUST AIM FOR THE BASKET.
["SWEET GEORGIA BROWN" PLAYS]
- TIME!
- WHAT?
- WHAT?
-WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU GUYS?
YOU'RE NOT EVEN
GETTING BACK ON DEFENSE.
HAROLD, YOU GOT TO BOX
YOUR MAN IN A LITTLE BIT.
AND, ALLEN, IF YOU HE GIVES
YOU THE INSIDE LANE, GO FOR IT.
WHAT WE'VE GOT TO
DO IS PASS THE BALL.
WE'VE GOT TO HAVE TEAMWORK.
-IT WAS LIKE WATCHING
SEA-MONKEYS COME TO LIFE...
NOT AS IMPRESSIVE
AS YOU'D HOPED,
BUT AT LEAST THEY WERE WIGGLING.
-ALL RIGHT, GATHER 'ROUND HERE.
-MAYBE, JUST MAYBE,
THIS COULD WORK.
SURE, WE WERE OUTMANNED.
BUT WE HAD THE BRAINS.
IF WE WORKED TOGETHER AS A TEAM,
IF WE USED OUR HEADS AND
OUR HEARTS AND OUR SOULS,
WE COULD BEAT THESE GUYS.
-OKAY. WE'RE GONNA DO THIS.
["SWEET GEORGIA BROWN" PLAYS]
-UNFORTUNATELY, WE WERE
NOT ONLY VERY UNATHLETIC...
WE WERE ALSO VERY STUPID.
AND WE HAD A VERY BAD ATTITUDE.
-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
-I'M PLAYING BASKETBALL.
MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF IT?
-YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING.
-SO WHAT? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
-NO, I WON'T. THAT
PLAY WAS PATHETIC.
-WHO CARES?
-LOOK, I KNOW
YOU'RE NOT THIS BAD.
-WELL, MAYBE I AM.
-WELL, MAYBE IF YOU GOT
OFF YOUR BUTT A LITTLE BIT,
YOU MIGHT BE DOING BETTER!
[LAUGHTER]
-GIVE ME THE BALL.
-NO, FORGET IT, IF
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TRY.
-I SAID GIVE ME THE BALL.
-AND THEN IT HAPPENED.
IT WAS A MIRACLE.
IT WAS THE IMPOSSIBLE.
IT WAS A DREAM COME TRUE.
-[COUGHING]
[LAUGHTER]
-IN THAT INSTANT, THAT BRIEF
PING OF RUBBER AGAINST STEEL,
BASKETBALL BECAME FUN AGAIN.
["SWEET GEORGIA BROWN" PLAYS]
OH, WE STILL GOT SLAUGHTERED.
BUT FOR THE FIRST
TIME IN A LONG TIME,
IT JUST DIDN'T SEEM TO MATTER.
[MUSIC STOPS]
- YES, THAT WAS THAT CAT,
ALL RIGHT.
-AND PAUL AND I GOT BACK TO
THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
-♪ WHEN YOU'RE
DOWN AND TROUBLED ♪
♪ AND YOU NEED A HELPING HAND ♪
-THE WAY THEY WOULD STAY
FOR MANY YEARS TO COME.
-♪ OH, NOTHING IS GOING RIGHT ♪
♪ CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND THINK OF ME ♪
♪ AND SOON I WILL BE THERE ♪
♪ TO BRIGHTEN UP EVEN
YOUR DARKEST NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU JUST CALL OUT MY NAME ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW, WHEREVER I AM ♪
♪ I'LL COME RUNNING ♪
♪ OH, YEAH, BABY ♪
♪ TO SEE YOU AGAIN ♪