The Wonder Years (1988–1993): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Phone Call - full transcript

-♪ WHAT WOULD YOU DO
IF I SANG OUT OF TUNE? ♪

♪ WOULD YOU STAND UP
AND WALK OUT ON ME? ♪

♪ LEND ME YOUR EARS,
AND I'LL SING YOU A SONG ♪

♪ I WILL TRY NOT TO
SING OUT OF KEY, YEAH ♪

♪ OH, BABY, I GET BY ♪
- ♪ BY WITH A LITTLE HELP
FROM MY FRIENDS ♪

-♪ ALL I NEED IS MY BUDDIES ♪

-♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪

-♪ I'M SAYIN' I'M
GONNA GET HIGHER ♪

-♪ TRY WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪

- ♪ WHOA-OA-OA-OA, YEAH ♪
- ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

-THERE ARE VERY FEW THINGS
IN LIFE AS PURELY TERRIFYING



AS CALLING A 12-YEAR-OLD
GIRL ON THE TELEPHONE.

-UGH!

-ESPECIALLY A REALLY
CUTE 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

-WE'RE AT T-MINUS 19 AND HOLDING

AS THE GROUND CREW PERFORMS
ONE LAST TECHNICAL CHECK

BEFORE THE HISTORIC
APOLLO 8 LIFT-OFF.

-SHE WAS IN MY HOMEROOM

AND THIRD-PERIOD
SOCIAL-STUDIES CLASS.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT DAY.

MRS. RITVO LET US
WATCH THE LIFT-OFF ON TV.

NOW, AT THE TIME, I'D JUST
GOTTEN OVER THIS WHOLE THING

WITH WINNIE COOPER,

SO I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW
I WAS READY FOR LOVE.

I JUST KNEW THAT I'D LOST ALL
INTEREST IN THE SPACE PROGRAM.



BLAST OFF, SPLASH DOWN,
BLAST OFF, SPLASH DOWN...

WHO CARED?

BUT THEN MY GAZE SETTLED ON...

ON HER...

ON LISA BERLINI.

LISA BERLINI WAS THE KIND
OF GIRL YOU DREAMED ABOUT

BUT WHO WOULD PROBABLY
NEVER EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.

- 8, 7, 6...
- BUT THEN IT HAPPENED.

- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

BLAST-OFF!

-♪ THEN I SAW HER FACE ♪

♪ NOW I'M A BELIEVER ♪

♪ NOT A TRACE ♪

-SHE LOOKED AT ME.
DID YOU SEE THAT?

SHE LOOKED RIGHT AT ME!
- ♪ THEN I SAW HER FACE ♪

-I DON'T KNOW HOW TO
EXPLAIN IT, EXCEPT TO SAY

THAT WHEN YOU'RE 12...
- ♪ NOW I'M A BELIEVER ♪

- AND A GIRL LIKE THAT
LOOKS AT YOU LIKE THAT,

EVEN FOR AN INSTANT,

EVERYTHING ELSE GETS
BLASTED OUT OF YOUR MIND

AND INTO THE UPPER ATMOSPHERE.
- ♪ I'M IN LOVE ♪

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

♪ I'M A BELIEVER, I COULDN'T
LEAVE HER IF I TRIED ♪

-I WAS IN LOVE.

-AND IF ALL GOES
WELL ON THIS MISSION,

FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN HUMAN HISTORY,

MAN WILL ORBIT THE MOON.

-SO NOW I WAS A MAN
WITH A MISSION OF MY OWN.

I HAD TO FIND OUT
IF SHE LIKED ME.

THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS I DIDN'T
REALLY KNOW LISA ALL THAT WELL.

OH, LET'S FACE IT, I'D NEVER
ACTUALLY HEARD HER SPEAK.

MAYBE THE EASIEST THING

WOULD BE TO JUST
CALL HER ON THE PHONE.

-UGH!

-ON THE OTHER HAND,
MAYBE THE EASIEST THING

WOULD BE TO JUST BUMP
INTO LISA SOMEWHERE...

CASUALLY...

ACCIDENTALLY.

SO I SPENT THE NEXT THREE DAYS
TRACKING HER EVERY MOVEMENT.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

AT 11:21 AND 15 SECONDS
ON TUESDAY THE 8th,

I MADE MY MOVE.

MY PLAN WAS FOOLPROOF.

I COULD ALREADY
SEE IT HAPPENING.

I'D LOOK AT HER.

SHE'D LOOK AT ME.

I'D SAY, "OH, PARDON ME.

I DIDN'T EXPECT TO
BUMP INTO YOU HERE."

SHE'D SAY, "JUST MY
LUCKY DAY, I GUESS."

ONE THING WOULD LEAD TO ANOTHER.

I'D SUGGEST WE TALK ABOUT IT
OVER AN ICE-CREAM SANDWICH.

-OH.

HI.

-UH...

-HOW ARE YOU?

-UH... UH...

FINE. FINE.

-WELL, BYE.

- "FINE"?

"FINE"?!

-I REALIZED THEN THAT
THERE WERE SPECIAL THINGS

THAT A MAN SAYS TO A WOMAN.
- "FINE"?! "FINE"?!

"FINE"?!

[Dial tone]

UGH!

-I ALSO REALIZED THAT I HAD NO
IDEA WHAT THOSE THINGS WERE.

BUT NOW I WAS
OFFICIALLY A GONER.

I COULDN'T SLEEP.

I COULDN'T EAT.

-MR. ARNOLD?

-I COULDN'T LEARN.

-MR. ARNOLD, I'M WAITING.

-HUH?

OH, WELL, UM...

COULD... YOU REPEAT THE
QUESTION, AGAIN, PLEASE?

-I ASKED IF YOU WERE PRESENT.

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE SOME MORE
TIME TO THINK ABOUT YOUR ANSWER.

-UM, CAN WE SIT DOWN NOW?

I'M GETTING LEG CRAMPS.

WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

-I'M NOT LOOKING FOR ANYBODY!

-WHY ARE YOU
STARING AT LISA BERLINI?

-WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO DO TO ME?!

- [MUFFLED SHOUTING]
- ARE YOU CRAZY?!

ALL RIGHT, IF I LET GO,
YOU PROMISE TO BE QUIET?

YOU SWEAR?

-[BREATHING HEAVILY]

DID I SAY SOMETHING WRONG?

-[GIGGLING]

-WHAT? DO YOU LIKE
HER OR SOMETHING?

-[SCOFFS] WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY?

WHERE DO YOU
GET IDEAS LIKE THAT?

[SCOFFS]

WELL, SORT OF.

-WOW! REALLY? DOES
SHE LIKE YOU, TOO?

-PAUL, I HAVE NO IDEA.

-DO YOU KNOW WHO'D KNOW?

-PAUL, YOU'VE GOT TO
PROMISE ME THIS ONCE...

DON'T LET ANYBODY KNOW, EVER!

-OKAY, OKAY.

-WHO?

-AND SO BEGAN THE GREAT
INTERMEDIARY FIASCO.

-PATTY GALVIN.

SHE LIVES RIGHT
NEXT DOOR TO HER,

AND SHE KNOWS
EVERYTHING ABOUT HER.

DO YOU WANT ME TO ASK?

-TORN BETWEEN THE
FORCES OF TORTUROUS LOVE

AND THE FEAR OF
HORRIBLE HUMILIATION,

I AGREED, ON THE SWORN PROMISE

THAT NOT A WORD WOULD
EVER BE MENTIONED

DIRECTLY TO LISA BERLINI,

TO LET PAUL ASK PATTY GALVIN
WHETHER OR NOT LISA LIKED ME.

AFTER ALL, PATTY DID KNOW
EVERYTHING ABOUT LISA.

-SHE HAD NO IDEA.

-WELL... WHAT'S SHE DOING?
WHERE'S SHE GOING NOW?

-SHE'S ASKING TOMMY RYGOT.

-OH, GOD! IT'S GONNA
BE ALL OVER THE SCHOOL!

-AND TOMMY RYGOT, OF
COURSE, HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA.

BUT HE WAS THOUGHTFUL
ENOUGH TO INQUIRE OF...

OF...

-WHO'S SHE?

-I'VE NEVER SEEN
HER BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

- OF SOMEONE WE'D NEVER
SEEN BEFORE IN OUR LIVES.

-OH, MY GOD! NO!

WHAT'S SHE DOING?!

PAUL, WHAT'S SHE DOING?!

[LAUGHTER]

[TOILET FLUSHES]
- AFTER THE GREAT INTERMEDIARY

FIASCO HAD... FIASCOED,

IT WAS CLEAR I COULD NEVER
BE SEEN BY LISA BERLINI AGAIN.

THERE WERE CERTAIN PLACES

I FELT I WAS UNLIKELY
TO BUMP INTO HER.

-I'M GONNA FLUSH THIS
TUNA-FISH SANDWICH

IF YOU DON'T WANT IT.

-PAUL, WHAT DID SHE DO

AFTER THE GIRL ASKED
HER IF SHE LIKED ME?

-I DON'T KNOW. I WAS
WATCHING YOU RUN OUT.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

WELL, I GUESS WE GOT
TO GO TO O'BRIEN'S CLASS.

-HUH-UNH. I'M NOT
GOING ANYWHERE.

SHE MIGHT SEE ME.

-WELL, YOU CAN'T JUST
STAY HERE ALL DAY.

-WHY NOT?

- "WHY NOT?" IS RIGHT.

I HAD RUNNING WATER,
INDOOR PLUMBING...

TUNA.

I COULD LAST WEEKS.

-YOU'RE GONNA SEE
HER ON THE BUS ANYWAY.

-NOT IF I WALK HOME.

-YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW?

-MOM, I HAVE A SORE THROAT.

-YOU DO?

COME HERE AND
LET ME TAKE A LOOK.

SAY "AH."

-AHHHHHH!

-WELL, IT IS A LITTLE RED.

-OF COURSE, THE HUMAN
THROAT IS ALWAYS RED,

BUT FORTUNATELY, MY
MOTHER NEVER LOOKED AT IT

WHEN I WASN'T COMPLAINING.

-YOU BETTER GO BACK TO BED.

-DO I HAVE TO?

-NO ARGUMENTS.

I'LL BRING YOU SOME
COCOA AND THE TV.

GO ON.

-UH, BACHELOR NUMBER 3, WHAT
DO YOU THINK OF MINISKIRTS?

-AFTER ABOUT TWO HOURS OF
STEADY BED REST AND TELEVISION,

THE WORLD ALWAYS
LOOKS A LITTLE BETTER.

[ TELEVISION
PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

AFTER ABOUT 10 HOURS, IT
ALWAYS LOOKS A LOT WORSE.

I STARTED TO FEEL
DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF.

I MEAN, WHAT WAS I GONNA DO,

SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE
WATCHING "LET'S MAKE A DEAL"

BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID
OF A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL?

- FOR $12.99...

-AS THE ASTRONAUTS ROUND

THE FAR SIDE OF
THE MOON TONIGHT,

FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE
DAYS OF CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS,

MANKIND WILL TRULY
SEE A NEW HORIZON.

-BUT THE THING THAT
AMAZES ME MOST, FRANK,

IS THE PERSONAL COURAGE
OF THOSE THREE MEN.

THEY ARE TRULY RISING
TO THE CHALLENGE

SET FORTH BY PRESIDENT
KENNEDY IN 1960.

-THOUGH WHILE WE
CANNOT GUARANTEE

THAT WE SHALL ONE DAY BE FIRST,

WE CAN GUARANTEE THAT ANY
FAILURE TO MAKE THIS EFFORT

WILL MAKE US LAST.

[ APPLAUSE]

-SUDDENLY, I REALIZED
WHAT I HAD TO DO.

I COULDN'T RUN AWAY
FROM LISA BERLINI.

I HAD TO TAKE THAT BRAVE
LEAP INTO THE UNKNOWN.

[ROTARY PHONE DIALING]

I HAD TO PICK UP THE
PHONE AND CALL HER.

[Ringing]

RIGHT AFTER DINNER.

-AND IF THE MOON
ORBIT IS SUCCESSFUL,

NASA OFFICIALS HOPE TO MEET
PRESIDENT KENNEDY'S CHALLENGE

TO LAND A MAN ON THE MOON
SOMETIME IN THIS DECADE.

-WELL, I HAD A
CHALLENGE OF MY OWN.

I WOULD CALL LISA
BERLINI BY 8:00 TONIGHT...

OR DIE TRYING.

-HONEY, YOU'RE
LOOKING A LITTLE PALE.

HOW'S YOUR THROAT FEEL?

-[Raspy voice] MM. PRETTY BAD.

[CLEARS THROAT]

PRETTY PAINFUL.

-YOU KNOW, MAYBE I SHOULD
TRY LOOKING AT THAT THROAT

WHEN IT'S NORMAL,
JUST FOR A COMPARISON.

-MOM?

-HMM?

-DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME
DAD CALLED YOU UP ON THE PHONE?

-UM...

[ TELEVISION CONTINUES
PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER.

-OH.

-I THINK IT WAS MACY'S.

-OH, THAT'S RIGHT... MACY'S.

I WAS WORKING AT A
TIE COUNTER AT MACY'S,

AND YOUR FATHER CALLED TO
SEE IF HE COULD RETURN A TIE.

-SO, YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HIM?

-WELL, YEAH, I KNEW HIM.

WELL, I WAS THE ONE
WHO SOLD HIM THE TIE.

I REMEMBER HOLDING IT UP TO HIM

TO SEE IF IT MATCHED HIS SHIRT.

-SO, WERE YOU
HOPING HE'D CALL YOU?

-HOPING?

NO.

I JUST SOLD HIM THE TIE,

AND I FIGURED THAT
WAS PRETTY MUCH IT.

-OH.

[HEART BEATING]

-WELL, THIS WAS IT,
T-MINUS 19 AND COUNTING.

I COULD JUST PICK UP THAT
PHONE AND CALL HER ANY TIME NOW.

-NORMA!

WHERE'S OUR DAMN CHECKBOOK?

-IT'S IN THE DRAWER!

-NO, IT'S NOT. I LOOKED.

- DAD?
- HMM?

OH. THANKS.

NEVER MIND.

-UM, DAD?

-HMM?

-I WAS JUST GONNA USE THE PHONE.

-SO USE IT.

-WELL, I WAS KIND OF
HOPING FOR A LITTLE PRIVACY.

-WHAT DO YOU NEED PRIVACY FOR?

-DAD?

-HMM?

-I'M CALLING ABOUT
RETURNING A TIE.

-AS HE LOOKED AT ME,

I KNEW WE BOTH SENSED
THE CYCLE OF FAMILY HISTORY

POIGNANTLY REPEATING ITSELF.

-SINCE WHEN DO YOU WEAR TIES?

DON'T TOUCH MY PENS.

[FOOTSTEPS DEPART]

[HEART BEATING]

-WELL, THIS WAS REALLY IT.

HI. THIS IS KEVIN.

[HEART BEATING]

[Deep voice] HI. THIS IS KEVIN.

[Normal voice]
HI. THIS IS KEVIN.

JUST DO IT!

DO IT NOW.

[Dial tone]

[Ringing]

[HEART RATE INCREASES]

HI.

THIS IS KEVIN.

HOW ARE YOU?

-UH, FINE. WHAT'S UP?
[HEARTBEAT STOPS]

-Um, nothing.

I JUST WANTED TO SEE
HOW YOUR DAY WAS.

-OH. IT WAS FINE.

-SO...

WHAT HAPPENED IN MATH?

-UH... NOTHING.

-DID YOU DO ANYTHING
GOOD IN GYM?

-MM, NO, NOT REALLY.

-NOTHING?

-NO, NOT REALLY.

-FOR GOD'S SAKE, PAUL!
YOUR LIFE IS SO BORING!

IT'S REALLY DEPRESSING!

[Dial tone]
- HELLO? HELLO?

[HEARTBEAT RESUMES]

-WELL, SOMETHING
DEEP INSIDE ME TOLD ME

THIS WAS REALLY, REALLY IT.

IT WASN'T THE WAY EVERY
MUSCLE IN MY BODY TIGHTENED,

ALTHOUGH IT DID.

AND IT WASN'T THE WAY

EVERY NERVE ENDING
IN MY BODY TINGLED,

ALTHOUGH IT DID.

NO, IT WAS THE WAY EVERY PIECE
OF FOOD I HAD EATEN FOR DINNER

SUDDENLY WENT INTO A
SPIN-CYCLE IN MY STOMACH.

[HEART RATE INCREASES]

[RINGS]
- AAH!

H-HELLO?

YEAH, JEFF, JUST A MINUTE.

WAYNE!

WAYNE!

IT'S JEFF, BUT COULD YOU
KIND OF KEEP IT SHORT?

'CAUSE I GOT TO, YOU
KNOW, USE THE PHONE.

-I'LL BE OFF WHEN
I'M OFF, SCROTE.

THIS HAPPENS TO BE A
VERY IMPORTANT PHONE CALL.

YO, BUTTFACE.

YEAH, HOW YOU DOING?

SEE THE WAY I NAILED
JIMMY ON THE BUS TODAY?

-WAYNE'S IDEA OF
AN IMPORTANT CALL

WAS OBVIOUSLY A LITTLE
DIFFERENT FROM MINE...

OR ANY HUMAN BEING'S,
FOR THAT MATTER.

-WAYNE, CAN THIS WAIT?

-NO, IN A MINUTE.

OH, YEAH.

OH, GOD, HE'S A REAL WEEDER.

I THINK WE SHOULD
ALL TIE HIM UP AND, UH...

YEAH, ALL RIGHT, TALK
TO YOU TOMORROW.

ALL YOURS, SCROTE.

-OH. NO, NO. PLEASE, NO.

WHY DIDN'T I CALL BEFORE? WHY?

MAYBE HE WAS JUST GONNA
ASK IF I WANTED THE DOOR SHUT.

-WHO YOU CALLING, SCROTE?

-NO ONE.

-BEEN WAITING KIND OF A LONG
TIME TO BE CALLING NO ONE, PAL.

-LEAVE ME ALONE, WAYNE.

-COULD IT BE...

A GIRL?

-LEAVE ME ALONE!

-LET'S SEE. WHO COULD IT BE?

-NO ONE! NOW GET OUT!

- COULD IT BE DEBBIE ACKERMAN?
- GET OUT!

- KATIE OSBORNE?
- QUIT IT!

-WELL, THE NUMBER'S GOT
TO BE HERE SOMEWHERE.

- GIVE... GIVE ME IT!
- JUST... GIVE IT UP! JUST...

UNH-UNH-UNH.

THANK YOU.

OH, LISA.

DO WE KNOW ANY LISAS?

-THAT'S NOT EVEN IT.

-OH.

SO, YOU WON'T MIND
IF I CALL HER, THEN,

WILL YOU, PAL, HUH?

-NOT AT ALL.

-ALL RIGHT.

-NO!!

GIVE ME IT, PLEASE,
WAYNE! OH, GOD, NO!

[Ringing] PLEASE! PLEASE!

OH, PLEASE! GIVE...

- IT'S RINGING.
- OH, GOD, NO!

PLEASE! OH!

-HEY, WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON IN THERE?

-AAH! NOTHING.

-WAYNE, GET OUT OF
HERE AND LEAVE HIM ALONE.

NOW!

-Butthead.

-[SIGHS]

-WELL, I STILL HAD ONE
MINUTE BEFORE 8:00.

IF I HAD A SHRED OF MANHOOD
IN ME, I WOULD CALL HER NOW.

[HEART BEATING]

T-MINUS 7, 6, 5, 4, 3...

2, 1.

[Ringing]

[HEART RATE INCREASES]

-HELLO?
[HEARTBEAT STOPS]

THIS IS LISA.

KEVIN WHO?

KEVIN ARNOLD?

WHO'S KEVIN ARNOLD?

OH, HI, KEVIN.

HEY, YOU GUYS. YOU'VE
GOT TO HEAR THIS.

I'M FINE, KEVIN. HOW ARE YOU?

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

YOU DON'T SAY.

[GIGGLES]

[LAUGHTER]

[Ringing]

-WE'RE HERE LIVE AT
THE LISA BERLINI HOUSE

WHERE LISA IS TALKING
TO KEVIN ARNOLD

ON THE TELEPHONE.

JIM, MAYBE YOU HAVE AN ANSWER

TO THE QUESTION WE'VE
BEEN WONDERING ABOUT.

WHY WOULD KEVIN CALL LISA

WHEN IT'S SO OBVIOUS SHE
THINKS HE'S A TOTAL JERK?

-I REALLY DON'T KNOW, FRANK,

BUT IF WE PUT OUR MICROPHONE
UP CLOSE TO THE PHONE,

WE CAN ACTUALLY
LISTEN IN ON THE CALL,

ALTHOUGH I DON'T KNOW IF OUR
AUDIENCE WILL BE ABLE TO HEAR

ABOVE ALL THIS LAUGHING.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

[Ringing]

-8:00 HAD COME AND GONE.

I GUESS...

I JUST COULDN'T DO IT.

-KEVIN!

KEVIN, HONEY, YOU
SHOULD BE WATCHING THIS!

- SEE FROM 180,000
MILES OUT IN SPACE.

-MIKE, WHAT I KEEP IMAGINING IS,

IF I'M SOME LONELY TRAVELER
FROM ANOTHER PLANET,

WHAT DO I THINK ABOUT THE
EARTH FROM THIS ALTITUDE?

-FOR THE FIRST TIME
EVER SEEN BY HUMAN EYES,

THE PLANET EARTH
RISING OVER THE MOON.

-WELL, I'M JUST
KIND OF CURIOUS...

-SORT OF PUTS THINGS

IN PERSPECTIVE,
DOESN'T IT, FRANK?

TO THINK THAT THERE ON
THAT LOVELY, GLOWING ORB,

WARS ARE BEING
FOUGHT, STORMS RAGING,

PEOPLE ARE BEING
BORN, PEOPLE DYING,

ALL OUR HUMAN CONFLICT,
OUR PASSION, OUR PAIN,

BEING CARRIED ON BENEATH
THAT VEIL OF CLOUDED BLUE.

- AND DOWN TO CHILE.

-AND SUDDENLY I GOT
THIS FUNNY FEELING.

MAYBE I WAS BLOWING THIS
WHOLE THING OUT OF PROPORTION.

I MEAN, LISA WASN'T
GONNA LAUGH AT ME.

AND ANYWAY, WHAT IF SHE DID?

DID IT REALLY MATTER?

-AND NOW THIS.

-♪ OH, FAB, THEY PUT
REAL BORAX IN YOU ♪

♪ OH, FAB... ♪

-AND THAT'S WHEN I
KNEW WHAT I HAD TO DO.

I JUST HAD TO PICK UP
THE PHONE AND CALL HER.

-LISA?

HI. THIS IS KEVIN,
FROM HOMEROOM.

YEAH.

RIGHT, THE LITTLE GUY.

OH.

UH, I HAD A SORE THROAT.

NAH, IT'S NOT TOO BAD.

I'LL PROBABLY COME BACK
TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.

MRS. RITVO?

YEAH, SHE'S SO WEIRD.

[CHUCKLES]
- ♪ AHH-AHH-AHH-AHH ♪