The West Wing (1999–2006): Season 4, Episode 10 - Arctic Radar - full transcript
Women's groups, by default including the majority of the First Family, react passionately as a renowned female fighter pilot is sanctioned for an affair with a senior officer. Meanwhile Sam prepares for his campaign.
Previously on The West Wing:
Isn't this a strange time to be
moving into your office?
I'm the 2 a.m. watch commander
in the Situation Room tonight.
Why didn't you tell me
you worked here?
The RNC exits,
a dead candidate, a rainstorm.
I'm at the Hyatt
in Newport Beach...
... with the Horton Wilde campaign, and
the place is going absolutely berserk.
Bonnie, Ginger, get me Will Bailey,
get me Kay Wilde. Very quickly, please.
- You're the nominee.
- There isn't a nominee.
- Everyone's on the ballot.
- Is there another Democrat?
- No.
- You're the nominee.
- Good morning, sir.
- What's doing?
You're going to hear a story
this morning.
Am I a character in it?
I suppose that's up to you.
Navy pilot lieutenant commander
Vickie Hilton has been arrested...
...by the military police and charged by the
judge with having an affair...
...with a married officer,
an inferior officer, a lieutenant j.g.
I don't see being a character.
- Well, heads up anyway.
- Thank you.
- Good morning, sir. How'd it go?
- It could've gone better.
I didn't think adultery was
against the uniform code.
- We're talking about Vickie Hilton?
- It's against military law?
No. They don't like fraternization,
but it's not the affair...
...it's failure to follow orders.
- To stop?
- Yeah.
- What can she get?
- Jail for two years.
- For failure to follow an order?
- Sure.
- We should have that here.
- Morning, Mr. President.
- Mr. Secretary, ladies and gentlemen.
And welcome to the final
cabinet meeting of Bartlet One.
I don't know if this is true,
but a presidential historian told me...
...that this was the most stable Cabinet
since Hoover's...
...which is nice, but think how many
other jobs were really available.
But here are facts:
You created over nine million new jobs...
...and the highest home ownership
rate on record.
More than 150 new trade agreements.
You created the largest expansion
of college aid since the G.I. Bill...
...cleaned up over 500
toxic waste dumps...
...and you did it all while eliminating
16,000 pages of federal regulations.
Not bad for government work.
Thank you.
I'll add my thanks, and I'll need
your letters of resignation by 7:00.
There have been more Shehab missile
tests. Is the White House concerned?
We are. I think all the Bahrain
signatories are.
We're expressing that concern through
the appropriate channels. John?
Can you give us a preview
of the APEC address?
He's been working out
some new material...
...and it has absolutely been
destroying on the campuses.
Showtime will have their cameras
at APEC to record it...
...for the president's one-hour special
called Bartlet: In the Thick of lt.
- So no.
- No. I'll finish with a little housekeeping.
For any who don't know, in a two-term
presidency, as a matter of courtesy...
...the president's Cabinet resigns
without being asked...
...giving the president the option
of hiring them, rather than firing them.
Those resignations will be
submitted today. That's all. Thanks.
- C.J.? Can we talk?
- Yeah. Sure.
- About what?
- About what?
- What's wrong?
- Seats. What happened?
I moved the news magazines
to the fourth row.
- I noticed. Why?
- It isn't a thing, Mitch.
There are cameras in here
framing part of the gallery.
News magazines aren't here every day,
so they get empty seats.
- We're in the front row.
- We're safe after row three.
- So I put you guys in four.
- It's a slap in the face.
- I certainly didn't mean it as one.
- It is.
Mitch, I put you in the very first row
I don't care about.
Of the things I don't care about, I put
you right up front. I'll see you later.
You should amend that in a statement to
say that the resignations are effective...
...whenever they are effective.
- I did.
He'll remember he doesn't say a word
about labor without running it past AFL?
- Is he?
- Yeah.
He's gotta go door-to-door.
He hasn't lived there since he was 18.
- He knows.
- What about high school snapshots?
He knows.
You're taking the Lakers banner?
Yeah.
There's a shortage of them
in Southern California?
- Leave it, and leave the stapler...
- It's a West Wing office.
- Someone's gonna use it.
- And they might need a stapler. It's ours.
Right.
You've logged a lot of miles
in the last couple of weeks.
Well, I had to go get nominated,
and then set up the office...
...and then meet every member
of the California Democratic Party.
Listen, there's no way
I'm gonna be able to help...
...which is worse for me
than it is for you.
I wasn't counting on it.
- You gonna use Michael?
- From the staff?
- Yeah.
- Michael's who you use...
...when you need brief remarks
to whoever...
...wrote the check
we couldn't turn down.
What about Jerry?
Jerry's who you use when
you can't get Michael.
There's no one on the speechwriting
staff who can do this. It's okay.
That's a big job to do by yourself.
- You're gonna remember the local AFL?
- Yeah.
- Gotta go door-to-door.
- I know.
You were 18 when you lived there.
You want a hug?
Put the banner back.
I'll see you next week.
There are some new people.
Cabinet Affairs installed temps for
staff during the vetting period.
- Which is good.
- But?
- I'm not one to give fashion advice...
- You're not.
- But one of them...
- Sorry.
One of them is wearing...
...a Star Trek pin.
- Is today a special Star Trek holiday?
- How the hell would I know?
Okay, well, then would you
find out and if it's not...
People walk through here,
and it's not the most...
...confidence-inspiring sight to see
in an employee, so ask her to...
- It's a her?
- Yeah. I have my briefing memo?
Thank you.
Hang on. I'm doing you a favor,
now you have to do me one.
You're there, but you're not getting it.
When it's something you're paid to do,
that's not a favor.
- What do you got?
- Nancy McNally has a new military aide...
...named Jack Reese. We've talked a
few times. Ask him if he likes me.
Wow, I'm definitely
not gonna do that.
How many girls have I gotten for you?
Aren't these women who've said to you,
"Is that Josh Lyman?"
- Yes.
- And you've said...?
- Yes, every time.
- I'll properly ID you for him no problem.
Just a bit. All you have to do...
...is introduce yourself and remind him
that I work for you.
I can't, Potsie. Ralph and I are
double dating with the Dubrusky twins.
I am asking for something very little,
and you know how lame I am at this.
That's true.
- That was for the fashion...
- Yes.
- You'll do it?
- What are you doing here?
Hey. She's got an appointment
with you.
We're running about
15 minutes behind.
- At 10:00? That's a half-hour ahead.
- We're very proud.
- What's this about?
- You'll do it?
Yes. I know what the meeting's about.
It's about Vickie Hilton.
I'm here in no official capacity,
and I'm wielding nothing...
...but the League of Professional Women
asked me if I could help...
...get them time with the president.
There's no way the White House is
gonna get involved. It's a military thing.
Civilians run the military.
Not only is it okay to get involved...
...it's the law.
The commander in chief chooses
not to overrule his commanders.
He chooses without hearing
informed argument?
Yes, because then when he says no,
I've got a problem with women.
My friends and I can give him a problem
with women right now.
- What happened to"wielding nothing"?
- I forgot women got him reelected.
- Evidently you did too.
-"Evidently you did too."
I met her last night. This is a special girl.
I want to speak up for her.
- We'll talk in 15 minutes.
-"We'll talk in 15 minutes."
- Shut up.
- You shut up.
Oh, God help me some days.
You really don't have to
do that anymore.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Where you going?
What'd you settle on?
- Nice.
- Excellent.
I like to stay at the Hotel Beau Rivage,
but I think that's a little pricey for you.
Actually, I'm staying at the Villa Ephrussi
de Rothschild at Saint-Jean-Cap-Ferrat.
It's not a hotel, I guess,
quite so much as it's, well, a castle.
- Yeah. This is a family connection?
- Yeah.
- All of Europe is for you, isn't it?
- Parts of Asia.
- When's the plane leave?
- Three hours.
Remember to put the county clerk
in the boat...
...remember Nina Mercer and light rail.
Listen, I wouldn't ask you to postpone
if it wasn't important.
When did you ask me to postpone?
I'm obviously about to right now.
Okay, well, then your shoelaces
are untied and I'm hauling ass.
Toby Ziegler needs your help
on a speech for the president.
You have an OEOB
full of speechwriters.
Not everybody there does
this kind of speechwriting.
At this moment, not anybody there
does this kind.
- You're kidding.
- No.
- Maybe you'll do something about that?
- I don't work there...
...at the moment.
- I won. I'm sorry.
- How many times do I have to say it?
- You're not done yet.
It'd be a privilege to write
for the president...
...but I'm just too tired
to do it well.
This was a really hard campaign. A guy
died from it. This campaign had fatalities.
When is the president
giving the speech?
January 20th.
The president's giving
two speeches the 20th?
No, just the inauguration.
Sure. And Toby wants me?
Yeah, because of the Tillman speech.
You're flying in that direction. I thought
you could meet in Washington...
...and meet with Toby.
- Yeah.
- I'll set up the appointment.
I'll change my flight.
- Give this to Toby when you get there?
- Yeah.
The latest talks, would you say they
show a shift by the White House...
...away from containing
greenhouse gas?
No. The president's
fully committed to Kyoto...
...and thinks it's time we adapt
to the impact of greenhouse gases.
- Mark?
- Commander Vickie Hilton is quoted...
I'm gonna stop you and direct
you to the Pentagon. Mitch?
C.J., I wanted to ask about
your reshuffling of the seats.
Well, we discussed that,
but if you want to talk more...
- You made a unilateral decision.
- It's my house.
But I consulted with the White House
Correspondents Association.
You did it because you don't like
our coverage.
Or your attitude, but that's not why.
Thank you.
- Thank you, C.J.
- Thanks, C.J.
- Okay, I'm going to see Fitzwallace.
- Yeah.
Hey, I see she's not wearing
the pin anymore. Thanks.
She was worked up about it.
- Why?
- I don't know.
All right, hang on.
- Hi, I'm Josh Lyman.
- Janice Trumbull.
I wanted you to take off the pin,
just around the White House.
- You understand.
- I'm appealing your request to Stacy.
- I'm sorry?
- My supervisor is Stacy.
Right, except Stacy works for me.
Okay, well, you got the cards...
...but Star Trek and the entire
Starfleet series...
...is about honor,
loyalty and civic duty.
If you don't think these characteristics
should be displayed here, that's sad...
...but I wouldn't expect you
to understand those kinds of things.
Anything else?
No.
See what I mean?
- What?
- She is...
...well, one of the special people.
- Yeah.
She's taken off the pin.
We're gonna let it be.
I'm assuming you haven't
talked to him yet?
Right. What do you think
about Vickie Hilton?
- You know what I think.
- No, I mean...
...whether it's right for us
to be involved.
That's a harder question.
I've been thinking...
You've gotta go faster next time.
- I'm here already.
- Yeah.
Mr. Chairman, thank you.
I hope you haven't been waiting.
No, I never get to read
the sports section anymore.
- I think I know what this is about.
- Yeah.
There's gonna be pressure from women
for the president to intercede...
...and I was hoping we could
intercede without involving him.
These things are handled
at the commander's level in the Navy.
I wouldn't step in unless it's
the president's pleasure to order me.
I understand.
I guess, also, the thing is
that she isn't just any pilot.
She's like Jackie Robinson.
She's busted a lot of barriers.
The first woman at Miramar,
first woman to fly the F-14 Tomcat...
...she teaches on an F-14...
I guess I don't have to
give you her r?sum?.
No. But could you tell me more about
Jackie Robinson and breaking barriers?
Just out of curiosity, if you could,
would you save her?
No. I'd discharge her dishonorably...
...and I'm sure that's gonna happen.
I have to tell you,
it just doesn't seem right to me.
I know it doesn't.
You know I have all the respect
in the world for you?
- Yes.
- And if I didn't...
...I'd respect the uniform,
the rank and position.
What is it, son?
I feel like I have to go to Leo.
Good. That's the way
it's supposed to work.
Yeah?
Excuse me. They told me to knock
on the door. I'm Will Bailey.
- Oh, we have an appointment, right?
- Yeah.
Come on in.
- Sit down.
- Thanks.
- Will Bailey.
- Yes.
So you want a job
on the speechwriting staff.
- I'm sorry?
- A job on the speechwriting staff?
No.
- I'm sorry?
- I don't want a job on the staff.
- You're Will Bailey?
- Yes.
Sam told me you wanted to see me
about a job on the speechwriting staff.
Well, he told me that you wanted help
with the inauguration.
- He did?
- Yeah.
Sam's doing a little matchmaking.
I'm fine doing this by myself.
- That's it?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Your garbage can is on fire.
Yeah. It's not personal.
A speech like this...
Obviously, it's...
It takes a certain amount
of experience...
...and a certain something.
Out of curiosity, how do you know
I don't have the something?
Because you don't have
the experience.
Okay.
- Well, it was nice meeting you.
- You too.
I was president of Cambridge Union
on a Marshall Scholarship.
And I've written for
three congressional races.
I read the Stanford Club speech.
It was good.
- Not as good as other people thought.
- Yeah?
Call and response won't work
in a Joint Session.
You're alliteration-happy."Guardians
of gridlock, protectors of privilege."
I needed an avalanche of Advil.
When you use pop-culture references,
speeches have a shelf life of 12 minutes.
- You don't mind constructive criticism?
- No, sir.
Anyway, thanks for coming in.
I told Sam I can do this by myself.
Well...
...maybe he thought that your speeches
were obscurantist policy tracts...
...Iost in a cul-de-sac of
their own self-righteousness...
...and groaning from
the weight of statistics.
I'm just speculating.
I can't say for sure.
A 500-word stanza
on American leadership...
...in a globally-interdependent age
that moves beyond triumphalism...
...by this time tomorrow.
If it's 501, don't show it to me.
- You wanted to see me?
- I need a favor.
The president's gonna get a phone call,
and I don't want him to take it.
And I don't want him to know why.
First part is okay, the second
part gets ethically tricky.
The U.N. has had a decades-old
conflict with New York City.
Foreign diplomats will park anywhere
they want, and they get tickets.
- And?
- Don't pay them.
That's where our action begins,
because every once in a while...
...the city goes on a jihad and tows
all their cars and that's just happened.
Someone's complaining
to the president?
- Yes.
- Who?
The secretary-general.
You want him to dodge a call...
...from the U.N. secretary-general
and not know why?
Yeah, could you swing that?
That would be troubling, wouldn't it?
I gotta keep the knucklehead stuff
off his desk. And this is worse.
This is actually hot-button knucklehead.
This could be a thing.
If he knows why the secretary's calling,
he's gonna lose it.
- And he's gonna be in it.
- Yes, sir.
What do you think about Vickie Hilton?
I don't think you can ask someone
to control who they fall in love with.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You wanted to see me?
- I did.
Because I read a set of brief remarks
for the Better Housing Conferences.
Is this something you usually read?
- No.
- Why are you reading it?
Because I don't usually read it.
I noticed...
...the writing has a quality you don't
usually find in these remarks.
Usually, it's written by
a guy in the shop.
We're shorthanded there.
I did it myself.
Instead of FHA-insured home loans,
you wrote FEMA-insured home loans.
- I meant FHA.
- Yeah. FEMA doesn't insure home loans.
They don't insure.
They come in after a tornado.
I know that.
What do you want to do
with Sam gone for 3 months?
- We talked about this.
- As long as you know what you're doing.
- The adjustment period with me...
- You adjusted to Sam.
- Maybe. If I did, it was, like, a week ago.
- You could try to...
- Who? Who would you get?
- There are people out there.
There are not people who...
You're like the guys who say:
"You could only find one
African-American speechwriter...
...good enough to work at
the White House?" I'm amazed I did.
Good enough to work here
is a small population to begin with.
And guys who can write entire sections
of a State of the Union...
...I'd be surprised if there were
nine of us. Sam was one of them.
Okay.
What do you think about Vickie Hilton?
I think we invested time and money
teaching her how to fly a warplane...
...which it turns out she does very well.
There aren't that many who do...
...so I pick national security over
caring who she sleeps with.
Josh talked to me today.
- It can't go in the Oval Office?
- No, it can't.
Except I have a woman problem.
Is Jordan pestering you?
I'm getting it from Andy on this.
No, Toby, I meant a women's issue.
The constituency of women.
- Yeah.
- Jordy hasn't shut up about Hilton.
- This is what I'm saying.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
Okay. Thank you.
What the hell is going on with the seats?
- I wouldn't worry about it.
- I'm not worried. I just read about it.
News magazines aren't here every day.
Empty seats look bad...
...so I moved them.
I think you shouldn't comment.
I'll say,"Sit your ass where you're told
and get to work."
I don't think you should.
Mr. President? Secretary-general.
- No.
- I'm sorry?
Sir, you can't take that call yet.
Toby wanted you to see
a new memo on Rwanda...
...before you two spoke,
and I forgot to tell the switchboard.
Okay.
- We'll have to return.
- Thank you, sir.
- You're gonna take care of it?
- I'll have a camera moved.
Sorry to hear you're caving,
but whatever.
- I'm not caving, sir.
- Okay, but still, whatever.
- Mr. President.
- Come on in.
- You'd asked for the CEC briefing.
- Thanks.
This is Jack Reese.
He's working for Nancy.
This is Josh Lyman, C.J. Cregg.
- Commander.
- How are you?
They're talking about a force-level
data fusion network.
- Yes, sir.
- Nancy thinks France will come around...
...after the North Sea exercise.
- She does, sir, yes.
- You agree?
- I do, sir.
- Okay.
- Thanks very much, everybody.
- Thank you, Mr. President.
- Thank you, Mr. President.
Thank you.
- Commander?
- Yeah?
Hi, I'm Josh Lyman.
We just met in there.
Yeah.
This conversation you and I are having
right now, it was not my idea to have it.
This must be distinctly understood.
- Is anything wrong?
- You've met my assistant, Donna.
Yeah, she was outside
when I went to vote.
She wanted to trade with a Ritchie
voter. She filled out her ballot wrong...
...and I thought it was kind of cool.
If you like that, she nearly got arrested
once when she got her arm stuck...
...in a mailbox trying to retrieve a letter
she wrote to llie Nastase.
She once left her underpants at an art
opening, and after a summit in Belarus...
...she tried to smuggle 11 scented
Minsk candles into an overnight bag.
- They evacuated the terminal.
- Really?
Yeah.
Okay.
- Was there something I can do for you?
- No.
Okay. Good meeting you.
You too.
Josh?
- Perfect timing.
- Why?
- I just talked to him.
- Jack?
- Yeah.
- And?
- I did well. I think I fanned the flame.
- Does he want to go out?
- I think so.
- What did he say?
He thought it was cool that you were
looking for someone to trade votes.
- What did you say?
- I told him...
...there are plenty more
where that came from.
- What do you mean?
- I told him about llie Nastase.
- Why?
- What do you mean?
Why did you tell him that?
- It went with the vote-swapping theme.
- No, it goes with the crazy theme.
- What else did you say?
- The scented Minsk candles.
- Josh...
- These are endearing stories.
If you know me,
if you already like me.
These aren't stories I would've told
when trying to get the job.
When you were trying to get the job,
you pretended you'd already gotten it.
Underwear at an art gallery
wasn't gonna change my mind.
- You told him about the underwear?
- Again, endearing.
Karen Cahill had me flummoxed.
Did you tell him that?
I think the underwear speaks for itself.
- You have to go back.
- Why?
- He'll think I'm flaky.
- He won't care.
- Why?
- Guys will go out with anybody.
That hasn't been my experience.
- Go back.
- I am not gonna...
I have done many
humiliating things for you.
Okay, but I'm gonna work for a while
on making people's lives better.
How long's that gonna... Take?
- You'll talk to Berryhill?
- Yes.
- He wants to feel loved.
- Yes.
Make him feel loved.
I want him in the Cabinet.
- Yeah, he's gonna feel all kinds of love.
- Thank you.
Josh saw me yesterday
about Vickie Hilton.
- You think we should get involved?
- No.
But you're gonna have problems
with the women.
- Abbey and the girls?
- No.
I gotta tell you, I've been hearing it
from Abbey and the girls.
- What do you think?
- It stays out.
No, I meant about Vickie Hilton.
She disobeyed an order.
You can't do that.
Sure. Yes.
But isn't there some question
as to whether it's practical...
...to give that order at all?
You want pilots overruling their superiors
with regard to what's practical or not?
I'm saying there are a few sides to this.
That's for sure,
and you've just heard mine.
But we'll hear no others because
we don't want it in the Oval Office.
Right.
Okay. Anything else?
Thank you, Mr. President.
Mitch.
- Good morning.
- I hope you weren't waiting.
Just a minute.
Well, you win, I lose.
I don't want this to be a story. I want
the president to be able to function.
I'm moving the news magazines
back up front. I apologize.
I appreciate that.
When you're not here, there'll be a sign
on your chair with your name.
I've given C-SPAN permission
for a second camera position...
...that's on your seat so the director
can go there at his or her discretion.
- Are you kidding about this?
- No.
If you're not here, get a seat-filler,
and they better be prepared.
They're gonna be called on for the honor
of the first question.
This should be about other people,
don't you think?
As a matter of fact, I do.
I know. Happy Thanksgiving, Mitch.
Happy Thanksgiving.
By the way, Danny Concanon won
a Pulitzer Prize from the fourth row.
Danny's more talented than I am.
See you, Mitch.
Come in.
- Hey, Josh.
- I'm really sorry to bother you.
- I'm just working.
- What are you working on?
A memo for the C.O.
at a radar station in the Arctic Circle.
- You ever been there?
- Yeah.
What's it like?
Small-town feel, nice people
and a terrific symphony...
...if you like classical music with
a Pops orchestra on Sundays.
Really?
No. There's no symphony or people.
Right. But on the other hand,
Sunday night does last six months.
Listen, it occurs to me that...
You know, I mentioned Donna before,
and it occurs to me that I told you...
That I named some things
that tickled me.
I don't know. I wouldn't want to leave
you with the impression that she was...
You know, anyway, if you wanted to ask
her out, she'd probably say yes.
Hey, Josh...
...I'm new here and I wanna do well.
I don't wanna get
in between anything.
In between anything?
I have an aide who, in my life,
I haven't talked about...
...as much as you've talked about
Donna in our entire relationship...
...which is a total of seven minutes old.
- No, no, no.
- You sure?
- Tell me your aide's name.
- I'll ask her out. We'll double.
- Chief Petty Officer Harold Wendell.
I got the fuzzy end of that lollipop.
I don't know, Wendell's not"cute" cute,
but he's so funny.
So that's it, we're done
talking about Donna.
Whose full name is Donnatella,
by the way.
Her mom's Italian, dad's Irish.
Okay. Thanks.
Leo's wrong. Are we to live with
the assumption that there are no men...
...in the services
who've committed adultery?
What's worse, being stupid
or pretending to be stupid?
- Tell him that.
- Yes, sir.
No, I'm gonna do it.
Eisenhower and Kay Summersby,
a subordinate.
Hammond, with the wives
of two junior officers.
So G.I. Jane gets a court-martial.
G.I. Joe gets a short film on hygiene?
That is all I have to say to you.
- Feel better, sir?
- I forgot to tell him something else.
The Uniform Code of Military Justice,
Article 134...
...which exists to ensure that soldiers
will risk their life for each other.
You'll agree without that, there isn't
a point in having Articles 1 through 133.
Nobody ordered Eisenhower
to stop seeing Summersby.
Because men don't give
that order to other men.
Excuse me, but did you not fire
our ambassador to...
...somewhere in South America
because he was messing around...
The daughter of the president of Brazil,
which was a political problem for me!
I didn't fire him. I asked him to resign,
and I set him up in the private sector.
If you think the difference is semantic,
look up"dishonorable discharge"...
...Iook up Fort Leavenworth.
Sir, it's the secretary-general again.
- Yeah.
- No, you can't take that, sir.
I read the memo on Rwanda.
Average rainfall 9 inches? That's
the memo Toby wanted me to read?
- On short notice, yes.
- I told him to pass-block on the call.
- Why?
- Parking tickets.
Now, please, don't leap into it. Don't...
There are big signs!
You can't park there!
They should get towed!
I hope they get towed to Queens!
And the Triborough is closed!
And there's a big craft show at Shea,
a flea market or a tractor show!
Well, that was probably his secretary.
- Damn it!
- You can bet she'll park in a garage.
Do you really think...
...Vickie Hilton is unable to distinguish
between this order and a combat order?
This was a combat order.
They're all combat orders.
When you order a guy to go fight...
...he can't think it's because
you're sleeping with his wife.
- You're right.
- That's...
That's an unusual phrase for you.
You just learn it?
- Let me finish. I may also be right.
- I had a hunch.
We get five more people,
we'll have eight opinions.
- That's right.
- So let's.
It's Pentagon.
And two elections in a row,
people said they wanted me to run that.
There are issues of chain of command
and command influence.
I'm not talking about overruling
anyone or pardoning anyone...
...I'm just talking about having people
over and asking questions.
I like basketball, but I can't play.
I played in prep school and liked being
on the team, but I didn't want the ball.
The coach said,
"Winners always want the ball."
I said,"Coach, winners
are also better than I am."
He said,"To be a winner,
you've got to think like a winner."
I said,"Coach, to be a winner,
you've also gotta be better than I am."
Anyway, he was right.
Winners want the ball.
I don't think I ever wanna hear
"It's too sticky for the Oval Office."
Except for parking tickets,
you cheap-ass diplomats!
Read that whole memo on Rwanda,
by the way.
- What are you smiling at?
- Nothing.
Are we together on this?
Do we have resolve?
We got four years, no election and
a Republican Congress that hates me...
...and actually hates you more.
You ready to saddle up?
Well, I serve at
the president's pleasure...
...and it's kind of nice for me too.
All right. Good, then.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Hey.
I think he's gonna call you.
He already did.
Thank you, thank you.
He asked me to have a drink tonight.
I'd love to go home, shower and change.
The two CBO reports are right on
your desk, as is the East Asia paper.
Your call sheet is clear. If there's
anything else, I'm happy to come in early.
- Could I go?
- What time is it?
- A quarter to 8.
- Sure.
Thanks. I really like him.
Have a good time.
Those are good stories
about you, though.
Those stories would
make me like you.
You like everybody.
- Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
- Yeah.
You won't be coming in early.
You won't be coming in at all.
- Is there anything you need?
- No, I'm just saying.
Okay.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- You too.
I'm not obsessed, you know.
- I'm sorry?
- I'm not obsessed.
I'm just a fan and I care.
- What was your name again?
- Janice.
I'm a fan.
I'm a sports fan, I'm a music fan,
and I'm a Star Trek fan, all of them.
But here's what I don't do.
Tell me if any of this sounds familiar:
Let's list our 10 favorite episodes.
Let's list our least favorite episodes.
Let's list our favorite galaxies.
Let's make a chart to see how often
they appear in our favorite episodes.
What Romulan would you couple
with a Cardassian, and why?
Let's talk about Romulans
falling in love with Cardassians...
...and then let's do it again.
That's not being a fan.
That's having a fetish.
And I don't have a problem
with that...
...except you can't bring
your hobbies into work, okay?
Got it.
Except on Star Trek holidays.
There's no such thing
as a Star Trek holiday.
Well, work hard around here,
we'll make one.
"Not just a chance, but a mission...
...unique in all of human...
To prove that liberty is...
To prove that...
...freedom unlocks...
...a higher fraction
of the human potential than...
Than any..."
Four hundred and ninety-eight,
but with my name it's 500.
This is mine.
- Stop reading mine.
- Actually, it's...
Stop reading it, please.
We can't offer you any money.
We can put you up in a hotel.
I work with someone.
- She's my stepsister, actually.
- That's fine, but she's on your payroll.
This is incredibly good, Will.
"Never shrinking from the world's..."
"A fierce belief in what we can
achieve together."
I used to write like this.
It was 10 months ago.
I don't understand what's going on.
I really don't.
I've had slumps before, everybody does.
But this is different.
I'm sorry. We don't know each other...
...but there aren't that many people
I can talk to about it.
I don't understand...
...what's happening.
There's no blood going to it.
I never had to locate it before.
I don't even know where to look.
I'm the president's voice,
and I don't want him to sound like this.
And there's an incredible history
to second inaugurals.
"Fear itself," Lincoln.
I really thought I was on my way
to being one of those guys.
I thought I was close.
Now I'm just writing for my life and
you can't serve a president that way.
But if I didn't write...
...I can't serve him at all.
Yeah.
Can I tell you three things?
You are more in need of a night in
Atlantic City than any man I've ever met.
Number two is, the last thing you need
to worry about is no blood going there.
You've got blood going there about
13 ways and some of it isn't good.
Once again, I say Atlantic City.
I'd say sit down at a table...
...go for dinner, see a show, take a walk
on the boardwalk and smell the salt air...
...but if you're like me, nothing after
"sit down at a table" is gonna happen.
What's the third thing?
You are one of those guys.
This is an inning of good relief pitching
from a fresh arm.
All right.
All right. Chances are you have certain
qualities that are gonna annoy me.
I don't know what they are yet, but
you have a certain quality that says...
...you were schooled in
Eastern philosophies.
I told you to go to Atlantic City.
You didn't deny you've been schooled
in Eastern philosophies.
Well-schooled.
You want me to locate your chakra?
- Look...
- I'm a lawyer.
Good. They're never annoying.
Okay.
I'm glad you liked what I wrote.
I'm pretty tired.
I've been tired for a pretty long time,
and you've been tired even longer.
I'm getting on a plane tonight
and going to Nice...
...and I'm gonna stay there
for a few weeks.
When I get back, it'd be a privilege to
give you all the help you ask for.
Well, I appreciate that.
Oh, man, I forgot.
Sam wanted me to give you this.
- You didn't give it to me yesterday.
- You know what? Not your FedEx guy.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
Unless you wanna start now.
Yeah.
Isn't this a strange time to be
moving into your office?
I'm the 2 a.m. watch commander
in the Situation Room tonight.
Why didn't you tell me
you worked here?
The RNC exits,
a dead candidate, a rainstorm.
I'm at the Hyatt
in Newport Beach...
... with the Horton Wilde campaign, and
the place is going absolutely berserk.
Bonnie, Ginger, get me Will Bailey,
get me Kay Wilde. Very quickly, please.
- You're the nominee.
- There isn't a nominee.
- Everyone's on the ballot.
- Is there another Democrat?
- No.
- You're the nominee.
- Good morning, sir.
- What's doing?
You're going to hear a story
this morning.
Am I a character in it?
I suppose that's up to you.
Navy pilot lieutenant commander
Vickie Hilton has been arrested...
...by the military police and charged by the
judge with having an affair...
...with a married officer,
an inferior officer, a lieutenant j.g.
I don't see being a character.
- Well, heads up anyway.
- Thank you.
- Good morning, sir. How'd it go?
- It could've gone better.
I didn't think adultery was
against the uniform code.
- We're talking about Vickie Hilton?
- It's against military law?
No. They don't like fraternization,
but it's not the affair...
...it's failure to follow orders.
- To stop?
- Yeah.
- What can she get?
- Jail for two years.
- For failure to follow an order?
- Sure.
- We should have that here.
- Morning, Mr. President.
- Mr. Secretary, ladies and gentlemen.
And welcome to the final
cabinet meeting of Bartlet One.
I don't know if this is true,
but a presidential historian told me...
...that this was the most stable Cabinet
since Hoover's...
...which is nice, but think how many
other jobs were really available.
But here are facts:
You created over nine million new jobs...
...and the highest home ownership
rate on record.
More than 150 new trade agreements.
You created the largest expansion
of college aid since the G.I. Bill...
...cleaned up over 500
toxic waste dumps...
...and you did it all while eliminating
16,000 pages of federal regulations.
Not bad for government work.
Thank you.
I'll add my thanks, and I'll need
your letters of resignation by 7:00.
There have been more Shehab missile
tests. Is the White House concerned?
We are. I think all the Bahrain
signatories are.
We're expressing that concern through
the appropriate channels. John?
Can you give us a preview
of the APEC address?
He's been working out
some new material...
...and it has absolutely been
destroying on the campuses.
Showtime will have their cameras
at APEC to record it...
...for the president's one-hour special
called Bartlet: In the Thick of lt.
- So no.
- No. I'll finish with a little housekeeping.
For any who don't know, in a two-term
presidency, as a matter of courtesy...
...the president's Cabinet resigns
without being asked...
...giving the president the option
of hiring them, rather than firing them.
Those resignations will be
submitted today. That's all. Thanks.
- C.J.? Can we talk?
- Yeah. Sure.
- About what?
- About what?
- What's wrong?
- Seats. What happened?
I moved the news magazines
to the fourth row.
- I noticed. Why?
- It isn't a thing, Mitch.
There are cameras in here
framing part of the gallery.
News magazines aren't here every day,
so they get empty seats.
- We're in the front row.
- We're safe after row three.
- So I put you guys in four.
- It's a slap in the face.
- I certainly didn't mean it as one.
- It is.
Mitch, I put you in the very first row
I don't care about.
Of the things I don't care about, I put
you right up front. I'll see you later.
You should amend that in a statement to
say that the resignations are effective...
...whenever they are effective.
- I did.
He'll remember he doesn't say a word
about labor without running it past AFL?
- Is he?
- Yeah.
He's gotta go door-to-door.
He hasn't lived there since he was 18.
- He knows.
- What about high school snapshots?
He knows.
You're taking the Lakers banner?
Yeah.
There's a shortage of them
in Southern California?
- Leave it, and leave the stapler...
- It's a West Wing office.
- Someone's gonna use it.
- And they might need a stapler. It's ours.
Right.
You've logged a lot of miles
in the last couple of weeks.
Well, I had to go get nominated,
and then set up the office...
...and then meet every member
of the California Democratic Party.
Listen, there's no way
I'm gonna be able to help...
...which is worse for me
than it is for you.
I wasn't counting on it.
- You gonna use Michael?
- From the staff?
- Yeah.
- Michael's who you use...
...when you need brief remarks
to whoever...
...wrote the check
we couldn't turn down.
What about Jerry?
Jerry's who you use when
you can't get Michael.
There's no one on the speechwriting
staff who can do this. It's okay.
That's a big job to do by yourself.
- You're gonna remember the local AFL?
- Yeah.
- Gotta go door-to-door.
- I know.
You were 18 when you lived there.
You want a hug?
Put the banner back.
I'll see you next week.
There are some new people.
Cabinet Affairs installed temps for
staff during the vetting period.
- Which is good.
- But?
- I'm not one to give fashion advice...
- You're not.
- But one of them...
- Sorry.
One of them is wearing...
...a Star Trek pin.
- Is today a special Star Trek holiday?
- How the hell would I know?
Okay, well, then would you
find out and if it's not...
People walk through here,
and it's not the most...
...confidence-inspiring sight to see
in an employee, so ask her to...
- It's a her?
- Yeah. I have my briefing memo?
Thank you.
Hang on. I'm doing you a favor,
now you have to do me one.
You're there, but you're not getting it.
When it's something you're paid to do,
that's not a favor.
- What do you got?
- Nancy McNally has a new military aide...
...named Jack Reese. We've talked a
few times. Ask him if he likes me.
Wow, I'm definitely
not gonna do that.
How many girls have I gotten for you?
Aren't these women who've said to you,
"Is that Josh Lyman?"
- Yes.
- And you've said...?
- Yes, every time.
- I'll properly ID you for him no problem.
Just a bit. All you have to do...
...is introduce yourself and remind him
that I work for you.
I can't, Potsie. Ralph and I are
double dating with the Dubrusky twins.
I am asking for something very little,
and you know how lame I am at this.
That's true.
- That was for the fashion...
- Yes.
- You'll do it?
- What are you doing here?
Hey. She's got an appointment
with you.
We're running about
15 minutes behind.
- At 10:00? That's a half-hour ahead.
- We're very proud.
- What's this about?
- You'll do it?
Yes. I know what the meeting's about.
It's about Vickie Hilton.
I'm here in no official capacity,
and I'm wielding nothing...
...but the League of Professional Women
asked me if I could help...
...get them time with the president.
There's no way the White House is
gonna get involved. It's a military thing.
Civilians run the military.
Not only is it okay to get involved...
...it's the law.
The commander in chief chooses
not to overrule his commanders.
He chooses without hearing
informed argument?
Yes, because then when he says no,
I've got a problem with women.
My friends and I can give him a problem
with women right now.
- What happened to"wielding nothing"?
- I forgot women got him reelected.
- Evidently you did too.
-"Evidently you did too."
I met her last night. This is a special girl.
I want to speak up for her.
- We'll talk in 15 minutes.
-"We'll talk in 15 minutes."
- Shut up.
- You shut up.
Oh, God help me some days.
You really don't have to
do that anymore.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Where you going?
What'd you settle on?
- Nice.
- Excellent.
I like to stay at the Hotel Beau Rivage,
but I think that's a little pricey for you.
Actually, I'm staying at the Villa Ephrussi
de Rothschild at Saint-Jean-Cap-Ferrat.
It's not a hotel, I guess,
quite so much as it's, well, a castle.
- Yeah. This is a family connection?
- Yeah.
- All of Europe is for you, isn't it?
- Parts of Asia.
- When's the plane leave?
- Three hours.
Remember to put the county clerk
in the boat...
...remember Nina Mercer and light rail.
Listen, I wouldn't ask you to postpone
if it wasn't important.
When did you ask me to postpone?
I'm obviously about to right now.
Okay, well, then your shoelaces
are untied and I'm hauling ass.
Toby Ziegler needs your help
on a speech for the president.
You have an OEOB
full of speechwriters.
Not everybody there does
this kind of speechwriting.
At this moment, not anybody there
does this kind.
- You're kidding.
- No.
- Maybe you'll do something about that?
- I don't work there...
...at the moment.
- I won. I'm sorry.
- How many times do I have to say it?
- You're not done yet.
It'd be a privilege to write
for the president...
...but I'm just too tired
to do it well.
This was a really hard campaign. A guy
died from it. This campaign had fatalities.
When is the president
giving the speech?
January 20th.
The president's giving
two speeches the 20th?
No, just the inauguration.
Sure. And Toby wants me?
Yeah, because of the Tillman speech.
You're flying in that direction. I thought
you could meet in Washington...
...and meet with Toby.
- Yeah.
- I'll set up the appointment.
I'll change my flight.
- Give this to Toby when you get there?
- Yeah.
The latest talks, would you say they
show a shift by the White House...
...away from containing
greenhouse gas?
No. The president's
fully committed to Kyoto...
...and thinks it's time we adapt
to the impact of greenhouse gases.
- Mark?
- Commander Vickie Hilton is quoted...
I'm gonna stop you and direct
you to the Pentagon. Mitch?
C.J., I wanted to ask about
your reshuffling of the seats.
Well, we discussed that,
but if you want to talk more...
- You made a unilateral decision.
- It's my house.
But I consulted with the White House
Correspondents Association.
You did it because you don't like
our coverage.
Or your attitude, but that's not why.
Thank you.
- Thank you, C.J.
- Thanks, C.J.
- Okay, I'm going to see Fitzwallace.
- Yeah.
Hey, I see she's not wearing
the pin anymore. Thanks.
She was worked up about it.
- Why?
- I don't know.
All right, hang on.
- Hi, I'm Josh Lyman.
- Janice Trumbull.
I wanted you to take off the pin,
just around the White House.
- You understand.
- I'm appealing your request to Stacy.
- I'm sorry?
- My supervisor is Stacy.
Right, except Stacy works for me.
Okay, well, you got the cards...
...but Star Trek and the entire
Starfleet series...
...is about honor,
loyalty and civic duty.
If you don't think these characteristics
should be displayed here, that's sad...
...but I wouldn't expect you
to understand those kinds of things.
Anything else?
No.
See what I mean?
- What?
- She is...
...well, one of the special people.
- Yeah.
She's taken off the pin.
We're gonna let it be.
I'm assuming you haven't
talked to him yet?
Right. What do you think
about Vickie Hilton?
- You know what I think.
- No, I mean...
...whether it's right for us
to be involved.
That's a harder question.
I've been thinking...
You've gotta go faster next time.
- I'm here already.
- Yeah.
Mr. Chairman, thank you.
I hope you haven't been waiting.
No, I never get to read
the sports section anymore.
- I think I know what this is about.
- Yeah.
There's gonna be pressure from women
for the president to intercede...
...and I was hoping we could
intercede without involving him.
These things are handled
at the commander's level in the Navy.
I wouldn't step in unless it's
the president's pleasure to order me.
I understand.
I guess, also, the thing is
that she isn't just any pilot.
She's like Jackie Robinson.
She's busted a lot of barriers.
The first woman at Miramar,
first woman to fly the F-14 Tomcat...
...she teaches on an F-14...
I guess I don't have to
give you her r?sum?.
No. But could you tell me more about
Jackie Robinson and breaking barriers?
Just out of curiosity, if you could,
would you save her?
No. I'd discharge her dishonorably...
...and I'm sure that's gonna happen.
I have to tell you,
it just doesn't seem right to me.
I know it doesn't.
You know I have all the respect
in the world for you?
- Yes.
- And if I didn't...
...I'd respect the uniform,
the rank and position.
What is it, son?
I feel like I have to go to Leo.
Good. That's the way
it's supposed to work.
Yeah?
Excuse me. They told me to knock
on the door. I'm Will Bailey.
- Oh, we have an appointment, right?
- Yeah.
Come on in.
- Sit down.
- Thanks.
- Will Bailey.
- Yes.
So you want a job
on the speechwriting staff.
- I'm sorry?
- A job on the speechwriting staff?
No.
- I'm sorry?
- I don't want a job on the staff.
- You're Will Bailey?
- Yes.
Sam told me you wanted to see me
about a job on the speechwriting staff.
Well, he told me that you wanted help
with the inauguration.
- He did?
- Yeah.
Sam's doing a little matchmaking.
I'm fine doing this by myself.
- That's it?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Your garbage can is on fire.
Yeah. It's not personal.
A speech like this...
Obviously, it's...
It takes a certain amount
of experience...
...and a certain something.
Out of curiosity, how do you know
I don't have the something?
Because you don't have
the experience.
Okay.
- Well, it was nice meeting you.
- You too.
I was president of Cambridge Union
on a Marshall Scholarship.
And I've written for
three congressional races.
I read the Stanford Club speech.
It was good.
- Not as good as other people thought.
- Yeah?
Call and response won't work
in a Joint Session.
You're alliteration-happy."Guardians
of gridlock, protectors of privilege."
I needed an avalanche of Advil.
When you use pop-culture references,
speeches have a shelf life of 12 minutes.
- You don't mind constructive criticism?
- No, sir.
Anyway, thanks for coming in.
I told Sam I can do this by myself.
Well...
...maybe he thought that your speeches
were obscurantist policy tracts...
...Iost in a cul-de-sac of
their own self-righteousness...
...and groaning from
the weight of statistics.
I'm just speculating.
I can't say for sure.
A 500-word stanza
on American leadership...
...in a globally-interdependent age
that moves beyond triumphalism...
...by this time tomorrow.
If it's 501, don't show it to me.
- You wanted to see me?
- I need a favor.
The president's gonna get a phone call,
and I don't want him to take it.
And I don't want him to know why.
First part is okay, the second
part gets ethically tricky.
The U.N. has had a decades-old
conflict with New York City.
Foreign diplomats will park anywhere
they want, and they get tickets.
- And?
- Don't pay them.
That's where our action begins,
because every once in a while...
...the city goes on a jihad and tows
all their cars and that's just happened.
Someone's complaining
to the president?
- Yes.
- Who?
The secretary-general.
You want him to dodge a call...
...from the U.N. secretary-general
and not know why?
Yeah, could you swing that?
That would be troubling, wouldn't it?
I gotta keep the knucklehead stuff
off his desk. And this is worse.
This is actually hot-button knucklehead.
This could be a thing.
If he knows why the secretary's calling,
he's gonna lose it.
- And he's gonna be in it.
- Yes, sir.
What do you think about Vickie Hilton?
I don't think you can ask someone
to control who they fall in love with.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You wanted to see me?
- I did.
Because I read a set of brief remarks
for the Better Housing Conferences.
Is this something you usually read?
- No.
- Why are you reading it?
Because I don't usually read it.
I noticed...
...the writing has a quality you don't
usually find in these remarks.
Usually, it's written by
a guy in the shop.
We're shorthanded there.
I did it myself.
Instead of FHA-insured home loans,
you wrote FEMA-insured home loans.
- I meant FHA.
- Yeah. FEMA doesn't insure home loans.
They don't insure.
They come in after a tornado.
I know that.
What do you want to do
with Sam gone for 3 months?
- We talked about this.
- As long as you know what you're doing.
- The adjustment period with me...
- You adjusted to Sam.
- Maybe. If I did, it was, like, a week ago.
- You could try to...
- Who? Who would you get?
- There are people out there.
There are not people who...
You're like the guys who say:
"You could only find one
African-American speechwriter...
...good enough to work at
the White House?" I'm amazed I did.
Good enough to work here
is a small population to begin with.
And guys who can write entire sections
of a State of the Union...
...I'd be surprised if there were
nine of us. Sam was one of them.
Okay.
What do you think about Vickie Hilton?
I think we invested time and money
teaching her how to fly a warplane...
...which it turns out she does very well.
There aren't that many who do...
...so I pick national security over
caring who she sleeps with.
Josh talked to me today.
- It can't go in the Oval Office?
- No, it can't.
Except I have a woman problem.
Is Jordan pestering you?
I'm getting it from Andy on this.
No, Toby, I meant a women's issue.
The constituency of women.
- Yeah.
- Jordy hasn't shut up about Hilton.
- This is what I'm saying.
- All right.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
Okay. Thank you.
What the hell is going on with the seats?
- I wouldn't worry about it.
- I'm not worried. I just read about it.
News magazines aren't here every day.
Empty seats look bad...
...so I moved them.
I think you shouldn't comment.
I'll say,"Sit your ass where you're told
and get to work."
I don't think you should.
Mr. President? Secretary-general.
- No.
- I'm sorry?
Sir, you can't take that call yet.
Toby wanted you to see
a new memo on Rwanda...
...before you two spoke,
and I forgot to tell the switchboard.
Okay.
- We'll have to return.
- Thank you, sir.
- You're gonna take care of it?
- I'll have a camera moved.
Sorry to hear you're caving,
but whatever.
- I'm not caving, sir.
- Okay, but still, whatever.
- Mr. President.
- Come on in.
- You'd asked for the CEC briefing.
- Thanks.
This is Jack Reese.
He's working for Nancy.
This is Josh Lyman, C.J. Cregg.
- Commander.
- How are you?
They're talking about a force-level
data fusion network.
- Yes, sir.
- Nancy thinks France will come around...
...after the North Sea exercise.
- She does, sir, yes.
- You agree?
- I do, sir.
- Okay.
- Thanks very much, everybody.
- Thank you, Mr. President.
- Thank you, Mr. President.
Thank you.
- Commander?
- Yeah?
Hi, I'm Josh Lyman.
We just met in there.
Yeah.
This conversation you and I are having
right now, it was not my idea to have it.
This must be distinctly understood.
- Is anything wrong?
- You've met my assistant, Donna.
Yeah, she was outside
when I went to vote.
She wanted to trade with a Ritchie
voter. She filled out her ballot wrong...
...and I thought it was kind of cool.
If you like that, she nearly got arrested
once when she got her arm stuck...
...in a mailbox trying to retrieve a letter
she wrote to llie Nastase.
She once left her underpants at an art
opening, and after a summit in Belarus...
...she tried to smuggle 11 scented
Minsk candles into an overnight bag.
- They evacuated the terminal.
- Really?
Yeah.
Okay.
- Was there something I can do for you?
- No.
Okay. Good meeting you.
You too.
Josh?
- Perfect timing.
- Why?
- I just talked to him.
- Jack?
- Yeah.
- And?
- I did well. I think I fanned the flame.
- Does he want to go out?
- I think so.
- What did he say?
He thought it was cool that you were
looking for someone to trade votes.
- What did you say?
- I told him...
...there are plenty more
where that came from.
- What do you mean?
- I told him about llie Nastase.
- Why?
- What do you mean?
Why did you tell him that?
- It went with the vote-swapping theme.
- No, it goes with the crazy theme.
- What else did you say?
- The scented Minsk candles.
- Josh...
- These are endearing stories.
If you know me,
if you already like me.
These aren't stories I would've told
when trying to get the job.
When you were trying to get the job,
you pretended you'd already gotten it.
Underwear at an art gallery
wasn't gonna change my mind.
- You told him about the underwear?
- Again, endearing.
Karen Cahill had me flummoxed.
Did you tell him that?
I think the underwear speaks for itself.
- You have to go back.
- Why?
- He'll think I'm flaky.
- He won't care.
- Why?
- Guys will go out with anybody.
That hasn't been my experience.
- Go back.
- I am not gonna...
I have done many
humiliating things for you.
Okay, but I'm gonna work for a while
on making people's lives better.
How long's that gonna... Take?
- You'll talk to Berryhill?
- Yes.
- He wants to feel loved.
- Yes.
Make him feel loved.
I want him in the Cabinet.
- Yeah, he's gonna feel all kinds of love.
- Thank you.
Josh saw me yesterday
about Vickie Hilton.
- You think we should get involved?
- No.
But you're gonna have problems
with the women.
- Abbey and the girls?
- No.
I gotta tell you, I've been hearing it
from Abbey and the girls.
- What do you think?
- It stays out.
No, I meant about Vickie Hilton.
She disobeyed an order.
You can't do that.
Sure. Yes.
But isn't there some question
as to whether it's practical...
...to give that order at all?
You want pilots overruling their superiors
with regard to what's practical or not?
I'm saying there are a few sides to this.
That's for sure,
and you've just heard mine.
But we'll hear no others because
we don't want it in the Oval Office.
Right.
Okay. Anything else?
Thank you, Mr. President.
Mitch.
- Good morning.
- I hope you weren't waiting.
Just a minute.
Well, you win, I lose.
I don't want this to be a story. I want
the president to be able to function.
I'm moving the news magazines
back up front. I apologize.
I appreciate that.
When you're not here, there'll be a sign
on your chair with your name.
I've given C-SPAN permission
for a second camera position...
...that's on your seat so the director
can go there at his or her discretion.
- Are you kidding about this?
- No.
If you're not here, get a seat-filler,
and they better be prepared.
They're gonna be called on for the honor
of the first question.
This should be about other people,
don't you think?
As a matter of fact, I do.
I know. Happy Thanksgiving, Mitch.
Happy Thanksgiving.
By the way, Danny Concanon won
a Pulitzer Prize from the fourth row.
Danny's more talented than I am.
See you, Mitch.
Come in.
- Hey, Josh.
- I'm really sorry to bother you.
- I'm just working.
- What are you working on?
A memo for the C.O.
at a radar station in the Arctic Circle.
- You ever been there?
- Yeah.
What's it like?
Small-town feel, nice people
and a terrific symphony...
...if you like classical music with
a Pops orchestra on Sundays.
Really?
No. There's no symphony or people.
Right. But on the other hand,
Sunday night does last six months.
Listen, it occurs to me that...
You know, I mentioned Donna before,
and it occurs to me that I told you...
That I named some things
that tickled me.
I don't know. I wouldn't want to leave
you with the impression that she was...
You know, anyway, if you wanted to ask
her out, she'd probably say yes.
Hey, Josh...
...I'm new here and I wanna do well.
I don't wanna get
in between anything.
In between anything?
I have an aide who, in my life,
I haven't talked about...
...as much as you've talked about
Donna in our entire relationship...
...which is a total of seven minutes old.
- No, no, no.
- You sure?
- Tell me your aide's name.
- I'll ask her out. We'll double.
- Chief Petty Officer Harold Wendell.
I got the fuzzy end of that lollipop.
I don't know, Wendell's not"cute" cute,
but he's so funny.
So that's it, we're done
talking about Donna.
Whose full name is Donnatella,
by the way.
Her mom's Italian, dad's Irish.
Okay. Thanks.
Leo's wrong. Are we to live with
the assumption that there are no men...
...in the services
who've committed adultery?
What's worse, being stupid
or pretending to be stupid?
- Tell him that.
- Yes, sir.
No, I'm gonna do it.
Eisenhower and Kay Summersby,
a subordinate.
Hammond, with the wives
of two junior officers.
So G.I. Jane gets a court-martial.
G.I. Joe gets a short film on hygiene?
That is all I have to say to you.
- Feel better, sir?
- I forgot to tell him something else.
The Uniform Code of Military Justice,
Article 134...
...which exists to ensure that soldiers
will risk their life for each other.
You'll agree without that, there isn't
a point in having Articles 1 through 133.
Nobody ordered Eisenhower
to stop seeing Summersby.
Because men don't give
that order to other men.
Excuse me, but did you not fire
our ambassador to...
...somewhere in South America
because he was messing around...
The daughter of the president of Brazil,
which was a political problem for me!
I didn't fire him. I asked him to resign,
and I set him up in the private sector.
If you think the difference is semantic,
look up"dishonorable discharge"...
...Iook up Fort Leavenworth.
Sir, it's the secretary-general again.
- Yeah.
- No, you can't take that, sir.
I read the memo on Rwanda.
Average rainfall 9 inches? That's
the memo Toby wanted me to read?
- On short notice, yes.
- I told him to pass-block on the call.
- Why?
- Parking tickets.
Now, please, don't leap into it. Don't...
There are big signs!
You can't park there!
They should get towed!
I hope they get towed to Queens!
And the Triborough is closed!
And there's a big craft show at Shea,
a flea market or a tractor show!
Well, that was probably his secretary.
- Damn it!
- You can bet she'll park in a garage.
Do you really think...
...Vickie Hilton is unable to distinguish
between this order and a combat order?
This was a combat order.
They're all combat orders.
When you order a guy to go fight...
...he can't think it's because
you're sleeping with his wife.
- You're right.
- That's...
That's an unusual phrase for you.
You just learn it?
- Let me finish. I may also be right.
- I had a hunch.
We get five more people,
we'll have eight opinions.
- That's right.
- So let's.
It's Pentagon.
And two elections in a row,
people said they wanted me to run that.
There are issues of chain of command
and command influence.
I'm not talking about overruling
anyone or pardoning anyone...
...I'm just talking about having people
over and asking questions.
I like basketball, but I can't play.
I played in prep school and liked being
on the team, but I didn't want the ball.
The coach said,
"Winners always want the ball."
I said,"Coach, winners
are also better than I am."
He said,"To be a winner,
you've got to think like a winner."
I said,"Coach, to be a winner,
you've also gotta be better than I am."
Anyway, he was right.
Winners want the ball.
I don't think I ever wanna hear
"It's too sticky for the Oval Office."
Except for parking tickets,
you cheap-ass diplomats!
Read that whole memo on Rwanda,
by the way.
- What are you smiling at?
- Nothing.
Are we together on this?
Do we have resolve?
We got four years, no election and
a Republican Congress that hates me...
...and actually hates you more.
You ready to saddle up?
Well, I serve at
the president's pleasure...
...and it's kind of nice for me too.
All right. Good, then.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Hey.
I think he's gonna call you.
He already did.
Thank you, thank you.
He asked me to have a drink tonight.
I'd love to go home, shower and change.
The two CBO reports are right on
your desk, as is the East Asia paper.
Your call sheet is clear. If there's
anything else, I'm happy to come in early.
- Could I go?
- What time is it?
- A quarter to 8.
- Sure.
Thanks. I really like him.
Have a good time.
Those are good stories
about you, though.
Those stories would
make me like you.
You like everybody.
- Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
- Yeah.
You won't be coming in early.
You won't be coming in at all.
- Is there anything you need?
- No, I'm just saying.
Okay.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- You too.
I'm not obsessed, you know.
- I'm sorry?
- I'm not obsessed.
I'm just a fan and I care.
- What was your name again?
- Janice.
I'm a fan.
I'm a sports fan, I'm a music fan,
and I'm a Star Trek fan, all of them.
But here's what I don't do.
Tell me if any of this sounds familiar:
Let's list our 10 favorite episodes.
Let's list our least favorite episodes.
Let's list our favorite galaxies.
Let's make a chart to see how often
they appear in our favorite episodes.
What Romulan would you couple
with a Cardassian, and why?
Let's talk about Romulans
falling in love with Cardassians...
...and then let's do it again.
That's not being a fan.
That's having a fetish.
And I don't have a problem
with that...
...except you can't bring
your hobbies into work, okay?
Got it.
Except on Star Trek holidays.
There's no such thing
as a Star Trek holiday.
Well, work hard around here,
we'll make one.
"Not just a chance, but a mission...
...unique in all of human...
To prove that liberty is...
To prove that...
...freedom unlocks...
...a higher fraction
of the human potential than...
Than any..."
Four hundred and ninety-eight,
but with my name it's 500.
This is mine.
- Stop reading mine.
- Actually, it's...
Stop reading it, please.
We can't offer you any money.
We can put you up in a hotel.
I work with someone.
- She's my stepsister, actually.
- That's fine, but she's on your payroll.
This is incredibly good, Will.
"Never shrinking from the world's..."
"A fierce belief in what we can
achieve together."
I used to write like this.
It was 10 months ago.
I don't understand what's going on.
I really don't.
I've had slumps before, everybody does.
But this is different.
I'm sorry. We don't know each other...
...but there aren't that many people
I can talk to about it.
I don't understand...
...what's happening.
There's no blood going to it.
I never had to locate it before.
I don't even know where to look.
I'm the president's voice,
and I don't want him to sound like this.
And there's an incredible history
to second inaugurals.
"Fear itself," Lincoln.
I really thought I was on my way
to being one of those guys.
I thought I was close.
Now I'm just writing for my life and
you can't serve a president that way.
But if I didn't write...
...I can't serve him at all.
Yeah.
Can I tell you three things?
You are more in need of a night in
Atlantic City than any man I've ever met.
Number two is, the last thing you need
to worry about is no blood going there.
You've got blood going there about
13 ways and some of it isn't good.
Once again, I say Atlantic City.
I'd say sit down at a table...
...go for dinner, see a show, take a walk
on the boardwalk and smell the salt air...
...but if you're like me, nothing after
"sit down at a table" is gonna happen.
What's the third thing?
You are one of those guys.
This is an inning of good relief pitching
from a fresh arm.
All right.
All right. Chances are you have certain
qualities that are gonna annoy me.
I don't know what they are yet, but
you have a certain quality that says...
...you were schooled in
Eastern philosophies.
I told you to go to Atlantic City.
You didn't deny you've been schooled
in Eastern philosophies.
Well-schooled.
You want me to locate your chakra?
- Look...
- I'm a lawyer.
Good. They're never annoying.
Okay.
I'm glad you liked what I wrote.
I'm pretty tired.
I've been tired for a pretty long time,
and you've been tired even longer.
I'm getting on a plane tonight
and going to Nice...
...and I'm gonna stay there
for a few weeks.
When I get back, it'd be a privilege to
give you all the help you ask for.
Well, I appreciate that.
Oh, man, I forgot.
Sam wanted me to give you this.
- You didn't give it to me yesterday.
- You know what? Not your FedEx guy.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
Unless you wanna start now.
Yeah.