The West Wing (1999–2006): Season 3, Episode 1 - The West Wing: Isaac and Ishmael - full transcript

The West Wing goes under lock down as a suspected terrorist is found to be working at the White House. Stuck with a group of high school students who were visiting the White House, the ...

Good evening. I'm Martin Sheen, and
I'm with the cast of The West Wing.

For those who tuned in
to see our season premiere...

...I'm afraid you won't.
That'll be next week.

We're eager to get back
to our continuing story lines...

...but we wanted to stop for a moment
and do something different.

You'll notice a few things
different about this show.

For instance, in place
of our usual main title sequence...

...we'll be putting phone numbers up
where you can pledge donations... groups that help
with victims' assistance.

By now, nobody needs to be convinced
when they named New York's Finest...

...and New York's Bravest, they
knew what they were talking about.

So we're pleased to tell you
that the profits from tonight's episode...

...will be donated to the New York
Firefighters' 9-11 Disaster Relief Fund...

...and the New York Police & Fire
Widows' & Children's Benefit Fund.

A helping hand,
from our family to theirs.

Now, don't panic.
We're in show business...

...and we'll get back
to tending our egos in short order.

But tonight we offer a play.
It's called Isaac and Ishmael.

Don't spend a lot of time trying to
figure out where this episode comes in... the timeline of the series.
It doesn't.

It's a storytelling aberration,
if you'll allow.

Next week, we start our third season.
You'll see stories...

...about a reelection campaign,
an MS disclosure, an embassy in Haiti.

- Repealing the estate tax.
- A fight against tobacco.

- A fight to get our friends back.
- Funding the NEA.

- A veto override.
- A marriage in trouble.

And I get a boyfriend.

That's all for us.
Thank you for listening.

Joan, run a search in the Nick.

Yaarun Nabi. Y-A-A-R-U-N N-A-B-I.

- Yaarun Nabi is a Persian name.
- Yeah?

It means"friend of the prophet."

- Getting anything?
- Four a.k.a. 's.

Yaquin Kashani, Raqim Ali,
Yamin Bandari, Yawar Aryanpur.

Run them.

I wonder if they all mean
"friend of the prophet"?

I guess that would be silly.
Or at least remarkably coincidental.

That the aliases would mean
the same thing as the actual name.

I mean, you gotta ask,
what good would an alias be if it...?


Get me the Secret Service Joint
Operations Center at the White House.


- Yeah?
- I'm going home.

- It's only 5.
- Yeah. I'm heading home.

You can't go yet.
You have to talk to the students.

- What students?
- From Presidential Classroom.

- What are you talking about?
- High school kids who were accepted... .

They come to Washington
for four days.

They get to meet with interesting
people, and you're one.

- When did this get on my schedule?
- It's been there.

No, it hasn't. It just...

- There isn't anybody else?
- It's supposed to be you.

- I have to work.
- Work in the office.

I can't work in the office. We've
crashed five times in three weeks.

When I'm not being evacuated,
I'm not being allowed to leave.

And now the one... .
God, Donna, I wanna go home.

Josh, it's been on your schedule.

I'll give them a few minutes,
but then I gotta go, okay?

- Yeah.
- When am I supposed to do this?

- Now.
- Where are they?

They're right in the northwest lobby.

Good evening. Good to see you. You're
the group from Presidential something?

- Classroom.
- Classroom?

- Supervisor, Marjorie Mann.
- Josh Lyman.

- Thank you for taking the time.
- So how'd you all get here?

- Bus.
- I meant...

They qualify with essays,

...grades in history and government.
It's very competitive.

All right. I'm Josh Lyman. I'm the
deputy White House chief of staff.

I joined the Bartlet campaign
shortly before the lowa Caucus...

...and served
as the campaign's political director.

Before that I worked for
then-Senator John Hoynes for a while...

- Josh?
- Yeah?

- Station one. Code black. Crash.
- All right. Something's about to happen.

Don't let it frighten you.
They'll seal the building.

- Stay where you are, please.
- Everybody, please stay where you are.

Mr. Lyman, are these kids with you?

Yeah, I guess they are.

Something's happened.

Right in here.
Just grab a seat anywhere.

Right in here. This is the mess.
This is where we eat lunch.

We'll just wait here.

- What's going on?
- How should I know.

Would you call Leo's office
and find out what's going on.

- More important, how long?
- They're probably scared.

- You might try lightening up a little bit.
- Yeah, I'll definitely give that a try.

Okay. Well, this is called a crash.

It means there's been some kind
of security breach...

...and no one's allowed
in or out of the building.

Would you call Leo's office?

So I guess we should use this time.

This is the White House, the home
of the president and executive branch...

...the most powerful of the three
branches of the federal government.

- Yeah.
- Actually, Mr. Lyman...

...didn't the framers make sure
that the executive branch...

...was the weakest of the branches?

We were breaking off
from the royalist model...

...that put absolute power
in just one place.

Isn't that why they made the legislative,
or people's branch, the most powerful?

- What's your name?
- I'm Billy Fernandez.

I'll call you Fred. A little knowledge
can be a dangerous thing.

I don't know how long we're gonna
be here, but you just made my list.

Yes, I suppose technically,

...the legislative branch is the most
powerful, but we get a motorcade.

So back off.

You already know about the branches
of government. I assume... know how a bill becomes a law.

What do you want to talk about?

Guys, seriously,
it's nothing to worry about.

We've been having these crashes once
a week. Somebody ask me something.

So, what's the deal
with everybody trying to kill you?

Well, it's not everybody,
and they're trying to kill you too.

- But mostly you.
- No. Both of us the same.

Let's go. It doesn't have
to be about politics.

You're off to college. I'm the guy
who knows what you need to know.

Sophomore year, my roommates and
I got a fish registered for 18 credits...

...and she made dean's list.

We made a dean's list of a different sort,
but that doesn't matter.

- Do you get scared coming to work?
- No.

I mean, we're bystanders, basically...

...and we work around people who
routinely put themselves in harm's way.

The Secret Service and the military.
You know, on the protection detail...

...they practice 1000 different scenarios
for a gun.

Who tackles the president,
opens the car, covers the perimeter.

There's one guy whose job it is
to stand in front of the bullet.

Not get the shooter, stand in front
of the bullet. I've seen them do it.

- Do you ever think about quitting?
- No.

Well, my mother wants me to.

My family members have a habit
of dying before you're supposed to.

So it's just me and my mom now.

You guys know, I guess,
that I got accidentally...

...shot a little bit or something
in Roslyn.

So she'd like to see me
in the private sector. But I tell her... government salary may not
be a lot, but I still make more...

...than the guy whose job it is
to stand in front of the bullet.

So how do I tell him I'll quit?

So she made me this box...

...that I'm supposed to keep
in the trunk of my car, and it's got...

...a super-powered flashlight,
five gallons of water...

...and a transistor radio
and some first aid.

But she keeps thinking
of things to add to it.

She'll call and say,
"I found that cap...

...that Dad got Joe Pepitone
to sign for you on your birthday.

You wore it every day in seventh grade.
Should I send it, so you can put it in?"

So I'll say,"Yeah, Ma,
let's put it in the box."

So anyway, I don't know against who.
I don't know what it's gonna look like...

...but one of these days we're gonna
have a big win. And for a lot of us...

...who've seen what we've seen,
we're not leaving till we do.

I'm gonna be here six presidents
from now in my office...

...Wile E. Coyote and a map.

- So why is everybody trying to kill us?
- It's not everybody.

- It seems like everybody.
- It's just the Arabs.

Saying"the Arabs" is too general.

- It's Islamics.
- It's not Arabs. It's not Islamics.

- They're juniors and seniors?
- Yes.

You're juniors and seniors. In honor
of the SATs you're about to take...

...answer the following question.

Islamic extremist is to Islamic,
as blank is to Christianity.


...extremist... to...

...Islamic... blank is to Christianity.

- Christian fundamentalists.
- No.

- Jehovah's Witnesses?
- No. Guys...

...the Christian right
may not be your cup of tea...

...but they're not blowing stuff up.
Islamic extremist is to Islamic... blank is to Christianity.

That's what we're talking about.

It's the Klan gone medieval and global.

It couldn't have less to do
with Islamic men and women of faith...

...of whom there are millions.

Muslims defend this country in the Army,
Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps...

...National Guard,
police and fire department.

So let's ask the question again.

Why are Islamic extremists
trying to kill us?

A reasonable question if ever I heard
one. Why are we targets of war?

- Because we're Americans.
- That's it?

- It's our freedom.
- No other reasons?

- Freedom and democracy.
- I'll tell you.

Right or wrong,
and I think they're wrong...'s a good idea to acknowledge
that they do have specific complaints.

I hear them every day.

The people we support...

...troops in Saudi Arabia,
sanctions against Iraq... for Egypt.
It's not that they dislike Irving Berlin.

- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.

I don't know about Irving Berlin,
but your ridiculous search for reasons...

...why somebody straps
on a bomb is ridiculous.

- You called me ridiculous twice.
- Hardly a record for me.

- You made my list.
- Nothing happens on the list.

It's a serious list. But she does have
a point, albeit college-girlish.

Watch as he puts me down and
makes my point at the same time.

Hardly a record for me.
What's Islamic extremism?

It's strict adherence
to a particular interpretation...

...of seventh century Islamic law... practiced
by the prophet Mohammad.

And when I say strict adherence,
I'm not kidding around.

Men are forced to pray,
grow their beards a certain length.

Among my favorites is...

...there's only one acceptable cheer
at a soccer match:

Allahu akbar, God is great.

If your guys are getting creamed,
then you're on your own.

Things are a lot less comic
for women...

...who aren't allowed
to attend school or have jobs.

They're not allowed to be
unaccompanied and oftentimes...

...get publicly stoned to death
for crimes like not wearing a veil.

I don't have to tell you,
they won't shout at a soccer match...

...they're never gonna go to one.

So, what bothers them about us?

The variety of cheers alone
coming from the cheap seats... Giants Stadium is enough
for a jihad.

To say nothing of street corners lined... next to synagogue
next to mosque.

Newspapers that can print anything
they want. And women...

...who can do anything, including
taking a rocket ship to outer space... and play soccer.

This is a plural society.

That means we accept more
than one idea. It offends them.

So yes, she does have a point, but it
doesn't mean you should listen to her.

- So, what do we do now?
- What?

- What do we do now?
- I think for help with that question...

...we need people smarter than I am.
- Definitely.

The thing is, that's pretty tough to find.

But I'm gonna go see if I can get
some of my friends to join us.

Listen, I don't know
what's going on...

...and I don't know how long
we're gonna be here.

- You guys hungry?
- Yeah.

Freddy, grab a couple people,
go to the kitchen...

...and get apples and peanut butter.

Guys, I've gotten entire pieces
of legislation through Congress...

...on apples and peanut butter.

I'll be back in a little bit.

- Secret Service! Don't move!
- Show us your hands.

- Do it now. Are you Raqim Ali?
- Yes. There's...

Stay calm. I'm Special Agent Ron
Butterfield of the U.S. Secret Service.

Keep your hands over your head
and step away from the window.

We're gonna ask you some questions.

Five hours ago, Khuram Sharif
was taken into custody...

...while crossing
from Ontario into Vermont.

There was a warrant
for his arrest in connection...

...with an attempted bombing
at LaGuardia.

Turning state's evidence over to the U.S.
attorney, he named coconspirators... of whom was Yaarun Nabi.

A preliminary check
in the NCIC kicked out five aliases... of which was Raqim Ali.

There are three Raqim Alis.

One's a software designer in Spokane.

- Another is a caterer in Los Angeles.
- Who's the third?

He works in the White House.

- It was only a matter of time, huh?
- Yeah.

- Have you ever heard of Khuram Sharif?
- Yes.

He was arrested in connection
with an attempted bombing...

...of one of the New York airports.

I think he may have also been arrested
once in Paterson, New Jersey.

- Paterson mean something to you?
- I was born there.

- Where'd you go to school?
- Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

I have a bachelor's degree
in applied mathematics.

- You know who I am?
- Of course I know who you are.

Kill them all, yeah.

- All the Islamic extremists?
- No, no, I mean everyone.

You're all bothering me.
I want to be left alone.

The only way that's
gonna happen is to be alone.

So I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have
to let you all go.

Except the Yankees and the Knicks.

The Yankees and the Knicks
are gonna need someone to play... keep the Red Sox
and the Lakers...

...and the Laker Girls and the Palm.

And we'll need to keep the people who
work at the Palm. That's it, though.

The Yankees, the Red Sox,
the Knicks, the Lakers...

...the Laker Girls and anyone who works
at the Palm. Sports, Laker Girls...

...and well-prepared steak,
that's all I need.

Sometimes I like
to mix it up with Italian.

And Chinese. You can stay, but
don't bug me. You're on probation.

Don't forget,
I was this close to banishing you.

This is Toby Ziegler. And actually...

...he's in charge of crafting
our message to the public.

- And today that message is?
- Don't bug me?

- That's right.
- Nice beard.

My choice, sister.

There's nothing wrong
with a religion...

...whose laws say a man's gotta wear a
beard or cover his head or wear a collar.

It's when violation of these laws
become a crime against the state...

...and not your parents,
that we're talking about lack of choice.

"Islamic extremist is to Islamic,
as KKK is to Christianity."

That's a good religious analogy.
What's a political analogy?

What's an analogy using governments?

- They don't have a government.
- They have the Taliban.

- They have the Afghan government.
- Taliban isn't...

...the recognized government
of Afghanistan.

The Taliban took over the
recognized government of Afghanistan.

- And there's your political analogy.
- What do you mean?

When you think of Afghanistan,
think of Poland.

When you think of the Taliban,
think of the Nazis.

When you think of Afghan citizens,
think of Jews in concentration camps.

A friend of my dad's...

...was at one of the camps.
He used to come over to the house...

...and he and my dad shot pinochle.

He said he once saw a guy
at the camp kneeling and praying.

He said,"What are you doing?"

The guy said he was thanking God.

And my dad's friend said,"What could
you possibly be thanking God for?"

He said,"I'm thanking God
for not making me like them."

Bad people
can't be recognized on sight.

There's no point in trying.

Actually, we already covered that.

- It's worth covering twice, you agree?
- I do.

- Yeah?
- Pinochle's a card game?

- I've changed my mind. Kill them all.
- Laker Girls?

- No. All right.
- What was the first act of terrorism?

- What was the first act of terrorism?
- I could answer, but he's asking you.

I know it's not new.

I know in the 11 th century...

I'm gonna have trouble pronouncing
this... In the 11 th century...

...secret followers
of al-Hasan ibn-al-Sabbah...

...who were taught
to believe in nothing and dare all...

...carried out very swift and treacherous
murders of fellow Muslims...

...and did it in a state of
religious ecstasy. As a matter of fact...

...young men between 12 and 20
were given hashish...

...and smuggled into...
I really don't know what to call it.

A specially designed pleasure
garden, complete with concubines.

They were told this was paradise and the
master's angels would carry them back...

...if they carried out murders
of the master's enemies.

Temptation. I have named thee
and thy name is woman.

This is Sam Seaborn,
deputy communications director.

Now, don't be frightened
when I tell you now that, in this room...

...Sam is the knowledgeable
terrorism expert.

The good news is
that in this government...

...we have extremely
knowledgeable experts.

- I heard I was needed. I came.
- We were talking about al...

Am I pronouncing this right,
al-Hasan ibn-al-Sabbah?

- Yeah, from the 11 th century.
- Yeah.

By the way, the Arabic name for their
secret order has survived until today.

Can anybody guess what it was?
The Arabic name?

- You know.
- Assassins.

Assassins, that's right.

Yeah, we don't call on him.

- What's going on?
- I have a Treasury meeting.

I had a 6:00 on the Hill.
Now I'm stuck here...

...talking with children who can't vote.

- You know a lot about terrorism?
- I dabble.

What are you struck by most?

- It's a 100 percent failure rate.
- Really?

Not only do terrorists fail
at what they're after...

...they always strengthen
what they're against.

- What about the I.R.A.?
- The Brits are still there.

Protestants are still there.
Basque extremists...

...have been staging attacks
in Spain for decades with no result.

Left-wing Red Brigades
from the '60s and '70s...

...from Baader-Meinhof Gang
in Germany... the Weathermen in the U.S.
have tried to overthrow capitalism.

- How's capitalism doing?
- What about nonviolent protest?

- What about it?
- Well, it worked for Gandhi.

- Yeah, it did. Who else did it work for?
- The civil rights movement.

- That's right.
- Yeah, but...

...weren't we terrorists
at the Boston Tea Party?

Nobody got hurt
at the Boston Tea Party.

Except some fancy boys who didn't have
anything to wash down their crumpets.

We jumped out while the British came
down the road in bright red jackets...

...but never has a war
been so courteously declared.

It was on parchment,
with calligraphy...

...and,"Your Highness, we beseech
on this day to bite me if you please."

Can I go back to what you were
saying at the beginning?

- Yeah.
- About it being 100 percent ineffective.

- Yeah.
- They're still doing it anyway.

- Yeah.
- They're not frustrated by the failure.



...what do you call a society
that has to live every day...

...with the idea that
the pizza place you're in...

...can just blow up without warning?
- Israel.

Can you tell us about the wire
in your backpack?

It's for my computer.

My apartment is in an old building.
I needed old telephone wires... I could upgrade my motherboard.
- You're an expert in circuitry and wiring?

My father works
for the phone company.

I want to talk about
the applied mathematics degree.

- Yeah.
- Why are you working for a secretary?

- L... What do you mean?
- We don't do a lot of math around here.

Well, my interests shifted.
I became interested in policy.

You're aware that the
intelligence agencies routinely recruit... mathematicians, often out of MIT,
and train them to be cryptographers?

- Sure.
- And those cryptographers...

...on a daily basis,
code and decode messages...

...sent between the White House,
the State Department and the Pentagon?


Last year your father
made a contribution... something called
the Holy Land Defender.

Were you aware of the contribution?

Mr. McGarry, I understand
the need for these questions...

...and I hope you noticed I've been
cooperating. But if you drag my father...

...into this pitiful exercise,
I'm afraid I'm gonna get angry.

I don't think you understand the
seriousness of what's happening now.

I don't think you do.

No. No. No, no, no.
You've walked into quicksand.

- You don't ask C.J. about the CIA?
- You just don't do it.

C.J. has a bizarre affection for the
intelligence community that we don't.

- Bizarre? How about right?
- Okay.

This song is called,
"The CIA, Our Maligned Little Brother."

- Oh, God.
- We need spies. Human spies.

Spy satellites are great for detecting if
Khrushchev's put missiles in Cuba...

...but to overhear a conversation over
coffee in Khyber Pass, you need a spy.

Wanna get jobs and serve your country?
Study Arabic, Chinese and Farsi.

This'd be a good time for"Our Maligned
Little Brother, Civil Liberties."

- Liberties shmiberties.
- C.J. Cregg.

You know of a way
without tapping phones?

What about illegal searches, profiling?
You know what Benjamin Franklin said?

He said,"Hey, look,
I've invented the stove."

He said,"They that can give up
essential liberty... obtain a little temporary safety
deserve neither liberty nor safety."

What's your name?

I'm on it.

We're not talking about temporary
safety, and we don't need to search...

...for clear and present danger.

- What's the point to fighting terrorism?
- To insure freedom, Pokey.

- I don't need the brochure.
- You do.

Because during times
of crisis and threat...

...America has used draconian measures.
I think you've forgotten...

...just how effective they've been.
Can you name some?

- The Blacklist.
- I want her to name them.

- The Blacklist.
- Thank you.

I take civil liberties seriously.
We haven't talked about free speech...

...and getting lynched by the patriotism
police for voicing a minority opinion.

That said,
we're gonna have to do stuff.

We're gonna tap phones.
And we're gonna partner with people...

...who are the lesser evil.
Terrorists don't have armies and navies.

They don't have capitals. Some of them,
we have to walk up to and shoot.

We can root terrorists' nests...

...but some won't be taken
by the 105th Tank Division.

Some of these guys are gonna be taken
by a busboy with a silencer.

It's time to give the intelligence agencies
the money and the manpower they need.

We don't hear about their successes.
The Soviets never crossed the Elbe.

The North Koreans stayed behind
the 38th Parallel.

During the millennium, no incidents.

Think the terrorists decided
to take that day off?

Not much action that day?
End of song.

- You were arrested two years ago.
- Yes, and the charges were dropped.

You were arrested for rallying
without a permit.

It hadn't processed,
and the charges were dropped.

- What were you protesting?
- U.S. troops in Saudi Arabia.

What is your concern
with our troops in Saudi Arabia?

Saudi Arabia is the home
to two of our holiest mosques.

Mecca is there. What if I camped
out front of the Vatican...

...with a bunch of M-16s?
- Fine, if you're protecting the Vatican.

- Mr... .
- We sent troops there to make sure...

...our friends didn't cross the Kuwaiti
border and seize Saudi territory.

- You mean Saudi oil.
- Yes, we have oil interests in the Gulf.

- So does the rest of the world.
- You sent an Army of women and men... protect a Muslim dynasty
where women can't drive.

Maybe we can teach them.

Anyway, that's what I was protesting.

You went to Edison High School
in Paterson?

- Correct.
- On December 3rd, 1994...

...someone called in a bomb threat
to the school.

Yeah. I remember there were bomb
threats. I remember more than one...

...but I don't remember the exact dates.
- Police questioned you.

Yeah, it's on my school transcript
because I wasn't arrested.

- What'd they ask you?
- If I called in a threat, which I didn't.

Did you know who did?

Football players
that didn't want to take a chem final.

It was a couple of football players,
but they called you in.

It's not uncommon for Arab-Americans
to be the first suspected...

...when that sort of thing happens.
- I can't imagine why.

- Look...
- No! I'm trying to figure out...

...why anytime there's terrorist activity
people always assume it's Arabs.

I'm racking my brain.

I don't know the answer, Mr. McGarry,
but I can tell you that it's horrible.

Well, that's the price you pay.

Excuse me?

The price I pay for what?

Continue the questions.

There's nothing more American
than coalition building.

The first thing John Wayne
did was put together a posse.

That's a hell of an example, C.J.

Shouldn't you think of ways
to find aid and comfort for Intelligence?

They may need some comforting now.
When this crash is over...

...get in fishnets and head to a bar.
- I will.

- Yeah.
- Where do terrorists come from?

- Where do they come from?
- Everywhere.

Mostly they come from exactly
where you expect.

Places of abject poverty and despair.

Impoverished places are an
incubator for the worst crime.

Which is the same as it is right here.

It's the same as it is here.

I live in Southeast D.C.

If you don't know the area,
think Compton or South Central L. A... .

...Detroit, the South Bronx, dilapidated
schools, drugs, guns and what else?

- Gangs?
- Gangs.

Gangs give you a sense of belonging
and usually an income.

But mostly,
they give you a sense of dignity.

Men are men, and men'll seek pride.

Everybody here's got a badge to wear.

"I'm the deputy
communications director."

"I made Presidential Classroom."
"I know. I'm going to Cornell."

You think bangers walk around
with heads down saying:

"Oh, man, I didn't make anything
out of my life. I'm in a gang."

No, man. They're walking around saying,
"Man, I'm in a gang. I'm with them."

- Good evening, Mr. President.
- Hello.

- Everyone, stand up.
- What the hell's going on?

This is a group of high school students
from Presidential Classroom.


You women seem bright and lovely.
The men, disturbingly dense.

- Ignore him. The rest of us do.
- Excuse me.

Weren't you coming to get me
apples and peanut butter?

We're out of apples, sir.

- So we're stuck here, huh?
- Yes, sir.

- Well, I live here.
- Yes, sir.

I'm going back to my office.
Nice meeting you all.

- I'm gonna stay here a few minutes.
- Sir?

- Yeah?
- Are you a man of principle?

I try to be.

Well, don't you consider... .

I know they're our enemy,
but don't you consider there's...

...something noble
about being a martyr?

A martyr would rather suffer death
at the hands of an oppressor...

...than renounce his beliefs.

Killing yourself and innocent people
to make a point... sick, twisted, brutal,
dumb-ass murder.

I leave you with this, before I search
for the apples that were rightfully mine.

We don't need martyrs right now.
We need heroes.

A hero would die for his country,
but he'd much rather live for it.

It was good meeting you all.

- Thank you, Mr. President.
- Thank you, sir.

Why were you in Uzbekistan?

It was my Russia trip. I went there
with friends after graduation.

Can you tell me
about the Islamic League of Allston?

It used to be my mosque.

- We found him.
- Where?


I'm fine.

Mr. Ali, you're free to go. Thank you.

Thank you.

You know what, Mr. McGarry?

You have the memory
of a gypsy moth.

When you and the president and his
daughter and 100 other people...

...including me, were met with
a hail of.44-caliber gunfire in Roslyn...

...not only were the shooters white, they
were doing it because one of us wasn't.

- How did all this start?
- How did what all start?

Well, this.


God said to Abraham,"Look toward
the heaven and number the stars...

...and so shall your descendants be."

But Abraham's wife, Sarah,
wasn't getting any younger...

...and God wasn't coming
through on his promise.

I was very young when I had my kids.
I was very, very, very, very young.

I was barely even born yet when I
had my oldest daughter, Elizabeth.

Anyway, Sarah was getting older,
and she was getting nervous...

...because she didn't have any children.

So she sent Abraham
to the bed of her maid, Hagar.

And Abraham and Hagar had Ishmael.

And not long after they did,
God kept his promise to Sarah... he always intended to.
And Abraham and Sarah had Isaac.

And Sarah said to Abraham,
"Cast out this slave woman...

...with her son.
For the son of this slave woman...

...will not be heir with my son, Isaac."

And so it began.

The Jews, the sons of Isaac.
The Arabs, the sons of Ishmael.

But what most people find important
to remember is that in the end...

...the two sons came together
to bury their father.

I think most people
also find it important to remember...

...that the whole thing took place
about 73 million years ago.


Excuse me, ma'am, we're clear.

Well, that's that, then.

It was good talking with you guys.
Hang in there.

Thank you.

Well, all right. That's it then.

- Can I ask one more question?
- Yeah.

- Do you favor the death penalty?
- No.

- But we should kill these people?
- You don't have the choices in a war...

...that you do in a jury room,
but I wish... .

I wish we didn't have to.
I think death is too simple.

What would you do instead?

I'd put them in a small cell
and make them watch home movies...

...of the birthdays and baptisms and
weddings of every person they killed...

...over and over, every day,
for the rest of their lives.

And then they'd get punched
in the mouth every night at bedtime... a different person every night.
There'd be a long list of volunteers.

But that's all right, we'll wait.

But listen,
don't worry about all this right now.

We got you covered.
Worry about school.

Worry about what you'll tell
your parents when you break curfew.

You're gonna meet guys.
You're gonna meet girls.

Not so much you, Fred.
Learn things, be good to each other... the newspapers, go to the
movies, go to a party, read a book.

In the meantime, remember pluralism.

You want to get these people?

I mean, you really wanna reach in
and kill them where they live?

Keep accepting more than one idea.

Makes them absolutely crazy.


See you later. Okay.

- Thank you.
- Thank you. Thanks a lot. It was fun.

Don't steal anything on the way out.
Okay. Bye-bye.

Billy, listen.

Just keep doing what you're doing.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- See you.
- Bye.

Good evening.

That's the price you pay...

...for having the same
physical features as criminals.

That's what I was gonna say.

- No kidding.
- I'm sorry about that.

Also, about the crack I made about
teaching Muslim women how to drive.

I think if you talk to people who
know me, they'd tell you that...

...that was unlike me, you know.

We're obviously all under...

...a greater than usual amount of... .
You know.

And like you pointed out
with the shooting and everything... .

Yeah, all right.

Well, that's all.

Hey, kid.

Way to be back at your desk.