The Who Was? Show (2018): Season 1, Episode 9 - George Washington & Marco Polo - full transcript

It's a tale of polar-opposite icons: one, a commanding leader known for his truthfulness; the other, a world traveler who probably told lots of lies.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
♪ I'm feeling ready
Got the glow ♪

♪ I'm in the pool, Marco Polo
We know how this really finna go ♪

♪ We chilling in the HQ
Of the Who Was Show ♪


Hey, sounds like a sweet party
going on in here.

-We're freestyling about who's on.

George Washington and Marco Polo.
Care to give it a go?

- Oh, yeah.
- Go, Ron. Go, Ron. Go, Ron.

♪ My name is George
I'm here to say ♪

♪ My name is George Washington
In a major way ♪

-Come on.

Who was that other guy?

-I'm on a total roll now.
-Marco Polo.

Here we go.

♪ My name is Marco Polo, I'm here to say
My name is Marco Polo in a major way ♪

Stop, Ron. Stop, Ron.

-That's the right idea. Have a great show.

Ooh, lasagna.

♪ They were more than
Just some famous names ♪

♪ They were brilliant, brave
A bit insane ♪

♪ And against all odds
They changed the game ♪

♪ What was going on inside their brains? ♪

♪ These are not your average Joes ♪

♪ They did stuff the whole world knows ♪

♪ They're the superstars
Of The Who Was Show ♪

♪ This is The Who Was Show ♪

♪ This is The Who Was Show ♪

Who was George Washington?

First president of the U.S., he led
America to independence from Britain

-in the Revolutionary War.
-I'm a big deal.

As general,
he lost more battles than he won.

Why mention that?

But it was his leadership in moments
of crisis that mattered.

-Ah. That's a little better.
-Who was Marco Polo?

Marco left Italy as a teenager and spent
24 years traveling as far as China.

He wrote about his exploits,
teaching Europe about the East.

I saw many amazing things,
like desert ghosts.

That was the wind.

-Serpent monster.
-A crocodile.

-Half-man, half-monkey men.
-Oh, boy.

Historians believe
that he may have exaggerated.

It's all in my book.
The Travels of Marco Polo.

It's a best-seller.

Venice, Italy, 1269.

- Two shiny gold ducats.
- Marco, I'm home.

-Could that be--? Father?
-It's your father who left for China

and never sent a postcard.

Oh, brand-new father, you're exactly
as I pictured. Only much, much smellier.

That happens to merchants.

Trading, sleeping in rain,
catching parasites

-from food that's looking at you.
-Oh! How exciting.

Can I go, too, brand-new father?
Oh, please?

We'll get to know each other.
You and me.

-And your Uncle Maffeo.

Can I use your pee pot?

Um... Okay.

You, me and creepy Uncle Maffeo.
I can do that.

Pack. You'll need 24 years
of shoes, pants, shirts and underwear.

-I got one pair of each.

-Soon you'll smell like me.
-What an honor.

Wow, that's really bad.

-Hey, Georgio.
-Yes, Marco?

- Polo.
- Excuse me.

- As I was saying, what do you need, Marco?
- Polo.

- Okay, why do people keep saying Polo?
- Marco.

Let me try again.

why did you ask for me?

- Just so we could do this. Marco.
- Polo.

Colonial America, 1755.

Washington, you have some idea
about this French and Indian War

we British are fighting alongside you?

I'm just a Virginia militiaman,

but when the French and Indian fight,

-they hide behind trees, sir.
-Yes. And?

Well, we stand in rows
and let them shoot at us.

Your point is?

Maybe we can hide, too,
and not let them shoot us?

Washington. I'll show you
how to be a real English soldier.


You're in charge now. Whatever you do,
don't change the way we fight.

The French are shooting.
What do we do?

Battle formation.
Go stand over there in a row. Go.

Sorry. It's my first day.

-Where do you want us?

Over there, in a clearly visible line.
Go. Hurry up.

Be ca--

Seems like
this isn't the best plan.

-What about us?
-Stand and get shot at?

-I guess?

Hey, um,
I'm rethinking this whole rows thing.

Uh, let's retreat and come up
with a new plan. My horse.

Okay. My other horse.

Um, I'll walk. Retreat. Follow me.

Gotta be a better way.

I'm ready. How long will it take
to get to China?

We live in a marvelous time.
With the new route, only four years.

Only four years? Ah, modern luxuries.

The Spice Route.

Well, about to set sail
from the Middle East.

These winds
should get us to Asia in no time.

Oh, no. We're sinking.
What do we do?

Uh, change of plans.
We'll take the land route to China.


The Silk Road.

This seems much safer
than the Spice Route.

It's much less, uh, drown-y.

-Give me all your jewels.
-Aah! Bandit. Run.

The Gobi Desert.

Now for the final part of our vacation,
500 miles through the desert.

-Will we make it there alive?
-I don't know.

We need camels!

Camels, camels, camels.

Are you taking a spectacular journey
across the desert? You need camels!

I'm Antony Antonelli,
owner of Camels! Camels! Camels!

I've got the best camels
in the whole flat world.

Camels are the only way.
They're the ships of the desert.

Like ships, camels can go weeks
without food or water,

and have long eyelashes and
self-closing nostrils to keep out sand.

We got all camels!
Two-humped, one-hump,

no-hump camels, dromedaries, Bactrian.
So many camels!

All less than a 100,000 miles on them
for zero dinars down!

Come down to Camels! Camels! Camels!
and test drive your camel.

That's Camels! Camels! Camels!
on the Gobi Desert.

Tonight on Undercover General:

December, 1777, as the American colonies
fight for independence,

General George Washington's army
is low on food, supplies and hope.

Okay, I'm going undercover to find out
what my men are thinking.

Greetings, fellow non-generals.

My name is George Washing... bone.
Yeah, George Washingbone.

-Roasting up some dinner?
-No. We haven't had food for a week.

That was the last of the firewood.
We should've eaten it.

- Well, how about Washington?
- He's inspirational.

But right now,
I'd trade inspiration for, like, shoes.

Wait. You don't have shoes?

My feet were wrapped in rags,
but then I ate the rags.

Still, Washington, best boss.
Deserves that

"World's Greatest" mug
Martha got him.

He's that, but we wouldn't stay here
for anyone but you.

-We know you're Washington.

You're tall and you're famous.

You convinced us freedom
is worth all this.

Well, then,
perhaps I am a pretty great general.

Hey, Martha, I can keep using my mug.

- Marco Polo.
- I wrote my book while I was in jail...

for being criminally handsome.

That might be an exaggeration. Or is it?

Hey, everybody. Look who's back.
It's me, Marco Polo.

Marco who?

Ah, you don't remember me

because I've been on a crazy adventure
for the last 24 years.

Twenty-four years?

Twenty-four years.

♪ It's an amazing, crazy
Super-nutty scary world out there ♪

♪ I saw unicorns, frogs with curly hair ♪

♪ Stayed with emperors in castles of gold
My story is the greatest ever told ♪

♪ I'm governor of a province in China
I rode the back on three hyena ♪

♪ I survived winter shivering in cold
My story is the greatest ever told ♪

♪ It's all in my new book
Take a look ♪

♪ It contains all you need to know ♪

♪ So go buy a copy
Of The Travels of Marco Polo ♪

♪ I crossed mountains
Forests, fields, lakes ♪

♪ I survived a dozen earthquakes ♪

♪ Ate foods like porcupines
And mold ♪

♪ My story is the greatest ever told ♪

♪ I found statues carved in stone
Saw new people, spent 7 years alone ♪

♪ Saved a princess
Watched myself get old ♪

♪ My story is the greatest ever told ♪

♪ It's all in my new book, take a look
It contains all you need to know ♪

♪ So go buy a copy
Of The Travels of Marco Polo ♪

-Want some?

General, I got a costume party tonight,
and I'm going as Lady Gaga, per usj.

-I need to borrow your wig.

Oh. That glue is tight.

-Almost got it. One more yank will do it.

Is that where the word "Yankee"
comes from? Yanking wigs.

-No! Stop it!

This is not a wig. It's my real hair.

-I powder it so it looks like a wig.
-Oh, that's... normal.

-Hey, cherry pie, I get the irony.
-What irony?

Cherry pie. You chopped that cherry tree.
Clever snack.

Don't stain those wooden teeth.


Have no fear. History is here.

Hey, it's author Sarah Vowell.

Animated Sarah Vowell.

I come out of a pie when anybody gets
a fact wrong about history. I'm swamped.

-Um... Why pie?
-I can't pop out of a banana.

-That'd be ridiculous.
-What did we get wrong?

You didn't get a fact wrong.
Ron, however, got a bunch wrong.

Thank you.

Washington did not have wooden teeth.

They were made out of animal teeth,
hippopotamus ivory.

-Got it. From now on, wooden is forbooden.
-Oh, brother.

Washington chopping down a cherry tree

when he was a boy was just made up.
Never happened.

Gotcha. From now on, I will chop that
out of my memory.

Do you even have a memory?

Yes. Or no. What was the question?

Excuse me,
someone just said that Napoleon is short

when, in fact, he was 5-foot-7.

Into the pie I go.

You'd be crazy to eat that pie.
There's a historian in it.

I'm gonna give this a try.



That actually is fun.

December 24th, 1776.

Technically before
the Valley Forge sketch.

I checked and things
aren't looking so good.

If we don't raise morale, it is over.

It's Christmas Eve.
Let's surrender and go home.

But freedom, liberty, democracy.

Christmas, eggnog,
opening presents in our pajamas?

That's it. Across the Delaware
are Germans helping England.

Sounds confusing, but we'll cross
by night, attack by Christmas.

-And catch them by surprise.
-Follow me. Let's do this.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Hans.
Let's open up our Kris Kringle gifts.

Ooh, chocolates.

Bad news.
Looks like Christmas is canceled.

O Tannenbaum. We surrender.

Just the victory we needed to re-energize
the revolutionary movement. We back, baby.

It's the office
Christmas party.

-Can we have one?
-You can't have one.

Welcome to the roast
of Marco Polo, with your host,

explorer and colonizer
Christopher Columbus.

Good evening, everybody.

I'm so happy to be here roasting
my personal hero, Marco Polo.

The man who inspired my expedition
in 1492.

Fun fact. I was gonna sail in '91,
but it didn't rhyme with ocean blue.

But really, what a full life you've lived.

I'm sorry, did I say lived? I meant lied.
What a full life you've lied.

Back in the day,
they used to call him Marco Millions,

because people thought
he told a million lies.

Let me add one more lie.
I love this guy. Let's get him up here.

Tell us, which parts
of your book were lies

and which parts were bigger lies?

Thank you, Columbus.

I never told half of what I saw.

What he meant to say was,
"I never saw half of what I told."

And here he comes. He has been sworn
in as the first president of America.

President George Washington.

-You led us over the British,

and now you will lead
our new government.

Will you make this country awesome?

What are the specifics
of this government? What's the plan?

-Can we have ice cream for breakfast?
-Tell us the answer.

♪ Everybody relax ♪

♪ All this guessing
Is not addressing the facts ♪

♪ Our government
Is a new thing ♪

♪ But I was elected president
Not crowned king ♪

♪ All the answers can't come from me
That's not democracy ♪

♪ What we fought the revolution about
The people figure it out ♪

-♪ We'll figure it out ♪
-♪ Figure it out ♪

♪ Together we can
Figure it out ♪

-What will we use for our flag?
-We'll figure that out.

-Are we gonna have schools?
-We'll figure that out.

-What about protecting water and air?
-Work in our underwear?

♪ Questions we'll explore
I've never started a country before ♪

♪ I don't have a clue ♪

♪ Why? Nobody knows
What a president does ♪

♪ But I know
Without a shadow of doubt ♪

♪ We'll work and figure it out ♪

♪ Let me hear you give a shout
If we work together we can figure it out ♪

♪ Yeah
Together we can figure it out ♪

We beat the British when everyone
said we couldn't.

One nation with a strong government.

We're in it together,
we'll figure it out.


I wouldn't want that job
for all the world's money.


George, what are we gonna use for money?

My face.

All right, let's discuss this episode.
What did we learn today?

We learned about the lives
of two trailblazers

who set great examples
for men and women.

Uh, I have not been listening, because
I have been working on my memoir.

-Inspired by Marco Polo?
-I read a few pages of his book,

-and thought, "You got stories."
-"I was crowned King of Coolness.

There was a big parade,
and I have x-ray vision."

-Any of that true?
-Who cares? Worked for Marco Polo.

Know how to spell
"world champion" and "badminton"?

You gonna look up those words?
That'd be helpful.

And could you look up "muscular"
and "bulletproof"?

I need to know if that's one word or two.

- How do you think the show went?
- It was amazing. Unbelievable.

- Better than crossing a desert.
- A favorite part?

The sketch where I rode
a unicorn in the World Cup.

- That didn't happen.
- Didn't it? Could've sworn it did.

It's going in my book.

What's it like sharing
an episode with Washington?

He was standoffish
and a little too honest for my taste.

- Otherwise, great guy.
- Happy to be on the show?

Of course. The Who Was Show
was a natural fit.

You can't spell Washington without was.

where can viewers see you next?

Everyone can visit my house
at Mount Vernon

and look at my non-wooden teeth.

How's sharing an episode
with Marco Polo?

That Polo fellow is an exaggerator.

He tried to convince me he rode a lizard
across Europe. Imagine.

Oh, see you, George.
I'm off on my lizard trip. Giddyap. Hyah!

I cannot tell a lie. That was cool.

It's George Washington.

Amongst my countrymen,
I was known as General Washington.

But what I really wanted them
to call me was Captain Cool. That's right.

It's Marco Polo.

Kublai Khan, ruler of the Mongol empire,

had a dining room that could seat 6000.
They always sat me next to the bathroom.

Here's George Washington.

It's not easy being the father of
a country. The diapers are enormous.