The Wonder Years (1988–1993): Season 1, Episode 2 - Swingers - full transcript
As Winnie Cooper deals with the passing of her brother Brian, Kevin and Paul contend with the ups and downs of sex education. Feeling that Coach Cutlip isn't teaching them what they need to know, Kevin and Paul try to get their hands on a copy of the book "Everything you wanted to know about sex, but were afraid to ask."
-♪ WHAT WOULD YOU DO
IF I SANG OUT OF TUNE? ♪
♪ WOULD YOU STAND UP
AND WALK OUT ON ME? ♪
♪ LEND ME YOUR EARS,
AND I'LL SING YOU A SONG ♪
♪ I WILL TRY NOT TO
SING OUT OF KEY, YEAH ♪
♪ OH, BABY, I GET BY ♪
- ♪ BY WITH A LITTLE HELP
FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ ALL I NEED IS MY BUDDIES ♪
-♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ I'M SAYIN' I'M GONNA GET HIGHER ♪ - ♪
TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
- ♪ WHOA-OA-OA-OA, YEAH ♪
- ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪
-♪ THERE'S SOMETHING
HAPPENING HERE ♪
♪ WHAT IT IS AIN'T
EXACTLY CLEAR ♪
♪ THERE'S A MAN WITH
A GUN OVER THERE ♪
♪ TELLING ME I GOT TO BEWARE ♪
♪ I THINK IT'S TIME
WE STOP, CHILDREN ♪
♪ WHAT'S THAT SOUND? ♪
♪ EVERYBODY, LOOK
WHAT'S GOING DOWN ♪
-WE LIVE IN CONFUSING TIMES...
TIMES OF CHANGE...
AND OF DISAGREEMENT.
THERE ARE THOSE WHO WILL SAY
THAT BRIAN COOPER WAS A MAN
WHO DIED DEFENDING HIS COUNTRY.
AND THERE ARE THOSE WHO WILL SAY
THAT HE WAS A CHILD
WHO DIED IN VAIN.
-BRIAN COOPER WAS THE
FIRST PERSON I EVER KNEW
WHO WASN'T OLD WHO DIED.
I GUESS WE ALL HAVE THAT
MOMENT WHERE WE REALIZE
THAT EVEN SOMEBODY
WHO'S BASICALLY A KID
CAN CEASE TO EXIST,
AND WE'RE NEVER
THE SAME AFTER THAT.
-WE MUST HAVE FAITH THAT NONE
OF GOD'S CHILDREN DIE IN VAIN.
-BUT IT WASN'T JUST BRIAN'S
DEATH THAT HAD CHANGED ME.
IT WAS ALSO BRIAN'S SISTER.
I HADN'T SEEN WINNIE SINCE THE
NIGHT WE KISSED IN THE WOODS,
BUT I HADN'T BEEN ABLE TO
THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.
-BUT THROUGH ALL THE CHANGE,
THERE IS ONE THING THAT
REMAINS CONSTANT AND ETERNAL
AND CAN NEVER DIE,
AND THAT IS THE HUMAN SOUL.
-OH, NO! THE JELL-O
SALAD ISN'T SET!
HERE, KEVIN.
YOU TAKE THE HAM.
-LIKE WOMEN ALL OVER AMERICA,
MY MOTHER CONFRONTED
TRAGEDY AND DEATH
WITH COLD HAM AND JELL-O SALAD.
-THE LITTLE MARSHMALLOWS
ARE JUST SWIMMING IN THERE.
-COME ON, NORMA. LET'S JUST GO.
-LET ME PUT SOME ICE CUBES IN.
IT'LL TAKE FIVE MINUTES.
-YOU GOT THE HAM.
YOU DON'T NEED TO
BRING THE JELL-O, TOO.
-FIVE MINUTES... JUST
GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES.
-THE REST OF US HAD OTHER
WAYS OF DEALING WITH OUR GRIEF.
BUT I, FOR ONE, WAS A WRECK.
I WOULD THINK ABOUT BRIAN,
AND I'D FEEL ALMOST
SICK TO MY STOMACH.
THEN I WOULD THINK ABOUT WINNIE,
AND A THRILL WOULD PASS
THROUGH MY 12-YEAR-OLD BODY
LIKE THE WIND THROUGH THE TREES.
LIFE'S TWO GREATEST
FORCES, LOVE AND DEATH,
WERE TEARING ME APART...
AT THE WAIST.
-COME ON, MOM! LET'S GO!
-HERE I WAS AT BRIAN'S FUNERAL,
AND WINNIE WAS
NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.
I FELT SORT OF WEIRD, THOUGH.
I MEAN, WHAT WAS I
GONNA DO IF I SAW HER...
ASK HER TO DANCE?
-KEVIN, TAKE THIS
PLATE OF FOOD OVER
AND TRY AND GET
WINNIE TO EAT SOMETHING.
SHE REALLY NEEDS HER OLD
FRIENDS RIGHT NOW. GO ON.
-HI.
-HI.
-HI.
MY MOM WANTED ME
TO GIVE THIS TO YOU.
-THANKS.
I'M NOT REALLY THAT HUNGRY.
-YEAH, YOU SHOULD EAT, THOUGH...
SOMETHING.
-WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
I WAS SO CONFUSED.
SHE WAS SO CLOSE, I-I
WANTED TO GRAB HER,
TAKE HER IN MY ARMS,
FEEL HER 72-POUND
BODY NEXT TO MINE.
-TRY THE HAM.
-OKAY.
-OH, GOD, I WAS AN ANIMAL.
WATCHING HER EAT THE HAM,
I FELT, "HOW COULD I BE
HAVING THESE FEELINGS?"
DID IT SHOW? COULD
PEOPLE SEE THROUGH ME?
WHAT WOULD BRIAN THINK?
-SO!
YOU'RE AT MY FUNERAL,
AND ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT
IS JUMPIN' MY LITTLE SISTER.
-OF COURSE, HE WOULD
THINK I WAS SCUM.
YOU'RE A MAN AFTER MY OWN HEART.
-WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S RIGHT.
BRIAN WASN'T LIKE THAT.
-BUT, KEV, KEV, KEV, NOT NOW.
JUST GIVE HER A LITTLE TIME.
-THE FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM.
-AMONG THE MANY GREAT
HISTORICAL MILESTONES OF 1968,
PERHAPS THE GREATEST
WAS THE ADVENT
OF SEX EDUCATION IN THE SCHOOLS.
-NOW, IF I HEAR ANY GIGGLING,
IF I SEE ANY SMIRKING,
THIS CLASS IS OVER.
DO YOU READ ME, PEOPLE?
OVER.
NOW...
THE FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE
ORGANS LOOK LIKE THIS.
-All right!
-UNFORTUNATELY, IT LOOKED
MORE LIKE A COW'S HEAD TO ME.
-NOW...
WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT THESE ARE?
YES?
-THE EARS?
-APPARENTLY, I WASN'T ALONE.
-THE...
OVARIES.
THE EARS WOULD BE...
UP HERE.
-UH, WH-WHY DON'T YOU
DRAW THE WHOLE LADY
S-SO WE KNOW WHERE
EVERYTHING GOES?
- YEAH, THE WHOLE LADY.
- YEAH, THE WHOLE LADY.
-ALL RIGHT.
-My gosh.
I can't believe
he's gonna draw it.
-SUDDENLY, IT BECAME VERY CLEAR
WHY MR. CUTLIP HAD
NEVER BEEN MARRIED.
ANY MAN WHO SAW WOMEN THAT
WAY WOULD HAVE NO REASON TO.
-NOW...
THE OVARIES, OF COURSE,
ARE THE SITE OF OVULATION.
-AS MR. CUTLIP WENT ON,
ONE FACT BECAME
INCREASINGLY EVIDENT.
SEX, IN THE HANDS
OF PUBLIC EDUCATORS,
IS NOT A PRETTY THING.
-"OVA" IS ACTUALLY
PLURAL OF "OVUM."
OF APPROXIMATELY 28 DAYS.
AND THAT, IN A NUTSHELL,
IS THE STORY OF OVULATION.
QUESTIONS?
YES.
-WHEN DO WE START FOOTBALL?
-ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO HAND
OUT YOUR TEXTBOOKS NOW...
"HEALTH AND HUMAN SEXUALITY."
-Textbooks?!
-FOR WEDNESDAY, PEOPLE,
YOU WILL READ CHAPTERS 1 AND 2.
DO NOT READ AHEAD.
REPEAT...
DO NOT... READ... AHEAD.
-CHAPTER 14... THE HUMAN
REPRODUCTIVE CYCLE.
-LET ME SEE IT. HEY! COME ON!
-TELLING US NOT TO READ AHEAD
WAS LIKE TELLING
A PACK OF WOLVES
TO STAY AWAY FROM RED MEAT.
-WHAT'S THE MATTER,
ARNOLD? YOU HORNY?
-YEAH, I THINK ARNOLD'S HORNY!
-YEAH, I THINK ARNOLD'S HORNY!
- UH-OH, ARNOLD.
- SHUT UP, YOU GUYS.
- OH, MY GOD!
- WOW!
- WHOA!
- OH, MY GOD!
-HI.
-HI.
-HI.
-WHATCHA DOING?
-NOTHING.
-OH.
-WHEN ARE YOU COMING
BACK TO SCHOOL?
-MONDAY.
-OH.
-BUT MAYBE WE COULD
DO SOMETHING TOMORROW.
I MEAN, IF YOU WANT.
-YEAH. I MEAN, SURE.
IF YOU WANT.
-WELL, I'M GOING TO MY
UNCLE'S IN THE MORNING,
BUT I'LL BE BACK AROUND 3:00.
-COME ON, KEV! LET'S GO!
-OKAY, WELL, BYE.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
-OKAY, BYE.
-BYE.
-♪ YOUNG GIRL ♪
♪ GET OUT OF MY MIND ♪
-"AND THUSLY, A WOMAN'S
ANATOMICAL CONSTRUCTION
IS FANTASTICALLY ADAPTIVE
TO THE NEEDS OF A..."
WHAT'S THAT WORD?
- "BURGEONING."
-"...TO THE NEEDS OF A...
BURGEONING HUMAN LIFE."
THIS STUFF'S NOT THAT GOOD.
-WELL, WE COULD
LOOK UP "BURGEONING."
-BUT WE HAD ALREADY
LOOKED UP "PRENATAL"
AND "AMNIOTIC FLUID,"
AND IT WAS CLEAR WE WERE
BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE.
-OH, WORKING ON YOUR
SEX EDUCATION, I SEE.
I'M NOT SURE YOU BOYS
ARE OLD ENOUGH FOR THIS.
-GIVE IT BACK, WAYNE.
-LET'S SEE.
HUH.
PRETTY HOT STUFF.
YOU KNOW, I BET THE
GUYS WHO WROTE THIS BOOK
HAVE NEVER EVEN
BEEN TO SECOND BASE.
-WELL, WHAT'S THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
-YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT SECOND BASE IS?
-OF COURSE WE KNOW
WHAT SECOND BASE IS.
SORT OF.
-♪ YOU'RE MUCH TOO YOUNG, GIRL ♪
-ALL RIGHT...
-AND WITH AN AIR OF
CONFIDENT AUTHORITY
THAT ONLY AN IDIOT OR AN
OLDER BROTHER CAN HAVE,
WAYNE PROCEEDED TO
ELABORATE A BASEBALL METAPHOR
THAT CHANGED THE WAY WE
LOOKED AT WOMEN... AND BASEBALL...
FOREVER.
-AND I'M TELLING YOU,
EVERYBODY GETS TO
AT LEAST SECOND BASE
BY THE 7th GRADE.
-THIS WAS A LOT OF PRESSURE,
ESPECIALLY SINCE MOST
OF THE GIRLS WE KNEW
HAD NO SECOND BASES.
-LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
YOU GUYS SHOULD DO.
YOU SHOULD GET A REAL BOOK.
-A REAL BOOK?
-YEAH, YOU SHOULD GET
"EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO
KNOW ABOUT SEX BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK."
-THERE'S A BOOK CALLED THAT?
-WELL, SURE, IT
WAS A BESTSELLER.
JUST GO TO A BOOKSTORE.
-WELL...
HAVE YOU READ IT?
NO. I DON'T HAVE TO.
THE GREAT ONES GO ON INSTINCT.
-UH... UH, YEAH. YEAH, INSTINCT.
- INSTINCT.
- I GO ON INSTINCT, TOO.
- I GO ON INSTINCT, TOO.
- YEAH.
-INSTINCTIVELY, WE
WENT TO THE BOOKSTORE
FIRST THING THE NEXT MORNING.
-HOLY MACKEREL!
YOU IDIOT!
-WHAT? THAT WAS
IT. DIDN'T YOU SEE IT?
-OF COURSE I SAW IT,
BUT YOU CAN'T JUST
RUN IN AND GRAB ONE.
-WHY NOT?
-WHY NOT?
BECAUSE HE'LL THINK WE'RE
PERVERTS. THAT'S WHY NOT.
-WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
-WE GOT TO LOOK AROUND,
GET SOME OTHER STUFF...
CLEAN STUFF.
AH, HERE. THIS LOOKS GOOD.
- "IVANHOE"?
-HERE. LET'S GET ONE OF
THESE "WAR AND PEACEs," TOO.
-OKAY.
-RIGHT. NOW WE GET THE SEX BOOK.
ALL RIGHT, NOW PUT
IT ON THE BOTTOM,
AND THE GUY WILL NEVER
EVEN NOTICE WHAT IT IS.
MAYBE.
IT'S A LADY!
FORGET IT. WE GOT TO
GO. LET'S PUT THESE BACK.
-NO.
-I'D KNOWN PAUL SINCE
HE WAS 36 HOURS OLD,
AND NEVER BEFORE HAD I SEEN
THAT KIND OF FIRE IN HIS EYES.
-BUY THOSE BOOKS AND ACT CASUAL.
-WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?!
-THIS WAS GOING TOO FAR. I
WAS A PERVERT, NOT A FELON.
-KEVIN, IT'S "EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS
WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX"... EVERYTHING.
-I'D LIKE TO BUY THESE.
-IT'S PRETTY ADVANCED
READING FOR A BOY YOUR AGE.
-THANKS.
-OKAY.
IT'LL BE $7.95.
-THANKS. BYE!
-HEY, THERE'S $20 HERE!
-IT WAS ABOUT 2 MILES FROM
THE BOOKSTORE TO MY HOUSE.
WE MADE IT IN JUST
UNDER FOUR SECONDS.
-COME ON. TAKE IT OUT!
-KEVIN! LUNCH!
-OH, NO!
-UH, MAYBE I SHOULD STAY
HERE... TO WATCH THE BOOK.
-PAUL!
-KEVIN, SLOW DOWN. YOU'RE
GONNA MAKE YOURSELF SICK.
-YOU DONE YET?
-PAUL!
YOU JUST LEFT.
YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY
HAVE GONE ALL THE WAY HOME.
-I COULDN'T?
-MOM, CAN I BE EXCUSED?
-NO, YOU MAY NOT BE EXCUSED.
NOW, JUST SIT DOWN
AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH.
DON'T FORGET... IT'S YOUR
DAY TO DO THE DISHES.
-WE HAD ABOUT 50 DISHES.
WE DID THEM IN JUST
UNDER FOUR SECONDS.
-IT'S GONE!
-IT'S GONE.
-OH, MY GOD!
MY PARENTS!
NO, WAIT... WE'D STOLEN IT.
OF COURSE... THE PRETTY LADY.
THE POLICE!
-HMM!
-WAYNE.
OH, LOOKING FOR THIS?
- GIVE ME THAT, YOU JERK!
- I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE TO
PREVIEW THIS FOR YOU BOYS.
-I THOUGHT YOU
DIDN'T NEED IT, WAYNE.
-YEAH, GIVE IT BACK! WE GOT IT!
-OH, NOW, I BET
YOU'D LIKE TO TRY THIS
WITH YOUR LITTLE
GIRLFRIEND, "WIN-NAY."
-SHUT UP, WAYNE.
-OR THIS! NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
I THINK WINNIE KIND
OF MIGHT LIKE THIS ONE.
-SHUT UP, WAYNE!
-HOW FAR ARE YOU
GONNA GO WITH HER, KEV?
GONNA TRY FOR A
HOME RUN, PAL, HUH?
-NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
N-NOW, THIS ONE
LOOKS LIKE A LOT OF FUN.
WHY DON'T I READ IT TO YOU?
- IT'S HARD TO KNOW
JUST HOW IT HAPPENED...
- STUPID!
I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU IDIOT!
- BUT SUDDENLY,
AT THAT MOMENT,
WITH AN INTENSITY THAT
NO ONE IN THAT ROOM...
- OH, GOD! I'M GONNA
SMASH YOUR FACE!
IT'S GONNA BE UGLIER THAN EVEN NOW!
- HAD PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT POSSIBLE,
12 1/2 YEARS
OF PENT-UP, IMPOTENT RAGE...
- OH, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
- BECAME POTENT.
- SORT OF.
- UGH!
-WAYNE STILL OUTWEIGHED
ME BY A GOOD 30 POUNDS.
-WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!
OW! OHH!
- COME HERE, YOU...
-WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?!
OH, MY GOD.
UM, PAUL, I THINK YOU
BETTER GO HOME NOW.
-WELL, YOU GOT TO GIVE
PAUL CREDIT FOR TRYING.
-WHAT ARE YOU BOYS
DOING WITH THIS BOOK?
-DON'T ASK ME. KEVIN GOT IT.
-KEVIN?
IS THAT TRUE?
YES.
-WAYNE, GO OUTSIDE.
-KIDS. I KNOW.
-KEVIN!
-I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!
-AT THAT MOMENT, I FELT LIKE
THE LOWEST THING ON EARTH.
I WAS A PERVERT,
A THIEF, A SNEAK.
I'D ALWAYS BEEN HER
SWEET, INNOCENT LITTLE BOY,
BUT AT THAT MOMENT,
MY MOTHER COULDN'T EVEN
BEAR TO LOOK ME IN THE EYE.
-IT'S NOT SO MUCH...
YOUR READING THIS BOOK...
BUT WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN
MY DRESSER DRAWERS, ANYWAY?!
-I GUESS MY MOTHER FIGURED
OUT HER MISTAKE PRETTY QUICKLY,
BECAUSE I NEVER HEARD
FROM EITHER OF MY PARENTS
ON THAT TOPIC AGAIN.
WE SEEMED TO HAVE A
TACIT UNDERSTANDING
THAT THEY WOULDN'T
MENTION MY BOOK
IF I WOULDN'T MENTION THEIRS.
WHEN WINNIE GOT
BACK FROM HER UNCLE'S,
WE WENT FOR A WALK IN THE PARK.
NEITHER OF US SAID A
WORD ABOUT IT, OF COURSE,
BUT WE BOTH KNEW THAT THE PARK
WAS WHERE YOU WENT TO MAKE OUT.
AS WE APPROACHED
THE BASEBALL FIELD,
I STARTED TO SWEAT.
NEARING FIRST BASE...
SECOND BASE...
THIRD.
-LET'S CUT ACROSS THE OUTFIELD.
-OKAY.
-I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
OUR FIRST KISS HAD
HAPPENED SO NATURALLY,
I COULDN'T EVEN
REMEMBER HOW I DID IT.
DID I... DID I BREATHE THROUGH
MY MOUTH OR MY NOSE?
WELL, I HAD TO MAKE
SOME KIND OF MOVE.
-THERE WAS A BUG ON YOU.
-OH.
THANKS.
-SOME MOVE.
WELL, THERE WAS NO
TURNING BACK NOW.
WE WERE HERE.
-SO...
WH-WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
-I DON'T KNOW. WHAT
DO YOU WANT TO DO?
-I-I DON'T KNOW. WHAT
DO YOU WANT TO DO?
-I DON'T KNOW.
-♪ IF YOU WANT ♪
♪ SOMETHING TO PLAY WITH ♪
♪ GO AND FIND YOURSELF A TOY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE, BABY, MY
TIME IS TOO EXPENSIVE ♪
♪ AND I'M NOT A LITTLE BOY ♪
♪ NO, OH ♪
-THE MOMENT STRETCHED
OUT SO UNBEARABLY,
I THOUGHT WE'D BOTH EXPLODE.
IT WAS CLEAR WE
WERE BOTH STALLING.
-♪ YOU ARE SERIOUS, GIRL ♪
-WE KNEW WHAT WE
WERE HERE TO DO.
WE BOTH WANTED IT.
ONE OF US JUST HAD
TO COME OUT AND SAY IT.
-♪ YOU KNOW, LIFE IS TOO SHORT ♪
-DO YOU WANT TO
GO ON THE SWINGS?
-♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
-YEAH, SURE.
-♪ YOU MAY BE HERE TODAY ♪
-AND IN THE END,
THAT'S AS FAR AS WINNIE
AND I WENT THAT DAY.
MAYBE WE BOTH FELT WE'D
ALREADY COME TOO FAR TOO FAST.
MAYBE WE BOTH REALIZED
THAT GROWING UP DOESN'T HAVE
TO BE SO MUCH A STRAIGHT LINE
AS A SERIES OF
ADVANCES AND RETREATS.
MAYBE WE JUST
FELT LIKE SWINGING.
BUT WHATEVER IT WAS,
WINNIE AND I MADE AN
UNSPOKEN PACT THAT DAY
TO STAY KIDS FOR A
LITTLE WHILE LONGER.
-♪ TELL IT LIKE IT IS ♪
♪ DON'T BE ASHAMED ♪
♪ LET YOUR CONSCIENCE
BE YOUR GUIDE ♪
♪ BUT I... ♪
IF I SANG OUT OF TUNE? ♪
♪ WOULD YOU STAND UP
AND WALK OUT ON ME? ♪
♪ LEND ME YOUR EARS,
AND I'LL SING YOU A SONG ♪
♪ I WILL TRY NOT TO
SING OUT OF KEY, YEAH ♪
♪ OH, BABY, I GET BY ♪
- ♪ BY WITH A LITTLE HELP
FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ ALL I NEED IS MY BUDDIES ♪
-♪ HIGH WITH A LITTLE
HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
-♪ I'M SAYIN' I'M GONNA GET HIGHER ♪ - ♪
TRY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS ♪
- ♪ WHOA-OA-OA-OA, YEAH ♪
- ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪
-♪ THERE'S SOMETHING
HAPPENING HERE ♪
♪ WHAT IT IS AIN'T
EXACTLY CLEAR ♪
♪ THERE'S A MAN WITH
A GUN OVER THERE ♪
♪ TELLING ME I GOT TO BEWARE ♪
♪ I THINK IT'S TIME
WE STOP, CHILDREN ♪
♪ WHAT'S THAT SOUND? ♪
♪ EVERYBODY, LOOK
WHAT'S GOING DOWN ♪
-WE LIVE IN CONFUSING TIMES...
TIMES OF CHANGE...
AND OF DISAGREEMENT.
THERE ARE THOSE WHO WILL SAY
THAT BRIAN COOPER WAS A MAN
WHO DIED DEFENDING HIS COUNTRY.
AND THERE ARE THOSE WHO WILL SAY
THAT HE WAS A CHILD
WHO DIED IN VAIN.
-BRIAN COOPER WAS THE
FIRST PERSON I EVER KNEW
WHO WASN'T OLD WHO DIED.
I GUESS WE ALL HAVE THAT
MOMENT WHERE WE REALIZE
THAT EVEN SOMEBODY
WHO'S BASICALLY A KID
CAN CEASE TO EXIST,
AND WE'RE NEVER
THE SAME AFTER THAT.
-WE MUST HAVE FAITH THAT NONE
OF GOD'S CHILDREN DIE IN VAIN.
-BUT IT WASN'T JUST BRIAN'S
DEATH THAT HAD CHANGED ME.
IT WAS ALSO BRIAN'S SISTER.
I HADN'T SEEN WINNIE SINCE THE
NIGHT WE KISSED IN THE WOODS,
BUT I HADN'T BEEN ABLE TO
THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.
-BUT THROUGH ALL THE CHANGE,
THERE IS ONE THING THAT
REMAINS CONSTANT AND ETERNAL
AND CAN NEVER DIE,
AND THAT IS THE HUMAN SOUL.
-OH, NO! THE JELL-O
SALAD ISN'T SET!
HERE, KEVIN.
YOU TAKE THE HAM.
-LIKE WOMEN ALL OVER AMERICA,
MY MOTHER CONFRONTED
TRAGEDY AND DEATH
WITH COLD HAM AND JELL-O SALAD.
-THE LITTLE MARSHMALLOWS
ARE JUST SWIMMING IN THERE.
-COME ON, NORMA. LET'S JUST GO.
-LET ME PUT SOME ICE CUBES IN.
IT'LL TAKE FIVE MINUTES.
-YOU GOT THE HAM.
YOU DON'T NEED TO
BRING THE JELL-O, TOO.
-FIVE MINUTES... JUST
GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES.
-THE REST OF US HAD OTHER
WAYS OF DEALING WITH OUR GRIEF.
BUT I, FOR ONE, WAS A WRECK.
I WOULD THINK ABOUT BRIAN,
AND I'D FEEL ALMOST
SICK TO MY STOMACH.
THEN I WOULD THINK ABOUT WINNIE,
AND A THRILL WOULD PASS
THROUGH MY 12-YEAR-OLD BODY
LIKE THE WIND THROUGH THE TREES.
LIFE'S TWO GREATEST
FORCES, LOVE AND DEATH,
WERE TEARING ME APART...
AT THE WAIST.
-COME ON, MOM! LET'S GO!
-HERE I WAS AT BRIAN'S FUNERAL,
AND WINNIE WAS
NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.
I FELT SORT OF WEIRD, THOUGH.
I MEAN, WHAT WAS I
GONNA DO IF I SAW HER...
ASK HER TO DANCE?
-KEVIN, TAKE THIS
PLATE OF FOOD OVER
AND TRY AND GET
WINNIE TO EAT SOMETHING.
SHE REALLY NEEDS HER OLD
FRIENDS RIGHT NOW. GO ON.
-HI.
-HI.
-HI.
MY MOM WANTED ME
TO GIVE THIS TO YOU.
-THANKS.
I'M NOT REALLY THAT HUNGRY.
-YEAH, YOU SHOULD EAT, THOUGH...
SOMETHING.
-WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
I WAS SO CONFUSED.
SHE WAS SO CLOSE, I-I
WANTED TO GRAB HER,
TAKE HER IN MY ARMS,
FEEL HER 72-POUND
BODY NEXT TO MINE.
-TRY THE HAM.
-OKAY.
-OH, GOD, I WAS AN ANIMAL.
WATCHING HER EAT THE HAM,
I FELT, "HOW COULD I BE
HAVING THESE FEELINGS?"
DID IT SHOW? COULD
PEOPLE SEE THROUGH ME?
WHAT WOULD BRIAN THINK?
-SO!
YOU'RE AT MY FUNERAL,
AND ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT
IS JUMPIN' MY LITTLE SISTER.
-OF COURSE, HE WOULD
THINK I WAS SCUM.
YOU'RE A MAN AFTER MY OWN HEART.
-WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S RIGHT.
BRIAN WASN'T LIKE THAT.
-BUT, KEV, KEV, KEV, NOT NOW.
JUST GIVE HER A LITTLE TIME.
-THE FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM.
-AMONG THE MANY GREAT
HISTORICAL MILESTONES OF 1968,
PERHAPS THE GREATEST
WAS THE ADVENT
OF SEX EDUCATION IN THE SCHOOLS.
-NOW, IF I HEAR ANY GIGGLING,
IF I SEE ANY SMIRKING,
THIS CLASS IS OVER.
DO YOU READ ME, PEOPLE?
OVER.
NOW...
THE FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE
ORGANS LOOK LIKE THIS.
-All right!
-UNFORTUNATELY, IT LOOKED
MORE LIKE A COW'S HEAD TO ME.
-NOW...
WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT THESE ARE?
YES?
-THE EARS?
-APPARENTLY, I WASN'T ALONE.
-THE...
OVARIES.
THE EARS WOULD BE...
UP HERE.
-UH, WH-WHY DON'T YOU
DRAW THE WHOLE LADY
S-SO WE KNOW WHERE
EVERYTHING GOES?
- YEAH, THE WHOLE LADY.
- YEAH, THE WHOLE LADY.
-ALL RIGHT.
-My gosh.
I can't believe
he's gonna draw it.
-SUDDENLY, IT BECAME VERY CLEAR
WHY MR. CUTLIP HAD
NEVER BEEN MARRIED.
ANY MAN WHO SAW WOMEN THAT
WAY WOULD HAVE NO REASON TO.
-NOW...
THE OVARIES, OF COURSE,
ARE THE SITE OF OVULATION.
-AS MR. CUTLIP WENT ON,
ONE FACT BECAME
INCREASINGLY EVIDENT.
SEX, IN THE HANDS
OF PUBLIC EDUCATORS,
IS NOT A PRETTY THING.
-"OVA" IS ACTUALLY
PLURAL OF "OVUM."
OF APPROXIMATELY 28 DAYS.
AND THAT, IN A NUTSHELL,
IS THE STORY OF OVULATION.
QUESTIONS?
YES.
-WHEN DO WE START FOOTBALL?
-ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO HAND
OUT YOUR TEXTBOOKS NOW...
"HEALTH AND HUMAN SEXUALITY."
-Textbooks?!
-FOR WEDNESDAY, PEOPLE,
YOU WILL READ CHAPTERS 1 AND 2.
DO NOT READ AHEAD.
REPEAT...
DO NOT... READ... AHEAD.
-CHAPTER 14... THE HUMAN
REPRODUCTIVE CYCLE.
-LET ME SEE IT. HEY! COME ON!
-TELLING US NOT TO READ AHEAD
WAS LIKE TELLING
A PACK OF WOLVES
TO STAY AWAY FROM RED MEAT.
-WHAT'S THE MATTER,
ARNOLD? YOU HORNY?
-YEAH, I THINK ARNOLD'S HORNY!
-YEAH, I THINK ARNOLD'S HORNY!
- UH-OH, ARNOLD.
- SHUT UP, YOU GUYS.
- OH, MY GOD!
- WOW!
- WHOA!
- OH, MY GOD!
-HI.
-HI.
-HI.
-WHATCHA DOING?
-NOTHING.
-OH.
-WHEN ARE YOU COMING
BACK TO SCHOOL?
-MONDAY.
-OH.
-BUT MAYBE WE COULD
DO SOMETHING TOMORROW.
I MEAN, IF YOU WANT.
-YEAH. I MEAN, SURE.
IF YOU WANT.
-WELL, I'M GOING TO MY
UNCLE'S IN THE MORNING,
BUT I'LL BE BACK AROUND 3:00.
-COME ON, KEV! LET'S GO!
-OKAY, WELL, BYE.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
-OKAY, BYE.
-BYE.
-♪ YOUNG GIRL ♪
♪ GET OUT OF MY MIND ♪
-"AND THUSLY, A WOMAN'S
ANATOMICAL CONSTRUCTION
IS FANTASTICALLY ADAPTIVE
TO THE NEEDS OF A..."
WHAT'S THAT WORD?
- "BURGEONING."
-"...TO THE NEEDS OF A...
BURGEONING HUMAN LIFE."
THIS STUFF'S NOT THAT GOOD.
-WELL, WE COULD
LOOK UP "BURGEONING."
-BUT WE HAD ALREADY
LOOKED UP "PRENATAL"
AND "AMNIOTIC FLUID,"
AND IT WAS CLEAR WE WERE
BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE.
-OH, WORKING ON YOUR
SEX EDUCATION, I SEE.
I'M NOT SURE YOU BOYS
ARE OLD ENOUGH FOR THIS.
-GIVE IT BACK, WAYNE.
-LET'S SEE.
HUH.
PRETTY HOT STUFF.
YOU KNOW, I BET THE
GUYS WHO WROTE THIS BOOK
HAVE NEVER EVEN
BEEN TO SECOND BASE.
-WELL, WHAT'S THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
-YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT SECOND BASE IS?
-OF COURSE WE KNOW
WHAT SECOND BASE IS.
SORT OF.
-♪ YOU'RE MUCH TOO YOUNG, GIRL ♪
-ALL RIGHT...
-AND WITH AN AIR OF
CONFIDENT AUTHORITY
THAT ONLY AN IDIOT OR AN
OLDER BROTHER CAN HAVE,
WAYNE PROCEEDED TO
ELABORATE A BASEBALL METAPHOR
THAT CHANGED THE WAY WE
LOOKED AT WOMEN... AND BASEBALL...
FOREVER.
-AND I'M TELLING YOU,
EVERYBODY GETS TO
AT LEAST SECOND BASE
BY THE 7th GRADE.
-THIS WAS A LOT OF PRESSURE,
ESPECIALLY SINCE MOST
OF THE GIRLS WE KNEW
HAD NO SECOND BASES.
-LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
YOU GUYS SHOULD DO.
YOU SHOULD GET A REAL BOOK.
-A REAL BOOK?
-YEAH, YOU SHOULD GET
"EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO
KNOW ABOUT SEX BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK."
-THERE'S A BOOK CALLED THAT?
-WELL, SURE, IT
WAS A BESTSELLER.
JUST GO TO A BOOKSTORE.
-WELL...
HAVE YOU READ IT?
NO. I DON'T HAVE TO.
THE GREAT ONES GO ON INSTINCT.
-UH... UH, YEAH. YEAH, INSTINCT.
- INSTINCT.
- I GO ON INSTINCT, TOO.
- I GO ON INSTINCT, TOO.
- YEAH.
-INSTINCTIVELY, WE
WENT TO THE BOOKSTORE
FIRST THING THE NEXT MORNING.
-HOLY MACKEREL!
YOU IDIOT!
-WHAT? THAT WAS
IT. DIDN'T YOU SEE IT?
-OF COURSE I SAW IT,
BUT YOU CAN'T JUST
RUN IN AND GRAB ONE.
-WHY NOT?
-WHY NOT?
BECAUSE HE'LL THINK WE'RE
PERVERTS. THAT'S WHY NOT.
-WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
-WE GOT TO LOOK AROUND,
GET SOME OTHER STUFF...
CLEAN STUFF.
AH, HERE. THIS LOOKS GOOD.
- "IVANHOE"?
-HERE. LET'S GET ONE OF
THESE "WAR AND PEACEs," TOO.
-OKAY.
-RIGHT. NOW WE GET THE SEX BOOK.
ALL RIGHT, NOW PUT
IT ON THE BOTTOM,
AND THE GUY WILL NEVER
EVEN NOTICE WHAT IT IS.
MAYBE.
IT'S A LADY!
FORGET IT. WE GOT TO
GO. LET'S PUT THESE BACK.
-NO.
-I'D KNOWN PAUL SINCE
HE WAS 36 HOURS OLD,
AND NEVER BEFORE HAD I SEEN
THAT KIND OF FIRE IN HIS EYES.
-BUY THOSE BOOKS AND ACT CASUAL.
-WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?!
-THIS WAS GOING TOO FAR. I
WAS A PERVERT, NOT A FELON.
-KEVIN, IT'S "EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS
WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX"... EVERYTHING.
-I'D LIKE TO BUY THESE.
-IT'S PRETTY ADVANCED
READING FOR A BOY YOUR AGE.
-THANKS.
-OKAY.
IT'LL BE $7.95.
-THANKS. BYE!
-HEY, THERE'S $20 HERE!
-IT WAS ABOUT 2 MILES FROM
THE BOOKSTORE TO MY HOUSE.
WE MADE IT IN JUST
UNDER FOUR SECONDS.
-COME ON. TAKE IT OUT!
-KEVIN! LUNCH!
-OH, NO!
-UH, MAYBE I SHOULD STAY
HERE... TO WATCH THE BOOK.
-PAUL!
-KEVIN, SLOW DOWN. YOU'RE
GONNA MAKE YOURSELF SICK.
-YOU DONE YET?
-PAUL!
YOU JUST LEFT.
YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY
HAVE GONE ALL THE WAY HOME.
-I COULDN'T?
-MOM, CAN I BE EXCUSED?
-NO, YOU MAY NOT BE EXCUSED.
NOW, JUST SIT DOWN
AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH.
DON'T FORGET... IT'S YOUR
DAY TO DO THE DISHES.
-WE HAD ABOUT 50 DISHES.
WE DID THEM IN JUST
UNDER FOUR SECONDS.
-IT'S GONE!
-IT'S GONE.
-OH, MY GOD!
MY PARENTS!
NO, WAIT... WE'D STOLEN IT.
OF COURSE... THE PRETTY LADY.
THE POLICE!
-HMM!
-WAYNE.
OH, LOOKING FOR THIS?
- GIVE ME THAT, YOU JERK!
- I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE TO
PREVIEW THIS FOR YOU BOYS.
-I THOUGHT YOU
DIDN'T NEED IT, WAYNE.
-YEAH, GIVE IT BACK! WE GOT IT!
-OH, NOW, I BET
YOU'D LIKE TO TRY THIS
WITH YOUR LITTLE
GIRLFRIEND, "WIN-NAY."
-SHUT UP, WAYNE.
-OR THIS! NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
I THINK WINNIE KIND
OF MIGHT LIKE THIS ONE.
-SHUT UP, WAYNE!
-HOW FAR ARE YOU
GONNA GO WITH HER, KEV?
GONNA TRY FOR A
HOME RUN, PAL, HUH?
-NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
N-NOW, THIS ONE
LOOKS LIKE A LOT OF FUN.
WHY DON'T I READ IT TO YOU?
- IT'S HARD TO KNOW
JUST HOW IT HAPPENED...
- STUPID!
I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU IDIOT!
- BUT SUDDENLY,
AT THAT MOMENT,
WITH AN INTENSITY THAT
NO ONE IN THAT ROOM...
- OH, GOD! I'M GONNA
SMASH YOUR FACE!
IT'S GONNA BE UGLIER THAN EVEN NOW!
- HAD PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT POSSIBLE,
12 1/2 YEARS
OF PENT-UP, IMPOTENT RAGE...
- OH, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
- BECAME POTENT.
- SORT OF.
- UGH!
-WAYNE STILL OUTWEIGHED
ME BY A GOOD 30 POUNDS.
-WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!
OW! OHH!
- COME HERE, YOU...
-WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?!
OH, MY GOD.
UM, PAUL, I THINK YOU
BETTER GO HOME NOW.
-WELL, YOU GOT TO GIVE
PAUL CREDIT FOR TRYING.
-WHAT ARE YOU BOYS
DOING WITH THIS BOOK?
-DON'T ASK ME. KEVIN GOT IT.
-KEVIN?
IS THAT TRUE?
YES.
-WAYNE, GO OUTSIDE.
-KIDS. I KNOW.
-KEVIN!
-I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!
-AT THAT MOMENT, I FELT LIKE
THE LOWEST THING ON EARTH.
I WAS A PERVERT,
A THIEF, A SNEAK.
I'D ALWAYS BEEN HER
SWEET, INNOCENT LITTLE BOY,
BUT AT THAT MOMENT,
MY MOTHER COULDN'T EVEN
BEAR TO LOOK ME IN THE EYE.
-IT'S NOT SO MUCH...
YOUR READING THIS BOOK...
BUT WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN
MY DRESSER DRAWERS, ANYWAY?!
-I GUESS MY MOTHER FIGURED
OUT HER MISTAKE PRETTY QUICKLY,
BECAUSE I NEVER HEARD
FROM EITHER OF MY PARENTS
ON THAT TOPIC AGAIN.
WE SEEMED TO HAVE A
TACIT UNDERSTANDING
THAT THEY WOULDN'T
MENTION MY BOOK
IF I WOULDN'T MENTION THEIRS.
WHEN WINNIE GOT
BACK FROM HER UNCLE'S,
WE WENT FOR A WALK IN THE PARK.
NEITHER OF US SAID A
WORD ABOUT IT, OF COURSE,
BUT WE BOTH KNEW THAT THE PARK
WAS WHERE YOU WENT TO MAKE OUT.
AS WE APPROACHED
THE BASEBALL FIELD,
I STARTED TO SWEAT.
NEARING FIRST BASE...
SECOND BASE...
THIRD.
-LET'S CUT ACROSS THE OUTFIELD.
-OKAY.
-I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
OUR FIRST KISS HAD
HAPPENED SO NATURALLY,
I COULDN'T EVEN
REMEMBER HOW I DID IT.
DID I... DID I BREATHE THROUGH
MY MOUTH OR MY NOSE?
WELL, I HAD TO MAKE
SOME KIND OF MOVE.
-THERE WAS A BUG ON YOU.
-OH.
THANKS.
-SOME MOVE.
WELL, THERE WAS NO
TURNING BACK NOW.
WE WERE HERE.
-SO...
WH-WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
-I DON'T KNOW. WHAT
DO YOU WANT TO DO?
-I-I DON'T KNOW. WHAT
DO YOU WANT TO DO?
-I DON'T KNOW.
-♪ IF YOU WANT ♪
♪ SOMETHING TO PLAY WITH ♪
♪ GO AND FIND YOURSELF A TOY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE, BABY, MY
TIME IS TOO EXPENSIVE ♪
♪ AND I'M NOT A LITTLE BOY ♪
♪ NO, OH ♪
-THE MOMENT STRETCHED
OUT SO UNBEARABLY,
I THOUGHT WE'D BOTH EXPLODE.
IT WAS CLEAR WE
WERE BOTH STALLING.
-♪ YOU ARE SERIOUS, GIRL ♪
-WE KNEW WHAT WE
WERE HERE TO DO.
WE BOTH WANTED IT.
ONE OF US JUST HAD
TO COME OUT AND SAY IT.
-♪ YOU KNOW, LIFE IS TOO SHORT ♪
-DO YOU WANT TO
GO ON THE SWINGS?
-♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
-YEAH, SURE.
-♪ YOU MAY BE HERE TODAY ♪
-AND IN THE END,
THAT'S AS FAR AS WINNIE
AND I WENT THAT DAY.
MAYBE WE BOTH FELT WE'D
ALREADY COME TOO FAR TOO FAST.
MAYBE WE BOTH REALIZED
THAT GROWING UP DOESN'T HAVE
TO BE SO MUCH A STRAIGHT LINE
AS A SERIES OF
ADVANCES AND RETREATS.
MAYBE WE JUST
FELT LIKE SWINGING.
BUT WHATEVER IT WAS,
WINNIE AND I MADE AN
UNSPOKEN PACT THAT DAY
TO STAY KIDS FOR A
LITTLE WHILE LONGER.
-♪ TELL IT LIKE IT IS ♪
♪ DON'T BE ASHAMED ♪
♪ LET YOUR CONSCIENCE
BE YOUR GUIDE ♪
♪ BUT I... ♪