The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Night of the Assassin - full transcript
West and Gordon accompany the Ambassador to Mexico who's trying to establish diplomatic ties with them which has not been going so well. They attend a festival wherein the Mexican President makes an appearance while riding in his carriage. West sees a sniper so he throws a wrench in the plan. He and Gordon try to get the shooter but he gets away but they get the his accomplice whom they recognize as an American criminal. They keep the Mexicans from finding him because as mentioned the Ambassador's mission has not been going well and if word gets out that an American tried to kill the President that will surely kill the Ambassador's mission. So they try to find the shooter and find out what he knows. But the Mexicans get him and take him to a prison where a Colonel Barbosa who is knows as Colonel Arsenic because he's skilled at making anyone talk. West and Gordon goes to see the man with Gordon disguised as the man's father. He talks to the man who will tell all but first wants to be brought back to the U.S. So West and Gordon plan an escape but the Colonel catches them.
( upbeat Latin theme playing)
(bells tolling)
(people laughing
and talking indistinctly)
(speaking in Spanish)
Señoras.
Señores.
And in honor of our
distinguished guests,
our president will
soon make his speech
in the plaza mayor.
But before we
adjourn to the balcony,
I would like to
propose a double toast.
To Don Benito Juarez,
Presidente de la
República Mexicana.
And to the ambassador
of our dear friends
from the North,
Señor Griswold.
Hear, hear. Hear.
To El Presidente Juarez.
Indeed.
( suspenseful theme playing)
(crowd cheering)
( Western theme playing)
( suspenseful theme playing)
Artie, throw me the bottle.
(people clamoring)
(police whistle blowing)
(gunshot)
(people screaming
and yelling indistinctly)
(grunts)
(screams)
(water splashes)
Ah, the poor guy never
learned how to swim.
Ah, the padre got away too.
(sighs): The only thing
left is to call the police.
Well, wait a minute.
I'm not too sure.
Look at his face.
WEST: He's an American.
ARTIE: Not only that.
WEST: Artie, that's Calico Jack.
Sure isn't a very
tidy guy either,
is he?
Why would an American
want to assassinate
the president of Mexico?
All the shots missed
President Juarez.
(sighing): But his minister
of the interior wasn't so lucky.
He's dead.
Jim, did you get a
good look at the sniper?
Was he an American too?
(sighs): I don't know.
He could have been an American.
All I know is I saw a
man in a priest costume.
Hmm... then for the moment,
we must assume that
he was an American.
And that, gentlemen, means
that we have a critical problem.
You see, my mission here
has been a total failure.
Juarez refused even
to appoint a commission
to study the border problem.
Two hours later, he's
almost assassinated.
Well, there's not
necessarily any connection
between the two, sir.
We know that.
Now how do we convince
the Mexican government?
By finding the man
who hired the gunman.
Well, there's one
man that knows that.
Yeah, the sniper.
Hey, we better get to
him before the police do.
Yeah, but first we better
hide Calico Jack's body
from the police.
ARTIE: I could see to that.
WEST: Good, I'll
hunt for the sniper.
No, no. For you to engage
in any activity such
as that on Mexican soil
violates all the diplomatic
rules in the book.
No, I can't allow
a mission like that.
Martial law has been declared.
No one may enter
or leave this town.
That could be inconvenient.
MAN: No, please, señores.
My house is your house.
You're very gracious,
Don Thomas.
But Mr. West has his private car
on the site. Oh, that's
out of the question.
Curfew has been declared.
Anyone found on
the streets after dark
will be arrested or shot.
GRISWOLD: Diplomatic immunity?
DON THOMAS: No, no,
no. That is impossible.
In that case, your
generous hospitality
is deeply appreciated.
(sighs): Oh, I'm quite
relieved. Please excuse me.
I have other
things to attend to.
(sighing)
That settles it, boys.
Those soldiers out there
are trigger-happy right now.
When it gets dark, they'll be
shooting at anything that moves.
I refuse to allow
you to risk your lives
by leaving this house.
That sound like a
direct order to you?
What?
Funny, I can't
remember what he said.
I can't remember
either, Artie. Good.
The powder on Calico's
trousers, what was it?
Potter's clay.
That could be the beginning.
( suspenseful theme playing)
(horses gallop)
(knocking on door)
(knocking on door)
who's there?
Perrico. Quickly!
What are you doing here?
You know you might
have been followed?
Followed... by who?
Not even dogs and
cats are out tonight.
Only soldiers.
Well, than all the more
reason to stay clear.
(scoffs): But they're only
in the next street, amigo.
And they're searching
from house to house.
You must leave.
Leave?
(sighs): You know there's
no place I can go in this town.
That's not my concern, señor.
If they find you here,
they'll shoot me too.
What do you want? More money?
(sighs): No, I just want to live
so I can spend what I have.
Get out, quickly!
You double-crosser!
(gasping)
(speaking in Spanish)
No names!
You go, before I remember
you tried to assassinate
the presidente.
(sighs): All right...
amigo.
But if I get of
out this alive...
..I'm gonna be back for you.
( dramatic theme playing)
Buenas noches, padre.
What are you talkin' about?
I ain't no padre.
You were for a few
moments this aft...
( tense theme playing)
(both grunting)
(both gasping)
Either me or the soldiers,
and all you get
from them is a bullet.
Yeah, and what
do I get from you?
First, some questions.
And?
That depends on the answers.
All right.
(woman screams)
( suspenseful theme playing)
There were two of
them. Find the other one.
WOMAN: Quién es?
Who is there?
Buenas noches, señorita.
( suspenseful theme playing)
Where is he? He got away.
Don't be a fool,
there's no place to go!
How could he get away?
Did you look in there?
No, sir. It's locked.
Well, smash it. You!
( Western theme playing)
( suspenseful theme playing)
All right, let's go.
(door closes)
Gracias, señorita.
You've been a good
neighbor. But... I must leave.
Señor...
Hm. For nada.
I guess that means it's over.
(door closes)
Is he dead?
SOLDIER: No, sir, he
has a bullet in his left leg,
but he'll live.
BARBOSSA: He may
live to regret he didn't die.
Form a detachment.
Escort the assassin
to the prison at Avalos.
Yes, sir.
BARBOSSA: And
lieutenant? SOLDIER: Sir.
BARBOSSA: If for any reason...
Any reason at all
he is not delivered to Avalos,
you will be.
March.
(sighing): Now, look here, Jim.
Didn't I tell you and Artie
not to leave that house?
Well, I... I just
don't remember, sir.
Did you? No, no,
of course you don't remember.
Did you talk to him?
Did he say anything?
(sighs)
We didn't get that far, sir.
I know it's a
terrible thing to ask,
but, uh, is there a chance
that the bullet... killed him?
(sighs)
No, sir. He was
wounded in the leg.
I saw him carried
off on a stretcher.
There was absolutely
nothing I could do about it.
Time is running out.
We've got to talk to him.
I'm afraid that that would
be most difficult, señores.
The only talking
Halverson will do
is to Colonel Arsenic.
For me? Thank you.
Halverson? (sighs): Yeah.
Help yourself. Yeah.
You know the local
files at that constabulary
aren't half bad?
The man we're looking
for is Frank Halverson.
Hard-cased gunman
out of Abilene.
And this, uh, Colonel Arsenic?
Arsenio Barbossa.
The... gentleman who runs
all of the local proceedings
around here.
From what I hear
down at the plaza,
nobody refuses to talk to him.
At least not for long.
Where did they take Halverson?
Maximum-security
prison at Avalos.
Completely incomunicado.
Not even a lawyer can see him.
I'll make an official
protest to president Juarez.
When you see Juarez,
ask for a prison pass.
For you?
No, no.
For Halverson's father.
A fine, old Texas gentleman
who may not have long
to live.
Well, are you...
Are you sure
Halverson has a father?
(old man's voice): Well,
he's gonna have one now.
Don't you worry
none about that, son.
(sighs)
Mr. Halverson.
(laughs): My apologies, sir.
That's perfectly
all right, sonny.
(Griswold laughs)
(man screaming)
( suspenseful theme playing)
Did the prisoner confess, sir?
Oh, yes. He was
very cooperative.
He freely admitted giving
shelter and sanctuary
to the American assassin.
(laughs)
We have all the evidence
we need for his execution.
Bring down Halverson.
(gasping and grunting)
Come on!
Señor Halverson.
You and I are going to have
a nice, long
heart-to-heart talk.
Y... But... I... No, señor.
First, I will talk,
then you will talk.
(chuckles)
But... let us examine
the possibility
to begin with...
that when it comes to your turn,
you will not be in the
mood for conversation.
That happens from
time to time, of course.
But in your case, señor,
that would be most unfortunate.
(chuckles)
Uh, let us say that
despite all our urgings...
you still prefer
not to engage in
friendly dialogue.
Then, señor...
against all my humane instincts,
I will be forced to...
MAN: Colonel.
A thousand pardons.
Señor West is waiting
outside to see you
with an older
man, also a gringo.
Señor West.
I find that curious.
Bring him down here, lieutenant.
(speaks in Spanish)
Guard.
Bring this man back to his cell.
You'll forgive me
if I keep you waiting
a little longer, no?
(Artie mumbling
indistinctly in old man voice)
Oh, there you are.
Now, lookie here, captain.
I want to tell you something.
I want... Welcome, Mr. West.
I am Colonel Arsenio Barbossa.
I've heard about you, colonel.
I'm flattered.
May I return the compliment.
I have a rather
large dossier on you.
(sighs)
But it's by no means thorough.
If I can cut through all
this here lollygagging...
Uh, this is Leroy
Halverson, colonel.
He's from Texas.
Halverson...
Any relation to...
His daddy, by
dingy-bang thunder!
I'm here to take my son home!
(sighs)
Pity. Quite impossible.
Im... Impossi... What do
you mean, impossible?!
I'm here, ain't I?!
Señor Halverson,
somewhere, somehow, you
have forgotten something.
You are no longer in Texas.
No one may visit the
prisoner without a direct order
from the president of Mexico.
(grunts)
As it happens, colonel,
he has that direct order.
It seems to be quite proper.
You may spend 15 minutes
with your son.
Fifteen... Well, thank
you very much, captain.
You're a very generous man.
Gotta come visit me
in Texas sometime.
Give you a whole
hour to get out of there.
Señor.
(grunts)
(mumbles indistinctly)
gonna take that boy
and get him out of here,
and there's gonna
be nothin' gonna...
Gonna... hold me back.
I'll tell you this...
(pages rustling)
(sighing): Ah.
Señor West, it
appears my dossier
on the assassin Halverson
is not thorough, either.
It states here that his father
was trapped in a mine cave-in
in Las Cruces, New Mexico
on May 3, 1857...
and is presumed dead.
Presumed dead.
Actually, he was only missing.
And they haven't seen each other
in all these years.
Should be a very
touching reunion.
Now then, what can I do to
amuse you for 15 minutes?
Oh, I'm sure, colonel,
that you have more
important things to do.
Mm.
More pressing, perhaps.
Would you care to
read your own dossier?
No, thank you,
colonel. I've lived it.
Hm.
(man screams)
I haven't.
Would you step
over here, please?
That's the man
who provided refuge
for Señor Halverson's
fun-loving son.
But in the end, he saw
the error of his ways,
and he confessed.
(West sighs)
They all do, don't
they, colonel?
(old man's voice): Son!
What have they done to you?
No, son, you're
not seeing a ghost.
It's your old pa.
Pa?
That's right, son.
Uh, just let me...
rest my old bones, here.
Set them down on...
(grunting): yeah
this here stool, a minute.
(normal voice): Then we can get
down to brass tacks, Halverson.
(breathing heavily):
All right, old man...
who in the blue blazes are you?
(whispering): I came
to make a deal with you,
and I'm not an old man.
Deal?
Maybe you're new here.
Maybe you never heard
of Colonel Barbossa.
I heard of him.
Well, you should have
seen what he did to Perrico.
MAN: Ready...
(gun cocks)
aim...
fire.
(gunshot)
( dramatic theme playing)
He's better off dead.
(gasping)
Now, you manna know
who hired me, right?
That's right.
All right. I'll tell you...
In Texas.
Or I'll tell that colonel
in that torture chamber.
Whichever comes first.
Now, look, Halverson,
we'll get you the best
lawyers in Mexico.
We'll see to it... I
don't want a lawyer.
Lawyer ain't gonna do me
no good in here. I want out!
Now look, I don't
care how you do it,
but you get me out of here
before that butcher
goes to work on me!
Keep your voice down.
'Cause I'm gonna
talk to somebody.
And when I start
naming names, boy,
things are gonna
pop all over this place.
Who's gonna believe
you without proof?
Oh, I got that, too.
I got a letter from the big man.
Somebody way up there.
Who?
I'll tell you in Texas.
What kind of a letter?
I'll tell you that too...
in Texas.
GUARD: It's time.
( tense theme playing)
(old man's voice):
Eh... all right.
Don't you worry none, son.
Your old pa will
look after things.
(sighs): Just... don't worry.
We'll get you outta here.
(whispers): Take that pill.
It will put you to
sleep for eight hours.
Even Barbossa can't
torture a sleeping man.
GUARD: Señor.
(old man voice): Yeah, yeah.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Uh, you don't worry a bit, son.
I'll be back to get
you out of here
if I have to come
up with a whole...
passel of Texas rangers,
by dingy-bang thunder.
Don't worry none.
(mumbles): Miserable, no good...
( dramatic theme playing)
Well, there you have it, Jim.
We gotta get Halverson
out of that pokey, but fast.
Artie, if we could
get the letter
that Halverson told you about,
that would clean
up the whole deal.
Yeah. He sure
didn't have it on him.
Where do we start looking?
Let's try the most
obvious place.
( suspenseful theme playing)
(sighs)
You ever get the
feeling that, uh,
people were looking
at you kind of funny?
Ah, señorita.
Fate keeps throwing us together.
But don't your, uh, friends
know it's not polite to point?
Señor,
let me assure
you of three things.
(sighing): One: The gun
that is being pointed at you...
is loaded.
And two: My... My men
will not hesitate to shoot you
if you give them cause.
And, uh... And three:
I find myself less
and less amused
at your insolence.
Now, you stand there.
It's the old one I
want to speak with.
Old? Well, now, you
look here, pumpkins.
You... give me some respect,
if you please. Oh,
quiet, papasito.
Reply only to my questions.
Over there.
Well, I ain't heard
nary a one yet... so far.
( tense theme playing)
Enough.
Now... I want to know
what your son said to you.
Oh, that.
Well, he was real
anxious to know
how the new herd was
doing with its grazing
over on the west 40.
You know, we got us
as fine a herd of cattle
as you've ever seen.
Watch out with that
toad sticker, little lady.
WOMAN: Old man, you
are very close to death.
(sighs): We both
know why you are here.
Now, tell me where
your son hid that letter!
All right, then. Listen to this.
No cause for you to be...
getting that upset
about it, is there?
No, because when...
When you get
upset, we get upset,
and there's... no telling
who might wind up getting upset.
( dramatic theme playing)
(all grunting)
(sighing)
Well...
in the face of vastly
superior numbers,
I would say the enemy withdrew.
( light-hearted theme playing)
Would you, uh, call this
a smashing victory for us?
Mm-hm. Yeah.
Artie, did you forget
why we came here?
Oh, yeah, the letter.
(sighs): Well...
can't have everything.
(sighs)
Oh, with all this debris...
if the letter ever was here,
I don't know how
we'd ever find it.
El Presidente Benito Juarez.
Eh, must have got
shifted in the fracas.
(grunts)
No, it didn't, Artie.
It's nailed down.
Nailed crooked.
Somebody must have
done that in an awful hurry.
Eureka.
The letter to Halverson.
"and for security reasons,
I have changed the lock.
"That's why I
enclosed the new key.
"The meeting will still be
this Thursday, midnight,
"at which time we
will finalize plans
to eliminate Juarez."
That's all?
You noticed, I'm sure, sir,
that there's no signature.
But the key the
letter mentions...
It wasn't enclosed.
No signature on the letter.
No key.
And who is this preposterous
female and her gunmen?
What's she got to
do with this case?
Well, aside from the fact
that she wears
tangerine lipstick...
And wields a knife with style.
Uh, we don't know
a thing about her, sir.
(sighs)
The letter is worthless.
We must get
Halverson's testimony.
Well, you know his terms, sir.
He'll open up only
after we get him out
of Colonel Arsenic's pokey
and back onto American soil.
(sighs): And that is
obviously impossible.
I wouldn't say so, sir.
Thanks for the ride, padre.
(fake Mexican accent):
Vaya con dios, gringo.
( suspenseful theme playing)
I have come for
the mortal remains
of Perrico Mendoza.
Uh, which way is
the, um... fiesta?
You, guard. What are you doing?
I asked you a question.
What are you doing down here?
Turn around when
your commanding officer
speaks to you.
Turn around!
Señor West.
( dramatic theme playing)
You've broken into Avalos
to rescue a compatriot.
Are the visiting
hours over, colonel?
Incredible.
You've performed a feat
of unparalleled brilliance.
It's not possible,
and yet there you are.
It will be an honor to
grant your last request
before your execution.
But I haven't confessed.
Well, that will come later.
In any event,
After a few sessions in
my private confessional...
you will beg to confess.
March.
(sighs)
(chuckles)
I could easily have killed you,
but why should I be kind?
(snaps fingers)
First, the torture chamber.
(grunting)
( dramatic theme playing)
Oh, boy, am I glad
you weren't asleep.
(grunting)
Uh, Jim, give me
a hand with this,
will you? It's heavy.
(grunts): It will be a
lot heavier going out.
We'll never get
out of this alive.
I don't know why I'm
going through with it.
Because it beats being executed
by a country mile.
Look, I don't even
think I can climb that wall
with this leg.
Just get in the box.
I'll climb the wall.
What?
Get in the box.
Oh, no.
Uh-uh, I'm not gonna
get in that thing.
That... That... That
cell was small enough.
It's either the box or the
colonel's confessional.
(sighs): Look, I'll
suffocate in there.
You want to know who hired me,
you get me out some other way.
(sighs)
What do you think, Artie?
(grunting)
Very well, then.
(gasps)
(grunts)
(hoarsely): Guard! Guard!
All right. Now, listen.
I'll unload this thing
at that... dry wash.
Then I'll lay a false trail
with the horse and wagon.
You, uh, better get down
to him as soon as you can
and let him out.
Artie? Yeah?
How long do you think he
can really live in this box?
I'd say about half an
hour, if he doesn't panic.
(sighs)
Well, care to be a pallbearer?
(grunting)
Artie, what are
you doing in there?
(gasps)
(mumbles indistinctly)
(grunts): Get up.
That... silly...
little hot tomato
and her powerful
peons, that's how.
(grunts)
Not again.
Yeah, again.
You know, I hate to say it,
but I'm working
up a violent dislike
for that tomato.
Did Halverson leave with her?
Oh, he had no choice.
I'm sure he never
saw her before.
(sighs)
Well, we'll never see him again.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
He doesn't even
know who hired him.
Oh, come on, Artie.
No.
He was looking right
down my gun barrel
when he swore that
the man who hired him
sat in the shadows and
never once showed his face.
Incidentally, the
fee for killing Juarez?
$10,000.
Not in advance. No.
Halverson was to go to the
place where he was hired.
Where is that?
We never got around to it.
Did you find the key? No,
but I do know where it is.
We did get around to that
before that... pimento
had me bushwhacked.
(sighs): Come on. He'll
tell her the same story.
Let's get that key.
Right.
( suspenseful theme playing)
This is what you're looking for.
(strong accent): Yes, that's it.
May I have it, please?
(sighs)
I'm prepared to bargain.
What are you offering?
The whereabouts of your friend,
Mr. Artemus Gordon.
I'm right over here, sugar.
And pointing a gun at you.
(laughs)
I guess it's what you
call a Yankee standoff.
(chuckles): Yes.
It does, doesn't it?
Why don't you start
the conversation?
I am Colonel Lupita
Gonzalez, of le guarde federal.
The Mexican secret service.
Now, I must insist you
turn that key over to me.
Oh, why don't we bargain?
(sighing): What do you want?
The name of the man who
plotted the assassination.
Halverson did not know.
The meeting took place
in the house of a third party.
The conspirator remained
always in the shadow.
He never revealed his
identity to Halverson.
That's what Halverson says.
I made certain
he told the truth.
I'm sure you did.
Where is he now?
My men have him.
(sighs)
Uh, Halverson told you
what lock this key opens,
didn't he?
Yes.
Then why don't you tell me?
No.
I'll show you.
You got a bargain.
( dramatic theme playing)
( suspenseful theme playing)
Go on in, Jim.
The colonel and I
will cover for you.
Señor, we give you five minutes.
(bell tolling)
(bell tolls louder)
You know, Mr. West,
that secret staircase
dates back to the
conquistadores.
I had no idea the
house was that old.
(laughs): Oh, yes.
It was built over 250 years ago.
(sighs): I have tried to
keep it in its original form.
I imagine an escape
route would come in handy
in your line of work.
My line?
Assassinations.
You did hire Halverson
to kill Juarez, didn't you?
(laughs): Oh, Mr. West.
I am not that ambitious.
I am not active
enough for such a role.
My only contribution
to the conspiracy
was to bring certain
people together.
Halverson, for one.
Then who was the
man in the shadow?
( dramatic theme playing)
I would rather not divulge that.
If he wants to reveal
his, uh, identity...
he is welcome to do so.
I'd like to meet your friend.
You've met him already.
More than once.
The question is now,
what will come
out of this meeting?
Well, one of us isn't
gonna leave here alive,
is that right?
It is right...
Señor West.
(cocks gun)
Colonel Arsenic.
Oh, I'm sorry, colonel.
I just thought you'd
like to know the name
your friends and
admirers call you by.
Again I should have
shot you in the back.
But I couldn't resist the urge
to watch the look of
astonishment on your face.
And now you disappoint me.
You'll get over that. (sighs)
Your nerves really
are very good.
It must be that.
I can't believe
you knew it was I.
Where is Halverson?
I couldn't tell you, colonel.
He escaped from me too.
Oh, you'll tell me.
Before I'm through with you,
you'll tell me things I
don't even want to know.
I'll tell you one
thing for sure.
Mexican security police
have surrounded this place.
Front door, back door
and, uh, secret door.
That isn't so,
colonel. That isn't!
Impossible. No one suspects me.
Everyone knows you
wanna be president.
But you only get
one shot, colonel,
and you've had that.
Lieutenant.
These are my security
men. Where are yours?
Right here, Colonel Arsenic.
( tense theme playing)
(all grunting)
We do our own
housecleaning, Mr. West.
There.
Now, how about a toast?
That's a good idea, Artie.
(sighs): Colonel...
to the memory of
when we first met,
when I kissed you.
As I recall,
I followed that up
by slapping you.
True.
But the first memory
overwhelms the second.
Yeah, what about me? I
have no memories at all.
(clears throat)
(sighs)
(sighs): Well, I
feel much better.
How about some dinner, eh?
I hope you don't mind
us being just a threesome.
Of course not,
since my bodyguard
will make it a foursome.
Your bodyguard is here?
Waiting outside.
(gasps)
Oh, Lieutenant Ramirez
attends me everywhere I go.
Well, uh, surely, you
can make an exception
on a festive occasion
like this, can't you?
My dear Artemus...
I wouldn't dream of it.
Huh.
Teniente.
( light-hearted theme playing)
Sí, mi coronel?
Lieutenant Ramirez,
Señor James West.
(sighs): Lieutenant.
GONZALEZ: And
Señor Artemus Gordon.
Señores.
Encantado.
(sighs)
After all, Artie, there's
nothing wrong with
taking a lonely
soldier to dinner.
(groans)
( Western theme playing)
(bells tolling)
(people laughing
and talking indistinctly)
(speaking in Spanish)
Señoras.
Señores.
And in honor of our
distinguished guests,
our president will
soon make his speech
in the plaza mayor.
But before we
adjourn to the balcony,
I would like to
propose a double toast.
To Don Benito Juarez,
Presidente de la
República Mexicana.
And to the ambassador
of our dear friends
from the North,
Señor Griswold.
Hear, hear. Hear.
To El Presidente Juarez.
Indeed.
( suspenseful theme playing)
(crowd cheering)
( Western theme playing)
( suspenseful theme playing)
Artie, throw me the bottle.
(people clamoring)
(police whistle blowing)
(gunshot)
(people screaming
and yelling indistinctly)
(grunts)
(screams)
(water splashes)
Ah, the poor guy never
learned how to swim.
Ah, the padre got away too.
(sighs): The only thing
left is to call the police.
Well, wait a minute.
I'm not too sure.
Look at his face.
WEST: He's an American.
ARTIE: Not only that.
WEST: Artie, that's Calico Jack.
Sure isn't a very
tidy guy either,
is he?
Why would an American
want to assassinate
the president of Mexico?
All the shots missed
President Juarez.
(sighing): But his minister
of the interior wasn't so lucky.
He's dead.
Jim, did you get a
good look at the sniper?
Was he an American too?
(sighs): I don't know.
He could have been an American.
All I know is I saw a
man in a priest costume.
Hmm... then for the moment,
we must assume that
he was an American.
And that, gentlemen, means
that we have a critical problem.
You see, my mission here
has been a total failure.
Juarez refused even
to appoint a commission
to study the border problem.
Two hours later, he's
almost assassinated.
Well, there's not
necessarily any connection
between the two, sir.
We know that.
Now how do we convince
the Mexican government?
By finding the man
who hired the gunman.
Well, there's one
man that knows that.
Yeah, the sniper.
Hey, we better get to
him before the police do.
Yeah, but first we better
hide Calico Jack's body
from the police.
ARTIE: I could see to that.
WEST: Good, I'll
hunt for the sniper.
No, no. For you to engage
in any activity such
as that on Mexican soil
violates all the diplomatic
rules in the book.
No, I can't allow
a mission like that.
Martial law has been declared.
No one may enter
or leave this town.
That could be inconvenient.
MAN: No, please, señores.
My house is your house.
You're very gracious,
Don Thomas.
But Mr. West has his private car
on the site. Oh, that's
out of the question.
Curfew has been declared.
Anyone found on
the streets after dark
will be arrested or shot.
GRISWOLD: Diplomatic immunity?
DON THOMAS: No, no,
no. That is impossible.
In that case, your
generous hospitality
is deeply appreciated.
(sighs): Oh, I'm quite
relieved. Please excuse me.
I have other
things to attend to.
(sighing)
That settles it, boys.
Those soldiers out there
are trigger-happy right now.
When it gets dark, they'll be
shooting at anything that moves.
I refuse to allow
you to risk your lives
by leaving this house.
That sound like a
direct order to you?
What?
Funny, I can't
remember what he said.
I can't remember
either, Artie. Good.
The powder on Calico's
trousers, what was it?
Potter's clay.
That could be the beginning.
( suspenseful theme playing)
(horses gallop)
(knocking on door)
(knocking on door)
who's there?
Perrico. Quickly!
What are you doing here?
You know you might
have been followed?
Followed... by who?
Not even dogs and
cats are out tonight.
Only soldiers.
Well, than all the more
reason to stay clear.
(scoffs): But they're only
in the next street, amigo.
And they're searching
from house to house.
You must leave.
Leave?
(sighs): You know there's
no place I can go in this town.
That's not my concern, señor.
If they find you here,
they'll shoot me too.
What do you want? More money?
(sighs): No, I just want to live
so I can spend what I have.
Get out, quickly!
You double-crosser!
(gasping)
(speaking in Spanish)
No names!
You go, before I remember
you tried to assassinate
the presidente.
(sighs): All right...
amigo.
But if I get of
out this alive...
..I'm gonna be back for you.
( dramatic theme playing)
Buenas noches, padre.
What are you talkin' about?
I ain't no padre.
You were for a few
moments this aft...
( tense theme playing)
(both grunting)
(both gasping)
Either me or the soldiers,
and all you get
from them is a bullet.
Yeah, and what
do I get from you?
First, some questions.
And?
That depends on the answers.
All right.
(woman screams)
( suspenseful theme playing)
There were two of
them. Find the other one.
WOMAN: Quién es?
Who is there?
Buenas noches, señorita.
( suspenseful theme playing)
Where is he? He got away.
Don't be a fool,
there's no place to go!
How could he get away?
Did you look in there?
No, sir. It's locked.
Well, smash it. You!
( Western theme playing)
( suspenseful theme playing)
All right, let's go.
(door closes)
Gracias, señorita.
You've been a good
neighbor. But... I must leave.
Señor...
Hm. For nada.
I guess that means it's over.
(door closes)
Is he dead?
SOLDIER: No, sir, he
has a bullet in his left leg,
but he'll live.
BARBOSSA: He may
live to regret he didn't die.
Form a detachment.
Escort the assassin
to the prison at Avalos.
Yes, sir.
BARBOSSA: And
lieutenant? SOLDIER: Sir.
BARBOSSA: If for any reason...
Any reason at all
he is not delivered to Avalos,
you will be.
March.
(sighing): Now, look here, Jim.
Didn't I tell you and Artie
not to leave that house?
Well, I... I just
don't remember, sir.
Did you? No, no,
of course you don't remember.
Did you talk to him?
Did he say anything?
(sighs)
We didn't get that far, sir.
I know it's a
terrible thing to ask,
but, uh, is there a chance
that the bullet... killed him?
(sighs)
No, sir. He was
wounded in the leg.
I saw him carried
off on a stretcher.
There was absolutely
nothing I could do about it.
Time is running out.
We've got to talk to him.
I'm afraid that that would
be most difficult, señores.
The only talking
Halverson will do
is to Colonel Arsenic.
For me? Thank you.
Halverson? (sighs): Yeah.
Help yourself. Yeah.
You know the local
files at that constabulary
aren't half bad?
The man we're looking
for is Frank Halverson.
Hard-cased gunman
out of Abilene.
And this, uh, Colonel Arsenic?
Arsenio Barbossa.
The... gentleman who runs
all of the local proceedings
around here.
From what I hear
down at the plaza,
nobody refuses to talk to him.
At least not for long.
Where did they take Halverson?
Maximum-security
prison at Avalos.
Completely incomunicado.
Not even a lawyer can see him.
I'll make an official
protest to president Juarez.
When you see Juarez,
ask for a prison pass.
For you?
No, no.
For Halverson's father.
A fine, old Texas gentleman
who may not have long
to live.
Well, are you...
Are you sure
Halverson has a father?
(old man's voice): Well,
he's gonna have one now.
Don't you worry
none about that, son.
(sighs)
Mr. Halverson.
(laughs): My apologies, sir.
That's perfectly
all right, sonny.
(Griswold laughs)
(man screaming)
( suspenseful theme playing)
Did the prisoner confess, sir?
Oh, yes. He was
very cooperative.
He freely admitted giving
shelter and sanctuary
to the American assassin.
(laughs)
We have all the evidence
we need for his execution.
Bring down Halverson.
(gasping and grunting)
Come on!
Señor Halverson.
You and I are going to have
a nice, long
heart-to-heart talk.
Y... But... I... No, señor.
First, I will talk,
then you will talk.
(chuckles)
But... let us examine
the possibility
to begin with...
that when it comes to your turn,
you will not be in the
mood for conversation.
That happens from
time to time, of course.
But in your case, señor,
that would be most unfortunate.
(chuckles)
Uh, let us say that
despite all our urgings...
you still prefer
not to engage in
friendly dialogue.
Then, señor...
against all my humane instincts,
I will be forced to...
MAN: Colonel.
A thousand pardons.
Señor West is waiting
outside to see you
with an older
man, also a gringo.
Señor West.
I find that curious.
Bring him down here, lieutenant.
(speaks in Spanish)
Guard.
Bring this man back to his cell.
You'll forgive me
if I keep you waiting
a little longer, no?
(Artie mumbling
indistinctly in old man voice)
Oh, there you are.
Now, lookie here, captain.
I want to tell you something.
I want... Welcome, Mr. West.
I am Colonel Arsenio Barbossa.
I've heard about you, colonel.
I'm flattered.
May I return the compliment.
I have a rather
large dossier on you.
(sighs)
But it's by no means thorough.
If I can cut through all
this here lollygagging...
Uh, this is Leroy
Halverson, colonel.
He's from Texas.
Halverson...
Any relation to...
His daddy, by
dingy-bang thunder!
I'm here to take my son home!
(sighs)
Pity. Quite impossible.
Im... Impossi... What do
you mean, impossible?!
I'm here, ain't I?!
Señor Halverson,
somewhere, somehow, you
have forgotten something.
You are no longer in Texas.
No one may visit the
prisoner without a direct order
from the president of Mexico.
(grunts)
As it happens, colonel,
he has that direct order.
It seems to be quite proper.
You may spend 15 minutes
with your son.
Fifteen... Well, thank
you very much, captain.
You're a very generous man.
Gotta come visit me
in Texas sometime.
Give you a whole
hour to get out of there.
Señor.
(grunts)
(mumbles indistinctly)
gonna take that boy
and get him out of here,
and there's gonna
be nothin' gonna...
Gonna... hold me back.
I'll tell you this...
(pages rustling)
(sighing): Ah.
Señor West, it
appears my dossier
on the assassin Halverson
is not thorough, either.
It states here that his father
was trapped in a mine cave-in
in Las Cruces, New Mexico
on May 3, 1857...
and is presumed dead.
Presumed dead.
Actually, he was only missing.
And they haven't seen each other
in all these years.
Should be a very
touching reunion.
Now then, what can I do to
amuse you for 15 minutes?
Oh, I'm sure, colonel,
that you have more
important things to do.
Mm.
More pressing, perhaps.
Would you care to
read your own dossier?
No, thank you,
colonel. I've lived it.
Hm.
(man screams)
I haven't.
Would you step
over here, please?
That's the man
who provided refuge
for Señor Halverson's
fun-loving son.
But in the end, he saw
the error of his ways,
and he confessed.
(West sighs)
They all do, don't
they, colonel?
(old man's voice): Son!
What have they done to you?
No, son, you're
not seeing a ghost.
It's your old pa.
Pa?
That's right, son.
Uh, just let me...
rest my old bones, here.
Set them down on...
(grunting): yeah
this here stool, a minute.
(normal voice): Then we can get
down to brass tacks, Halverson.
(breathing heavily):
All right, old man...
who in the blue blazes are you?
(whispering): I came
to make a deal with you,
and I'm not an old man.
Deal?
Maybe you're new here.
Maybe you never heard
of Colonel Barbossa.
I heard of him.
Well, you should have
seen what he did to Perrico.
MAN: Ready...
(gun cocks)
aim...
fire.
(gunshot)
( dramatic theme playing)
He's better off dead.
(gasping)
Now, you manna know
who hired me, right?
That's right.
All right. I'll tell you...
In Texas.
Or I'll tell that colonel
in that torture chamber.
Whichever comes first.
Now, look, Halverson,
we'll get you the best
lawyers in Mexico.
We'll see to it... I
don't want a lawyer.
Lawyer ain't gonna do me
no good in here. I want out!
Now look, I don't
care how you do it,
but you get me out of here
before that butcher
goes to work on me!
Keep your voice down.
'Cause I'm gonna
talk to somebody.
And when I start
naming names, boy,
things are gonna
pop all over this place.
Who's gonna believe
you without proof?
Oh, I got that, too.
I got a letter from the big man.
Somebody way up there.
Who?
I'll tell you in Texas.
What kind of a letter?
I'll tell you that too...
in Texas.
GUARD: It's time.
( tense theme playing)
(old man's voice):
Eh... all right.
Don't you worry none, son.
Your old pa will
look after things.
(sighs): Just... don't worry.
We'll get you outta here.
(whispers): Take that pill.
It will put you to
sleep for eight hours.
Even Barbossa can't
torture a sleeping man.
GUARD: Señor.
(old man voice): Yeah, yeah.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Uh, you don't worry a bit, son.
I'll be back to get
you out of here
if I have to come
up with a whole...
passel of Texas rangers,
by dingy-bang thunder.
Don't worry none.
(mumbles): Miserable, no good...
( dramatic theme playing)
Well, there you have it, Jim.
We gotta get Halverson
out of that pokey, but fast.
Artie, if we could
get the letter
that Halverson told you about,
that would clean
up the whole deal.
Yeah. He sure
didn't have it on him.
Where do we start looking?
Let's try the most
obvious place.
( suspenseful theme playing)
(sighs)
You ever get the
feeling that, uh,
people were looking
at you kind of funny?
Ah, señorita.
Fate keeps throwing us together.
But don't your, uh, friends
know it's not polite to point?
Señor,
let me assure
you of three things.
(sighing): One: The gun
that is being pointed at you...
is loaded.
And two: My... My men
will not hesitate to shoot you
if you give them cause.
And, uh... And three:
I find myself less
and less amused
at your insolence.
Now, you stand there.
It's the old one I
want to speak with.
Old? Well, now, you
look here, pumpkins.
You... give me some respect,
if you please. Oh,
quiet, papasito.
Reply only to my questions.
Over there.
Well, I ain't heard
nary a one yet... so far.
( tense theme playing)
Enough.
Now... I want to know
what your son said to you.
Oh, that.
Well, he was real
anxious to know
how the new herd was
doing with its grazing
over on the west 40.
You know, we got us
as fine a herd of cattle
as you've ever seen.
Watch out with that
toad sticker, little lady.
WOMAN: Old man, you
are very close to death.
(sighs): We both
know why you are here.
Now, tell me where
your son hid that letter!
All right, then. Listen to this.
No cause for you to be...
getting that upset
about it, is there?
No, because when...
When you get
upset, we get upset,
and there's... no telling
who might wind up getting upset.
( dramatic theme playing)
(all grunting)
(sighing)
Well...
in the face of vastly
superior numbers,
I would say the enemy withdrew.
( light-hearted theme playing)
Would you, uh, call this
a smashing victory for us?
Mm-hm. Yeah.
Artie, did you forget
why we came here?
Oh, yeah, the letter.
(sighs): Well...
can't have everything.
(sighs)
Oh, with all this debris...
if the letter ever was here,
I don't know how
we'd ever find it.
El Presidente Benito Juarez.
Eh, must have got
shifted in the fracas.
(grunts)
No, it didn't, Artie.
It's nailed down.
Nailed crooked.
Somebody must have
done that in an awful hurry.
Eureka.
The letter to Halverson.
"and for security reasons,
I have changed the lock.
"That's why I
enclosed the new key.
"The meeting will still be
this Thursday, midnight,
"at which time we
will finalize plans
to eliminate Juarez."
That's all?
You noticed, I'm sure, sir,
that there's no signature.
But the key the
letter mentions...
It wasn't enclosed.
No signature on the letter.
No key.
And who is this preposterous
female and her gunmen?
What's she got to
do with this case?
Well, aside from the fact
that she wears
tangerine lipstick...
And wields a knife with style.
Uh, we don't know
a thing about her, sir.
(sighs)
The letter is worthless.
We must get
Halverson's testimony.
Well, you know his terms, sir.
He'll open up only
after we get him out
of Colonel Arsenic's pokey
and back onto American soil.
(sighs): And that is
obviously impossible.
I wouldn't say so, sir.
Thanks for the ride, padre.
(fake Mexican accent):
Vaya con dios, gringo.
( suspenseful theme playing)
I have come for
the mortal remains
of Perrico Mendoza.
Uh, which way is
the, um... fiesta?
You, guard. What are you doing?
I asked you a question.
What are you doing down here?
Turn around when
your commanding officer
speaks to you.
Turn around!
Señor West.
( dramatic theme playing)
You've broken into Avalos
to rescue a compatriot.
Are the visiting
hours over, colonel?
Incredible.
You've performed a feat
of unparalleled brilliance.
It's not possible,
and yet there you are.
It will be an honor to
grant your last request
before your execution.
But I haven't confessed.
Well, that will come later.
In any event,
After a few sessions in
my private confessional...
you will beg to confess.
March.
(sighs)
(chuckles)
I could easily have killed you,
but why should I be kind?
(snaps fingers)
First, the torture chamber.
(grunting)
( dramatic theme playing)
Oh, boy, am I glad
you weren't asleep.
(grunting)
Uh, Jim, give me
a hand with this,
will you? It's heavy.
(grunts): It will be a
lot heavier going out.
We'll never get
out of this alive.
I don't know why I'm
going through with it.
Because it beats being executed
by a country mile.
Look, I don't even
think I can climb that wall
with this leg.
Just get in the box.
I'll climb the wall.
What?
Get in the box.
Oh, no.
Uh-uh, I'm not gonna
get in that thing.
That... That... That
cell was small enough.
It's either the box or the
colonel's confessional.
(sighs): Look, I'll
suffocate in there.
You want to know who hired me,
you get me out some other way.
(sighs)
What do you think, Artie?
(grunting)
Very well, then.
(gasps)
(grunts)
(hoarsely): Guard! Guard!
All right. Now, listen.
I'll unload this thing
at that... dry wash.
Then I'll lay a false trail
with the horse and wagon.
You, uh, better get down
to him as soon as you can
and let him out.
Artie? Yeah?
How long do you think he
can really live in this box?
I'd say about half an
hour, if he doesn't panic.
(sighs)
Well, care to be a pallbearer?
(grunting)
Artie, what are
you doing in there?
(gasps)
(mumbles indistinctly)
(grunts): Get up.
That... silly...
little hot tomato
and her powerful
peons, that's how.
(grunts)
Not again.
Yeah, again.
You know, I hate to say it,
but I'm working
up a violent dislike
for that tomato.
Did Halverson leave with her?
Oh, he had no choice.
I'm sure he never
saw her before.
(sighs)
Well, we'll never see him again.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
He doesn't even
know who hired him.
Oh, come on, Artie.
No.
He was looking right
down my gun barrel
when he swore that
the man who hired him
sat in the shadows and
never once showed his face.
Incidentally, the
fee for killing Juarez?
$10,000.
Not in advance. No.
Halverson was to go to the
place where he was hired.
Where is that?
We never got around to it.
Did you find the key? No,
but I do know where it is.
We did get around to that
before that... pimento
had me bushwhacked.
(sighs): Come on. He'll
tell her the same story.
Let's get that key.
Right.
( suspenseful theme playing)
This is what you're looking for.
(strong accent): Yes, that's it.
May I have it, please?
(sighs)
I'm prepared to bargain.
What are you offering?
The whereabouts of your friend,
Mr. Artemus Gordon.
I'm right over here, sugar.
And pointing a gun at you.
(laughs)
I guess it's what you
call a Yankee standoff.
(chuckles): Yes.
It does, doesn't it?
Why don't you start
the conversation?
I am Colonel Lupita
Gonzalez, of le guarde federal.
The Mexican secret service.
Now, I must insist you
turn that key over to me.
Oh, why don't we bargain?
(sighing): What do you want?
The name of the man who
plotted the assassination.
Halverson did not know.
The meeting took place
in the house of a third party.
The conspirator remained
always in the shadow.
He never revealed his
identity to Halverson.
That's what Halverson says.
I made certain
he told the truth.
I'm sure you did.
Where is he now?
My men have him.
(sighs)
Uh, Halverson told you
what lock this key opens,
didn't he?
Yes.
Then why don't you tell me?
No.
I'll show you.
You got a bargain.
( dramatic theme playing)
( suspenseful theme playing)
Go on in, Jim.
The colonel and I
will cover for you.
Señor, we give you five minutes.
(bell tolling)
(bell tolls louder)
You know, Mr. West,
that secret staircase
dates back to the
conquistadores.
I had no idea the
house was that old.
(laughs): Oh, yes.
It was built over 250 years ago.
(sighs): I have tried to
keep it in its original form.
I imagine an escape
route would come in handy
in your line of work.
My line?
Assassinations.
You did hire Halverson
to kill Juarez, didn't you?
(laughs): Oh, Mr. West.
I am not that ambitious.
I am not active
enough for such a role.
My only contribution
to the conspiracy
was to bring certain
people together.
Halverson, for one.
Then who was the
man in the shadow?
( dramatic theme playing)
I would rather not divulge that.
If he wants to reveal
his, uh, identity...
he is welcome to do so.
I'd like to meet your friend.
You've met him already.
More than once.
The question is now,
what will come
out of this meeting?
Well, one of us isn't
gonna leave here alive,
is that right?
It is right...
Señor West.
(cocks gun)
Colonel Arsenic.
Oh, I'm sorry, colonel.
I just thought you'd
like to know the name
your friends and
admirers call you by.
Again I should have
shot you in the back.
But I couldn't resist the urge
to watch the look of
astonishment on your face.
And now you disappoint me.
You'll get over that. (sighs)
Your nerves really
are very good.
It must be that.
I can't believe
you knew it was I.
Where is Halverson?
I couldn't tell you, colonel.
He escaped from me too.
Oh, you'll tell me.
Before I'm through with you,
you'll tell me things I
don't even want to know.
I'll tell you one
thing for sure.
Mexican security police
have surrounded this place.
Front door, back door
and, uh, secret door.
That isn't so,
colonel. That isn't!
Impossible. No one suspects me.
Everyone knows you
wanna be president.
But you only get
one shot, colonel,
and you've had that.
Lieutenant.
These are my security
men. Where are yours?
Right here, Colonel Arsenic.
( tense theme playing)
(all grunting)
We do our own
housecleaning, Mr. West.
There.
Now, how about a toast?
That's a good idea, Artie.
(sighs): Colonel...
to the memory of
when we first met,
when I kissed you.
As I recall,
I followed that up
by slapping you.
True.
But the first memory
overwhelms the second.
Yeah, what about me? I
have no memories at all.
(clears throat)
(sighs)
(sighs): Well, I
feel much better.
How about some dinner, eh?
I hope you don't mind
us being just a threesome.
Of course not,
since my bodyguard
will make it a foursome.
Your bodyguard is here?
Waiting outside.
(gasps)
Oh, Lieutenant Ramirez
attends me everywhere I go.
Well, uh, surely, you
can make an exception
on a festive occasion
like this, can't you?
My dear Artemus...
I wouldn't dream of it.
Huh.
Teniente.
( light-hearted theme playing)
Sí, mi coronel?
Lieutenant Ramirez,
Señor James West.
(sighs): Lieutenant.
GONZALEZ: And
Señor Artemus Gordon.
Señores.
Encantado.
(sighs)
After all, Artie, there's
nothing wrong with
taking a lonely
soldier to dinner.
(groans)
( Western theme playing)