The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 3, Episode 21 - The Night of the Undead - full transcript

Hold it right there, fella.

Keep going and I'm
going to shoot you.

Wax.

My partner and I are working
with the New Orleans police.

We're trying to
locate a scientist

that was working
for the government.

Yeah. His name is
Lyman Armbruster.

Last seen in New
Orleans about a week ago.

Yes, yes, but the only
thing that interests me

are his specifications.

Oh, well, he was,
uh, tall, slender,



sandied hair, uh, early 50s.

Nope. Nothing in that
description's come in.

But I've got a big one

that was just fished
out of the bayou.

He didn't happen to have an
earring on his left ear, did he?

Yes. As a matter
of fact, he has.

And a bullet hole in his heart?

Yes. Tiny Jon, that's his name.

Oh, I'll take
your form 17 first.

Regulations.

Form 17?

Your authorization
for inspection.

You did get one from
the commissioner?

Artie, give the
gentleman what he wants.



Oh, form 17?

Oh, yes, of course. Uh...

Form 17, I have it
in here somewhere.

Form 17.

Artie, it's the same one.

If you two think you
can come in here

snooping around without
official authorization

Oh, there's the
elusive little rascal. Ha.

Form 17.

I think you'll find it
all in proper order.

Oh, yes, sir. It
certainly seems to be.

Take your time, gentlemen.

Oh, uh, before you leave,
will you turn out the lights?

Oh.

Well, unless his heart's
in the wrong place,

that bullet had to kill
him instantaneously.

Artie, that bullet never
even fazed this man.

May... Maybe it was
the magic talisman

that, uh, saved him.

Wait a minute. Don't laugh, Jim.

Those who practice
voodoo call this a wonga.

For them, it is a
magic talisman.

If they believe in that enough,

they can do incredible things.

Yeah, I know. I saw a woman
walk across burning coals

without even raising a blister.

It's pure autohypnosis,
of course.

Nobody knows how or
why it works, but it does.

Artie, could
autohypnosis save a man

from a bullet in the heart?

It wouldn't seem so, would it?

No, it wouldn't.

Uh, listen, what about
that strange sound

that you heard

which served as
a kind of a signal

for Tiny Jon to stop
strangling you and move...

Jim, look at this.

You know, Artie, Dr. Eddington,

being one of the top
scientists in this country

and a former associate
of Dr. Armbruster,

ought to be able to give
us a good lead on this case.

Artie, the doctor's
invitation stressed...

that we are not to dress.

Well, it's just a basic boa.

I tell you, I can't get
the memory of Tiny Jon's

out of my mind.

Maybe the doctor can
help us with that, too.

Yeah, well, he better.

Imagine Colonel Richmond's
face when he sees my report.

"Nothing else in the way
of developments except

"for one minor detail:

the corpse, when
viewed at the morgue,

glowed like a Christmas
tree ornament. Respectfully."

Listen, I tell you.

You extend my apologies
to Dr. Eddington, will you?

You mean you're not going? Why?

I'd kind of like to test
out a little program

I've been toying with.

Such as?

Well, as of the moment,

we haven't been able
to dig up any leads, right?

With this, I might be able to
have some leads dig me up.

Using what for bait?

When you're looking
for rats... Cheese.

Good luck, Artie.

Thank you, James.

My name is James
West. Dr. Eddington...

Is expecting you.
Yes, sir. Right this way.

Would you wait
in the library, sir?

Thank you.

It's lovely.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to startle you.

That's Brahms, isn't it?

You recognized it. Why,
thank you very much.

Miss Claypoole, my teacher,

says that everything
I play sounds...

You're not Mr. James
West and Artemus Gordon?

No, I'm... I'm just James West.

Oh, when daddy told me
you were coming tonight,

I got this picture of you.

You were dark and bulky

and you had this great scar
running along your cheek,

and your hair was
thinning on the top and...

Well, actually, that is me.

You see, I'm just
wearing a disguise.

I don't believe that.

By the way, I'm
Mariah Eddington.

How do you do, Mariah?

Daddy, may I present the
celebrated Mr. James West?

The celebrated
Dr. Eddington. How do you do?

I see you've already
met my daughter, Mariah.

Mr. Gordon?

Oh, he couldn't come tonight.

Well, I'm sorry.

Will you join me in a brandy?

Oh, yes, I will.

Two brandies, Taro.

Daddy, remember your promise.

Uh, make that three, Taro.

And one of them a small brandy.

Mr. West, would you be seated?

Mr. West, I was
disturbed to learn

that my old friend,
Dr. Lyman Armbruster, is...

You keep staring at me.

Is there anything wrong?

Oh, I'm sorry, doctor,

but I couldn't help but
recall the last time I saw you.

Really? Where was that?

It was deep in
the bayou country.

You were stretched out
on a voodoo sacrificial altar.

That's fantastic.

Why would anyone want
to model a wax figure

in my likeness?

I don't know,

but I'm sure there's a
connection between that

and Dr. Armbruster's
disappearance.

Oh, surely you're not serious?

Oh, yes, I am, doctor.

I'm sure you were aware
that he was engaged

in important research
for our government?

Yes. Yes, I knew.

Although Lyman never
gave me the details

because of its
classified nature.

I remember very well
that he was enthusiastic

about a certain sample
that had been sent to him.

By whom?

Well, I don't know
that, Mr. West.

He never told me that.

But I knew that he was
extremely interested

in getting more of the same.

Ah, Taro, here please.

Thank you.

Thank you.

To dear friends
and their safe return.

Last night at the
voodoo ceremony,

I was forced to
shoot and kill a man.

Later, when I examined
the body at the morgue,

I found that, uh, his
hands glowed in the dark.

Articulus.

Who's Articulus?

I'm sorry. I...

I guess I was thinking out loud.

Many years ago, Mr. West,

Dr. Armbruster and I
worked together with Articulus.

Articulus was a
brilliant researcher who,

by the use of volatile salts,

caused some of his
guinea pigs to glow,

as you described,

which is the point where
Dr. Armbruster and I

broke off our
collaboration with him.

Why?

His guinea pigs were human.

They died.

Oh. Where is Dr. Articulus now?

He, too, died.

He was burned to death
in a laboratory explosion,

which was fortunate
in a grisly way,

because Armbruster
and I were prepared

to bring criminal malpractice
charges against him when...

Stupid of me, but I...

I detest that sound.

It arises with the wind's
passage through the trees,

I suspect.

Whenever I hear that sound,

and I've... I've been hearing
it more and more lately,

I get a distinctly
unpleasant feeling.

Mariah?

What is it, Mariah?

I became dizzy.

The brandy, I suppose.

You're not hurt?

No, no. I'm just
a little bit tired.

If you and Mr. West
will excuse me?

Reluctantly, Mariah.

Good night.

Sleep well, my dear.

Another brandy, Mr. West?

Oh, no, thank you, doctor.

I've got some official
government business

that I have to take care of.

Good night, sir.

Good night.

Oh, I-I'm terribly sorry.

Please excuse me, sir.

No, I-I-I'm...

You! Yes. Yes.

You know what you are?

Yes. Yes, I certainly do, sir.

Please forgive me. I-I
just didn't see you there.

All right, I'll forgive you.

I thank you. What
about you, Louie?

Why not? After all, it
was a mistake, wasn't it?

Yes, yes. It was a terrible
mistake. I'm terribly sorry.

Then I forgive you, too.

Oh, thank you so...

Gentlemen, please, I...

Huh, gent... Well, hm...

I... I can see that there's been

a dreadful misunderstanding,

so if you will just
excuse me, I'll...

I don't think he likes us.

Oh, I love you. I love you.

I love every one of you.

Not well enough
to drink with us.

Oh, yes, yes.
Indeed, well enough...

Well enough to drink, uh...

With you.

Uh... I'll have a small sherry.

You heard the man, Gilly.

A small sherry.

All right, clear the
way. Give us room.

Oh, I needed that. I think.

How about a double
this time, Gilly?

Yeah, more sherry, Gilly.

No, I don't care for any more,

thank you very much.

Let me just pay for this.

I'll be very happy to...

Can you... Can you tell me
how much I owe for the sherry?

H-How much do they charge...

Oh, dear, I hope they haven't

all left on my
account, have they?

Where did you get that?

What? Oh, you mean
this funny-looking medal?

I-I-I found it.

Do... Do you know where
I might get another one?

Another one? Why?

Well, I thought perhaps I might
have a pair of earrings made

for my aunt Maude.

You see, I-I...
I've promised her

that I would bring her
back some souvenir

from our convention.

Now, listen, you take my advice

and you leave that
right where you found it.

Oh, and disappoint aunt Maude?

Uh, never mind. I'll find
one somewhere else.

That's the idea, Algernon.

If you are speaking to me,

my name is Beldon Scovill, Jr.

Well, if first you
don't succeed,

just keep right on trying.

Stay out of this, Domino.

Why, Gilly, I'm
surprised at you.

Junior here needs
help. Don't you, junior?

Yes, I do. I-I-I
most certainly do.

Well, I warned you.

Warned me?

Well, you see, I
have this aunt Maude,

and, uh, I thought
that I would have

a pair of earrings

made out of these
silly, little medals.

I can only find one of them.

I can show you where to
get another one just like it.

Oh, could you?

Come in.

I am Phalah.

Won't you come in?

Oh, uh, yes, yes.

Thank you very much.

How do you do, Miss Phalah?

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Uh, my name is
Beldon Scovill, Jr.

You see, we accountants are
here on an annual convention,

and I... Won't you sit down?

Oh, no, no, no. Really
that's not necessary.

No, you don't understand.

You see, I was
directed here because...

Just as I thought.

You have most
unusual formations.

Oh, really?

Well, you know, I once fell off

a porch glider as a boy.

I didn't think it still showed.

You have courage.

More than your share.

Oh, well, I wouldn't say that.

I read a kind of courage in you.

The kind that is foolhardy

that will only lead to disaster.

Do I make myself plain?

Yes, I think so. Go on.

There is more...

but you came here
with a question, I think.

Hm?

Oh, oh, yes.

I was wondering
where I could get

another medal
just like this one.

How would I know?

You don't know what it is then?

It is just a trinket.

Yes, but you see, I
was looking for one

for my aunt Maude.

I... I told you, I do
not know where...

She would love to have
them as a pair of earrings,

and if I didn't, she'd
be so disappointed,

don't you see?

In the bayou.

Yes?

Heading north
towards Sandoniece.

Always continuing

with the west forks at the bank.

Yes, yes. Go on.

But there are miles of swamp,

tangled cypress roots,
alligators and moccasins.

You'll never make it.

Oh, dear.

But if you continue,

always holding to the west bank.

You'll come to a deserted house.

Well, if it's deserted,
how could...

Oh, I see, you mean you...

It really isn't deserted, is it?

I see. Thank you.

Thank you so much, Miss Phalah.

You've been most helpful.

My aunt Maude
will be very grateful.

Follow him.

Come in, Mr. West. Do.

No need to stand on ceremony.

Well, now that you're here,
introductions are in order.

You don't know me.

No. Only your name.

What makes you
think you know that?

Only Dr. Articulus

could have created human
glowworms in his laboratory

and killed them
off in the process

and have engineered
mock humans like these.

I see you've been talking
to my old comrade in arms,

Paul Eddington.

It's a brilliant
deduction, really.

First-rate.

Don't do that, Mr. West.

He's beyond all help.

Many more will take his place.

We have many eager
arrivals every day.

What have you done
with Dr. Armbruster?

Does he look familiar?

Dr. Armbruster.

Yes.

You've ended your search.

You've found your man, Mr. West.

What was that phrase you used?

Mock humans?

After a few weeks, you, too,

will have achieved that
mock-human appearance.

So, won't you join

the other laborers
in my vineyard?

Won't you, Mr. West?

I tell you, this is
utterly outrageous!

Who's in charge here?

You'll see in a minute.

I haven't the time, I tell you!

What's going on down there?

Who is this man?

Don't know. I
found him snooping.

He claims he
separated from his party.

Are you in charge, sir?

Why did you bring him here?

You know your orders.

Now just one moment!

I've had as much of
this as I'm going to take!

I've had difficulties
with surveys in my time,

but this is the worst
I've ever known,

being roused about by
your men here, these yahoos,

and a house that isn't
even on the charts.

What charts?

This house is going to be
coming down, brick by brick,

in order to make way
for a canal we're building

from Baton Rouge to the gulf.

That's impossible.
I own this house.

Well, that's too bad. It's
coming down anyway.

You can't stand in
the way of progress.

Hey, you leave
my equipment here.

Won't you join me
in the other room?

Well, that's better.

Won't you sit down, Mr...?

Uh, Brainard,
Brainard, Samuel P.

Major, United States
army, Corps of Engineers.

No, thank you. Thank you.

About this canal, sir...

Well, I can understand
how you feel

about this home, sir.

After all, a man's
home is his, uh...

And I assure you the
government will be most equitable

in settling with you
for its appropriation.

I take it this route
is quite determined?

No, no, actually,
there are alternates.

I don't think they're as good.

At least, that's what my
report's going to read.

May I offer you a
glass of wine, major?

Why, yes. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Now, about these two routes.

Are you sure one of
them might not be better?

Well, I might be willing...

My dear, come in.

Phalah, this is Major Brainard.

Major Brainard.

My pleasure, ma'am.

Phalah is my housekeeper.

Oh. Oh, I see.

Well, as I was saying,

I think I might be willing

to consider one of
those, uh, other routes.

Well, I would be
most grateful to you.

My house means everything to me.

Oh, I can well
understand that, Mr., uh...

Articulus.

Articulus, I'm a
reasonable man, uh...

In fact, I might be willing
to give great deal of thought

to one of the other ways.

I might be willing
to reward you.

Amazing, isn't it?

I know a man who has
a head exactly like yours.

His name is Beldon Scovill, Jr.

Isn't it, Beldon?

It's charming.

I'm glad.

It's a cheerful, sunny room.

Yes, so I could see.

It's a very cheerful
view of the bars

and of those sunny guards
patrolling downstairs. Yes.

I think you'll be
comfortable here.

Certainly there is no chance

for your being disturbed.

Actually, I won't be
seeing you in the morning.

I'm being married.

Well, how fortunate for you.

May I offer my congratulations.

Thank you, sir.

And that explains
why I won't be able

to give very much time
to you at the moment.

But after the ceremony,

I shall devote a
great deal more time

to you and Mr. West.

I'd like to apologize, if I may.

I've, uh, congratulated
the happy groom, but...

I seem to have overlooked
the blushing bride.

May I wish you

the very best of luck.

What makes you think
that I am to be the bride?

You mean you're not?

I'm terribly sorry.

I seem to have gaffed again.

Does he know you love him?

Or that, whoever he's marrying,

she couldn't possibly love
him as much as you do?

She doesn't love him at all.

He's a blind fool.

You know, we might perhaps
be of some help to each other...

You and I.

Even if I wanted to help you,

I can't get you out.

I wouldn't dream of
asking for that much.

Just tell me where
James West is.

Why should I?

Because if you do, Phalah,

I promise you that marriage

will not take place tomorrow.

Come on, Phalah.

You don't have to lift a finger.

Just tell me where he is,

and your doctor marries no one.

He's in the mold chamber,

where the undead
do their harvesting.

It's in the basement
of the building.

Get to work.

I'm through working.

Looks like someone was going
to have a wedding a long time ago.

Someone's going to
have a wedding today.

Did you know that?

Dr. Articulus.

If that's true,
then I think I know

who the lucky girl is. Mariah.

Mariah?

Dr. Eddington's daughter.

Which is no more
than delayed justice.

Because it will be 18 years
ago to the day tomorrow

that I was preparing
to sit across this table

with my bride-to-be.

Until you learned that a
criminal malpractice suit

was headed your way.

You're very quick, Mr. West.

Yes, I found that thanks to
a couple of my colleagues,

my whole world came
crashing down around my head.

So then you know what happened?

I'd say you decided
you had to die

in a laboratory explosion.

As a dead man soon comes to find

that he doesn't mean very much

to a grieving, young girl.

Who do you think
that grieving, young girl

was persuaded to marry?

Yes.

This is the cream of the jest.

She married Paul
Eddington, himself.

You see, don't you?

That's why I'm marrying
her daughter, Mariah.

It will go a long way
toward righting the wrong

that was done me.

I have a special punishment

for Drs. Eddington
and Armbruster.

How about you two?

You see, I told
you he'd get around

to us eventually.

Obviously the government
has sent you to spy upon me.

Oh, I'll send you back...

saturated.

They'll find you in the sea,

floating like fire on the water.

A warning against
future interference.

Nothing personal,

you understand?

I see. Then the
voodoo mumbo jumbo...

All a smoke screen, I suppose.

Exactly. It kept people
from prying into the swamp.

It ensured my privacy.

And it guaranteed
me an army of my own,

numberless,
without fear or pain,

and completely under
the control of my will.

But not through voodoo?

No, through the
magic of a potion.

You helped me
harvest the raw material.

You saw the army.

Except what did
you call it an...

Army of mock humans

brought completely under
the control of my potion.

Those lovely eyes...

So like her mother.

But she is not her mother!

Shut your mouth, Phalah.

Mr. West, Mr. Gordon,

let's see how long
you last in the refinery.

Get them out of here.

Those lovely eyes...

just for me.

One day she'll see
you as you really are.

Then, there will be
nothing but hate and disgust

in those lovely eyes of hers.

You know, it's no fun hanging
around with you anymore.

Jim, look.

That's definitely an
ammonia derivative,

which is bad news for us.

Must be the mold
the doctor's preparing.

What mold?

It's preparation to turn
human beings into robots,

and I've seen it work.

I'd say from the
size of this operation,

he's planning on a whole army.

Maybe we can do
something about it.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

I think so.

There, it's going now.

Okay.

Okay.

It's coming.

What do you want?

Controls have gone crazy,
the pressure's falling fast.

Jim.

Hold it.

Take her and get her outside.

And what about you?

I'm going to find Articulus.

Are you out of your mind?

This place is liable to go up

while we're
standing here talking.

He's liable to find
the leak and fix it.

Then we'd be back where we
started. Let's get out of here.

Everything I've worked for.

Doctor. It's time to go.

I've worked don't you see?

Years, I've planned...
I've planned this to work.

I-I-I... you.

You ruined it! You!

You! You!

You!

Mr. West.

Jim, it doesn't last.

The potion doesn't last.

Where's Articulus?

He's not going
to make it, Artie.

Ah, here it is.

I knew I'd seen it
somewhere before.

Now, listen. "Among
certain sects in India,

"there are men who,

in the state of autohypnosis,

can subject themselves
to painful ordeals,

such as walking on coals...

Artie. Hm?

Watch your breathing
near my cards.

"Such as walking on
coals, lying on beds of nails

"while having their
skin punctured,

which under ordinary conditions

would result in
painful injuries,

yet they remain
completely unmarked."

Now, that could explain
Mariah's little trick.

Hm. Plus the potion she drank.

Oh, I did...

Mariah.

Mr. Gordon. Mr. West.

Come in, sit down.

We were just talking about you.

Dr. Armbruster has asked me

to send his thanks
to both of you.

And he's coming
along very nicely now.

Well, we're glad to hear that.

He's much too
good a man to lose.

But we almost did lose him

and who knows what
else if it hadn't been

for yourself and Mr. West.

Well, at least it's over.

I forgot to tell you.

Do you know the glow
that was on the hands

of some of the undead?

Yeah. Who could forget it?

Well, it seems it was
just some sort of powder

that rubbed off on the
people who touched the mold.

And it doesn't even last.

Well, that just goes
to prove a point.

What point?

Well, I guess things

are not always what
they seem to be, right?