The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Night of the Watery Death - full transcript

I'm looking for the
Marquis Philippe de La Mer.

Sit there.

Good evening, Mr. West.

Here, right in front of you.

Good of you to rendezvous
on such short notice.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am the Marquis
Philippe de La Mer.

Oh, your note said our meeting

was in the interest
of national security.

Indeed it will be, Mr. West.

Indeed it will.



Uh, why don't, uh...? Why
don't we knock off the games?

No games. Not even darts.

Well, hello.

I was beginning to think
you were going down

for the third time.

Who are you?

A woman in the night

whom you proceeded to
charm, then promenade,

only to fall asleep.

I can't remember your name.

I didn't tell it to you.

Well, that's very nice.

I like nice things.

And expensive.



And hard-to-get things.

How did I get aboard this ship?

What's the matter?

The United States Navy doesn't
run on fairy tales, Mr. West.

I gave you the facts, Keighley.

Facts? Heh-heh.

You told me a story
about a mermaid,

a talking blowfish
and a sea dragon,

and now you want
me to go running

to the Naval
secretary and tell him

that it all adds up to
some vague calamity.

Uh, somebody went
to a lot of trouble

to get me aboard the Lady Luck

before she went down.

You have delusions, West.

Lieutenant.

The Navy's most valuable
officer, Admiral Farragut,

will be in San
Francisco in three days

aboard the Navy's biggest
and best-equipped ship.

The S.S. Virginia has
nothing to do with your dreams.

Uh, you see no connection
between her arrival

and the sinking
of the Lady Luck?

By a dragon? No.

Think about it, lieutenant.

It was only a fluke that no one
drowned aboard the Lady Luck,

and the Virginia will be
carrying high explosives.

West, I see no real threat,

not to Admiral Farragut,
the Virginia, or the U.S. Navy,

and that's final.

Tell your story to
the Army, West.

I'm sure they'll get a real
bang out of the mermaid

and the talking blowfish.

Ah, Gordon.

Pray, what have you
dredged up from the briny,

Neptune himself?

I'll bet that man
furnishes enough wind

to sail his whole ship.

What's the word, Artie?

I checked all the
passengers on the Lady Luck.

No one remembers
your mysterious woman,

no one saw a dragon.

All they know is one minute

the croupier was
spinning the roulette wheel,

the next minute, boom.

The key.

No luck with that, either.

You know, I couldn't even
find the Mermaid Tavern.

Can't you remember
anything at all about it, Jim?

Only scraps that
no one will believe.

And the welt,

like a heavyweight mosquito
made a meal outta me.

Obviously, what you
saw wasn't any dragon.

Must have been a
bomb of some kind,

a pretty sophisticated
device at that.

A bomb that swims?

Yeah, yeah.

Disguised as a dragon.

Put that together with a mermaid

and a talking fish...

And you have to eat crow

to someone the
likes of Keighley.

I'd like to meet the mentality

that put it all together
and made it work.

Brilliant.

Warped, but brilliant and
highly imaginative. Jim.

Look at the pattern
this compact makes.

These dots here
represent the diamonds.

And when you connect them...

Voilà. One sea serpent.

Now, that compact
definitely links the sea serpent

and your mysterious woman.

Keighley's got to
believe you now.

The Virginia arrives

sometime in the next 24 hours.

We can't wait for him
to make up his mind.

Hold it, Jim.

I owe you a dollar.

Oh, there's no rush, Artie.

Oh-ho, this is one
silver dollar you can use.

Here, catch.

I know how you like
to hang on to money,

but this is ridiculous.

Something new?

Yeah, magnetized.

And sensitive to heat.

Five-second's exposure to
anything over 110 degrees,

boom.

Amazing town, isn't it?

Nobody knows
anything about jewels.

Not even the jewelers.

Three Anchors.

What for?

How about a seagoing pawnshop?

Yeah, maybe.

Ah, just getting
ready to close up,

but welcome aboard, me hearties.

Captain Pratt at your service.

Ah, few it 'tis that
can pay the price,

but you see around you
the finest, the authentic-est.

Now, tell me just
what it is you seek.

The finest-carved figurehead,
an eye from a Chinese junk,

for in the words of
our Oriental brethren,

"A ship without an
eye cannot see."

A jewel-encrusted peg leg.

Or, uh... Or is it
charts you want?

Oh, we didn't come
to buy, captain.

We have an item you
might be interested in.

Uh, you're not men of the sea,

and I handle nothing
that's not seaborne nor bred.

Now, for me to be
interested, you...

Five!

Five what? PRATT: Thousand!

Uh, I don't know, Jim.

It's worth more than that on
sentimental reasons alone.

Ah, believe me, me hearties,

you'll want to sell it and
forget you ever saw it.

Oh, not at that
price, old sailor.

How much?

Triple.

Sold!

You're, uh... You're not much
of a businessman, old sailor.

These diamonds aren't
worth more than $3,000.

What is it you're really buying?

Now, suppose that
there was this here gent

among me
acquaintances that was a...

A collector?

How did you know?

I'll just bet he's a
collector of dragons.

Who said anything about dragons?

Could you arrange a meeting

between, uh, this
collector and us?

Where can I find you
within an hour from now?

Where is it you'd like us to be?

Yeah, there's a most
acceptable groggery.

You're familiar perhaps
with the Mermaid?

Ha. On Grant Street. Heh-heh.

At two bells, hm?

Well, we're right back where
you started: the Mermaid.

Well, at least we know
where she is, Artie.

Grant Street.

Come on. I'll show you the
stuff dreams are made of.

Uh, that's your mermaid?

I'm not saying a thing. I'm
not even thinking anything.

If you say you saw a
mermaid, you saw a mermaid

and not, uh, King Neptune.

Uh, don't be so
impatient, Artie.

Oh, yes, this is
the typical, uh,

elegant, quiet little key club.

And that is where
the voice came from.

Oh, he's got class.
Yes, yes, yes.

I would say that he
definitely belongs.

I wish I could say as
much for the bartender.

Oh, him I don't remember.

Don't worry, Artie.
We've got the compact.

We'll soon be getting a message.

Hm.

Watch it, Jim!

Ah!

I guess that was our message.

Yeah. I must say,
Captain Pratt's collectors

are very serious
about their business.

Let's go see Captain Pratt, huh?

You better stay out here
in case our friends show up.

You got five minutes, all right?

Oh, give me ten. The captain
may be a heavy sleeper.

Face it, Artemus, old boy.

Mermaid Tavern has set sail.

And so has Jim.

Hi.

Should have known you'd be here.

I'm sorry I had to leave in
such a hurry the other night,

but friends were expecting me.

I thought of giving you a lift

but it was such a small boat,

and I loathe cramped quarters.

If it's the compact
you're after,

I haven't got it.

Why the ropes?

The marquis is a
very careful man.

Well, that's reassuring.
The Marquis de La Mer?

Philippe de La Mer.

De La Mer means,
uh, "of the sea."

Any particular sea or
the whole sea in general?

He's the ruling sovereign
of that country called La Mer.

That's delightful, but
I... I've never heard of it.

You soon will.

The whole world will
tremble at its name.

You slept well, Mr. West?

I always seem to get my
rest when we get together.

Dominique.

She interests you?

I'd say I interest her more,
but I don't have the compact.

I'm terribly sorry I
can't offer you any ale.

Oh, I'm... I'm on duty anyway.

Your remark about the
compact is interesting.

Why should we want to retrieve

a poorly-fashioned
accessory like that

when we have Mr. James West?

You nearly succeeded in
killing my partner and myself

at the Mermaid Tavern tonight,

and I wouldn't be here right now

unless you thought
I had the compact

or knew where it was.

Very clever.

Smooth.

Yes.

It precludes the necessity

of having to climb out
of bed every morning.

This way... You walk out of bed.

My weakness for gadgetry,

as you may well have gathered.

This, my underwater
wonder world,

mermaids, taverns,
my sea dragons.

And compacts.

Go on.

You engineered everything

from the Mermaid Tavern
to the gambling ship,

and getting me aboard
just in time for Dominique

to point out the dragon
coming out of the sea

before the ship went down.

Elementary, sir.

But why?

You needed an expert witness,
someone who could testify

that sea dragons were coming
out of the sea to sink ships.

But they didn't
believe you, did they?

Just so they would remember

when it happens the next time.

Tonight at midnight,

when the S.S. Virginia
arrives in San Francisco.

What I can't figure out

is why you want to
sink our battleship

with our most famous
naval hero aboard.

Perhaps I'll tell you.

What you hadn't figured on

was that I'd take the
compact home with me.

You will die.

I've faced that
possibility before.

Your friend, Mr. Artemus
Gordon will die too.

I have no doubt he's in
possession of the compact.

Tell me,

why did you hang on to it?

To see Dominique again?

Or was it just a reflex?

A little of both.

It has made it very
difficult for all of us.

Particularly for Captain Pratt.

Yes?

I'm afraid we'll have
to continue our chat

a little later.

Preparations for
tonight's festivities

demand my immediate,
personal attention.

Watch him.

Tell me, Dominique,
what does a girl like you

do around here
on Saturday nights?

I looked all over for him.

He wasn't at the Three
Anchors. Nobody was.

And the Mermaid Tavern
doesn't even exist anymore.

We've heard such stories
from your friend West.

Well, this one I can
vouch for. I was there.

So now you believe
in the dragon too.

No! No dragon. A bomb
disguised as a dragon.

It swims toward
its target, explosion.

No more target, no more dragon.

That's preposterous.

Do you plan to just
sit there and wait

until the S.S. Virginia
and Admiral Farragut

wind up at the
bottom of the bay?

I can't spare men
to hunt for West.

I am not asking you to spare
anybody to hunt for West.

Just keep Farragut
off the Virginia.

I'll find West.

You're giving me no better
reasons than West did, Gordon.

If he's that lost, what are
you going to find him with,

a crystal ball?

You and West, two of a kind.

You've both cracked.

You implied I was not practical.

I didn't say that.

I said that you're cracked.

You disappoint me.

I thought you were more
than just one of those dull,

regimented little minds
which overpopulate the world.

You are not a man
of vision, Mr. West.

Tell me:

Why a country cannot
be made out of water?

Why someday man
cannot harvest the oceans

and move and live
beneath its waves?

Some countries are made of land,

some partly land, partly water.

Mine will be the first
water-based country.

La Mer, formerly known
as the Pacific Ocean.

I can't see our country

turning over its entire Navy
and Merchant Fleet to you.

Then my sea dragons
will sink everything afloat.

I've seen what your
dragons can do.

Release me, and
I'll make every effort

to have our president negotiate

for a permanent
place for La Mer.

Even if he were
serious, Mr. West,

it's much too early for that.

When the S.S. Virginia
is blown to the bottom,

then you might
perhaps negotiate for us.

The Virginia's a man-o'-war
loaded with explosives.

An entire crew may go down.

An even better moral
for President Grant

and his cabinet to
draw from my dragons.

You and Admiral Farragut

would make an absolutely
superb negotiating team.

Dominique, we'll have
to start wasting time

retrieving the compact
from Mr. Gordon.

Come along.

All right.

That's quite a night-light.

A disintegrating force field.

You know how I love gadgets.

Interesting. What
do you feed it?

Oh, almost anything.

Wood, for instance.

Even government
agents, Mr. West.

When the captain ♪

♪ Were hollering ♪

♪ That I steer the ship ♪

♪ And he were windy willing ♪

♪ And I went in the open sea ♪

♪ With gold on my hands ♪

♪ And I fell when I
thought I was the king ♪

♪ Then the captain
Were yelling 'cause... ♪

That's him. ♪ ...Don't
steer the ship ♪

♪ I must steer but I didn't ♪

♪ Do a thing When he drank... ♪

Captain Pratt.

I... I was, uh, wondering

whether you had
anything for an old sailor.

Oh, sorry, mate. Heh.

Uh... I... I seem to be
walking the wrong plank for...

Uh...

Uh... Uh... Uh, don't try...

All right, gentlemen,

let's none of us do anything
we'll be sorry for later.

Leaving so soon, Mr. West?

Back up.

Come on.

That's right.

Boys?

Bring him along.

Something bothering you, West?

No.

I'm just appreciating.

Where are we?

A summer place near
Fisherman's Point.

That's a long distance
from San Francisco Bay.

My dragons can seek out
and destroy the S.S. Virginia

wherever she is.

Actually, the idea of projecting
explosives along the water

started centuries
ago with the Chinese.

Leonardo da Vinci
improved on it,

but I am the first one

to actually utilize the
principles involved,

adding a generous pinch of
my own personal brand of, uh...

How shall I put it?

Mental warfare.

You not only blow up ships,

you terrorize with
a fire-eating dragon.

This propeller
rotates at high speed,

pushing the missile
across the water.

Here.

This switch sets her course.

This one activates
the propeller.

And when I pull
the red switch...

The mechanism is locked,
and she's on her way.

Exactly. This tail
serves as a rudder

to steady her as she goes.

Now, once the course is set,

what happens if
the target alters?

That, sir, is my secret.

If the dragon is such
a perfect weapon,

why practice on the U.S. fleet?

Big new country,
poorly-armed Navy.

Perfect situation.

With you people out of the way,

half the Pacific will be mine.

Clearing the other
half will be easy.

And then I might start
thinking about the Atlantic.

And the British?

Too late.

La Mer will be a major power
with a fleet second to none.

Then let ships of
any other nation

try and violate my territory.

If two land-based countries

want to trade with each
other over the water,

their goods will be loaded
on ships belonging to La Mer,

delivered at the
pleasure of La Mer

with prices and tariffs
levied by La Mer.

Listen, I... I don't
mean to be asking

any embarrassing questions,

but don't you think we're
all getting a little bit old

for blind man's bluff?

Ah, the ever-graceful
Mr. Gordon has arrived.

Well, that was
a... Hey, hi, Jim.

I was afraid you weren't
gonna get here in time, Artie.

Oh, now, you know I'd never
let you down. What's new?

Say hello to the dragon man.

Hello, dragon man.

Mr. Gordon, the compact, please.

Uh...

Enchanté, mademoiselle.

Make them both as
uncomfortable as possible.

All right, hit the deck.

Dominique.

Well, there you are.

Did you ever get the feeling

that we're just being
dragged from pillar to post?

Well, thanks to our
lamebrained young friend

Lieutenant Keighley,

Farragut and the Virginia

are gonna be sitting ducks
for the marquis' dragon.

Unless we can find
out what his secret is.

Don't tell me there's
one I haven't heard about.

He's got a new steering
gadget of some kind.

Artie, why did the
marquis permit Dominique

to be aboard the ship
just before it exploded?

What if she hadn't
gotten off in time?

Maybe without here there,

the sea dragons
wouldn't have made it.

Suppose she planted
some kind of homing device.

Her compact.

Right.

No wonder they
were ready to kill us

to get it back.

That's the one secret
the marquis couldn't afford

to share with anybody.

Yeah, but if that's
what it takes,

Dominique and her compact,

then the marquis
can't sink the Virginia.

I mean, Dominique
can never get aboard.

Or can she?

A woman aboard
a U.S. man-o'-war?

She came aboard off a skiff.

Says she has a message
from a certain Mr. West.

Hmm, West. Hmph.

Show her in. Yes, sir.

Miss?

Gentlemen.

Let's go.

Come on.

Artie, I think it's time

to kick up our
heels and live a little.

So you see, you must not
bring the ship into the bay,

for the marquis will blow it up.

Jim says you should sail
the ship to Fisherman's Point.

He wants us to take this
ship to Fisherman's Point?

Well, the dragon
can't reach you there.

Oh, the dragon. Of course.

Jim will contact you there...

if he can.

You must understand, lieutenant,

that I had no idea that
my uncle, the marquis,

was such a despicable man.

Why, when Jim came
and told me about him,

at first I didn't believe him.

Well, we escaped this evil man.

That is, I escaped.

Poor Mr. West.

He remained behind.

I suppose he would.

Uh, excuse me, miss,
uh, whatever-your-name is,

uh, please pull
yourself together.

I'll be right back.

What's that?

It's the force
field. It can kill you.

Something wrong?

Turn it off.

Oh, aren't they clever, Jim?

They're gonna check to make sure

that we're still
tied to the pillars.

You know, one
thing that's really nice

about having visitors...

Come on, mate, open the hatch.

One, two, three.

Artie, you got to get
aboard the S.S. Virginia.

Find Dominique and
get the homing device.

Right. What about you?

I'm gonna get me a dragon.

Where do you think
you're going, Mr. West?

I give you a choice of deaths:

A bullet or disintegration.

I want you to stay alive,

to serve me as chief negotiator

for the United
States government.

Take him below.

I really didn't see any cause
for the admiral to shout so.

After all, we all make mistakes.

He was right. I should
have reported it sooner,

instead of waiting until now.

Well, the important
thing is you did report it,

and that silly old
admiral is taking the boat

to Fisherman's Point.

Will you be safe ashore?

Oh, yes. My sister's
picking me up at the dock.

Lieutenant, I'd like to thank
you for your many kindnesses.

Miss,

I'm very sorry, but I have
to place you under arrest.

I'm sorry, but you
can't do that, lieutenant.

Keighley? Oh.

What happened to
that young woman

who came aboard
about an hour ago?

Ahead of you, Mr. Gordon.
Way ahead of you.

Interesting little
spyglass you have there.

More than just a spyglass.

One day such a
device will enable men

to see from beneath the
water the world above.

Think, West,

distant grandchildren of
my tawdry little dragons

ranging on the water,

denizens of the deepest oceans,

able to unleash the
most awesome destruction

to the world above.

Imagine how such a weapon
will control all shipping,

the lifeblood of every
country in the world.

And tonight's
just the beginning.

Take off his coat and vest.

I don't want any more nonsense
with these hidden devices.

Prepare torpedo.

Fill her belly to
the brim, boys.

In less than 30 minutes,

you can watch how the
pride of the United States fleet

will go to Davy Jones's locker.

It will take longer
than that for your toy

to travel from here to the bay,

and still longer to find
the Virginia and hit her.

The S.S. Virginia is
not in the bay anymore.

She's right out there
at Fisherman's Point.

Dominique took word from
you to Lieutenant Keighley,

and you know how
convincing Dominique can be.

Meantime, she's planted
a homing device aboard.

Precisely.

Artemus knows about it too,

and he's gonna be looking
for your precious little compact.

Mr. Gordon is clever,

but I put my money on Dominique.

Open the hatch.

Connect the wires
to the detonator.

Set the compass.

Now she's armed.

All right.

Launch her!

Go!

Well, gentlemen,
it's been a ball.

Cinderella has to go.

Mr. Gordon,
please don't do that.

Gentlemen.

Stop her!

Somebody stop her!

The compact.

"And, thanks to
the gallant efforts

"of secret service
agent Artemus Gordon...

"who unhesitantly
dived off the deck

"of the S.S. Virginia
in hot pursuit,

"Dominique, the infamous
marquis' confederate,

was captured along with
the rest of the gang..."

Oh, excuse me, Jim. I'm sorry.

Uh, that... That's all right.
Listen, uh, how do you...?

How do you like this for
openers? Uh, wait a minute.

"Gentlemen, I
predict this torpedo

"of the late unlamented marquis

will be one of the deadliest
weapons of the future."

How's that sound?

Oh, I... I like it.

It has a nice...
Nice ring to it, Artie.

The rest of this news
story's the usual dull stuff

about how you earned
the world's admiration

for your gallantry...

Oh, boy.

The only thing I've earned
is a cold for my gallantry,

that's what I've earned.

Listen, hand me that bottle
of pills up there, would you?

No, no, no. The... The
yellow ones, please.

Artie, are you
sure that your voice

is up to addressing
this, um, society?

Are you kidding?

I could reach the
last row of a showboat

while doing a buck-and-wing

and fighting a bout
with double pneumonia.

Uh, Artie, uh, may
I interrupt you?

"But if it does,

"then an equally deadly weapon
must be developed to combat it,

and that is aerial bombs."

Artie, it's, uh... It's not
that I'm not interested,

because I am,

but you see, I have a date
with a charming young lady,

and she's waiting for me.

Oh, sure, Jim, go ahead.
Enjoy yourself. Don't mind me.

There's no room for you,
me, and the torpedo in this...

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Artie.

And Artie? Huh?

Tonight you take your pills.

Thank you.

"The airship of the
future, gentlemen,

"ever alert to the lurking
menace of submarines,

"will search them out...

"Will search them out,

"fly over them

"with their equally-deadly
aerial bombs,

and..."