The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 4, Episode 22 - The Night of the Cossacks - full transcript

( upbeat Western theme playing )

( sinister theme playing )

Forbidden.

Uh, my name is James West.

I'm with the government

and I have business
with your prince.

Not to approach.

I said,
I'm with the government.

( menacing theme playing )

( whinnies )

Yah.



( whinnies )

( grunts )

( dramatic theme playing )

MAN:
That will do.

Prince Gregor,
I'm Agent West.

I was told
that a special agent

had been assigned
by your President,

to escort my family
to New Petersburg,

and that he was
a most capable man.

Then why didn't you
tell your men?

I'm glad to see
that my information

was correct on both counts.

I welcome you.

Thank you.



( uneasy theme playing )

Interesting,

a new addition
to the royal family.

Shall I, sire?

I can easily
pick him off.

( yelling in Russian )

At the proper time and place,
we will eliminate him.

( laughs )

( upbeat Western theme playing )

( somber theme playing )

Tell Princess Lina
I wish to see her.

( quietly ):
Yes, your grace.

Really, Gregor,
dashing about this wild country,

you might have been
shot by buffaloes

or trampled by Indians.

Fortunately, auntie,

I was able to escape
both perils.

This is Mr. James West.

How do you do?

The Dowager Duchess
Sophia of Korovnia.

You are Hungarian.

I can tell
the Magyar eyes.

No, I-I'm afraid not,
your grace.

Really?
You remind me so much

of a Hungarian count
I knew as a girl.

Bruno, it was.

( chuckles ):
Well, no matter.

How desperately
I need a knave of spades.

My sister, Lina.

Mr. West is the official escort
from his country.

An escort of one?

( laughs )

Your Highness,

I was concerned
when you returned late

from your ride.
Oh, I am sorry, captain.

Captain Zaboff guards me
and my family.

Mr. West has been loaned
to us by the United States.

Since we are on a hunting
expedition in his country,

his government would want
no unpleasant incident

to mar our journey.

You're a talented
skirmisher, Mr. West.

Thank you, captain,
but I had the advantage.

I'm on home ground.

Dreadful,
uncooperative cards.

Are we going to spend
another night

in this terrible prairie,
Gregor?

No, auntie, we shall
break camp at once.

We should reach
the house of Petrovsky

before nightfall.

Petrovsky
is a Korovnian compatriot,

who emigrated here
and became rich and famous

in your land of opportunity.

Captain?
I'll tend to your orders.

Do make yourself
comfortable, Mr. West.

My niece, Princess Lina,
will extend to you

our famous
Korovnian hospitality.

Gregor.

( sighs )

Tea, Mr. West?

Yes, thank you.

Tea, Maria.

( sighs ):
Tell me, Mr. West,

are we in any danger
from the hordes of Red Indians

I've read so much about?

Oh, they've got
a lot more to fear from us,

I can assure you.

Ah-- Oh.

Clumsy fool.

Yes, aren't we?

I will never get used
to the customs

of your country, Mr. West.

I'm beginning to think
I'll never understand

the customs of your country.

( sighs )

Y-you're very kind, sir.

And you're very pretty.

It's my pleasure.

( relaxed theme playing )

American buffalo.

What beautiful beasts.

And what a wonderful addition
to our collection of hides.

You dare.

Your Highness,
you're in Indian country,

and according to our
treaty with the Indian,

only they can hunt
the buffalo.

Not even
visiting royalty?

No, Your Highness,
not even visiting royalty.

Oh, of course.
This is America.

( chuckles )

Mr. West
is right again, captain.

The rules
of the house prevail.

Thank you.

One day, Mr. West,
you may not be right,

and you'll have to
pay a forfeit.

GUARD:
Captain.

Petrovsky's house
is up ahead.

( uneasy theme playing )

( speaking Russian )

( speaking Russian )

( music box plays )

( guitar plays )

Mm...

Yotra Petrovsky,
you entertain handsomely.

Old World food
and hospitality

in the new land.

This feast alone
would be worth the trip

halfway around the world.

I'm humbly honored,
Your Highness.

We are all honored.

To our deliverance

from the dreadful perils
of the prairie.

And let us all drink
to our host.

And to his fine house.

Na zdorovye.
ALL: Na zdorovye.

And let us all drink...

to my late,

and beloved husband.

Ivan Ivanovitch.

Killed by that fiend,
Balkovitch.

Not only has he torn
my heart apart,

but my country as well.

( sobbing )

There, there, auntie.

Go ahead,

hate me for spoiling
the party.

No, no.

Crying purifies
the heart.

Oh, my dear one.
Hush.

Linichka.

You are Hungarian.
I know.

You will understand.

We had no children.

Ivan Ivanovitch and I

look upon Lina...

and Kreesha
as our very own.

Dear Ivan Ivanovitch.

Our country's in chaos.

When the people are united

under the leadership

of his nephew,

his dearest wishes
will be fulfilled.

If I may be permitted
a toast...

May peace come quickly
to Korovnia,

and may Count Balkovitch
and his followers

return to the hell
they sprang from.

And now, my toast.

To my brother's
impending marriage

to the Countess Elaina.

It is too soon to be
talking of marriage,

while the rivers
of Korovnia still run red.

And now, if an outsider
may make a toast.

Outsider? You are
one of us, Mr. West.

Thank you.
To your American visit.

May it be filled
with pleasure.

Maria, you will dance for us.

( sighs )

No, Your Highness,
I dare not.

I command you.

( laughs )

Come on, Maria, dance.
Yes, dance, come on.

Come on, Nikolai.
( plays guitar )

( claps )

Okay, Nikolai, come on.

( all clapping )

( music playing faster )

( music slows )

( music playing faster )

Stop it.

Stop it.

That is
a disgusting display.

( sobbing )

Bravo, sister.

Your education
in Vienna and Paris

has not been wasted.

You've learned how to make
a servant girl cry.

More wine, music.

This is a night for merriment
and laughter, isn't it?

Poor Lina,

so young,

so easily shocked,

to discover
that her brother--

Prince though he is.

--is a man.

( laughs )

With a man's eye
for a shapely wench.

Even my darling
Ivan Ivanovitch,

could not resist
pinching a servant girl

from time to time.

( sobbing )
( melancholy theme playing )

( sighs )

It was a disgusting,
abandoned display.

Forgive me,
Your Highness.

Not your dancing,

my sister's outburst.

She has a sharp tongue,

but she would never
do anything deliberately

to hurt you.

No, Your Highness,

it was all my fault.

I...

I made a spectacle
of myself

in front of everybody.

It was I
who commanded you, huh?

Maria,

you dance delectably.

Oh, Your--
Your Highness.

( sobbing ):
Oh, Your Highness.

( neighs )

( laughing ):
You know something?

Hm?

I-I don't think that-that
horse cares very much

for a crying woman,
either.

( both laugh )

Oh, Your Highness,

I love you.

( sighs )

( ominous theme playing )

( Maria screams )

( dramatic theme playing )

( tense theme playing )

Ahh!

( dramatic theme playing )

( grunts )

( sobbing )
( moans )

Oh--
Oh, Gregor.

Oh, Mr. West.

Mr. West, help him.

No, no.

( laughs )

He's all right.
He's just stunned.

( speaking Russian )

Kreesha.

Kreesha.

( speaking Russian )
Oh, no, no.

Auntie,
thank you to Mr. West,

I'm all right.

Balkovitch's men?

I'm afraid so, captain.

How many were there?

I don't know.

Search the grounds
at once.

( grunts )

Oh, thank you.

We are in your debt, sir.

If there is any way
I can repay the favor...

You can, and right now.

How, Mr. West?

Who is this Balkovitch,

and why is he trying
so desperately

to capture you?

Yes, I think you have earned
our confidence.

But let's talk about this
in the house, huh?

Kreesha, are you really
all right?

You had me frightened.
Yes, auntie.

Now, stop clucking.

( ominous theme playing )

Howdy, sheriff.

( clears throat )

Seem to be quite a few people
leaving town around here.

Yep, account
of the shootin'.

Oh? Has there been
some shooting?

Well, strictly speakin',

it ain't started yet.

You mean
you're expecting it?

I'm dead certain of it.
C-careful now.

You know, up till now,

this has been a nice,
peaceful little settlement.

Full of Russians, you know.

Yes, so I understand.

Look, sheriff, there's a
Prince Gregor of Koroff,

visiting royalty, who will be
coming to town here soon.

Well,
now that's one problem.

That's why folks
are all leavin' town.

They don't want to be around
when the two get together.

Two parties?

Who's the other?

Oh, fella named Balkovitch,

who don't exactly
write love letters

to that prince friend
of yours.

He's got quite
a group with him.

And I'll give you
a piece of advice.

Tell that prince
to stay clear of the town.

Prince Gregor happens to be
an official guest

of our country, sheriff.

So if you don't mind,
the United States government

would appreciate something more
substantial than just advice,

like maybe a little help
from you.

Well, now,
that's the other problem.

I got no deputies,

uh, Mr. Gordon.

And seeing as how
this is not a local matter,

I don't see
or hear nothin'.

I don't relish getting
caught up in an argument

that crossed half a world
to light here.

Tell me something, sheriff,

if shooting did
happen to break out,

don't you think it
just possible

that some local people
might get hurt?

Well, now,
that's usually the case.

'Course, if you got a victim
and you show me the killer,

I'll be happy
to use the badge.

Well, it's nice to know
that you're really there

when the chips are down.

Well, now,
look at it my way,

I'll still be here
when both sides are in and out,

and then I can go back
to haulin' in drunks

and light-fingered Charlies.

You know, up till now,

a stolen horse
was a crime wave.

Always wonderful
to find a man

who upholds
the high standards

of his office, sheriff.

Well, if it's any
consolation to you--

What'd you say
your name was?

Gordon.

Well, Mr. Gordon,
if it's any consolation to you,

when the other party
comes to me,

my answer will be the same.

Well, thank you very,
very much, sheriff.

That makes everything
just fine.

Uh, what did you say the name
of that other party was?

Balkovitch.

( mouths ):
Balkovitch.

( wind gusts )

Oh, I'm sorry about that,
sheriff.

( speaking Russian )

Auntie, auntie--

Please stop clucking.

I'm all right.

Now I know that
Balkovitch or his men

were our late visitors.

What is it they wanted?

The same thing we want,

the royal icon,
the Virgin of Kirovgrad.

Many years ago,

when our people first came
to settle here in America,

our bishop brought
with him the sacred icon

to bless the settlement
of New Petersburg.

The icon is the spiritual
symbol of leadership.

Whoever possesses it can
reunite Korovnia and rule.

He wants the icon
and your throne.

Mm.
He is an evil pretender

who will stop
at nothing to rule.

Ever since he
slaughtered my husband,

there has been nothing
but civil war and killings.

Because of him,
many of our people have fled.

Only the icon's return
can bring peace again.

Now you know,
Mr. West.

I know what the icon is

and that it's
in New Petersburg,

but as to who has it...

Only I know that,

and I'd rather not
reveal it.

Providence forbid,
Gregor,

if something should
happen to you--

No.

That knowledge
imposes a heavy burden.

It's too dangerous
for anyone else to share.

Here, with the good wishes
of our master Petrovsky.

To warm you
on this bitter night.

It is a bitter night.

Hey, vodka
for the pure at heart,

and the thirsty.

Yes, but we are
on guard duty.

This bottle,
see how it fits the hand?

As gracefully shaped
as a woman.

Huh? Drink.

Drink, drink.

( chuckles ):
Drink.

( laughs )

( speaks Russian )

They're like the dead.

These men aren't drunk.
They've been drugged.

MARIA:
Mr. West?

Mr. West.

Mr. West?

Mr. West,
uh, Balkovitch

and his men
are in the house.

I am here
under a flag of truce.

What do you want?

What would you say
if I told you

I have an offer for you?

I would say, "beware

of murderous tartars
bearing gifts."

Korovnia is torn apart.

There could be peace,
if we desire it.

Most interesting,
Count Balkovitch,

considering
your past efforts

at plunging our country
into chaos.

But tell me
what you propose,

uh, to achieve
this peace.

( sighs )

Our houses are both
old and honored.

Yes.

( chuckles ):
So...

why should we fight

when we can unite,

if representatives
of both our houses,

should merge
into the bonds of matrimony?

You, for instance?

And Princess Lina.

Steady, captain.

So we have a voice
of reason among us.

You refuse to negotiate?

Your flag of truce
is soiled.

I suggest
you leave at once.

Come on.

You've interfered
with me and my men

for the last time,
Mr. West.

Captain, I'm sure you realize

we're hopelessly outnumbered.

Why invite
Balkovitch's attack?

Forgive me,
Your Highness.

What do we do now?

We stay here,
we're sitting ducks.

I suggest we move on
to New Petersburg.

I say we do not.

There's little cover
and much chance of an ambush.

We should wait
for my men to recover.

More important even
than life itself is the icon.

It must be secured.

( dramatic theme playing )

( crickets chirping )

( twig snaps )

( bird warbles )

( chuckles )

You frightened me, Artie.

GORDON:
Hello, James.

( chuckles )

You got a full moon. It's a
great night for werewolves.

Yeah, and Balkovitch.

Oh, I've heard
about that gentleman.

Any sign of him yet?

No sign.

Captain, this is my partner,
Artemus Gordon.

How do you do?
Princess Lina is missing.

I've searched
the entire camp.

( twig snaps )
( gasps )

Oh, I got your note.

Why did you want
to meet me out here?

( screams )

( tense theme playing )

Your temper, princess,

is exceeded
only by your beauty.

( laughs )

I am not a man
who is easily dissuaded

from his own purpose.

Consider again
what it means to Korovnia,

after all
these generations,

to arrange
an amicable liaison

between our two
great families.

I would sooner
take the vows with a toad.

( chuckles )

( clears throat )

You may be noble
and self-sacrificial

as far as your own person
is concerned,

but when it will cost the life
of your regal brother...

If it comes to that,
my brother knows how

to die without whimpering.

Oh, yes.

So thought your uncle,
the late Grand Duke Ivan Koroff.

I could have
succeeded then,

had he not sent
the icon to America

before I had him killed.

Do you want to go free?

Do you want to spare
the life of your brother?

Then tell me,

where in New Petersburg
the icon is.

( bubbling )

The icon--

Where is it?

I would sooner die.

Princess, you've only
seen my better side

up till now.

That's all she's going
to see. Don't move.

( creaking )
( tense theme playing )

( bubbling )

( dramatic theme playing )

( tense theme playing )

( ledge splashes )

All right.

If I must trade
the icon for Lina,

then that is what I will do.

Your Highness, that's the worst
possible thing you could do.

Count Balkovitch
has abducted the princess

for only one reason.

That's to force you
to give up the icon

in exchange
for her release.

Exactly.
Why shouldn't I?

What's to assure you
that he won't kill her

after he receives
the icon?

Oh...

What can I do?

I think it's important we leave
for New Petersburg immediately,

because if he gets his
hands on that icon first,

the princess is
in real trouble.

He won't even need her
then as a hostage.

Prince Gregor,
you overruled me

in leaving the safety
of Petrovsky's house.

You overrule me again now
if you listen to them.

Captain Zaboff,

this is no time
for recriminations.

We must leave at once.

Mr. West, when this
ugly business is finished,

you and I
have much to settle.

Boy, I'd sure love
to have a sample

of his handwriting.

Why, Artie?

Here, I found this note

in the clearing
where Lina was kidnapped.

In Russian.

Which, as it happens,
I can't read.

I can talk it,
but I can't read it.

Well, that's not much good

unless you can
translate it, is it?

( Artie chuckles )

Artie, anyone else
know about this note?

Haven't shown it
to anybody else.

I want to know what it
really says before somebody

tells me
something different.

I got a feeling
somebody here might have

set the princess up
for the kidnap.

We'll find someone
in New Petersburg

that can translate
that note.

Let's get going, Artie.

Right.
( yells )

( dramatic theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Whoa.

Thank you, captain.

This is not quite
the lavish reception I expected.

Well, it's better
than the reception

Balkovitch has
planned for you.

Listen, I've made arrangements
for rooms over at the hotel.

Why don't I go over and see
what kind of help I can get--?

Captain, will you
escort the women

to their quarters at once?

Excuse me, Mr. West.

There is something
I must attend to.

The icon.

Yes.

Good. Then maybe I'll
just stick with you.

Huh, prince?

Come along.

( solemn theme playing )

Father.

I am Prince Gregor Koroff
of Korovnia.

Welcome, Your Highness.

Your visit
has been anticipated.

I am pleased.

Shall we get to the point?

The Lord watch
between me and thee...

MAN:
While we are absent,

one from another.

Prince Gregor.

Bishop Kucharyk.

You were a mere boy
when I left Korovnia

with the icon
and half the medallion.

How I have longed
to see the blessed symbol

returned to rightful hands.

It is here.

Excuse me, Father.

( sighs )

Mr. West.

The sacred icon.

Dear Holy Mother,

please,
send Princess Lina

back safely to us.

She will.
I promise you that.

But when,
merciful heaven?

( speaks Russian )

BALKOVITCH:
Prince Gregor.

A word with Your Most
Serene Royal Highness.

Interested in a trade,
Your Highness?

One slightly frayed princess

for an old icon?

And you have
until the morning

before this offer
is withdrawn.

( laughs )
( dramatic theme playing )

( tense theme playing )

( indistinct conversations )

WEST:
Igor.

( dramatic theme playing )

GREGOR:
Where is he?

A precious half-hour
is almost gone,

and still Mr. West
is not back.

He'll be here.

Your Highness, let me
go after the princess.

My life's not important.

No, Zaboff.

Your death would not
bring my sister back.

Besides,
I promised Mr. West

I would wait
a half an hour.

( footsteps )

Twenty-eight minutes
by the watch.

Two minutes to spare.

( sighs )

Well, anyone we know?

Artie, this is one
of Balkovitch's men.

I have a feeling
when he comes to,

he's gonna tell us who
Balkovitch is working with.

It's someone
in your group, prince.

That's not possible.

GORDON:
On the contrary,
Your Highness, it is.

We'll prove it
once this man comes to.

Artie, do you have the key
to the storeroom?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Well, let's lock him up,
huh?

( tense theme playing )
Fine.

( snoring )

( footsteps )

( door opens )

( door closes quietly )

( snoring continues )

( ominous theme playing )

( door squeaks )

( dramatic theme builds )

GORDON:
Sorry to upset
your plans, duchess.

Just make yourself
comfortable, huh?

( tense action theme playing )

Na zdorovye.

( all laugh )

How soon, count?

Ah, perhaps
a few minutes.

We've all prepared?
Good.

Someone is coming
from the hotel.

( speaking Russian )

( footsteps )

My blessings upon you all,

and, uh, I would like to talk
with Count Balkovitch,

if you please.

I am Count Balkovitch.

And you?

The humble bearer
of an icon.

Ah. The sacred icon.

Even so.

( laughs )
But first,

a promise
of forgiveness and mercy

for the prince
and his family.

( chuckling ):
Yes, yes.

( clears throat )

The springs of mercy
and forgiveness

are deep within me,
of course, of course.

Oh, Count Balkovitch,

twice blessed is he

who raises up his enemies
from the dust

and binds up his wounds.
Yes, yes, yes.

The icon, the icon.
And in you,

I see a man
generous in spirit,

forgiving as can be.

Indeed, a philosopher
of the world,

in a manner of speaking.

It might, perhaps,
not be too much to say

that your noble heart--

Now, listen, Father,

I am not a patient man.

I-I would not keep
from you...

what you wish.

( action theme playing )

( grunting )

( both grunt )

( grunts )

Artie.

I'll take it from here.

Well.
Well done, sheriff.

What made you
change your mind?

Oh, I forgot
to tell you,

I always go
with the hot hand.

Oh, well, if you'd like to
fill it out to the royal flush,

the queen card is locked down
in the storm cellar.

( tense theme playing )

West, I admit
having been a fool.

Accept my apologies.

Accepted, captain.

I must know.

How did you suspect
that my Aunt Sophia

was in sympathy
with Balkovitch?

Well, the priest
translated the note

that lured the princess
to the meeting place.

It was addressed
to "Linichka,"

which, in Korovnia,
I was told,

is a term
of familiar endearment

usually used by
an older person to a younger.

Well, only royalty could address
royalty so familiarly.

Hm.

ZABOFF:
But why did she do it?

GORDON:
Very simple.

She knew that once Prince Gregor
assumed the throne,

she would be driven
from power.

Oh...

I must ask one more favor
of you gentlemen, huh?

Yes.
I would be honored

if you would come to Korovnia
and witness my coronation.

Well, of course.
By all means.

It'd be a pleasure.
LINA: And his marriage.

Well, congratulations,
Your Highness.

Your Highness, you know,
there's another American custom.

Oh? What is that?
Uh, kissing the bride.

( laughing ):
Oh...

After the ceremony.

( all laugh )
( triumphant theme playing )

( upbeat Western theme playing )