The West Wing (1999–2006): Season 4, Episode 18 - Privateers - full transcript

Amy is challenged and tormented from all sides in her first day as Chief of Staff to the First Lady. Her first task is to prove that Abbey's relative was a privateer and not a pirate. And a glacier melts!

Previously on The West Wing:

You're one vote down on foreign aid.

Was it a bad idea to make the first bill
a controversial one?

The president doesn't believe that should
be taken into consideration.

You're the first lady.
You need a chief of staff, a real one.

If you want your agenda taken seriously,
put a professional face on it.

- You got a fax from Amy.
- Read it.

"First lady took your advice.
She hired me."

And we should cross borders
to bring schools and teachers... parts of the world forgotten
by all but the warlords.

We're gonna pass this Foreign Ops Bill.

- Hello?
- Mr. President, it's 6 a.m.


I didn't ask for a 5?

You did, sir, and the first lady
changed it to 6.

- She's allowed to do that?
- Sir?

It's okay, thanks.

You're up?

Yeah. What the hell's going on?

I gave you an extra hour.
I checked the scheduling.

No reason why you
couldn't sleep an extra hour.

I know. When she called, I was
gonna say,"Call back in an hour"...

...and go to sleep.
I was gonna do it myself.

- You had a little plan.
- Yeah, now I missed the whole thing.

I accidentally blew your plan.

You had advisors on this
and everything, didn't you?

And you had memos from senior staff
on Operation Human Snooze Button.

Operation Resting Eagle.

Oh, no.

Please tell me
you didn't really name it.

You know, I was having a little fun
in my sleep. It's how I relax.


Let me put my glasses on.

Something's turning me
on about you, Abbey.

Can't tell why.

- My hair's wet.
- Oh, yeah.

I was working out.

I got in late last night.

I know. That's why I changed the call.

We didn't even leave Nashville
until after 10.

I ended up touring a weapons
research facility in Oak Ridge.

They've got one of the most
powerful reactors in the world.

They were able to show me... insulin molecule...


...scoop up two zinc ions.

Before your very eyes.

You're a scientist,
and you're making fun of this?

No. I'm making fun of you.

Anyway, look,
I'm trying to tell you something.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, ma'am.

- That's okay. I'm gonna get that.
- Thank you.

Oh, would you like me
to lay out the papers?

- No, I'll get them, thanks.
- Yes, sir.

Lay out the papers, yes.
And today...

...I'd like you to alphabetize them.

He's just doing his job.

Anyway, when we finally
got back from Nashville...

...Leo was waiting.

What's going on with Leo
and Jordan these days?

I don't know.

But we'll be interested in that less
right now than we are in other things.

- What's the trouble, Sheriff Taylor?
- Foreign Ops came out of markup.

- How is it?
- It's good.

They only cut two billion.

They shifted half a billion from
the sub-Saharan to Western Europe...

...because crippling hunger
in Provence...

...gave the lactose intolerant a problem
with... I don't know. I can live with that.

- Good.
- Clancy Bangert attached an amendment.

- Stipulating what?
- Stipulating that Foreign Ops dollars...

...wouldn't go to any overseas
clinics that counsel abortion.

- Is that out of the blue?
- Yeah.

- It is... Or it was...
- This is the Senate.

- They can do that.
- I was just asking.

- Does Bangert leave any indication...?
- No, there's no indication.

Bangert doesn't let
me know what he's thinking.

Hey, hey, I was just asking you.

There's a handful and a half
of cranky, conservative senators...

...who want this stuff and who are
waiting to pounce. It happened.

- Clancy wants to reinstate the gag rule.
- Yeah.

- Is the bill sunk?
- I'm sorry?

How many Democrats are defecting?

- I don't know.
- How many would defect if you asked?

- I don't know.
- You didn't make the calls?

I'm not prepared to do that.

What would happen if you said,"Send me
this bill with the gag rule, I'll veto."

- I don't know.
- You talk to leadership?

I'm not prepared to do that.

It's not that money can't go
to clinics that perform abortions.

It can't go to clinics
that talk about abortions.

- I know what the gag rule is.
- I wasn't reminding you what it was.

I was reminding you that you sent
11,000 U.S. troops to Kundu...

...because on your inauguration... told us that we were
for freedom of speech everywhere.

Great, except people
are starving to death...

...dying of disease,
and they can't cook the Bill of Rights.

We're for freedom everywhere but poor
countries. They can have our help.

But only if they live up
to Clancy Bangert's moral standards?

What the hell kind of free world
are you running?

I really don't know, Abbey.
The day hasn't started yet.

This is from David Elson
of the USGS...

...the U.S. Geological Survey, and
Coast Guard Commander Dennis Travis.

Last night at 3:45 a. M...

...Battletree Lake burst
through its natural dam... what is known
as a glacial-lake outburst.

Okay, it's a rushing river
of ice, water and rock.

It's about 300 feet wide.

It's sweeping through Kachadee,
a town on the side of the lake.

A 300-foot-wide river of ice and rock
is sweeping through a small town?

- Yeah.
- And you think that's funny?

- No.
- I thought you were trying to be funny.

No, I'm trying to brief you
on an emergency in Alaska.

Sorry, man.
We're on the same page now.

We have an agreement with Canada and
Russia for assistance in airborne rescue.

So the president's gonna need
to get on the phone or be briefed.

Yeah, me too.
I'll see to it.

Why did it happen?
Why did the natural dam break?

The natural dam was part of a glacier,
and the glacier melted.

- The glacier melted?
- It did.

Glaciers melt once every 100
million years. This one melted today?

I don't know about geology.

I think it's been melting
for a long time.

But, yeah, 3:45 a.m. was the straw
that broke the camel's back.

- All right.
- Thank you.

You don't wanna stand here and reflect
that a glacier melted this morning?

Well, I would, Leo...

...but a glacier melted this morning.

So at this point, Americans are simply
trying to outrun it. Thank you.

Hey, Josh.

A glacier in Alaska melted.
You're gonna see this on the news.

I'll help you prep C.J.

A natural dam broke. There's flooding,
and there'll be a lot more.

A glacier melted?

- Don't fixate on that.
- I'm not fixating.

- But, you know, a glacier melted?
- Yeah.

Okay. Well, I was just gonna ask if the
first lady is a distant relative of a pirate.

- Did somebody call?
- Boston Globe.

C.J. Talk to C.J. He got called by
the Globe about Captain Feathersword.

- Is this for real?
- The Globe?

The Globe got a call from Marion
Cotesworth-Haye of Marblehead...

...who's denounced Mrs. Bartlet's
membership in the DAR.

Is it okay if I laugh during this?

Well, Marion Cotesworth-Haye
of Marblehead, certainly.

Yeah. Anyway, to be
a member of the DAR... have to have descended...
- From doilies?

From patriots.
And Mrs. Cotesworth-Haye says...

...the first lady's qualifying ancestor...

...was Thomas Broome Weathergill,
a pirate.

- He wasn't a pirate, he was a privateer.
- He was a professional pirate.

But he was hired by the fathers of the
Daughters of the American Revolution.

- Should we tell that to the DAR lady?
- It's not our job to tell Mrs. Marblehaye.

And I can't agree more...

...but she's organizing a boycott
of the reception for the DAR.

- That's why The Globe is calling.
- He was a privateer.

- He wasn't a pirate.
- Right.

Also, it was a couple
hundred years ago.

It's time for a visit
to the first lady's office.

- For both of us?
- Yeah.

I was this close to not answering
that phone when it rang.

- Close wasn't good enough.
- No.

If this day ends with me face-to-face
with Marion Cotesworth-Haye, I'll...

- Laugh inappropriately?
- There's a possibility.

Let's go.

- Ms. Gardner?
- Yeah?

I'm Nat.
We met during your orientation.

I'm an intern in the first lady's office.
Or I was...

...until Mrs. Bartlet
fired my boss and hired you.

Okay. Well, you can stay.
Let's see how it works out.

- Nat?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- And Mrs. Bartlet's waiting to see you.

- Now?
- Yeah.

That's the kind of thing
you wanna tell me first. Mrs. Bartlet.

- Morning.
- Sorry, ma'am. Thank you.

What happened here?

I don't know. I'm sure it's...

- Good morning.
- Relax.

- Okay.
- This is easy.

- What's easy?
- What I wanna talk to you about.

I'm saying, it's your first day, and I don't
want you to feel overwhelmed by this.

The Foreign Ops Bill came
out of markup late last night.

Senator Bangert,
Clancy Bangert, added an amendment.

The global gag rule.

I'd like you to get the staff together.
Start coming up with a way...

...this office can influence
the president to let Congress know...

...he'd veto it with
that amendment attached.

- The president would want to hear...
- He'd wanna hear from senior staff.

You want me to get the president
to declare he'd veto his own bill?


No, it's not that easy.

But we're gonna do it anyway.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Start lobbying.

- Yes.
- Thank you.

Thank you, ma'am.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- A glacier has melted in Alaska.
- You freaked about that too?

- No.
- I didn't mean that I was.

- Okay.
- Amy, we have a problem for your office.

You can't. Mrs. Bartlet already has me
overthrowing the government.

Her membership in the DAR
is being questioned...

...because the qualifying relative
was a pirate.

- A pirate?
- A pirate, a pirate. Oh, yes, a pirate.

A privateer, actually.

- Isn't that just a hired pirate?
- Yeah.

Anyway, Helena Hodworth
Hooter-Tooter of Braintree...

...wants to organize
a boycott of the reception and...

Well, there it is.
Yes, Mrs. Bartlet descends...

...from a murderous band
of ruffians.

And her membership
is suspect on those grounds.

Or so believes The Boston Globe.

Your picture frames fell.

Yeah. They did, Willy.


- Burt.
- Stopped in to say hello.

- You were in the building?
- They had us meeting about testimony.

I'm testifying to House Resources
on Polluter Pays.

This is Don Novak,
the lawyer from Kierney-Passaic.

This is one of my first
roommates, Toby.

- Don Novak.
- Good to meet you.

You're working for Kierney-Passaic?

Yeah. We don't make chemicals, Toby.
We make ideas.

- But what do you sell?
- Chemicals.

- And you're testifying on Polluter Pays?
- Yeah.

- On behalf of nature?
- Yeah.

You know what? You demonize
companies that create jobs.

"You demonize companies that create..."

You think taxpayers should pay
to clean up pollution...

A little bit, yes. A modest amount
of pollution is an inevitable cost.

Chemical companies
are good corporate citizens.

Nice. But we've got 15 scientists who
aren't on industry payroll. You'll have...

The Republican majority, actually.

Yeah, well, that's gotta help.

- It does.
- I just wanted to say hi.

- Good luck tomorrow.
- Nice meeting you.


- I forgot to ask him about his kids.
- Huh?

His wife is pregnant with twins.
No, his ex-wife, actually.

I don't want him to think I was
being rude. Hang on a second.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah.

I'm supposed to be looking
at pictures of Andy.

Could you take out your wallet...

...and look for a picture?
- What?

Please, take out your wallet and
look for a picture you can show me.

been lying for three years.

I need protection under
federal whistle-blower laws.

That's nice.
Oh, she looks great there.

- Is that from Christmas?
- Yeah.

- When are the twins due?
- Are you defecting?

- Yeah.
- They're due in May.

It's a boy and a girl.

We can't decide on names.

She likes Rebecca...

...or Sophie for girls.

I like Sophie too.

But I think a lot of kids
are named Sophie now.

And I like Rebecca,
but I also like Millicent...

...which she doesn't like at all.

And we're nowhere with boys' names.

But they say it comes to you.
We still got a little time.

- What's going on?
- Hang on.

- What's going on?
- Cool out.

- I got a call that...
- Cool out.

- Who are those two guys talking in the...?
- Would you cool out?

- Okay.
- It's okay.

- I told him. This is...?
- This is Josh Lyman, it's okay.

I told him we were gonna get
some coffee, catch up.

This is Burt Ganz. Burt's the...
What's your title again?

Director of scientific research.

He's testifying tomorrow
on Polluter Pays.

- I've read your testimony.
- Yeah, but...

- His testimony's been written already.
- It was.

- And it says?
- Polluter Pays is unfair, unreasonable...

...that our technology and process is
as safe as is practicably possible...

...even assurance bonds
are ridiculous...

...because there's no evidence
we're causing environmental damage.

- We saved the committee a lot of time.
- He wants to change his testimony.

To what?

We have been concealing from the EPA
and local health officials the amount...

...of highly carcinogenic toxins
at three of our waste-disposal sites.

- You have?
- Yes.

- What is the amount?
- Lots.

- Lots?
- Yes.

So Kierney-Passaic hasn't been damaging
the environment quite so much... they've been...
- Causing cancer. I have documentation.

Stay here and don't say
anything to anyone until I call.

- Who knows he's here?
- A lawyer from K.P.

Wait till I call.

Josh, Amy Gardner was looking for you.


- It's your first day.
- Yes.

Is it true that everything
fell off your wall?

- How do you know that?
- I'm everywhere.

I've been orientating myself
for the last few days, so I'm fine.

Okay, I don't think"orientating" is a word.

- You have an assignment?
- Yes. Can we talk in your office?

Donna, I need to speak to someone
from the counsel's office.


- Clancy Bangert attached...
- A global gag rule to Foreign Ops.

And the first lady's vershtickt.

- She's what?
- Vershtickt.

- She's not the only one.
- You too?

The 62 percent of us
who support a woman's right...

- Fifty-seven percent.
- Kaiser says 62.

- And I'm one of them.
- This is a huge step for the other 38.

- You think I like it more than you do?
- You don't have a reproductive system.

- I do not.
- The president should veto Foreign Ops...

...with the gag.
- He should veto his own bill?

- Threaten to veto.
- Let me jot that down.

- If he does, he has to veto.
- Maybe with the threat...

...senators will insist
the attachment be taken off.

But if Amy's plan of magic and
wonder doesn't work...

...he's gotta veto Foreign Ops
after not one...

...two, but three continuing resolutions.
We need a win.

And 230 million people
overseas need a sandwich.

So we can't veto Foreign Ops.

- What can we do?
- What?

- What can we do?
- They've tried attaching it to everything.

We've beaten it back every
time with executive orders...

...but this one's gonna be law,
and we have to eat it.


- Why'd your stuff fall off the wall?
- I don't know. Thanks.

Donna. Did you get me in
with the counsel's office?

They're in a meeting till after lunch.

- All right, after lunch then?
- Yeah.

You know how you wanted to go
to the DAR reception tonight?

I didn't want to go to the reception.

Well, you're going. Secret Service
needs us to babysit someone.

One of the Daughters of the American
Revolution is the daughter...

...of the ranking member
of House Armed Services.

- So she needs to be shadowed?
- Not her, her date.

Matthew Lambert, 26, was arrested
when he was 21 and a senior at Emerson.

He was arrested for selling drugs
and found guilty of a felony.

Secret Service won't let him in
unless someone is watching him.

- I stay with him the whole night?
- He won't know why, so be cool.

- He won't know?
- Or his girlfriend.

After lunch with the counsel's office?

- Can I talk to him?
- If you want.

But don't tell him we regard
him as a security risk.

- It's just inhospitable.
- Yeah.

So far, we've evacuated 250 people...

...but residents along the shore
are difficult to reach.

- Why?
- For one thing, most of them...

...don't have addresses anymore.

And there are high winds in the
more exposed areas right on the shore.

All right. And Canada?

Canada's delivering
the Pavehawks inside the hour.

Can someone tell me why this happened?
Is this an act of God?


- I'm sorry?
- This is Hillary Toobin.

She's a hydro-climatologist
with the USGS.

What's a hydro-climatologist?

An expert in what I'm about to say.

Mean temperatures in Alaska have risen
seven degrees in the last 30 years.

That's insane.

The temperature hike caused glaciers
to shrink and go backward...

...leaving lakes of melted
glacier water in their wake.

A shift in these collapsing glaciers
puts pressure on the lakes...

...forcing them to overflow
their natural limits...

...and killing, this morning, 14 people.
Not spotted owls.

Are you telling me that the deaths are
the first fatalities of global warming?

They are definitely global warming
fatalities, but I doubt they're the first.


- Can you stay around for a while?
- Yeah.

- Mrs. Bartlet.
- Hi. The stuff fell off the wall again.

- Did it?
- Yeah.

The guys might be having fun
with you on your first day.

- They're such rascals.
- Yes.

- I'm just coming from seeing Josh.
- And?

Well, his point,
and it's reasonable, I think... that the president can't threaten
to do what he's not prepared to do.

I wasn't talking about an empty threat.

He won't veto
his own Foreign Ops proposal.

- It's not his, it's the Senate's.
- It's his.

With this attached?

It's $ 18 billion worth of appropriations...'s $950 million for child survival...

...$ 140 million for infectious diseases.

The White House will negotiate
another aid package in a year.

Why not focus on that,
when I've been here a year...

- No!
...instead of the five hours I have now.

Should I get someone else?

Of course not, ma'am.
That's not what I was saying.

What right do we have to restrict
anything anyone says anywhere...

...much less what a doctor
can say to a woman...

...who needs a doctor.
- That's right.

My husband is the most
liberal president...

...this country is likely to see for a while.

I don't have that many"next years" left.

- I think you're wrong there, but...
- Let's get back to it.

Yes, ma'am.

- Hey, what's going on?
- You mean in Alaska?

- I meant in general.
- Hang on.

I got a"Dear John" letter from Zoey.

She's breaking up with me again.

An e-mail. It's a"Dear John"
e-mail from my ex-girlfriend.

- This is a high self-image day.
- Why's she breaking up with you?

I make Jean Paul uncomfortable.
They've had a talk.

So it's your ex on behalf
of her new boyfriend...

...who sent you a"Dear John" e-mail.
- That's better.

- What brought this on?
- Zoey's being inducted into the DAR...

...and Jean Paul thinks it's unnatural.

- And he's a son of a count.
- Who isn't?

- An e-mail.
- You gonna take this lying down?

- No, I'll be standing up.
- I'm serious.

- How else can I take it?
- Belligerently.

- Belligerently?
- Say"no." Do it respectfully.

- Say"no"?
- Respectfully.

What would that sound like?

Zoey, you say Jean Paul
is uncomfortable with us...

...and prefers I not be around,
and I respectfully say"no."

- Can I ask something?
- Sure.

- Do you have a girlfriend?
- No.

- When was the last time you had one?
- Nine months ago.

- How long did it last?
- Couple days.

- Okay.
- In my defense, she was psycho.

Why are you giving relationship help?

I'm the one who didn't get
a"Dear John" e-mail...

...from his ex-girlfriend's boyfriend.
- That's true, isn't it?

- Will!
- Excuse me.

She's coming right now.

- I got a message to meet you guys.
- Yes. We've solved your problem.

- Which problem?
- Marion Cotesworth-Haye of Marblehead.

- Who's organizing a reception boycott?
- Yes.

- How big a problem is it?
- Not a problem...

...because we have her here.

- Here?
- Here in the Mural Room.

- I thought she lives in Marblehead.
- She came to Washington.

- To boycott?
- What do you care?

Go in and talk. If it isn't working, tell her
the first lady wants to give her an award.

- I make up an award?
- Save yourself a headache.

Am I being hazed?

Is this a hazing? Because I'll go along,
but I have to see Josh...

It's not a hazing. They don't do that.

Except, yes, you put olives
in my jacket again.

I did. I did put the olives in his jacket,
but this is on the level.


- Hang on.
- What?

I gotta make sure I don't laugh.

It's a funny name to me, that's all.
Just give me a second.

Hang on.


- Mr. Thomas?
- Yes.

I'm C.J. Cregg.
My assistant spoke to you.

- Yes.
- Mrs. Cotesworth-Haye, I'm C.J. Cregg.

I'm the White House press secretary.

Will Bailey, our deputy
communications director.

Amelia Gardner, who's the first lady's
chief of staff. This is her first day.

We're happy you were able to take the
time to come so we could talk.

I'm Marion Cotesworth-Haye!


I was thinking of this thing from...

This thing that just happened
with the deficit.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, God.

Excuse me, please.

- Is this a hazing?
- I swear it's not a hazing.

It's real. It's real.

I laughed because of the name.
You gotta fix it.

- Ma'am.
- This is my secretary, Mr. Thomas.

Good to meet you. Ma'am...

...the first lady was saddened to see...

...that you weren't going to be
attending the reception tonight.

She was saddened?
That doesn't sound like Abigail.

Well, the problem is, and you
weren't to be told beforehand...

...but Mrs. Bartlet, during the
presentation of honors this evening...

...was to personally present
you with an award.

I hadn't heard about this.

She likes to keep it a surprise.

For the faces, the surprise.

May I ask what the award is for?

It's for your many years of service.

- Is this the Liberty Award?
- No.

It's a key.

Francis Scott Key.
It's the Francis Scott Key Key.

Well, that is a different fox
hunt all together, isn't it?

Yes. You'll be there?

- I will strongly consider it, yes.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- I didn't have my game face on.
- Yeah.

- Anyway, problem solved.
- Excuse me.

Josh! Excuse me.

- Is it true your door fell down?
- Yeah.

I understand that. How did you
get the stuff to fall off the wall?

Army counterintelligence guys.
Good bunch, I don't ask questions.

- I was wondering if...
- Hang on.

- Why?
- It's a public lobby.

I don't know launch sequences.

She really doesn't, so everything's fine.

Would you have the senior staff write
a Statement of Administrative Policy?

We write SAPs all the time.
Saying what?

Saying that the president should veto
a Foreign Ops Bill if it comes to him...

- No.
- If it comes with a gag rule.

- He won't veto Foreign Ops.
- Threaten to.

- He's not gonna threaten...
- The staff.

The staff writes a public SAP.
Maybe it gets moderate Republican...

- I don't think it will.
- It might.

- If it doesn't?
- It doesn't and he signs it.

Then we look
like a bunch of empty shirts.

- Who?
- Senior staff.

- That's vanity.
- No, it is not.

I am most effective
for this country when lawmakers...

...are under the impression
I have influence.

So's Leo, so's Toby, so's C.J.,
so's the vice president.

We're not giving back Roe.

We're gonna swallow it
on Foreign Ops, that's all.

It's a good package,
and I'm celebrating tonight.

With the Daughters
of the American Revolution?

The daughters of any revolution will do.
I'm not gonna ask for an SAP on a veto...

...but it's important enough
that I don't mind...

...if you go over my head
and ask Leo to call for it.

Thank you.

It's okay to tell Mrs. Bartlet
you disagree with her, you know.

What makes you think
I disagree with her?

I know everything.

I'll see you tonight.

It's not lying, but the information
gets hidden... soil-sample reports
that are submitted to the EPA.

- What's an acceptable level?
- Of carcinogens?

- Yeah.
- What does it matter?

- It doesn't. Just curious.
- One part per billion is unacceptable.

What our engineers do
is raise the MDL.

- Method detection level?
- Yeah, to a hundred PPB.

- Interesting.
- Mike?

- Yeah?
- You wanted to become a scientist.

You didn't. You became a lawyer, got a
job in the counsel's office. Let's do that.

I did my undergrad in chemical
engineering. I was good.

Then I went to law school,
and I don't know what happened.

- Cool.
- Can we get on with it?

House Resources is hearing testimony
on the Polluter Pays bill.

If Justice can grant him immunity
under the whistle-blower statute...

...he can testify that Kierney-Passaic
has been hiding...

...dangerous levels of cancer-causing
whatever in the EPA reports.

It will do tremendous good
in terms of winning this.

- Toby?
- Yeah.

Plus we retard Kierney-Passaic's
progress in killing people.

Right, there are several
positive outcomes.

Mike, can he get whistle-blower status?

- I don't think it matters.
- Why?

The anti-retaliation provisions
of the False Claim Act.

- Yes.
- This entitles an employee to relief...

...who's fired or demoted or suspended
or in any manner discriminated against...

...because of lawful acts done by the
employee on behalf of the employer.

- Yes.
- These acts weren't lawful.

How's testifying in front
of House Resources not lawful?

No, that's lawful, but, Burt... did you become aware that the
EPA documents were being falsified?

I'm the senior engineer.

- You initialed them.
- Yeah.

Well, let me ask you this the
way the federal prosecutors will.

Did you knowingly sign fraudulent
documents submitted to authorities?

- Well, it's not that the documents were...
- Oh, my God.

Yeah, he doesn't need 3730.

He needs immunity
from criminal prosecution.

I'll tell you what, he better get it.

What do you mean?
If he doesn't, he doesn't talk.

You would be compelled to name him
and recount everything he told you...

...when subpoenaed by the U.S.
attorney to appear before a grand jury.

- We have to turn him in now?
- No...

...but you'll go to jail as a coconspirator.

I don't understand, all I did
was get up in the morning.

Then I got a message to come see you.

- How come he knows about the...
- Everyone does.

Was something on your mind
when they taught that in law school?

- Were you distracted by a bee?
- Mike.

Burt, why don't you come sit in my
office while we call your lawyer.


- You have a lawyer?
- Of course.

Why did you come to my office
and tell me what...? I don't care.

- Mike, let's get him immunity.
- We'll wait in my office.

I can leave my coat here?


You going to the DAR thing tonight?

It's not that I didn't know federal law,

We got in a little deep
before I was able to...

...summon that...
- Shut up.


I talked about the threat of a veto.

- No, they understood that.
- They?

- I took it to Leo McGarry.
- Don't let Josh find that out.

No, he suggested it.

We're not talking about the threat of
a veto, we're talking about an SAP.

Those policy recommendations
are published by the OMB.

- There would be record of him ignoring...
- I don't care.

- It looks like they don't have it together.
- They're exporting religious doctrine.

They don't have their act together.
Are they playing you?

- No, ma'am.
- Like diplomas falling off walls?

No, ma'am.

They didn't stump me, ma'am.

We simply exhausted our options,
which was fairly predictable.

What options did we exhaust?

The HHS secretary,
the appropriations manager.

I spoke to the minority leader's
office, several senators...

...all of whom you'd consider close
allies. The amendment's gonna hold.

Would the staff consider recommending
another amendment be attached?

- Saying what?
- We put condoms... every classroom around the globe.

I don't think the staff
would consider that.

- Why?
- Because it'd kill the Foreign Ops Bill.

You tried to kill welfare reauthorization
because of marriage incentives.

Wasn't that choking off money
to the poor to cater to a women's issue?

I had hope it would change
the bill before the vote.

- In this case, I have no hope of that.
- Well...

...thanks for the pep talk there.

- Hello. Good evening.
- Hey, Jean Paul, how you doing?

I was to meet Zoey by the car.
Is it here?

- What?
- Zoey and I are arriving separately...

...and she didn't want to walk in alone,
so she told me to meet her by the car.

Is that here?

Is it here?

- No?
- Is this by the car?

No, this is...

We're inside.

This is a building.

There are many entrances
and driveways...

...and I think you know I meant that.

I swear to God, Jean Paul...

...I had no ungodly idea
what you were talking about.

Zoey becomes the Daughter of
the American Revolution tonight... her mother and hers before.

- Yes.
- They think it's possible...

...I have ancestors who
fought for the colonies.

Well, they think it's possible... great-great-grandfather's
Thomas Jefferson, so...

Is that so?

You're stoned right now.

And that's incredibly risky
when you're around Zoey.

It's unbelievably stupid, so could
you be careful with that?

Could you tell me where Zoey
meant to meet her?

The Ellipse.

That's where they're receiving people.

- This is ridiculous.
- What?

Don't make it a big deal. He doesn't
have to know he's being tailed.

- This wasn't on Laverne & Shirley?
- It may have been.

- I loathe you.
- Okay.

Excuse me, are you Matthew Lambert?

- Yeah.
- Hi, I'm Donna Moss.

- Hi. This is my girlfriend, Heidi Choat.
- Hi.

You guys here at the party?


They said we could walk
around the West Wing.

So we're just gonna go walk around.

Great. I'll go with you.

- Hi.
- Hello.

I've spent a portion of the day with a
hydro-climatologist named Hillary Toobin...

...who says Alaska happened
because of greenhouse gas...

...and several other geologists
think so too.

We can't politicize it.

- We have to politicize it, it's politics.
- It's disrespectful.

It is, and we'll have to say so.

Is she ready to get publicly
scolded by the White House?

She is.

She'll call for a 25-percent decrease
in emissions over the next 10 years...

...and you'll reprimand her
for politicizing the tragedy.

What do you think?

- I think that's right, but I should do it.
- You don't wanna do it.

I don't, but I don't think
a researcher at Interior... gonna jump-start this
the way you need.

- I appreciate it.
- Yes, sir.

Look at that DAR dress you're wearing.

Man, that's fantastic.

- You could churn butter in that.
- You're skulking?

- I was.
- Was Jean Paul not able to meet me?

He's meeting you right now.
He's waiting at the Ellipse.

- I don't ever use the Ellipse.
- That's right.

You know what, I forgot.

- Look...
- You send me an e-mail?

- What was I supposed to do?
- Not send me an e-mail.

He is very jealous of you.

He is. And I'd like to try
to make this work.

- So if you don't mind...
- Oh, but I do mind.

- Well, I don't think that matters.
- I think it does.

Are you gonna do what I asked
in the e-mail?

- No.
- You just refuse?

I do. I refuse respectfully.

Well, you can't refuse and be
respectful at the same time.

Watch me. Ask again.

Stop pursuing me.

Respectfully, no.


Because I'm in love with you.

And that's the way it goes.

I have to go inside to dinner.

How long before he figures out
you're there?

Oh, shut up.

- Is there anything you guys need?
- No, we're great.

You've been giving us so much
attention, there are many people.

- Don't you have to greet them?
- I'm not working the party.

- You said you work here.
- At the White House.

- I'm a guest at the party.
- So you're just talking to us...

For fun.

Okay, well, I'll go get us drinks.

- Okay, I'll stay here with Matt.
- Honey?

- You want me to go to the bar with you?
- Yeah.

Cool. Bar trip.

- What are you doing here?
- They're still making calls.

They told me I could walk around.

It didn't occur to me until I asked
why you didn't tell your lawyer.

You knew what you were doing
the whole way, right?

Get the president's muscle to lean
on Justice for immunity.

I'm scared of criminal prosecution.

I'm just terrified of it.

But to my credit,
I think I'm righting this wrong.

After three years.

That's something.

That's quite an impressive
ethical learning curve.

It's not as clear-cut as you think.


The U.S. attorneys are gonna grill you
for a while, but you'll get the immunity.

Ladies and gentlemen, please make
your way to the state dining room.

Dinner is being served.

Right behind you guys.

- Listen...
- Ma'am...

...I spent a year and a half
as issues director for NOW...

...two years as political director
of EMILY's List...

...founder of the Democratic Women's
Forum, A.A. to Hope Schrader...

...and director of the
Women's Leadership Coalition.

Excuse me, ma'am, but I beat back
five anti-choice judicial nominees... the Violence Against
Women Act reauthorized...

...and raised $22 million
for House candidates.

- Amy...
- While this White House...

...your office included, allowed equal pay
to be pushed off the agenda...

...marriage incentives
to be put in welfare reform...

...buried a surgeon general's
report on birth control...

...and allowed the global gag rule
in the first place.

You hired me to put
a professional face on your office.

This bill's gonna be law tonight.
If you want to fire me, fire me.

I don't wanna fire you.

Oh. Why did you want to talk to me?

To tell you you had a good first day.

- Oh, okay. Jumped the gun.
- Yeah.

This is strange for me, Amy.

I used to babysit for you.
Give me a little time.

I used to get you in some jams.

Yes, you did. Let's go to dinner.

You're giving someone an award tonight.

- I'll explain it on the way.
- What award?

The Francis Scott Key Key.

I didn't know you were
related to pirates.

- That's pretty hot.
- I'm related to a privateer.

- What is a Francis Scott...?
- I've written remarks.

Oh, good.

The White House is doing
some quick backpedaling today...

... claiming Deputy Communications
Director Will Bailey...

... was not speaking for the president...

... when he said the flooding
and deaths in Kachadee, Alaska...

... were caused by, quote,
"reckless disregard...

... for the issue of global warming."

Senate Republican Whip
Bill Armstrong...

Will's a good boy.

- He fell on it?
- Yeah.

I gave a made-up award
to Marion tonight.

- Marblehead?
- I think she's from Marblehead.

No, some of us call her Marblehead.

She was gonna boycott the thing.

- Because you're a pirate?
- No, not me.

Seventeen generations ago.
And he was a privateer.

He fought the war.
We didn't have a navy.

I know what they were.

You put a guy on the
Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals...

...who called sexual harassment a
flight of fancy for the overindulged.

- You put him on the Tenth Circuit.
- Today?

Three years ago. And TANF...

...cut child-care subsidies,
and equal pay got pocket-vetoed...

...and Abstinence Only in
teacher-funding initiatives.

And I didn't really do
anything to stop them.

- Yeah, you did.
- And now this thing.

I want to contribute,
like Will, screwing up on purpose.

- We don't need to ask you, you do it...
- I'm not kidding around!

I can't reprimand you,
it wouldn't play well.

- We save you for other things.
- Okay.

- You wanna hear about Max Weber?
- Get into bed.

German thinker Max Weber said...

...that politics is the slow boring
of hard boards.

And anyone who seeks to do it
must risk his own soul.

- You know what that means?
- I like how you think patronizing me...

...will make me feel better. It's sweet.

It means that change comes
in excruciating increments... those who want it.

You're trying to move mountains,
it takes lifetimes.

But Zoey Bartlet is the newest Daughter
of the American Revolution.

So I like our chances for the long run.

That's what you have to say?


All right, it's pretty good.

So what do you think,
you wait a few weeks?

- Till the bulk of the bill's appropriated.
- Yeah.

Then maybe you cap the percentage
of the funding...

...that's covered by the gag rule.
- Yeah.

I mean, how do you monitor
what a doctor says... a woman in Zimbabwe anyway?
- You don't.

We just get more aggressive
on the domestic side.

We will.

Move family planning into a discretionary
account in next year's budget rounds.

Keep talking, I'm gonna
turn off the light.

Are you getting up at 6 tomorrow?

No, I have to get up early.