The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 3, Episode 14 - The Night of the Iron Fist - full transcript

He's coming now. Bring him out.

James West?
That's right, sheriff.

I'm Noah Petrie,
sheriff of Yuma,

and this is Count Draja.

Am I so fearful an
object, Mr. West,

that I must be
trussed up like a fowl?

Untruss the prisoner, sheriff.

That wouldn't be a smart
thing to do, Mr. West.

I got the scars to prove it.

Untruss him, sheriff.

Clovis, this glove is damaged.



Yours is a very interesting
country, Mr. West,

but there is too
much dust, I find.

Mr. West, where are
you taking the count?

I rarely make statements.
You'll have to excuse me.

But... Let's go, count.

If you'd asked me, I would
have replied instantly.

I'm being extradited to
Bosnia, my native land,

but merely because a new
regime has taken power there.

Maybe because your
regime made the streets red

with the blood of thousands
that were slaughtered.

All right to quote you on that?

Just say that our state
department is answering

a request from
another government

in extraditing the count.



Mr. West is an optimist.

I will make you a
small wager, Mr. West,

that I am out of your custody

before we are
out of the territory.

You're covered, count.

Clovis,

bath and change of linen.

I'm sorry, but the count's gonna
have to rough it to Washinton,

and I don't have
a ticket for you, sir.

This way, count.

Count, according to rumor,

you've hidden half a
million dollars in gold

in this country that reports say

you looted from your
country's treasury.

I know you've got a job to do,

and you've done it.

I'll kill you right here, count.

Let that man go.

This way, count.

Sam, get this box out of
here so we can get rolling.

You've gone to some trouble

to make it appear
I'm still on the train.

May one ask why?

I've got my reasons.

You sure you can
handle him alone?

Yeah, I can handle him. Thanks.

Okay.

If it isn't too
much of a secret,

would you mind telling
me where we are headed?

Back to the train.

The train?

You just went to such
great pains to avoid it.

We're meeting the
train in Buffalo Springs.

That's 100 miles east of here.

I know about the message
you got in the cell last night.

Come on. Get up.

I see.

If you knew there were
men prepared to free me,

why didn't you arrest
them, instead of engaging

in this ridiculously
elaborate charade?

Because I didn't know
who sent the message.

There was no
point in asking you.

Hold it.

Cigar smoke annoys you?

It's not the smoke
that bothers me.

It's what's in the
tobacco that does.

Don't congratulate
yourself, Mr. West.

You will never get
me to Bosnia in irons.

I gave an arm for my country.

I do not intend to let
it have my head too.

Hyah!

From here on out, we ride.

With these?

Well...

I'm gonna have to try
the honor system, I guess.

So much for the
honor system, count.

Places, gentlemen.
Curtain going up.

You will raise
your hands, please.

Uh, take it easy,
Mr. Draja. I'm Joe Stark.

The note you got
in jail was from me.

At long last.

Train is under your control?

Sure is.

You did a job on them all right.

Yeah. They never even got close

to trading lead
with you, did they?

This is Gabe Kelso, Mr. Draja.

Count Draja.

Well, anyway, uh,
Gabe's a good man.

A trifle oversensitive, no?

He would have preferred
that I'd be more sporting

and wait for them to
get ready, perhaps.

Nah, I wouldn't have
been in favor of that.

I'm very glad to hear that.

In life, they were
not very useful to me.

Dead does not
improve them at all.

Get rid of them, huh?

Hold up, there.

What's the matter?

I'm not sure.

Your horse is lame.

Too bad. What a pity.

We'll have to detour
and go to San Miguel.

Ah.

Come on, mount up on
mine. I'll lead for a while.

Well, count, I'm sorry
you had to meet my horse

under such circumstances,
but, uh, he's really educated.

Well, count.

I'm gonna teach you something
called the Tucson Two-Step.

Come on, you.

You two have been
of very great help.

You are now going
to tell me why.

Why?

Because we were
hired to do the job.

Ah, money.

And who is your employer?

Didn't give me a name,
and we didn't ask for any.

Far as we're concerned,
it's just a job, is all.

You are not lying to me?

Why should we go
and do a thing like that?

Yeah, why?

There is a benighted
community called Buffalo Springs.

Do we pass it?

Buffalo Springs? Yes.

Yeah, it's in the direction
we're heading, all right.

I can't figure out why anyone
would be interested in it.

Just a wet spot in
the desert, that's all.

Nevertheless, we shall
stop there when we get to it.

You will inform
the engine driver.

Sure thing.

One thing more.
When you address me,

you will address me
as Your Excellency.

Okay, Your Excellency.

Quiet.

You stupid lummox!

I said quiet!

Pa?

You make me lose my place, boy,

and it's your neck and ears.

You might want to
see this, Pa. I vow.

Howdy. Howdy.

Got any horses for sale?

Hm. Happens I got a few horses.

Oh, good.

But I'm powerful
attached to them.

Yeah, well, I'll pay you
top dollar for those horses.

You can take your
pick of the lot of them.

Hey, you a lawman?

Yup.

That's a pretty flossy-looking
prisoner you got there.

Uh, what did you
say his name was?

Uh, the horses are
in there, aren't they?

Oh, yeah.

Let me see them?

Hey, what did you do to
get the law down on you?

You shoot somebody?

Worse.

They caught me
cheating at tiddlywinks.

Now, go quite away.

Hey, Harry!

Yo!

Get Ben and Cass.

I want to show you
something prime.

Hey, come on down here.

Lawman in the
barn is talking to Pa.

He's on his way to the pokey.

He's a scary one, ain't he?

Sure enough is,

especially with that...
That red coat on.

Careful.

This cat's real ornery when
he's backed into a corner.

Yeah, he may
stamp his foot at us.

Go away.

Get over!

There you are.

Oh, uh, friend, uh,

that, uh, tricked-out
prisoner of yours,

uh, I got a feeling there's
a pair of real slick boots

under all that topsoil
plastered on him.

Mm-hm. So?

Well, he's done anything
to rate a hanging?

And then you'd
like his boots, huh?

Well, a pair of
slick boots like his

won't be no use to
him where he's going.

Maybe you and I can, uh,
work out a little deal, huh?

This cat's real ornery.

Yeah.

This man's a prisoner.

Stinking savages,
I'll kill them all.

Count, why don't
you just think of them

as high-spirited bullies?

Harry's got a mess
of cracked ribs.

Yeah, it figures.

Where's that stack
of newspapers?

Stage and Sports.

It's him.

Hey, I... I knowed I
seen that face before.

What is it, Pa?

Him. Count Draja.

The dude the lawman's
taking to the pokey.

Yeah, and uh... Uh, that
country he stole all that gold from,

uh, Bosnia, what...
Whatever that means,

well, it's offering a reward.

Well, it says so right there.

Oh, I forgot you can't read.

Well, it's offering a reward
in dinar. Five million dinar.

Well, how much is
that in real money, Pa?

I don't know.

Well, it figures to be plenty.

We'll total it all up exactly

after we get that old
black Count Draja away

from the lawman
and turn him in proper.

Well, come on. Let's go.

Hey, Joe, do we
have to share anything

with that Mr. Draja?

We'll straighten
that out right now.

Uh-uh.

Me and Gabe will handle this.

We want to talk to
you, Your Excellency.

Later.

My red queen is in jeopardy.

Now, ain't that a shame?

How dare you, you boar.

Shut up and listen,
Your Excellency.

What is the meaning of this?

It happens we know you
had a half million in gold

when you left Santa
Fe a week ago.

You are insane.

And we know you buried it

somewhere between
Santa Fe and Apache Pass.

You are both insane.

Well, sure.

The point is, do we get the gold

with your cooperating
nice and peaceful like?

Or do we have to
put the screws to you,

like turning you
over to the federals?

Which ain't all bad,

because there's a 5
million dinar reward we get

for being
public-spirited citizens.

I think, perhaps, it is time

that we have our
little talk, huh?

Your guesses are
really quite amusing,

but they are, after
all, only wild guesses.

Yeah, sure.

Like Buffalo Springs,
where you buried the gold?

Huh?

How did you know that?

Why else would
you be getting off

in the middle of nowhere?

Ah. I see.

You two did not figure
this out by yourselves.

Nope. We had help, all right.

Yeah, the Countess Zorana.

You're not gonna deny
you know her, I hope.

To do that, I would merely
be losing my time, would I not?

Yeah, especially since you two
had something going one time.

Oh.

So it was she who
enlisted your aid

to liberate me
from Mr. West, huh?

That's right.

Dear Zorana.

I have often wondered

whether the years have
treated her with kindness.

You'll see for yourself.

We're picking her up right now.

Funny, you sure don't
seem too all fired up

about meeting an
old flame of yours.

Well, I am, actually,
gentlemen, of course,

but, uh, it's only that it
has been so many years

since last we met.

I'm afraid that she may
have withered with time.

Women do,
unfortunately, you see.

Well, uh, why worry about it?

Go on and see for yourself.

Of course.

Oh, she is as lovely as ever.

Even lovelier, perhaps.

Completely unchanged.

And, uh, now, perhaps,
I, uh... I am wondering...

Yeah, what?

I am wondering if,

perhaps with the
passage of the years,

I may not have changed.

Would it not be strange if
she did not recognize me?

No, that'd be real
funny, wouldn't it?

Let's just see whether
she will or won't.

No, wait. What for?

Well, I wish to change
into another uniform.

The one I wore when I
first met the countess.

Yes, she... She
would never forgive me

if I did not wear that uniform.

Stay with him, Kelso,

while I welcome the
Queen of Sheba aboard.

Well, is my Draja here?

Yeah, he's in
there waiting for you

on pins and needles.

Oh.

Now, before you go in,

there's a little matter of
business that we gotta settle.

What? Oh, Lazlo has the money.

Lazlo will drive you
and your colleague

to the nearest town.

I am most grateful
for your efforts

on behalf of the
count and myself.

Goodbye. Uh,
just a minute, lady.

There's been a change in plan.

What do you mean?

Well, me and
Kelso got to thinking.

Why should we settle for $5,000

when you and the count got
a half a million dollars of gold

buried at Buffalo Springs?

So you want the money.

Not all of it.

You take the $5,000.

We'll take the half a million.

Now that you know it,

let's go explain the
deal to the count too.

Pig. Let go of
me, you dirty pig.

Go tell Gabe to
bring the count in.

Where is that uniform?

I was sure I had kept it.

A powder blue uniform.

There's a countess
Zorana waiting for you.

Forget the uniform. Ding-dang
uniform. Let's get going.

Zorana.

To think I will be seeing her
again after all these years.

I, uh, I must take a shave.

Forget it. There's a
lady waiting. Now move.

Of course.

Draja.

Zorana, my love.

I was afraid you
would find the years

had changed me.

Changed? Draja, Draja, darling,

you're still as
handsome as ever.

Oh!

Kisses now, and I will
scratch your eyes out later.

I got to admit,
for a while there

me and kelso had a parcel
of doubts about you two.

Well, Mr. West,

the charms of this
godforsaken country of yours

are beginning to
wear very, very thin.

Yeah, well, there's,
uh, an abandoned shack

about 10 miles that way.

We'll make that tonight,

and we'll be in Buffalo
Springs by noon tomorrow.

Let's go, count.

I have so many scores to
settle with you, Mr. West.

Please don't cheat me

by forcing me to shoot
you through the head.

Right away, that is.

Now, drop your rifle.

Kick it toward me,

and no tricks, please.

Count, there's someone
headed this way.

By the sound of it, there
are several headed this way.

Spare me your
pathetic little tactics, sir.

Them's their horses, Pa.

I recognize the saddle
you sold the lawman.

Well, I can see him.

Ben, you and Zack
circle around the house.

Let's see can we
take them off guard.

A bullet, to begin with,

in one of the fleshy,
non-vital areas.

Now can you hear it?

Another trick. You
will never know

how close you came
to death just now.

Well, that makes us even, count,

because you're pretty
close to death right now.

Remember the Garrisons
from San Miguel?

Well, they're waiting outside.

Waiting for what?

Ought to be obvious. For you.

They must have found out

that you have a
price on your head.

Kick me that rifle. You're
gonna need my help.

Pa!

They got Ben in the leg!

Ah, I always said that boy
was born under an unlucky star.

Hey, lawman!

I'm listening.

We got you surrounded real good.

What do you want?

Just this: We ain't mad at you.

You just hand over the count.

You can go on your merry way.

Give me a minute
to think about it.

I'm losing my patience.

You make up your mind.

Me and the boys are
coming in after you.

Don't do that.

Throw them guns out right now.

You're giving up?

Where'd he go? Pa.

He's making a break
for it. Let's get them!

Draja, my darling,

There is still no one

who makes savabchichi
the way you do.

Well, that is because
nobody has you to inspire him,

Zorana, my sweet.

You are sweet,
Draja, my darling.

Now, who are you?

And why are you
posing as Count Draja?

Did the Bosnia
government send you?

I will answer that
when you tell me why

you did not give me away.

Because I am tenderhearted

and could not see you
killed before my very eyes,

which is what they
would have done.

I agree,

but that is not why you did it.

You're right.

I was confused,

and didn't want
those pigs to know it.

I needed time to plan,

to think.

And to think that
after all this time

we are together again.

Never to be torn from
one another's arms.

What are you doing here?

Hm?

Uh, Stark said I ought to
keep an eye on you two.

Stark said?

Excuse me.

Uh, you must forgive
him, my darling.

After all, he is nothing
but an underling.

Hey, "underling." What's that?

Why don't you
tell him, my sweet?

It is someone who is
employed by another,

as you obviously are by Stark.

Hey, what are you talking
about? Me and Joe are partners.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Of course.

Well, we are.

Well, if you say so.

Of course, Stark tells everybody

that he is the leader,
but, uh, why discuss it?

Hey, did Stark tell
you he was the boss?

Well, did he?

I think it can use just
a pinch more oregano.

Well, you wait till we
get to Buffalo Springs.

I'll show him who's boss.

Hey, Stark wants you.

If he wants me, he knows
where he can find me.

I'm not taking orders
from him or anybody else.

Stark said right now.

What's eating him?

Well, you know,

when one is not used to wealth,

the thought of making $1 million

gets to be a little
bit unnerving, huh?

What million dollars?

You mean Stark and
Kelso did not tell you?

Tell me what?

About the million
dollars in gold

I had buried at Buffalo Springs.

Sure, but they, uh, said
it was a half a million.

A half?

Isn't that strange?

I think Cal and George
better know about this.

I, uh, think our savabchichi
is, uh, heating up very nicely,

don't you agree, darling?

You were telling him
that you were the boss.

We've been together five
years... I don't care what he says.

It's gonna be the way
that we planned it, right?

Fifty-fifty, partners. Huh?

Partners.

What are you trying to
do, stir up some trouble?

I?

How could I possibly do that?

By telling Gabe that
I'm the boss of this outfit.

Oh, are you not? No.

I see.

Well, then, uh, you will
not have to show him

who is boss as you
told me you would

when we get to Buffalo Springs.

Did you say that?

Well, I might have said
something like that, but I...

Stark, we want to talk
to you. What about?

About a million in gold he
buried at Buffalo Springs.

A million? Yeah, a million.

Not $500,000, like you told us.

Did you tell them that?

I forgot you asked me not to.

Well, what about it?

Uh, boys, now, listen, don't
you see what he's trying to do?

We see what you're trying to do.

He's just trying
to cause trouble,

He's gonna get us to, uh,
fighting among ourselves.

Now, we're not gonna
fall for that, are we?

Ah!

The savabchichi is boiling.

I know, darling, I know.

And that, as we say,

is that.

Is it?

I'm ready for anything.

What is it?

It's a sandstorm.

What do we do now?

We keep moving.

Zack, you and Cass get
Ben back to the house.

Abel and me's gonna find
that count and the lawman

or bust our britches trying.

Come on.

Wait!

I can't make it with this!

Back.

All right, you lead.

Don't.

It is like a club. The
Shoot Draja Club.

I merely wish a cigar,
with the lady's permission.

If I have to sit here
and look at your face

and that gun pointing at me,
I would like to have a cigar.

Uh, the humidor.

You want a cigar so
bad, I'll get you one.

Now, sit down.

Relax, Zorana, our
troubles are over.

Mine are, anyway,
Draja, my darling.

Welcome to the club.

My horse is around
here somewhere,

but he doesn't ride double.

That means that you're
gonna have to walk.

Uh-huh. The Garrisons.

They've got guns, and we don't.

We're gonna have to
make a run for it. Come on.

You may have to, but I don't.

I have something to
offer the Garrisons.

I can bargain with them,

make some sort of
accommodations, you see, huh?

Come on.

Hey, Pa.

Pretty a sight
as ever I did see.

Well, the reward
says dead or alive.

Hey! Mm?

Well, dead.

Storm must have got them.

No. Now I'll get me them boots.

Oh...! Oh! I gi...

I give up!

If you do not mind,

I would like to get
out of this disguise.

It is beginning to itch.

But no tricks.

Of course, dear lady.

Draja.

With a friend.

Really? We'll see.

Just keep on with
what you're doing.

To hear is to obey.

A little late, Jim.

What kept you?

Well, the sheriff in San Miguel
picked up the Garrisons, huh?

The marshal at Longhorn Crossing

has picked up Kelso,
Cal, Roy, and George.

Well, that winds up the whole...

Who is that?

Joe Stark.

I knew I was
forgetting something.