The West Wing (1999–2006): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Indians in the Lobby - full transcript

-Previously on The West Wing:
- One or two demands. No problem.

- I also need unfettered access to you.
- No.

- Respectfully...
- It's a deal breaker.

You didn't keep records,
you violated medical practices.

And in going after me,
they can paint the president.

- Can I offer Buckland...?
- No.

He's gonna mouth off.

Put it out he tried
to blackmail the president.

- Everyone will know the leak was us.
- You're pissed at me?

I don't believe it. I don't believe you.

- Abbey...
- Go to hell.



- I'm not wild about Camp David.
- Yes, sir.

I'm not the only one either.
Bess Truman didn't like it.

I read that somewhere.
She thought it was dull.

But there I go.
Thanksgiving at Camp David.

Yeah.

It's not a place you'd go at Thanksgiving,
not when you have a farm.

- Isn't Camp David a farm?
- No.

- What makes you think it's a farm?
- I don't know. It's outside.

Farms have things
you can grow and animals.

- Right.
- I want you to learn more about farms.

- There's more?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- It doesn't matter.

Thanksgiving's where your family is,
and this year my family's at Camp David.

Why? I do not know.



Abbey didn't wanna schlep
to New Hampshire.

Schlepping in a 747...

...it's not like we were
gonna have to carry our own bags.

But I do not argue.

- Were we talking about something?
- I don't know. When I came in here...

...back in the '50s
there was a purpose to it.

But then one thing led to another,
and I blacked out.

I can hang with the best,
but during the discussion...

...of anise, coriander
and the 15 spices...

...you like to use to baste a turkey,
I simply lost consciousness.

You know that line you're not
supposed to cross with the president?

- I'm coming up on it?
- No, no, look behind you.

Yes, sir.

- Would you like to leave?
- With your permission, sir.

- Damn right with my permission.
- Yes, sir.

It's the brine that keeps the meat soft.
Soak it overnight in water, salt, sugar...

- Seventeen kinds of...
- Seventeen spices, including?

- Anise and coriander.
- Now you can go.

Thank you, Mr. President.

- How you doing?
- I'm done, baby.

- Yeah?
- I set up the meeting with The Post.

I did a briefing on
the wheat-gluten import quota...

...we pardoned the turkey,
I went to my dentist.

So there are these
two Indians in the lobby.

Yeah?

No, that's not the beginning of a joke.
There are these two Indians in the lobby.

- Yeah?
- They had a meeting with Jacob Cutler...

...at Intergovernmental Affairs.

Cutler had to cancel so he
could see Northwestern...

...governors to discuss porous
borders between the U.S. and Canada.

The governors of Washington, Idaho,
North Dakota, Montana and Alaska.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

The Indians say they're not leaving
until they get satisfaction.

- How is this my problem?
- There's two Indians sitting in the lobby.

They're not leaving,
there's press everywhere...

...I just made it your problem.

Indians on the day before Thanksgiving.
Wow. Ironic.

Yeah.

Henry, I got it, thanks.
Good morning, I'm C.J. Cregg.

I'm Maggie Morningstar-Charles, and this
is our tribal counsel, Jack Lone Feather.

I'm sorry about your meeting. Mr. Cutler
had to meet with some governors.

Yes.

- It'll be no problem to reschedule.
- Oh, we can wait.

Would you like to step into my office
and reschedule it now?

- We're fine here.
- I'm sorry?

She said,"We're fine here."

- Actually, you're not fine here.
- Then you can forcibly remove us.

Correspondents from The Times, Reuters,
CNN and The Miami Herald are here.

And The Washington Post
is on speed dial.

This has to do with us screwing you
out of your land.

Yes.

See, I was done.

I was just coming to see you.
Did you hear about the Indians?

One of them wants to become a rabbi?

It's not a joke, they're really...
Never mind.

Last week, a 13-year-old kid in Georgia
shot his teacher in the back of the head.

I read about that.
They can't find the kid.

Interpol made the arrest
last night in Rome.

- In Italy?
- His parents... Yeah, Rome in Italy.

His parents sent him there as soon
as it happened.

The parents are in custody.

The governor wants him back,
and Italy won't extradite...

...to a country that has
the death penalty.

The governor wants Justice to help.

Why isn't this conversation taking place
in the DeKalb DA's office?

- It's taken on an international flavor.
- Much like myself.

- Yeah. You'll talk to some people?
- We'll see.

- And you'll stop doing that soon?
- Yeah.

- Sam?
- Yeah.

Are you guarding my office?

- That's funny.
- Thank you.

Yeah?

Monday, the OMB is putting out a new
formula for calculating the poverty level.

Does it need presidential approval
before it goes to Congress?

- Yeah.
- What's the problem?

It's a good news-bad news thing. Under
the new formula, poverty's up 2 percent.

It was anyone under 17,524 before,
now it's 20,000.

- What does that shake out to?
- 4 million new poor people.

- Four million?
- Yeah. Obviously, that's the bad news.

- Yeah.
- Good news is that more people...

...will be eligible for benefits.
- And taxpayers are nuts about that.

Back to the bad news, 4 million people
became poor on the president's watch?

They didn't become poor,
they were poor already.

- And now we're calling them poor.
- What's wrong with the old formula?

- I don't know.
- Find out.

It's possible that this is a statistical
reality and not a political fight.

Find out what was wrong with
the statistical reality of the old formula.

- Yeah.
- Do it today.

- Yeah.
- It's like the thing with the SAT scores...

...and I got dumber 20 years
after I went to college.

- It's a little like that.
- Talk to somebody.

Yeah.

- The Treaty of 1856...
- Yes, listen...

- We were moved to Wisconsin.
- This isn't a good place. This is a lobby.

- I know what this is.
- Yes.

I have a degree
from the University of Michigan.

- Look...
- Miss Cregg, if we give up this ground...

...we lose our one bullet in our gun.

We need to be in view of the press.

What tribe are you from?

We're Stockbridge-Munsee Indians.

Like Maggie was saying,
when we were moved to Wisconsin...

...we signed the Treaty of 1856.

In return, the government was supposed
to protect our reservations...

...provide education and health care,
and we would still be a sovereign nation.

- But then the Dawes Act came.
- You were forced to sell the land?

We went from 46,000 acres
of tribal land to 11,000.

The Dawes Act
was also supposed to civilize us.

Henry Dawes said to be civilized,
you must cultivate the land...

...wear civilized clothes, drive
Studebaker wagons and drink whiskey.

The drinking part
was particularly constructive advice.

Now, before we go any further...

...I should tell you there's absolutely
nothing I can do for you.

- Imagine our shock.
- Yes.

In two generations, we'll be wiped out.

- Did you get me a flight?
- Yes.

- One that gets me there for dinner?
- Yes.

- I don't change planes in Atlanta?
- No, you do have to change planes.

- I told you...
- You have to. Deal with it.

- There must be something.
- There's a 6: 10 to Orlando.

It gets in at 9: 15.
That's too late for dinner.

You could get a C-141 leaving Andrews,
but there's a problem with that too.

- A congressional investigation?
- All right, two problems.

- Find me something.
- Why is this being done last-minute?

And remember to scold me
a couple of times before I go.

Did you just decide
you were going home?

- I thought I was going to Connecticut.
- Why?

Because that's where the house is.

- Your mom sold the house months ago.
- I made a mistake.

- Forgot where your mother lives?
- I'm from Connecticut.

And like a swallow
to Capistrano, I have to...

Just find me a flight, would you?
And call Russell Angler...

...and tell him I need to see him
about the kid in Georgia.

I'm telling your mother
you forgot where she lives.

You're the girl I made
fun of in school, know that?

Yes, I do.

Donna, can I go in?

You don't know of any secret
flights to Palm Beach, do you?

- Yeah, but you change planes in Atlanta.
- Okay.

- Did you hear about this kid?
- The one who shot his teacher?

His parents, who are in custody,
FedEx'd him to Rome, which is in Italy.

- Are you kidding me?
- No, it's really in Italy.

- But that's not the best part.
- Italy won't extradite him.

- Italy won't extradite him.
- Because of the death penalty in Georgia?

They've come a long way
since Mussolini.

- You should mention that.
- I will.

So it turns out we've got
4 million new poor people.

- Since when?
- Well, yesterday, actually.

- The OMB's recommending a new model.
- Yes.

I'm not an expert, but wouldn't
we have a better chance...

...at getting re-elected if we could say
there are 4 million fewer poor people?

- Wait. I am an expert.
- We have a better chance...

...at getting re-elected if there were
4 million fewer poor people...

...but I'll talk to Bernice Collette.
- Try to get her not to recommend it?

Well, to hold off for a while anyway.

- You know Bernice?
- That's why I came to you.

- She's a little tough to warm up.
- I'll warm her up.

Yeah?

Jokes, nicknames, that sort of thing.

It sounds like you got
a pretty good plan.

- Anything I need to know?
- Don't go through the lobby.

- Why?
- Indians in the lobby.

- Is that code?
- No, there are Indians in the lobby.

Okay.

Bess Truman didn't like Camp David.
She thought it was dull. Doesn't matter.

As long as you've got an oven
that'll go to 320 degrees.

You take your turkey, which has been
soaking in water, salt, coriander...

Excuse me. Toby would like
to see you. Shall I send him in?

Yes.

- That's obviously a question for you, sir.
- She was asking me.

- I'll step out.
- Yeah.

- Good morning, sir.
- Hey.

Before anything else,
I was hoping I could impose on you...

...for as much information
as you can spare about a turkey.

- This a preemptive psychological thing?
- Yeah.

That's not going to work.

Yeah. You're gonna see
on next week's message calendar...

...there's a notation about a new
federal initiative to provide...

...Iow-cost cell phones
to neighborhood-watch groups.

I saw the message calendar. I'm having
difficulty navigating the color-coding.

The colors are areas.
Blue's education, green's economy.

It's a quick way to know
if we're getting enough hits.

There should be a color
for things I don't care about.

- Like what?
- Providing low-cost phone service...

...to neighborhood-watch groups.
- It's important.

- Really?
- Spot a crime, go to a payphone?

There's nothing wrong, it's just small.
I could fund this out of my pocket.

- It's $ 10 million.
- Leo could fund it out of his pocket.

Shouldn't this be local government,
like the YMCA or something?

We have an idea, which is popular,
which is that in addition...

...to passing large
and abstract legislation...

- Passed minute but easy to understand.
- Yes.

- How popular?
- Eighty-two percent.

- Get out of here.
- Hand to God.

Bring me that polling data.

What kind of stuffing
are we talking about?

Corn bread, oysters,
water chestnuts and andouille sausage.

- Gonna cook on the inside or separate?
- Inside.

- Make sure it cooks.
- It'll cook.

- If it doesn't, people will get sick.
- It'll cook.

- They'll be very, very sick.
- I've got it covered. Anything else?

- You know the new OMB definitions?
- I know they're out. What's it look like?

Depends. You want more
poor people or fewer?

- Fewer poor people.
- You got it. Thank you, Mr. President.

Caraway seeds, thyme, corn bread...

...oysters, water chestnuts
and andouille sausage.

- It sounds good.
- Yeah.

Toby indicated that you had to be careful
if you cooked it inside the turkey...

...because in some cases,
it doesn't cook and people get sick.

- Yeah.
- You know about this?

- I've heard about it.
- I thought Toby might be playing.

- Maybe he is.
- But you've heard of it.

- Maybe I am too.
- No, you don't have that kind of wit.

- Yeah.
- I need to talk to an expert.

Talk to Rene. Margaret!

- I can't ask Rene.
- Yes.

The president needs to speak
with the head chef.

No, no, I can't. Thanks, Margaret.

- I can't ask Rene right now.
- Why not?

Frankly, I thought he did something
stupid and inconsiderate last week...

...but it turns out
I was just in a bad mood.

You gave Rene a firm talking-to.

Yes, and while he didn't deserve it,
he will some day soon.

- Excuse me.
- Come on in.

They dropped off
the polling data you asked for.

- 82% are in favor of fixing potholes?
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna look at this.
- Okay.

If they want nickel-and-dime stuff,
I'll tell you one thing we can do.

- What's that?
- This time of year...

...there should be a hot line
you can call about turkeys.

A special number where the phones
are staffed by experts.

There is.

- What do you mean?
- Butterball Hot Line.

- Butterball has a hot line?
- Yeah.

It's an 800 number staffed by experts.

- Are you kidding me?
- No.

God, I'm sorry. I love my country.
Charlie, get me the Butterball Hot Line.

Yes, sir.

Hang on.

- I don't think this is the right one.
- The right poll?

Yeah, this is something different.
Hang on a second.

This is...

Son of a bitch.

Find Bruno Gianelli.
Tell him I wanna see him right away.

Yes, sir.

Hey, Sam.

- Sam, Bernice Collette.
- Thanks.

- Hey, Sam.
- How you doing, Bernie?

- I'm not wild about"Bernie."
- Sure, what should I call you?

- Bernice is fine.
- But how will you know I'm your buddy?

I'm okay living in the dark on that.

Okay. Can you tell me how
the current standard was reached?

- The new one?
- The current one.

- The new one hasn't been signed off on.
- We have to sign off.

- Why?
- It's much more accurate.

How was the old one reached?
The current one.

In 1963, an Eastern European immigrant
named Molly Orshansky...

...who was working over
in Social Security, came up with it.

Food was the most costly
living expense where she came from.

Our cost-of-living formula
for 40 years...

...was based on life in Poland
during the Cold War?

This is what I'm talking about.

Food doesn't account
for a third of a family's budget.

Housing is more expensive.

The model also doesn't take into account
transportation and health insurance.

So call the current model the
old model and sign the new model.

All right, sit down.

The kid's being held
at San Vitale in Rome.

- You ever seen anything like this before?
- He's a minor. This is uncharted territory.

- I gotta tell you something.
- What?

Unless the eligibility papers
meet the treaty obligations...

...they're gonna release him.
- Into whose custody?

- They're just gonna release him.
- Russ...

It's a provisional arrest.
We don't have the paperwork right...

...the foreign minister's gonna review it
and decline extradition. No grounds.

- I don't...
- He didn't break any Italian laws.

Are they gonna give him a Eurail Pass?

Governor's gotta guarantee that
he's not gonna seek the death penalty.

It isn't up to the governor.
It's up to the DeKalb DA.

- Second of all, this is Georgia.
- Then we're not getting the kid back.

"Extradition shall be refused
unless the requesting party provides...

...such assurances as the
requested party considers sufficient...

...that the death penalty
shall not be imposed."

I didn't write the extradition treaty.

This kid shoots his teacher
and gets life in Venice...

...we'll look like idiots.
I gotta put this out before the papers.

- Yeah.
- What do I do now?

I'd talk to the charg? d'affaires
at the Italian Embassy.

I wanna do it today.

- I'll set it up.
- Thank you.

We got swampland or soil
too rocky to farm...

...so we had to foreclose or sell
at 3 cents an acre.

In 1934, the Indian Reorganization Act...

...allowed us to buy back the land,
bad and good, bit by bit.

Why would you want
to buy the bad land too?

Because the IR Act said
if we put it in a trust...

...like a national park,
it'd never be taken away.

- So, what you need is what?
- An answer on our CFR 151 application.

That's handled
by the Department of the Interior.

- It is.
- And?

- We're still waiting.
- These things take a bit of time.

We've been waiting
for a bit of time.

- It's a big interior, Maggie.
- We've been waiting for 15 years, C.J.

- Fifteen years?
- Yeah.

So you can see why we don't mind
hanging around here for a little while.

- Yeah.
- C.J.?

You gonna have anything
on Macedonia today?

- I don't think so.
- Okay. What's going on?

- I'm just talking to my friends.
- Okay.

- Mark, have a good Thanksgiving.
- I'm Canadian.

- Yours is in April.
- October.

- Oh, to have it be over.
- Yeah.

I have to ask, I'm asking everyone.
There's an American children's book...

...I'm trying to find
and having difficulty.

It's called The Little Red Lighthouse
and the Great Gray Bridge.

I know The Little Red Lighthouse.
That's a great book.

No, the funicular...
It's not a funicular. It's... .

- The George Washington Bridge.
- The lighthouse is still there.

It's very hard to see.

If you're driving up the river,
the highway goes...

Yeah, you peer down just at the right
moment, you can see the top of it.

I can't find the book,
and I have a 4-year-old boy now.

- I'll ask around.
- Thank you.

- Please.
- Now... .

You stand hand in hand
with no other nation on this...

...except Somalia. You know that.

Even China doesn't allow children
to be executed.

Well, federal law doesn't allow it, but
the people in the state of Georgia do.

- So there's not much...
- Yes.

- Mr. Fedrigotti...
- Alberto.

Alberto, please.

You'll have the ambassador speak to the
foreign minister and send the kid back?

- You're in a restaurant...
- Alberto...

And there's a little girl
who's really misbehaving.

She runs around. She's throwing food.

Her father decides
to punish her right there...

...by cracking a wine bottle over her
head, throwing her to the ground...

...and kicking her repeatedly.

You sit at the next table.
What do you do?

The kid wasn't throwing food.

Is there a crime that girl could commit
that would justify what the father did?

See, it's problematic when other people
make my argument for me.

Yeah.

And if the father said,
"This is my child...

...and I will punish her
any way I choose"...

...would you come to the conclusion
that this father has lost perspective...

...and good judgment and should be
removed from the equation?

Okay, I'm going to... .

I'll ask around about the book.

Thank you.

- Assistant secretary for Indian Affairs?
- He's away.

- You tried?
- Yeah.

- Director of Intergovernmental Affairs.
- He's left.

Isn't there a deputy of Acquisition
and Property Management?

- And there's a deputy of Tribal Services.
- But?

- It's Thanksgiving. Nobody's here.
- I'm here. They're here. You're here.

God knows that.

Tell Leo's office I'm coming over.

She's making sense.

Is this a thing
that can be argued from all sides?

- And they're all right?
- Yes.

You can put their numbers together
different ways?

Let's put them together in a way
that gives us fewer poor people.

- Yeah.
- If we have to go with the formula...

...delay as long as we can.
We have to test it.

All right.

So three statisticians go deer hunting.

First one misses 10 feet to the left.
Second misses 10 feet to the right.

The third one jumps up and down
and says,"I hit it."

Gotta like a guy who comes
with a statistical-analysis joke.

You would if you had
let me call you"Bernie."

Test the math
before the president signs off.

Create a program
and experiment for two years?

- Test the math?
- Yeah.

- Think we used an abacus?
- I want to learn how to work an abacus.

First date, check comes, you pull that
out of your pocket and add up the tip?

That and statistics jokes will have you
blazing a path through Capitol women.

The formula doesn't take into account
regional differences in housing costs.

- No.
- You don't think it's worth it?

- We took the national mean.
- How do you think landlords in L. A...

...feel about that?
- We debated that...

...but agreed it would be difficult to
assess when costs change year to year.

You drop the problem
when the math gets tough?

You know who wouldn't be pleased?
Holly Orshansky of Poland...

...author of the original formula
and overdue for recognition.

Molly. Molly Orshansky.

- Not Holly?
- No.

I thought it was Holly.

- Bruno.
- Get him in here.

What the hell is this?

- Sorry?
- What is this?

- I don't know what you're waving.
- It's a poll.

I asked to see a poll about certain...
They sent up the wrong poll.

This one asks voters
where I should spend Thanksgiving.

- Yeah.
- What are you doing...

...polling where I should
spend Thanksgiving?

New England doesn't get us
anything that we don't already have...

...and there's a sense
it could be seen as political...

...with New Hampshire
the first primary state.

- I have Thanksgiving with my family.
- Yeah, yeah. People like that.

Thank God.

- Mr. President...
- You politicized my family...

...to make sure they don't look political?
- Don't get me started on ironies.

My family is off-limits.

Sir, your candor about
a terrible illness was off-limits.

Your regimen of self-medication
was off-limits.

Due respect, you've used up
your off-limits.

I'll decide when I've used them up.

You don't poll where my family goes.
Am I making myself clear?

Sometimes I have difficulty talking
to people who don't race sailboats.

- What?
- I have difficulty sometimes...

...talking to people
who don't race sailboats.

When I was a teenager
I crewed Larchmont to Nassau...

...on a 58-foot sloop called Cantice.

And there was a little piece of kelp
that was stuck to the hull.

And even though it was little, you don't
want anything stuck to the hull.

So I take a boat hook on a pole,
and I stick it in the water...

...and I try to get the kelp off when
seven guys start screaming at me, right?

Because now the pole
is causing more drag than the kelp was.

See, what you gotta do is,
you gotta drop it in...

...and let the water lift it out
in a windmill motion.

Drop it in and let the water
take it by the kelp and lift it out.

In and out, in and out, until you got it.

The voters aren't choosing
a plumber, Mr. President.

They are choosing a president.

And if you don't think
that your family should matter...

...my suggestion to you
is to get out of professional politics.

But if you think that I am going
to miss even one opportunity...

...to pick up half a knot of boat speed,
you're absolutely out of your mind.

When it cost us nothing?
When we give up nothing?

You're out of your mind.

Excuse me.

Something important.

- What is that, sir?
- The number for the Butterball Hot Line.

Watch and learn.

-Welcome to the Butterball Hot Line.
- Hello.

Please stand by for our next
available operator to assist you.

Charlie.

- Fifteen years.
- I agree. That's a long time.

- That's a long time.
- Yes.

We're talking about a sewage plant
and a health center, not the Great Plains.

I'll call somebody
and find out what the delay is.

- What can I tell them?
- Tell them that.

It'd be nice if they could
see someone before they left.

- Sealy.
- He's gone.

- Do it Monday.
- We do it Monday...

...they'll stay till Monday,
absent being dragged off in handcuffs.

- Right is right.
- What do you want from me?

Five minutes. They walk out.
They've met the chief of staff.

- No.
- Why not?

I'm not taking a meeting with somebody
who stages a sit-in in the lobby.

- All right. Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Toby?
- Yes, sir.

Come in, please.

You polled where I should
have Thanksgiving?

Yeah, I saw that question.

- And it was okay with you?
- Yes, sir.

- Why?
- Because it was okay with Joey Lucas.

You think people should care
where I have Thanksgiving?

- I know I don't give a damn.
- All right, it doesn't matter.

I straightened it out with Bruno.
It has a lot to do with kelp.

- With what?
-Welcome to the Butterball Hot Line.

- What the hell is...?
- Hello.

-How can I help you, sir?
- Well, first, let me say...

...this is a wonderful
service you provide.

-Well, thank you. May I have your name?
- I'm a citizen.

I'm sure you are,
but if I have your name...

... I can put your comments
in our customer-feedback form.

I'm Joe Bethersontin. That's one
T and with an H in there.

-And your address?
- Fargo.

Your street address, please?

Zip code, Fargo,
North Dakota, right now.

My street address is 11454...

...Pruder Street, and it's very important
that you put"street" down there...

...because sometimes it gets confused
with Pruder Way and Pruder Lane.

It's apartment 23R,
Fargo, North Dakota.

Zip code,"50504."

Thank you. Your voice sounds
very familiar to me.

- I do radio commercials for products.
-And how can I help you?

Stuffing should be stuffed
inside the turkey, am I correct?

It can also be baked
in a casserole dish.

Then we'd have to call it
something else, wouldn't we?

-I suppose.
- If I cook it inside the turkey...

...is there a chance I'd kill guests?

I'm not saying that's necessarily
a deal breaker.

Well, there are some concerns.

Two main bacterial problems
are salmonella and Campylobacter jejuni.

All right. Well, first of all, I think you
made the second bacteria up...

...and second of all, how do I avoid it?

Make sure the ingredients
are cooked first.

Saut? any vegetables, fry sausage,
oysters, et cetera.

- Excellent. Let's talk temperature.
- 165 degrees.

No. See, I was testing you.

The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked
to an internal temperature...

...of 180 to 185 degrees.

Yes, sir, I was talking
about the stuffing...

... which you'd wanna cook
to 165 to avoid the health risks.

- Okay. Good testing.
-You have an accurate thermometer?

Oh, yeah. It was presented to me
as a gift from the personal sous chef...

...to the king of auto sales in... .

- Fargo.
- Fargo.

Phil Baharnd, the man can sell
a car like, well, like anything.

Very good. Have a good Thanksgiving.

And you do too. Thanks a lot.

That was excellent.
We should do that once a week.

- Phil Baharnd?
- I gotta get better at the names.

That's it, sir.
Want to start the weekend?

No, one more thing left.
Today, we find the traitor in my family.

I know the first lady
doesn't like to schlep...

...but would you please tell her
to meet me in the residence?

Yes, sir.

- Look...
- Wait...

- I need to ask something.
- What?

Why does the White House
care so much about an issue...

...involving a local DA, which at best
should be handled by Justice and State?

- Because.
- Because what?

Because I don't want this president
to get a call from the bishop of Rome.

Why do we care about the bishop?

Because that's not
the only name he goes by.

- What's another name?
- Your Holiness.

- The bishop of Rome is the pope?
- It'll take it to a whole new level.

- We don't wanna be on that level.
- No, we do not.

Forget the Italians.
I wanna work it from our side.

It means getting the DA to guarantee
he won't seek the death penalty.

- Yeah.
- How?

- DeKalb's the Georgia 4th.
- Yeah.

When Drier was elected from
the Georgia 4th, election before last...

...Faragut was who he beat.

- Who's Faragut?
- The DeKalb DA.

Well, I suppose there's a time
for scruples and a time for, you know... .

- Not?
- Yeah.

He's left the office,
but he'll be on the 8 p. M...

...US Airways out of Hartsfield
going to DFW.

Hartsfield. Okay. Excuse me.

- Thank you.
- Listen.

I got you on standby
on a direct flight to Boca.

- Cancel it.
- Why?

- I need a layover in Atlanta.
- Of course.

I need to get there about an hour
before an 8:00 flight would take off.

- That would be around 7:00?
- I haven't done the math.

I'm also gonna need some information
on the DeKalb County DA, Faragut.

Do me a favor and start
with a recent photograph.

Call my mother,
and tell her I'm gonna be late.

- Josh.
- Yeah.

- You call your mother.
- Right.

I should be able to at least fire paintballs
at you while you do that.

It's harder to get elected
if you feature the underclass.

It's harder to help them if you hide them.

Well, what if we just recalibrated
to make everyone over 20,000"rich"...

...and everyone under 20,000
"middle class"?

- Then they'd all vote Republican.
- Yeah.

When we get back from the weekend
we should talk to Bruno.

- Why Bruno?
- If it's anything short of a torpedo...

...in the campaign,
we should take it to Leo.

Even if it's a torpedo in the campaign,
we should do it, but that's me.

- I don't imagine I'd rally much support.
- No.

- So we'll talk to Bruno?
- Yeah.

- Thanks.
- See you Monday.

- Have a good Thanksgiving.
- You too.

- Listen.
- What?

- Security's nervous.
- Nervous about what?

- The Indians in the lobby.
- No, I mean, nervous about what?

It's a lawyer and a Michigan Wolverine.
I think we can take them. We always do.

Yeah, I'm just saying Security's
gonna do their thing.

I'll be there in a minute.

- Bruno.
- Hey.

- You get hauled in?
- Yeah.

- And?
- We had a conversation.

Listen, the OMB's gonna come out
with a recommendation...

...for a new way
to calculate the poverty level.

- A show of hands?
- No...

...but the formula raises
the poverty level 2000 and change.

- So, what is it now?
- Twenty thousand a year.

The problem is, we gotta campaign
with 4 million new poor people.

- That's the problem?
- Yeah.

Not that someone making 21,000
a year is considered comfortable?

- We're working on that one too.
- You keep working on that.

- I'll sell the other thing.
- How?

Same way P.T. Barnum
sold a truckload of white salmon.

By sticking labels on them that said,
"Guaranteed not to go pink in the can."

- I have this fish theme going on today.
- What the hell...?

This formula has been broken for years,
and the other guys haven't fixed it?

- Like that. Wanna get a quick drink?
- No, I got nieces and nephews and...

- We'll meet Monday on this, okay?
- Truckload of white salmon.

- You ever even heard of white salmon?
- No.

Guy could sell anything.

Welcome to Hartsfield
International Airport.

Please do not
leave any baggage unattended.

Flight 142 1 to Los Angeles
is now boarding at gate 3 1 D.

Flight 142 1 to Los Angeles
is now boarding at gate 3 1 D.

- Yes?
- Could I get a ginger ale, please.

Excuse me, you're Mark Faragut, right?
I'm Josh Lyman.

Yeah, good to meet you.

Funny. I got a message
from my office to call...

Yeah.

- You didn't come all the way here just...?
- No, my mom lives in Florida.

- But just technically.
- I'm sorry.

- It doesn't matter.
- The governor...

The Italians aren't worried
about the governor...

...they're worried about you.

Italy can't tell me
how to prosecute my case...

...and no offense,
neither can you.

- You don't have a defendant.
- You can't ask me to weaken.

Because the Georgia 4th
is tough enough for a Democrat...

...without appearing
he's against the death penalty.

- I'm not against it.
- I said, appearing.

And the only way
to combat that is with TV time.

You are planning
on running again, right?

You don't know much
about my last campaign.

You raised $232,000 in four months...

...but then the well dried up after you
prosecuted a corporate polluter...

...and got stuck as anti-business.

You were left with 41,500 for the last
two months and that was the ball game.

US Airways is pleased to announce
flight 1017 to Dallas% Fort Worth...

... is now boarding.
Please have your boarding pass...

... ready to show the ticket agent.

- That's my flight.
- Don't seek the death penalty...

...and you'll have a media buy
to explain it to your district.

Josh, please tell me
there's no money in that envelope.

Well, in a manner of speaking.

- Names?
- Three of them. None of them local.

Do what I'm telling you,
and all three of them will take your call.

- I can win this time.
- Your flight's boarding.

- Have a good Thanksgiving.
- You too.

Ginger ale.

Thank you.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Thank you, Al.

- You summoned me?
- Yeah, sorry about that.

Listen, I'm sorry about this too,
but we have to change plans.

- What do you mean?
- We're gonna have dinner here.

- Charlie's calling everybody.
- Why?

I've seen some polling information.
The numbers are staggering.

People are looking for steadiness,
for a father figure.

They like it when I'm here.

- Can't be a father figure at Camp David?
- I guess not.

This is ridiculous. You can't change plans
on people at the eleventh hour.

- It's no problem.
- It is.

When you're in the White House,
there's a staff that has to be here.

- Now they can't go home.
- It's their job.

- It's Thanksgiving.
- I've got numbers.

Which say Camp David is fine.

Oh, brother.

You speak four languages.
How come none of them is French?

- Nothing's wrong with my French.
- You just called me your little cheese.

- That's right.
- They came to me.

They said,"What do you think
about having Thanksgiving...

...at Camp David
instead of New Hampshire?"

They told me why. I said,"Fine."

- And what part are you leaving out now?
- The part where I lied to you.

- Yes.
- Yes, I do that sometimes.

I don't wanna go 15 rounds on Bess
Truman and what constitutes a farm.

On your behalf, I have responded
to polling information...

...telling me what I should wear
and what I should say...

...to say nothing of the fact...

...that I have been subpoenaed
to answer questions...

...about how I secretly kept you alive.

So explain to me now
how what I did was out of line.

You know what?

It was.

I know.

Well...

...with the ingredients for stuffing,
you have to cook them...

...before you put them in the turkey
and you're not gonna know.

I'll do what I always do
with anything you cook...

...I wait for the girls to eat it first.

Me too.

How many treaties have we signed
with Munsee Indians?

- Six.
- How many have we revoked?

Six.

- What were the Munsees doing in 1778?
- Fighting in George Washington's army.

- Why aren't you in New York anymore?
- He marched us to Wisconsin.

- Whose land was it in the first place?
- Ours.

I'll have Park Police
escort you from the building.

It'll take a few minutes, so you can
make whatever calls you need to.

Or come back to my office,
we'll make an appointment for Monday...

...and the White House
will cover your expenses.

- Okay.
- Okay, what?

Okay, ma'am.

- No, okay, you're...?
- We'll come back to the office.

How do you keep fighting
smaller injustices...

...when they're all
from the mother of injustices?

What's the alternative?