The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 2, Episode 23 - The Night of the Surreal McCoy - full transcript

Here you are, Mr. Ambassador.

All ready for the
opening tomorrow.

We kept the room very simple

so as not to detract
from the beauty

of the crown jewels of Herzburg.

I trust you will approve, sir?

Yes, yes,

very nice, very tasteful.

You and your staff

are to be congratulated,
Mr. Director.

Thank you, Mr. Ambassador.



And you, for your
magnificent protection,

thank you.

An honor, sir.

So then my man will take
his usual place tonight.

Very well, sir.

Take your posts
outside, gentlemen.

Ah.

And what is that?

That is a Wellington,
Mr. Ambassador.

Oh? And what is a Wellington?

He was an American painter

who specialized in
the Western scene.

Too bad he didn't
receive the acclaim

during his lifetime
that he deserved,



but I'm sure he soon will.

It belongs to a Mr. Axel Morgan,

a very wealthy
rancher in these parts.

He insisted that his
painting hang in this gallery,

while the royal crown
jewels were on display.

He is a great contributor
to the museum?

I could hardly refuse
him, Mr. Ambassador.

I understand.

Well, the governor is
expecting us at his banquet.

Shall we go?

Our carriage is
just outside, sir.

Well, I want to thank you

for the beautiful way
you have displayed

the treasures of
my beloved country.

Oh, how stupid.

I forgot my gloves in there.

I'm so sorry, Mr. West.

Not at all, sir.

Oh, no.

What has happened?

What has become of the crown?

He's dead.

But how?

How?

People do not walk
through stone walls.

Have you found anything yet?

No.

There's no way
they could have come

through the wall or the ceiling.

Jim, come here
a minute, will you?

I want to show you
something on this painting.

Look at this section
right over here.

What about it?

But I assure you, Mr. Morgan,

the same thing isn't bound
to happen with your picture.

It'll be perfectly
safe in the vault.

I'm not gonna take any chances.

I want this painting crated.

I'm taking it to my
ranch this afternoon.

I don't blame you
at all, Mr. Morgan.

That painting certainly
is a masterpiece.

Uh, who are you? You work here?

Tsk, oh, no, no, no, sir.

My name is Artemus Gordon.

Oh, yes, of course.

You're the partner
to James West.

I read about you in the paper.

You've been guarding
the Herzburg crown jewels

on their tour.

That's right, sir.

Uh, this is Mr. West right here,

and His Excellency, the
Ambassador of Herzburg.

This is Mr. Morgan.

Mr. Ambassador,

this is indeed a pleasure
for me personally.

But in view of
what has happened,

a great dishonor on my
city and on my country.

You know, the
ambassador was just saying

how much he'd like to
meet you, Mr. Morgan.

He's a great admirer of
Wellington's paintings.

Well, I'd be glad to
show you my collection.

Look, why don't you
gentlemen ride down

to my ranch with
me this afternoon,

have a little supper, and
then view the paintings.

Oh, you may come along
too, Mr. West, if you'd like.

That's most kind
of you, Mr. Morgan.

Thank you very much.
We'd be delighted to come.

Oh good, as soon as we
have the painting crated,

we'll be on our way.

Uh, you two gentlemen
give me a hand.

Huh?

Easy now.

Lift up. That's it.

What was that all about?

I find Mr. Morgan a
very fascinating man.

I'd just like to get to
know him better, that's all.

Tsk, I think you would, too.

Why?

That painting's a forgery.

That's what I started to
tell you when he came in.

Mr. Morgan's much
too good a collector

not to have known it.

Do you think he
has something to do

with the missing jewels?

I don't know, Mr. Ambassador.

But I think it's best if
you stay here in the city.

Oh, no, I'm coming too.

I wish you'd reconsider.

Mr. West is right.

To my people, those
crown jewels mean

what your flag means to you.

They are our national honor.

I insist on coming with you.

Take this painting upstairs
and hang it where it belongs.

Well, I assume you
gentlemen could use a rest

after that long ride.

Show our guests to their rooms.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, I brought him.

Oh, good, Morgan.

You're to be congratulated.

Now we can have a
little fun with Mr. West.

I see you got
back here all right,

and I hope with
the crown jewels.

Oh, they're in the
parlor, safely hidden.

I'll be greatly relieved when
we're finished with West.

My advice to you,
Dr. Loveless, is to kill him now.

I? Kill West?

Oh, Mr. Morgan, no.

No.

I have something

much more interesting
in mind for him.

You've heard of Lightnin' McCoy?

Oh, of course not.

A man of your social standing
and power wouldn't associate

with the likes of Lightnin'.

It's a terrible pity,
though, really,

especially for a great
patron of the arts

because, you see,
Lightnin' in his own way

is a true artist,

the fastest gun the
West has ever known,

and I've sent for him.

He'll do our killing for us.

But meanwhile,

there's no harm in
our having a little fun

with Mr. West, is there?

Huh? Heh-heh.

Well, if you're
all settled in, sir,

I guess I'll go to
my room, clean up.

Excuse me.

What I cannot understand is

why would a man as rich
as Mr. Morgan want to steal?

He doesn't need the money.

No rich man does,

if they go on making it.

One unneeded
million after another.

If you'd like to
rest, sir, I'll, uh,

wake you before supper.

Thank you, yes.

Until later.

Jim?

Jim. Open up!

Jim!

Well, the party's over.

The ambassador.

It's still locked,
Artie, from the inside.

So is that one there.

Where'd those guys come from?

I don't know. Maybe
they can tell us.

There's no way he could
have gotten out of here.

I know,

disappeared into thin air.

We better have a
talk with Morgan.

You're not in this
alone, you know.

I've got a stake in this too.

You evidently have
a short memory.

I found you in that
mountain cave half-starved.

I took you in. I poured
money into your experiments.

I put up with your
peeves and tantrums...

but not anymore.

I'm going to take
care of West myself.

Mr. Morgan, I
will not be bullied.

I realize that a lifetime's
association with cows

does not prepare one in
the ways of a gentleman,

and I know that
buying up paintings

and acquiring the reputation
of a great patron of the arts

does not guarantee good
taste or good manners,

but you could try, Morgan.

Loveless,

I have broken men
with my bare hands

for insults less than that.

You don't dare touch me.

I am the key to more
wealth, more power

than any man has ever had
since the beginning of time.

Break that key, Morgan,
and those treasures

are locked away
from you forever.

I don't care about the
wealth and the power.

You can have them.

All I want is West... my way.

Let me tell you
something, Dr. Loveless.

You give West enough
rope, and he'll hang you.

Mr. Morgan,

your solicitous concern
touches me deeply.

Look, here he comes now.

Any sign of Morgan?

No, not a trace of him.

You know I've been looking
through these portraits

while you were gone, Jim.

Half of them are forgeries.

And look at this.

Here's that article
in the paper.

It's over a week old.

As a gesture of goodwill

and to acquaint
the rest of the world

with American culture,

Morgan is giving away

his entire collection.

Giving away? To whom?

Various rulers, heads of state
of great countries of the world,

important institutions.

Well, why would anyone
wanna give away fakes?

Yeah, especially
to important people.

He's getting too
interested in that painting.

Well, that's one
of my better efforts.

The flesh tones are
particularly well-done, heh.

Look at the nose on
this portrait, will you?

You are not to interfere.

It's a thumbprint.
A child's thumbprint.

A child in this house?

On the way here in the carriage,

Morgan said he'd never
even been married.

Purple stain of some kind.

Looks like fruit,
huh? Grape maybe?

It's not too old.

Artie,

Mr. Morgan is certainly
becoming more interesting.

Not too interesting,
I hope, Mr. West.

Get your hands up.

Well, it looks as though

I'm going to have
to cut your visit short.

Disarm them.

All right for you, Morgan.

Always interfering,

butting in,

always thinking you know best.

I'm going to have
West to myself, Morgan.

Take them outside.

The ambassador's room!

Artie, get the window.

Break it down.

Hurry it up.

Bedroom.

Mr. West...

always such a
pleasure to see you.

I should have known.

Dr. Miguelito Loveless.

Your humble servant, sir.

I thought you were dead.

Oh, no, Mr. West.

I'm afraid I shall never die.

Death is too ordinary.

The humiliation would kill me.

Morgan, why don't
you knock sometime?

All right, where is he?

You know, the other one, Gordon?

Oh, he got away.

You bungler.

All right, you three, go
after him, bring him back.

We can't afford to
have the law here.

He's not going after
the law, Morgan.

I know Artemus Gordon.

Now, with Mr. West
here and in jeopardy,

Artemus won't be
very far away, will he?

It's a quality called loyalty,
one of the nobler emotions.

Seven o'clock, time for supper.

Would you do us the
honor of joining us?

How can I resist?

Always the soul
of tact, Mr. West.

Loveless...

we can't risk everything.

Kill him now!

Morgan, for the last time,

Mr. West is an old,
old friend of mine,

and I am not going to be so rude

as to shoot him down in
cold blood like a sick dog.

Now, my friend deserves
a dignified death.

We will sit down
to a quiet supper

and wait for Lightnin'
McCoy to arrive.

You know Lightnin', of course?

Yes, but I've never had
the pleasure of meeting him.

"The pleasure of meeting him."

Mr. West, you are so
droll sometimes, heh-heh.

Downstairs.

Dr. Loveless.

Hyah, hyah.

Uh, you didn't bring me here

to show me you
could forge Wellington.

Oh, I find my Wellingtons
quite impressive.

Where is the
ambassador of Herzburg?

I believe he's having
quail under glass for supper

with an excellent wine.

Where is he?

Heh, upstairs in his bedroom.

Actually, he's never left it.

He's always been there.

Now shall we have our supper?

I have a surprise
for you, Mr. West.

Voilà. Soup's on.

A yen for your
thoughts, Mr. West.

¿Si, señor?

Muy buenas. Buenas.

Where can I find the
telegraph operator?

I've gotta send a
message to Denver.

Jerry?

Why, he's up in Denver himself.

Darned telegraph machine
busted on him again, heh,

happens all the time.

And he's going
for some parts to...

Everybody out.

Yes, sir.

I drink alone.

Who's he?

He's a mean one.

Faster and meaner
than the rattlesnake.

Just get.

I said everybody out.

I'm just having a
little drink, señor.

Ahh.

Now there ain't nothing
left to drink, is there?

I'm going to give you just
three seconds to clear out.

One...

two...

three.

He was very fast, señor.

Uh, yes.

But now...

Lightnin' McCoy
has nothing to drink.

You...

are Lightnin' McCoy?

Sí, señor.

Let me buy you a drink.

Amigo,

do you know where the
ranch of Señor Morgan is?

Yes. As a matter of fact,

I was sent out here to meet you.

Ah. Then you know
Señor Loveless.

Miguelito Loveless.

I'm his right-hand man.

I am very late, señor.
We should go, eh?

Oh, no, no, no,
no. Wait, wait, wait.

You've got to have your drink.

It's a cold night, no?

Sí.

Very cold night.

There. Gracias.

De nada. Salud.

Salud.

Ahh, it's got a kick to it, eh?

Like a mule, yeah.

Eh.

Ahhh.

So, Mr. West, as you read,

Mr. Morgan here is giving away

his complete
collection of paintings

to all the great
leaders of the world.

Painted by you, of course.

Perhaps the most remarkable
paintings known to man.

Let me show you.

These smiling, lighthearted
gentlemen, Mr. West,

are expert hatchet men,
the best in their tongs.

Handpicked by you, naturally.

Naturally.

In there, Mr. West,
until I need them again.

Lightnin' McCoy
is here, gentlemen.

Heh, take him upstairs.
Wine him, dine him.

We shall be with him shortly.

We must hurry. You
don't have much time.

I think I've figured
it out, Loveless.

Oh, you were always
so good at that, Mr. West.

You have killers...

in every painting,

and when the
pictures are delivered,

the killers come out.

And then, no more
rulers anywhere.

No more emperors
or kings or presidents,

only free men.

Until you take over.

You flatter me.

What do you get
out of this, Morgan?

You ask too many questions.

Mr. Morgan becomes
the richest man

in the history of the world.

For instance...

Now, this painting goes
to the Bank of England.

And that painting
of the Western street

that hung in the
Denver Museum...

That is being given to
the United States mint.

Now what are the
Herzburg crown jewels

compared to that, huh, Mr. West?

How do you do it, Loveless?

Well, arriving at the
basic concepts, of course,

is not one-tenth as
difficult as the job

of reducing the working
elements to practical size.

I'm listening.

True science, Mr. West,
requires imagination,

and you just don't find
much of that around anymore.

However, if there were someone

with the proper
qualities of mind

who had, say, 30 years to burn,

he might well spend
the first 10 of those years

studying the
properties of sound,

particularly those
which we call...

pitch.

Then, during the
following 10 years,

he could profitably
make a careful analysis

of the relationship between
the vibratory structure of sound

and the variable
density of matter.

Then, during the final 10 years,

while all the
scientific conclusions

were inevitably merging...
Then he would, of course,

have to master the
arts of, uh, plumbing,

carpentry, electricity,

chemistry, physics,
and, of course, painting.

But listen, Mr. West...

The music of the spheres.

A perfect marriage
of art and science.

In anyone else's hands,
a noble accomplishment.

Sour grapes, Mr. West.

As for the existence
within the paintings...

That, of course, is my
own metaphysical principle,

and I am a pretty
fair metaphysician.

There's one thing
you haven't told me.

What has happened to
the human imagination?

Look, we're wasting time.

I want all of these paintings
outta here by tonight.

But Lightnin' is here, now.

I'm not taking any chances.

Morgan, I have had
enough of your loutish,

ill-mannered interruptions.

Will you shut up?

Stay where you are.
West, you get next to him.

Morgan, is this
a... double cross?

That's unethical.

Your partner's been waiting
for this moment all along,

Loveless, old friend.

You set everything up,

he moves in.

Oh, you sure can pick 'em.

Look, I've heard
enough out of both of you.

Now stay right where you are.

Quick, Lightnin'.

In there. In there.

Where is Señor West?

Get back, get back. He's coming.

As usual, Mr. West,
I always get my way.

Oh, you'll feel
better in a minute.

I'm afraid I transported
you a little too fast.

Where am I?

You stepped through
a picture, Mr. West,

into my newly
discovered dimension.

But make no mistake.
Death is just as real here.

May I introduce my friends.

The second fastest
gun in the West,

and the third...

and the fourth...

and the fifth and the
sixth and the seventh.

You know who the first is.

Number seven,

escort Mr. West into the saloon.

You know, Mr. West,
I have always been

incorrigibly curious,

and I've wondered just
how fast you are with a gun.

Now I'm going to find out.

You are going to
meet Lightnin' McCoy

in a fair fight out
there in the street

in broad daylight, and
may the best man win.

And if I win?

You won't.

Number seven here
will keep you company

until you feel better,

heh-heh, and then
you'll feel worse.

Lightnin', your
colleagues are just outside.

Let me introduce you.

Uh, seven,

just in case the
impossible should happen,

you know what to do.

Would you like to test
your gun, Mr. West?

It's a beautiful weapon.

Beautifully balanced,
very fast action.

Of course, it's
loaded, Mr. West.

You know I wouldn't
pull a dirty trick like that

on an old friend.

We're covered all around.

I know.

I'll take the one up high.

You take the one in the alley.

How'd you get rid of Lightnin'?

He couldn't hold my liquor.

You know where
the ambassador is?

Yeah. Saloon
basement. He's all right.

You think you can find him?

What, and leave you here alone?

Only four of 'em left.

Three.

Hardly seems worth your while.

Are you all right, sir?

Yes, yes.

Loveless. Where is he?

Probably gone,

out of the picture,
back to Morgan's.

You know how to get outta here?

I got an idea.

Keep your fingers crossed.

That's Morgan's ranch.

Now, it's gotta be
through here, but how?

It's done with sound.

Here's something.
This might do it.

Artie, how musical are you?

Well, I...

Come on.

We've gotta get those paintings.

Gentlemen...

this is the real McCoy.

McCOY: Buenos días.

I do not like your
tricks, Mr. Gordon.

I will take care of
you after Mr. West.

Better move the
ambassador away, Artie.

Right.

Any time you're
ready, Lightnin'.

He was very fast, señor.

Dr. Loveless.

Well, he's gone into
one of these paintings.

The only question is, which one?

It doesn't make any
difference. We'll crate 'em all.

Ah, I thank you.

Thank you.

I thought without the
crown jewels of my country,

I could never go home again,

but now... It's wonderful.

Wonderful.

Well, I guess we'd
better all turn in, huh?

Oh, we could all do
with a good night's sleep.

Yes, yes.

Oh.

This is lovely.

Oh, thank you.

Oh.

Are you sure he is in
one of those paintings?

Uh, well, these or the ones
that we have in the freight car.

And he cannot get out?

Not a chance, Mr. Ambassador.

And when we get to Washington,

we're gonna put them in a vault,

which is far more
secure than any jail.

Oh, yes.

Now I can do with some sleep.

Come on, sir.

Yes.