The Who Was? Show (2018): Season 1, Episode 5 - Marie Antoinette & Louis Armstrong - full transcript

Hey. It's the part of my day
where I suggest people you should feature,

Chewbacca, or, as always,

dear Brucie,
then you say you've already decided.

-We're featuring Louis Armstrong.
-Won the Tour de France

then gave back his titles
because he cheated?

That's Lance. Louis is the trumpeter,
introduced the world to jazz.

-I know.
-And Marie Antoinette,

last queen of France, partially
responsible for the French Revolution.

In France, cheese is fromage.

-Yes, Ron. Yes, it is.
-Well, have a great show.

- Thank you.
- Ooh, pierogies.



♪ They were more than
Just some famous names ♪

♪ They were brilliant, brave
A bit insane ♪

♪ And against all odds
They changed the game ♪

♪ What was going on inside their brains? ♪

♪ These are not your average Joes ♪

♪ They did stuff the whole world knows ♪

♪ They're the superstars
Of The Who Was Show ♪

♪ This is The Who Was Show ♪

♪ This is The Who Was Show ♪

Who was Marie Antoinette?

Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

-Oh, boy.
-Are we there yet?

Austrian royalty, teenage bride
to the future king of France,

a marriage arranged
to strengthen those countries.



After becoming queen, she was out of touch
with the people's suffering.

- The who?
- See?

Her lavish spending sparked
the French Revolution,

when peasants overthrew the king.

If you'll excuse me,
I see something I wanna buy over there.

Hand.

Who was Louis Armstrong?

Born into poverty in New Orleans,

Louis became the most
beloved jazz musician in the world.

Yeah, you right. I played the trumpet,
and I sang a bit, too.

He broke racial barriers and developed
a jazz style that changed music forever.

Or to say it in another way:

Keeping Up with the Antoinettes.

Mom, you wanted to talk?

We're marrying you
to the future king of France.

Now you're Marie.

Uh, that came out of nowhere.

This marriage will ally
France and Austria.

Marie's going from archduchess
to future queen.

Ka-ching.

Mother, I've never even met
this future king.

Doesn't matter.
You're there to have a baby.

A boy. Only boys can
become the next king of France.

You have one job, be happy.
Boy baby.

I guess I'm not that mad, 'cause, I mean,
I get to be French royalty.

Finally, I get to leave this dump.

On my way to
the Palace of Versailles.

I've been here for two weeks,

after months of packing. I hate packing.

So exhausting.

Next on
Keeping Up with the Antoinettes:

Welcome to your home,
the Palace of Versailles.

-It's so shiny.
-Now, let's meet your new fiancé.

Xavier, move.

Hello.

According to legend, in 1926,
Louis Armstrong changed music

when he accidentally introduced
a new form of singing, scat.

♪ I said doin'
The heebie-jeebie dance, yeah ♪

♪ Whoops, uh, da dooba ba dat dara ♪

♪ Dat scabba da gimme that
Padat papaper ♪

♪ Bada da, come on, man
You're doin' that on purpose ♪

♪ Scooby babadapadapa da ♪

♪ Oh, what didja, step in a dog
A poopoodoopoo da ♪

♪ Da da da
Heebie jeebie dance, oh, yeah ♪

-That was amazing, Louis.
-Wait, you liked that?

From then on,

he could get out of any situation
in which his memory failed.

Don't tell me you forgot
what today is.

Uh... Of course not, baby. It's, uh...

-You remembered our anniversary.
-Of course, baby.

Oh, boy, I am not good at scatting.

Bonjour, je suis Monsieur Tidbits.

Welcome to the home of Marie Antoinette,
the Palace of Versailles.

Allow me to be your tour guide.

Versailles has 700 lavish rooms,
2000 acres of gardens

and cost France billions of dollars.

Now we are in Marie's bedroom,
and there is Marie waking up.

For you, this is a private moment,
but Versailles was open to the public.

Privacy, please.

Anyone was allowed in to watch the queen.

She was on display day and night,

her entire life scrutinized
by the eyeballs of a nation--

They get it.

Now we are in the famous Hall of Mirrors,

so called because it has 357 mirrors
and is a hall.

Marie may be on her way to the bathroom.

We could follow. It would be gross,
but again, it was allowed.

Please don't.

Right.

Ah, what a lucky group you are.
Marie is giving birth.

Let's stay and watch, something
we are allowed to do, which is crazy.

It's a girl.

She has failed to produce a male heir.

Her mother won't like this.
Tidbits delivered, tidbits enjoyed--

-Tidbits out.
-Fine, but I'm legally allowed to be here.

This sucks.

Aw! Jazz Slang!

He brought jazz to Chicago,
where he was named the King of Jazz,

to New York, who called him
the greatest trumpet player,

to Hollywood,
where he starred in radio and movies.

He's been all over the world
as an ambassador of goodwill.

You know him as Satchmo, Louis Armstrong.

Hello, hello, hello,
and welcome to Jazz Slang.

-Whoo!
-I'll lay some out-there words,

and whoever can spill
the most beeswax gets the bread.

-I'm lost.
-Yeah.

He'll give you jazz terms
and you guess

what they mean.
Whoever does the best wins.

Oh, thanks.

"Licorice stick."

We have no idea.

"Licorice stick" means "clarinet."
Checking el scorio, goose eggs all around.

- He means it's 0-0.
- What?

"Skins."

-I don't know how to respond.
-"Skins" means "drums."

Last chance to see who has
the chops to cart home some simoleons.

"Gas."

-Fart.
-Toot.

-Break wind.
-Stinker.

-Rip one.
-Flatuosity.

-Wild burrito.
-Poop gopher.

-Butt bazooka.
-Step on a duck.

A frog. Thunder from down under.

-That's good.
-Thank you.

- Um, gas means "A good time."
- Oh.

Well, this is Jazz Slang,
and once again, nobody won.

Thank you all and have a good night.
Thank you.

Keeping Up with the Antoinettes.

My husband was crowned king,

which makes me the queen.

Yes, queen.

Isn't that right, Mops?

I said, if there'll be many goats,
I need more perfume.

-Buy them.
-Yes.

Your peasants are starving to death
because France has a bread shortage.

Bread shortage?

This bread looks pretty long to me.
I'm full.

-Come, Yolande, let's pretend to be poor.
-Okay.

-Hey, Louis.
-Yes, Marie?

As King of Jazz, are you worried
peasants will cut your jazz head off?

Well, I can't say that I am.

- Just checking.
- All right.

-No.
-Ooh.

-What a spread. Must've cost a fortune.
-No, it cost three fortunes.

-Who's paying?
-Compliments of the French people.

Thanks, French people.

-All right, what do we got here?
-Foie gras.

Cuisses de grenouille, escargot.

Mm-mm. Delicious.
What's that mean in English?

-Goose liver, frog's legs and snails.
-What? Gross.

Why are delicious foods icky?

If you wanna enjoy this,

don't find out what it is.
For the road. Don't tell me.

Ow.

Thanks for the eats.

-Reminds me of my hometown in Louisiana.
-Louisiana?

Named for my
great-great-grandfather-in-law.

That's my name.
Louis Armstrong, the King of Jazz.

I'm married to Louis XVI,
the king of France.

We're having a party
once I get my hair done.

-You should attend.
-Sounds like a blast.

You already know the address.

Is your hair dry, dull
and less than 3 feet tall?

You need me,
Leonard Autie, the queen's coiffeur.

I made this hairstyle popular,
now everyone wants it.

Not royal? Okay.
My poufs are pouffing up all over.

Celebrating a naval victory?

In the mood for a picnic? It's okay.
My poufs can hold snacks.

Love animals? Try the pouf of pets.

Come to Leonard's Les Poufs Salon,
bring a friend.

- It's lovely.
- Thank you.

- Louis, you made it.
- Queenie. Love the crazy 'do.

We were just listening
to Mozart's latest hit. Hi, Mozart.

- Play a song.
- Let's hear what they play in the future.

Thought you'd never ask.
How are you at improvising in D-flat?

-Absolutely phenomenal.
-Well, daddy-o, let's swing.

Hit it.

♪ This is quite a spread
Oh, you must be made of bread ♪

♪ This shindig's really swinging
Towards the red ♪

-♪ What he said ♪
-♪ It's a soiree extraordinaire ♪

♪ Although no one seems to care ♪

♪ Much past those fizzy bubbles
In their cup ♪

♪ You can't help wondering
How long can you keep this up? ♪

♪ Seems like you spare no expense
Which is nice in the present tense ♪

♪ But when the tab comes due
Will you have enough? ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't stop wondering
How long can you keep this up? ♪

All right.

♪ Clothes and shoes
Tables of food ♪

♪ Wine and the cake
And the jewels ♪

♪ Crystal plates
The golden chairs ♪

♪ Maids and the cooks
Marble stairs ♪

♪ And the palace
The palace over there ♪

♪ The entourage and the crazy hair ♪

♪ I just wanna know
How can you keep this up? ♪

-Hey, Marie.
-Yes, Louis?

What's got 12,000 arms and 12,000 legs

-and sounds really angry?
-I don't know.

What has 12,000 arms,
12,000 legs,

-and sounds angry?
-A French mob coming for you.

- Freedom!
- Bye-bye.

Ick!

- Freedom!
- Again?

Keeping Up with the Antoinettes.

Mops.

- Why is the outside so loud?
- Death to the monarchy!

Peasants are storming my palace because
I'm spending money and they're starving.

Now I'm thinking,
"How am I just hearing about this?"

Wait.

Allow me to bow once to you
to show you how sorry I am

for all the elaborate parties
and gambling and dress-buying

instead of saving the lives
of your filthy children.

I thought that would work,
but I was wrong.

So, now I'm headed to the guillotine.
No pun intended.

At this point, I'm thinking...

Ow.

Due to the Revolution,

Keeping Up with the Antoinettes
is canceled.

Tune in next week for
Keeping Up with the Angry French Mob.

It's time for What Went Wrong?

Hello, everyone, and welcome back
to What Went Wrong?

The show where people
reveal failures and we laugh.

It's healing.
Let's introduce our guest.

She made us crazy for aristocracy,
and she was the star

of the show,
Keeping Up with the Antoinettes.

Everybody welcome Marie Antoinette.

Thank you for having me.

Marie, you were queen,
everybody loved you,

but there was a revolution,
you got your head chopped off.

Congrats.
Because of you, French monarchy fell.

What went wrong?

Well, to start, I probably should've spent

more time preventing starvation
and less time buying wigs for Mops.

Mops looked great. Oh, well.

Let's introduce someone
whose life went right. Louis Armstrong.

- Yes, yes.
- Yeah.

Hello, everybody. Hello.

Good to see you,
and parts of some of you.

Satchmo, you had a successful career

from "Hello, Dolly" and
"What a Wonderful World,"

that brought people
of all races together,

and you started with nothing.
You know, I have to ask,

why do you still have your head?

Oh.

I learned early the best thing
was to express my soul.

Some people unite others by speeches
or by leading protests.

I did it with my music.

-Taking notes, Marie?
-I don't have hands.

Always an excuse. Okay, let's take
a break, and when we return,

Marie talks about her new career
as a high school volleyball.

Kids love me.

That was great.

-I laughed, I cried.
-What made you cry?

I don't remember,
but I get sad thinking about it.

Today shows
it doesn't matter

what life you were born into,
your actions matter.

Louis was born into poverty,
but through hard work, he was beloved.

Marie showed us if you're in power
and don't take care of people,

-it can backfire.
-Let's talk about me.

I work hard, I'm in power,
I take care of people,

and every single thing I do
always backfires. I have it all.

-One out of five was true.
-That's pretty good for me.

Later, kiddos.

Ow!

That was a closet, I'm not staying there.
Not tonight. Later.

- How was the show, Marie?
- Could be better.

I saw Joan of Arc avoided being burned
at the stake, but I got my head cut off.

Anything fans should know?

The French Revolution wasn't all my fault,
just a lot my fault.

- Your favorite part of the show?
- The part where I had a body.

- How did the show go, Louis?
- I had a great time.

But I always have a great time.
I'm Louis Armstrong.

- What was your favorite part?
- I really liked the, uh...

- Yeah.
- I loved that part, too.

How was sharing
an episode with Marie?

I tell you, that gal's got style.

Not a lot of sense or foresight,
or a body, but great style.

Gotta give her that.

-Buy it.
-Comfy.

Thirsty.

Refreshing.

Oh.

Buy it for Mops.

- It's Marie Antoinette.
- Wait, hold on.

Does this make me look insensitive
to the poor?

I don't think so, but be honest.

Here's Marie Antoinette.

The French Revolution
was like a terrible party.

You didn't wanna be there,
everybody had a better time,

and you ended up
getting your head cut off.