The Who Was? Show (2018): Season 1, Episode 2 - Albert Einstein & Joan of Arc - full transcript

What does a peasant turned Catholic saint have in common with a Nobel Prize-winning scientist? Inspired thinking, for one thing. Also: awesome hair.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Somebody sat on my cake and now
I don't want it, so, order me another.

Who knew history had so many people in it?

-White shirt, who are you?

Alfred Gilbert, Olympic pole vaulter.

-Watch your pole.
-Get that thing out of here.

-That's dangerous.
-I can help.

-It's me, Bruce Lee.

Man, your skills continue to amaze me.
We have got to get you on this show.

We'll do Joan of Arc and Albert Einstein,
visionaries from different times.

-Nobel Prize-winner and a saint.
-Exploring science and faith.

-One thing could stop this being great.

-Guys, Brucie did the most amazing thing.

We gotta put him on.
Alongside the famous pole vaulter,

- whose name I didn't catch.
- Uh, Ron?

-We decided on Einstein and Joan of Arc.
-Joan of Arc? No. Come on, guys.

It'll be expensive
to get two of every animal.

Forget it. We're talking about elks,
ocelots, muskrats, what else?

Polar bears, right? Not only polar bears
but pangolins, hamsters, gerbils--

Well, this is a good question.
Are ants animals?

They have to be.
Not vegetables, not minerals,

not people. Guys?

♪ They were more than
Just some famous names ♪

♪ They were brilliant, brave
A bit insane ♪

♪ And against all odds
They changed the game ♪

♪ What was going on inside their brains? ♪

♪ These are not your average Joes
They did stuff the whole world knows ♪

♪ They're the superstars
Of The Who Was Show ♪

♪ This is The Who Was Show ♪

♪ This is The Who Was Show ♪

Who was Albert Einstein?

His theories redefined
our view of the universe,

and led to inventions
like the TV, the atom bomb,

-and the theory of relativity.
-Oh! Sounds like a genius.

He was. He also spoke against war
and spoke for civil rights.

-Hmm. Did he play violin?
-He did.

Did he come up with E=MC squared?

-Yes, he did.
-Oh, I like this guy.

Sounds like it's going to be
a relatively good episode.


Big finish.

Thank you.

Who was Joan of Arc?

A French peasant
from medieval times--

I hear you, angel.

Command me. I shall do as you wish.

As a teenager, she believed
she was visited by angels

telling her she'd save France
from the British.

-You desire me to save France again?
-I'm not an angel.

Then you're a devil.

- Let's start loading up the ark.
- Ron, this is Joan of Arc.

We're not doing Noah's ark.
Two very different people.

-Plus, one is a boat.
-Of course, I know.

Think I don't know the difference?
Can't a guy take his pet chickens out?

Uh, those are ducks.


-Okay. What happened to my chickens?
-Let me try again.

Here's why Joan thinks I'm an angel.

You've been visiting me
since I was 13.

And now you tell me I'm to lead
an army to crown Charles VII?

I'm an archangel. I can only
tell you things once commanded by God.

I couldn't tell you about the prophecy.

I thought archangels were different,

-but I guess I was wrong.
-Joan. Joan.

Man, this girl--
Get me back up there.

-Hey, Joan.
-Yes, Einstein?

I got a joke. Why did the chicken
cross the universe?

- I don't know. Why did the chicken cross?
- To get to the same side.

Trust me, once you consider space time,
warping and relativity,

that's hilarious.

Albert Einstein,
what are we gonna do with you?

I'm getting reports that you're not
paying attention in class.

-Sorry, what?

Like that. What was
happening in Latin class?

Seize the day."

Carpet doughnut, these are they.

Out of many, one."

E platypus spoonum,
out of platypus, spoons.

Albert? You must participate,
or you'll never learn.

What's in your head?

-Albert? Albert.
-Where am I?

You have the same problem
in gym class.


What's going on?

Albert. Albert. We're worried about you.

I'm not sure you're learning
at this school.

You'll be fine. Wow.

Do you like my hair?

So, a lot of commenters have been asking,
"Hey, Al, how do you do that 'do?"

Right? It's actually pretty easy.

All you have to do is wake up,

then take a simple ordinary hairbrush.
Like this one, you see it?

And throw it out the window.
There you have it, E=MC hair.

See what I did?
Subscribe and smash that like button.

If you don't finish your leaves,
you can't have your quarter of a carrot.

-I'm not hungry.
-I know that tone. Boy trouble?

Michael wants me to be somebody I'm not.

He's an archangel,
but don't let him pressure you.

-Can I talk to Joan?
-She can't see you. What do you want?

To apologize. I should've mentioned
your prophecy earlier.

That's okay. I'm blindsided.
I'm a teen, it's a lot of pressure.

But if inspiring the army to free our
nation means that much to you and God--

Michael needs me.
I've got to save France.

-Eat your leaves.
-All right.

Michael, let's roll.

Should I be worried about her? No.

Joan-a-philes, today is about
changing up your look.

According to archangels,
this won't fly on the battlefield.

So, the first thing I'm going to do
is cut off these long, luscious locks.

Take a sword,
cut it into a pageboy look

to pass for a pageboy.

Voilà. Now trade your dress in
for a tunic and stockings.

And there you are, ready for war. Bye.

In 1905, living in Switzerland,

Einstein did his most groundbreaking work,

and he did it all with
what full-time job?

A welder? A cowboy?

A clown? A robot?

No. He was a clerk at a patent office.

Tell us, Einstein,
what exactly does a patent clerk do?

♪ As a patent clerk
I sat all day ♪

♪ As the world's inventions came my way ♪

♪ It was up to me to decide
If they were good enough ♪

♪ Some ideas were fresh and new ♪

♪ But some were garbage
Through and through ♪

♪ So, these are the inventions
I said no to ♪

-♪ Edible boats? ♪
-♪ No ♪

♪ Goggles for ducks?
Electric bathtubs? ♪

-♪ Soccer pucks? ♪
-♪ No ♪

-♪ Poison that looks like candy? ♪
-♪ No ♪

♪ That will never come in handy ♪

♪ These are the inventions I said no to ♪

-♪ Hat for your butt? ♪
-♪ No ♪

-♪ Pillow of steel? ♪
-♪ No ♪

-♪ Bird elevator? ♪
-♪ No ♪

-♪ The wheel ♪
-♪ No ♪

Wait, did you say "the wheel"?

That was invented
thousands of years ago. So, no.

♪ No, no, no ♪

What's up?
The show is coming along great, huh?

We're learning a lot about these two, huh?

-Uh, what are their names, Ron?
-Heh, come on.

I'm more of a big-picture person.

I feel like we're learning
fascinating things today. E=MC... Pow.

-The jury is still out on that part.

We don't know
what that's about.

Oh. Yeah? I'd love to explain it,
because I do understand all about that,

but the taco truck
is leaving in five minutes.

I have not had, ahem, the chance
to get a taco. Maybe this can help.

Whoa! Okay, who's this guy?

It is I, the Explanationator,
master of explaining things.

Time for the
"Explanationator Marching Song."

♪ Who is the man who has all the answers?
The Explanationator, the Explanationator ♪

♪ Who is the man that
Everyone loves to have around? ♪

♪ The Explanationator
The Explanationator ♪


♪ He has all the knowledge
Smart as a college ♪

♪ The Explanationator is our man ♪

- Boom, boom!
- What a great song.

Listen, uh, we don't understand the E=MC
squared equation Einstein came up with.

Have no fear, an explanation is near.

E=MC squared stands for "energy equals
mass times square of the speed of light."

This says everything with mass,
a word for how much of something there is,

contains a certain amount of energy,
which is, you know, uh... energy.

But since the speed of light
is always 299,792 kilometers per second,

a bit of mass
has an enormous amount of energy.

This explanation is boring.

To put it another way, your uncle
you see lying by the pool but never moves?

Yeah, that guy.
Doesn't look like he has energy.

But, haul him up
to the diving board and...

Kablooey, energy released.

Mass-energy conversion
isn't without its risks.

Oh... I get it.

The more mass
something has, the more energy.

-And vice versa.

Consider this subject explanationated.

So, need anything else explanationated?

We're good now. Thank you for being here
and, uh, see you around.

Oh. Really?
I've got nothing else going on.

Wanna know how a door works?

Sounds like you got that.

-Hey, Joan.
-Yes, Albert?

Hi, Joanie.


Over here, Joan.


-How are there so many? Witchcraft?
-Nope, discovered time travel.

It's fun.

Here's Joan of Arc.

I'm starting to think
that Einstein's crazy.

He told me he doesn't hear voices.

The defendant, Joan of Arc.

Accused of heresy, consorting with
the devil, wearing boys' clothes.

The prosecutor, Bishop Pierre Cauchon,
is an agent of English monarch Henry VI.

They've agreed to settle their case here
on The Papal's Court.

Miss of Arc, do you know
if you're in the grace of God?

-"Am I in the grace of God?"
-Bam, trick question.

If she says yes, that's pride,
if she says no, she shows she's wicked.

Can't lose.

If I am not, may God place me there.
If I am, may God keep me.


One for Joan.
But tell me, Mrs. "of Arc":

-Are you wearing boys' clothes?

Booyah! We got her.

For wearing men's clothes,
I will apply the minimum sentence allowed:

Burning at the stake.

No! I followed the will of God.
Bishop, I die through you!

Actually, you die through
the most amazing pyrotechnics.

We got it up on the roof. It'll be huge.

Here we go, show time.

Hustle a bit.
I wanna squeeze this in before the rain.

So sad about Joan.

I guess she will be burned at the stake.
Oh, well.

Je suis Monsieur Tidbits.

They call me that because I provide
tidbits of information. Cute, eh?

You had to be careful
in Joan's time.

So many crazy laws could get you
thrown in prison, tortured

or, as Joan has found out, worse.

You weren't allowed to gossip,
keep dirty sheep,

play soccer, do witchcraft,
or hide a dead whale.

Ooh. Where did it go? Be careful in case
you find yourself in the Middle Ages,

because they can be jerks.

Tidbits delivered, tidbits enjoyed,
Tidbits out.

I appreciate you taking one for the team,
this will be spectacular.

I spared no expense. Any last words?

I hope future generations
fight for what's right and fair.

I don't want to die in vain.
Let my story inspire.

You're not dying in vain,
this'll be nuts.

-May I say a word?
-Oh, boy. All right, go.

Ron, cast members,

guy off-camera holding the mic,

other cameraman
who shows first cameraman,

for the sake of humanity,
let us not show

the fiery fate
of this misunderstood woman.

No, we gotta.
That happened.

Remember her work,
not the actions of her oppressors.

We must rise above the drone
of warfare and inequality

that plagues this planet, and celebrate
all that is good and inspiring

about our fellow man.

No, don't do that.

Stop it.
Don't try to get a slow clap going.

Get the claps out.
Go ahead, clap. Do it.

All right, I get it. Fine.

I wanted to set that fire.
It was gonna be great,

while she burned,
fireworks would go off.

It was gonna be a sky show.
Puh-pow! It was gonna be great.

See what I did? There was
another way to look at something.

Changed his perspective.

I did it with science, too.
Changed how people look at the world.

-That's what you did, ruin firework shows?
-I did not. I have a song about it.

Roll the song.

♪ Relativity, that's my theory ♪

♪ Relativity, it just came to me ♪

♪ I was like, "Time, space, gravity
Mass and energy ♪

♪ How do they work?" I went berserk
One day it hit me ♪

♪ Hit me ♪

Ow. Don't hit me. I'm old.

♪ Though the laws of physics
Do not waver or change ♪

♪ The way that we perceive things
Can get kind of strange ♪

♪ So, you see, relativity
Is just how things appear ♪

♪ Depending on if they're fast or slow
High or low, far or near ♪

♪ Relativity
Like when you're on a train ♪

♪ That's stopped
And on the next track's another train ♪

♪ The other train starts moving
It confuses your brain ♪

♪ Like, "Which is moving?"
That's what I tried to explain ♪

♪ Relativity, the way things look to you ♪

♪ Is in reality, just your point of view ♪

Whoa, deep, right?
Let me demonstrate.

Violin solo.

♪ That violin break I just played
Sounded sweet to me ♪

♪ But perhaps you hated every note
That's relativity ♪

♪ Okay, that's not exactly
What my theory is about ♪

♪ Go ahead, try explaining it
In a song, Einstein out ♪

As someone from the 15th century,
did that make sense?

-What is a train?
-Oh, boy.

It's Rap Room time,
my itty-bitty biographers.

Come on in, grab a seat.
Don't just grab the seat.

Talk about
what a great show that was.

Let's talk about everything
that we learned. Starting with you.

-Don't ask me, I don't know.

Uh, I was inspired by
the potential of the mind.

Einstein uncovered
mysteries of the universe

-by thinking about them.

Joan taught us the mind's capable
of experiencing faith that inspires others

and motivates them
to do the impossible.

I'll tell you what we learned.

A lesson
about not lighting people on fire.

Even if you think it'll make
exciting television, don't do it.

Joan? Is Joan here?

-Oh, hi.
-Thank you for not lighting me on fire.

I owe you an apology. Probably scared you.

-That wasn't cool.
-Show business. What do you do?

But I did get you something
as a peace offering. Wheel it in.

- Whoa!
- See that? It even says "I'm sorry" on it.

-Dive in, everybody.
-I love cake.

-This is amazing. Aah!
-Oh, my goodness. Aah!

-I'm getting him on one way or another!

Food fight.

- How did the show go?
- Any show where I get to sing

and save someone
from being burned is good.

Did you have a favorite part?

When that Explanationator fellow
explained E=MC squared.

That was helpful. I get confused
by that sometimes.

Anything fans should know?

- Did they notice I have a mustache?
- Yes.

Then I'm good.

Joan, anything to say to Einstein?

Thanks for saving me.
I like your violin playing.

- Your favorite part?
- That pig in my childhood hut was so cute.

I wanted to hug it all day,
but I had to save France.

King Tut, the Egyptian pharaoh,
will be on next. Any advice?

Relax, and don't let Ron
burn you at the stake.

- Any final words for the fans?
- One last thing:

Never forget,
I'm a different person than Noah's ark.