The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Night of Montezuma's Hordes - full transcript

( mysterious theme playing)

(knock on door)

Come in.

Dr. Mallory?

Yes?

I'm Professor Johnson,

head of the
Archaeology Department

of the Territorial
Reserve University.

Oh, yes, professor.
Come in, come in.

(knock on door)

(keys jingling, lock clicks)



My name is James West.

I have an appointment
to see Dr. Mallory.

Thank you very much.

(knock on door)

JOHNSON: Come in.

Dr. Mallory?

( ominous theme playing)

No need to tell me who you are.

I've been impatiently
looking forward

to meeting you, Mr. West.

( upbeat western theme playing)

( mysterious theme playing)

Mr. West,

I'll be frank.



I'm a scientific goon.

I grub in rock and soil

and unearth artifacts
of past civilizations.

The point is, I know why

I have been asked
by our government

to undertake this
expedition, but, uh...

Why the Secret Service?

Well, uh, yes. Why?

The possibility of a
diplomatic incident

if anything should
happen to this treasure.

Ah, I see.

Yes. Yes, I can see how that
would be very awkward indeed.

As an archaeologist,

can you imagine how
excited I was to learn

that Montezuma's own
map had been uncovered

in the stacks of Mexico's
archives museum?

You're the authority.

What valuation would
you put on the treasure?

It's of incalculable
worth, of course.

Not even the legendary
riches of King Solomon's mines

compare with it.

But, uh, beyond the
dollars and cents valuation,

the archaeological
worth is staggering.

Hmm. The Aztecs.

The strange passion
of this vanished race

to worship beauty
by hiding it away

under the mask of
a hideous monster.

Look at this, for instance.

The mask of the
Sun Goddess, isn't it?

Yes, Mr. West. It is.

Huitzilopochtli.

It was always worn by the
most beautiful woman of the tribe.

A woman, so legend
has it, so incredibly lovely,

that her beauty had to be hidden
from the eyes of mere mortals.

Not much future in that for her.

Ah, but the rest of the
legend provides for that too.

From the remotest
point of the horizon,

the Sun God she waits
for eventually appears

and liberates her from
her mask prison and...

Oh, heh-heh.

I'm sorry. I, uh... I
get carried away.

Now, uh, let's get back to
Montezuma's map, if we may.

If I might, uh, examine
it for a moment?

Oh, I don't have it.

What? But you said...

Well, Colonel Sanchez, the
official Mexican representative

that's been assigned
to accompany us

is and will continue to
be custodian to the map.

Thank you for the wine.

Oh, well, I'll show you out.

Thank you.

Then it is to be a
combined expedition

of Mexico and the
United States? Yes, sir.

We'll meet Colonel Sanchez
next Wednesday at Eagle Pass.

Goodbye, doctor.

Oh, doctor, I'd like... I
must get back to my office.

Good night.

Good... Good...

( dramatic theme playing)

Nothing of value, I hope.

What? Great Scott.
Who cares, Mr. West?

You might have been killed.

There was that
distinct possibility.

Doctor.

(door opens)

(door closes)

( dramatic theme swells)

What were you
trying to get him on?

Listen, Slade, he
doesn't have the map.

We're meeting a Colonel Sanchez

in Eagle Pass on
Wednesday morning.

He has it.

Sanchez, huh?

All right, we'll ask
him for the map.

(sighs)

As long as you're being
the esteemed Dr. Mallory,

you might as well wear his ring.

( ominous theme playing)

(thumping)

Thank you, thank you.

GORDON (Swedish
accent): And all poor Olaf

can think to say
is, "Jingle jangle!"

(all laugh)

Oh, come on, listen,

the jokes is free, the
drinks are two bits each.

(all laugh)

Thank you, thank you.

Yeah. Yes, sir. Can I help you?

I'd like to see a menu, please.

A menu?

Oh, boy, we got nothing
but troublemakers

coming in all day today.

What you want to
see a menu for, sport?

I'd like to order some food.

I take it back.

You not just a
sport, you a hero.

(laughing)

All right,

we get something to eat.

There you are.

(whispering): Any gossip
about our little clambake?

(normal voice): No,
just undercurrents.

It's hard to tell whether
anyone really knows anything.

It's a very rough town.

Quite a few hard cases
in residence at all times.

Did Dr. Mallory
arrive? No, not yet,

but Mexico's contribution
to our little trek...

Colonel Sanchez, huh?

Uh-huh. Mexican war hero.

Aide to General Juárez
himself, during the war.

He's got a trunkful of medals
he earned the hard way.

(Swedish accent):
So this one flea

says to the other flea,
"Well, do you want to walk,

or would you
rather take the dog?"

(both chuckle)

Colonel Sanchez, I'm James West.

Señor West.

Of course.

I did not order this.

I took the liberty,
colonel. Salud.

Clumsy of me.

Well, colonel,
this is going to be

an interesting
expedition, isn't it?

Yes, Mr. West. I have no doubt

that your country's
genius for turning a profit

will assert itself
before we are through.

Colonel, the only thing that
my country is interested in

is returning your
national treasure

to your country, and that's all.

I am overcome by the nobility
of your sentiments, señor.

Colonel, what is troubling you?

Always we Mexicans have
to beg help from the gringo.

Shall I tell you what I
told General Juárez?

I said to him,

"Let us go out and find
our treasure ourselves,

"even if it is on gringo soil.

"And if anybody
north of the border

"should try to stop us,

we fight."

( dramatic theme playing)

(punching)

Good day, gentlemen.

Why don't you go back
and finish your drink?

Yeah, why don't I?

(grunting)

( action theme playing)

(horses whinny)

You all right?

I believe this is where

I am supposed to be
grateful for your help.

All in a day's work, colonel.

Good Lord, what happened?

Ah, I'd say we saw an attempt

to relieve Colonel Sanchez
of Montezuma's map.

Oh, this is, uh, Dr. Mallory
of the Houston Museum

who'll accompany
us. Colonel Sanchez.

Doctor.

And, uh, this is Mr. Slade, who
is in charge of my digging crew.

Lucky for the colonel,

you and the Swede there
come along when you did.

Well, I just happen to be in
the neighborhood, that's all.

Then we can take it for granted

that the map was not stolen.

(chuckles)

One cannot steal that
which one does not have.

The map has remained
behind in the archives museum...

after being committed
to memory...

here.

Now if you will excuse me.

Well, I'd better
find us a guide.

SLADE: A guide?

Uh, why do we
need a guide, doctor,

as long as the colonel
remembers his map?

Uh, you, uh... You really feel
that's, uh, necessary, Mr. West?

Doctor, I'm sure
the desert's changed

since that map was drawn up.

We're gonna have to find
water holes to stay alive.

Wouldn't you agree?

Makes sense, right, doctor?

Now what do we do?

What do we do?
Well, that's simple.

We just cut off Sanchez's head
and send it to a mind reader.

I guess we're gonna have to
take the Mexican along with us.

He just won't be making
a round trip, that's all.

He'll have West
with him, remember.

Yeah, I'm kinda looking
forward to having him along too,

part of the way. Yeah.

( suspenseful theme playing)

JOHNSON: Ninety, 100.

Ten, 20, 30, 40, 50.

A hundred and fifty
pesos, compadre.

That's a lot of money.

Yes, señor.

Is a lot of money,

but... But I cannot guide
you through the desert.

There are things out there.

Well, what kind of things, Juan?

Ghosts.

SLADE: All right.

I got the idea.

He wants the ante raised.

A hundred and
seventy-five pesos.

Deal?

Señores...

no, I cannot.

Two hundred pesos. Deal?

WEST: Slade,

he's not gonna go with us.

So much for your ideas.

That's the fourth Indian
that's headed for the hills

when we mention the
route we're gonna take.

It's getting to be
a habit, isn't it?

I say we go without a guide.

Who says you're running
things around here, Slade?

I'm gonna tell you
something, Mr. West...

MAN: Excuse me, gents,

but if it's a first-class,

seasoned guide
you're looking for...

You?

I sure didn't have nobody
else in mind, mister.

Do you know the
country to the north

and where the water holes are?

Like the back of my right hand.

You, uh, sure you're not afraid?

Well, of course I am.

For $200, I can't afford to be.

(laughs)

That's, uh, 200
pesos, old-timer.

Was pesos, sonny.

I just upped the
ante, you might say.

Well?

Well, gentlemen, we don't
have much choice. Agreed?

All right, ahem, agreed.

We'll assemble here
tomorrow morning at sunup.

Fine. Just inquire for
me right here at the bar.

Once we get out
there, it's gonna be

a long dry spell, you know?

(laughs)

Old-timer, let's talk
about what we'll need.

Why, sure.

Artie, I wish we
had hired a guide

who really knew where
those water holes were.

(normal voice): And that's
just what you did, Jim.

I spent this entire
day going around,

buying drinks for
every guide in town.

Now it belongs to posterity.

( tense theme playing)

(as guide): Well, there's
a Sweetwater outcropping

about half a day's
ride west of here.

Montezuma's map
takes us due north.

Oh, I don't think
he'll mind a detour.

We'll camp at the
water hole tonight,

get back on course tomorrow.

Let us mount up.

GORDON: All right.

Mount up, boys!

Mount up and move out!

Whoa.

GORDON: ♪ The sweetest gal ♪

♪ I ever saw ♪

♪ Was a-sippin' cider ♪

♪ Through a straw ♪
Esto es ambrosia, señor.

Well, thank you very much, sir.

Of course, eh,

the King of France
may get better grub,

but it is tasty, if I
do say so myself,

as I shouldn't. Hee-hee-hee!

How about you, Mr. Slade?

Well, you may as well take it.

It's the tail end of it, anyway.

It's too good to
throw out, anyways.

(chuckles)

♪ The sweetest gal ♪

♪ I ever saw ♪
Hey, old-timer.

♪ Was a-sippin' cider ♪
You, I'm talking to.

What do you call this slop?

Well, chuckwalla stew.
Why, don't suit you?

Smell it.

Oh, 'scuse me.

SANCHEZ: Rest, gentlemen.

I've had enough
of your bullying.

Ah, boys just having a
little horseplay, colonel.

Right, boys?

Sure.

We was just high
jinkin', that's all.

Artie?

Well, am I intruding?

(normal voice): No,
I was just thinking.

You know, if ever
the going got rough,

you know the one man
I'd like to see on our side?

Sanchez.

( eerie theme playing)

SANCHEZ: The
fingers of Tlazoltéotl.

The what?

The Aztec appreciation
of their earth mother,

their goddess of the night hour.

Turn it off, doctor.

Hey, Sanchez,

we getting close?

Yes, señor.

We are getting close.

Where do we go
from here, colonel?

Through that pass.

On the map, the Aztecs
called it "the cut in the fingers."

It is the edge of the world,
the beginning of no man's land.

Old-timer, where's
the next water hole?

(as guide): Well, I'd say
about a two days' ride due west,

over there by the canyon rim.

Let us go.

( mellow theme playing)

Are you troubled, sonny?

Old-timer, every
once in a while,

I feel like I'm being watched.

Well, now, I tell you, son,

that's nothing but a
pure case of nerves,

aggravated by
nothing but superstition,

which has no place
with modern man.

Confidentially, I feel
exactly the same way you do.

JIM: Old-timer.

Yeah, right here.

You're getting to be
very good at finding water.

(normal voice): That's not all I'm
getting to be good at finding. Look.

It's a fresh print.

I'd say it was Comanche,

except we all know
they wear moccasins.

Aztecs didn't.

(laughs)

That's an interesting notion.

Well, whoever it is,

they're keeping us under
very close surveillance.

I'd say.

( ominous theme playing)

The eye of Tonatiuh.

The Sun God.

We are following
the map directly.

Now we must
proceed toward Metztli.

This is the month of
Ozomatli, the howling monkey.

Now the face of Metztli
should be round and pale.

( spooky theme playing)

Jake, how about some
coffee for Mr. West?

Sure enough, boss.

Coffee, Mr. West? Thank you.

(chuckling)

SANCHEZ: Señores.

Señores, look.

The moon. Look at the moon.

Just as the map described.

One day's ride
from the treasure,

the moon will be seen resting
on the twin temples of the gods.

Then we're almost there.

(arrow whooshes, screams)

( dramatic theme playing)

Comanche.

(as guide): Aztec.

( dramatic theme swells)

(coyote howls)

Did you...? Did you see anybody?

GORDON: No.

Fella that was on the
other end of that arrow

was just the kind that would
just naturally not hang around,

if you ask me.

Well, did you give
the mortal remains

a decent burying? Sí, señor.

You know all the answers,
West. What's going on here?

Uh, we're being
followed and watched,

by whom and for what reason,

your guess is as good as mine.

Now, I suggest we break
camp and be on our way.

Still giving orders, huh?

You wanna put it
to a vote, Slade?

All right, let's break camp.

( ominous theme playing)

This is it, señores:

the canyon of
Montezuma's treasure.

From here, we go by foot.

SLADE: How do we get up there?

We climb up.

There must be some other way.

No, doctor. There
is no other way,

except to climb up that cliff.

The Aztecs hid the
treasure well and protected it.

This is where they used to live.

Ridiculous.

How did they get
up those sheer walls?

They're as slick as hog fat.

Looks to me like they
built steps going up the cliff,

climbed up them and
broke 'em off by hand.

Hand me my rifle, will you?

( playful theme playing)

All right. Let's go.

Old-timer, get my
rifle up after me.

( tense military theme playing)

SANCHEZ: The map
indicates a cave nearby,

and these skulls are supposed
to point toward the entrance.

( spooky theme playing)

The jade snake.
Symbol of the Aztecs.

JOHNSON: Look
at the eyes: rubies.

Priceless.

(screams)

Old-timer, the source of
the footprints on the trail.

I liked the footprints better.

(speaking native language)

Everybody, give them your guns.

(gunshots)

(grunts)

(speaking native language)

(gong gongs)

( mystical theme playing)

(speaking native language)

(speaking native language)

Señores, you may be
interested to know that as a result

of the chief's order, we
will all shortly be killed.

All right, young fellow,
what do we do now?

I'm going through the motions

of an old, ancient Aztec legend.

I can't think of
anything else to do.

(exhales)

(speaking native language)

(speaking native language)

Nice going, young fellow.

That's the number one goddess.

(sighs)

It was a brave thing
to do, Señor West.

And because of it,
we will not all be killed.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

She says just two of us

to match the two
Aztecs we killed.

So which two?

She said it would be up to us

to select which two.

(speaking native language)

(door slams)

How do you like
the decor, Artie?

Well, sure. Early catacomb.

Where'd you get that?

Leave me alone.

How are you gonna decide
which two we give to the Aztecs?

There is only one way:

by drawing lots.

No, I got a better idea.

We'll use the, uh,
democratic process.

Right, boys? We'll vote.

Now, all those in
favor of choosing West

and his newfound friend
here, raise your hands.

Those opposed...

You cannot do this.

Dr. Mallory, you must not.

WEST: Save your breath, colonel.

For the longest time,
I've had a strong feeling

that Dr. Mallory,
wherever he is,

is not in attendance
at this meeting.

That's right. I killed Mallory.

I don't understand.

Yeah, neither do I.

If you killed Mallory,
who are you?

My name is Johnson.

Henry Johnson.

He used to be a
first-rate archeologist

till he became an
even better drunk.

I pick him up off the
floor of a saloon in Laredo.

All right, let's
get it over with.

No, I will not let you. Ungh!

SLADE: Move.

(knocking on door)

Here are your two men.

( ominous theme playing)

GORDON (normal
voice): What beats me

is why they'd have
to truss us up like this.

I don't know where they
think we're going, anyway.

Hey, Artie, know what this
is that's holding our wrists?

It's solid jade.

What do you think of that?

That makes me feel
a whole lot better.

Under other
circumstances, I'd be...

(rumbling)

Hear that, Artie?

Yeah.

Jim. The ceiling.

(rumbling continues)

( ominous theme swells)

(rumbling)

(small explosion)

(inaudible dialogue)

GORDON: Ungh. Okay.

It's fresh air.

Must be a corridor
on the other side.

All right, let's get outta here.

We don't need you anymore.

(glass shatters)

Slade.

(lock clicks)

( suspenseful theme playing)

(crack)

(speaking native language)

(speaking native language)

They think we're gods.

No one's ever lived through
Montezuma's revenge before.

They think we're evil gods.

They think we've
come to kill them.

We've gotta convince them
that we're... That we're friendly.

We're friendly gods.

Friends.

Friends.

Friends?

Uh-huh.

Well, I, uh, ahem, guess
I better get Sanchez

out of that pokey, huh?

(distant chanting
in native language)

Listen.

(Slade shushes)

(chanting)

(speaking native language)

(crash, man screams)

I'm king! I'm king!

That's it!

(speaking native language)

He said that long ago
that people were murdered

by Cortés and his soldiers,

but that you are different.

You have protected them
from the real enemies,

whom you have killed
with your own hands.

For this, they are grateful.

He ask one more favor of us:

to go and leave them
in peace with that

which belongs to them,

the treasure of their ancestors.

Go, he tells us,
never to return.

I will inform her
that President Juárez

will probably
decide in their favor.

What about your
president, señores?

The courage and
nobility of these people

is a far greater treasure
than any we came to see.

I'm sure that President
Grant will agree

that anything we have
found here will remain a secret

till the Aztecs
want it differently.

Gracias, señores.

(speaking native language)

(speaking native language)

I have been instructed
that we can take from here

anything we wish to have,

as a token of their
gratitude and friendship.

Anything?

Eh, no, Jim, it'll never work.

Uh, tell them that we will

take their gratitude only.

(speaking native language)

( upbeat western theme playing)

There you are, colonel,

and if you should have
the urge to spill your drink...

Señor West...

don't do it on that plush sofa.

It stains very easily.

Señores, please.

You remind me of something
I am ashamed to remember.

Now I am honored to
raise my glass to yours

as a fellow compadre.

The feeling's mutual.
It's good to see.

Ahhh.

I'd like to offer a
toast, if I might now,

to Dr. Johnson and
Slade and his bully boys

all safely behind bars.

Mm.

I'll never forget that trip
into Montezuma's province,

things about it I
could never forget.

Yeah, I know what you mean.
She was lovely, wasn't she?

Yeah, Artie, she was.

All right, then, a
toast to Tezcatlipoca,

the Sun Goddess.

Señores, again you
remind me of something

which I have forgotten.

A gift from the lady
we are discussing.

Before we left the
castle of Montezuma,

she asked me to give it to you.

How nice of h...

Artie, I think right here

would be an
appropriate place for this.

Yeah.

Friends.

Friends.

Well, gentleman, what
do you say to dinner?

Mmm.

( mystical theme playing)

Friends.

( upbeat theme playing)

( upbeat western theme playing)