The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 4, Episode 1 - The Night of the Big Blackmail - full transcript

( mysterious theme playing )

( man yells )

( whirring )

( whirring )

( chatter )

( swords clattering )

From the looks of it,
I would say that Hinterstoisser

has just gotten
some very good news.

It's good for him,
bad for the United States.

What the devil's
keeping West?

( crowd cheers and applauds )



Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner.

And to make
the presentation,

the president
of the United States,

Ulysses S. Grant.

Thank you, baron.
Thank you.

Well done.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the President's Cup
was initiated

by the honorable
James Buchanan in 1857.

( footsteps )

( suspenseful theme playing )

( barking )

( upbeat western theme playing )

( barking )



( suspenseful theme playing )

By the way,
Mr. President,

I'm holding a reception
tomorrow at noon,

and it is my fondest hope
that you

and the members of your cabinet
will honor my country

once more
by your attendance.

A reception?

A kind of entertainment.

But I beg you not to ask me
for details, sir.

I want it to be, uh...

a complete surprise.

HINTERSTOISSER:
I sent couriers
to all the other embassies,

but I wanted
to invite you personally.

I wanted to be absolutely
certain that you'd attend.

Mr. Gordon.
Sir?

I don't know what our schedule
is for noon tomorrow,

but as of now, it's cancelled.
Yes, sir.

Wonderful.

I think you'll find it,
uh, memorable.

( chiming )

( mysterious theme playing )

You know, baron,

Mr. Gordon here has
an extraordinary facility

for picking up errant
scraps of information.

Oh, sir.
So I have heard.

GRANT:
Indeed.

He picked up a significant piece
of information tonight.

Did you?

Well, something that
probably has to do

with the entertainment
you've planned, that's all.

And what would that be?

Merely that your chief
of international security,

Count Hackmar,

arrived in the United States
late this afternoon,

is on his way
to Washington.

This gentleman keeps you
well-informed, Mr. President.

And quite right,

Count Hackmar will be
our guest of honor.

Then I can assume

it's something
of extreme importance?

HINTERSTOISSER:
You can, sir.

So important that I want
everyone here,

including you, Mr. Gordon.

I want you to come.

I also want you
to bring your associate.

By the way,
where is Mr. West?

Well, Gordon?

Well, sir,
last time I saw him,

he was heading
for the garden.

What the devil for?

Uh, well, sir,
he said something

about wanting
to show the big dipper

to the daughter
of the Lithuanian ambassador.

Oh, I see.

No great tragedy,
Mr. President.

It is spring, after all.

Gruber, see if you can
rescue Mr. West

from the young lady's
clutches.

West is missing.
Find him.

I'm sorry, sir.
I was detained.

Where was he,
major?

With the daughter
of the Armenian ambassador.

Could have sworn
she was Lithuanian.

( chuckles )

Armenian, Lithuanian,

it doesn't matter,

as long as she was, uh,
attractive, ja?

You are invited to a reception
tomorrow, Mr. West.

I was just about to show
your honorable president

something quite special.

It's in here, gentlemen,

the, uh...

essence of tomorrow's

little entertainment.

No. No, no.

You'll just have to wait.

I am sure that you'll
enjoy it much more if it, uh,

it comes as a, uh,

complete surprise.

Ja.

So until the reception,
gentlemen...

you'll just have to wait.

( ominous theme playing )

You're going to drop
your hat, Mr. President.

I am?
Right now.

Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. West. Thank you.

Good night.

I will repeat your orders!

Do not let West and Gordon
out of your sight.

And if they start
sniffing about,

and they will,
I promise you,

stop them

any way

and by any means.

( horse hooves clacking )

What the devil
is that?

It's a series
of sequenced photographs.

Like the Kinetoscope shows

they have at the penny arcades,
Mr. President.

Those seem to be on a much
more highly developed scale.

But what for?

I have a sneaking suspicion
we'll find out what for

when we can run that off.

GRANT:
So now we know.
That's my office.

WEST:
Yes, sir, but there's
one slight mistake.

The portrait
of General Washington.

It's facing
the wrong way, sir.

By George, even I would
think that was me.

WEST:
Yes, sir. I don't know
where they got him,

but he could pass
as your twin brother.

Well,
enter Mr. Sumi Igo,

foreign minister of a nation
very much in the news today.

Look at that.

Actually, I've never
even met that man.

No, sir, but on the basis
of what we're seeing,

you'd have a difficult time

convincing
the rest of the world.

Now, what's that document
supposed to be?

It's just an idea,
Mr. President.

I'd say the United States

and the unsavory nation
of Mr. Sumi Igo

are entering into
a secret defense pact.

All of which will cause
the indignation and distrust

of the entire civilized world,

much to the glee
of Baron Hinterstoisser.

Whose country
would then proceed

to make political capital
of it all over the world.

The end.

Well, they'd believe it,
of course.

I'd even
believe it myself,

if I didn't know
it wasn't me.

It was a job
well done, West,

relieving that embassy
of their little peep show.

Thank you, sir.

I'm afraid it's not quite
that simple, Mr. President.

If Hinterstoisser opens
that box at the reception

and doesn't find this,

who do you think
he'll accuse?

Embassies are considered
foreign soil, Mr. President.

It's a very serious charge.

Then when they show
their duplicate film,

and I'm sure
they have several,

we'll look twice as bad, sir.

Well, what in the blue
super-heated blazes

are we going to do?

Well,
they're expecting a show.

I see no reason
to disappoint them,

right, Jim?

But if you do that--

Mr. President, it may not
be exactly the same show

the baron's expecting.

Well, the main problem
right now

is getting this back
into the security chambers

of Baron Hinterstoisser.

We don't have much time,
I'm afraid,

so if you'll excuse us,
Mr. President.

Wait.

Gentlemen, there's something
you should know.

In the past three months,

seven of our personnel
have gone into that embassy

for one security errand
or another.

Not one of them has returned.

They must be presumed dead.

That ought to lend
a certain interest

to the proceedings, sir.

( dramatic theme playing )

( western theme playing )

GORDON:
Two, three,

four, five--
Artie.

--six, seven--
I hate to interrupt you.

--eight, nine,

ten, eleven, twelve,

13, 14,

15, 16--

It's always the same,
16 seconds.

Artie, what history-making
demonstration is that?

It's my newest
chemical leach.

It has something the other
leaches don't have?

Oh, yeah. This is made
from a material

with so highly a refined
and adhesive compound

that it can support
a man's weight

up to 200 pounds
for 16 seconds.

Here, let me show you.

See, the material
is totally malleable,

yet you slam it against
a hard surface and it holds.

That's very impressive.
Thank you.

Here's the data
from Washington.

Oh, yeah.

"Embassy constructed 1852.

"Architect and builder,
Jasper P. Mantis.

"Additional subterranean
improvements, 1871.

Architect and builder
Elwood R. Quincy."

Quincy.

Isn't that the one
that built

the vaults
in the treasury building?

Right.

Well, three cheers
for the research department.

Have you checked on Quincy?

Quincy's dead.

But he had an office
here in Washington.

( mysterious theme playing )

( menacing theme playing )

( footsteps )

( suspenseful theme playing )

He must be here.
Search every place.

Bring him right over here.

Get him up.

Here you go, Tabby.
( meows )

Thattaboy.

So you left the four of them
in Quincy's office, huh?

Sleeping it off?
Yeah, sort of.

There were four security guards
from the embassy.

Artie.
Hmm?

when are you gonna get
rid of that cat?

Listen,
he stowed aboard in Denver.

I'm going to see
to it he gets home.

Can I see that photo?
Oh, certainly.

GORDON:
These are the boys who
did the job, all right.

Look at the date,
will you?

This must have been taken
the day they finished.

Well, from all the information
that we have,

Hinterstoisser
had them deported.

Artie, look at this.

WEST:
Well, there's proof at least
part of the information's wrong.

Five will get you ten,
he's a stonemason.

Look at the trowel
in his belt.

Yeah, that's it.

All you gotta do
is find him.

Me?
Yeah.

I got a date
with a photographer

about a Kinetoscope.

( mysterious theme playing )

Move,
and you die.

You're Dick January.

You don't say.
Who the devil are you?

James West.
I'm a secret service agent.

Is that supposed
to impress me?

I don't care whether
it impresses you or not.

I'll settle for some
small conversation.

Well, make it real small,
secret service agent,

then get out.

You take a good picture,
Mr. January.

You're confusing me
with another guy

who likes to mind
his own business.

Oh, I see. They must have done
a first-class job on you.

What are you
talking about?

Well, they worked you over,
didn't they?

Get out.

Why don't you keep
a night-light burning?

Maybe they won't
come back for you.

Mister, I'll let you
in on a little secret.

I've got a very special program.
You know what it is?

Why don't you tell me?

It's to stay alive, see.

It's not to get myself killed
over something

that don't put a penny
in my pocket

or add up to a row of beans
in my sweet life.

That's very interesting.

Here's another
interesting little item.

Yeah, they worked me over,
all right,

came close
to killing me.

Mr. Quincy was murdered.
I suppose you know that.

Yeah, I figured that.

He was scared all the time,
he was at the embassy too.

He must have known
it was coming.

Why'd they hire you when
the rest were all foreign?

They had a stonemason,
one of their own.

He was killed in a fall.

Mr. Quincy came to me
and asked me

if I wanted to make
some quick money.

When I said, "sure,"
that's when he warned me.

"Whatever you do," he said,

"keep your eyes to yourself
and don't ask any questions."

Can you draw a sketch
of the work you did for them?

It wouldn't help you none.
By the time I got there,

just about all the work
was finished,

except for a big dumbwaiter
I worked on in the kitchen.

A dumbwaiter
in the kitchen?

Yeah, Artie, from the kitchen
to the basement.

They said it was
for lowering garbage.

Why would they want to lower
garbage down to the basement

when you can carry
it right out the back door?

Exactly.
We can thank Mr. January

for some very
valuable information.

How about it, Artie,
you set?

All set, Jim.

( ticking )

What now, major?

Nothing.

As long as they're in there,
everything is fine.

( mischievous theme playing )

( crashing )

WEST:
Must be some kind
of abandoned well.

( suspenseful theme playing )

( suspenseful theme playing )

Who are you?

I am the new night chef,
Hans.

You mean you have not
been notified?

They never tell me
anything around here.

Well, don't stand there
like a statue.

Count Hackmar's due
at any moment.

Madame,
so I have been told.

Rice imperatrice
is his favorite dessert.

I can only hope
you know how to make it.

Madame,
rice imperatrice happens to be

my principle specialty.

As a matter of fact,

I will need some rice,
some flour, sugar--

Ah! Eggs,

some colored jellies,
some heavy cream,

and some kirschwasser.

First the kirschwasser,
huh?

You will find
it in the wine cellar.

I was hoping that you
would bring it to me.

Supervisors do not run errands
for night chefs.

Say that again.

Supervisors--

Why should
I say that again?

Because when you say
"supervisors,"

your nose crinkles up
in the most adorable way.

Did you know that?

Really?

Well, I didn't know. I...

Ooh!
And to think I resisted

this job transfer here
to America.

Well, I tell you what,
Hans.

I will get the kirschwasser,

you start to prepare
the eggs, ja?

Wonderful. Oh!

Uh, don't forget the brandy,
huh?

Brandy?
Rice imperatrice?

No, to toast the beginning
of what I know will be

a marvelous friendship.

Hans, you are a devil.
I can see that already.

( laughing )

WOMAN:
Liebste!

Hans, I was thinking
that we might--

Hans?

Liebste,
where are you?

( ticking )

WEST ( on recording ):
Artie, as many times

as you've shown me
that diagram,

I still don't understand
how you expect it to work.

GORDON ( on recording ):
Let's try it one more time,
all right?

WEST:
All right.

GORDON:
Now, you start by moving
to the wall.

Once you get there,

you have these two
obstacles right there.

WEST:
You mean here...

and here.
GORDON: Right.

( ominous theme playing )

( bell chiming )

( suspenseful theme playing )

( screaming )

Now we know what happened to
the seven men who disappeared.

Yeah.

Lucky for us
we didn't make it nine.

GORDON:
Now once those
are taken care of,

try the next move,
which is right over here.

WEST:
Artie, I understand
all that so far.

It's the next move
that I'm not sure about.

Well, the next move is really
the most complicated.

You see, you have to be
very careful

when you apply
the pressure.

See, you have
to be careful

with the amount
of pressure you use.

Assuming you maintain
the pressure correctly,

that still leaves you
one more major problem.

WEST:
Which is?

These swine!
I'll kill them.

GORDON:
It should show you
everything else

you need to know.
( meows )

Again, the whole thing depends

on how successful you are
at interpreting what--

( meowing )

( both coughing )

( gears grinding )

Blue's for the blades.

Yellow works the wall.

Leaves green and red.

Very impressive.

Uh...

Did it ever occur to you
that red might mean danger?

For instance?
For instance,

red for fire,
fire for explosion.

What would they
want to explode?

People who fool around
with their levers.

You're absolutely right,
Artie.

( door opening )

Red doesn't mean that.
It means security chamber.

( knocking on door )

Where is everyone out here?

Don't we have anyone
to open the door?

Didn't you hear the door?

Count Hackmar.

Welcome to the United States.

( ominous theme playing )

Psst.

Artie, why would they put
the heating plant

in the middle
of the security chamber?

Doesn't make sense,
does it?

No.

It's the end of the line
for the elevator.

Yeah.

Now all we need
is the box.

This will
warm your blood.

I don't like journeys,
Hinterstoisser.

Your reception
had better be worth

3,000 miles of travel.

It will be.
I stake my life on it.

To your health, Excellency,

and to the long-awaited
expansion

of our sovereign nation.

You should know,
Hinterstoisser,

that I have been
instructed to tell you

if things turn out
as well as anticipated,

you can expect
a significant promotion.

That comes straight
from the emperor himself.

It's incredible,

absolutely incredible.

I've never seen a safe
like this before in my life.

Neither have I.

The whole thing is held
locked by this,

tons of pressure.

That explains
the boilers.

Yeah.
We got problems, Jim.

I don't think we could
pry this open

with an elephant.

( dramatic theme playing )

Tons of steam pressure,
Jim,

forcing that piston
against the safe.

No steam, no pressure,
right, Artie?

Good luck.

( knocking on door )
Come in.

Mr. President, it's time
to dress for the reception.

Is there any word
from West or Gordon?

No, sir. None.

Thank you.

Open up.

( ominous theme playing )

Let go.

( chiming )

( whistles )

( bell chiming )

The reception's going
to start any minute.

We got to be there
with the president.

We can't go through
the kitchen.

There's no telling who
we might run into there.

( mysterious theme playing )

Jim.

The pipe.

You all set?

Yeah, Artie.

It's all yours, Jim.

( meows )

( coughing )

Ah, welcome to the embassy,
gentlemen.

You just leave your hats here
and take a seat in that room.

Ah, Mr. President,
gentlemen.

I was just about ready
to give you up.

Please.

Gentlemen,
please be seated.

Uh, you know what
this is all about?

( crowd murmuring )

You and I are about to change
the course of history.

Guard.

Gentlemen,
I'm very happy

that you could attend
this afternoon.

I have something
to impart to you

that I think will be
of great interest.

As you know,
my country has maintained

diplomatic relations
with the United States

for over 30 years.

This has not been
altogether easy.

On more than one occasion,

our patience
has been stretched

to the limits of endurance.

Only maturity
and great understanding

has kept us
from severing all ties.

( chatter )

Last week, however,

President Ulysses S. Grant
committed a deed

of such shocking magnitude

that we can no longer forgive,

we can no longer tolerate,

we can no longer endure.

Fortunately,
our agents were able

to catch General Grant
in the act.

And due to
the revolutionary advances

of our scientists
and technicians,

were able to capture
his unforgivable deed

and record it
for the archives of history.

( chatter )

I'll show it to you now.

Gruber.

( crowd murmuring )

I need hardly
point out

that the document
Mr. Igo is holding

is a secret agreement.

( audience laughing )

Something is wrong.

( laughing continues )

Stop it!
Stop it at once!

Don't bother.

You've gone this far,
let them see the rest

of your little comedy.

( audience laughing )

Well, well, baron.

I want to congratulate you

on a marvelously funny
piece of entertainment.

Now, I'm only sorry
my cabinet members

weren't here to see it.

( laughing )

( triumphant theme playing )

You have provided
the world

with some very
charming amusement.

Perhaps I can do
the same for you

when we return
to the homeland.

I'm just glad it's over.

To the good
Baron Hinterstoisser.

Wherever he is.

Artie, you know,
that reminds me.

I never did
congratulate you

on the marvelous
Kinetoscope performance.

Oh, thank you. Listen,

I've been giving
that a lot of thought.

Hmm.
Yeah, you know,

you remember how everybody
was laughing

when I pretended
to be the president?

Even I thought it was funny.
It was funny. So?

Well, I've been thinking.

Suppose now, just suppose,

that I made
another Kinetoscope,

only longer this time,
and we rented a hall.

I bet you people would
pay money to see that.

Pay money to see it?
Oh, come on, Artie.

A dime? A nickel?

Artie. Here,
Have another champagne.

It was just a thought.

I'm glad it was
just a thought, Artie.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat western theme playing )