The Who Was? Show (2018): Season 1, Episode 6 - Sacagawea & Blackbeard - full transcript

In Shoshone, her name means "bird woman." In English, his name means - well - "black beard." One is famous, and the other is infamous.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
It's the day we feature
Sacagawea and Blackbeard.

I know who you should feature
on the show!

-Sacagawea and Blackbeard--
-I can't hear you.

Put on this guy I'm listening to.
An amazing singer.

He's like, "Baby, baby, baby." He's
singing to a baby! The drummer comes in:

Put them on.
I do not know their names!

Ooh! Calzones!

♪ They were more than
Just some famous names ♪

♪ They were brilliant, brave
A bit insane ♪

♪ And against all odds
They changed the game ♪

♪ What was going on inside their brains? ♪

♪ These are not your average Joes ♪

♪ They did stuff the whole world knows ♪

♪ They're the superstars
Of The Who Was Show ♪

♪ This is The Who Was Show ♪

♪ This is The Who Was Show ♪

Who was Sacagawea?

Sacagawea is a Shoshone word
meaning Bird Woman.

As a teenager, she was kidnapped
and sold into marriage.

But an amazing thing happened.

Lewis and Clark needed a guide
to explore the West.

And Sacagawea had all the skills required.

I knew secret routes, Indian tribes,
how to get them horses and food.

And she did it all
carrying her baby on her back.

His name is Pomp.


Who was Blackbeard?

Born around 1680,
he grew to become a murderous villain--

Enough. Roger, Jolly,
get that narrator. Hostage time.

Right, yeah.

Great work.
A hostage is good for bargaining power.

Let me give meself
a proper introduction.

Who was Blackbeard?

The most feared pirate
on the seven seas.

For one week, I robbed every ship
coming in and out of Charles Town.

No pirate had done that before. Ha, ha.

We'd swarm the deck,
take the bounty, and throw the crew over.

Then we'd set their ships on fire. Ha, ha!
I was a real sweetheart.

Enjoy the show.

Now that Queen Anne's War ended,
we can't be privateers.

Can't be privateers? Looting foreign ships
is the only life we know.

Being a privateer's been outlawed.

No more work,
I've gotta let you go.

So, what do you lads have lined up?

My family has a sheep.
I'll look at it.

Oh! You're set.
Mr. Smith, what's your future hold?

-I figured I'd get smallpox and die.
-Oh, that's great.

Edward Teach, where will you be going?

I don't know. I'm no Billings or Smith.
They have it figured out.

That's all right. I set a service up
for lads who feel, um... rudderless.

Oh, shut up.

I've set Bob up with a desk.

He's a counselor who helps lads
find the right path. Talk to him!

Edward. Hi, I'm Bob, come on in.
I don't bite. Get close.

Grab a seat, will you?
Let's take a look at your file here. Uh...

-Oh, right. I see you don't have a sheep.

-You don't want smallpox.
-Who does?

Options are slim.
Tell me this, Edward.

-Like looting?


-Sea travel?

How about sleeping in a hammock
next to 30-odd men who are soaking wet,

who wear the same clothes for months
in a ship's hold?

A hammock? Yes.

Could you grow a thick beard?

I'm growing hair everywhere. Look.

That's good.
I know a career for you.

-A hairy nurse.
-No, you'd make a great pirate.

-I can rob ships. Arr!
-It's what a pirate does.


How did you become a captain?

I worked hard, never gave up,
and believed in meself.

And stole a ship
and threw the captain over.

There's a lesson in that...
for somebody.

Oh, Great Creator Spirit,
you named me Bird Woman,

but alas, I cannot soar
above the obstacles.

None so challenging as--

Hey, Sacagawea.

Yes, Toussaint Charbonneau,
my dear husband?

-Um, I lost my keys, eh.
-We live in a teepee. It's a flap.

Right. I'm inside.
You took a load off of me.

Send me a sign, oh, Creator.

What I'm saying is
I'm ready for a change.


Hello. Something tells me
you need guidance.

-Where did you come from?
-Last sketch.

I've got an exciting job opportunity
for a teen such as yourself.

Tell me more.

President Thomas Jefferson
wants to expand the U.S. westward

-to create a safe passage.
-Indigenous people live on that land.

-They have a claim.
-Want the job?

Lewis and Clark are gonna make a risky,
4500-mile journey to map the territory.

-They'll probably die.

Unless they have a guide
who knows what to do.

-I can do it. Here's my résumé.
-Oh, a résumé.

I like the font. Formatting's nice.
Buffalo hide?

It smells like buffalo hide.
Ooh. A few questions for you. Uh...

-Can you find food in the forest?

Speak many languages?

-Make moccasins, teepees, and clothes?
-In any size.

Prepare medicine?

-Take that. For the rash.
-You knew about that?

-You were on a pirate ship.
-They never wash.

I'd be more helpful
to this expedition

if I gave birth before we left.
That's what this is for.

Rattlesnake tail,
works every time.

-One moment.
-Take your time.

Oh, look at you.


-You're hired.

A chance to make my mark.

Do I dare risk danger?

Knock, knock. Lost my keys again, eh?

Sign me up.

Arr! It's time for Arrrrrr-bitrary.

A collection of random pirate facts
in no particular order.

Being random makes them arbitrary.

We lost our teeth
because we didn't get enough Vitamin C.

They call it scurvy!


Pirates didn't bury treasure,
we had none to spare.

Buying ammunition, food, and drink
is how we spent our money.


We didn't make people walk the plank.
We almost always let prisoners go.



Uh, we didn't say "arr."
That was used in Treasure Island.

Robert Newton, who played
Long John Silver,

based it on the way
men spoke in southwest England.

- So, this should be...
- Arbitrary Pirate Facts.

Not as fun, but accurate.

The Lewis and Clark Expedition,

featuring Lewis, Clark,

Sacagawea, Toussaint,

and baby Pomp.


Despite frostbite and diarrhea,
it's going great.

Jefferson asked for new wildlife,

he'll love prairie dogs.
Just one problem:

We're hungry.

Sacagawea, find us some food.

Please, Sacagawea?


Fine, just stop whining.

These artichokes
were next to our tent.


I give you hundreds of moneys,
so, we ride the horsey?

Like this?

We were gonna buy horses
from a Shoshone chief,

but we don't speak Shoshone.

-Oh, Sacagawea, do you speak Shoshone?
-Please, Sacagawea.


Of course I do. I'm Shoshone.
The chief is my brother.

-You should've let me do this.
-We're letting you do it now?

-You're helpless without me.
-We know.

But we need horses.

And saddles, and horseshoes,
and horse food,

and cowboy hats, and horse shampoo.

Bring us the supply canoe.


You're trusting my husband with supplies?

Oh, no.

His canoe overturned!

-With our supplies.
-You could have seen that coming.

Sacagawea, can you save our supplies?

Again? This should be
"The Sacagawea Expedition."

We know it should be.

But we need our supplies!

-Thanks, Sacagawea.
-Don't know what we'd do without you.

Hold Pomp while I build a fire
to dry your things.

Sorry. You're busy practicing
your whistling.

- Let's go, Pomp.
- Sup.

Argh. Load up. Don't know when
our next meal will be. Get the limes. Heh.

Well, look who it is.

-It's me.
-Right. Your name?

-Oh, Ron!
-Ron, okay, right.

Well, Ron, no snacks for you.
Just me and my crew.

-Not fair. Snack time is my favorite time.
-Looks like you're having a bad day.

Hate to pull the "I'm the boss" bit,
but I'm the boss.

Actually... I'm the boss now.

Time for me to change my underwear.

Ha, ha. Okay, that's disgusting.

-Not what you think.
-A bit.

-Number one.
-Oh. We don't need to know.

We're getting food. Back to looting.
Get the peanut butter.

You're under arrest for destroying
property and kidnapping the narrator.

Guilty. Let me go
and I'll give you the narrator.

That's a lesson. Take a hostage.

-Helps in negotiations.

Oh. You'll never find him.

Hey, Narrator, where are you?

I'm tied up
behind the joke wall!

-No good hiding places.
-You! Get him out!

-As for you, it's off to prison.
-You'll never catch me. Ha.

Always have a rope to swing away on.

It's me, Sacagawea.

People always ask,
"Where did you get a phone?"

"What is it like traveling with men?"

First question, none of your business.
Second question, stinky. Really stinky.

What's that smell?
Did Pomp poop again?

That's our bathroom bucket.

Or vomit bucket.

Or Steve.


The best part of my day is rest
and breathing crisp, not-smelly air.

Can you mend my moccasins
I've been walking in for months?

Here's mine, eh?

Me, too, though. Like, ew.

Touss' moccasins smell like dead moose
and elk poop.

The other moccasins smell more like mildew
and elk poop.

We rise with the sun,
we rest with him, too.

- We all sleep in this tent for warmth.
- One tent, me, 40 dudes.

And all we eat is raw stuff
with a piece of dry meat.

Any moment now, it's going to happen.

I'd plug my nose, but I don't wanna
breathe through my mouth.

Dear Creator, that's bad. Okay, bye.

-Hey, Sacagawea.
-Yes, Blackbeard?

What do you call going to the
bathroom after drinking Earl Grey?

I don't know. What do you call it?

A tea pee. Boom.

Earl Grey's a kind of tea.
See what I did there?

-There he is!
-Get him!

You'll never catch me.

So long. Watch,
it's more impressive than last time.

Slightly more impressive!

Arr, it be me, Blackbeard.
People always ask me

where I got a phone,
and, "How is travel with sweaty men?"

First, stolen from Sacagawea.
Second, it stinks.

Look, look, look.

Imagine eating rotten food in the moldy
hold of a ship with loads of sweaty men.

We've got 50 bottles of rum,
but not one bottle of shampoo.

That be the pirate way.

-Scurvy Steve, play us a song.
-Okay. Aye, aye, captain.

There he is! Get him!

Man alive, it stinks.

Get it on camera.
Pics or it didn't happen.

You'll never catch me alive!
So long!


The Lewis and Clark Expedition.

Look! The Pacific Ocean!
We made it!

And now to go home
by doing the whole trip over again.

Starting now.

Get out of here!

Let me get this straight.
It's a blimp you can ride on.

Is that right, Mr. Hindenburg?
Sounds fun. One ticket.

-You survived!
-I finished the expedition. Pay me.

-You got it. Five hundred dollars.
-You're giving it to him?

I found food,
saved the supplies and got horses.

Yeah, but it's 1806 and you're a female,
so, them's the breaks.

He knows what I'm saying.

You sent me on a grueling expedition
and I received nothing.

Does it help that your face
will be on a coin?

-Sounds like I didn't do a good job.

I hope my advice
to Blackbeard went better.

Guess what. I said, "You'll never
catch me." They caught me.

Blackbeard sails no more.
Oh. Wonder why I'm a head on a pole?

When they caught me, they cut off my head
and put it on a pole. Regrets? No.

No matter how things turned out,
I did it Blackbeard's way.

♪ I terrorized the seven seas ♪

♪ Now my head's on a pole ♪

♪ I did whatever I danged pleased ♪

♪ Now my head's on a pole ♪

♪ I kidnapped and stole
I was out of control ♪

♪ On a pirating roll ♪

♪ Now my head's on a pole ♪

♪ I plundered and thundered
And set ships on fire ♪

♪ They cut off my head
And they hoisted it higher ♪

♪ I'd say my head's not on a pole
But I'd be a liar ♪

♪ My head's on a pole ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

-♪ His head's on a pole ♪
-♪ And it's not that attractive ♪

-♪ His head's on a pole ♪
-♪ Makes it hard to stay active ♪

♪ He used to be whole
The law took a toll ♪

♪ Now my head's on a pole ♪

♪ His head's on a pole ♪

♪ His head's on a pole ♪

♪ His head's on a pole ♪

♪ His head's on a pole! ♪

♪ Now my head's on a pole ♪


Remember, kids, go for your dreams

and if you're lucky,
your head can be on a pole!

Rap Room time. Get in here.
I'm always chasing after you.

No eating in the Rap Room.


All right, let's have a rap session.

- What'd we learn?
- Nothing.

-Who's next?
-Sacagawea and Blackbeard went on voyages,

motivated by opposite reasons.

Sacagawea was noble,
but Blackbeard was selfish.

Yet they're both legends
whose stories are told.

Know whose story is not being told?
This chocolate bar's.

I won't forget it.
That was delicious.

- Goodbye.
- Right, bye.

- See you.
- Great meeting.

- Blackbeard, how was the show?
- I was treated fairly.

I got to tell my side.
It was a great experience.

Is it true
you did all your own stunts?

Does it look like a double?
My head's on a pole.

What's next?

I'll be up here
until they take my head down.

I hope they do that before it rains.

How'd the show go?

It was great. I got to scare a bear.
I wanna do that again.

What was Blackbeard like?

We didn't spend time together.
He's a loner,

and I've had my fill of smelly guys.

This question's for Pomp.
Pomp, you rode on the back of history,

carried during
a dangerous journey of exploration.

What was it like to be
participant and observer?


- It's Blackbeard the pirate!
- I thought about shaving my face,

but something's less frightening
about Captain Smoothchin.

- It's Sacagawea.
- Two hundred years after my expedition,

my face was put on the U.S. $1 coin.

$1 more than I was paid
by Lewis and Clark.

Little late, guys. Little late.

- Here's Blackbeard!
- Ha.

I'm a self-made pirate who worked hard

to go from ordinary pirate
to commodore of a fleet.

I earned everything I stole.

Because I stole it.