The West Wing (1999–2006): Season 3, Episode 13 - The Two Bartlets - full transcript

Toby is concerned when President Bartlett forgoes an opportunity to speak out in favor of affirmative action during the Iowa caucuses and confronts the President on the real reasons underlying his Dr. Jekyl & Uncle Fluffy personality shifts. Meanwhile Josh makes plans for a vacation with Amy and then must cancel them.

Previously on The West Wing:

I'm seeing Amy again tonight.

Second date?

First date.
Last night was more of a... know...
- Scheme.

- You know Amy's seeing somebody?
- I do know that.

- Josh. Great night for us.
- We'll see.

- I'm just saying...
- That he's using me.

I was saying that.

- How'd it go?
- Not well. Know whose fault that is?

- John Tandy's.
- No.

- Hers.
- Yours.

He's about to be censured,
deliver the State of the Union...

...and then he's gonna
run for re-election.

My guess is that there are
some things on his mind.

The Supreme Court has issued
its annual report.

-Details in this report...
-Iowa voters will pass the first ballots...

... as the presidential primary campaign
officially gets underway.

President Bartlet...

Why would I put it back?



You let anybody up
without asking who it is?

I thought you were breakfast.

- You know what?
- What?

John's never asked to see
the WLC's high-donor database.


He's never asked to see
the high-donor database.

Or any other mailing list.

So how do you like them apples?

I just went to sleep
about two hours ago.

- You think he's using me.
- Is the sun up?

- I thought you should know.
- Not so much.

- Those pajamas are too big for you.
- What makes you say that?

- You've got the bottoms on...
- I know they're too big.

- What are you doing here?
- Demonstrating, once and for all...

...that John's not using me
to get the women's vote.

You're flaky, you know that?
You're quite the flake.

Not once has he asked to see it.

- I was done with this a month ago.
- Never asked us to sponsor a fundraiser.

It's early.

It's January.
Think it's early to raise money?

No. I'm saying it's 5:00 in the morning.

I offered him a slot to speak
on safe-haven laws. He declined.

- He hardly ever takes photo-ops with me.
- He always takes photo-ops with you.

Yes. Yes, he does.

But he never runs them
in his congressional newsletter.

How do you like them apples?

We're gonna stop with the apples
soon, right?

Admit you're wrong
and his relationship with me...

...has nothing to do with politics.
- I admit it.

- Do you mean it?
- No! Of course I'm right.

Your relationship has everything to do
with politics. He's a power dater.

That's what power daters do.
Know how I know?

- Because you're a power dater?
- Right.

You know how I know
that you're wrong?

Because you saw his soul and
confronted him in a moment of honesty?

- Right.
- Then he was sure to tell the truth.

- Well, he didn't have to.
- Why?

Because he asked me to marry him.

- How do you like them apple...?
- No.

- He asked you to marry him?
- Yes.

- Want me to talk you out of it?
- You don't have to. I said no.

- Good.
- I told him we shouldn't see each other.

- Really?
- Yes.


- Now you're nervous.
- No, I'm not.

You and I have spent four nights

I didn't break up with him for you.

I'm not pathetic, stalking woman
who, you know, does things.

We spent six nights with each other.

- What are you counting?
- Count them all.

- It was four.
- He just up and proposed?

- Yes, Hamlet, it's called being decisive.
- No, Ophelia, it's called a political asset.

- What does it matter now?
- It doesn't.

That's all you're gonna say?

I'll say more when you call me
in 30 seconds from your cell phone.

You know, for the most insecure guy
I've ever met...'re pretty sure of yourself.
- Call me from your cell phone.

That's where the real conversation
always takes place.

You can't afford pajamas that fit?

- It's laundry day.
- I'll see you.

Time number one was on the steps
in front of my apartment.

You kissed me. It was snowing.

Time number two was when you
came over after the State of the Union.

Number three was at your house.
You put on a tape of the Stones... Wembley Stadium, put on
a feather boa...

... and sang"Honky Tonk Women."

Time number four
involved a variety of hosiery...

Josh, I'm gonna stop you right here,

- Leo?
- Yeah.

Anybody else in the office?

- Hey, Josh.
- Hey, Margaret.

We've got a problem in Vieques
and a caucus in lowa.

Why don't you come on in to work.


... to go unchallenged.

Iowa will cast the first ballots
as the presidential primary season...

... officially gets underway.

President Bartlet, unchallenged
in the Democratic Caucus...

... arrives in Cedar Rapids today.
On the Republican side...

... Governor Ritchie looks to be
the front-runner in the primary.

I'm on the plane.

No, I'm on the plane.

I'll be coming back tonight.
It's just for the day.

No, it's just for the day, Dad.
We're coming back tonight.

I won't be tired.

I'll sleep if I'm tired,
but I won't be tired.

Because we're coming back at 8:00,
and I don't get tired at 8:00.

Plus, I won't be the one flying the plane.

Oh, my God.

Dad, because this is how it is.

If it's in the 48 states,
we come back the same day.

The taxpayers paid for
a very comfortable and fast airplane...

...and this is what they had in mind
when they did.

Am I gonna...?


Because I don't live in lowa,
I'm not allowed to vote there.

See, there's always a catch.

Well, he's unchallenged in
the lowa Caucus, so I like our chances.

No, Dad, I'm on the plane.

All right, I'll try and call you later
if there's anything interesting to report.

Talk to you later.

Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen,
good morning.

This is Lieutenant Colonel Gantry.
We're passing through turbulence...

... on our way to a cruising altitude
of 41,000 feet.

Our flight plan this morning will
take us over Wheeling and Toledo...

... the south shore of Lake Michigan
and over Aurora, Illinois...

... before we make our final approach
to Eastern lowa Airport in Cedar Rapids.

Our flight time today is one hour
and 52 minutes.

Is it possible we're riding into town
in a soy-diesel bus?

There was talk of it,
but that idea got killed off.

- Okay.
- I'm gonna go back there.

You zeroed in on a message
for the day?

How to reform the Freedom to Farm Act?

- Ritchie's pulled into single digits.
- I saw.

What a gift from heaven
it would be if he won.

- Yeah.
- So the 4-H Convention... .

- I'm not going.
- I don't get it.

- How can you not see the butter cow?
- I'm that way.

You understand it's a life-size cow
made entirely of butter.

- We're not going.
- There's a butter Elvis, Last Supper...

...which has, I swear to God, Toby... .

- Butter on the table?
- Butter on the table!

Between butter James and butter Peter.

An almost mind-blowing vortex
of art and material...

...that dares the viewer
to recall Marcel Duchamp.

- How do they keep it from melting?
- How indeed?

- Toby, you have a call in the staff cabin.
- Thank you.

Butter, butter, butter.

This is signal operator number 41.

I have a call from Mr. Seaborn
at the White House.

- Thank you.
- Duchamp was the father of Dadaism.

- I know.
- The dada of Dada.

There's nothing to do about that joke.
It comes, and you just stand there.

The cow made out of butter? That's how
I like my irony served, my friend.

I have a phone call that's being relayed
through four satellites.


- Yeah?
- Hey.

I'm gonna guess where you are, okay?

- Okay.
-Wheels-up was 5:35...

...heading west-northwest.

You're not at cruising altitude yet.

I'm gonna say an average of 400 knots
with a light headwind.

- Cumberland, West Virginia. Am I right?
- I have no idea.

Then we'll say I'm right.
Listen, do you remember Bob Engler?

- I met with him a few years ago...

...from U.S. Space Command.

He told you they were tracking a UFO
over Maui?

Yes. Do you have any idea why I have
another appointment with him today?

-I don 't.
- Okay.

Listen. Ritchie made a statement
last night... support of
the Pennsylvania referendum...

...banning use of race
in college admissions.

I think the president should
say something at the UI campus.

- About affirmative action?

- He shouldn't.
- Why?

Ritchie's not gonna be
the Republican nominee for president.

Write up a few sentences
and send it to the plane right away.

- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Good morning.

- I'm a little tired today.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- From the lovemaking?

I'm supposed to see Leo.

I need a favor. I need you
to get me out of jury duty.

- Why?
- Because I have jury duty.

- When?
- Tomorrow.

Why don't you wait till we're closer
and ask me again.

- Can you do it?
- No.

- Why not?
- What kind of legal authority... you think I'm empowered with?
- You're powerful.

You get... Yes. Thank you.

- You get deferrals, don't you?
- Only four.

- And?
- I've used them all up.

It looks like justice is in your hands.

I don't want it in my hands.
I'm seeing somebody.

There's nothing I can do for you.

I'm surprised.
You're such a powerful man.

All the girls say so. Been zapped
of your power by the lovemaking?

She's... I don't...

He's waiting for you.

- Hey.
- What's going on in Vieques? Protesters?

Yeah. Something like five ships out of
the U.S.S. Thurman battle carrier...

...steamed in yesterday.

What they need is final combat

...before they can be deployed to the
Indian Ocean, where they're needed now.

They need to do ship-to-shore gunnery
and air-to-ground bombing exercises...

...before they're certified.
They can't go until certified.

- Okay.
- All right. So some 40 protesters...

...have planted themselves
in the live target range.

Sorry. Why am l...?
This is national security.

One of the protesters, in fact the leader,
apparently is a friend of yours.

- Billy.
- Yeah.

- Arrest him, it's what he's waiting for.
- He's a known actor...

...a well-loved young man
in the Hispanic community.

He's with other men from
the Hispanic community.

- Wait them out.
- They got supplies. We don't have time.

He's got a cell phone.
We've got the number.


- Yeah.
- Leo, if I wasn't working here...

...I'd probably be with him down there.
- Yeah, but you're working here.

This is a crappy thing to do
with friendship.

- Things aren't supposed to be personal.
- We're at DEFCON-4.

I'm sorry, we're arranging the call.

Check a whip count, but I don't think
we'd get 60 votes on a cloture motion.

We lose eight Democrats who don't
wanna spend capital on foreign aid.

We lose eight Democrats once they find
there is a foreign-aid budget.

- Anything else?
- Thank you, Mr. President.

What's up?

Well, Ritchie made a statement
last night... support of the referendum
in Pennsylvania.

Sam's gonna work on a few lines
in response.

If he makes statements that force me
left, I don't gotta swing at every pitch.

Everybody thinks it'll be Simon.

You and I know different.

Overnights have Ritchie
in single digits.

Every candidate's dream opponent, huh?

- Yeah.
- I'll take a look at what Sam does.

- We should respond.
- I'll take a look at it.

Thank you, Mr. President.

The race officially began today
as the lowa Caucus got underway.

Come in.

- What's going on?
- I'm waiting for a phone call.

I mean, in Vieques.

Billy Molina and some people
ran the Coast Guard line.

They're camped in the live target range.
A carrier has to fire on the range...

...or they can't be certified
and can't be deployed.

And they have to be deployed.

- So they're hooking you up with Billy?
- Yeah.

It's a strange day when I'm involved
with national security.

I was thinking the same thing.

- You know what else?
- What?

Tandy asked Amy to marry him.

- Seriously?
- She said no.


- That happened fast, don't you think?
- No, no.

- Don't do this.
- What?

- I recognize this.
- As what?

She didn't break up with him for you.
I guarantee.

She is a fully independent woman.
She's the real thing.

Stop looking at her differently
than yesterday.

I just said it was fast.

Next, you'll find reason
to be mad at her.

- You're wrong.
- Guys like you?

- Yeah?
- I'm one of them.

- Josh?
- Yeah.

He's on.

Billy, it's Josh.

Okay, just tell me a couple things first.

Is everybody okay? Is anybody hurt?

"The American dream is opportunity.

Together we must give every child the
chance to reach for his or her dreams.

This is why we must ensure
the opportunity is real...

...that the dream is neither deferred
nor denied...

...that hope isn't a privilege
for the few..." This is Sam's?

No, I reworked it.

"But a promise for all generations
to follow."

I've read it. I don't know where
you stand on affirmative action.

- I was trying to avoid a quote.
- As well as nouns and pronouns.

It's purposely nonspecific.

- I don't know what we're talking about.
- We get word to friends...

...I was nodding in the direction
of affirmative action.

How about if we oppose it...

...then get word out you were kidding?
- Nobody's questioning where we stand.

I don't wanna campaign today!

- What happened to writing a new book?
- We will, but we don't...

Man, we don't have to piss people off
every day... order to demonstrate
that we're not...

- Yes.
- We're going to lowa...

...where we won.
I'm not ignoring the state.

I say,"Thanks for getting me elected,"
and we're back on the plane.

I don't think it's a good idea
for us to fight for news coverage...

...with governors, senators and the head
of the church of"I Hate You."

Let's just get in under the radar.

- Yes, sir.
- I'll say a few words.

- Yes, sir.
- That's it.

Thank you, Mr. President.

What did he say?

They say something in the primary
that forces us left so we...

- Is that how it works?
- Yes.

- Tell me more, Obi-Wan.
- I'm saying...

He's going to a college. It's a good time
to talk about affirmative action...

...when it comes to admissions.



Our fathers didn't need
affirmative action.

- And they were children of immigrants.
- Our fathers needed the GI Bill.

- I'm the wrong Democrat to talk to.
- Why?

Because... .

After my father fought in Korea,
he became...

...what the government begs
every graduate to become.

He became a teacher, and he raised
a family on a teacher's salary...

...and he paid his taxes
and crossed at the green.

Any time there was opportunity
for career advancement... took him extra time because
there was a less qualified black woman.

So instead of retiring
as superintendent...

...of the Ohio Valley Union
Free School District...

...he retired head
of the math department... William Henry Harrison Junior High.

- How is he these days?
- Who?

Your dad.

He's fine.

- We got cut off.
- We know.

Cell phone went dead.
They have to recharge it.

They need a solar recharger.
That takes a few hours.

- Why a few hours?
- For the weather to clear.

When you get back on the phone,
we'd like you to stand tougher.

- Excuse me?
- I said, we'd...

- Then you get on the phone.
- Look...

This isn't a hostage situation.
It's a protest.

- One where...
- You... Excuse me, sir.

You're free to arrest or shoot them,
but we won't, because it's bad politics.

- Remember what the thing is here.
- This is not the time to protest.

Puerto Rico lived under Spain for four
centuries, under the U.S. for one.

In 500 years, it hasn't determined
its own destiny for five minutes.

They're using depleted uranium shells,
napalm, cluster bombs.

Vieques has a cancer rate 25 percent
higher than the rest of Puerto Rico!

When is the time to protest?
I'll tell them. They'll do it.

We'll need you in a few hours.

Thank you.

One hundred anti-choice votes.
I'm not fine with it.

A Congress that votes to ban
late-term abortions...

...even when a woman's life
is in danger.

Affordable daycare
is a contradiction in terms.

Gag rules and old men who think
women's issues should be the subject...

...of PTA meetings and not
the U.S. House of Representatives.

I'm not fine with it.
The WLC's not fine with it.

Women aren't fine with it.

It's really something every two years
we get to overthrow the government.

Guess what's coming up
in November?

In 10 months,
we can make the difference.

Let's get out the vote,
get ourselves organized.

Let's get the Congress we deserve.
Thank you, and may God bless America.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hear the whole thing?
- I heard you overthrow the government.

- That's always money in the bank.
- Tell me about it.

Hey, guys, could I have the room
for a minute?

Is there someone who can take care
of Henry?

- What do you have against Henry?
- Nothing. I love Henry.

Who takes care of him
when you go away?

- I leave him with my sister.
- What do you think about going away?

- Where?
- Tahiti or Paris.

Venice. We can go to Epcot
if you want.

- Tahiti?
- Lie on the beach, dance at night...

...reggae, a little UB40.
- Reggae's the Caribbean.

- They don't have reggae in Tahiti?
- We should find out.

- I'm sorry?
- I said, I think we should find out.

- We should.
- When?

- Day after tomorrow.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I'll buy tickets, make reservations.

- Go.
- I'm going.

- Not going fast enough.
- When I walk out...

...I'm buying plane tickets.
- When I walk out, I'm buying bikinis.

I'm going fast now.

Mr. President, can you speak on
the environmental impact on water?

Well, farming isn 't the only cause
or even the main cause...

... but it's a significant land use
in watersheds and runoff...

... and dairy operations
from hog and poultry operations.

They can be carried into drinking water
by rainfall and snowmelt.

It's what's called
nonpoint source pollution.

-Yeah, over here.
-Mr. President...

... Donald Atwell, lowa City Standard.

Governor Ritchie came out this morning
in support...

... of the Pennsylvania referendum
banning affirmative action...

... with regard to college admission,
and I was wondering if you'd comment?

You know what? Now that we've
abolished discrimination in our laws...

... we need to abolish it
in our hearts and minds.

Thanks a lot, everybody.
It's great to be back in lowa.

Thanks a lot.


- Sam, old man.
- Yes.

I need you to give me
voir dire coaching.

- You wanna be chosen for a jury?
- I wanna not be chosen for a jury.

All right. The lawyers are gonna ask you
general questions and...

- For instance?
- Do you know any reason why... can't render an impartial verdict?
- I hate criminals.

Do you have prejudices or feelings
that might influence the jury?

I assume if you're in a courtroom,
you did something wrong.

- The judge is gonna throw you in jail.
- Sam?

Here I go.

- Bob?
- Sam.

- How have you been?
- I've been well.

Hey, you know what?

You remember that UFO
you were tracking over Maui?

Turned out to be an abandoned
Russian satellite.

One of its rockets didn't fire,
so it couldn't re-enter.

- So you'd have us believe.
- No, really.

Yes, of course.

- Why don't we get to it, Bob.
- Absolutely, Sam.

On behalf of two congressmen...

...I would like permission to tour
the U.S. Bullion Depository.

- Where's that?
- Fort Knox, Kentucky.

- Talk to the Treasury Department.
- We have.

And not at all surprisingly,
they've said no.

- Why do you want to?
- It's been brought to our attention...

...that of the 8500 metric tons of gold
that are stored there, only 1000 remain.

- Really?
- Yes, sir.

- Who brought it to your attention?
- Let's just say a friend of ours.

- Human friend or...?
- Sam, I know what you think of me...

...and the work I do. I've lived
with this attitude my whole life.

My father lived with it too.

I'm seeking a presidential order
for the depository to be audited.

- I'll pass that along.
- I'm sure you will.

- Bob...
- Has the president ever toured the vault?

- No.
- No, only two presidents have.

Roosevelt and Truman.

You think there's something funny
going on?

l, and two congressmen,
think the gold has been replaced.

With what?

I won't get sucked into this.
I won't.

- The Papoose Lake spacecraft...
- No such thing.

...taken from Roswell to Groom Lake
in 1947.

A little piece of land called Area 51,
my friend.

This is Dungeons & Dragons camp
all over again.

We tested U-2 planes at Area 51.

This is why in '57,
they had to take Papoose to Fort Knox.

Ten years ago, the secretary
of the Air Force...

...concluded an exhaustive search
for records.

Oh, I read it.
And my father read it.

The report concluded
the activities in the desert...

...were balloon research.
- It was.

- A crew was retrieved.
- They were anthropomorphic dummies.

Sam, patronize me, laugh at my work...

...but please don't minimize the lifetime
my father spent in this pursuit.

The man had three Ph.D.s.

There were bodies
at Roswell Army Airfield Hospital.

Excuse me.

- When did your dad pass away?
- Pardon?

- When did he pass away?
- Three months ago.

Excuse me.

- Listen.
- I'm sorry, but I'm in there with this guy.

He insists the government is concealing
evidence of extraterrestrial contact...

...and that we've got it at Fort Knox.

We made a deal with Billy.
They'll pull off the island right away.

In exchange, we meet with
a delegation, political affairs, Navy...

- Won't look like we caved?
- We'll be slapped by the right.

- But they won't wanna piss off Latinos.
- Good.

You know what else?
I'm going to Tahiti with Amy.

- You're kidding.
- Day after tomorrow.

- So this guy...
- Yeah, the thing is...

...he inherited the family business.

I gotta go online
and buy Tahitian things.


- Bob.
- Yes?

I was just talking to... .

Let's just say I talked
to an associate.

This associate has higher clearance
than I do.


You can keep pursuing this,
and I imagine you will...

...but we can't give you
the proper paperwork...'ll need to audit the vault.

- You understand?
- Oh, I think I understand.

- Do you?
- Wink's as good as a nod to a blind man.


Listen, these two congressmen,
they're Democrats?

I'm not at liberty to say.

I understand.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you, Sam.

Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen...

... this is Lieutenant Colonel Gantry.

We'll reach our cruising altitude
of 37,000 feet...

... in approximately 20 minutes
as we pass over Elgin, Illinois...

... Detroit, Akron
and McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania...

... before we begin our final descent
to Andrews.

-Enjoy the flight.
- It's happening. It is.

- He was good.
- No, he wasn't.

- He was what he was supposed to be.
- He was Uncle Fluffy.

- It's Dr. Jekyll and Uncle Fluffy again.
- He didn't respond to Ritchie.

- I totally agree that it's too early.
- He was asked the question.

He was asked the question.

No word on the Republicans?

There's a poll
that has Ritchie pulling even.

That'd be too much to hope for.

There's an old expression.

"When the gods wish to punish us,
they answer our prayers."

Anyway, he's doing it again.

- You wanted me?
- Yeah. It's set.

- The meeting?
- Yeah.

- Great. Good is gonna come from this.
- Maybe.

Maybe, yeah, but how often
do you get the...?

- Yeah.
- When's the meeting?

Day after tomorrow.

- You're kidding.
- No.

- Perfect.
- We wanted to do it right away.

- Yeah.
- What's the problem?

- Nothing.
- What's the problem?

- There's a woman I've been...
- Amy Gardner.

- Yeah.
- I hear things.

- I know.
- I try to forget them quickly.

We were supposed to...
This is ridiculous, but...

- We were supposed to go away.
- Where?

It doesn't matter.
We've had trouble getting...

- Day after tomorrow?
- Go.

- I can't.
- Go.

I need to be here for this.

- No, you don't.
- Don't worry about it.

My wife lives in my house,
I live in a hotel, and this is why.

Yeah, okay.

Well, I'm glad it's taken care of.

- I'm glad we got the meeting.
- Okay.

- Listen.
- Yeah.

The trick is appearing unsuitable,
not just for this...

...but for any jury
while avoiding a contempt citation.

Wouldn't you think if I explain
that my boss is a lawyer... lawyer's a lawyer, I'm dating...?
- It's jury duty, not an appendectomy.

It's jury duty. Do it, don't do it.
If you don't... don't get to complain
about the O.J. verdict.

- Amy.

- Josh?

I've just said,"Hello, how are you?"
in Tahitian.

Now you say:

- Which means,"I am fine."
- I can't go day after tomorrow.

- Yeah.
- I mean, I can go another time...

...but I can't go day after tomorrow.
- It was sudden for you.

It was pretty sudden
for anybody, Amy.

- You're the one who asked me.
- There was a problem in Vieques today...

...and we came to a good resolution.

- There's a meeting day after tomorrow.
- Leo's making you stay?

No, he's not. I wanna stay.

- Okay.
-For one, it involves a friend of mine...

...and he did something
he didn't wanna do and... .

I just wanna make sure his back
is covered.

- Look, don't get angry at me.
- I'm not.

You're getting preemptively angry
with me...

...which assumes I'm other people...

...and I'd rather be a political
asset, if you know what I mean.

I do.

When you're done
comparison-shopping, call.

Well, I'd definitely be waiting
by your phone, Josh. Take it easy.

- Josh?
- Yeah.

You might not care, but you officially
won the lowa Democratic Caucus.

If the occasional Caucasian
loses a promotion...

- We'll have to agree to disagree.
- I don't like that. Got it?

- Here.
- You phoned for research?

This is Washington on the need
for a national university.

- I'm tired.
- It's brief.

Toby, please.

"In the general juvenile period of life
when friendships are formed...

...and habits established
that will stick by one...

...youth from parts of the U. S...

...would be assembled together
and would, by degree... there was not just cause
for the jealousies and prejudices...

...which one part of the union
invited against one another."

He said,"We banished discrimination
from our laws... let's banish it
from our minds and hearts."

- Who?
- The president. In lowa.

He said,"Let's banish it
from our minds and hearts."

How does affirmative action do that?

- I'm talking about college admissions.
- I'm talking about my father.

- Why?
- Because he's not doing fine.

He forgets things.

He forgets things.

- He's not a young guy.
- I'm not talking about dates...

...and phone numbers.

- I know.
- He forgets what's going on.

He thought this was
the general election today.

And he snaps back in, but... .

And I... .

I think sometimes that if he'd...

...lived the life he wanted to... .

He's gotta watch me bopping around
on Air Force One.

Hey! Welcome back.

Have you seen the butter cow
at the 4-H Convention?

I have. And the butter Last Supper
with the butter.


Know what the Bob Engler meeting
turned out to be?

- UFO guy?
- Yeah. He thinks...

...the government's keeping alien bodies
at the Bullion Depository in Fort Knox.

What are we keeping
in the depository in Fort Knox?

- Soup?
- No, seriously.

There used to be 8500 metric tons
of gold there.

- Now most of it's been moved out.
- Yeah.

- What's there now?
- I wouldn't ask a lot of questions.

- What do you mean?
- Don't worry about it.

Okay. I'm going back to my office.

Call him.


Donna told me to come over.
What's going on?

Thanks for coming.

Something's wrong with the lights.

Let me feel around for a switch here.

You did this?

A little piece of Tahiti
right here in Georgetown.

Would you like a Samoan Fog Cutter
or a Navy Grog?

A Samoan Fog Cutter
has three kinds of rum...

...including Bacardi 451.

And... .

The difference between that
and a Navy Grog is...

Did you ask me over
to exchange recipes?

Should I change?

Into what?

I remember a pair of big pajamas.

Yeah, good thinking.

- You can turn on the news, you know.
- I don't wanna turn on news.

Just to see how they're covering lowa.

... by 12 points...

President Bartlet lost
by 12 points...

- Sir?
- Yeah?

Can you see Toby?

- No.
- Yes, sir.


Send him in.

- Good evening, sir.
- Thought you had gone home.

I was just watching
some of the coverage.

- It's gonna be Ritchie.
- Yeah.

- I mean, it's gonna be Ritchie.
- I know.

It would've been... I don't know,
it would have seemed obnoxious.

It would've seemed like grandstanding.

- You want some bourbon?
- Thanks.

What do you think?

I was a telemarketer for about a week.

I can't remember what we were selling,
but you worked off a script.

"Hi, good evening.
My name is... ."

And Toby Ziegler was okay
for New York.

But once I got into other time zones,
I needed a name...

...that wasn't gonna bother anybody.

Toby, if you have something to say,
please say it.

Ritchie's good for all time zones.

My family signed
the Declaration of Independence.

Think I've got an ethnicity problem?

- A line isn't between light and dark skin.
- Yeah?

It's between educated
and masculine.

Or Eastern academic elite
and plainspoken.

- It's always been like that.
- But a funny thing happened...

...when the White House
got demystified.

The impression was left
anybody could do it.

- Tell me something I don't know.
- It's one thing Ritchie came out...

...for the Pennsylvania referendum,
but the way he articulated it... .

His presence. The clear sign he wasn't
personally engaged with the facts...

His staff was cringing, I promise.
And we let it go.

- It wasn't the moment...
- You were asked the question.

Do you have anything else?

Sir, I don't think I need to tell you
that the level of respect...

...with which the staff speaks of you
doesn't change depending on...

...whether or not you're in the room.
- But?

Well, there's always been a concern
about the two Bartlets.

The absent-minded professor
with the"Aw, Dad" sense of humor...

...disarming, unthreatening,
good for all time zones.

And the Nobel Laureate...

...still searching for salvation.
Lonely, frustrated. Lethal.

- Gonna sing a country-western song?
- Whose father never liked him...

...because he was too smart.
- This stopped being fun.

- Sir?
- It was actually never fun for me.

I was just being polite.

Your father used to hit you,
didn't he, Mr. President?

Excuse me?

Your father used to hit you, sir?

- Yeah.
- Not like a spanking?

- He hit me. Why?
- He punched you.

- I'm done being polite.
- Because you made him mad.

- You didn't know why.
- Toby, it was a complicated relationship.

- Can I help you?
- It's because you were smarter.

It was complicated.

He didn't like you.
That's why he hit you.

That's why people hit each other.

- You were smarter.
- Why are we talking about this?

So maybe if you get enough votes... one more election, you know?

- Maybe your father...
- You have stepped way over the line!

Any other president would have your ass
on the sidewalk right now.

They'd have had you on the sidewalk
a long time ago.

I don't know what goes on
in a Brooklyn shrink's office...

...but get it the hell out of my house!

Thank you, Mr. President.