The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Night of the Big Blast - full transcript

Soon now.

Soon, my pretty one.

Miklos, connect the electrodes.

Ah, beautiful.

Hurry, Miklos.

The storm is almost upon us.

Electrodes attached?

Good. Now the straps.

Magnificent.

Hurry, Miklos.

Raise the lightning arrester.



Come, Miklos.

Miklos... turn off
the equipment.

Who are you?

I don't know.

Then I will tell you.

Your name is...

James West.

Yes.

And who are you?

I am Dr. Faustina. You are my...

My patient.

And you must follow
my instructions exactly.

Do you understand that?

I must follow your
instructions exactly.



Uh, this is my
assistant, Miklos.

You owe your life
in part to his efforts.

Thank you.

Miklos is mute.

He cannot speak.

An unfortunate accident.

But he hears, and
he is very intelligent.

Can you stand up, Mr. West?

Ah, good, good.

Now will you walk, please?

Excellent.

You may stop now.

Tell me, Mr. West...

what do you feel?

Nothing.

Do you know how you came here?

No.

Oh, you were very ill, Mr. West.

Miklos and I took care of you.

Now you will perform
a little task for us.

There is a top-secret meeting

being held in the
city of New Orleans.

High government
officials will be there.

And I would like you

to represent me.

Now, I have a feeling
you are very strong

since your treatments.

Would you show us, please?

Miklos, on the table.

Try to lift them.

Oh, splendid.

Splendid.

I'm sure no one will be
able to stand in your way.

Uh, you may put them down.

Come.

Come.

Now... Now, listen
to me closely.

When you leave
here, you will be taken

to the city of New
Orleans, a few miles away.

You will go directly to the
federal government building

on Canal Street.

You understand that?

I understand.

It is Mardi Gras time,

and you will see
many strange sights,

strange people,

but you will pay no
attention to them.

You will not be detained.

I will not be detained.

When you reach the
federal government building,

you will present credentials,

and you will be admitted

to a meeting of
cabinet officers.

Now remember, time is
of the utmost importance

in your mission.

Time is of the
utmost importance.

At 10 p.m. you must be
at that cabinet meeting.

That is your mission:

to be there at exactly 10 p.m.

And then?

And then, Mr. West...

you will deliver a message.

You shall tell them.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Lily.

Lily Fortune.

Oh, thank you, fairy godmother.

Oh, what a lovely
surprise. It's been years.

My senior prom, our last date.

You look wonderful.

You know, I never recovered
from our last parting.

Ah, the class orator, the
silver-tongued speaker.

You haven't changed a bit.

Well, you have.

It doesn't seem possible,

but you've grown
even more beautiful.

Artemus, you remember mother.

Vividly.

Mrs. Fortune.

Well, you have no idea

what seeing your
face does to me.

Mother...

eh, don't you remember Artemus?

Lily, dear, you had
so many boyfriends.

Which one are you?

The one whose father was
arrested for moonshining?

Uh, no, the thoughtful,
considerate one.

Mother, you're thinking of...

Oh, you're right. I
remember you now.

You always needed a haircut.

Lippy too.

Surprised you ever
stayed out of jail.

What do you do for a living?

Well, I'm a...

I'm a special agent

for the United
States government.

How exciting.

Born liar.

As a matter of fact, I'm
on vacation right now.

My private train is standing
in the railroad yards.

I'd love to show it to you.

Would you, uh, like
to come see it now?

Oh, I'd... I'd love to see...

If Uncle Sam's little
helper will stand aside,

here's our dessert.

I don't care for any
dessert, Mother.

A simple little meal,
a five-course dinner.

Thirty-five cents?
It's outrageous.

Since dessert is included,
we're gonna have some.

I'll take hers too.

Yes, ma'am.

Uh... would you
like to see that now?

I'd be delighted.

Um, go ahead.

And you watch yourself!

Oh, Artemus, it's lovely.

Well, it's nothing
sensational, but I call it home.

This is all yours?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

I share it with my
partner, Jim West.

Oh, if I'm ever a big success,

I'm going to have a
private car like this.

Success?

Why, Lil, what do you do?

Outside of driving
men wild, I mean.

I'm an actress now.

I'm going to New Orleans
soon to star in a play.

Well, I think that's wonderful.
I used to showboat myself.

Why don't you do a little scene

with me right now, hm?

Say, uh...

Something from Romeo and Juliet?

Oh, I must say, you're
a marvelous actress.

Who's acting?

You want to dance
with Carmen, eh?

No, thank you.

You prefer to dance in private?

Sometimes.

Oh, then I know a
very private place.

I show you.

I must not be detained.

Nobody says no to Carmen, ever!

That boorish fool insulted me.

He has no mask or costume.

And you know the punishment

decreed by King
Neptune for that.

Good night, gentlemen.

I must not be detained.

Halt.

My name is James
West. I'm a special agent.

I must see the Attorney
General immediately.

I have a message
from the President.

Sergeant of the guard.

So far, so good.

Now comes the crucial moment.

Only three minutes left.

Ooh.

No time to lose.

Now the sergeant
is questioning him.

Hurry, you fool. Hurry.

Our Mr. West did splendidly.

And our task is
done here, Miklos.

Well, Jim West.

What a surprise.

It's all right, sergeant.

This man is well
known to me personally.

You'll forgive the
security measures.

But with several
members of the cabinet

in attendance at this meeting...

we can't be too careful.

I understand,
Mr. Attorney General.

The meeting's right
down the hall, Jim.

Should we go?

You know, just
before you arrived,

we were having
a very good laugh.

There's a woman in this area.

Very fantastic creature.

She calls herself Dr. Faustina.

She wants a million dollars

from the government
for research.

Imagine. A million

for some medical
experiments with electricity.

I tell you, we must
convince the president

that she is insane.

Really?

Gentlemen, I have the pleasure

of presenting an old
friend, Mr. James West.

Jim, this is the
Secretary of the Interior,

the Secretary of State,

and the Secretary of War.

Mr. West is our most
trusted special agent...

and he has a message
from the president.

All right, Jim.

You...

wronged...

Dr...

Faustina.

You know, she may not show it,

but Mother really appreciates

your invitation
to travel with you.

Oh, it's nothing.

Sherry?

Thank you.

You know, I always knew

you'd be an important
man someday, Artemus.

Oh. Well...

I suppose that, uh,
talent will show eventually.

This partner of yours...

Jim. Where is he?

He's off on vacation.
Same as I am. Oh.

Um, where were you planning
to spend your vacation?

Oh, no place in particular.

I was just going to
go rambling around.

Oh.

Oh, I think now I may come down

and see you in that play.

Um...

would you like to
rehearse that love scene

just once more?

That may be Mother now.

No, no, no. It's just Henrietta.

Who's Henrietta?

Come on.

Henrietta, meet Lil.

Now, then.

Good girl, Henrietta.

Aren't you gonna
see what it says?

Well, what for?

It's probably just
from the president.

The pre...

May I?

Of course.

Who is it from?

The president.

Mm.

"Your leave hereby canceled.
Proceed at once to New Orleans.

Ulysses S. Grant."

New Orleans!

There isn't a word

in the newspaper
about any blast.

I think the whole
thing is a hoax.

Mrs. Fortune, that
kind of information

the government would
prefer to keep quiet for a while.

You mean four cabinet
members getting killed

wouldn't make big headlines?

It will after we find out
how and why it happened.

Uh, what fantastic costumes.

Heh. Blackbeard the pirate.

Artemus Gordon?

Yes.

I am your contact.

I have full instructions
from Washington.

You are to come with me.

I'm ready.

Oh, no you're not. You
look much too respectable.

You get some pretty
rough treatment

from that crowd outside.

Here is your mask.

Uh... would you ladies
please excuse me?

If you'll take care
of that for me,

I'll come back and pick
it up later at your hotel.

Uh, Mrs. Fortune.

Ladies.

You'll never make me believe
that's a government man.

Uh.

What about Jim?

Will he be working
on this case with me?

I'll get to that later.

Ah, how much do you know so far?

Only what I read in
the president's telegram.

Blast, four cabinet
members dead.

We've tried to keep
it as quiet as possible.

There's enough
rioting going on as is.

No telling how these
crowds will react to this.

Now, before we release the news,

we want to get a
complete explanation.

We're counting on
you to give us this.

Why, I appreciate the
honor, but why me?

I'm on a well-earned vacation.
You've got other agents.

Yes, of course we have.

But, uh, you knew West
better than anyone else.

What do you mean
knew? He isn't dead.

I don't believe it.

I won't believe it until
I've seen the body.

That will take a good
deal of looking, I'm afraid.

Unfortunately, he's spread
pretty thinly over the wreckage.

The other bodies were
at least identifiable,

but there was no
trace left of West.

This is why we're so sure that,

that he was carrying the bomb.

Look, Mr. Gordon... I
know you liked West,

but you must accept
the fact of his death.

Just, uh...

Just tell me exactly
what happened

from the time Jim got here.

West was recognized
by three of the guard

and by the late
Attorney General,

who personally escorted him

into the conference room
where the blast occurred.

Yeah, but then he got out.

The guard outside
the conference room

lived long enough to
tell us that no one got out.

You should have seen
the inside of the room.

There was only the one door,

and all the windows were barred.

It was a maximum-security room.

West is dead.

Are you trying to tell me

that he deliberately
blew himself up

to get four high
government officials?

Ahh!

I mean, hardly the sort of
thing you do by accident.

The work of a traitor?

You knew him.

Tell us why.

There is no why, Mr. Peters.

He didn't do it!

And I'll prove he didn't do it!

Even if it kills me.

Ah, Miklos.

Ooh, you have brought
me another subject.

Splendid.

I... I don't suppose he's alive.

Oh, well.

But he is a fine specimen.

Where did you find him, Miklos?

The scars of manacles.
The man was a prisoner.

How did he die?

He... He was hanged?

Then I presume his
crime was murder.

He... He killed a woman?

Oh, how interesting.

Murderers always
make such good subjects.

Their hearts are in the
right place, so to speak.

Hm.

Eh, his neck is
broken, of course.

But we can remedy that.

Tell me, Miklos... what
else do you know about him?

Did he have any relatives?

Any close friends nearby?

Good.

Hm.

Yes, he is quite muscular.

After some of our treatments,

his strength should
be very impressive.

Uh, how long has he been dead?

Only four hours? Good.

Then let us prepare at once
for the necessary surgery.

Ooh, yes, he has
a large chest cavity.

Ideal for our purpose.

He should be able to accommodate

an even larger bomb
than our last subject.

After such a humble
end as hanging...

he should welcome the chance...

to go out with a bang.

Ha-ha.

Oh!

Hot work, being a princess.

Any luck?

No, not yet.

Hard work, reconstructing
your friend's trail

in this madhouse, isn't it?

Like trying to find the
needle in that haystack

while it's going through
a threshing machine.

Alors, mes amis.
A beautiful princess.

Mwah.

Let us elope with her! Oh!

Hey! Artie!

Sir...

Sir. Sir... Sir, I
appreciate the nature...

Hey, hey, hey, come on.

Oh, gentlemen,
come on, this is silly.

Throw him over the rail.

Hey.

No! No, no...

Hyah!

All right, you. You
better talk quick.

What do you know about this?

You were looking for Jim West.

We were to stop you.

What do you know about him?

Nothing. I swear, nothing.

Who can tell me?

The carriage driver
on St. Peter Street.

The one in the suit of armor.

Please.

I've got my lead. Come on.

Ah, there, my noble
friend, don't talk.

Look straight ahead.
Can you feel that?

That's a small derringer,
which makes a very large hole,

and it means I'm in
no mood for quibbling.

Did you have a passenger
named James West?

Can you take me to
the place he came from?

Now, suppose you
do that right now.

One mistake and I'll put a hole
in that tin can you're wearing.

Are we clear?

Really, Mr. Gordon...

you are a very...

persistent man.

So this is how you did it.

Somehow you got West
out here and drugged him

so that he'd follow orders.

Then you strapped
a bomb onto him

and hauled him back into town.

You are a very brilliant
man, Mr. Gordon...

but I'm afraid you
can't keep a secret.

Now...

Well, what's that for?

Oh, just to keep
you quiet for a while.

I can do that without help.

I doubt it.

You see, I want to cover
your face with soft clay.

And, uh, there's a
tendency to thrash about...

especially when the
breathing is cut off.

Cover my face with clay? Why?

To make a mask
of you, of course.

It's a little oddity of mine.

I like to have a memento
of my... My guests.

Save the needle.
I'll hold still.

But Mr. Gordon...

the clay takes at least
two minutes to set.

I once won a medal in
a breath-holding contest.

Well... I suppose you can try.

Now...

Now... take a good,
deep breath, Mr. Gordon.

There.

Oh, you are doing
magnificently, Mr. Gordon.

Yes, Miklos, what is it?

I asked not to be disturbed.

Oh, Miklos. Miklos.

A letter from the president
of the United States.

The moment we have waited for.

Oh, I'm so excited.

"And so, dear madam,

"I urge you strongly
not to bother me again

"with your impossible requests.

"There can be no federal funds

for such bizarre experiments
as you have described."

There's more here.

He even goes on to suggest
that we may be lunatics.

We, who are the greatest
scientists of this dark age.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
my poor Miklos. Please.

He is stupid.

And he should be made
to pay for his stupidity.

But of course! Yes!

If the president
were blown up...

then someone with a brain
might assume his office.

And it will be so
easy to arrange.

Mr. Gordon will help us.

Oh, yes. Mr. Gordon.

You are still with
us, Mr. Gordon.

Splendid.

You are going to help
us kill the president.

Artemus?

Artemus?

Mother, do you have a hairpin?

Lily, don't be ridiculous.

You just can't
go on doing this...

Well!

Don't take my hair with you!

Where did you learn to do that?!

At that expensive girls'
college you sent me to.

Artemus?

Lily, you can't chase
after a man like this.

It... It's not decent.

Oh, Mother, would
you mind coming in

out of the 18th century?

Artemus is missing.
I've got to find him.

Well! I wouldn't
chase after a man.

That's why you've been
a widow for 20 years.

Yeah.

Well, if you ask me,

he's probably just run off

to chase after
another pretty ankle.

I told you way
back in high school

he was an undependable sort.

And you told me that Lincoln
would never be president.

Now, just a minute...

All right, all right, all right.

Remember, I'm
your mother. This is...

I'm terribly sorry to
frighten you, Mrs. Fortune,

Miss Fortune.

You know us?

We met in the
restaurant. Not formally.

Mr. Gordon gave me your names.

Blackbeard the pirate.

Lyle Peters, ma'am.

Oh.

May I ask what
you're doing here?

We're looking for Artemus.
Do you know where he is?

I'm sorry to say we do not.

He was to meet me
here early this morning

and give me his report.

I've had this place
under surveillance

for several hours.

Now, just a moment.

How do we know that you're
really what you pretend to be?

Oh, ho-ho. Oh, I beg your
pardon for doubting you.

It's perfectly all right, madam.

It was most astute of you to
demand some sort of proof.

Oh, it was nothing
at all. It's just that...

Oh.

Then it's true that
Artemus Gordon

is really a special agent?

One of our finest.

And we're most concerned
about his disappearance.

Can you help us?

Uh, well... Artemus and
I were at a costume ball

in the French
Quarter last night,

and three men dressed
as musketeers attacked him.

Somebody took a...

A handkerchief with chloroform

and put it over my face,

and when I awoke...
Artemus was gone.

Miklos. Miklos, a fine
storm is approaching.

We must make use of it.

Uh, how soon can you
have the equipment ready?

Five minutes? Good.

Ooh, I'm so anxious to see

our Mr. Gordon in action.

Jim!

Well, you don't look very dead.

I'm not even sick.

What are you doing here?

Letting you out.

No, I mean how did you get here?

A few days ago I was
enjoying the Mardi Gras,

someone slipped me a
Mickey, I ended up here.

Completely logical.

Let's go.

Miklos, the straps.

Beautiful!

It's a perfect night for us!

Hurry, Miklos.

The lightning arrester.

Good.

The process is beginning. Come.

That's me.

Who are you?

I don't know.

Then I will tell you.

Your name is Artemus Gordon.

My name is Artemus Gordon.

Yes.

Mr. Gordon... you
owe your life to us,

and you must do
exactly as we say.

Do you understand?

I must do exactly as you say.

Now listen to me closely.

The president has
arrived in New Orleans

to hear reports about
an unfortunate accident.

You will find him in the
federal government building

on Canal street.

Now... time is of the
utmost importance.

You must be with
the president at 10:00.

Kill him! Kill him!

Kill him.

Kill him, do you hear me?

What are you doing?

You are destroying everything!

You were gonna kill him!

Kill him!

Go! Go to the president,
do you hear me? Go!

Miklos, let us escape!

Uh, thank heaven
the Mardi Gras is over.

I don't think I could have
stood one more night of that.

How was your rehearsal?

Awful.

How could I concentrate
on that silly play

while Artemus is still missing?

Heh. Well, look!
There he is now!

Artemus!

I was so worried.

What's wrong?

Why are you looking
at me like that?

I don't know you.

Well, I know you, you beast.

Oh, no, you don't!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

You can't get away with that!

Mother!

Are you all right?

I... I told you way
back in high school

that boy was some
sort of a maniac!

Get me out of here! Will
you get me out of here?

We don't have much time.

Still got a chance.

I hate to bring this up,

but if we catch up to
that walking bomb...

what do we do with it?

I'm working on that problem.

If you come up with
an answer, let me know.

I must say, I'm surprised
to see you again, Artemus.

We were getting rather
worried about you.

I'm all right.

Have you had a chance

to let Miss Fortune
know that you're safe?

She was moving heaven
and earth to find you.

Miss Fortune? She
means nothing to me.

Ha!

You certainly are the gay dog

where the ladies are concerned.

Halt. Show your credentials.

Surely you know me by this time.

I'll vouch for this gentleman.

He's with me.

Sorry, sir, my orders
are to admit no one

without credentials.

Well, don't be ridiculous.

This man is a special agent.

He has a message
for the president.

Sorry, I've got orders.

You'll have to clear it with
the sergeant of the guard.

Oh. Be simpler than
standing here and arguing.

Wait a moment, Artemus.
I'll get your clearance.

Hurry.

I must be with the
president by 10:00.

Hi-ya! Hi-ya!

Hi-ya!

Lily, you were magnificent!

Ha-ha!

Another Sarah Bernhardt.

Oh. Thank you.
You're both darlings.

Where's mother?

Uh, gone but not forgotten.

She, uh... She left this note.

Gone?

Mm-hm.

"I have eloped with Mr. Peters."

But... But he's much
too young for her.

Love conquers all.

Uh, speaking of love, Lil...

Eloped?

I can't believe it.

That's wonderful.

Uh, speaking of love...

That's marvelous!
Let's celebrate!

Let's.

Um...

speaking of love, Lil, I...

What Artemus wants to say...

is will you marry him?

Oh, Artie, you darling!

I love you dearly.

But no.

I... I-I couldn't live
your kind of life.

You'd... You'd always be
disappearing or... Or exploding.

And... I'd never know if I was
kissing you or some bomb.

Well, try me.

See what I mean?