The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 2, Episode 18 - The Night of the Gypsy Peril - full transcript

Mr. West,

Mr. Gordon,

please follow me.

I wonder what it would cost

to furnish our place like that.

Artie, it's not the
cost. It's the upkeep.

Gentlemen, his most
exquisite highness,

the ruler of the
sun and the moon,

the Sultan of Ramapur.

Mr. West,

Mr. Gordon.



Your Highness, we welcome
you to the United States

on behalf of our government,

and we bring you the good
wishes of our president,

who awaits your
visit to Washington.

Thank you.

You gentlemen have met
my chief minister, Gombal,

bearer of the state
seal of Ramapur,

guardian of the sacred
personage of the sultan

and scourge of our
traitorous enemies.

Our, uh, our good wishes

extend to all of your
royal party, Your Highness.

I understand it is a long

and perhaps hazardous
journey to Washington.

Is this true?



It is long, Your Highness,

but we'll do our best to ensure

that it is safe and pleasant.

The sultan is safe as
long as Gombal lives.

Uh, what if something
should happen to Gombal?

Well, in that case...

Oh, gee, an all-girl army.

Uh, very impressive,

but, uh, how's their aim?

The last intruder
into the royal palace

had 14 bullets
removed from his body.

The laughable part was he
was only a harmless messenger.

You're not laughing.

Oh. Ha-ha.

Only because I was thinking
about what effect your troops

might have on our troops
when we get to Washington.

Yes, you see, especially
since our troops

might just want to fraternize

with your, uh... troops.

Yes, I see what you mean.

Very well. I will travel alone
with you to Washington,

but one thing must
be understood.

Uh, yes, Your Highness?

That you guarantee the safety

of the priceless gift I
bring your president,

a gift symbolic of
international friendship.

Oh, I believe we
can guarantee that.

Don't speak too hastily,

for the treasure I bring
is beyond all price.

It involves our national honor,

and it must be guarded
with your very lives.

Yes. Wonderful, Your Highness.

Could you perhaps
give us some idea

as to just what it
is we're guarding?

Behold Akbar,
10th in the royal line

of the sacred white
elephants of Ramapur.

N-now wait a
minute. No stealing.

Akbar, you're not
getting the idea at all.

You cannot get to this.

Now... Now just...
Just watch me.

Will you please watch me?

All right, we toss
it up in the air...

and catch it in the mouth.

That's the whole trick.

All right, here we go.

All right, no
stealing, I told you.

Here we go.

Oh.

You know, you're
lucky you're sacred,

'cause you've
got no talent at all.

Dinner time.

Oh, welcomer words
were never spoken.

It's not for you,
Artie. It's for Akbar.

Oh.

Is Akbar standing the trip well,

do you think?

A good deal better than
I am, Your Highness.

Uh, listen, Jim, since
you're spelling me anyway

and I'm starving, do you
mind if I get into the galley

and make myself a little
soufflé or something?

Your Highness.

Mr. West, am I imagining it,

or is the train slowing down?

Uh, it's standard procedure
for a train to reduce speed

when going through a canyon.

Oh, there's danger?

No, nothing serious.
This is a slide area,

and occasionally, there's a
rock on the track, that's all.

We're all set. The
tracks are all blocked.

Okay, you got your
orders. Let's go.

Hyah!

I'm amazed at the
extreme ruggedness

of your countryside.

Oh, this is some
of the roughest part.

It'll level off soon, sir.

What's happening?

Probably just a rock slide.

There's nothing to
be concerned about.

No, no, no. No shooting.
You may injure Akbar.

That's good advice, fatty.

Now tell our friend
here to drop his gun,

and nobody'll get hurt.

Please. Please, don't kill me.

I have money.

Now, there's a
coincidence for you.

Hand it over.

All right, the jewels too,

unless you want to lose
a set of matching fingers.

Go see how the boys in
the other room are doing.

Come on, hurry up.

Hey, look at... Look at...

Get going. Yeah, yeah, but...

Get going!

Okay, friend...

Hand yours over,

and don't be too
long in delivering it.

Hold it.

That's it. Now just
straighten up easy.

You've just earned yourself
a working over, friend.

Hey. Well, well, what
have we got here?

That's what I was
trying to tell you.

Shut up. I'm asking the
questions. What is it?

It's a big dog with a long nose.

Oh, is that so?

Well, from the color of it,

I'd have thought it was one
of those hairless polar bears.

Hey, you know what?

I often wondered what an
elephant steak would taste like.

No, no! In the name
of all that's holy...

Whoo-hoo.

Heh, heh. Next one's gonna be
right between your eyes, friend.

Now get over here and
drag this elephant out.

Why?

'Cause we're taking him with us,

because elephants
are worth money,

lots of it.

Come on, little doggie.

All right, now you just stay
right where you are, friend,

until we're long gone.

Anybody fires one shot,
and I'll kill that elephant.

You'll be all right,
Your Highness.

How is he?

He's out cold, Artie,

but he's gonna be all right.

Two of them jumped me
before I even had a chance...

Where's Akbar?

I'm going after him right now.

Oh, you are, huh?

That's right.

Which leaves me, of course,

to handle the really dirty
end of the job, doesn't it?

What are you talking about?

Facing his chubby
highness when he comes to.

Old friend, I can tell
you just one thing:

I'm so very, very glad
it's you and not me.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm sure.

Here you go, Luke.
There's your share.

Marty.

Here you go, Bear.

Here's your cut, kid.

Well, uh, uh, this amount
ain't much for the risk we took.

What about them
rings and jewels,

and stuff you took off
that fat guy with the robe?

Well, you'll get
your share, kid,

as soon as we sell the stuff...

unless you got other ideas.

No, I... I guess not.

W-what about that elephant?

H-how we gonna
collect on that, huh?

Well, you let me worry
about that too, huh?

I'll collect the ransom
and plenty of it.

Meantime, you get rid of it.

You mean, kill it?

We can't do that.

Well, you know, Hillard,
sometimes I got a feeling

you belong behind
a ribbon counter.

What I mean is, how
are we going to collect

any ransom on that
thing if we kill it now?

Well, you got a lot to
learn about kidnapping,

little fuzzy friend.

They pay the ransom money first,

and by the time they find out

they've paid out for a
dead corpse, who cares?

Yeah, well, I
still don't like it.

Now how do you feel about it?

I like it, I like
it. Honest, I do.

I like it.

Okay, now get over
there and take care of it,

and make sure you don't miss.

Come on, you
little troublemaker.

Come on.

$1 million?

That is what I said.
$1 million American.

For a baby elephant?

Your highness, that's
more than $1,000 a pound.

You can't buy sacred white
elephants by the pound,

not even at any price.

One million dollars is
a ridiculously small sum

to demand for damages.

It is what my
ministers have decided,

so send that telegram
to your president.

"The sum of $1 million in cash

from the United States
government to ensure the safe..."

"The safety of American
citizens in Ramapur."

What are a few mere citizens?

Not even an
ambassador and his family

compare to a sacred
white elephant.

Send the telegram.

That's from President Grant.

"Take all possible steps...

"to calm sultan...

"and recover elephant.

"Above all, remain firm

"on question...

"of... damage payments.

"Our government must
not be threatened...

with extortion."

Extortion?

He calls our just claim
for damages extortion?

He insults my ministers.

Oh, no, no, no. Your Highness,
you misunderstand our position.

You misunderstand my position.

Take a wire to my
chief minister Gombal

in San Francisco.

Your Highness,

may I suggest
that you think twice,

maybe even thrice, before
doing anything hasty?

Say to him that I'm
returning at once

to San Francisco

to sail for Ramapur.

The official visit to
Washington is canceled.

Your Highness...

Prepare to break off
diplomatic relations

and seize all Americans
in Ramapur as hostages.

Okay, boys,

ante up the three-toed Pete.

Well, look who's
here. Elephant boy,

looking for his pet.

And in addition to the damages

that your government will pay,

I am demanding an abject apology

to be publicly...

You're not even listening to me.

Oh, no, no, no,
no, Your Highness,

I'm hanging on every word.

Are you going somewhere?

Yes.

As a matter of
fact, I have a feeling

that, uh, Jim may
be in a little difficulty.

I'd like to make
myself available to him.

Preposterous. You're
not even armed.

Oh, yes, I am.

Firecrackers?

Well, that's just
a lot of noise.

That's right, Your Highness,

but you'd be amazed
what you can accomplish

with the right kind.

Let me get your measurements.

You know, there ain't
enough dirt here to bury a rat.

Looks like you win
another reprieve.

Don't thank me.
It wasn't my fault.

Always.

Here, you take this one.

Very good boy.

Hey. Ha, ha.

Oh, we have one that is hungry.

Ah-ha. Ha, ha, ha.

Hello.

You are looking for me? No.

I came to see how
the animals are doing.

My queen...

the circus is going bad.

Let us get away from
here, run away together.

Things are not that bad yet.

Besides, the circus
is my responsibility.

Mikolik, what we need
is a new attraction.

Something unusual,
something big.

Ah-ha.

What is it?

I think I'm getting psychic.

Oh, gypsies are
supposed to be psychic.

I know, I know, but
I think I really am.

Go find something
to wrestle, darling.

Hello, cowboy.

You scared me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

And of course, you are
looking for a place to camp.

May I offer you the
hospitality of our fire?

We are the Zagora Family Circus,

renowned in Europe
and now making

a triumphant tour of
your American West.

Oh, well, I, uh...

I better be riding on, ma'am.

My, what wonderful eccentrics

you Americans are.

Now, who would have
dreamed that a cowboy

would be leading an elephant

instead of a...

Ahh...

Ha, ha, ha.

I know what you want.

What are you getting at?

You have been hearing stories

about what easy
marks we gypsies are,

so now you think you can get me

to buy this elephant
for a very big price, huh?

Oh, it might be, miss.

Call me Zoe.

And not a penny more than $500.

Five hundred dollars?

All right, all right. $750,

and I'll throw
in a free fortune.

Come on.

I feel the spirits
very strongly.

They are calling.

They have a message for you.

Me? Huh.

You sure?

I'm positive.

Now you must help me.

Look into the
crystal very deeply.

Concentrate.

I don't see nothin'.

Concentrate.

Ahh.

The spirits are getting closer.

Ah-ha.

Now the spirits
are close at hand.

Soon the future will
be revealed to you.

It's getting awful bright.

Concentrate.

I see...

I see that you have
recently had a most, uh...

unusual experience.

You're right, yeah. You
could say that all right, yeah.

And in the future, I see...

Ah-ha, perhaps in
the very near future

for you there is
a great surprise.

What is it?

You are going to
lose a very large,

very valuable object.

Mikolik, where is the elephant?

He is already in
the animal wagon.

Good. Drag this
fool out of here,

put him on his horse,
and get him on his way.

Ah, that's real clever.

Okay, on your feet,

and you keep your hands up.

Next you're going to tell
me to drop the knife, right?

Oh, you're a mind
reader too, huh?

If you had a mind to read.

Drop it.

That's real cute. You
got any more tricks?

Luke. Marty.

See who that is
coming down the trail.

If that's somebody you brought
down here with that signal,

you're not gonna live long
enough to say hello to them.

Keep your guns on him.

Whoa. Whoa.

Hey, Scullen, who
shot off that flare?

I did.

I thought you might
need some help

to find your way home. Oh, okay.

What did you do
with the elephant?

Pow, pow, pow.

Are you sure?

Do you think I got it in my
back pocket or something, huh?

I never heard any gunshots.

I guess the wind was blowing
the wrong way or something.

All right, hold your fire, boys,

until I tell you different.

All right, drop those guns fast.

You're surrounded.

I said hold your fire.

All right, what's it gonna be?

You gonna drop it?

All right, uh, all of you
now move over here

and keep your hands up
where I can keep my eye on you.

Those aren't shots.
They're firecrackers.

How'd you like my coyote?

That was a coyote?

I had three answering calls

from females proposing marriage.

Where's Akbar?

Ask him. He's an
authority on the subject.

You heard what I told Scullen.

Pow, pow, pow, pow.

Last time I heard the routine,
there were only three "pows."

Hey. I've had enough of this.

It wasn't my idea.
Scullen gave the orders.

Well, Scullen took off.
He can't hurt you now.

Admit you didn't
kill that elephant.

All right.

You might as well know.
The elephant ain't dead.

Where is it?

I, uh...

I lost it.

You lost an elephant?

That takes talent.

You see, it was like this:

Uh, I met up with
this gypsy queen,

and she had this
little crystal ball and...

Looking for something?

Oh, I-I thought I could
have my fortune told here.

Of course.

For you, I would say the
future is very, very short.

You wouldn't shoot anyone
with that cannon, would you?

Only one thing holds me back.

There is nothing more irritable

than a band of gypsies
wakened out of a sound sleep.

Oh, well... Well, that's simple.

If you'll drop the gun,

I'll leave very, very quietly.

First you'll tell me

why you were snooping
around the camp.

Gypsies are very
sensitive about their privacy.

Speak up.

I don't want to shoot
a handsome thief.

Thank you. Well, you
see, it was like this:

I am, uh, trying
to evade the law,

and I thought maybe I
could join your circus,

and sort of blend
in with the scenery.

I like your spirit,

but unfortunately, we
have no job openings.

We're a very small outfit.

If we were any smaller,
we'd be a flea circus.

Well, I, uh... Could
you use an acrobat?

I can do a few simple stunts.

Oh, yeah?

Show me a free sample.

Not bad.

What's your name? Jim.

The last name varies.

Jim.

What a great name for a gypsy.

Oh, it could be changed.

Do you think you
can get me an audition

with the headman now?

Uh-huh.

I'm the headman.

Well, that's a...
That's a great disguise.

What's your name? Ralph?

I am Zoe Zagora,

queen of the
Zagora gypsy circus,

sorceress, seeress,

infallible reader of
cards and tea leaves,

and bail bond expert.

Your highness.

I'm Gregorio the Great,

the king of the trapeze,

and peanut vendor.

Ha, ha, ha.

You know, Jim,

I think you might fit
right in here with us,

but there's one problem.

Gypsy men are extremely jealous,

especially of outsiders.

Well, I can take care of myself.

Is my fortune improving?

I don't know.

You just fogged
up my crystal ball.

Hold, hold.

That's a nice-looking elephant.

Hey, trunk. Trunk.

That's kind of an unusual
shade of gray, isn't it?

All elephants are gray.

Listen, Gregorio, or
whatever your name is,

you may be able
to fool Queen Zoe,

but you don't fool me.

You are up to no good here.

Animals like me.

But I don't.

And neither do any of
the other men in this camp.

I think you're exaggerating.

Am I?

Am I exaggerating?

Uh, it's, uh... It's not
necessary to answer, fellas.

Gregorio has challenged me,

the gypsy dance of death.

You insist.

I accept.

I give you

one final chance to leave us.

Everyone will know
you are a coward,

but at least you will
have saved your life.

Whenever I go to the theater,

I like to stay for a
full performance.

I naturally want to
know how it ends.

It ends with a knife.

The knife.

Isn't there some
alternate ending to this?

Why would you show me mercy?

Well, because you're
too valuable to the circus.

You are right.

I yield.

It's a tie.

Tie.

Did I hear somebody say ties?

I have hundreds of
ties, my good friends.

Ties of every kind and...

No grabbing at the
merchandise, please.

Everybody gets his opportunity.

I have ties, and I have dolls.

Antumo your peddling man

here to serve you
with joy and gladness.

You are about to witness
what is undoubtedly

the greatest emporium
known to man.

Ladies and gentlemen...

♪ I have ties to sell ♪

Each one a tribute
to the weaver's art.

A glory of veritable
texture and pattern,

designed to make something noble

of the ignominious area
of a gentleman's neck.

How are you fixed
for precious jewels?

You say you want
precious jewels?

My good man, good fortune
has smiled on you this day

beyond your wildest dreams.

I happen to be the
world's greatest purveyor

of the rarest and most genuine

imitation precious jewels

since the death of Tutankhamen

of ancient Egypt.

Behold...

the rubies of Rajnapoor,

the diamonds of Daikir Bejun.

The pearls plucked
from the sea-swept tombs

of Jahawaral in ancient Siam.

No comments from any of
the dissatisfied customers.

All of these available
to you, my friends, today,

for a pitiful, pitiful
handful of pennies.

Get away from me
with that nickel, boy.

A pitiful handful of pennies...

if purchased by the dozen.

Twelve for the price of
$1 even, my lucky friends,

a price designed to
make the heart leap for joy.

What's the news from Washington?

Oh, that it's all bad.

The sultan was as
good as his word.

He's ordered the Americans
in Ramapur seized as hostages.

Then he means business.

Yep. He's issued an ultimatum.

Either he gets his
sacred elephant back,

or a million dollars in cash.

Or?

Or he sails back to Ramapur,

and gives orders for the
Americans there to die,

including the
ambassador and his family.

The gypsies have Akbar.

They painted him gray.

Well, white is a little
conspicuous for an elephant.

Yeah.

Why haven't you
taken Akbar back?

Because I can't run very fast

carrying an elephant on my back.

You know, we could, uh,

order out the cavalry
and retake Akbar

like Bunker Hill.

That would mean a
lot of senseless killing.

I still haven't figured out
how the gypsies got Akbar.

One thing for sure,

they're not going
to give him up.

He means a lot to their circus.

All right.

Oh, by the way,

how are you getting
along with the gypsies?

Oh, fine. I'm learning a lot.

Here's your wallet,

and here's your watch.

See you later, Artie.

I'll bet that's the last cigar

he ever accepts from me.

Come on, Akbar. We've
got to get out of here.

Come on.

Where are you going
with the elephant?

Elephant? What elephant?

Oh, th-that elephant.

Uh, well,

I happened to be walking
through the woods, and I-I...

Never mind, because
now you will die.

Why do we not kill them now?

No.

They will die slowly,

by the most horrible
gypsy tortures.

Really?

What torture is that?

I don't know.

I'm still thinking about it.

Zoe, you must listen to me.

From you, I want to
know only one thing:

How could you prefer
an elephant to me?

I'm a government agent.

I must return that elephant
to the sultan of Ramapur.

Ugh, you're no gypsy.

You don't know how
to lie convincingly.

Believe me, it's not a lie.

If this is the truth, why
didn't you tell me before?

Because I had to make sure

you weren't part
of the ransom plan.

That train robber said
he made a deal with you.

And you, who are
you, the sultan?

No, I'm another
government agent,

and he's telling you the truth.

That elephant can
cost a million dollars

or many American lives.

This is so ridiculous,
it has to be the truth.

It's not just an
ordinary elephant.

It's a sacred white elephant,

and you've painted him gray.

We did no such thing.

Let us prove it.

If we're lying,

then you can kill us.

I think that is only fair.

Why do we not let them try?

Easy now, boy.

This won't hurt a bit.

All you've got to
do is come clean,

and we'll all be home free.

Jim...

I'm getting the most
uncomfortable feeling.

I know just what you mean.

You think this elephant
might be an imposter?

Nope. This is Akbar,

but he's not painted now.

Yeah, which means
he was painted before.

That finally explains
the meaning of this.

I don't get it.

Remember when
Scullen and that crew

dragged us off the train?

Yeah?

We overlooked this thing, hmm?

Fabulous.

It must be worth $1.39.

Mm-hmm.

Fake sacred elephant,

fake ruby ring.

It's a set.

Making our sultan
a royal con artist.

Right.

Enough.

Enough of this farce.

Maybe Queen Zoe

is too soft-hearted
to kill them,

but I am not.

And we will do it now.

Let's get 'em.

Look, I did my job
just as I was ordered.

Now I expect to get paid.

You'll be paid when I am paid.

When's that going to
be? Oh, very soon now.

I've given the United
States government

until 6:00 tonight
to meet my terms.

I'm sure they'll pay

rather than create an
international incident.

Okay,

but sultan or no sultan,

you better not
welsh on that deal.

For that matter, how do I know

that you've fulfilled
your part of the bargain?

Because I told you.

That elephant's as dead
as a dried-up herring.

You have proof of this?

What do you want, an obituary?

Now look, you get off
your overstuffed high horse,

or I'm gonna...

Gombal, come in here, please.

You have done well.

You called, Excellency?

Mr. Scullen has become
obstreperous and insulting.

I wish to sever

our connection with him.

Down.

Your head on that stool.

Would Your Excellency
like to avert his eyes?

No.

I seem to remember a nasty blow

I received on the head.

I shall enjoy
watching this time.

Proceed.

Oh, what a country.
Always some interruption.

See what it is, Gombal.

The party's over, sultan.

Hardly, Mr. West.

Beautiful gun, Your Highness.

It fires a beautiful
bullet, Mr. West.

I'm sure it does.

Ah, but first there's, uh,

two points I'd like to make.

Yes? One:

Mr. Gordon is covering
you with his gun.

Your second point, Mr. West?

You're under arrest,
Your Highness.

Why is that?

Well, he had emptied
the royal treasury,

his government was bankrupt,

so he decided to, uh,

get a million dollars for
a phony sacred elephant.

You know, we've really all
grown very fond of Akbar.

But I suppose now we
have to give him up, huh?

Artie and I are supposed
to find a good home for him,

so why don't we just
leave him with you?

Uh, let me ask you something.

How did he happen
to change color?

Well, when we first found him,

we had to cross a stream,

and Akbar decided
to take a bath.

Found him? Of course.

I knew that cowboy couldn't
own a white elephant,

so rather than embarrass him,

I decided to help him out.

Oh, you're all
heart. Ha, ha, ha.

Bravo.

Thank you very much.

I'm, uh... I'm sorry Zoe,

but we have to leave now.

Oh, I'm so sorry too.

But if ever you
don't like your jobs,

remember that I have
openings here for you, huh?

Oh, thank you. You're most kind.

Very nice. Goodbye.

Bye-bye. Bye.

More wine, Your Highness?

No, just the sip, dear friend.

Oh, how well your
book of proverbs says it:

"If thine enemy be hungry,
give him bread to eat.

"If he be thirsty, give
him water to drink.

"So shall thou heap

coals of fire upon his head."

Oh, surely this piece of jewelry

is in rather bad taste.

Uh, not as far as our
government's concerned.

Specific orders from our state
department, Your Highness.

The Sultan of Ramapur
is to be returned

to Washington under
maximum security conditions.

Oh, what a bore.

And all for what?

To see to it that I
am, uh, deported...

I think the word is...
Back to my own country?

Oh, gentlemen, we're all
men of the world, aren't we?

Admittedly, I was
indiscreet in the little incident

of Akbar, but, uh,

surely men of good will

such as we can, uh,

reach an accommodation.

Let me pose a
hypothetical situation.

Supposing you gentlemen
were to absentmindedly unlock

these, uh,
restraining bracelets,

then order the train stopped,

and, uh, just looked the
other way while I stroll off.

What harm would there be?

And, uh, after you've gone,

we discover these priceless
rings that you've left behind.

It's a pleasure to deal with
such understanding gentlemen.

Then it's agreed, Mr. Gor...

Oh!

Very well, then,

go through with your
ridiculous charade.

What do you imagine will happen

when I am deported
back to my own country?

I shall be overwhelmed

by the love and happiness
on every side as I seek my...

Well, Mr. Gordon,

you have the look of a
man with a loathsome secret.

This dispatch just
came in over the wires.

"Monarchy in Ramapur
overthrown. Stop.

"Constitutional
government decreed. Stop.

Waiting to try ex-sultan."

Oh, well.

As you say so
well in your country:

You can't win 'em all, can you?

Does this mean that we have...

Arrived in Washington.

So you won't be
needing these any longer.

Mr. West? Mr. Gordon?

I'm here to take delivery
of the Sultan of Ramapur.

The ex-sultan, my dearest chap.

Haven't you heard?

Well, gentlemen, the
curtain has run down.

I hope you'll permit me
one final generous gesture.

There is a parting
gift for both of you

behind the curtain.

Adieu. Adieu.

It was a nice gesture,
but I'm afraid the sultan

isn't aware of the fact
that we can't accept gifts.

Well, there's no
harm in at least looking

at the merchandise, is there?

No.