The West Wing (1999–2006): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Midterms - full transcript

Previously on The West Wing:

You go out with Zoey,
there's gonna be a lot of people...

...unhappy seeing you
and the president's daughter.

- You're getting death threats.
- Are they white supremacists?

- I know what I'm looking for.
- What happened?

- It's a gunshot wound. No exit.
- It didn't hit anything. They'll make sure.

The guy the Secret Service have
in custody is Carl Leroy.

A bullet collapsed your lung.
I'm trying to re-expand it.

He tried to kill the president
because Zoey and I are together?

Charlie, the president wasn't
the target.

It's called the "Theory of Everything. "



- The Theory of Everything?
- Yes.

Is it comprehensive?
That was a joke there, pal of mine.

- Lead with this.
- I'm missing the OMB stats.

- They're coming.
- C.J., lead with this.

- I'm not leading with it.
- Yes, you are.

- Okay.
- So you got it?

- Sure.
- So you got what you're saying?

- Also the EPA.
- The committee isn't out till 3:00.

- Say it for me.
- He's making me crazy.

- I heard that.
- I know how a speakerphone works.

- Say it for me.
- I have to get to the briefing room.

Say it, please.

" Psychics at Caltech and the Fermi
National Accelerator Lab are close to...

Physicists.



Theoretical physicists at Caltech.

- Not psychics?
- No.

- I should jot that down.
- Please.

If it was psychics I'd lead with it.
Talk to you later, Mi amor.

- The OMB stats.
- Thanks. You can set them down.

Let Josh rant a little
before you hang up the phone.

- C.J.?
- Yes, ma'am.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics is
gonna report the Cpl jumped 0.7%.

It's the biggest one-month increase
since they started tracking in '52.

Let me say this: The market basket
used to calculate the Cpl is antiquated...

Say outdated.

And doesn't include some household
items like computers...

Where prices are always dropping.
And doesn't reflect...

...technical improvements
like air bags in automobiles...

...which increase
the price of the car...

...but provide a greater value
to the consumer. Got it?

Let's find out.

Mention the underwriting changes for
the Federal Housing Administration.

The networks will want
special coverage.

The adjustments are in
FHA-related lending.

They'll need time to put
together a logo and music.

- The Bureau of Labor Statistics...
- Reported the Cpl jumped 0. 7%.

- Thank you.
- C.J.?

- Holy interruptus, Batman.
- Grant Samuels died.

- Really? He's really dead this time?
- Yeah.

- Last time you said he was, he wasn't.
- He is this time.

- Somebody poked him to see if...
- He died.

- Then I shouldn't have made a joke.
- I'm almost certain he's dead.

I was making a joke too.
What, you work alone?

He's survived by
his wife, Eileen, son, Robert...

...two daughters
and eight grandchildren.

- I won't learn their names.
- Fine.

Eileen, Robert, Priscilla, Patty.

- I assume it was complications due to...?
- Yeah.

You know about theoretical physics?

- The Grand Unified Theory.
- Know anything about it?

- No.
- Okay.

Folks, please take your seats.
The briefing will start now.

Good morning. I have to start
with a sad announcement.

Congressman Grant Samuels finally
succumbed to pneumonia.

His wife, Eileen, his son, Robert,
his daughters Priscilla and Patty...

...and his eight grandchildren are all
in the president's thoughts.

I also want to talk about
the Bureau of Labor Statistics...

...and the Federal Housing
Administration.

And as a special treat for Josh Lyman,
who's recovering very nicely at GW...

...the president's science adviser
is saying that psychics at Caltech...

...and the Fermi National
Accelerator Lab....

I'm pretty sure that was
supposed to be "physicists. "

- Eighty-one percent.
- And all we had to do was get shot at.

- 81%.
- Those numbers are soft.

- You think?
- You don't?

The job approval was at 51. We got
shot at, it's 81. The numbers are soft.

Still, 81%....

- Good morning, Mr. President.
- Good morning, everybody.

Anybody know what the word
"acalculia" means?

It's an inability to perform
arithmetic functions.

Sorry. You wanted to answer that.

- Yeah, but I'll get over it.
- That's mature.

- Shut up.
- You're not over it?

- No.
- Okay.

- Did we really poll at 81%?
- Those are CNN/USA Today.

- It's soft.
- No.

When asked "Whose approach on
national problems do you think is best...

...Bartlet or the Republican leaders
of Congress, " Bartlet gets 61%.

Well, 19% of the country has
made up their minds about me.

20% just feels sorry for me, which
is what you want if you're president.

- Give us an overview.
- We have a shot to take back the House.

That and getting two seats
net in the Senate.

And two governorships
and six State Houses.

- Where should we look?
- Indiana 6th, California 4th and 14th.

- Michigan 12th.
- Texas 12th.

Florida 4, 5 and 9.

We won't elect
a Democrat in the Florida 9th.

- Sorry, Florida 8th.
- They won't elect one there either...

...but let's put some time into it.
What else?

- I can hold or you can call me back.
- An inability to do arithmetic functions.

Apparently there's a specialized circuit
in the brain for numbers.

- Know where it is?
- Sorry?

- It's in the left parietal lobe.
- Thank you.

- Hey, Zoey.
- Hey. Where's Mrs. Landingham?

A funeral. President's in there.

I'm here to see him, not my father.

- Do you know what acalculia means?
- Yes, because I got it at breakfast.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Mrs. Landingham asked me
to ask you to call Technical Support...

...and have them look at her computer.
Ask for Andrew Mackintosh.

- She only trusts him.
- Mackintosh?

- Like the apple.
- Sure.

Thank you.

- I called you last night.
- I got home late.

- Where were you?
- Here.

- I called here too.
- I'm not lying to you.

I don't think you're lying. I think you
were here or didn't return my call.

I was here, I got no message.
I was home, I got it.

- It was too late to call you.
- I don't mind being woken up.

Well, now I know that.

- Now you know that?
- Excuse me.

We haven't been dating
for nine months?

I've got to go in there.

Cumberland, Monroe,
possibly Stanwyck.

Since you brought them up,
can I say a word about the shooting?

- The honeymoon's about to be over.
- She's right.

We don't wanna look like we're
taking advantage of the situation.

- Why not?
- Why not what?

The country was a victim of domestic
terrorism. Why not use the numbers...

...before they disappear and go after
the guns and go after the hate groups?

- It doesn't look good.
- Looks good to me.

You work for the White House, we were
counting on your support either way.

For questions about the midterms, say,
"We haven't thought that far ahead. "

And when they ask about
the link between approval numbers...

...and the shooting, the president's
deeply gratified by the public's support...

- ... but eager to focus on the issues.
- Which will be?

I'll let you know.
Thank you very much, everyone.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Mr. President.

It's fine. Tell him around 3:00.
Was Zoey out there?

- Yes.
- Is she still here?

- I don't know, sir.
- Okay.

- Leo?
- Yes, sir?

Did you know Elliot Roush is running
for school board in Manchester?

I didn't, sir, but then I don't know
who Elliot Roush is.

- My Elliot Roush.
- Sorry, sir. I'm still not...

I beat him in my first
congressional campaign.

I can't believe I didn't commit
that arcane information to memory.

I want polling numbers on that race.

I don't want you focusing your attention
on a New Hampshire school board race.

Because looking at two numbers
takes the life out of me.

- I know where this is going.
- Get me the numbers.

I'm ready to go out there.
I don't need to wait another week.

Sir, let's play a game of "Who Do
You Think I'm Gonna Agree With? "

14 doctors say you should wait a week
before assuming a campaign schedule.

Who will I agree with?

- Get away from me.
- Yes, sir.

Sam?

- Is he here?
- Want me to bring him back?

I'll go get him myself.

- Tom?
- Sam.

- Hello.
- Hope you weren't waiting long.

No. I mean, I don't mind.
Sam, this is my wife, Sarah.

- Hi.
- It's nice to meet you.

- You got married.
- Two years, with a baby on the way.

- Is it his?
- Yeah.

- Okay. Follow me.
- Okay.

Tom and I had a professor at Duke
who couldn't stand me.

"Those may be your thoughts,
Mr. Seaborn, but that's not the law. "

I wanted to tell him
to take the law and shove it up...

- You ever been in the White House?
- No.

- We were looking forward to a tour.
- That's my office over there...

...the president works in that round room
there and no one else matters.

Come on in.

- This is the Mural Room.
- Can you tell us anything about it?

It's called the Mural Room. Have a seat.

- You know why I wanted to talk to you?
- I really don't.

Because the Democratic Congressional
Campaign Committee asked me to.

- Grant Samuels died a few days ago.
- We saw on the news.

He wasn't gonna run again
because he was sick...

...and the man who'd run in his place...

- Seymour Wirthin?
- Right. Isn't going to.

He's not running?

You're a phenomenally attractive
Democratic candidate for that district.

There are 162 games in a baseball
season and the players have a saying:

" Every team wins and loses 54 games.
It's the other 54 games that count. "

In your district,
the other 54 games are women.

Specifically, young mothers, among
whom the number one issue is crime.

You're a graduate of Oberlin
and Duke Law.

You passed up lucrative opportunities
to work for the D.A.

You're a prosecutor with
an exceptional conviction record...

...and nobody can say you're soft
on crime. You're active in local politics.

You are personable.
You are articulate and energetic.

You are married
and you are having a baby.

- I thought you didn't know that.
- Sorry?

Out there, it seemed like you didn't know
he was married with a baby coming...

...and now it sounded like
you already knew that.

Sarah, there's very little information
about him I don't have.

And tell your mom
happy birthday for me.

You'll have the weight of the
Democratic National Committee...

...the Congressional Campaign
Committee, the minority leader...

...whom we hope to make
the majority leader, and the president.

What do you say?
You wanna run for Congress?

There's a lot to consider, Sam.

- How much time do I have to consider it?
- Five minutes. I'll be outside.

- You're pissed at me?
- I could've used your support.

I support you like you support me,
when I agree with you...

...or when I don't care what you say.
This time I disagreed.

We shouldn't use this to get aggressive
about guns and hate groups?

We were victims of a crime and
it's unseemly to use this moment at all.

We're not taking advantage of anyone!
And even if we were, who cares?

Every Republican trying for the next
12 weeks to keep control of the House.

Toby, if you and the FBI
wanna go after hate groups...

...I'm not the one you have to convince.
Bag the president.

I will.

I've gotten calls about pieces
people wanna do...

...on how staffers are handling
the shooting and the aftermath.

- Psychologically?
- Yeah.

- It's not a good idea.
- We're not the story.

That's what I'm saying.

Leave me alone.

I've got it.

I've got it. I've got it. I've got it.

Bonnie. Ginger. I've got it.

- Excellent.
- Way to go.

Sam?

Sam?

- Sam?
- Right here.

- I thought you were in there.
- I wasn't.

- I've got it.
- Got what?

How to avoid the appearance that we're
randomly going after extremist groups...

- ... in violation of their civil liberties.
- We can avoid that by not doing it.

Yes, or with this: the shooting was the
action of not one, but at least three...

...card-carrying members
of West Virginia White Pride.

- They have cards?
- What?

- They have membership cards?
- Who the hell knows? It's an expression.

The key phrase is "at least. "
At least three members.

- There might be more.
- So the FBI has grounds to investigate...

Yes, to investigate the activities
of all extremist organizations.

Under a cover
of investigating this crime.

How do we know that Young Nazis
of Delaware weren't co-conspirators?

It's a common way
to get around the Bill of Rights.

- I'm surprised it took you so long.
- I had no help from anyone else.

- I'm taking it to Leo.
- Go ahead.

- Donna?
- Yes?

- You going to see Josh?
- I'm taking him lunch.

- Can I come?
- No.

- You know the rules.
- They're dumb.

- They are not dumb.
- Seriously...

I'm serious. He's recovering
from an attempted murder...

...he's supposed to rest. I don't want
people getting him fartusht.

Don't bring the Yiddish.

You know what word
should be Yiddish? Spatula.

- Also "far-fetched. "
- I need to talk about...

How to bring the hate crimes
to the president.

He's got the papers you wrote
and materials you sent.

- You talk on the phone 93 times a day.
- I'd like to talk to him at his apartment.

- No.
- Donna.

Maybe if you hadn't said
the rules were dumb.

Yeah.

- Hey, Leo.
- Hey, kid.

- I was looking for my dad.
- He's making campaign calls.

- He's not in the office.
- He's doing it from the residence.

- Why?
- Your father has a strict interpretation...

...of something called the Pendleton Act,
which prohibits campaign donations...

...to be solicited
on government property.

It's a little impractical for the president
to use a pay phone, isn't it?

- Exactly.
- Isn't the residence government property?

- Yes.
- Then why...?

Because your father is a demented,
demented man. I'm going over there.

- Leo, do you feel like Charlie's...?
- No.

- Sir...
- Forty-six percent.

- Yes, sir.
- The guy is polling at 46%.

I didn't think they had data on people
running for the board of education.

They don't.
I had to have our guys do it.

Sir, do you think you're obsessed
with this race?

He's polling at 46%. He's not a joke.
He's polling inside the margin.

In a race in a school district
that has 43 kids.

It has 1100 kids. And you don't take
these people seriously...

...because they don't
get anywhere nationally.

All they have to do is,
bit by little bit...

...get onto boards of education
and city councils.

That's where all the governing
that matters really happens.

- We do some governing here.
- I'm on hold with a guy whose name...

...I've got on an index card. How much
governing is going on around here today?

- And can you believe I'm on hold?
- You finished the call.

- I did?
- Yes, sir.

- How'd it go?
- Very well.

- Good morning, Mr. President.
- Elliot Roush is now polling at 46%.

How do you know?
You had our people check.

I have three daughters
who grew up there.

- Leave him alone. You beat him already.
- And he has come back.

Like crabgrass pulled from the lawn.
Not by the root, but by the other thing.

- I wanted to see how the calls are going.
- They're going fine.

- Then I'll leave.
- Can't tell you how much I'll miss you.

- You wanted to talk to me?
- Not if you're in this mood.

This is real.

A man who makes the Spanish Inquisition
look like a Barbara Walters special...

...is now polling at 46%
in your school district...

...for which I have personally
baked things to raise money.

- You can go too.
- You baked things?

- You can go.
- Thank you.

- What do you want?
- Dad, listen. Do you think Charlie...?

The calls are going well. We're still
getting asked to do aftermath stories.

- Psychological effects?
- Yeah. I was...

- Don't do it.
- No, I know. I was wondering...

You were wondering what?

- This won't be good.
- You were wondering what?

- Don't worry about it.
- Okay.

Hey, it's C.J. Cregg.

Step three: public disclosure
of membership...

...and contributor rolls for all
organizations on the list of hate groups.

This allows the public to know
who these people are...

...and where their funding is from.

And to do it in violation
of their right to free association.

Laws like that were passed
during the civil rights movement...

...to root out members of such terrorist
organizations as the NAACP.

The Supreme Court said those laws
were unconstitutional.

That was a Warren Court
that struck those down.

- They'd see it differently today.
- You're an ultra-activist.

And I was shot at,
and so I'm acting right now.

Sam?

He wants everyone
to register affiliation with the FBI.

- Any First Amendment problems?
- I'll get around them.

I need to talk to you.

- What's up?
- There's a problem with your friend.

- Which friend?
- Tom Jordan.

- What's wrong?
- His prosecutorial record.

- His prosecutorial record is great.
- Not during jury selection.

Preemptive challenges?

Your friend likes white juries
for black defendants.

- He's a prosecutor.
- Not now. Now he's a politician...

- ... and this needs a save, so get into it.
- Yeah.

- How did Tokyo open?
- I think up 3/8, but let me check again.

- Is that it for me?
- You've got phone calls still to make.

Wengland?
Frank Gates and McNamara?

- Yes, sir.
- Those are campaign calls.

Why don't you just stay in your office
and make the damn...?

Because I choose not to, Charlie.

Because however
an empty gesture it may seem...

...I would like to take notice
of the notion that it's not a good idea...

...for the most powerful person
in the world...

...to be calling up the people whose laws
he signs and asking them for money!

I'm gonna do it, but not behind
this desk. Not in this room. What else?

I was asked to tell you that an event
was added for Tuesday the 7th.

A reception for talk radio....
Hosts, I guess they're called.

It's three weeks away.
You don't need to commit right now.

Yeah.

I'll make these calls from the residence.

- Tell C.J. I wanna see her in an hour.
- Yes, sir.

Hello.

Are you a Cabinet secretary?

- Can you tell me your name?
- Jeffrey.

- Jeffrey what?
- Jeffrey Mackintosh.

- Like the apple?
- Yeah.

You're here with your dad?

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

When I tell you to sit and stay put,
you know what I need you to do?

That. I need you to do that.
Not some variation on that, but that.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

Okay, see, now I got to make you
rewire the house.

I'm Andrew Mackintosh
from Technical Support.

- I'm installing...
- I thought that was weeks ago.

- It was, but there were some bugs.
- Okay.

They said it was okay to bring my son.
My wife works nights.

- Sure.
- Let's go, big man.

- Take it easy, Jeffrey.
- Take it easy.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

- Leo?
- Sam, come in. Close the door.

- What's up?
- Josh is on speaker.

- Hey, Sam.
- What's going on?

A guy who went to college with Tom
says he was in an all-white fraternity.

- The papers are carrying it tomorrow.
- I checked that weeks ago.

It wasn't an exclusive fraternity,
they just didn't have any black pledges.

It's common to have
black fraternities and white fraternities.

But you put this together with the
preemptive challenges in voir dire...

...and leaders in African-American
communities have a problem.

- I'll talk to them.
- No, it's over, Sam.

I'm gonna cancel the president's stop
and shut down the money.

- You can't cut and run.
- There's no choice.

- We have a choice.
- We've got a chance at the House.

Leo must put the president
and money where it can win.

- Tom Jordan is running against a man...
- Don't tell me.

- We'll hand it to him.
- It won't matter if we get the House.

Jordan is down by seven
and he's not gonna come back from this.

And if we stand by him,
this is a national thing.

It could drag down black turnout
in districts where we're competitive.

- I told him....
- Yeah.

I told him we would stand behind him.

I told him he'd have
our full support.

- I was asked to ask him to run.
- I know.

We walk away now, that's it.
He's a racist.

The White House just said so.

We can't afford all the things
we want, Sam. It's over.

Hey, Leo. You know, there's something
called the "Superstring Theory"...

...which says that the universe
consists of these tiny loops of string...

...that vibrate at different frequencies.

How did that bullet not kill you?

- Just lucky, I guess.
- Yeah.

- Toby?
- Yeah.

Any chance I can see an advance copy of
the president's remarks for Asia-Pacific?

- What?
- Asia-Pacific?

I have a draft here. I'm gonna rewrite it.

- I thought I'd have it by today.
- Day's not over.

These pieces everyone wants to do
on the aftermath of the shooting...

...they've had me thinking.

Do you think there is a psychological
aftermath we're not paying attention to?

- I don't have time for this conversation.
- You should have this conversation.

- You think my problem is psychological?
- You've been ignoring responsibilities...

- That's crap.
- ... so you can act like the FBI director.

I'm waiting for the director of the FBI
to behave that way.

I'm waiting for the Justice Department
and Congress to behave that way.

I'm waiting for the White House
to behave that way!

Wanna lock up everybody
with a white sheet?

Yes, I do. Who has a problem with that?
Bring them to me right now. Yes, I do.

- He's ready for me?
- In the residence.

Thank you.

I'll be here for a while, so whenever
you can get me Asia-Pacific....

Give me an hour.

Come in.

- Good evening, Mr. President.
- Hi, C.J.

- Charlie said you wanted to see me.
- Yeah.

Why has there been no press mention...

...of the fact that Elliot Roush was
an opponent of mine in New Hampshire?

- Elliot Roush is the man...
- He's running in Manchester.

- I'm sure it's gotten some local coverage.
- Why isn't it more than local?

- It's a school board seat.
- It's a human interest story.

Not a very interesting one.

I'm saying if anyone in the press room
wanted to do this story...

...that I would comment on-the-record.

Sir....

The president can't publicly take sides
in a local school board election.

- Why can't he?
- Because it's not done.

And it's not fair. It's personal.

And it's irresponsible.
It will galvanize Republicans.

Democrats will think you don't
care about winning back the House.

I don't care about winning back
the House! I don't!

Well, I don't believe that's true...

...so let's just keep that
between you and me.

C.J....

I've known men of faith in my life.
Towering men.

Men of wisdom and compassion.
Men of all faiths.

Of healing and peace. Pro-choice.
Pro-life. Republican. Democrat.

Men and women of God.

Elliot Roush...

...is polling at 53%.
He's polling at 53%.

He's the front-runner.

Then that's the way it is.

In a democracy,
oftentimes other people win.

Yeah.

It was just a thought.

- But, I mean, obviously you're right.
- Yes, sir.

Thanks.

Thank you, Mr. President.

- Ginger?
- They're still too close to call.

- All 12?
- Yes.

Get me somebody in the Midwest.
I wanna see everybody on telephones.

Okay, good. Just like that.

God. Tom, Sarah.

I'm sorry, I forgot I was....

- I'm sorry. I'm glad you could make it.
- It was no problem coming, Sam.

Turns out there was really no reason
for us to stay in our district.

Yeah. You've seen the exits.
You're gonna lose, Tom.

- No kidding.
- Probably 58-42.

- Yeah.
- 42% is a very respectable number.

- The district's 49% Democrat, Sam.
- Well, we'll get them next time.

Shut up. There's not gonna be
a next time, so shut up.

Not even a word
from the White House.

- Not even a word.
- That's how we do it.

Sam?

Any time we have the opportunity
in the future to screw you...

...count on getting screwed.

Good luck with the baby.

No, that was K- TALK
out of Minneapolis.

You're thinking of SLAM-100
in the Great Lakes area.

- The number one station.
- But then it was classic rock.

Or what our program director thought
was classic rock. Fleetwood Mac.

Then they switched over to
news and information back in.... '82?

- '82, '83.
- We started with drive time...

- ... then went to the four-hour format.
- Is Howard showing up?

- Stern?
- I heard he would if Imus was coming.

And Imus wasn't showing up
if Howard was.

By the way, I was Dave in the Morning
before he was Imus in the Morning...

- ... but that's water under the bridge.
- Isn't Don Imus in his 70s?

I believe so, yes.

How were you
Dave in the Morning first?

It's very painful.

- I don't like to talk about it.
- Okay.

Fellas, I'm sorry, but it's Election Day
and I need to check in with the polls...

- ... and whatnot. Good meeting you.
- Good talking to you, C.J.

- Who's that?
- Jenna Jacobs.

- That's Jenna Jacobs?
- Yeah. She changed her hair.

- What's the latest?
- Twelve races too close to call.

- Thompson, Marinovich....
- I'm gonna go check in.

- Good evening.
- I'm drinking the most fantastic thing...

...I've ever tasted in my life.

Chocolate syrup, cold milk and seltzer.

It sounds terrible, but I don't know
where it's been all my life.

It's called an egg cream.
We invented it in Brooklyn.

- In Brooklyn?
- Yes, sir.

- Not New England?
- There are good things in this world...

- ... not from New England, sir.
- Toby, don't ever say that again.

Yes, sir.

- What's on your mind?
- Mr. President, I was thinking....

- I was thinking it might...
- You wanna take a leave of absence?

I was thinking I might
need some time off, yes, sir.

That's no problem, Toby.

- Okay.
- It's not a problem at all.

Thank you, sir.

Fifteen minutes.

It's time to get up off the mat, Toby.

What's so wrong with having
the attorney general designate...

...potentially dangerous organizations
that promote violent acts?

I understand it's problematic.
There'd be no judicial review...

...or legislative oversight,
or even, for that matter...

...legal finding of fact, but....

Okay, fine.

Why does it feel like this?

I've seen shootings before.

This wasn't a shooting, Toby.
It was a lynching.

They tried to lynch Charlie right in front
of our eyes. Can you believe that?

- What's this?
- Keyhole satellite photographs.

That's the headquarters
for West Virginia White Pride.

It's a diner outside Blacksburg.

Every night for the last 12 weeks...

...I've picked up the phone to call
the attorney general to say two words:

"Take them. "

Then I hang up, because I know
it'll be better tomorrow.

And better the day after that.

We saw a lynching, Toby.
That's why it feels like this.

I'm not sure I'll come out
the other side of this.

I'm not sure I can either.

But until we are sure...

...I think we should keep
coming to work every day.

How's it going
with your school board guy?

He's gonna win.

When you ran against him,
how'd you beat him?

I don't remember.
I've been thinking about it for weeks...

...but I honestly don't remember.

- Excuse me. Good evening.
- Hey, Sam.

I wasn't sure if you'd go
to the talk radio reception.

- I scratched out some remarks for you.
- Let me look at them.

- Toby, go with us to this radio thing.
- Oh, God. Really, sir?

There'll be crab puffs. New England
crab puffs made in New England.

- It's Alaskan crab.
- Sam....

There's Alaskan crab
in this White House?

He would've known the difference.

- Have you tried them?
- I...

Yes, reluctantly. It was clear
in the way I ate the crab puffs...

- ... that it was in protest.
- Were they good?

- Extraordinarily good and going fast.
- Let's get there.

- I call myself "Gary with a G. "
- How else would you spell Gary?

No other way. That's what I call myself.

"Gary with a G
talking to you on KADR a.m. "

- Like Liza with a Z.
- Exactly. Hokey? Maybe so.

- But I have 900,000 listeners.
- Would you excuse me?

Excuse me. Ladies and gentlemen?

Ladies and gentlemen?

The president of the United States.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thanks. I wish I could spend
more than a few minutes with you...

...but the polls don't close
in the East for another hour...

...and there are plenty
of election results still left to falsify.

With so many people participating
in the political and social debate...

...through call-in shows, it's a good idea
to be reminded every once in a while....

It's a good idea to be reminded
of the awesome impact....

The awesome impact....

I'm sorry.
You're Dr. Jenna Jacobs, right?

Yes, sir.

- It's good to have you here.
- Thank you.

The awesome impact of the airwaves
and how that translates into...

...the furthering of our national
discussions, but also how it can....

How it can....

Forgive me, Dr. Jacobs,
are you an MD?

- A Ph.D.
- A Ph.D.?

- Yes, sir.
- In psychology?

- No, sir.
- Theology?

- No.
- Social work?

I have a Ph.D.
in English literature.

I'm asking because on your show
people call in for advice...

...and you go by the name
Dr. Jacobs on your show...

...and I didn't know if your listeners
were confused and assumed...

...you had advanced training in
psychology, theology or health care.

I don't believe they are confused.

Good. I like your show.

I like how you call
homosexuality an abomination.

I don't say homosexuality
is an abomination, the Bible does.

- Yes, it does. Leviticus.
- 18:22.

Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you
a few questions while you were here.

I'm interested in selling my daughter into
slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.

She's a sophomore, speaks Italian,
always cleared the table when asked.

What would a good price for her be?

While thinking about that,
can I ask another?

My chief of staff, Leo McGarry,
insists on working on the Sabbath.

Exodus 35: 2 clearly says
he should be put to death.

Am I morally obligated to kill him myself
or is it okay to call the police?

Here's one that's important, because
we have a lot of sports fans in this town.

Touching the skin of a dead pig
makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7.

If they wear gloves, can the
Washington Redskins still play football?

Can Notre Dame? Can West Point?

Does the whole town really have to be
together to stone my brother John...

...for planting different crops
side by side?

Can I burn my mother
in a small family gathering...

...for wearing garments
made from two different threads?

Think about those questions,
would you? One last thing.

While you may be mistaking this
for your monthly meeting...

...of the Ignorant Tight-ass Club, in this
building, when the president stands...

...nobody sits.

Toby?

Yes, Mr. President.

That's how I beat him.

I'm just...

I'm just gonna take that crab puff.

You want one of my animal crackers?

I have...

...elephants and I have lions.

- Are you bugging the man?
- No.

- Is there a software problem?
- I think I got it.

I just want to run a few programs
and then I'll be out of here.

- Pretty busy day around here?
- Yeah.

- My name's Charlie Young.
- I know who you are.

The man who almost
got the president killed?

Yeah. That's gonna look good
on my résumé.

I'll just be a minute.

- My mother used to work nights too.
- I'm sorry?

My mother used to work nights too.

- Was she a nurse?
- A police officer.

Is she gone?

She was shot and killed
in the line a year ago June.

Ironically, she wasn't supposed to be
on the shift.

She switched shifts that day
because I asked her to.

Hey, Charlie, you know what I think
she'd say if she was here right now?

- What?
- The same thing my father would say.

If they're shooting at you,
you know you're doing something right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Excuse me. Aren't you Zoey Bartlet?

It's too much to happen
to someone your age.

Your father. Your mother. And then this.

I don't know....

Charlie, I mean...

...what do you do?

I was gonna go vote.

- I could come.
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi, Leo.

- I'm looking for the president.
- Is anything wrong?

No. I think he may have
done a couple of numbers...

- ... at the talk radio reception.
- Okay.

Zoey and I are going out.
I'll be on my pager.

You're going out?
You're taking extra protection, right?

- Hey, Leo, I...
- Secret Service protection, Charlie...

...but thanks for loading me up
with that image.

- We'll have extra protection.
- Okay.

Something about a dead pig's skin.
I need to find him.

Everybody should stay inside
for three months...

...so that they truly appreciate
the outdoors.

I appreciate the outdoors now.
I'm an outdoorsman.

Josh, I said I'd let you outside...

...if you stopped talking about being an
outdoorsman and theoretical physics.

You thought I'd forget about it.
Banner headline, five days ago:

"Model for the Unified Theory Solved. "
Banner headline in The New York Times.

- You said it wasn't news.
- You're wearing my pajamas.

Take your coat off. Let me see.

- Those are too big.
- Yes, they are.

All this time working together,
did you also think...

...I was playing power forward
for the Cleveland Cavaliers?

- I think they look good on you.
- I think you're both freaks.

- What do you have?
- You won't believe it.

How'd they go?

Twelve races. In none of them
did the incumbent win.

In none did the party
that previously held the seat win.

You know how it went?
7-5.

- You're kidding.
- Seven Republicans, five Democrats?

- Yeah.
- The House stayed the same?

After four months
and $400 million...

- ... everything stayed the same?
- Yeah.

Tell me democracy
doesn't have a sense of humor.

We sit here, we drink this beer
out here on this stoop...

...in violation of about
47 city ordinances.

I don't know, Toby, it's election night.

What do you say about a government...

...that protects even citizens
that try to destroy it?

God bless America.

God bless America.

- God bless America.
- God bless America.

God bless America.