The White Lotus (2021–2022): Season 2, Episode 2 - Italian Dream - full transcript
- Oh. Buongiorno.
- Sorry?
- Buongiorno.
- Oh, yeah.
Uh, buongiorno.
Honey.
My arm's asleep.
Ethan?
Honey?
You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Buongiorno.
Oh, God.
This is such a beautiful view.
I wonder if anyone's
ever jumped from here.
I'm gonna get a plate.
No idea why I didn't
bring my roller skates.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Uh, can I sit here?
Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
Or there.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm just, um...
It's... My boss is just...
Shoot.
Well, good thing
it wasn't glass.
Yeah.
I only have four hands.
I think they're gonna come
and help you.
- Hi. No worries.
- Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I just... Do you have
any Oreo cookie cake?
Have you noticed that?
Is that cheese, or...
- This is cheese.
- Harper!
Hey!
- It's all right.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Where's your man?
Oh, he wakes up
super early to go running,
so that's what I'm dealing with.
What? Christ, I hate him.
- Got to exercise, you know?
- Dad! Over here.
- I still don't have my clothes.
- Call the airline.
Morning.
- This is my dad, Dominic.
- Hi.
Nonno, you met Portia yesterday.
Hi.
Did I?
Yeah, I, uh,
saw you fall by the pool.
They need
to fill in that grouting.
This is a five-star hotel
and that's a major hazard.
Can we get some menus
and coffee?
Did you not sleep well?
I slept like crap.
I slept fantastic
and I'm completely refreshed.
Uh, no jet lag at all.
Well, Albie told me
you guys are here to learn
- about your Sicilian roots.
- Uh-huh.
Sounds like a fun boys' trip.
Well, wasn't
supposed to be a boys' trip.
I still don't understand
why Abby isn't here.
I definitely explained it
to you.
She's that mad
that she's gonna miss
a once-in-a-lifetime family trip
to Sicily?
She is that mad,
and can we just not?
What?
She's gonna get a divorce?
She can't do that.
Yes, she can.
Why can't she?
Um. Well, what's it been?
Twenty-five years?
I mean...
You can't let her do that.
It's not all up to me, Dad.
You want me to call her? Huh?
I'll talk to her.
I can speak to this.
I don't want you to call her
and that's not gonna help
anything, so...
...please can we just drop it?
My wife passed away last year.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
Well, she was very sick, so...
We were married 53 years.
The love of my life.
Dominic's mother.
An incredible woman.
And there's no way
she would've missed
a family trip to Sicily.
I mean,
I could've done anything.
I could have burned
the house down.
You know what? I think
maybe I will do the buffet.
You kidding me?
This is bullshit.
No, I filled out
your fucking form.
I talked to like three people,
and after all that,
you send it back
to fucking New York?
Cameron has a really long fuse.
But then all of a sudden,
he'll just go crazy.
I mean, he will lose it.
- No. No, no, no, no.
- It's kinda funny.
No.
I don't want a voucher!
I want my fucking clothes!
Does he ever lose it on you?
No. We never fight.
- That's sweet.
- Yeah.
I don't think I've ever met
a couple that doesn't fight.
I mean, what is there
to fight about anyway, right?
Wow.
What'd they say?
They sent my bag
back home to New York.
- Fucking geniuses.
- No.
Okay, well,
at least it's not lost.
We'll get you some new stuff.
It'll be great.
Incompetence,
makes me homicidal.
Hmm.
I was just telling Harper
how we never fight.
Well, you're practically
perfect, so...
And when we disagree,
you just give in, right?
Yes, ma'am.
Happy wife, happy life.
I'm gonna, uh,
take this up...
Back up to my room.
Well, we're
kinda done here, right?
Yeah, we can come with you.
- Great.
- Cool.
Oh, yes.
Mm.
It's our first day in Sicily.
What do you wanna do?
Whatever you want.
I think...
...my fantasy day in Italy is...
Well, first, I wanna look
just like Monica Vitti.
And... and then this man
in a very slim-fitting suit...
...he comes over
and he lights my cigarette.
And it taste really good.
And then takes me for a drive
on his Vespa.
You want me to rent a Vespa?
Then at sunset...
we go down
very close to the sea,
to one of those
really romantic spots.
And then we...
we drink lots of aperitivos,
and we eat big plates of pasta
with giant clams.
And we're just really chic
and happy and... and we're...
...beautiful.
Well, all right.
Sounds good to me.
Really?
Sure. Whatever you want.
It's... it's your day to shine.
So, your employer
doesn't want you around, huh?
Listen. You can't come to Sicily
and just sit in your room.
It's against the law.
I know. I agree. It sucks.
We're walking
to the Greek theater today.
You should come.
No. It's a family trip,
it's your thing.
Not at all. When there's
a young, pretty lady around,
we'll all be better behaved,
cheerier.
Okay. Yes, no.
You... you should come.
- Right?
- Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
Hmm? Say yes.
Yes. I'll come.
All right, well we're gonna go
get him some clothes,
but you wanna meet up
in like two hours?
Yeah, perfect. Just text us.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I can't believe how hot...
Hey. What's going on?
What's with the boner?
Yeah, fair question.
Uh, I was jerking off.
Oh.
Why?
Um, I don't know, endorphins?
You know I sometimes get horny
after I run.
Well, couldn't you
have just waited
till I got back to the room?
I was only gone 15 minutes.
All I had was a croissant.
You don't like morning sex.
What? I'm fine with it.
Are you?
You're not a morning person.
Well, I don't wake up
with a raging hard-on,
that is true.
Look, I just figured
I'd take care of it myself.
Okay?
- Well, did you?
- No, but... but it's fine.
Do you want help?
Now?
Yeah.
No, it... It's okay.
We can do that later.
It's not a big deal.
So, Daphne and Cameron
never fight!
- How do you know?
- Because that's what they said.
If you never fight,
then your relationship
is not real. It's like, yeah,
we fight, we bicker,
but that's because we talk
about everything.
You know? We're honest.
They act like they're
on their honeymoon.
They're all over each other.
But it's bogus. It's not real.
You always do this
with certain people.
It's like you have to find them
deficient in some way,
- compared to you.
- What?
It's like, I don't know,
maybe it's a way of soothing
yourself
when you feel threatened
or something.
I'm not threatened by them.
Like, you never do this
with Carmen.
- Carmen? Our housekeeper?
- You're always like...
"Oh, my God.
I love Carmen. She's so sweet."
She is so sweet.
She's a sweet old lady.
But like,
you're not threatened by her,
so you don't see any
of the other stuff.
Like, she can just be
sweet Carmen,
the sweet old lady.
Everybody compares themselves
to other people, Ethan.
Why are you criticizing me
for doing something
that everyone does?
I'm just pointing out
a personality quirk.
You do it to me all the time.
Why are you threatened by them?
- I'm not.
- Kinda seems like you are.
But it's just, like,
are these the kind of people
we're gonna be hanging out
with now? Like, really?
Like, people
that can only talk about
what five-star hotel
they've stayed at.
Okay, so you're a snob?
What? I'm a snob? They're snobs.
I... I guess we're all snobs
in different ways.
I was just trying to say
that I think we have
a good relationship,
but I won't do that again.
I agree.
Hey, Harper.
I agree, 100 percent.
Everybody does it, Ethan.
I'm sure they're over there
shitting on me right now,
saying I'm a bitch
or... you could do better.
Or whatever.
Ah!
Ah. Vieni, Bella!
- Come to Papa.
- Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
What do you think, huh, baby?
I like it.
Bellissimo!
Bitch, you're fired.
Hmm.
Mia.
You sure you're okay to walk?
Maybe we should get a taxi, Dad.
She said it's only
at the end of the...
Of the corso.
If I'm a cripple,
nobody told me.
Um, you guys, I gotta make
a quick call, all right?
Uh, you wanna keep walking
and I'll just catch up?
Okay. Dad,
it's this way.
Cool.
Oh, Mr. Di Grasso.
- Good Morning.
- Hello.
Uh, I just wanted to inform you
that my good friends here, um...
- Lucia.
- Lucia.
- Mia.
- And Mia.
They're my good friends.
- They are your good friends?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- And they're gonna be visiting me this week.
Uh, a couple of nights maybe,
not exactly sure.
But it seems
like they're having trouble
getting into the hotel.
So if you could just make sure
they get access,
that would be wonderful.
Yeah. Um,
I'm afraid I will need to add
their names on your room,
as we only allow
our guests into the hotel.
Oh.
Um, well, all right.
Let's do that then.
Add both their names
to your room?
Sure.
Um, I'm afraid
there is a little issue
because your room
was booked only for two guests.
And if you are three,
this is going to be
an extra charge.
Really?
Sorry about that.
We'd also have to charge
for setting up the extra bed.
No, we don't need an extra bed.
Are you going to sleep
all in the same bed?
No... no.
They'll be coming and going.
You see, they're locals.
They're my local friends.
Oh. They come and go. I see.
Okay, how about this?
Why don't you, uh, put Lucia
on my room and add...
- Mia.
- ...Mia to my father's room?
So she will be sleeping
with your father.
No.
She's not staying anywhere.
She's not staying anywhere.
They're just gonna be
visiting me
and I'm hoping
you're gonna let them in.
It's not that complicated,
is it?
- It's not.
- No.
Okay.
Yes, I will add their names.
- So we're good?
- Yes.
- Thank you.
- We welcome them.
Thank you.
- Okay, um...
- Grazie.
Grazie.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Uh, uh, yes. Okay. Listen.
Please don't make me
regret this.
- Okay?
- No. Yes.
Um, you charge some food,
charge a little vino,
but don't go crazy.
No, no, no. We...
We will don't go crazy.
The other thing is,
I'm here with my father
and my son, so I can't really
be seen with you.
- You understand that?
- Yes, I understand.
I'll see you tonight.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Grazie.
- Prego.
Venice is unbelievable.
We love Venice.
And the hotels!
Cam really likes the Cipriani.
- Love it.
- Because of the boat ride
through the lagoon into town.
So cool.
I mean, that's living, honey.
- That is living.
- It is, yes. But.
You have to go
and you have to stay
at the Aman.
Trust me.
I cried when I saw the view
from our room.
- Hmm.
- And a princess lives there.
It's somebody's house!
It's wild, though.
These European aristocrats,
- they have no money.
- Yeah.
Like, I shit you not.
They have all these palazzos,
- and they got no cash.
- Uh-huh.
And they're so rude.
Oh, my God,
are they rude.
- Yeah.
- We could buy their palazzo,
and they'd treat us like we're,
you know...
- Like bugs.
- Yeah.
- Like disgusting bugs.
- Yeah.
- That's funny.
- Yeah.
Okay, so, you didn't go
to Venice on your honeymoon.
- Where did you go?
- Yeah.
We went to Puerto Rico.
Harper has, like,
half her family out there, so...
That's right. Yeah, of course.
I remember
you're half Puerto Rican.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
How is Puerto Rico?
- It's awesome.
- Beautiful.
Yeah? That's cool.
- We should... we should go.
- Yes.
- I mean, we should totally go.
- Mm-hmm.
It's never really been
on our radar.
- But we should check it out if you guys...
- No. Yeah.
- ...say it's great. Yeah.
- Yeah, you should.
And it's, um,
it's a part of America,
- but it's not a s... state.
- Right.
'Cause it's, um...
- It's a territory.
- Yes!
- Exactly. It's a territory. Duh.
- Territory.
You should go.
If you ever wanna go,
you could stay with my family
in San Juan.
Yeah, we would love that.
That's so nice.
I'm gonna get sick.
You know what?
You need to be in the photo.
- No, I don't.
- You do.
- Yeah, get in the photo.
- I don't need to be in the picture. Let's just go.
You're never
in a cute little suit like that,
you're always in your underwear.
- Hey.
- Yes?
- Hello.
- Hi.
Yeah, could you take
a photo of us...
- Yes.
- ...on the Vespa?
- For sure.
- Thank you.
- You look so pink.
- Here.
Guess who I am?
- Uh...
- Watch, watch.
Peppa Pig.
I'm Monica Vitti.
Monica Vitti's dead, but yes.
Oh, wait. Wait.
One more with my mouth shut.
- Very sexy. Brava.
- Mm.
Brava, Monica.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Uh...
Are you sure
you don't need a car?
No, this is...
This is the Italian dream.
Yes, but, uh,
the road can be really tricky.
- Yeah, but we...
- And you know, Sicilian drivers...
Is this the, uh,
normal size of a Vespa?
Yes. Vespa, normal size. Yes.
Uh-oh.
- All right.
- Oh, my God.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
- Jet skis?
- Oh.
Oh, that's awesome.
We gotta do that, huh?
Daph, come on,
take them down the coast?
Ooh. No thanks.
Oh.
E-man, what about you?
You'd be up for that?
I don't know, maybe.
Yeah, I guess.
You gotta have motor skills
for something like that.
What's that supposed to mean?
I'm kidding, man,
I'm kidding. So...
Little elephant in the room,
how do you guys like being rich?
- Oh, Cameron. God.
- What? Come on.
Major windfall, right?
I mean, nothing much
has changed, to be honest.
Nice to be able to help people,
I guess.
- Yeah. Right.
- Yeah.
And helping Harper's parents,
my sister.
Yeah, we're not
very materialistic, so it's...
- Oh, yeah?
- Harper's thinking
of starting
a little foundation, actually.
Nice.
Yeah, I'm working
with the Hispanic Federation.
Great.
Yeah, we're involved
in a lot of charities.
- Right, Daph?
- Mm-hmm.
You know, sometimes
if I've had too much to drink,
I wake up the next day
and I realize
- I've spent a lot of money.
- Yeah.
- Like, a lot of money.
- Like, all the money.
If I have had wine
and I'm scrolling
and I see anything
with like neglected children
or babies or abused animals,
it's like, I can't.
I mean, people
are just so fucked up.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we're not
just materialistic pigs.
Despite what you might think.
I don't... I don't think that.
No, I...
...I don't think that.
I'm gonna go for a swim.
Have fun.
Something I said?
I'm gonna go for a swim.
Oh, my God.
What a view.
I think I'll sit down.
Oh.
- Ah!
- You okay, Bert?
- Want some of my water?
- Oh.
It was a long walk, Dad.
You did great.
Mm.
That is lava,
it's erupting.
Portia, Nonno.
- Her name's Portia.
- Cara's my granddaughter.
- Hmm.
- Who should be here.
Why isn't she here?
Dad, how many times
do we have to go over this?
Well, she's my granddaughter
and I wanted her here.
It hurts my feelings.
Well, you can tell her
your feelings
next time you see her.
What did you do anyway?
What is so bad that you did?
- Fuck.
- Nonno, come on.
Fine.
We're in Sicily.
Isn't this incredible?
It... it's so old.
It is pretty crazy
to wrap your head around.
You know, Hades raped Persephone
right here in Sicily.
She was picking flowers
and he burst through the earth
- and he raped her.
- Okay, Nonno.
Well, that's what happened.
He raped her.
Then, he dragged her down
to the underworld.
Hmm. I didn't know that.
Demeter forgave Hades,
and he raped her daughter!
I mean, whatever you've done
can't be as bad as that.
As Hades. And the raping.
Had to do it. Sorry.
I thought you were a shark.
Hey, sorry about before,
you know?
I didn't mean
to make you feel uncomfortable,
I just...
I feel like I keep saying
the wrong thing, you know?
I feel like you don't like me.
I like you. What?
Well, it's just important,
I want you to like us.
I want you to like me.
I like you both.
Yeah. Definitely.
Good.
All right, I'll leave you to it.
Tanya.
Oh, my God.
Release your grip a little bit.
Tanya.
- Yeah?
- I can't breathe.
We're in like...
In a James Bond movie.
You're gonna make us crash.
Lucia.
Tanya, what are you doing?
I got a bug.
Careful.
It's fluttering around in there.
You're gonna make us crash.
Be careful. Be careful!
Tanya!
Tanya. Hold on.
Oh!
Okay.
Um...
- Grazie.
- Di niente.
Mm.
Ciao.
Ciao.
Mm-hmm.
Uh...
Brava! Brava, Mia!
Bravissima!
I think
the restaurant's... here.
- This is the spot.
- Right here.
Ciao.
- I can get that for you.
- Thanks.
Oh, my God.
What?
Do you wanna leave?
Should we go?
Oh, there, let me do it.
There we are. There it is.
Okay, thank you.
Okay.
I have to eat.
You know, like I...
- Yeah.
- I don't know what she... Ugh.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Um, but we can just ignore it.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
- Yeah. Maybe we could
just get a glass of wine, just...
Yeah, let's get a drink.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Why isn't she responding to me?
It's not like my mom.
Come on, babe. They're...
They're fine, all right?
Relax. Put your phone down.
Drink your wine.
You're right. Okay.
They're fine.
How about you guys?
Do you wanna have kids?
Uh...
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- We weren't sure for a while.
- Yeah. We've debated it a lot.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
Yeah, you know, just bringing
a kid into the world right now,
everything going on...
Never mind.
But we decided that we want to,
so we've been trying.
- Cool.
- Not that hard.
How long have you been trying?
Oh, I don't know. Not that long.
Problem is I'm more
of a morning sex guy
and Harper
is not a morning person.
- Hmm.
- She's a night person.
But by then with work and stuff,
I'm always fried. So...
- Yeah, makes sense.
- Yeah.
What? Is that not right?
So what you're saying is,
you don't have sex.
No, we have s...
We're good. We're...
- Never have sex.
- We... we have sex.
- Oh.
- No, the sex is amazing.
- Oh. Gotcha.
- Uh-huh.
You know, just not gotten
pregnant yet, is all.
I think it's...
hard to sync up sometimes,
you know?
Yeah.
Especially with kids. I mean,
it just gets worse.
I love my kids
but it's, you know,
it's very stressful for me.
Not for him, but for me.
What? You kidding me?
The last one almost killed me.
Cameron,
it didn't almost kill you,
it almost killed me.
Well,
it was a fucking nightmare.
Yeah, it was. I had to have
an emergency cesarean.
They induced me
and then suddenly
they couldn't find
the baby's heartbeat. So...
I walk into the room and then...
...Daphne's guts are all over
the table, you know?
And... and they're looking
for the baby,
like Daphne looks for something
in her fucking purse and...
- Her face.
- The...
...look on her face.
It's in those moments
you realize just how much
you love somebody, you know?
I love you. Sweet baby.
- Anyway.
- Yeah, anyway.
- Change the subject.
- Everything turned out great.
Yeah.
Your mistake was being sloppy.
What are we talking about?
That's what's unforgivable.
A man does what he has to do.
But you keep it tight.
If you're sloppy,
it's like you're rubbing
her face in it. Bad form.
Thanks for the tip.
You know, I don't think
you were as discreet
as you think you were
regarding your own affairs.
Affairs. They weren't affairs,
they were nothing.
They were peccadilloes.
Peccadilloes?
Fix it.
I don't know if I can.
Of course you can.
Just get your act together.
My dad, uh, has cheated
on my mom a lot.
- Mm-hmm.
- And he just got caught again.
Yeah. But that's why my mom
and sister aren't here.
They're really pissed.
Are you pissed?
Um...
yeah.
But I'm the peacemaker, so...
Oh.
So you're like
the nice one in the family.
That's sweet.
Are you like that in, um,
relationships and stuff?
Like, are you the "nice guy"?
Yeah. I try to be. Um...
Girls always complain
that guys aren't nice,
but then if they find
a nice guy,
they're not always interested.
- Hmm.
- But...
I just don't wanna be
like my dad.
You know?
I... I refuse to have
a bad relationship with women.
Yeah.
I just wanna have fun.
Hmm.
Like, I just wanna...
I don't know, feel, like,
fulfilled and have an adventure,
and, like,
I'm sick of fucking TikTok
and... and Bumble,
and just... screens and apps
and sitting there
binging Netflix.
And I just... I just wanna,
like, live.
I just wanna live my life,
so badly.
I just feel like I just wanna
meet someone who's like,
you know, totally ignorant of...
the discourse.
You know?
Right. Right. Like...
Like someone
who lives in a cave.
Like a caveman.
Yeah, uh, yeah, I would date
a caveman at this point. Yeah.
I mean...
...I think you could aim higher.
Honestly, I think you can
do better than a caveman.
I think I just need to...
I don't know, like, up my meds
or something.
Anyways, um, what about you?
What kind of girl or person
do you wanna, you know,
be in a relationship with
or see yourself with or...
Um...
I seem to be attracted
to pretty...
wounded birds.
Got my pasta vongole
with giant clams.
And then a Vespa ride with you.
You're wearing the shirt
that I gave you.
You made my Italian dream
come true.
Thank you very much.
I feel like Monica Vitti.
I really do.
I wanted you to have
a perfect day.
Before I told you the news.
What news?
I have to fly
to Denver tomorrow.
What?
It's just for like two,
three days.
We're only here for a week. Why?
They're trying to slash
our budget.
I have to go out there
and have a showdown
with these fuckers,
and it's just bad timing.
Yeah. But, I mean,
couldn't someone else do it?
You're on vacation.
Yeah. You insisted
that we come to Sicily
and have this romantic week.
And then you... you freaked out
when I showed up with Portia.
But thank God,
she's here, you know,
because otherwise I'd be...
I'd be entirely alone.
Tanya, I didn't want this.
Well, can't you just quit
the Bureau of Land Management
bullshit, whatever it is?
I can't quit.
I can't afford to quit.
You made me sign a prenup.
What if we don't work out?
If we don't work out,
what am I supposed to do
without a job?
- We're gonna work out, Greg.
- How do I know?
You change your mind
about everything constantly.
You... you...
You drop your friends.
You fire people on a dime.
I mean, you've been through...
How many fucking assistants
have you been through?
You just discard people.
- You hate me, don't you?
- Shut up. I do not.
- No, you do.
- No, I don't.
No, I think you do.
You know what?
I'm paying attention.
- Stop. I get it.
- I am paying attention.
- I can tell you don't like me.
- It's two days.
Let's not just go into one
of these big dramas again, okay?
Fuck it, you're not coming back
in two days. You know what?
You're just...
You're a full-of-shit man.
You're very insincere.
And I can just tell.
You know what? You never look me
in the eye, ever.
Guess what? I'm telling you
in your eye,
you're a piece of shit.
I hate you.
Come on, Tanya. Tanya!
It's always something with them.
- Uh, this is my room.
- Oh.
Please don't repeat
any of the shit that I told you
about my boss
and her husband and stuff,
because I actually
did sign an NDA
and I'm kinda paranoid about it.
Yeah, I'm gonna tell
everyone I know.
No, I'm just kidding.
I... Yeah, of course,
I would never do that.
Yeah, it'd be ridiculous
if she actually sued me,
'cause all I have is my laptop
and she has
half a billion dollars.
Her dad was this big,
like, shipping magnate guy
and owned like half
of San Francisco.
And... and I don't think
he molested her,
but he was definitely
very pervy and inappropriate
and then it was kind of sad.
He actually ended up
committing suicide and...
and I'm not supposed to be
telling you that either.
Um...
can I kiss you?
Oh. Um...
sure.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
Okay.
Um, I guess...
let's hang out tomorrow.
Okay.
Um, good night. Yeah. I had fun.
Fun. Great. Okay.
Good night.
Good night.
I'm sorry.
- For what?
- For being a shrew.
I feel like I'm ruining
this trip for everybody.
- No, you're not.
- I just...
I don't know what my problem is.
I just feel like...
I feel like we're LARPing
as rich people.
We're not LARPing.
How... how are we LARPing?
And I don't know, I guess,
I just don't want him
rubbing off on you.
You know, and I don't like
the way he alpha dogs you.
He doesn't alpha dog me.
I mean, he kind of used to,
I guess,
but... it's different now.
Oh, my God,
is that why we're here?
So you can rub your success
in his face?
No.
So you can finally win
the arm wrestling contest.
No. There is no contest.
Well, whatever. From now on,
I am going to be...
...so fun. Okay?
- I promise.
- Okay.
I love you.
I love you.
Do you wanna suck on my tits
or jerk off on my face
or something? Fuck around?
I'm kinda beat.
Yeah, okay.
Ugh. She sucks.
Why would he marry her?
- She's pretty.
- Yeah, I guess.
But she's such a pill.
You know, I think some women
cut off their husband's balls
and then they wonder
why they're not attracted
to them anymore.
Yeah. Don't you cut
my balls off, baby.
I won't.
That's all I got, sugarplum.
- But you know what?
- What?
- If I wanted to...
- Uh-huh.
...I could.
Buonasera!
Hello.
We had a great day.
We drank by the pool,
we had dinner,
and I just wanted to thank you.
You're very welcome.
Um, but listen...
I'm having like
a guilty conscience
kind of feeling, you know.
I'm... I'm just not feeling great
about this. Uh, you're lovely.
You don't want me to come in?
Oh, I really do.
You have no idea.
I have a problem
with sexual addiction
and compulsion.
It's a... it's a real issue.
And, uh...
I... I really need
to get a handle on it,
like, quickly, if I'm gonna turn
my situation around.
You understand?
I have my friend here,
and she wants to thank you, too.
- Ciao.
- Hi.
Thank you for my bikini.
You're welcome.
Sure you don't want us
to come in?
Jeez.
You're making this very hard.
Please.
Oh, Lord.
- Mm.
- Um...
Michele...
Do you like vodka?
Mia, get the vodka.
Mm-hmm.
Greg?
Greg?
Yeah, she's clueless as usual.
I'll be home tomorrow,
give you a call when I get in.
All right, yeah, I love you too.
And I look forward to it.
- Sorry?
- Buongiorno.
- Oh, yeah.
Uh, buongiorno.
Honey.
My arm's asleep.
Ethan?
Honey?
You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Buongiorno.
Oh, God.
This is such a beautiful view.
I wonder if anyone's
ever jumped from here.
I'm gonna get a plate.
No idea why I didn't
bring my roller skates.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Uh, can I sit here?
Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.
Or there.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm just, um...
It's... My boss is just...
Shoot.
Well, good thing
it wasn't glass.
Yeah.
I only have four hands.
I think they're gonna come
and help you.
- Hi. No worries.
- Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I just... Do you have
any Oreo cookie cake?
Have you noticed that?
Is that cheese, or...
- This is cheese.
- Harper!
Hey!
- It's all right.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Where's your man?
Oh, he wakes up
super early to go running,
so that's what I'm dealing with.
What? Christ, I hate him.
- Got to exercise, you know?
- Dad! Over here.
- I still don't have my clothes.
- Call the airline.
Morning.
- This is my dad, Dominic.
- Hi.
Nonno, you met Portia yesterday.
Hi.
Did I?
Yeah, I, uh,
saw you fall by the pool.
They need
to fill in that grouting.
This is a five-star hotel
and that's a major hazard.
Can we get some menus
and coffee?
Did you not sleep well?
I slept like crap.
I slept fantastic
and I'm completely refreshed.
Uh, no jet lag at all.
Well, Albie told me
you guys are here to learn
- about your Sicilian roots.
- Uh-huh.
Sounds like a fun boys' trip.
Well, wasn't
supposed to be a boys' trip.
I still don't understand
why Abby isn't here.
I definitely explained it
to you.
She's that mad
that she's gonna miss
a once-in-a-lifetime family trip
to Sicily?
She is that mad,
and can we just not?
What?
She's gonna get a divorce?
She can't do that.
Yes, she can.
Why can't she?
Um. Well, what's it been?
Twenty-five years?
I mean...
You can't let her do that.
It's not all up to me, Dad.
You want me to call her? Huh?
I'll talk to her.
I can speak to this.
I don't want you to call her
and that's not gonna help
anything, so...
...please can we just drop it?
My wife passed away last year.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
Well, she was very sick, so...
We were married 53 years.
The love of my life.
Dominic's mother.
An incredible woman.
And there's no way
she would've missed
a family trip to Sicily.
I mean,
I could've done anything.
I could have burned
the house down.
You know what? I think
maybe I will do the buffet.
You kidding me?
This is bullshit.
No, I filled out
your fucking form.
I talked to like three people,
and after all that,
you send it back
to fucking New York?
Cameron has a really long fuse.
But then all of a sudden,
he'll just go crazy.
I mean, he will lose it.
- No. No, no, no, no.
- It's kinda funny.
No.
I don't want a voucher!
I want my fucking clothes!
Does he ever lose it on you?
No. We never fight.
- That's sweet.
- Yeah.
I don't think I've ever met
a couple that doesn't fight.
I mean, what is there
to fight about anyway, right?
Wow.
What'd they say?
They sent my bag
back home to New York.
- Fucking geniuses.
- No.
Okay, well,
at least it's not lost.
We'll get you some new stuff.
It'll be great.
Incompetence,
makes me homicidal.
Hmm.
I was just telling Harper
how we never fight.
Well, you're practically
perfect, so...
And when we disagree,
you just give in, right?
Yes, ma'am.
Happy wife, happy life.
I'm gonna, uh,
take this up...
Back up to my room.
Well, we're
kinda done here, right?
Yeah, we can come with you.
- Great.
- Cool.
Oh, yes.
Mm.
It's our first day in Sicily.
What do you wanna do?
Whatever you want.
I think...
...my fantasy day in Italy is...
Well, first, I wanna look
just like Monica Vitti.
And... and then this man
in a very slim-fitting suit...
...he comes over
and he lights my cigarette.
And it taste really good.
And then takes me for a drive
on his Vespa.
You want me to rent a Vespa?
Then at sunset...
we go down
very close to the sea,
to one of those
really romantic spots.
And then we...
we drink lots of aperitivos,
and we eat big plates of pasta
with giant clams.
And we're just really chic
and happy and... and we're...
...beautiful.
Well, all right.
Sounds good to me.
Really?
Sure. Whatever you want.
It's... it's your day to shine.
So, your employer
doesn't want you around, huh?
Listen. You can't come to Sicily
and just sit in your room.
It's against the law.
I know. I agree. It sucks.
We're walking
to the Greek theater today.
You should come.
No. It's a family trip,
it's your thing.
Not at all. When there's
a young, pretty lady around,
we'll all be better behaved,
cheerier.
Okay. Yes, no.
You... you should come.
- Right?
- Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
Hmm? Say yes.
Yes. I'll come.
All right, well we're gonna go
get him some clothes,
but you wanna meet up
in like two hours?
Yeah, perfect. Just text us.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I can't believe how hot...
Hey. What's going on?
What's with the boner?
Yeah, fair question.
Uh, I was jerking off.
Oh.
Why?
Um, I don't know, endorphins?
You know I sometimes get horny
after I run.
Well, couldn't you
have just waited
till I got back to the room?
I was only gone 15 minutes.
All I had was a croissant.
You don't like morning sex.
What? I'm fine with it.
Are you?
You're not a morning person.
Well, I don't wake up
with a raging hard-on,
that is true.
Look, I just figured
I'd take care of it myself.
Okay?
- Well, did you?
- No, but... but it's fine.
Do you want help?
Now?
Yeah.
No, it... It's okay.
We can do that later.
It's not a big deal.
So, Daphne and Cameron
never fight!
- How do you know?
- Because that's what they said.
If you never fight,
then your relationship
is not real. It's like, yeah,
we fight, we bicker,
but that's because we talk
about everything.
You know? We're honest.
They act like they're
on their honeymoon.
They're all over each other.
But it's bogus. It's not real.
You always do this
with certain people.
It's like you have to find them
deficient in some way,
- compared to you.
- What?
It's like, I don't know,
maybe it's a way of soothing
yourself
when you feel threatened
or something.
I'm not threatened by them.
Like, you never do this
with Carmen.
- Carmen? Our housekeeper?
- You're always like...
"Oh, my God.
I love Carmen. She's so sweet."
She is so sweet.
She's a sweet old lady.
But like,
you're not threatened by her,
so you don't see any
of the other stuff.
Like, she can just be
sweet Carmen,
the sweet old lady.
Everybody compares themselves
to other people, Ethan.
Why are you criticizing me
for doing something
that everyone does?
I'm just pointing out
a personality quirk.
You do it to me all the time.
Why are you threatened by them?
- I'm not.
- Kinda seems like you are.
But it's just, like,
are these the kind of people
we're gonna be hanging out
with now? Like, really?
Like, people
that can only talk about
what five-star hotel
they've stayed at.
Okay, so you're a snob?
What? I'm a snob? They're snobs.
I... I guess we're all snobs
in different ways.
I was just trying to say
that I think we have
a good relationship,
but I won't do that again.
I agree.
Hey, Harper.
I agree, 100 percent.
Everybody does it, Ethan.
I'm sure they're over there
shitting on me right now,
saying I'm a bitch
or... you could do better.
Or whatever.
Ah!
Ah. Vieni, Bella!
- Come to Papa.
- Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
What do you think, huh, baby?
I like it.
Bellissimo!
Bitch, you're fired.
Hmm.
Mia.
You sure you're okay to walk?
Maybe we should get a taxi, Dad.
She said it's only
at the end of the...
Of the corso.
If I'm a cripple,
nobody told me.
Um, you guys, I gotta make
a quick call, all right?
Uh, you wanna keep walking
and I'll just catch up?
Okay. Dad,
it's this way.
Cool.
Oh, Mr. Di Grasso.
- Good Morning.
- Hello.
Uh, I just wanted to inform you
that my good friends here, um...
- Lucia.
- Lucia.
- Mia.
- And Mia.
They're my good friends.
- They are your good friends?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- And they're gonna be visiting me this week.
Uh, a couple of nights maybe,
not exactly sure.
But it seems
like they're having trouble
getting into the hotel.
So if you could just make sure
they get access,
that would be wonderful.
Yeah. Um,
I'm afraid I will need to add
their names on your room,
as we only allow
our guests into the hotel.
Oh.
Um, well, all right.
Let's do that then.
Add both their names
to your room?
Sure.
Um, I'm afraid
there is a little issue
because your room
was booked only for two guests.
And if you are three,
this is going to be
an extra charge.
Really?
Sorry about that.
We'd also have to charge
for setting up the extra bed.
No, we don't need an extra bed.
Are you going to sleep
all in the same bed?
No... no.
They'll be coming and going.
You see, they're locals.
They're my local friends.
Oh. They come and go. I see.
Okay, how about this?
Why don't you, uh, put Lucia
on my room and add...
- Mia.
- ...Mia to my father's room?
So she will be sleeping
with your father.
No.
She's not staying anywhere.
She's not staying anywhere.
They're just gonna be
visiting me
and I'm hoping
you're gonna let them in.
It's not that complicated,
is it?
- It's not.
- No.
Okay.
Yes, I will add their names.
- So we're good?
- Yes.
- Thank you.
- We welcome them.
Thank you.
- Okay, um...
- Grazie.
Grazie.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Uh, uh, yes. Okay. Listen.
Please don't make me
regret this.
- Okay?
- No. Yes.
Um, you charge some food,
charge a little vino,
but don't go crazy.
No, no, no. We...
We will don't go crazy.
The other thing is,
I'm here with my father
and my son, so I can't really
be seen with you.
- You understand that?
- Yes, I understand.
I'll see you tonight.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Grazie.
- Prego.
Venice is unbelievable.
We love Venice.
And the hotels!
Cam really likes the Cipriani.
- Love it.
- Because of the boat ride
through the lagoon into town.
So cool.
I mean, that's living, honey.
- That is living.
- It is, yes. But.
You have to go
and you have to stay
at the Aman.
Trust me.
I cried when I saw the view
from our room.
- Hmm.
- And a princess lives there.
It's somebody's house!
It's wild, though.
These European aristocrats,
- they have no money.
- Yeah.
Like, I shit you not.
They have all these palazzos,
- and they got no cash.
- Uh-huh.
And they're so rude.
Oh, my God,
are they rude.
- Yeah.
- We could buy their palazzo,
and they'd treat us like we're,
you know...
- Like bugs.
- Yeah.
- Like disgusting bugs.
- Yeah.
- That's funny.
- Yeah.
Okay, so, you didn't go
to Venice on your honeymoon.
- Where did you go?
- Yeah.
We went to Puerto Rico.
Harper has, like,
half her family out there, so...
That's right. Yeah, of course.
I remember
you're half Puerto Rican.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
How is Puerto Rico?
- It's awesome.
- Beautiful.
Yeah? That's cool.
- We should... we should go.
- Yes.
- I mean, we should totally go.
- Mm-hmm.
It's never really been
on our radar.
- But we should check it out if you guys...
- No. Yeah.
- ...say it's great. Yeah.
- Yeah, you should.
And it's, um,
it's a part of America,
- but it's not a s... state.
- Right.
'Cause it's, um...
- It's a territory.
- Yes!
- Exactly. It's a territory. Duh.
- Territory.
You should go.
If you ever wanna go,
you could stay with my family
in San Juan.
Yeah, we would love that.
That's so nice.
I'm gonna get sick.
You know what?
You need to be in the photo.
- No, I don't.
- You do.
- Yeah, get in the photo.
- I don't need to be in the picture. Let's just go.
You're never
in a cute little suit like that,
you're always in your underwear.
- Hey.
- Yes?
- Hello.
- Hi.
Yeah, could you take
a photo of us...
- Yes.
- ...on the Vespa?
- For sure.
- Thank you.
- You look so pink.
- Here.
Guess who I am?
- Uh...
- Watch, watch.
Peppa Pig.
I'm Monica Vitti.
Monica Vitti's dead, but yes.
Oh, wait. Wait.
One more with my mouth shut.
- Very sexy. Brava.
- Mm.
Brava, Monica.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Uh...
Are you sure
you don't need a car?
No, this is...
This is the Italian dream.
Yes, but, uh,
the road can be really tricky.
- Yeah, but we...
- And you know, Sicilian drivers...
Is this the, uh,
normal size of a Vespa?
Yes. Vespa, normal size. Yes.
Uh-oh.
- All right.
- Oh, my God.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
- Jet skis?
- Oh.
Oh, that's awesome.
We gotta do that, huh?
Daph, come on,
take them down the coast?
Ooh. No thanks.
Oh.
E-man, what about you?
You'd be up for that?
I don't know, maybe.
Yeah, I guess.
You gotta have motor skills
for something like that.
What's that supposed to mean?
I'm kidding, man,
I'm kidding. So...
Little elephant in the room,
how do you guys like being rich?
- Oh, Cameron. God.
- What? Come on.
Major windfall, right?
I mean, nothing much
has changed, to be honest.
Nice to be able to help people,
I guess.
- Yeah. Right.
- Yeah.
And helping Harper's parents,
my sister.
Yeah, we're not
very materialistic, so it's...
- Oh, yeah?
- Harper's thinking
of starting
a little foundation, actually.
Nice.
Yeah, I'm working
with the Hispanic Federation.
Great.
Yeah, we're involved
in a lot of charities.
- Right, Daph?
- Mm-hmm.
You know, sometimes
if I've had too much to drink,
I wake up the next day
and I realize
- I've spent a lot of money.
- Yeah.
- Like, a lot of money.
- Like, all the money.
If I have had wine
and I'm scrolling
and I see anything
with like neglected children
or babies or abused animals,
it's like, I can't.
I mean, people
are just so fucked up.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we're not
just materialistic pigs.
Despite what you might think.
I don't... I don't think that.
No, I...
...I don't think that.
I'm gonna go for a swim.
Have fun.
Something I said?
I'm gonna go for a swim.
Oh, my God.
What a view.
I think I'll sit down.
Oh.
- Ah!
- You okay, Bert?
- Want some of my water?
- Oh.
It was a long walk, Dad.
You did great.
Mm.
That is lava,
it's erupting.
Portia, Nonno.
- Her name's Portia.
- Cara's my granddaughter.
- Hmm.
- Who should be here.
Why isn't she here?
Dad, how many times
do we have to go over this?
Well, she's my granddaughter
and I wanted her here.
It hurts my feelings.
Well, you can tell her
your feelings
next time you see her.
What did you do anyway?
What is so bad that you did?
- Fuck.
- Nonno, come on.
Fine.
We're in Sicily.
Isn't this incredible?
It... it's so old.
It is pretty crazy
to wrap your head around.
You know, Hades raped Persephone
right here in Sicily.
She was picking flowers
and he burst through the earth
- and he raped her.
- Okay, Nonno.
Well, that's what happened.
He raped her.
Then, he dragged her down
to the underworld.
Hmm. I didn't know that.
Demeter forgave Hades,
and he raped her daughter!
I mean, whatever you've done
can't be as bad as that.
As Hades. And the raping.
Had to do it. Sorry.
I thought you were a shark.
Hey, sorry about before,
you know?
I didn't mean
to make you feel uncomfortable,
I just...
I feel like I keep saying
the wrong thing, you know?
I feel like you don't like me.
I like you. What?
Well, it's just important,
I want you to like us.
I want you to like me.
I like you both.
Yeah. Definitely.
Good.
All right, I'll leave you to it.
Tanya.
Oh, my God.
Release your grip a little bit.
Tanya.
- Yeah?
- I can't breathe.
We're in like...
In a James Bond movie.
You're gonna make us crash.
Lucia.
Tanya, what are you doing?
I got a bug.
Careful.
It's fluttering around in there.
You're gonna make us crash.
Be careful. Be careful!
Tanya!
Tanya. Hold on.
Oh!
Okay.
Um...
- Grazie.
- Di niente.
Mm.
Ciao.
Ciao.
Mm-hmm.
Uh...
Brava! Brava, Mia!
Bravissima!
I think
the restaurant's... here.
- This is the spot.
- Right here.
Ciao.
- I can get that for you.
- Thanks.
Oh, my God.
What?
Do you wanna leave?
Should we go?
Oh, there, let me do it.
There we are. There it is.
Okay, thank you.
Okay.
I have to eat.
You know, like I...
- Yeah.
- I don't know what she... Ugh.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Um, but we can just ignore it.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
- Yeah. Maybe we could
just get a glass of wine, just...
Yeah, let's get a drink.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Why isn't she responding to me?
It's not like my mom.
Come on, babe. They're...
They're fine, all right?
Relax. Put your phone down.
Drink your wine.
You're right. Okay.
They're fine.
How about you guys?
Do you wanna have kids?
Uh...
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- We weren't sure for a while.
- Yeah. We've debated it a lot.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
Yeah, you know, just bringing
a kid into the world right now,
everything going on...
Never mind.
But we decided that we want to,
so we've been trying.
- Cool.
- Not that hard.
How long have you been trying?
Oh, I don't know. Not that long.
Problem is I'm more
of a morning sex guy
and Harper
is not a morning person.
- Hmm.
- She's a night person.
But by then with work and stuff,
I'm always fried. So...
- Yeah, makes sense.
- Yeah.
What? Is that not right?
So what you're saying is,
you don't have sex.
No, we have s...
We're good. We're...
- Never have sex.
- We... we have sex.
- Oh.
- No, the sex is amazing.
- Oh. Gotcha.
- Uh-huh.
You know, just not gotten
pregnant yet, is all.
I think it's...
hard to sync up sometimes,
you know?
Yeah.
Especially with kids. I mean,
it just gets worse.
I love my kids
but it's, you know,
it's very stressful for me.
Not for him, but for me.
What? You kidding me?
The last one almost killed me.
Cameron,
it didn't almost kill you,
it almost killed me.
Well,
it was a fucking nightmare.
Yeah, it was. I had to have
an emergency cesarean.
They induced me
and then suddenly
they couldn't find
the baby's heartbeat. So...
I walk into the room and then...
...Daphne's guts are all over
the table, you know?
And... and they're looking
for the baby,
like Daphne looks for something
in her fucking purse and...
- Her face.
- The...
...look on her face.
It's in those moments
you realize just how much
you love somebody, you know?
I love you. Sweet baby.
- Anyway.
- Yeah, anyway.
- Change the subject.
- Everything turned out great.
Yeah.
Your mistake was being sloppy.
What are we talking about?
That's what's unforgivable.
A man does what he has to do.
But you keep it tight.
If you're sloppy,
it's like you're rubbing
her face in it. Bad form.
Thanks for the tip.
You know, I don't think
you were as discreet
as you think you were
regarding your own affairs.
Affairs. They weren't affairs,
they were nothing.
They were peccadilloes.
Peccadilloes?
Fix it.
I don't know if I can.
Of course you can.
Just get your act together.
My dad, uh, has cheated
on my mom a lot.
- Mm-hmm.
- And he just got caught again.
Yeah. But that's why my mom
and sister aren't here.
They're really pissed.
Are you pissed?
Um...
yeah.
But I'm the peacemaker, so...
Oh.
So you're like
the nice one in the family.
That's sweet.
Are you like that in, um,
relationships and stuff?
Like, are you the "nice guy"?
Yeah. I try to be. Um...
Girls always complain
that guys aren't nice,
but then if they find
a nice guy,
they're not always interested.
- Hmm.
- But...
I just don't wanna be
like my dad.
You know?
I... I refuse to have
a bad relationship with women.
Yeah.
I just wanna have fun.
Hmm.
Like, I just wanna...
I don't know, feel, like,
fulfilled and have an adventure,
and, like,
I'm sick of fucking TikTok
and... and Bumble,
and just... screens and apps
and sitting there
binging Netflix.
And I just... I just wanna,
like, live.
I just wanna live my life,
so badly.
I just feel like I just wanna
meet someone who's like,
you know, totally ignorant of...
the discourse.
You know?
Right. Right. Like...
Like someone
who lives in a cave.
Like a caveman.
Yeah, uh, yeah, I would date
a caveman at this point. Yeah.
I mean...
...I think you could aim higher.
Honestly, I think you can
do better than a caveman.
I think I just need to...
I don't know, like, up my meds
or something.
Anyways, um, what about you?
What kind of girl or person
do you wanna, you know,
be in a relationship with
or see yourself with or...
Um...
I seem to be attracted
to pretty...
wounded birds.
Got my pasta vongole
with giant clams.
And then a Vespa ride with you.
You're wearing the shirt
that I gave you.
You made my Italian dream
come true.
Thank you very much.
I feel like Monica Vitti.
I really do.
I wanted you to have
a perfect day.
Before I told you the news.
What news?
I have to fly
to Denver tomorrow.
What?
It's just for like two,
three days.
We're only here for a week. Why?
They're trying to slash
our budget.
I have to go out there
and have a showdown
with these fuckers,
and it's just bad timing.
Yeah. But, I mean,
couldn't someone else do it?
You're on vacation.
Yeah. You insisted
that we come to Sicily
and have this romantic week.
And then you... you freaked out
when I showed up with Portia.
But thank God,
she's here, you know,
because otherwise I'd be...
I'd be entirely alone.
Tanya, I didn't want this.
Well, can't you just quit
the Bureau of Land Management
bullshit, whatever it is?
I can't quit.
I can't afford to quit.
You made me sign a prenup.
What if we don't work out?
If we don't work out,
what am I supposed to do
without a job?
- We're gonna work out, Greg.
- How do I know?
You change your mind
about everything constantly.
You... you...
You drop your friends.
You fire people on a dime.
I mean, you've been through...
How many fucking assistants
have you been through?
You just discard people.
- You hate me, don't you?
- Shut up. I do not.
- No, you do.
- No, I don't.
No, I think you do.
You know what?
I'm paying attention.
- Stop. I get it.
- I am paying attention.
- I can tell you don't like me.
- It's two days.
Let's not just go into one
of these big dramas again, okay?
Fuck it, you're not coming back
in two days. You know what?
You're just...
You're a full-of-shit man.
You're very insincere.
And I can just tell.
You know what? You never look me
in the eye, ever.
Guess what? I'm telling you
in your eye,
you're a piece of shit.
I hate you.
Come on, Tanya. Tanya!
It's always something with them.
- Uh, this is my room.
- Oh.
Please don't repeat
any of the shit that I told you
about my boss
and her husband and stuff,
because I actually
did sign an NDA
and I'm kinda paranoid about it.
Yeah, I'm gonna tell
everyone I know.
No, I'm just kidding.
I... Yeah, of course,
I would never do that.
Yeah, it'd be ridiculous
if she actually sued me,
'cause all I have is my laptop
and she has
half a billion dollars.
Her dad was this big,
like, shipping magnate guy
and owned like half
of San Francisco.
And... and I don't think
he molested her,
but he was definitely
very pervy and inappropriate
and then it was kind of sad.
He actually ended up
committing suicide and...
and I'm not supposed to be
telling you that either.
Um...
can I kiss you?
Oh. Um...
sure.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
Okay.
Um, I guess...
let's hang out tomorrow.
Okay.
Um, good night. Yeah. I had fun.
Fun. Great. Okay.
Good night.
Good night.
I'm sorry.
- For what?
- For being a shrew.
I feel like I'm ruining
this trip for everybody.
- No, you're not.
- I just...
I don't know what my problem is.
I just feel like...
I feel like we're LARPing
as rich people.
We're not LARPing.
How... how are we LARPing?
And I don't know, I guess,
I just don't want him
rubbing off on you.
You know, and I don't like
the way he alpha dogs you.
He doesn't alpha dog me.
I mean, he kind of used to,
I guess,
but... it's different now.
Oh, my God,
is that why we're here?
So you can rub your success
in his face?
No.
So you can finally win
the arm wrestling contest.
No. There is no contest.
Well, whatever. From now on,
I am going to be...
...so fun. Okay?
- I promise.
- Okay.
I love you.
I love you.
Do you wanna suck on my tits
or jerk off on my face
or something? Fuck around?
I'm kinda beat.
Yeah, okay.
Ugh. She sucks.
Why would he marry her?
- She's pretty.
- Yeah, I guess.
But she's such a pill.
You know, I think some women
cut off their husband's balls
and then they wonder
why they're not attracted
to them anymore.
Yeah. Don't you cut
my balls off, baby.
I won't.
That's all I got, sugarplum.
- But you know what?
- What?
- If I wanted to...
- Uh-huh.
...I could.
Buonasera!
Hello.
We had a great day.
We drank by the pool,
we had dinner,
and I just wanted to thank you.
You're very welcome.
Um, but listen...
I'm having like
a guilty conscience
kind of feeling, you know.
I'm... I'm just not feeling great
about this. Uh, you're lovely.
You don't want me to come in?
Oh, I really do.
You have no idea.
I have a problem
with sexual addiction
and compulsion.
It's a... it's a real issue.
And, uh...
I... I really need
to get a handle on it,
like, quickly, if I'm gonna turn
my situation around.
You understand?
I have my friend here,
and she wants to thank you, too.
- Ciao.
- Hi.
Thank you for my bikini.
You're welcome.
Sure you don't want us
to come in?
Jeez.
You're making this very hard.
Please.
Oh, Lord.
- Mm.
- Um...
Michele...
Do you like vodka?
Mia, get the vodka.
Mm-hmm.
Greg?
Greg?
Yeah, she's clueless as usual.
I'll be home tomorrow,
give you a call when I get in.
All right, yeah, I love you too.
And I look forward to it.