The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 4, Episode 10 - The Night of the Camera - full transcript

( mysterious theme playing )

( horse and buggy approaching )

Oh, Mr. West.

Mr. West.

( suspenseful theme playing )

( crate crashes )

Give me a hand.

He's dead.

Who are you,
and what are you up to?

( mumbling )

Give me an answer,
don't mumble.



Mr. West...

You're a secret service agent?

You've got to be kidding.

( upbeat western theme playing )

Colonel Richmond sent me up
from Washington to help you.

Help me? Why?

Well, when I saw Mr. Gordon
in Washington,

and learned that he
would be there for some time,

I persuaded Colonel Richmond
to send me.

Jeremy Pike has already
been assigned to me.

Well, he said you'd find
something for me.

Did he tell you
what case we were working on?

Yeah, he said you were working
on a huge opium-smuggling ring,

and that you'd been on the case
for some time.



That's right, Mr., um,
Mr. Cranston.

Bosley Cranston.

Did he also tell you

that we haven't had one
single, solitary lead?

But then,
just a few hours ago,

I spotted the courier
for the ring.

That was the break we needed.

And now he's gone.

He's gone?

Gone.

Thanks for your help,
Mr. Cranston.

Here.

I'm really sorry,
Mr. West.

This is my first
field assignment.

If you hadn't told me that,
I never would have guessed.

My work has always been
in the laboratory.

We haven't, uh...

Find something?

Shouldn't we call a policeman
and report this?

( suspenseful theme playing )

( western theme playing )

I don't believe it.
I just don't believe it.

Nobody could be that stupid.

I don't mean to
minimize my mistake

in calling to Mr. West
when he was following that man,

but if you're certain

he's a courier
for the smuggling ring,

why didn't you just
take him into custody

and interrogate him?

Because of the list.

The list?

Somewhere in this town,
there's a list

of the smuggling ring's dealers

in every city
in the country,

and we want to get
our hands on that list

before the ring
knows we have it.

Well, tell me how I can help.

You can help
by catching the first train

back to Washington.

Oh, no...

Oh, yes.

Please, Mr. West.

Ever since
I joined the service,

I've been after Colonel Richmond
to let me go into the field.

It's not that I don't enjoy
my work in the laboratory,

because scientific inquiry
will always be my first love.

But you wouldn't believe

the staggering amounts
of paperwork connected with it.

I just couldn't take it
anymore.

Uh, Jim, maybe we've been
a little too hard on Cranston.

I'll do anything I can
to stay, anything.

Just tell me
what to do.

I think
I've got an idea.

Yes, of course.

Cranston, my good man,
prepare yourself to go to work.

Well, what's all--
What's all this?

Reports.

Reports?

Yeah, to Washington.

Paperwork, Cranston.
Paperwork.

You see, we're behind
in our paperwork.

Oh, you don't,
by any chance,

know how to use
one of these, do you?

JEREMY:
Excellent.

I hate to bother you,

but they are reports
to Washington.

Would you mind
getting at them?

Thank you.

Good man.

Well, it's all well and good
to put him to work,

but what are we going to do?

We're right back
where we started.

Maybe not.

Oh?

I took it off the courier.

What would he be doing with
half of a broken poker chip?

Unless...
Exactly.

And I know where to find the
other half of that poker chip.

( traditional Chinese
music playing )

Hey, what's all the clucking,
Charlie?

Half a poker chip's
better than none.

Hey, not so fast, doll.

Come with me, please.

My pleasure.

( whimsical theme playing )

( yells in Chinese )

( western theme playing )

Get him!

( whimsical theme playing )

Better get back
to my typing.

Jim, I was getting
a little worried about you.

Take a look at this.

Shafton's Reflections
on Good and Evil, Volume 1.

First edition,
published in England in 1575.

Must be extremely valuable.

Almost priceless.
But not to us.

It's not worth anything to us
unless we can break the code.

Code?

Take a good look
at one of the pages.

You see anything?

Some of the letters
are thinly underlined.

Right. Now, if we put
the letters together,

they should spell out
the names and the addresses

of the opium ring's dealers
around the country.

Should?

But they don't.

They don't make
any sense at all.

And I think I know why.

The first edition
of Shafton's Reflections

was published in two volumes.

So half the code
is in the first volume,

and the second part is in
volume two, wherever that is.

For instance,
top of page 29,

"Pleasure is the chief
or sole good in life."

Now, if you'll notice,

the "p" in the word "pleasure"
is underlined.

CRANSTON:
Excuse me, Mr. Pike.

Uh, the sentence you quoted
isn't on page 29.

What?

It's on page, uh, 37.

Have you read this book,
Cranston?

No.

He's right.
It's on page 37.

I thought you said
you didn't read the book.

Well, I haven't,

not in the accepted sense
of the word.

I have flipped through it.

You just flipped through it?

Yes. I have what you might call
a photographic memory.

I'm able to look at
a page of a book

and it becomes indelibly
imprinted on my mind.

That's very interesting,
Cranston.

I-I can't account for it.
It's just the way I am.

Let's see.

You tell me
what you read.

Wait a minute.

Would you, uh...
would you do that again?

Okay.

Now, you ready?

Mm-hmm.

All right.
Let's have it.

You want it
from the beginning?

No. Page 22.
Fourth paragraph from the top.

"It was a cold, ominous night
when Hiram Harp

"arrived at the country estate
of Lord Bushnell.

"Rain was threatening.

"However, Hiram felt
under the circumstances..."

He did it.
He can actually do it.

It's nothing but a great,
little parlor trick.

It's not getting us
any closer to volume two.

Now, my plan is this:

Bosley makes a typewritten
copy of the book,

and we take a newspaper ad
offering the volume for sale.

The opium ring sees the ad,
realizes it's their book,

and they try and buy it.

And they'll want it
so bad

they won't let anybody
outbid them.

Then I follow them
with the second book.

You see anything wrong
in that?

I'll let you know
after I try it.

( suspenseful theme playing )

MAN:
Howdy, friend.

Say, this the place they gonna
hammer down that rare book?

If you're referring to
the first edition of Shafton--

That's the one, yeah.

Well, come right on in, Mr...

Uh, Langham. Leroy Langham.

You can just call me Longhorn.
Most folks do.

Say, who are them
jaspers over there?

They're your competitors
for the book.

Competitors?

Don't look like they'd be
competition for a sick mule.

Come this way, please.

Gentlemen, may I introduce
Mr. Langham of Texas?

How'd you know
I was from Texas?

Baron Kyosai of Japan,

bidding for the Daichi
Literary Museum of Tokyo.

Don Carlos de Mendoza Garcia,
Barcelona, Spain.

And Mr. Gideon Stix
of San Francisco.

Well, howdy, friend.

My pleasure, Mr. Langham.

I trust we shan't find
our friendship strained

when the bidding starts.

Isn't it time, señor?

Well, not until Mr. Langham

has had a chance to examine
the volume, Don Carlos.

As I've already told the others,

uh, I'm not the principle
in this sale,

only the agent for the owner.

Uh, who's that?

Unfortunately, I'm not at
liberty to divulge his identity.

But upon examination
of this volume,

I'm sure that you will,
as the others have,

find it to be a genuine,
first edition of volume one

of Shafton's Reflections
on Good and Evil.

Well, I'll just have to
take your word for that.

Back home
in Langham, Texas,

we figure on startin'
a little ol' library.

This here book
will start us off right nice.

Uh, gentlemen?

If you are ready, we will
proceed with the bidding.

I must remind you first,

before I entertain
the first bid,

that nothing less than $20,000
will be accepted.

May I have the first bid?

Twenty-one thousand.

Thank you.

Twenty-one thousand,
one hundred.

Can you tell which one
is from the opium ring?

We'll know soon enough.

Twenty-two thousand,
eight hundred.

Ah, Don Carlos bids 22,800.

Gracias, señor.

MR. STIX:
Twenty-five thousand.

Thirty-thousand dollars.

Thirty-one.

Forty-five thousand.

Fifty-thousand.

Fifty-one thousand.

Fifty-five thousand.

Mr. Langham has bid $55,000.
Any other bids?

Mr. Stix?

I'm afraid this is
a bit too rich

for my blood
and my pocket book.

All I can bid you, gentlemen,
is good evening.

Good evening, Mr. Stix.
Thank you for coming.

One down, three to go.

KYOSAI:
I bid 60,000.

I bid--

Seventy-thousand dollars.

Don Carlos?

Gracias.
I, too, must retire.

Buenos noches,
caballeros.

Buenos noches.

Well, there goes another one.

Seventy-six thousand.

Eighty thousand.

Have a listen.

I need my glasses.

Baron?

My principle,
the Daichi Literary Museum

has authorized me
to go as high as $100,000,

No higher.

I now enter that bid.

PIKE:
Mr. Langham?

( sighs )

One hundred and ten thousand.

Mr. West, it's over.
The book's been sold.

The Texan.

There's sure gonna be
some mighty happy folks

back in Langham.

( suspenseful theme playing )

I paid good money
for that book.

( dramatic theme playing )

( bell ringing )

What tripped the alarm?

Couldn't find anything.

Caught them checking the system.

All right.

( door closes )

Stix?

WEST:
That's right.

He just attended the auction

to verify that it was
the right book.

He didn't care
if Langham, Baron,

or Don Carlos bought it.

He was gonna take it back.

Gideon Stix,
he's in the social register.

He's a patron of the arts.

And he also happens to own
an export/import firm,

which is undoubtedly the front
for the opium-smuggling ring.

Incredible.

Well, now you know
where volume two is.

Why don't you just get
a warrant for Mr. Stix's arrest?

CRANSTON:
Oh, that's right.

You have to have the book

in order to break the code

without the opium ring
knowing it.

PIKE:
And we also have to
make a copy of volume two

right in Stix's own library.

CRANSTON:
Impossible.
That would take hours.

Take days.

Even if you did
photograph it,

you'd have to get all
that equipment in and out

without it being discovered.

We have a plan.

I think you ought to be
sitting down

when we tell you about it,
Cranston.

( whimsical theme playing )

Yes?

( British accent ):
Good evening, my dear fellow.

Would you inform Mr. Stix that
Captain Cecil Smythe Allenby,

Second Earl of Southby,
is calling?

Mr. Stix sees no one
without an appointment.

Ah, quite so, quite so.

And a very wise policy too.
One which we follow ourselves.

We men of position

mustn't make ourselves
too accessible, should we?

However, we have something here
which we feel your employer,

as a very devoted art collector,
might wish to examine.

Come, come, come,
my good man.

Certainly there is
nothing to be lost

by informing Mr. Stix
of our presence, is there?

You're first.

Where is he?

Waiting in the foyer, sir.

Let him wait.

( applause )

Excellent. Excellent.

Ah, my dear Stix.
Good to see you again, sir.

But perhaps you don't remember.

We met three years ago,
I believe it was,

at the Queen's Fusilier Ball
at Buckingham.

Charming place you have here.
Absolutely charming.

Cecil Smythe Allenby.

Second Earl of Southby.

Mm-hmm.

I understand you have
something to show me.

Indeed I have, my dear Stix.
Indeed I have.

PIKE:
Breathtaking, isn't it?

It was once the property

of the Dowager Empress
of the fifth Ming dynasty.

The center stone
is the Burmese star ruby,

the reddest in the world.

( suspenseful theme playing )

( sneezes )

Shh!

( quietly ):
I'm sorry, Mr. West.

This is my first assignment
in the field.

I'm allergic to grass.

Swell.

Unfortunately,
the family fortune

has suffered severe
reverses of late.

The cards, the dice,
the horse...

being the fickle things
they are.

Wait here.

Let's go.

Why that--

Look at that.

Paste.

Do you see what I mean?

Mm-hmm.

( sneezes )

Luck. Just luck.

There are two kinds
of luck, Mr. Allenby,

or whatever your name is.

Indeed. Indeed.

I'm quite accustomed

to taking the bad
along with the good.

My-my glasses are broken.

If I can't see,
I can't read.

If I can't read,
I can't photograph the book.

We might as well
forget the plan, Mr. West.

Wait a minute.

What are you gonna do?

( suspenseful theme playing )

No one, no one plays
Gideon Stix for the fool.

Teach him a little lesson.

Then turn him over
to the police.

Now, just wait a minute, Stix.

You know,
this doesn't do justice

to your reputation
as a sportsman.

Who are you?

Who I am strikes me

as being just a little
unimportant right now.

What I am? I'm a gambler,
a little down on my luck.

You know,
I would have expected

that my feeble attempt
at deception

would have been nothing more

than a minor source
of amusement to you.

Well, I trust the police
will be more amused than I am.

I'm tempted to offer you
a proposition, Stix.

What proposition?

One game of pool.

Stakes being this:
if you win, your associates

can, "teach me a lesson,"
as you put it.

If I win, I'm permitted
to walk out of this house,

physically unharmed.

I thought as much.

Get rid of him.

Stix.

PIKE:
Stix!

Maybe it would be
more interesting

if we threw in $5,000
as a sort of side bet?

What have you got that could
possibly be worth $5,000?

Just myself.
I told you I was a gambler.

My life is collateral
for a $5,000 loan.

( chuckles )

Oh, you can't be serious.

Completely.

All right.

STIX:
All right.
You've got yourself a bet.

Your life against my 5,000.

Good.

Here you are.
My $5,000 against your life.

You break.

Get me a cigar
from the library.

That's a scratch.

I hoped you'd at least
give me a little competition.

Good shot.

Time to pay the piper.

Mr. Stix--

Uh-uh. No welshing.

I wouldn't think of it.

I'd just like to sink one
last ball, even the cue ball.

What for?

Oh, as a last tribute, salute,

to one who took
the ultimate gamble, and lost.

All right. All right.
It's cost you enough.

Come on. Come on. Shoot.
Get it over with.

How much longer?

Just a few pages, Mr. West.

Forget him!

Anything wrong,
Mr. Stix?

Oh, no. Nothing.

I probably should find
a safer place for these.

( dramatic theme playing )

What's his name?

A John Smith.

He died in Hong Kong.

His body is being sent
to his family in Denver.

Denver?

This is the fourth one
from Hong Kong in a month.

Things are booming in Denver,
boss.

Well, let's open it up,
have a look at him.

STIX:
Little fellow, isn't he?

The littler they are,

the more stuff we can
pack in with them, boss.

Hmm.

All right. Let's get him
down to the train.

Get my carriage, will you?
I think I'll go to the club.

Very well, sir.

One moment, Mr. Stix.

You're under arrest

in the name of
the United States government.

( action theme playing )

Karate?

Jim, do you think
it's possible

that we could have
underestimated Cranston?

"Nationwide raids
complete success.

"all of Gideon Stix's
dealers under arrest.

Good work. Richmond."

Congratulations are in order.
We congratulate you.

We couldn't have done it
without you, Cranston,

and we really mean that.

You're much too generous,
Mr. West.

PIKE:
I think this calls
for a celebration.

Cranston's all dressed up.

What do you say we go out,

find out what this town
has to offer

in the way
of feminine companionship?

I'm way ahead of you,
Mr. Pike.

What do you mean?

Well, I just happen to know

three girls here
in San Francisco:

the Gaffney sisters.

They're old friends
of the family,

and three of the most
intelligent young ladies

I've ever known.

So?

Well, I took the liberty
of inviting them

to have dinner with us
tonight at Delmonico's.

I think you'll find them
most stimulating.

They can converse
on almost any subject

with the most amazing
erudition.

( horse and buggy approaches )

I think that's them now.

Can you imagine
what those girls look like

if they're friends
of Cranston's?

"Old family friends."

"Who can converse
with amazing erudition"?

Swell.

( door opens )

That was them.
They're waiting for us.

Uh, Bosley, Jim and I,

we just remembered that
we can't go out tonight.

Well, why not?

Well, it's an urgent message
from Colonel Richmond.

We have to be here
when it arrives.

You sure?

PIKE:
Positive.

Yeah. Sorry.

Well, if you say so.
Good night.

Good night.

You're positive
you won't change your mind?

Well, we'd like to,
but we can't.

It's impossible tonight,
Cranston.

Okay.

( laughs )

The Gaffney sisters.
Heaven spare us.

( giggling )

Jerry, you were right.
We underestimated him.

( upbeat western theme playing )