The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 2, Episode 21 - The Night of the Brain - full transcript

My dear Voulee,

I asked you to move
Mr. West, not caress him.

And of course, in
the fullness of time,

Mr. Gordon can also be
expected to put in an appearance.

We'll reserve this
square for him.

What was that, Artie?

I know. I'm just as
shocked as you are.

"Almeric the Great,

"one of the world's
great prestidigitators

"and more adept at clowning
than at feats of magic,

died during a stage performance
in Watertown last night."



Poor devil. We'll miss him.

Wait a minute. There's more.

"Among those present,
witnessing the tragedy,

"were his friends James
West and Artemus Gordon,

"who made desperate
but unavailing attempts

to save him."

That's not a very good joke,

but I'm glad that's all it is.

If you think that's a joke,
take a look at the date here.

July 12th.

That's an interesting date,

but it happens to be tomorrow.

All the news that's
yet to happen.

Listen, I know Almeric is one of
the great comedians of our time.



You think he'd
pull a joke like this?

No, Artie, you know
better than that.

Besides, we're gonna
be in the capital in an hour.

We're passing
Watertown right now.

So the joke is on...

Yes?

Thank... Thank you!

Engine malfunction.

We're pulling up at a
siding in Watertown tonight.

It occurs to me as long as
we're going to be in Watertown,

why don't we attend
Almeric's performance tonight?

No, no. The rabbit.

If I told that assistant once,

I've told him a thousand times:

rabbit, right sleeve.

Oh, well.

Talk about your money
buying nothing these days.

Three-for-a-nickel cigar

and it still smells
like burlap burning.

I don't remember that
bit being part of his act.

Well, relax, Jim. He's
gotta add something new

from time to time.
It's probably all right.

You know, folks,
for a little while

I thought it was gonna be
one of these days when...

Almeric never harmed a soul.

No one could
benefit from his death.

Why did someone want us to
know about it ahead of time?

Well, we'll find out
soon enough, Jim.

Ah...

This newspaper had to be made

by some small print shop
especially for our benefit.

I've been studying
that typeface.

It's the only thing
we have to go on.

Soon as I...

Spontaneous combustion...

delayed-action type.

Another charming device
of our unknown friend.

Let me get that.

Well, here we go
again. You ready?

It's getting to be a habit.
Tomorrow's newspaper.

Right, predicting what'll
happen tonight. Look.

"Colonel Arnette
dies from gun wound.

"Colonel Royce Arnette
died late last night

"from a pistol wound

"received while cleaning
his French dueling pistol.

"With the colonel
during his final moments

was Mr. James T. West."

Like two puppets
on strings... us.

Right.

You realize whoever
wrote that article

is perfectly capable
of making it come true?

Exactly, and he expects me
to try and prevent the accident.

What do you mean? You're going?

Artie, I have to.

We're being pushed step by step.

Until I find out why,

we have to go
where we're pushed.

Yeah, you're right. Of course.

All right, I'll start checking

the small print shops
in an effort to find out

where this might have come from.

As many as there
are, you realize,

it'll take me over a week to...

Jim.

Look at that. It's a shop mark.

It's what they use on
handbills and posters,

kind of a signature
from the shop.

You don't suppose
it's just oversight

that made the printer put
that in the corner, do you?

Somebody wants
us to find them, Artie.

Exactly.

I bet the Washington
bureau has something on this.

I'll check them.

And I'll go to the
colonel's house.

Right.

Yes, Voulee. It's
time for another move.

We will move our Mr. West

onto the same
square as the knight.

Those two will have a
most interesting meeting...

shortly.

Who the devil's making
all that racket out there?!

I said, who's making
that racket out there?!

What racket?

I didn't hear anything, sir.

I'd recognize that
voice anywhere.

West. Yes, sir.

I was out walking my
dog and the little dickens

led me right to the doorstep
of my ex-company commander.

Good evening, sir.

Well, you better get in here

before you wind
up on a casualty list.

Yes, sir.

Sit down. Sit down, my boy.

Thank you, sir.

By the way, eh,

what happened to that
dog you were out walking?

I knew there was
something I forgot.

Heh, heh. You're still the
same impossible West,

but I am glad that
you dropped in.

Oh, uh, there's something
that I wanna show you

that was sent to me.

Not a set of dueling
pistols by any chance, sir?

Dueling pistols?

Well, who'd be sending
me dueling pistols?

No, no, no, sonny. Much better.

Napoleon brandy.

And look at that date.

Much rarer than jewels, my boy.

Congratulations, sir.
Who sent it to you?

Oh, it was delivered
from the French embassy.

You know, I was posted at
Paris as military attaché for a year.

Maybe old General Claremont
himself sent it as a present.

And you know something?

You are going to
sample it, my boy.

I, sir?

Yes, this blasted gout of mine

has me tied to
a strict milk diet.

So you and your expert
palette can try that out.

Come on. Come on. Drink it.

I beg pardon, sir.

This package was just
delivered by special messenger.

Shall I unwrap it?

No, that will be
all. Good night.

Good night, sir.

Another anonymous present.

Hmm.

Dueling pistols.

You have insulted my honor, sir.

Therefore, prepare
to defend yourself.

How long did the paralysis last?

About five minutes.

Long enough for
me to realize that

another friend was
being murdered

in front of my very eyes.

The sequel to Almeric.

Worse.

This time I had to sit there,

knowing what was
going to happen,

but unable to do
anything to head it off.

All so delicately,

so meticulously planned

by someone I want
very much to meet.

Any suggestions, Artie?

Well, I'm not
guaranteeing anything.

That information that I wired
for came from the bureau.

I've located the
shop that turns out

those early-edition newspapers,

and I'm about to
pay a little visit to it.

Care to come along?

I'll grant you your
very personal pleasure

of moving Mr. West to
his next position, Voulee.

Ah, splendid, splendid.

And now I think it's time
to get ready, my dear.

Are you getting
impatient, Mr. West?

Well, so am I.

But soon, very soon now,

we will have the pleasure of...

meeting.

You know, with Mr. X
carefully planning

every single move we
make, I'm sorely tempted

to do a little genteel
double-crossing.

The trail would end, Artie,
as you very well know.

Yeah...

unfortunately.

I think we're looking
at Mr. Blackhurst.

Or should I say,
used-to-be Mr. Blackhurst?

Excuse me, I...

By all means, say,
"used-to-be Mr. Blackhurst."

Here's a shop-mark
type matching the one

that we found in the newspaper.

Well, let's start looking around

for some carefully hidden clues

that we're supposed to find.

Suggestions, Mr. Gordon?

Well, I once read a book where
the clue was deliberately hidden

in the hands of the deceased.

So much for your book. Mmm.

Print shop.

Where would the obvious
place of concealment be?

Printing press.

It'll do for a starter.

How does this thing work?

Oh, it's very simple.

Ink up your plate with a roller.

Then you, uh...

lay on your paper stock,

being sure that
you don't smudge it.

Then, uh...

put your frame down on
it, so it holds it in place,

and slide it under the press.

Clamp the press down on it
so that it makes a fine imprint.

Roll your plate out...

and presto.

"The mystery of the
East unveiled to the West.

"Private readings
in tarot by Voulee.

65 Jefferson Avenue,
Washington, DC."

Well, there's your clue.

You're right.

A visit to Voulee is
definitely indicated.

Well, I'm going.
Well, wait a minute.

You're going to visit the lady?

Artie,

"The mystery of the East
unveiled to the West."

Uh-huh.

That's almost like a
command appearance.

Okay.

I'll stick around,
talk to the police.

Good evening, Mr. West.

Good evening.

What else do your cards tell
you about me besides my name?

For one, that you do
not believe in tarot.

Oh, on the contrary.

I haven't the slightest doubt

that I'm about to
look into the future.

If I must go, I'd much rather go
a conventional way, such as...

I rather imagined you
might give the show away,

my dear Voulee,

which is why I provided
an alternate route.

Checkmate, Mr. West.

Allow me to introduce
myself, Mr. West.

My name is Braine.

Eh, that... That's spelled
with a small E at the end.

And how do you spell it
to rhyme with "murderer"?

How do...? Oh.

Oh, that... That's
very good. Very good.

Y-yes, yes, humor
will play a part

in my scheme of
things, Mr. West.

Now, any other comments?

Yes, you certainly take
the long way around

when you wanna meet someone.

Ah...

but not without reason.

You see, we two
knew little or nothing

about each other to begin with,

but now you have proved to
me that you are quite resourceful.

And I daresay I
have proved to you

that I am quite competent.

So now we have gained that
most felicitous of all states:

mutual respect.

I have respect for the artist

that created the mask
the gentleman is wearing.

Ah, good, good, good, good.

I'm glad you approve.
I thought you would.

Eh, permit me to introduce
my lieutenant, Mr. Leeto.

Heard a lot about you, West.

Well, you know how people talk.

You don't look as
tough as they say.

Oh, I don't know how
that rumor ever got started.

Ta-ta-ta-ta. That
will do, Leeto.

That will do. Y-you
may leave us now.

Ha! You are
wondering, of course,

why we have gone to such
elaborate lengths to provide

for another Artemus Gordon?

Eh? Well, well, all right.

That too, in the
fullness of time,

will be disclosed to you.

Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk, Mr. West,
I wouldn't if I were you.

Splendid.

You see, like Zeus, I have

thunderbolts in my fingertips.

I was told that
Zeus never missed.

When that is my objective...

neither do I.

Oh, Brundage.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I am saddened to see, Brundage,

that you are missing a
button from your tunic.

Mr. Braine...

I-I must have ripped it off
during a... A work detail.

Won't happen again.

It won't happen again!

No!

Mr. Braine, no!

I get your point.

Good. Good, good.

Then Mr. Brundage's
departure from this veil of tears

will not have been in vain, eh?

Oh, come, Mr. West.

A little tour for
your divertissement.

Precede me, please.

You're quite correct in what
you're thinking, Mr. West.

Oh, really? What was I thinking?

You were toying with the
idea of overpowering me,

and then it occurred to
you that if you did that,

a mystery would be
forever locked tight.

Am I correct?

By and large, yes.

A very impressive
demonstration of deduction.

Thank you, sir.

Do you recognize this room?

Ah, it's a very clever duplicate

of the White House
conference room

in the subterranean chambers.

That is quite correct.

Uh, the portrait
of, uh, Jefferson

should be on
the left of Lincoln.

Oh, dear, dear. My
decorator has erred.

But do you recognize the
gentlemen so engrossed

in world affairs there
around the conference table?

Uh, Mr. Louis Bravo,
prime minister of Spain,

Mr. Gladstone of England,

the archduke
Maximillian, France,

Alexander of Russia,

and of course our
president, President Grant.

All as bogus as $9 bills.

Ah. But if you had glanced
at those same gentlemen

in the real executive chambers,

would you have doubted
their authenticity, eh?

What do you suppose this
little tableau means, eh?

Obviously a meeting
of the five world powers.

And what do you imagine
my interest is in all of this?

Impersonations.

That must mean substitutions.

Bravo. Anything else?

Aha.

You are beginning to hear

the whirl of mighty
workings, are you not?

Excellent, gentlemen. Excellent.

But rise. Move around.

You, Mr. Gladstone,
shuffle those papers there.

It's not enough to
merely look the part.

You must be the part.

Come along, Mr. West.

There's someone I believe
you'll be very interested

in meeting again.

Time is the more delicate
element in my equation,

not that I anticipate
any trouble on that score

when I actually
come to grips with it.

You continue to astonish
me with your modesty.

Those childish
attempts at humor.

I thought humor was
gonna have a place

in the scheme of things.

Your kind of humor,
Mr. West, can be overdone.

I trust you won't
argue the point.

I make it a point never
to argue with Zeus.

The door.

Mr. West, if you please.

How do you like our
incubating room, Mr. West?

My humorous term, of course.

This is where Artemus'
double was born.

Yes...

as were they all.

That skin-like parchment
there is a formula of my own,

and our talented Voulee
here brings any and all to life.

A photograph,

and here, at my
disposal, is that person.

Luncheon awaits us, Mr. West.

Is it, uh, miss? Can
that be possible?

Yes.

That's beyond all understanding.

Jim.

Jim?

What are you doing in here?!

Uh, as a matter of fact, I...

How are you in the outfield?

I don't blame you.

If I looked like that,
I'd cover it up too.

To your continued
good health, sir.

No, Mr. West, I'm not lame.

It's amazing.

That's exactly
what I was thinking.

Yes, I know Heh-heh-heh-heh.

But it's really not as
amazing as it seems.

It's a... A simple experiment

in the law of probabilities:

the extrapolation
of a single known,

carried to its
ultimate conclusion.

You must be the life of
the party with that stunt.

But as long as
you brought it up...

Why do I propel myself
about in this contraption, eh?

Well, it allows me
to conserve energy.

You see, eh, even the exercise

of thought processes
expends energy,

so it logically follows that
the less you use physically,

the more held in
reserve for thought.

But why don't you
ask me the question

that's really in your mind?

As long as I'm not boring you.

What is it that you want?

The world is in a very
untidy state, Mr. West.

I wanna put it to rights.

No one can argue with that.

Yes, but in order for
me to put it to rights,

I shall have to come

very, very close
to destroying it.

There's where you're gonna
run into a little opposition.

Do you like the
condition of the world?

Well, I don't.

One massive case
history of madness,

stretching back
through the centuries.

Starvation, hatred, bloody
wars, and no end in sight.

Depend on it, sir.

A surgeon is needed,
not a sugar pill.

You with the surgeon's
knife in your hand, of course.

As one particularly
well-equipped?

Yes.

Let us assume
that I am successful

in substituting those five men

in that locked, well-guarded
Washington conference room.

Can you conceive that those men,

my men,

might make decisions
that would affect every life

of every human being

in every corner of the globe?

Very soon, a series
of great events

will begin to plague
this troubled old earth.

The British fleet will
bombard Holland.

Russian troops
will invade India.

Spain will pillage Greece.

France will attack Germany.

And the United States
will swarm ashore

on the beaches of every
South American country.

It'll be a world gone mad...

with a vengeance.

A world battered, torn.

A world... on fire!

All that puts you in
control of what's left.

Men powerful enough to destroy

can also agree to
elect one world leader,

into whose hands they
place complete authority

to dictate the future of mankind

for the benefit of mankind.

It's all very clear
now, except one thing.

Apparently, I figure
into your plan somehow.

You do. How?

Now, Mr. West,

you will have the opportunity
of heading my secret service,

such position to be
ranked number two

in the new world order.

But before you give me
your answer, hear this.

I've neither time or
patience to coax or wheedle.

Great events force
me to force decisions.

Tell Leeto and
Voulee to come in.

You will come, in
the next few minutes,

to a decision,

not only to join
me in my venture,

but to prove,
without hesitation,

you have the kind of courage
which is a rarity in man.

A courage distilled of
all corrupting emotion.

In just one minute...

either this lovely
girl will die or you will.

The choice is yours.

That's quite a problem.
Suppose I choose neither?

In that case, you automatically
choose death for yourself.

And just in case you're
toying with any heroic notions,

let me warn you:

If you so much as flex a muscle,

there won't be
enough of you left

to brush up in a dustpan.

Very well, Leeto, put
the knife to her throat.

One...

two...

three...

Twenty-five...

26...

27...

28...

Goodbye, Mr. West.

Tell him to put that knife down.

I never meant to
cut that lovely throat.

You too?

Y-yes, yes. Please,
put that knife away.

Mr. West seems to
have taken charge.

There must be much
more you want of me

other than just to head
up that security setup.

Oh? What do I want?

I don't know,
but whatever it is,

you're not gonna waste me
just because I won't respond

like a puppet on a string.

Of that, Mr. Braine, I'm sure.

Excellent, Mr. West.

Now more than ever...

Sir, the door to the tarot
room has been opened.

Someone must be in the tunnels.

Unless the probabilities
have all gone awry,

that would be your
colleague Mr. Gordon.

Good old Artie. I look
forward to seeing him.

Yes, yes, you may
see him a little sooner

than you had anticipated.

There is one more probability
that must be reckoned with

and that is that
Mr. Gordon is already here

and has taken the
disguise of Leeto.

To put it another way,

if that mask cannot be removed,

you will be quite suddenly
and violently removed

from this earthly sphere.

Heh, heh. Seems you've
gone to a great deal of trouble

for nothing, Mr. West.

Oh, dear.

Odd. I seem to have
overestimated our Mr. Gordon.

See that a search is
made of the entire cavern,

including the new tunnel.

And now, Mr. West,

to your future.

Leeto?

So I'm going to be
handed over to posterity.

Yes, that is correct, Mr. West.

Your likeness will be
useful to the cause.

Voulee, what do you
get out of all of this?

Goals? You must have some.

Or do you find it rewarding

just having someone
threaten to cut your throat?

He wouldn't have done it.

He's a wonderful man
with wonderful goals.

Such as?

A world without
injustice, without war.

Do you really believe he's
working to that objective?

What other objective
can he have?

I'll use this if I
have to, Mr. West.

Braine's hunger for power
will never be satisfied, Voulee.

He's a wonderful man.

You're being blinded, Voulee.

If he were a wonderful man,

he wouldn't have
permitted anyone

to hold a knife to your
throat to prove a point.

He's not interested in mankind.

Oh...

you're just not
gonna believe this.

Talk about your Lillian Russell.

Just keep turning till
she comes into focus.

Jim, it's me.

Artie, she's all right.

Knowing Mr. Braine's fun
is for being a step ahead,

I'd started by being
two steps ahead.

Voilà. My old handsome self.

Artie, I can't believe
that Braine wasn't aware

that you were wandering around.

Well, we can double-check
that soon enough.

He's aware.

I left Leeto locked
in here securely.

He's taken a little stroll.

Braine mentioned the new tunnel.
Do you know where it's located?

It's a forbidden tunnel,
very well-guarded.

Voulee, darling,
that's our favorite kind.

Going very well.

Going very well indeed.

Somehow, somewhere,
this tunnel has got to end.

How 'bout that, Voulee?
How much farther?

It's only a little farther.

Uh, may I have the
gun now, please?

Thank you.

The end of the line.

I wish you wouldn't
use that expression.

Hey, Jim, that's the real thing.

The White House
executive conference room.

This must be a one-way mirror.

So this is where the big swap
was scheduled to begin, huh?

A swap that could easily result
in a world ruled by madness.

Our Mr. Braine isn't
that invulnerable.

He might get his men around
that security table, all right.

But there's one thing he doesn't
know about the security setup.

Hmm.

Please, please, do come in...

Uh, without the gun.

Well, well, it seems
we've come the full circle,

back where we started from.

In more ways than
one, you will find.

Tell me, what adjustment
must I make to my plans?

What, uh...? What
particular security measure

were you about to mention?

Was I?

Mr. West, you will
find that I have ways

of being extraordinarily...
unpleasant.

As you must know by now,

there was only one
bit of information

that I needed from
you or Mr. Gordon

from the very beginning...

Yes, it's given me
many sleepless nights.

That there might possibly
be some security measure

taken at the White House
of which I am unaware,

one particular measure
that would keep

the executive
conference room inviolate.

I'm afraid you're just
going to have to continue

to spend those sleepless
nights, Mr. Braine.

I believe I spoke
of unpleasantness.

I should have preferred
to avoid a demonstration,

but since you insist...

We have hours at our disposal.

The brain can be
destroyed by pain.

You will blabber
answers to my questions

quite involuntarily if you
persist in this stubbornness,

like so.

What follows may
be painful, Mr. West.

We must make closer, more
intimate contact, Mr. West.

No! No! No!

Oh, I declare,

it's just downright darling.

It's too cunning for words.

Well, it's a place

for Jim and I to hang our hat.

My, you two must
be frightfully wealthy

to have all this.

No, actually, we're just
a couple of working stiffs.

Yes. You see, we
have this rich uncle

who just lets us,
uh, use the train.

And from time to time, we
have to do a few chores for him.

What kind of chores?

Oh, a little of this...

And a little of that.

- I - have a feeling you two

are trying to hide something.

Hide something?

Girls, if our work wasn't
so downright boring,

we'd be delighted to tell you...

Oh!

Well, girls, I guess
we're going to have

to tell you the sordid truth.

Artie, you tell 'em.

Jim and I are...

international jewel thieves.

Oh.