The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 4, Episode 24 - The Night of the Plague - full transcript

( western theme playing )

Hyah!

And it's my pleasure,
so to speak,

to be selling the finest line
of headstones, caskets,

and burial urns
west of the Mississippi.

And doing a land-office
business, I might add.

Now, why is that?
Hmm? I'll tell you why.

Because the West is getting
civilized, that's why.

People are still getting
shot up oftener than not,

but nowadays, they're getting
a decent burial.

( laughs )



Driver, why are we slowing down?

Picking up
another passenger, ma'am.

Well, that's out of
the question. There's no room.

Yes, ma'am.
Hyah.

DRIVER:
Ho, whoa!

( baby cries )

What do you think
you're doing?

Those are mine.

Mm-hmm.

Well, how dare you?
I paid for two seats.

Ma'am, this really won't
hurt your luggage,

and it may do this lady
quite a bit of good.

Hi.

Howdy.



( whimsical theme playing )

( whimsical suspense theme
playing )

Right on through,
just as planned?

Yeah, just as planned, Ben.

Oh, thank you.

Whoa.

Hyah!

I won't have it, do you hear?
I simply won't have it.

Yes, ma'am,
but like I said,

no one is getting
back on that stage.

That'll be just a might delay
before the next one gets here.

Sorry.

Listen, you, you can't
talk to me like this.

Do you know who my father is?

Well, not that it's going to
make any difference, ma'am,

but go on,
tell us who your father is.

Well, my father
just happens to be the--

All right, sheriff.

Look, it's very important

that I get to Fort Cordovan
as quickly as possible.

Now, here's $500.

Now, I'll just
slip aboard the stage.

No, ma'am,
you purely won't.

Sorry.

( baby cries )

( mischievous theme playing )

DRIVER:
Hyah!

( upbeat western theme playing )

( action theme playing )

You gents have got me
dead wrong, honest.

Ask anybody. I run the squarest
faro game between here and Yuma.

MAN 1:
I don't know how that extra
ace of hearts got in there.

I swear.

Somebody must have put it
up my sleeve.

MAN2:
Come on,
let's string him up.

You're taking the life of
an innocent, upstanding citizen.

Please, be merciful.

MAN 1:
The quality of mercy's
not strained, it--

There ain't gonna be
no hangin'.

You gents move over
real peaceful-like.

Get back. Move.

I got a couple of shells here
that say

that this is gonna be done
real lawful.

MAN 1:
No good, my friend.

I've got six in mine.

( laughter )

Hey, how about we take the bags?

Just split them among
yourselves, huh?

No, we got what
we came after.

WEST:
Maybe even more
than you figured on.

Now, you tell your friends
to drop their guns.

[GUNSHOT]

Now, none of you move.

Put your hands up.

Hands up!

Why have we stopped?

What's she doing--

What are you doing?
Let go of me.

Oh no, young lady.

I've become
very attached to you.

Just stay where you are,

and we'll make a nice, peaceful
departure with no bloodshed.

Let's go.

Shame the way things turned out
after all your planning.

Things were shaping up real fine
until that female showed up.

That just makes my job
a little tougher,

that's all, Ben.

Let's go.

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNSHOT]

Forget him. Move.

He's all right.
It's just a scratch.

He's just knocked out.

Take him in and turn him over
to Artemus Gordon.

I'm going to find that gang.

Is it all right to talk
with him now, doctor?

Afraid not, Mr. Gordon.

Why, he can't still possibly be
out from just a shoulder wound.

No, your prisoner's wound
is superficial, as I told you.

Well, then when can I
speak with him?

Maybe never, I'm afraid.

I don't understand.

Take off your coat.

This is a good deal more serious
than I thought, isn't it?

Noguri's syndrome.
Does that mean anything to you?

Not very much.

It's some kind of
an Asian disease...

Very deadly, very rare,

very much confined to Asia,
I always thought.

We all did...

until we finally diagnosed
what was really wrong

with your prisoner.

It's unbelievably contagious.

And it's communicable,

after a 3 to 5-day
incubation period.

Anyone who has had
any contact with a carrier,

has to be inoculated
within that period of time.

Or?

You're next.

Or?

Or it's too late.

Now, you've been protected,
but of course, Mr. West hasn't.

Get him in here right away,
because if he's not inoculated

within the right
period of time--

I don't even know
if I can find him in time,

let alone get him in here
for an inoculation.

How much time do I have
to get the serum to him?

Dating from today, he has
at least until the 15th.

At the outside, the 17th,

before he would start feeling
the classic symptoms:

nausea, dizziness,
blurred vision, and then...

MAN:
Dead?

Dead.

For a ducat...

dead!

Oh, my offense is rank.
It smells to heaven.

Put the primal elder's
curse upon it.

Oh, brothers--

( dramatic theme playing )

( western theme playing )

But in addition,
Jim and the girl,

not to mention the rest
of the gang,

have undoubtedly been infected

by this galloping disease
by now,

whatever the name of it is.

Noguri's syndrome,
Asia's finest.

I've got less than three days

to get to them
with that information.

Well...

what are you
going to do about it?

Nothing at the moment,
colonel, because it'll do me

no good at all to go
galloping off after them

without some idea
where they might be.

Until Washington sends me some
information I've requested,

I can't move.

I realize you have
your problems,

but this situation
also poses a few for me,

as territorial
banking commissioner.

Well, at the moment, Mr. Guild,
I'm a little more worried

about Mr. West's safety than
I am about the missing money.

Granted, Colonel Richmond,
but the situation

is considerably worse
than you may think.

Farmers, ranchers,
small business men;

they're beginning to lose faith
in the banking commission.

And on top of that,

none of the stolen money
has turned up anywhere.

It's as though
it had been just swallowed up.

Yes, and since
yesterday's holdup,

another $150,000 is snatched
out of the economy.

At least there's
one ray of sunshine.

And what
might that be?

Hmm?

Oh, I was just thinking how much
I'd like to be around

when the gang starts
divvying up the loot.

( gunshot )

Hey, you, whatever
your name is.

Dear lady, from
the bottom of my heart,

I do sweetly urge you
to shut up.

Listen to me.

If it's money you're after,

I have a proposition
for you.

If it's money we're after?

You have a proposition?

I can get you money,
and lots of it,

if you'll do something for me.

You hear that?

All she has to do
is reach out and touch,

and everything
turns into gold.

I know who you are.

You're the daughter
of King Midas.

No. Of the governor
of this territory.

The--

( laughing )

Governor Randolph Trent
has one child,

a daughter named, uh...

Ah-veri.

Averi.

You are Averi Trent.

What is it you want,
Miss Trent?

I need to get to Fort Cordovan
as quickly as possible.

And once we're there,

I'll have Daddy
wire you the money.

I'll tell the boys
to break camp.

You're practically in
Fort Cordovan.

Stacey, give me
a pen and paper.

Carl, saddle up.

You're going
on a little trip.

( adventure theme playing )

I've just heard the missing girl
is the governor's daughter.

So it seems.

Well, what are you
doing about it?

They must be stopped.

Mr. Guild, yesterday
Jim West tangled

with the leader
of the gang,

a man who played
character bits,

quoted Merchant of Venice.

Reasonable conclusion:
we're dealing with an actor.

Later on, one of the gang dies,
quoting Hamlet in his delirium.

Sure-fire conclusion:

we're dealing with a troupe,
an acting company,

and right at this very moment,
the Olympic Company,

a Shakespearean acting troupe,
is touring the territory.

I fail to see
what that means.

Here, I'll show you.

Now, these pins indicate
the stage holdups.

Now, we know for sure
that the Olympic Company

has played
the adjoining towns.

Which just might explain

where the missing money
is kept.

Exactly.

Now, they've already played
Elkton, Sierra, and Milbank.

They seem to be heading
towards Mexico,

where they'll probably meet
the rest of the gang,

so they'll be free
to spend the money.

Artemus Gordon is
on his way right now

into the next town
in sequence.

Artemus, looks like
the play's the thing

wherein we'll catch
the conscience of, uh...

Wonder who?

( western theme playing )

Aah!

( suspenseful theme playing )

I thought
we had made a deal.

Oh, we have, dear lady...

a most sacred
binding compact.

I deliver you to the gates
of Fort Cordovan...

in return for which,
small service

your father will
suitably reward me.

Well, then, why
are we waiting here

in this loathsome place?

Patience, dear lady, patience.

Don't patience me. When?

When certain strategic supplies
I've ordered arrive.

Til then, allow me
to offer you...

wine.

Come.

A lovely setting...

a beautiful young lady...

and a fine vintage Medoc...

whose crimson will pale

beside the crimson
of your lips.

( laughs )

You are a thief,

and you'll probably
wind up on the gallows,

but you do have style.

We've got a visitor.

Psst.

You? What are you
doing here?

Come on.

Come on.

( yells ):
Hey, let go of me!

Aah!

Let go of me.

What do you think
you're do--?

Find out what happened
to those guards.

And as for you,
my doomed friend,

you and I are going
to have a little chat.

Where's Clyde?

Over there.

Drunken misbegotten louse
swilling himself unconscious

an hour before curtain time.

Get rid of him.

He was a bad Falstaff,

perhaps the worst
I ever had to play against,

but what have I got now?

Nothing.

Bartender!

GORDON:
There's a special
providence

in the fall of a sparrow.

If it be now,
'tis not to come;

if it be not now,
yet it will come-

the readiness is all,

since no man hath aught
of what he leave.

What is't to leave betime?

Yes? Something?

You know your Hamlet
very well, sir.

How familiar are you
with Henry IV?

No, eye hath seen
such scarecrows.

I'll not march through Coventry
with them, that's flat.

Good.

Nay, the villains march wide
betwixt the legs,

as though
they had jibes on,

for indeed, I had the most
of them out of prison.

That's all, my friends.
Show's over.

On the contrary,
it's only the beginning.

I could use a Falstaff like you
in my show tonight.

What's your name?

Kevin Kimble,

and thank you,
I'm not interested.

Would you like to hear

some wild Irish poetry,
my pagan beauty?

I'd pay very well
for your services, Mr. Kimble.

Thank you.
I'm not interested.

And be very, very grateful.

( gun cocks )

Well, on the other hand, uh...

how can one put a price
on the gratitude

of one's fellow man?

( audience laughing )

Aah...

If I come in his,

let him make
a carbonado of me.

For I do not like such honor,

grinning as Sir Walter hath.

( moans )

( laughing )

Give me life,

which if I can save, so:

if not, honor comes
unlooked for,

and there's an end.

( applause )

They like you,
Mr. Kimble.

Peasants.

So were the patrons

of Master Will's
Globe Theatre, I'm told.

I've decided to extend
our engagement here

another three days.

You'll stay with us,
of course.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm afraid I can't.

What?

Well, you see,
it's my aunt.

She's taken very ill.

I'm afraid that she isn't
expected to live for three days.

So under
the circumstances...

I also would take it ill,
Mr. Kimble,

if our enthusiastic audience

were to be deprived
of your Falstaff

for the run of our play.

Ready for you, Mr. Lansing.

Do I make myself clear, sir?

( to himself ):
Oh, yes, Mr. Lansing,

you make yourself very,
very clear.

♪ There's a yellow rose
in Texas ♪

♪ I am goin' to see ♪

♪ I'm the only one
Who knows her ♪

♪ Nobody else but me ♪

♪ She cried so
When I left her ♪

♪ It almost broke my heart ♪

♪ But if I ever find her ♪

♪ We nevermore will part ♪

♪ She's the sweetest
Little rosebud ♪

♪ Texas ever knew ♪

♪ Her eyes
Are bright as diamonds ♪

♪ They sparkle
Like the dew ♪

♪ You may talk
About your Clementine ♪

♪ Sing of Rosalee ♪

♪ But the yellow rose
Of Texas ♪

♪ Is the only girl for me ♪

♪ For the Rio Grande
Is flowin' ♪

♪ The stars
Are shinin' bright ♪

♪ We walked along the river ♪

♪ On a quiet summer night ♪

( suspenseful theme playing )

( door closes )

( men laughing )

LANSING:
I've decided to extend
our engagement here

another three days, with you
staying with us, of course.

What?

You are a talented
fellow, Mr. Kimble,

and, of course,
you can explain

what you're doing
in my dressing room.

I'm-I'm waiting.

I looked everywhere for you.
I couldn't find you.

I decided to wait
for you here.

I see.

Any particular reason why?

Yes. To give you
this letter.

Well, it came by courier.

They said it was most urgent.

John.

You and I will leave tonight
for Red Rock Cave.

You mean, we're not going to
extend the performances

for three additional days?

My plans have changed,
Mr. Kimble,

so you're free to visit
your dying aunt after all.

I suggest you get started
right now.

Oh, I certainly will,
Mr. Lansing.

Yes, of course. Thank you.

Oh, thank you so much.
Thank you very much.

( suspenseful theme playing )

You know, you were right.
This is very good wine.

( glass breaks )

( glass breaks )

Good night.

Miss Trent?

Yes?

Would you please do me
a great favor.

Why, certainly.
What is it?

Well, inside my shirt,
there's a cigar and a match.

Even a condemned man's
entitled to have a smoke.

Of course.

Thank you.

Had a little
good night kiss, I see.

You wouldn't happen to be
jealous now, would you?

Me, jealous?

Not a chance.

And what's wrong
with my kisses?

Oh, what's right
with your kisses?

Well, I'll show you.

( whistling )

( horse whinnies )

Hey, he's gone!

( action theme playing )

Breakfast.

You might like to know,
that unlike you,

he was a perfect gentleman.

I'd made a deal with him.

He was going to take me
to Fort Cordovan.

Here. Sagebrush tea.

Come on. Drink it.

It was all settled,
and then you came along.

Really? Well, I think
you should read this.

How I hate you.
How I despise you.

Fine, but you should
read this letter.

And when I tell my father
what you've done,

he'll break you.

You'll see.

Well, if I were you,
I'd still read that.

One of his men
was taking that letter

to your father when
I intercepted him.

Even if your father
had paid the full amount,

you would have ended up

with a knife in your back
or a bullet.

May I please have some
of your sagebrush tea?

( horse whinnies )

I'm sorry.

There isn't time.

( suspenseful theme playing )

( wolf howls )

Whoa. Whoa.

Would you please
make a fire?

Going to have to be
a small one, I'm afraid.

Anything to keep
from freezing.

Here. Put this
around you.

You know,
you never told me

what's so important
about Fort Cordovan.

Fort Cordovan is Donald.

And, uh...

what is Donald?

A lieutenant
stationed there.

And he's so handsome
and so wonderful.

And you're in love
with him.

Yes.

But Daddy's taken it
into his head to disapprove;

forbidden me to see him,
so I ran away from home.

Donald and I
are going to get married.

Congratulations.

We're going to live
in a little house on the post,

all covered
in honeysuckle.

Every night
when Donald comes home,

he'll have his dinner
waiting for him...

( western theme playing )

Good morning.

Morning.

I'm thirsty and hungry.

Well, so am I.

There isn't time.
Come on.

( suspenseful theme playing )

Where's Carl?

He's dead at the bottom
of that gorge yonder.

Good bye, ransom.

That's the second 150,000
we've lost this week.

Well, don't worry about it.
We'll get the girl back.

No, no. Too risky.

By now, the governor has
to know his daughter's missing.

Yeah, and by noon, this place
will be crawling with troops.

And by then, we'll be
holed up in Red Rock Cave,

and nobody except my brother
will know where we are.

Let's move.

Let's go.
Hup.

They've given up.

I'll wait until
they get out of sight,

and then I'll track them.

But why?

Why? It's why
I came out here

in the first place,
that's why.

Hyah, hyah.

Where are they?

I don't know.

Just for a guess,

I'd say they're
in that cave.

Well, now what?

Now I go in after them.

Let me help you down.

Go get some coffee.

We'll take over
for you now.

Hey!

( adventure theme playing )

( gunshot )

( gunshot )

Help!

AVERI:
Help!

Those-those men in the cave,
they're trying to kill him.

Who?

James West.
Please help him.

( gunfire )

Hey! Hey!
What are you doing?

Hey! Come on!
Let go of me!

What--

( gunfire )

I can't leave you alone
for one hour

without you getting into
some kind of trouble.

( gunfire )

( laughs )

We've got to get
to that girl

with an inoculation,
you know that, don't you?

Yeah, I know that, Artie.

Where is she?

She's in the cave.

Let's see if there's
another entrance.

Right.

Well, I never sent you any
note telling you to come here.

Something's very wrong.

Not anymore.

All we need is to
get rid of West.

We have a fortune
at our disposal,

and we're free to leave
for Mexico whenever we--

( dramatic theme playing )

What's the matter with you?

( screams )

Drop your hardware!

GORDON:
You won't even live
long enough to be buried.

It's true.

You've all been exposed
to an Asiatic plague.

Without this inoculation,
you won't live out the week.

He's lying, of course.

WEST:
Am I?

Gentlemen, ask that man
that's laying on the ground.

Which one of you
will be next?

Feeling a little faint?

WEST:
A little dizzy, gentlemen?

Come on, gents. Speak up.

I've got enough serum here
for all of you.

If anybody dies,
it'll be West and the girl.

Whoops. That slipped.

Leaves only
three bottles of serum.

I'll destroy the last two

if you don't come out
and give yourselves up.

( gun cocks )

MAN:
No, Malcolm.

That's the last
of them, Jim.

What's she doing?

What's it look like
she's doing?

You can't inoculate
infected money.

( western theme playing )

( laughing )

Oh, my. Much prettier
when you can smile.

Well, what else
would a girl be doing

on the way
to her wedding?

Well--

Averi, congratulations.

Thank you.

All good luck.

Thank you.

You know, I think
Donald will like me

so much better now
than he did before.

MAN:
Averi?

That's Donald.

AVERI:
Donald!

I'd like you
to meet someone.

This is Donald.

How do you do,
gentlemen?

I want to thank you
for taking care of Averi.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat western theme playing )