The Who Was? Show (2018): Season 1, Episode 12 - Galileo & Queen Elizabeth - full transcript

The Renaissance sparked the rebirth of art and science. It also saw the rise of a royal icon and an astronomer who changed how people saw the world.

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Wow. Feels like walking through
a time machine.

Like I'm back
when people like you were around.

Now I feel like I'm way back
when you probably existed.

A long time ago.
Now I feel like I'm in the future

with feathers growing out of heads.

I am from 330 BC.
In my life, I was undefeated in battle

and I amassed one of the largest empires
in the world, I am Alexander the Great.

Oh, wow. Can you do this?

- No.
- More like Alexander the Good.

Whoa! Feel like I'm in a time machine.
What's this? Ha, ha.

Hey, Ron.
We're doing a Renaissance episode.



Ew.

The cultural movement that swept Europe
from 1400-1600?

Yeesh.

-The rebirth of science?
-Galileo and Queen Elizabeth.

Rethink things, this could be
the perfect episode for Brucie.

Bruce Lee lived 400 years
after the Renaissance.

If he was born 400 years earlier,
he could be on the show?

-Yeah.
-That's his parents' fault. Not mine.

Ooh! Turkey dinner.

♪ They were more than
Just some famous names ♪

♪ They were brilliant, brave
A bit insane ♪

♪ And against all odds
They changed the game ♪

♪ What was going on inside their brains? ♪

♪ These are not your average Joes ♪



♪ They did stuff the whole world knows ♪

♪ They're the superstars
Of The Who Was Show ♪

♪ This is The Who Was Show ♪

♪ This is The Who Was Show ♪

- Who was Galileo?
- Who said that?

Galileo took a child's toy,
a telescope,

and turned it into a powerful tool
to observe outer space.

There.
Nothing hides from my telescope.

He got in trouble
with the Catholic Church.

They hated it when I said the Earth
revolved around the sun, but I was right.

Eventually, after a few centuries.
You were long gone.

Long gone and right.

Who was Queen Elizabeth?

Oh, wonderful.
The theater has come such a long way.

Queen of England from age 25 to age 69,

Elizabeth expanded England's strength
and encouraged the arts.

-I knew Shakespeare.
-She never married nor had any children.

Marriage would mean giving up
my power to a king.

Besides, my one true love was England.

Now that I think about it,
it's amazing I was ever queen.

Dear diary, being a princess
is supposed to be great,

but my sister Mary jailed me
because she's scared of being overthrown.

And now I have nobody to talk to.

- Hey, what about us?
- Who said that?

- Are we chopped liver?
- Chopped heads.

-We're traitors, they cut off our heads.
-Makes people not tell secrets.

OMG, is my head going to be cut off?

Maybe, but it's not that bad.

If you like having your eyes
pecked out. Do you?

Why might your royal head
get taken off?

I guess it just runs in my family.
My dad was King Henry VIII.

King Daddy? Do you have to
cut off people's heads?

That's a question a girl would ask.
It's our job.

Don't ask again
or I'll cut off your head.

-Daddy was upset I wasn't a boy.
-Yeah, he had a real ax to grind.

Oh, yes, he was a real pain in the neck.

Leave the jokes to us.
Keep telling your story.

Okay.

Send in the prisoner.

-Mommy?
-Hi, pookie.

Your mom gave birth to you,
so I'm cutting her head off.

Bye, pookie.

Go to bed like a good girl or I'll...

-Cut off my head?
-Love you. I'd still cut off your head.

Now that Mary is queen,
she's just as bad.

- She caught a bloke skipping church.
- Or looked at her funny.

With that face,
he couldn't look any other way.

You are my best friends.

A Renaissance Day in the
Renaissance Life of a Renaissance Teen.

Hey, guys.
A day in the life of a Renaissance teen.

It's gonna be rad-aissance.

All right, so, morning armpit check.
Oh, yeah. No boils.

Which means I still don't have the plague.
Noice.

I'm at school, my teachers are monks.
Check it out, printed books. They're rare.

Galileo.

I wish I grew up in the Dark Ages,

you didn't learn, nobody knew anything.
You could do this:

Well, my Renaissance days continue.

Time to practice my harp.
Cool people in the Renaissance do.

It's easy. For me, it is.
'Cause I'm a genius.

When not learning,
I like seeing how stuff works.

-This was on my dad's desk.
-Hmm. Has anyone seen my darn hand mill?

Nope. Nothing to see here, Dad.

Mama mia.

Ah. That was my Renaissance day.
I like this time.

I'm turning into a smart, independent man.

Candles out, son. It's bedtime.

Dad.

Coronation day.
Elizabeth will be the new queen.

Oh, this is so super crazy.

Give me a royal beat.

-♪ It's so crazy I'm queen ♪
-♪ Odds were against her is what we mean ♪

♪ I was the daughter of a king
I never thought I'd wear this thing ♪

♪ I had a son, and how it works
The son becomes king, it's a perk ♪

♪ I'm her half-brother
I died young ♪

-♪ Thank goodness ♪
-♪ Hey, bite your tongue ♪

-♪ You got to be queen ♪
-♪ My half-brother was off the scene ♪

♪ The throne was given to me
Jane Grey ♪

-♪ I only got to be queen for a day ♪
-♪ After that, it wasn't my turn ♪

♪ My sister got the crown
It's a right you earn ♪

♪ Mary ruled the country like a tyrant
And no word rhymes with tyrant ♪

-♪ You got to be queen ♪
-♪ My sister would never leave the scene ♪

♪ I was powerful, decisive and scary
I earned the name "Bloody Mary" ♪

♪ One day I just died ♪

♪ I couldn't believe it
Of course I cried ♪

♪ I'm the queen
I'm fresh as a daisy ♪

♪ How this all happened
Is so super-crazy ♪

Yes, queen.

Here's Galileo.

I see all with my telescope.
Even you.

Wow. Your house is a mess.

Welcome to my dressing room.
I've become quite the fashion icon.

This is a bodice.

It gives a woman a tiny waist
and two to 12 crushed ribs.

This is a farthingale, but I call it
a fartingale as it cages my royal farts.

I love a puffy sleeve.

Makeup.

Clearly, I prefer a natural look.

The butt-shaped one.

Getting quite heavy.

Oh, boy. Whoo! Here I go.

Now for the royal hoisting. Ladies?

I have a great mind, but can't figure out
how they got the cheese in.

Eh. I know how to get cheese
and pretzel in my belly.

Ow.

That pretzel fell too fast.
I'll try a small one.

Uh, all pretzels fall at the same speed.

-No way.
-It's true.

Uh, in an experiment, I proved objects
fall the same speed

-regardless of size or weight.
-If I tip this table

-of snacks, they'd fall at the same time?
-Yes, but don't.

-Think I should? Okay.
-No.

-Please don't.
-Oh, wow!

It really worked.
I like science.

-Hey, when science is done, who cleans up?
-You.

And now I don't like science.

Hey, Your Majesty.

It's been requested that Queen Elizabeth
open her joke wall portrait

in response to Italian engineer,
astronomer, physicist

and mathematician Galileo Galilei.

Let it be known the queen
is entering the joke wall.

Yes, Galileo?

-I forgot what I was going to say.
-All right.

The good queen is exiting the joke wall.
God save the queen.

Ye Olde Shark Tank.

Galileo invented a device
for looking at things far away.

Will the sharks see him eye-to-eye?

Sharks, this is a telescope. It's a toy
now, but I plan to make it so powerful

people can see the heavens.

I'm asking for five florins
to make stronger lenses

for 10 percent equity
and 15 percent royalty on units sold.

-How many have you sold so far?
-None, I haven't made it yet.

Why look to the heavens
if Aristotle told us what we need to know?

Aristotle said the sun orbits Earth.
That's all I need to know.

So, for that reason, I'm out.

Don't listen, they're not progressive.
Aristotle said that 18 centuries ago.

-If they'd read a book, they'd know.
-Thanks, Mark.

See? Mark is right.
What if I said Aristotle was wrong?

Oh, my.

I'm not ready to accept new ideas,
I'm out.

I'm scared of lenses,
took a big loss with dog glasses

-and for that reason, I'm out.
-The only shark left is Mark.

-Sell me.
-Okay.

What if the moon isn't perfect
or there's more stars?

- How can we learn unless we look?
- Learn?

-Well, la-di-da.
-How does this telescope make me money?

This is greater. It's about understanding
our place in the universe.

Understanding the cosmos.

I can't sell this. It challenges
what humankind knows to be true.

-But it's not true. Not.
-It is true. It is true.

-Not true.
-It is true. True.

-Not true. Not. Mm-mm.
-It's true. It is.

Not true.

-It's true.
-No.

I'm out.

-Thanks for your time.
-Get out.

-Bye.
-Get out.

- Trip and fall.
- Ridiculous.

- The curtain's there!
- Should've led with my thermometer.

-Any luck?
-They're all dumb-dumbs.

Oh.

♪ For such an enlightened time ♪

♪ The Renaissance can be just so
Dumb, dumb, dumb ♪

♪ It's such a backwards time
I can take the filth and grime ♪

♪ But the thing I cannot fathom
Is a small, closed mind ♪

♪ Get your maps
Of the flat Earth here ♪

♪ How? We've known the Earth is round
For 100 years ♪

-♪ Eclipses are caused by demons ♪
-♪ Not the reason ♪

-♪ If you wait, meat turns into flies ♪
-♪ Makes no sense ♪

♪ Seriously, guys
Everyone around me is a dumb-dumb ♪

♪ Dimwit fools
With mush between their ears ♪

♪ Renaissance or not
They rarely have a thought ♪

♪ That hasn't been repeated
For a thousand years ♪

♪ I've got every kind of charm
You can imagine ♪

♪ To protect you
From the witches everywhere, ha, ha ♪

♪ I can drain your blood
To keep you healthy ♪

-♪ Just have a seat in any open chair ♪
-♪ See? ♪

♪ Everyone around me is a dumb-dumb ♪

♪ Stuck in ancient ways
Such an idiotic haze ♪

Get your mud pies here. Real mud to eat.

Dumb-dumbs.

Queen Elizabeth.

I love talking to my subjects.

They're all,
"Yes, my queen. I love you, my queen.

Long live the queen."
Who wouldn't love talking like that?

It's me, Galileo, again.
This is our solar system.

Or what everybody assumed our solar
system looked like before my telescope.

People thought the sun and planets went
around the Earth. That's "geocentric."

My work showed that the solar system was
heliocentric with the sun in the middle.

Ow. Hot, hot, hot.

- Come on.
- Galileo, you're the worst!

And I learned the Earth
is spinning around the sun fast.

And the Earth is tilted.

Mommy!

This upset lots of people,
especially the Church.

They thought God would've put mankind,
his greatest creation, at the center.

- Whoa, whoa. What's all this?
- It's the pope.

Right, for the crime of saying
the Earth goes around the sun,

I'm placing you under arrest
for the rest of your life.

Sorry, kids. It's the year 1633.
This is the way we did things back then.

It took us another 200 years
before we accepted Galileo's ideas.

Thanks for watching.

Queen Elizabeth.
The Spanish navy is invading.

-I must go there at once.
-It is a grueling trek

and is too dangerous
for a leader of your... womanyness.

Nonsense. I'm off.

Time to change into my battle outfit
and get rid of this collar.

The coast is far. And this armor
is very heavy and I had to fight a bear.

Soldiers of England, it is I,
Queen Elizabeth I.

I may have the body of a woman, but I have
the heart and stomach of a king,

so, let's kick some Spanish butt.

-Charge!
-Ho!

Huge Spanish ships. Hundreds of them.

-Quickly, summon the Royal Navy.
-Royal Navy's here.

-Take cover, my queen. Enemy cannon fire!
-Never.

Fire back!

My lady, a storm is coming.

We're winning!
The Spanish are losing and drowning.

Huzzah!

- It's because of Queen Elizabeth!
- And that storm!

And that's how I saved England.

Oh, enough, bear.

Good, my men.

That was a great
Renaissance show.

And now it is time for the Ron-aissance.

Like the Rap Room we always do, except...

No, it's like the Rap Room.
What'd you learn?

-Um, both were wrongly imprisoned.
-The justice system is arbitrarily abused

-by those in authority to protect power.
-I know what that means.

I agree with what you said.
Anything else?

Sometimes the world won't accept
new ideas that can make a difference.

Yes, and that means
that 400 years from now,

all my ideas you think are dumb are gonna
be brilliant. Like sandwich slippers.

I can wait.

Hey, pal. You wanna be great,
keep practicing.

Come on.

Galileo, how's it feel that
everyone agrees with you now?

Pretty good. Where were you guys
when I needed you 4 centuries ago?

How's sharing an episode
with Elizabeth?

Intimidating. She's queen of a country.

And with her makeup,
she looks like a ghost.

Anything fans should know?

I named the moons of Jupiter
after friends.

When no one believes you,
you can do that.

Enjoy the show?

- It was wonderful.
- Favorite part?

I enjoyed reliving my victory
over the Spanish armada. I saved England.

It seems the storm

that blew away the Spanish ships
saved England.

- Are you questioning me?
- No, Your Majesty.

I also liked rapping.
Why didn't we have rapping in my time?

Shakespeare invented many words,
yet not rapping?

He's lucky I'm not my father
or I'd cut off his head.

During my house arrest,
I made an accurate clock.

It kept track of when
I could leave my house.

I should've invented a TV.