The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Night of the Falcon - full transcript

(indistinct chatter)

MAN: Take it on through.

Hurry it up!

Move it out!

Keep to that wagon, ma'am.

Move it, now.
Take it on through.

Hurry up.

(bird squawking)

MAN: Come on, move it
out. Come on, move that.

Hurry it up.

What are you all,



a bunch of wind-up toys?

Is that all you can say,

"Hurry up and move
on"? Come on, Mom.

Sorry, ma'am.

WOMAN: Why?

Ain't there no answers for folk?

The trooper is only
doing his job, ma'am.

Then maybe you can tell me.

I always sort of figured
the government was set up

to help out folks,

not kick them out of the
houses they were born in

and the towns
they were raised in.

The only thing we can tell you,

is that it would be dangerous
to stay on in Tonka Flats.



Okay, that's... That's
the last of 'em. Let's go.

( dramatic theme playing)

(bird squawking)

WOMAN: Bonnie?

Where's my little girl?

She was right here, Ma.

Artie, take care of the mother.

Hyah! The gray one!

It's all right. He'll get her.

Bonnie?

Bonnie? (whinnies)

Bonnie?

(mechanized quacking)

(quacking)

Hiya, Bonnie.

Let's take your duck and
go play someplace else, huh?

Come on.

Thattagirl.

(ticking)

(bird squawking)

(horse approaching)

(bird squawking)

(squawking)

(rocket approaches)

(explosion thunders)

( dramatic theme playing)

(bird squawking)

( upbeat western theme playing)

( mysterious theme playing)

(knock on door)

Colonel.

General, meet
Mr. West, Mr. Gordon.

How do you do, sir? How do?

General Lassiter, chief of
the United States ordinance.

How do you do, general?
Won't you sit down, sir?

Thank you.

Well, gentlemen, I've just
come from the Tonka Flats crater.

And I still don't
believe what I saw.

One shell did all
that? You're positive?

Absolutely, sir. Just one shell.

All right.

Well, I want that
cannon, wherever it is.

Colonel, I'm going to
deploy enough men,

a brigade if necessary,

to comb all that
ground until I get it.

No, sir. I wouldn't
do that if I were you.

You may find a
cannon and lose a city.

Last week, the state department
received a letter in the mail,

signed "The Falcon,"

demanding $1 million
as a down payment,

or else the city of Denver

quite simply would
cease to exist.

Well, go on.

The next day, the department
received a follow-up note

from The Falcon,

announcing that
at precisely 12:00,

by some meaningful
demonstration,

the town of Tonka Flats
would be obliterated.

All right.

So now we know where we are.

Somewhere there's a
cannon that can spell

the difference
between heaven or hell

for the entire country.

How do you propose to get it?

Well, I have no idea, general,

but I'm sure that, uh,
Mr. West and Mr. Gordon

will find a way.

( playful theme playing)

( dramatic theme playing)

(bird squawking)

(horse approaching)

Hyah!

(gunshot)

(man yells)

( dramatic theme playing)

(horse whinnies)

(bird squawking)

(door opens)

Jim, I think I found some
very interesting developments

on those shell fragments...

You're not Jim, are you?

Alas, no, señor.

But do not let that stop you.

Tell me about these
interesting developments.

Oh, I wouldn't think
of boring you, señor.

Oh, ho-ho-ho. Please.

Bore me, señor.

Well, well, how
can I resist a request

made in such a charming manner?

Uh, to begin with, señor,

this is what is known as
a shell fragment, you see.

No, señor.

Neither of us can
afford the luxury

of wasting precious time.

Let me put into words
what we both know.

We have received from
The Falcon an invitation

to witness an
extraordinary demonstration.

Are we agreed?

Well, it was rather
interesting, yes.

And we will be asked
to pay through the nose

for his product.

Agreed again?

It would be childish
to think otherwise.

Hm. So we come to
the heart of my proposal.

I have observed you

carrying souvenirs
away from the crater.

And it is my conclusion

that you have discovered
The Falcon's secret,

and I want to share it with you.

I see.

What would...? What would
you think if I were to tell you

that I'm completely baffled?

(sighs)

(whip cracks)

In Cádiz once,

a very careless fellow

made the mistake of jostling me,

and my friend here
took off both his ears

before he even knew
what had happened.

Now, you were saying?

Uh, in order for
me to demonstrate

what I've discovered, it...

It will be necessary for
me to turn up that burner.

Uh, if I may?

It'll be my pleasure
to do it for you.

Please.

(roars)

Do you notice the
telltale greenish glow

of that metal when
exposed to the flame?

Need I say more?

Exactly what does that mean?

Well, that's the classic
blender-detry action.

It indicates the presence
of framus bodies

in the molecular structure.

Well, you know what
that means, don't you?

Well, no, I...

You tell me, señor,
and do not delay.

I would be delighted to.

Actually, it's quite simple.

You see, the framus bodies
are constantly interreacting

with the pyrite
formations in the metal,

resulting in a greater
polarization of the hypotenuse,

which the square of,
as everybody knows,

is equal to the sum of...

Señor!

My friend thinks that perhaps

you are enjoying
yourself at our expense.

Perhaps if you
were to lose an ear

you might hear better and...

(gunshot)

I, um... I'd like you to
meet my friend now, señor.

Uh, Jim, this is, uh...

Isn't that funny?

You never got around
to giving me your name.

Oh, it was an oversight.

Please forgive me.

Felice Munez, at your service.

And please note,

I speak for the
Barcelona syndicate.

Ah, of course.

Uh, señor Munez is also here

at the invitation
of The Falcon, Jim.

Or so he says.

How do we know you're
who you say you are?

(laughs)

Oh, you're testing
me, eh, señores?

(laughs) Very well.

All right. Now, one month ago,
my syndicate received a note

from a man who calls
himself "The Falcon."

As you know, he
claims to have perfected

the most powerful weapon
in history, and it is for sale.

So to paraphrase
the immortal Caesar,

I came to Tonka Flats, I
saw the demonstration,

I was conquered.

Where were you supposed
to meet The Falcon?

Well, the instructions were

that we were to be contacted
by an agent who was...

(fuse hisses)

( tense theme playing)

(explosion thunders)

( dramatic theme playing)

( dramatic theme playing)

(door opens)

Well, scratch one
Spanish gentleman

from the wrong
side of the tracks.

And one would-be assassin.

Good things seem
to run in pairs.

We... We were the
ones that he was after.

You realize that, of course.

No, not him?

Uh-uh.

It'd be interesting to know why.

Señor Munez here seemed
to think that I had found out

the secret of the Tonka
Flats cannon shell.

Did you?

No, I didn't.

All I found was the presence
of a couple of chemicals

that no had no business
being in an artillery shell.

That's all.

Beyond that, I can't ima...

Wait a minute.

What is it?

It's a prescription,
believe it or not.

Asafetida and hot
dandelion wine.

That's an old-fashioned
country remedy for colds.

That's odd. He didn't
seem to have a cold, Artie.

No, he didn't.

GORDON: Wait a minute.
Here's something else that's odd.

Come on.

Yeah, that's just as I thought.

Look. There's Sinful, Colorado,

right smack in the middle of
an arc that connects Salidas,

Rome Plateau, and Tonka Flats.

This could be the source of
something we're looking for.

Right. You wanna try
this on for size, Jim?

That's not just a prescription.

That's an invitation...

from a Falcon.

( dramatic theme playing)

(Spanish accent):
Isn't that extraordinary?

To think that your
destination, like mine,

is the town of Sinful.

(man laughs)

Tell me, might a
gentleman inquire

for why so a...

(speaks Spanish)

So...? So lovely a señorita

is going to such a town for?

Why shouldn't I
be going to Sinful?

It's my hometown, señor, uh...?

Munez. Felice Munez.

How do you do? I'm Lana Benson.

Encantado, señorita.

(laughs)

Señor, isn't that extraordinary?

GORDON: Huh? About
the señorita and me?

(German accent): Not really.

I, for instance, am
also traveling to Sinful.

No.

That is extraordinary,
señor, eh...

Arliss Heindorf,
from Dusseldorf.

I'm a commercial
traveler in heavy castings.

Ah.

And I... I am touring
this glorious West.

You know, I read about this town

with the charming
name of "Sinful,"

and call it a whim if you will,

I had to see it for myself.

We're coming to a town.
Will we be stopping?

We'll probably take
on some passengers.

MAN: Whoa!

(British accent) A bit
of a furnace, isn't it?

(chuckles)

Anyone got the foggiest

how much farther
it is to Sinful?

GORDON: No!

Are you...? Are you going...?

Is that your
destination, señores?

That is extraordinary!

My name is Munez,
this is señorita Benson,

and that is señor Heindorf,

and we are all
going to Sinful too.

(Gordon laughs)

I am Serville Balya.
Constantinople.

Ah.

Fine linens, flaxen goods.

Third generation.
Family-owned firm.

Uh-huh.

Oh, charmed, I'm sure.

Clive Marchmount here.

Out of Manchester.

Been a little peaky.

Traveling for me
health, you might say.

(chuckles)

(snaps)

(crickets chirping)

(knock at door)

Patience. Patience out there.

What are you selling, young man?

Nothing.

I'm here in need
of medical attention.

Well, that's better.
Just come on in.

Sit right over there.
Thank you, doctor.

Oh, thank you.

People always wasting my time

with sicknesses that hadn't
even been invented yet.

Let's hope there's nothing
fancy wrong with you.

Oh, nothing fancy,
doctor. Just a... Just a cold.

Really?

Tongue out.

Tongue in.

Absolutely no sign of a cold.

I'm sure there's something
you can prescribe for me.

Prescribe a prescription?

Well, you just go on home

and put another
blanket on your bed

and drink a good hot rum toddy.

And good evening to you.

But don't you usually prescribe

asafetida and hot
dandelion wine?

Who told you that?

Oh, I don't know.

Someone who had
a cold once, I guess.

Well, where are you staying?

Nowhere. I just got in town.
I'm looking for a hotel room.

Oh, good.

Uh, well, you ask for room 28.

It's free from drafts,
has a good sunny view.

It's perfect for someone
in your condition.

Uh, your name, sir?

James West.

Very well, Mr. West. I'll send
a prescription over later on.

Oh, thank you, doctor.

Bye.

Well, goodbye, gentlemen.

I hope you'll enjoy
your stay here in Sinful.

Thank you very much, señorita,

and may I venture
to hazard the hope

that it will be my good
fortune to meet with you again.

(speaks Spanish)

Oh, thank you.

Colorful group
that just walked in.

They're all here for The
Falcon's merchandise.

Yeah, it figures there
would be a lot of takers

for that commodity.

See Humphries yet?

Mm-hm.

He has two different
prescriptions for a cold.

He could be The
Falcon's contact man.

Mmm.

I'll have an attack of sinus.

May I suggest the
renowned Dr. Humphries?

He gives immediate relief.

Thank you, señor.

( tranquil theme playing)

( mysterious theme playing)

Señorita Benson.

Ah, what a fortunate
night this is for me

to see you again

and get the doctor's
prescription filled

all at the same time.

You're not in pain, I hope.

Oh, as soon as I get

my mixture of asafetida
and dandelion wine,

I will get
instantaneous results.

Complete relief from
pain and discomfort.

(door shuts)

(gun cocks)

I think I'm gonna have
another sinus attack.

(pendulum stops)

(all grunting)

( suspenseful theme playing)

( ominous theme playing)

My nurse tells me that you like

my prescription, señor Munez.

You'll be happy to know

I've found a new
way to administer it.

I know you're not
going to believe this,

but I was completely
happy with the old way.

Now, when you wake up,
you'll be with The Falcon,

only you won't know where
you are or how you got there.

HUMPHRIES: You see?

And now, señor,

may you have pleasant dreams

about a successful
end to the negotiations.

( mysterious theme playing)

( dramatic theme playing)

( action theme playing)

( mysterious theme playing)

(metallic whoosh)

(grunts)

( mysterious theme playing)

(sighs)

( dramatic theme playing)

(gavel pounding)

As you can now realize,

the drug I administered

is not only free from any
unpleasant aftereffects,

it is also remarkably
precise and predictable

in its length of action.

HEINDORF: Wait.

I haven't come here

to have dealings
with a country doctor.

I insist on dealing

directly with The Falcon.

Well, I'm sure The
Falcon will give you

more than your share of
attention, Herr Heindorf.

Am I to understand

that these others

are to participate
in our business?

Yes, my dear Heindorf,
and I can assure you

they all have as
impeccable a pedigree

as yourself.

For instance, señor Munez,

head of the admirable syndicate

that controls every penny worth

of violent crime and major vice

in Barcelona.

Please, señor, you
will turn my head.

And Serville Balya,
whose organization

so masterfully controls
and promotes the use

of all opium and cocaine in
the region of the Bosporus.

Third generation,
family-owned firm.

HUMPHRIES: Mr. Marchmount,

who has parlayed a
small blackmail business

into the largest
extortion operation

in the British Isle.

(chuckles) Just a
knack, you know.

That's all. Heh.

HUMPHRIES: And of course
you yourself, my dear Heindorf,

whose splendid old firm
has taken murder and arson

out of the hands
of the amateurs.

Beside the point.

I was told that I wouldn't have
anyone bidding against me.

I'm absolutely outraged.

Señor Heindorf,

you outrage a little
bit too easily, huh?

After all, competition is
the lifeblood of business,

is it not?

MARCHMOUNT: Right. Heh.

Improves the breed, puts
the other man on his toes,

and that sort of thing.

(indistinct chatter)

(gavel pounding)

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

I have called this
meeting to order.

This way, please, gentlemen.

(metallic rumbling)

( dramatic theme playing)

(Marchmount sighs)

I've seen some beautiful
women in my day.

Oh, but this!

Now one can really understand

the beauty of the
Tonka Flats affair.

(speaks German)

I must have it.

(mechanized quacking)

(quacking continues)

(quacking continues)

(door closes)

Quack.

No!

(thuds)

That's far enough.

Ah, something here I
should not see perhaps, hey?

Maybe, but you'll know that
when The Falcon wants you to.

(gong reverberates)

(metallic rumbling)

Look!

Welcome to The
Falcon's lair, gentlemen.

So the mild-mannered
country doctor

becomes The Falcon.

A bird of a different feather,

wouldn't you say, Heindorf?

Forgive me.

My little charade
was troublesome

but absolutely essential.

You there. You're not supposed
to be in the supply room.

I'm sorry.

(grunts)

How much? How much
for it? Name your price.

I will pay you.

There are two Falcon cannons.

Now, one I shall keep,

the other I shall give away
to one of you absolutely free.

There's a catch, of course.

FALCON: Yes, Heindorf,

as you say, there is a catch.

You see, the cannon
is only a very small part

of the overall weapon.

Its lifeblood, so to speak,

is the gunpowder,
the catalytic agent.

HUMPHRIES: It is that which
makes the cannon what it is.

Whichever of you
is fortunate enough

to be given a cannon,

will rule all of Europe,

and with the other,

I will rule America.

But the cannon owner
will need my gunpowder,

and for this he will pay,
and pay very, very dearly.

This is all kinderspiel.

Now, how much do you want
for the cannon, the gunpowder,

and the...? Not for
sale! Not for sale!

Then I want nothing further
to do with your negotiations.

(chuckles)

I think that if anyone
tries to stop me,

he will live just long
enough to regret it.

HEINDORF: This is no
ordinary gun, meine herren.

It fires the very strongest,

most destructive dumdum bullet.

When it strikes, it just...

(screams)

HUMPHRIES: Now, gentlemen...

(sighs)

if there are no
further objections,

may I suggest we
conclude our transaction?

( dramatic theme playing)

(shrieking)

(gong reverberates)

Gentlemen, make
yourselves comfortable.

GORDON: Eh, señor,

since the cannon is to
be presented to me free...

(laughs) I mean,
to one of us free,

I think that it may be possible

to cut this conference
very short, huh?

If you be good enough to
name your price, I will pay it,

and this meeting is over.

Simple.

I lodge a protest.

It is I who will pay
the price... in gold.

Oh, not so ruddy fast,
the pair of you. Heh.

You're not running your
shoddy little back-alley operations

in Barcelona and
Constantinople now, you know.

(chuckles)

I'll match any reasonable offer

in British pounds sterling.

Gentlemen, I never
intended to name a price

for my gunpowder.

Instead, the best offer

that comes my way.

GORDON: So... an auction.

Bueno!

In that case, I will
start to roll the ball

for everybody with a
nice round figure, huh?

$5 million.

You begin at 5 million?

(chuckles)

Maybe you'd better
go back to selling

Turkish delights
to tourists, Balya.

(laughs) (laughs)

MARCHMOUNT: Aye,
and the price of blackmail

is gonna have to go
up a couple of notches.

I'll make it 7 million.

Seven million, five-hundred
thousand. In gold.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen,
this is preposterous.

I have... I have partners
to consult in this matter.

MARCHMOUNT: Then consult.
BALYA: They are in Damascus,

Constantinople. Heh.

I represent a group whose
interests blanket every city

in the Near East.

I thought I made it clear

that the syndicates
were to send emissaries

with decision-making powers.

Oh, I can make a decision.

It is only a matter

of the decision
itself, you understand.

BALYA: My colleagues,

if they did not have faith

in my good judgment...

Poof.

Then what's your decision now?

All right.

All right!

My decision now is...

$8 million.

Señores,

I think it is time

that we separated the bulls

from the calves, huh?

So I, for one,

am prepared to make
a nice round offer.

Señor, what happened
to your good round offer?

It would, uh, seem

that it has rolled away
and deluded me, eh? Oh!

Sorry.

But, uh,

let me get this straight, señor,

through that door

and down the
corridor to the left,

in its own cannon room,

stands the greatest weapon
ever invented in all of history,

and it's not 150
yards from this room.

Correct? Precisely.

GORDON: My point, gentlemen,

is that I shall start high.

$10 million.

MARCHMOUNT: Well,
that's a good offer, Spaniard,

but not good enough.

Twelve million,

on deposit right now
in the Bank of England.

BALYA: Gentlemen...
Gentlemen, please.

There is a limit

to the markup on opium.

BALYA: All right.

I will make

my last, my final offer.

$12,500,000 in gold.

MARCHMOUNT: $15 million's worth

in British pounds sterling.

Now top that.

Now listen, Englishman,
I can top that.

And then you will
have to top that,

and I will have to top that,

and so on and so on.

MARCHMOUNT: So,
what are you getting at?

GORDON: Ah, here
is what I am getting at:

Instead of you and
me fighting one another,

why don't we
combine forces, huh?

We form a syndicate,

we can top easily

$20 million.

Would that be an attractive
figure to you, señor?

At that figure,

I would consider closing
the bidding, gentlemen.

Hmm?

Uh, gentlemen, please,
uh, what about me?

GORDON: I am sorry,
Balya. Then it's settled, huh?

We divide Europe
between the two of us.

MARCHMOUNT: Where's
the line to be drawn?

GORDON: Ah, that is a
detail that can be settled later.

We are talking about
taking over nations.

BALYA: Gentlemen, please.

GORDON: All
Europe, the Near East.

We must have Turkey. Uh, Turkey?

Constantinople's
the clearing-house

of the blackmailing business.

GORDON: Would
you consider, then,

that we have a
governing committee?

BALYA: So! You plan to cut
me out of your syndicate, eh?

GORDON: I am desolate, Balya,

but there are only so many ways

that one can cut a
pie, you understand.

I will show you something
about cutting a pie.

( tense theme playing)

(grunts)

(indistinct chatter)

West has gotten out of the cell.

Well, what are you
standing there for?

(alarm sounding)

The alarm in the cannon room.

FALCON: At least
we know where he is.

FALCON: I want
every available man.

FALCON: Don't move, West!

Let it never be said

that The Falcon doesn't
appreciate ingenuity.

Therefore, I'm
going to allow you

to witness a shot that
will be heard, quite literally,

around the world.

Your government had been told

if there was any interference,

one of the West's largest
cities would be destroyed.

This cannon is loaded

for the total
obliteration of Denver.

GUARD: Mr. Falcon?

Let him watch the
firing, then kill him.

Adjust the sights.

Three degrees right.

MAN: Three
degrees right... mark.

Seventy-two degrees elevation.

MAN: Seventy-two
degrees elevation...

mark.

FALCON: No good, West.
It's too late to stop me.

The timing sequence has started.

It cannot be stopped!

(grunts)

FALCON: Don't you
understand? It's too late.

Denver will be blown to bits!

(grunts)

(thuds)

(metallic whining)

GORDON: I only hope we can
blow this up before it goes off.

Don't leave me. Please.

(coughs, sobs)

(coughs)

That shell had "Denver"
written all over it.

Do you think you
managed to divert it?

(shell approaches)

( western theme playing)

GORDON: Munez, Heindorf,

Balya, Marchmount,

Humphries, Felton,
all the rest of 'em.

All dead.

The dream of kings,

and it dies on some
lonely mountaintop.

Never thought it would
end that way, did you?

No.

And what about me?

I wasn't that deeply involved.

Oh, of course not.

I helped The
Falcon, I'll admit that.

But who knows
besides the two of you?

And why should we turn in
a practically innocent girl?

Well, I could go
somewhere, start over again,

even change my name.

I'd be more appreciative
than I could ever tell you.

Oh, I knew you would be.

From the first, you impressed
me as an appreciative girl.

Mm-hm. GORDON: Yes.

All you really wanted was
a chance to prove yourself.

Is this proof enough?

Oh, that's proof, all right.

Now, if you both
stay right there,

as a reward for saving
my life, I won't shoot you.

Well, she does have a
sense of what's fair, Jim.

Don't do anything foolish.

I never do,

which means I wouldn't
leave a loaded gun around.

(gasps) No!

She's all yours, marshal.
Take good care of her.

Where she's going,

she'll get the best of care

for a long time to come.

(door closes)

You know, for a minute there,
she had me a little worried.

I mean, until you told me
the gun wasn't loaded, I...

( playful theme playing)

( upbeat western theme playing)

( upbeat western theme playing)