The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 1, Episode 24 - The Night of the Druid's Blood - full transcript

Hyah!

And it's my
pleasure, so to speak,

to be selling the finest
line of headstones, caskets,

and burial urns west
of the Mississippi.

And doing a land-office
business, I might add.

Now, why is that?
Hmm? I'll tell you why.

Because the West is
getting civilized, that's why.

People are still getting
shot up oftener than not,

but nowadays, they're
getting a decent burial.

Driver, why are we slowing down?

Picking up another
passenger, ma'am.



Well, that's out of the
question. There's no room.

Yes, ma'am. Hyah.

Ho, whoa!

What do you think you're doing?

Those are mine.

Mm-hmm.

Well, how dare you?
I paid for two seats.

Ma'am, this really
won't hurt your luggage,

and it may do this
lady quite a bit of good.

Hi.

Howdy.

Right on through,
just as planned?

Yeah, just as planned, Ben.

Oh, thank you.



Whoa.

Hyah!

I won't have it, do you
hear? I simply won't have it.

Yes, ma'am, but like I said,

no one is getting
back on that stage.

That'll be just a might delay
before the next one gets here.

Sorry.

Listen, you, you can't
talk to me like this.

Do you know who my father is?

Well, not that it's going to
make any difference, ma'am,

but go on, tell us
who your father is.

Well, my father just
happens to be the...

All right, sheriff.

Look, it's very important

that I get to Fort Cordovan
as quickly as possible.

Now, here's $500.

Now, I'll just slip
aboard the stage.

No, ma'am, you purely won't.

Sorry.

Hyah!

You gents have got
me dead wrong, honest.

Ask anybody. I run the squarest
faro game between here and Yuma.

I don't know how that extra
ace of hearts got in there.

I swear.

Somebody must have
put it up my sleeve.

Come on, let's string him up.

You're taking the life of an
innocent, upstanding citizen.

Please, be merciful.

The quality of mercy's
not strained, it...

There ain't gonna be no hangin'.

You gents move
over real peaceful-like.

Get back. Move.

I got a couple of
shells here that say

that this is gonna
be done real lawful.

No good, my friend.

I've got six in mine.

Hey, how about we take the bags?

Just split them among
yourselves, huh?

No, we got what we came after.

Maybe even more
than you figured on.

Now, you tell your
friends to drop their guns.

Now, none of you move.

Put your hands up.

Hands up!

Why have we stopped?

What's she doing...

What are you
doing? Let go of me.

Oh no, young lady.

I've become very
attached to you.

Just stay where you are,

and we'll make a nice, peaceful
departure with no bloodshed.

Let's go.

Shame the way things turned
out after all your planning.

Things were shaping up real
fine until that female showed up.

That just makes my
job a little tougher,

that's all, Ben.

Let's go.

Forget him. Move.

He's all right.
It's just a scratch.

He's just knocked out.

Take him in and turn him
over to Artemus Gordon.

I'm going to find that gang.

Is it all right to talk
with him now, doctor?

Afraid not, Mr. Gordon.

Why, he can't still possibly be
out from just a shoulder wound.

No, your prisoner's wound
is superficial, as I told you.

Well, then when
can I speak with him?

Maybe never, I'm afraid.

I don't understand.

Take off your coat.

This is a good deal more
serious than I thought, isn't it?

Noguri's syndrome. Does
that mean anything to you?

Not very much.

It's some kind of
an Asian disease...

Very deadly, very rare,

very much confined to
Asia, I always thought.

We all did...

until we finally diagnosed
what was really wrong

with your prisoner.

It's unbelievably contagious.

And it's communicable,

after a 3 to 5-day
incubation period.

Anyone who has had
any contact with a carrier,

has to be inoculated
within that period of time.

Or?

You're next.

Or?

Or it's too late.

Now, you've been protected,
but of course, Mr. West hasn't.

Get him in here right away,
because if he's not inoculated

within the right
period of time...

I don't even know if I
can find him in time,

let alone get him in
here for an inoculation.

How much time do I have
to get the serum to him?

Dating from today, he
has at least until the 15th.

At the outside, the 17th,

before he would start
feeling the classic symptoms:

nausea, dizziness,
blurred vision, and then...

Dead?

Dead.

For a ducat...

dead!

Oh, my offense is
rank. It smells to heaven.

Put the primal
elder's curse upon it.

Oh, brothers...

But in addition,
Jim and the girl,

not to mention the
rest of the gang,

have undoubtedly been infected

by this galloping
disease by now,

whatever the name of it is.

Noguri's syndrome,
Asia's finest.

I've got less than three days

to get to them with
that information.

Well...

what are you
going to do about it?

Nothing at the moment,
colonel, because it'll do me

no good at all to go
galloping off after them

without some idea
where they might be.

Until Washington sends me
some information I've requested,

I can't move.

I realize you have
your problems,

but this situation also
poses a few for me,

as territorial banking
commissioner.

Well, at the moment,
Mr. Guild, I'm a little more worried

about Mr. West's safety than I
am about the missing money.

Granted, Colonel
Richmond, but the situation

is considerably worse
than you may think.

Farmers, ranchers,
small business men;

they're beginning to lose
faith in the banking commission.

And on top of that,

none of the stolen money
has turned up anywhere.

It's as though it had
been just swallowed up.

Yes, and since
yesterday's holdup,

another $150,000 is
snatched out of the economy.

At least there's
one ray of sunshine.

And what might that be?

Hmm?

Oh, I was just thinking how
much I'd like to be around

when the gang starts
divvying up the loot.

Hey, you, whatever your name is.

Dear lady, from the
bottom of my heart,

I do sweetly urge
you to shut up.

Listen to me.

If it's money you're after,

I have a proposition for you.

If it's money we're after?

You have a proposition?

I can get you
money, and lots of it,

if you'll do something for me.

You hear that?

All she has to do is
reach out and touch,

and everything turns into gold.

I know who you are.

You're the daughter
of King Midas.

No. Of the governor
of this territory.

The...

Governor Randolph
Trent has one child,

a daughter named, uh...

Ah-veri.

Averi.

You are Averi Trent.

What is it you want, Miss Trent?

I need to get to Fort Cordovan
as quickly as possible.

And once we're there,

I'll have Daddy
wire you the money.

I'll tell the boys
to break camp.

You're practically
in Fort Cordovan.

Stacey, give me a pen and paper.

Carl, saddle up.

You're going on a little trip.

I've just heard the missing
girl is the governor's daughter.

So it seems.

Well, what are
you doing about it?

They must be stopped.

Mr. Guild, yesterday
Jim West tangled

with the leader of the gang,

a man who played character bits,

quoted Merchant of Venice.

Reasonable conclusion:
we're dealing with an actor.

Later on, one of the gang dies,
quoting Hamlet in his delirium.

Sure-fire conclusion:

we're dealing with a
troupe, an acting company,

and right at this very
moment, the Olympic Company,

a Shakespearean acting
troupe, is touring the territory.

I fail to see what that means.

Here, I'll show you.

Now, these pins indicate
the stage holdups.

Now, we know for sure
that the Olympic Company

has played the adjoining towns.

Which just might explain

where the missing money is kept.

Exactly.

Now, they've already played
Elkton, Sierra, and Milbank.

They seem to be
heading towards Mexico,

where they'll probably
meet the rest of the gang,

so they'll be free
to spend the money.

Artemus Gordon is
on his way right now

into the next town in sequence.

Artemus, looks like
the play's the thing

wherein we'll catch
the conscience of, uh...

Wonder who?

Aah!

I thought we had made a deal.

Oh, we have, dear lady...

a most sacred binding compact.

I deliver you to the
gates of Fort Cordovan...

in return for
which, small service

your father will
suitably reward me.

Well, then, why
are we waiting here

in this loathsome place?

Patience, dear lady, patience.

Don't patience me. When?

When certain strategic
supplies I've ordered arrive.

Til then, allow
me to offer you...

wine.

Come.

A lovely setting...

a beautiful young lady...

and a fine vintage Medoc...

whose crimson will pale

beside the crimson of your lips.

You are a thief,

and you'll probably
wind up on the gallows,

but you do have style.

We've got a visitor.

Psst.

You? What are you doing here?

Come on.

Come on.

Hey, let go of me!

Aah!

Let go of me.

What do you think you're do...?

Find out what happened
to those guards.

And as for you,
my doomed friend,

you and I are going
to have a little chat.

Where's Clyde?

Over there.

Drunken misbegotten louse
swilling himself unconscious

an hour before curtain time.

Get rid of him.

He was a bad Falstaff,

perhaps the worst I
ever had to play against,

but what have I got now?

Nothing.

Bartender!

There's a special providence

in the fall of a sparrow.

If it be now, 'tis not to come;

if it be not now,
yet it will come-

the readiness is all,

since no man hath
aught of what he leave.

What is't to leave betime?

Yes? Something?

You know your
Hamlet very well, sir.

How familiar are
you with Henry IV?

No, eye hath seen
such scarecrows.

I'll not march through
Coventry with them, that's flat.

Good.

Nay, the villains march
wide betwixt the legs,

as though they had jibes on,

for indeed, I had the
most of them out of prison.

That's all, my
friends. Show's over.

On the contrary, it's
only the beginning.

I could use a Falstaff like
you in my show tonight.

What's your name?

Kevin Kimble,

and thank you,
I'm not interested.

Would you like to hear

some wild Irish poetry,
my pagan beauty?

I'd pay very well for
your services, Mr. Kimble.

Thank you. I'm not interested.

And be very, very grateful.

Well, on the other hand, uh...

how can one put a
price on the gratitude

of one's fellow man?

Aah...

If I come in his,

let him make a carbonado of me.

For I do not like such honor,

grinning as Sir Walter hath.

Give me life,

which if I can save, so:

if not, honor
comes unlooked for,

and there's an end.

They like you, Mr. Kimble.

Peasants.

So were the patrons

of Master Will's
Globe Theatre, I'm told.

I've decided to extend
our engagement here

another three days.

You'll stay with us, of course.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm afraid I can't.

What?

Well, you see, it's my aunt.

She's taken very ill.

I'm afraid that she isn't
expected to live for three days.

So under the circumstances...

I also would take
it ill, Mr. Kimble,

if our enthusiastic audience

were to be deprived
of your Falstaff

for the run of our play.

Ready for you, Mr. Lansing.

Do I make myself clear, sir?

Oh, yes, Mr. Lansing,

you make yourself
very, very clear.

♪ There's a yellow
rose in Texas ♪

♪ I am goin' to see ♪

♪ I'm the only one
Who knows her ♪

♪ Nobody else but me ♪

♪ She cried so When I left her ♪

♪ It almost broke my heart ♪

♪ But if I ever find her ♪

♪ We nevermore will part ♪

♪ She's the sweetest
Little rosebud ♪

♪ Texas ever knew ♪

♪ Her eyes Are
bright as diamonds ♪

♪ They sparkle Like the dew ♪

♪ You may talk About
your Clementine ♪

♪ Sing of Rosalee ♪

♪ But the yellow rose Of Texas ♪

♪ Is the only girl for me ♪

♪ For the Rio
Grande Is flowin' ♪

♪ The stars Are shinin' bright ♪

♪ We walked along the river ♪

♪ On a quiet summer night ♪

I've decided to extend
our engagement here

another three days, with
you staying with us, of course.

What?

You are a talented
fellow, Mr. Kimble,

and, of course, you can explain

what you're doing
in my dressing room.

I'm-I'm waiting.

I looked everywhere for
you. I couldn't find you.

I decided to wait for you here.

I see.

Any particular reason why?

Yes. To give you this letter.

Well, it came by courier.

They said it was most urgent.

John.

You and I will leave
tonight for Red Rock Cave.

You mean, we're not going
to extend the performances

for three additional days?

My plans have
changed, Mr. Kimble,

so you're free to visit
your dying aunt after all.

I suggest you get
started right now.

Oh, I certainly
will, Mr. Lansing.

Yes, of course. Thank you.

Oh, thank you so much.
Thank you very much.

You know, you were right.
This is very good wine.

Good night.

Miss Trent?

Yes?

Would you please
do me a great favor.

Why, certainly. What is it?

Well, inside my shirt,
there's a cigar and a match.

Even a condemned man's
entitled to have a smoke.

Of course.

Thank you.

Had a little good
night kiss, I see.

You wouldn't happen to
be jealous now, would you?

Me, jealous?

Not a chance.

And what's wrong with my kisses?

Oh, what's right
with your kisses?

Well, I'll show you.

Hey, he's gone!

Breakfast.

You might like to
know, that unlike you,

he was a perfect gentleman.

I'd made a deal with him.

He was going to take
me to Fort Cordovan.

Here. Sagebrush tea.

Come on. Drink it.

It was all settled, and
then you came along.

Really? Well, I think
you should read this.

How I hate you.
How I despise you.

Fine, but you should
read this letter.

And when I tell my
father what you've done,

he'll break you.

You'll see.

Well, if I were you,
I'd still read that.

One of his men
was taking that letter

to your father when
I intercepted him.

Even if your father
had paid the full amount,

you would have ended up

with a knife in your
back or a bullet.

May I please have some
of your sagebrush tea?

I'm sorry.

There isn't time.

Whoa. Whoa.

Would you please make a fire?

Going to have to be
a small one, I'm afraid.

Anything to keep from freezing.

Here. Put this around you.

You know, you never told me

what's so important
about Fort Cordovan.

Fort Cordovan is Donald.

And, uh...

what is Donald?

A lieutenant stationed there.

And he's so handsome
and so wonderful.

And you're in love with him.

Yes.

But Daddy's taken it into
his head to disapprove;

forbidden me to see him,
so I ran away from home.

Donald and I are
going to get married.

Congratulations.

We're going to live in a
little house on the post,

all covered in honeysuckle.

Every night when
Donald comes home,

he'll have his dinner
waiting for him...

Good morning.

Morning.

I'm thirsty and hungry.

Well, so am I.

There isn't time. Come on.

Where's Carl?

He's dead at the bottom
of that gorge yonder.

Good bye, ransom.

That's the second 150,000
we've lost this week.

Well, don't worry about
it. We'll get the girl back.

No, no. Too risky.

By now, the governor has to
know his daughter's missing.

Yeah, and by noon, this place
will be crawling with troops.

And by then, we'll be
holed up in Red Rock Cave,

and nobody except my
brother will know where we are.

Let's move.

Let's go. Hup.

They've given up.

I'll wait until they
get out of sight,

and then I'll track them.

But why?

Why? It's why I came out here

in the first place, that's why.

Hyah, hyah.

Where are they?

I don't know.

Just for a guess,

I'd say they're in that cave.

Well, now what?

Now I go in after them.

Let me help you down.

Go get some coffee.

We'll take over for you now.

Hey!

Help!

Help!

Those-those men in the
cave, they're trying to kill him.

Who?

James West. Please help him.

Hey! Hey! What are you doing?

Hey! Come on! Let go of me!

What...

I can't leave you
alone for one hour

without you getting
into some kind of trouble.

We've got to get to that girl

with an inoculation,
you know that, don't you?

Yeah, I know that, Artie.

Where is she?

She's in the cave.

Let's see if there's
another entrance.

Right.

Well, I never sent you any
note telling you to come here.

Something's very wrong.

Not anymore.

All we need is
to get rid of West.

We have a fortune
at our disposal,

and we're free to leave
for Mexico whenever we...

What's the matter with you?

Drop your hardware!

You won't even live
long enough to be buried.

It's true.

You've all been exposed
to an Asiatic plague.

Without this inoculation,
you won't live out the week.

He's lying, of course.

Am I?

Gentlemen, ask that man
that's laying on the ground.

Which one of you will be next?

Feeling a little faint?

A little dizzy, gentlemen?

Come on, gents. Speak up.

I've got enough serum
here for all of you.

If anybody dies, it'll
be West and the girl.

Whoops. That slipped.

Leaves only three
bottles of serum.

I'll destroy the last two

if you don't come out
and give yourselves up.

No, Malcolm.

That's the last of them, Jim.

What's she doing?

What's it look like she's doing?

You can't inoculate
infected money.

Oh, my. Much prettier
when you can smile.

Well, what else
would a girl be doing

on the way to her wedding?

Well...

Averi, congratulations.

Thank you.

All good luck.

Thank you.

You know, I think
Donald will like me

so much better now
than he did before.

Averi?

That's Donald.

Donald!

I'd like you to meet someone.

This is Donald.

How do you do, gentlemen?

I want to thank you
for taking care of Averi.