The West Wing (1999–2006): Season 2, Episode 18 - 17 People - full transcript

Following the Vice-President's remarks to him, Toby realizes the truth behind the President's illness: multiple sclerosis. Toby, Leo, and Bartlet discuss the possible political implications...

Previously on The West Wing:

I made a deal with Abbey
because of my thing.

One term.

The energy secretary's gonna respond...

...and I'd like to mention that
to the vice president.

- Shouldn't have Bill Trotter do it.
- Who would you send?

To punch back?

- Me.
- I'm sure you know I was curious...

...about why you'd volunteer
for something like that.

Mr. Vice President,
what do you know that I don't?

Toby, the total tonnage
of what I know that you don't...

...could stun a team of oxen
in its tracks.

That's an incredible one in 500
Americans afflicted with this disease.

Which leads me to part two
of my question.

Senator, how is it that despite
the prevalence of this disorder...

...autism has received
less than 15 percent...?

- Leo?
- Hey. I didn't know you were still here.

What's going on?

I've been thinking. About why Hoynes
volunteered to slap down big oil.

- It was his polling information.
- Yeah, but why did he put the poll... the field at all,
is what I'm saying.

John Hoynes is an egomaniac who needs
to be told what people think of him.

That's pretty unusual for Washington.

Leo, has there been a discussion
in some room, someplace...

...anywhere, on any level, about Hoynes
being dropped from the ticket in 2002?


You sure?

Because I thought maybe it was...

- ... an Eisenhower-Nixon...
- No. I wouldn't give it a lot of thought.



- You scared the hell out of me.
- The poll Hoynes put in the field...

He's gonna run for president one day,
why shouldn't he do his own polling?

He's gonna run in six years,
what good does last week's do?

I really don't know.


- It's never happened before, right?
- No.

A vice president would never challenge
a sitting president for the nomination.

- Of course not.
- You see his itinerary?

- Who?
- The vice president.

- I don't keep tabs on John.
- Speech at a semiconductor plant.

The title of the speech is:

" Clean Air Industry in the High-Tech
Corridor of the Industrial Northeast. "

- Where?
- Nashua. New Hampshire.

Toby, nobody, and particularly not
Hoynes, would be naive enough...

What I mean is, if he's going to
New Hampshire for the reason...'re thinking, he would mask it with
something. It wouldn't be an official trip.

He'd make up a benign excuse
to be up there.

I know.

So why are you concerned
about the speech?

Because it comes in the middle
of a three-day camping trip to Killington.

Why does Hoynes think the president
isn't gonna run again?

What's going on, Leo?

Excuse me, Mr. President.

I closed the embassies
in Tanzania and Brussels.

- What about domestic?
- I don't have to make that call yet.

- How much time do you have?
- About an hour.

Mr. President, I've got Toby
waiting in his office right now.

- Why?
- We've gotta tell him.

Tell him what?

We've gotta tell him.

- What happened?
- He got curious...

...when Hoynes volunteered to step in
for Bill Trotter. And then more curious...

...when he found out it was because
Hoynes put a poll in the field.

Now he's camping in...

...Killington, Vermont, with a stop in
New Hampshire and Toby's not an idiot.

- He...
- None of them are.

- He scheduled a trip to New Hampshire?
- High-tech corridor of the Northeast.

- Yeah, thanks to who?
- What does that matter right now?

I think you gotta see this
as an opportunity.

- To do what?
- To gauge reaction.

You think Toby's reaction
is gonna be the same as the public's?

- I meant the staff.
- Which will be?

- I'm sorry, sir?
- The staff's reaction will be what?

I don't know.

Shock. Betrayal. Confusion.

Concern about our future.

I don't know.

What do I tell him?


- Go get him.
- Yes, sir.

Now it starts.

- Yes.
- Well.

- You know what the problem with this is?
- Yes.

- It's supposed to be funny.
- And yet?

- It's not.
- No.

- Who worked on this?
- Jay Breech. Janet Lippman.

- Andy Kyle worked on it a little.
- You know what they did?

They forgot to bring the funny.

How much time do we have?

I wanna to show it to him
within the hour.


Sam and I are gonna punch up the jokes
for the Correspondents' Dinner.

- Yeah, I read it.
- They forgot the funny.

- Yeah.
- You want to stay?

- Where you gonna be?
- We'll find a place.

- I'll hook up with you in a bit.
- What's going on?



- How you doing?
- I'm doing fine.

- Did you get the flowers?
- Yes, I did.

- Did you like them?
- They were very pretty.

- Know why I sent them?
- I know why you think you did.

- It's our anniversary.
- No, it's not.

I'm the sort of guy
who remembers those things.

No, you send a woman
flowers to be mean.

You're the only person
I've met who can do that.

- I'm quite something.
- Yes.

- I sent them to mark an occasion.
- We gonna do this every year?

For I am a man of occasion.

I started working for you in February,
this is April. You're an idiot.

You started working for me once in
February, then you stopped for a while.

Then you started again in April.

That's the one I celebrate, because
it's the only one where you started...

...and it wasn't followed by not working
but rather going back to your boyfriend.

And how, in comparison to that
and him you can call me mean... simply another in a long series...

Oh, shut up. Do you ever
get tired of your own voice?

No. No, no, no.

Where are you going now?

Sam and I are gonna punch up the thing
for tomorrow. We need funny people.

Know any? Right there was a joke.
Oldest joke in the book.

- I'll say.
- You know what, Ado Annie?

I sent you flowers. I think
what you're trying to say is:

"Why, thank you, Josh. They're beautiful.
How very thoughtful of you.

Not many bosses
would've been that thoughtful. "

Really? Because I think what I
was trying to say was shove it.

- Then I guessed wrong.
- Want me to help with the thing?

Yes, I do. Because you are
such an hysterically funny person.

Did you notice how I used
"an" there properly?

- Yes, I did.
- You crack me up.

You know, there are times when, to put
it simply, I hate your breathing guts.

- So the flowers really did the trick?
- Oh, yeah.



- Ainsley.
- Hello, Sam.

- Didn't you hear me shouting?
- Yes.

- And?
- I chose to ignore it.

- Because?
- You were shouting.

- You're adorable.
- Yet ill-adored.

- Go figure. What are you doing?
- I'm going up to Smith College tomorrow.

- Why?
- It's my alma mater.

- Reunion?
- No, the women's studies department... having a panel
on resurrecting the ERA.

- Who else is on the panel?
- Rebecca Walker, Gloria Steinem...

...Ann Coulter, Naomi Wolf.

You know, something like 40% of all
women oppose the ERA and in my life...

- ... I've never met one of them.
- Ainsley Hayes. Nice to meet you.

- You're not.
- Yes.

- You're not.
- Yes.

You're not, you're not,
you're not one of those people.

If by "those people"
you're referring to Episcopalians...

You're going to the cradle of feminism
to argue in opposition of the ERA?

- And get some decent pizza, yeah.
- They're gonna hate you.

I'm a straight Republican
from North Carolina.

You don't think they hated me
the first time around?

What are you doing?

I wanna punch up the jokes
for the Correspondents' Dinner...

...and I'm looking for people
left in the building who are funny.

I can't find any so I came to you.

I would think with your infectious sense
of humor, you would have no trouble.

- You wanna help me or not?
- I need to do this.

- We've ordered Chinese food.
- Okay.

...and Australia announced today they're
holding the 18th Annual Nude Olympics.

The Nude Olympics in Australia.

You thought it was exciting to win a race
by a nose. Oh, you gotta watch this.

Did you see the draft
for the Correspondents' Dinner?

It's not funny.

Sam's gonna work on it.

Toby, take it easy in there, okay?

You can go in.

- Good evening, Mr. President.
- You want a drink?

- No, thank you, sir, I'm fine.
- Have a drink with me.

- Sure.
- Bourbon, no ice.

Thank you.

You know what I found out recently?

To be called " bourbon, " it has to come
from Kentucky. Otherwise it's sour mash.

An Algerian-born terrorist named
Reda Nessam was arrested... the Canadian border yesterday with
a U-Haul containing 10 two-ounce jars...

...filled with nitroglycerin.

And they don't allow
that at Yosemite?

No. Anyway, on advice from
State and Intelligence...

...I closed the embassies
in Tanzania and Brussels.

What about the FAA?

They want me to order the
airports to heighten security...

...but it's a holiday weekend.
I don't know.

- Toby, I gotta tell you something.
- Does the FAA have to present...

...evidence of a credible threat?

- How do they do that?
- I don't know, they do it.

- Excuse me, sir, is there a time frame?
- About an hour.

Toby, around 10 years ago,
for a period of a few months...

...I was feeling rundown,
and I had a pain in my leg.

They both eventually subsided. But then
eight years ago the pain came back.

As well as numbness. My vision would
be blurry sometimes and I'd get dizzy.

During an eye exam, the doctor
detected abnormal pupil responses...

...and ordered an MRI.

The radiologist found plaque
on my brain and spine.

I have a relapsing-remitting
course of MS.

I'm sorry, sir?

I have multiple sclerosis, Toby.

- What does " relapsing-remitting " mean?
- I'm sorry?

What does " relapsing-remitting " mean?

It's... I don't know...
It's the good kind of MS.

- It's the good kind.
- As opposed to secondary progressive.

Which is the bad kind.

MS is a chronic disease
of the central nervous system.

Symptoms can be as mild as
numbness or as severe as paralysis.

And loss of vision.

Cognitive function.

- Is it...? I'm sorry, is it fatal?
- No. That's the good news.

- Bad news is there's no cure.
- Yeah, that I knew.

- Does relapsing...?
- Ever turn into secondary progressive?


Is there any way of telling
if it's going to?



I'd like to stand up. Can I stand?

I'm sorry, sir....

I need to...

Can I...? Excuse me.

Mr. President?

You wanted the call from
Mr. Garreth at the FAA.

- Could you put it through to my office?
- Yes, sir.

Go take it in my office.


- Larry? See the problem?
- Well, they didn't bring the funny, Josh.

No, they didn't. What are you doing?

Jotting down go-tos
in case a joke doesn't work.

" I haven't seen an audience this
dead since, " that kind of thing.

- The president's gonna get heckled?
- No, but I've read the speech...

...and I think you'd be wise to have
some dead-audience metaphors.

Here we go.

" Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very happy
to be here and I want to thank...

...the White House Correspondents'
Association for inviting me.

I expect I'll be stuck here tonight
with my fair share of verbal harpoons.

I don't mind, just don't stick me
with the dinner check. "

And then it says "allow for laughter. "

Unless we tell the audience,
it won't be a problem.

- Hey.
- " Don't stick me with the dinner check"?

I know, it's like he's playing Grossingers.

" I know some of you are troubled by
my frequent use of Latin references.

All I can say is, no te preocupes. "

- The joke is that it's in Spanish.
- It's that kind of Latin.

That's where you'll want
your first dead-audience joke.

We're not gonna need one.

Donna, who gave you those
beautiful flowers?

- I did. Those are from me.
- What's the occasion?

- Nothing.
- Our anniversary.

- Our not anniversary.
- Donna doesn't like to talk about it.

- I really don't.
- Okay.

A few years ago Donna's boyfriend
broke up with her... she started working for Josh...

...then the boyfriend told her to come
back, she did, then they broke up...

...and she came back to work.

I thought you meant you
didn't want to talk about it.

- I'm a spokesman. It's in my blood.
- They're nice flowers.

"And I'd also like to thank
our host, Bill Maher. "

- We're not making fun of the host.
- Who are we making fun of?

- Republicans.
- Republicans.

I only wish the Speaker
were here tonight...

...but he's held up
in negotiations on the Hill.

He's demanding his latest prenup
include a line-item veto.

- There it is.
- All right, two groups.

- You guys there, we stay here.
- I wanna be in the other group.

- Why?
- The Kung Pao chicken.

Get the Kung Pao chicken and
come back here. Let's go.

So I found out about a year ago.

Two nights before
the State of the Union...

...he had an attack.

He did?

When he passed out in the Oval Office.

That was an attack?

I thought it was the flu.

It wasn't.

How is it poss...?

How is it possible that this was kept
a secret? First of all, who else knows?

- You're the 16th person.
- Who else?

I'll tell you some of them,
I won't tell you all of them.

Why not?

Because it's not entirely my business.
I'm not sure of my footing here.

The president will be off the phone
in a minute and in the meantime...

- ... you'll take what I give you.
- It's not entirely your business?

The first lady. The doctor, radiologist,
the specialist, the kids.

- Who else?
- That's it for now.

He took a physical. Those doctors
were from eight years...

- He took a physical...
- It's in remission.

It doesn't show up during a physical.
It's in remission, nobody lied.

- Nobody lied?
- Nobody.

Nobody lied?

Is that what you've been saying to
yourself over and over for a year?

Leo, a deception of massive
proportion... I can't even...

He gets a physical twice a year at
Bethesda. His doctors are Naval officers.

Are you telling me officers
are involved in this?

- These guys will be court-martialed.
- Nobody... Listen to me.

Nobody lied.

Nobody was asked to lie.

- Coercion.
- Nobody was asked to lie.

Officers, the first lady, surgeons.
Surgeon generals, for all I know.

The plural of "surgeon general "
isn't surgeon generals...'s surgeons general. Like
attorneys general or courts-martial.

Nobody was asked to lie.

That was Garreth from the FAA.

Upon interrogating Reda Nessam,
they believe it's possible...

...that another rental car
crossed the border yesterday.

They believe it's headed to a safe house
in Paterson, New Jersey...

...and the FBI thinks they
can apprehend him in 24 hours.

Of course, the only way
all of this will happen... if Reda Nessam is telling the truth,
so who wants odds?

They're still looking at forensic evidence
and we're gonna talk again... a few minutes to decide
if there's a credible threat.

I'm sorry, sir,
I didn't hear that.

I said, we're gonna decide
if there's a credible threat.

Why? What are you guys talking about?


- How you doing?
- Have any idea...

- ... how much longer Toby's gonna be?
- I don't.

Let me ask you.
You think this joke's funny?

" I'm sorry the Speaker isn't here, he's up
on the Hill in last-minute negotiations.

He's going over his prenup
and he wants a line-item veto. "

- Well, I think it's pretty funny, but...
- What?

- I wouldn't do it.
- Why?

I think it's gonna call attention
to the first lady not being there.

- Where's Mrs. Bartlet gonna be?
- She went back up to Manchester.

She's not coming to the
Correspondents' Dinner?

Probably not.

Charlie, what's going on?


All right.
You don't know when Toby's out?


All right, here we go!

" Equality of rights under the law
shall not be denied or abridged... the United States
or any state on account of sex. "

- What's the joke?
- It's not a joke.

- It's the Equal Rights Amendment.
- When did that come back?

- Read what these guys have.
- "Shall not be abridged or denied...

...on account of sex. "

Very dangerous language.
This must be stopped.

What could possibly
be your problem with the ERA?

- It's redundant.
- Why are we talking about the ERA?

She's doing a thing.

But it's not back
or anything, is it?

Certainly not if Phyllis Schlafly
over here has her way.

- Look.
- It's redundant?

I'm a low-maintenance lady.
I got the 14th Amendment, I'm fine.

- How about...?
- The 14th Amendment, which says...

...that a citizen of the United States
is anyone that's born here, that's me...

...and that no citizen can be
denied due process. I'm covered.

Make a law for somebody else.

Here's a joke based on the premise
that the party afterward... hard to get into and that the
president is the commander in chief.

" I hear the Bloomberg party's
gonna be hard to get into this year.

But I'm not worried. I'm going
to the party with the 82nd Airborne. "

Then says, " I haven't heard a room this
quiet since we lost the signal on Galileo. "

Or, " I haven't seen my staff
update their résumés this quickly...

...since the last time I tanked
at the Correspondents' Dinner! "

When you yell, you make it harder
for people to find the funny.

- Hey, who gave you those flowers?
- A mean man who can't read a calendar.


We're doing fine. Toby's gonna come
in and nail it. This is his thing.

Yeah. Cut the Speaker joke, okay?
Mrs. Bartlet might not be there.

- Okay.
- All right, so we're gonna be fine here.

Yeah, we're doing great.
We're doing great, everybody, right?

Sam, we've got one here, but it
involves a John Wayne impersonation...

- ... and a sock puppet.
- Yeah. We're eating it.

Leo said you had an attack last year.

Leo said you had an attack last year.

Couple of nights before
the State of the Union.

Wasn't that also the night you saw
satellite pictures...

...of India moving on Kashmir?

India and Pakistan...

...were staring each other down,
control of some nuclear weapons...

...had been put into field.

So in the middle of a...
I don't know what you call it.

An episode.

You were in the Situation Room
as commander in chief.

I know.
I can't believe we're all still here.

- Mr. President...
- The episode was over.

Leo was with me, the chairman
of the Joint Chiefs was with me... were the secretaries
of State and Defense.

- Do you receive medication?
- I'm sorry?

- Do you receive medication?
- I get injections of Betaseron.

From whom?

From a doctor.

None of your current doctors
are aware of your condition.

Mr. President... your wife medicating you?

I think it would be best while
temperatures are running a little high...

...that you refer to my wife as
Mrs. Bartlet or the first lady.

- Yes, sir.
- What do you got, Leo?

- They'd like a few more minutes.
- The FAA?

Talk me through
what " heightened security" means.

Well, they deploy more
uniformed police and the dogs...

...they hand search luggage.

- And they discontinue....
- Curbside check-in, yeah.

Eliminate the first two rows
of short-term parking.

Okay. They want a few minutes?

Toby's concerned that the peaceful
solution I brokered in Kashmir last year...

...was the result of a drug-induced haze.

I was there with him. So was Fitz.
So was Cashman, Hutchinson, Berryhill...

- Well, that's fantastic.
- Toby.

- None of you were elected!
- I was elected, they were appointed.

Vice president was elected.
He has the constitutional authority...

- ... to assume my...
- He didn't last May...

...when you were under
general anesthesia.

That's because I never signed the letter.
I don't think I got shot because I got MS.

No, I don't think you did either, sir.
I meant that during a night of extreme...

...chaos and fear when we didn't yet
know if we'd been the victims...

...of domestic or foreign terrorism,
or even an act of war...

...there was uncertainty as to who was
giving the national security orders...

...and it was because
you never signed a letter.

So I'm led to wonder, given your
condition and its lack of predictability...

...why there isn't simply a signed letter
sitting in a file someplace.

And the answer, of course, is that...

...if there was a signed letter
sitting in a file someplace...

...somebody would ask why.

The commander in chief
had just been attacked...

...he was under a general anesthetic...

...a fugitive was at large,
the manhunt included every federal...

...state and local
law enforcement agency.

The Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey,
Pennsylvania and Delaware...

...National Guard units were federalized.

The KH-1 Os showed Republican Guard
movement in southern Iraq.

And 12 hours earlier an F-117
was shot down in the no-fly...

...and the vice president's
authority was murky at best.

The national security advisor
and the secretary of state...

...didn't know who they
were taking their orders from.

I wasn't in the Situation Room that night,
but I'll bet all the money in my pockets...

...against all the money in your pockets
that it was Leo.

Who no one elected!

For 90 minutes that night
there was a coup d'état in this country.

And the walls came tumbling down.

I feel fine, by the way,
thanks for asking.

- Sir...
- No, Leo.

Toby's concern for my health
is moving me in ways...

- Mr. President...
- Shut up!

You know, your indignation would be
a lot more interesting to me...

- ... if it weren't quite so covered in crap.
- Sir.

Mr. Garreth.


Are you pissed because I didn't
say anything or are you pissed...

...because there were 15 people
who knew before you did?

I feel fine, by the way,
thanks for asking.

Take the call in here.

We'll step outside for a minute.

Yeah, this is the president.

- Self-deprecation.
- Yes.

- Self-deprecation is what we need.
- Yes.

is the appetizer of charm.

- We need jokes about the staff.
- Yes.

Let's start with you.

Problem is, there aren't many jokes
you can make about me.

How about this: " Knock, knock. Who's
there? Sam and his prostitute friend. "

See, I think that was a bit
of misdirected anger.

- I'm okay with that.
- Well, in that case.

"Ainsley, you know why I got you
flowers in April instead of February?

Because you ditched me the first time
around to go back to the guy...

...who ditched you the first time,
only to have him ditch you...

- ... the second time around. "
- The hell? That was him.

He was being you.

Well, in fairness, I think everybody
should have a turn. Sam... there anything we can pull,
anything funny we can recycle?

Yeah, pull something I wrote called:

"Government-wide Accountability
for Merit System Principles. "

That one was a barnburner, was it?

Do you have any idea how much grief
I took from him when I came back?

- How much?
- None. I walked in the door...

...he said, "Thank God. There's a pile
of stuff on the desk. " This is his way.

He's just gonna snark me every April.
Prince of passive-aggressive behavior.

- What does "snark" mean?
- I don't know, but he's doing it.

- There any coffee left?
- In the mess.

- Anybody want anything?
- Think they have cheesecake there?

It's quarter after midnight, the pastry
chef usually stays on until dawn.

I'll go see what there is.

You know, we should
make a joke about women...

...because there's no law against that
or paying them less money than men.

Well, there is a law against that,
the Pay Equity Act.

It was passed in 1964 when women
were making 59 cents to the dollar.

- What are you making now?
- 79 cents.

- So everything's fine.
- No, there are still some problems...

...but I'm not worried because the federal
government's coming to the rescue.

- Look...
- You think pay disparity is because...

...some sexist in human resources
hired two people for equal positions...

- ... and paid the man more?
- Oftentimes women...

And oftentimes women make
less money over their lifetime...

- ... because they choose to.
- Oh, good night, nurse.

They don't choose to make less, they're
financially punished for having kids.

- They made a choice to have kids.
- Well, not necessarily...

...if you guys have your way,
but that's a different can of tuna.

I flat out guarantee you that if men were
biologically responsible for procreation...

...there'd be paid family leave
in every Fortune 500.

If men were biologically responsible
for procreation, they'd fall down...

- ... and die at the first sonogram.
- If the amendment's redundant...

...what's your problem
if it's passed or not?

Because I'm a Republican. Have we met?
I believe every time...

...the federal government
hands down a law, it leaves...

...for the rest of us
a little less freedom.

So I say, let's just stick
to the ones we absolutely need... order to have water come out of
the faucet and our cars not stolen.

That is my problem with passing
a redundant law. Sam?

The all-night pastry chef... were just kidding, right?

He's still on with State in the residence.

So Hoynes knows.

Hoynes is one of the 16?

And he thinks the president
won't run again.

- He thinks there's a chance.
- Will he?

- Will the president run?
- Where's the first lady?

Up in Manchester.

Why did she come to me
after the State of the Union?

Why's she mad at the president?

Because the State of the Union
set up the re-election run and somehow...

...she's under the impression
that's not supposed to happen.

- The first lady...
- I have no investigative mind. Zero.

Took me six days
and 23 minutes to figure it out.

He'll run.

Yeah, because we stood in that
office a couple months ago, you and I...

...and you said,
"Take my hand. We just... "

Never mind.

He'll run.

Hoynes was 14, who was 15?

Dr. David Lee.
The anesthesiologist at GW.

He had to know about the Betaseron.

- Getting back to Hoynes...
- Leo, I need you to look at me...

...and tell me the doctor's not
under any kind of surveillance.

The doctor's free
to talk to whomever he likes.

I'm sure we're gonna
find that out soon enough.

- He's not gonna leak it.
- Someone will.

- Toby...
- Leo, Hoynes left bread crumbs.

He wanted me to find out.
A camping trip to Killington?

- That was a jackass move.
- I don't think it was.

He may be the only one
who's acting responsibly.

- To who?
- The Democratic Party.

Seven and a half months till the Iowa
caucus and no one's been told...

...the president
might not be the nominee.

- He's gonna run.
- He may not have that option, Leo.

When this story breaks,
it'll be because we broke it.

And we'll control it.
And the public will accept it.

It's not like it's unprecedented
that a president conceal health issues.

What do you think is gonna happen?

I mean it. What do you think
is gonna happen?


...I suppose one of five things.

The president can decide not to run.

He can run and not win.
He can run and win.

- And what are the other two?
- Leo...

- You think he's gonna need to resign?
- There's gonna be hearing...

- ... upon hearing upon hearing.
- He hasn't broken a law.

- The president's on his way back.
- Thanks.

Says you.

And you don't have to break the law to
get served with Articles of Impeachment.

Toby, it is never gonna get that far.

Write down the exact date
and time you said that.

See, the thing about me
is that mine is a dry wit.

And a dry wit, like a fine martini,
is best enjoyed....

- Yeah, nowhere to go there.
- What the hell took so long?

We got the coffee, but then
I spilled it coming up the stairs...

- ... the first couple times. Where's Josh?
- You sent him to get the thing.

For how long? I've had time
to spill coffee, you know, a lot.

- I'll find him.
- So, guys?

I made a decision downstairs.

I'm gonna register with the Republican
Party. If you're curious, it's because...

- ... they are a freedom-loving people.
- We also like beef.

You insist the government is
depraved for not legislating against...

...what we can see on newsstands
or what we can see in an art exhibit...

...what we can burn in protest, which
sex we're allowed to have sex with...

...or a woman's right to choose,
but don't you dare try and regulate...

...this deadly weapon I have concealed.
That would encroach on my freedom.

And Democrats believe in free speech
as long as it isn't prayer in school... the Freedom of Information Act
except if you want to find out...

- ... if your 14-year-old's had an abortion...
- We believe in the ERA.

- Well, go get them.
- How can you have an objection...?

Because it's humiliating.

A new amendment we vote on declaring
that I'm equal under the law to a man?

I am mortified to discover there's
reason to believe I wasn't before.

I am a citizen of this country.
I am not a special subset... need of your protection. I do not
need my rights handed down to me... a bunch of old white men.

The same Article 14
that protects you protects me...

...and I went to law school
just to make sure.

And with that, I am going
back down to the mess.

Because I thought I may have
seen there a peach.

I could've countered that, but I'd already
moved on to other things in my head.


- Well, that was predictable.
- Yes.

- I'm trying to find that speech Sam said.
- You know, we keep them on computer.

- Well, yeah, sure, I suppose...
- You don't know how to use a computer.

- Right.
- Josh, Josh, Josh.

- Yes?
- Joshua, Josh, Josh.

What the hell is happening now?

You feel, I believe, that this
job was my second choice.

Hey, I'm just grateful
we were your last choice.

I'm gonna give you a little gift
right now which you don't deserve.

If you've got your old Catholic
school uniform on under there...

...don't get me wrong,
I applaud the thought, but...

Okay, what I need is for you to
stop being, like, you for a second.

- Okay.
- When I came back...

...remember I had a bandage
on my ankle?

I told you I slipped on the ice...

- ... on the front walk?
- Because you didn't put down Kitty Litter.

- I was actually in a car accident.
- You were in a car accident?

- It was...
- Seriously, you were in an accident?

- It was no big deal.
- You told me it was a late thaw.

Yes. I did.

Anyway, they took me
to the hospital...

...and I called him
and he came down to get me...

...and on the way he stopped and
met some friends of his for a beer.

He stopped on the way
to the hospital for a beer?

Yes. And so I left him.

Which was the point of
my telling you this.

I left him.

So stop remembering that.

What I remember is
you took me back...

...when you had no reason
to trust me again.

You didn't make fun of me or him...

...and you had every reason to. You're
gonna make fun of him now, aren't you?

- No.
- That's why I didn't tell you...

- ... in the first place.
- I'm not gonna make fun of him.

But just, what kind
of a dumpkiss were you...?

He was supposed to meet his friends,
he stopped to tell them he couldn't.

- And had a beer?
- Does this make you feel superior?

Yes. You are better than
my old boyfriend.

I'm just saying, if you were in an
accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer.

If you were in an accident,
I wouldn't stop for red lights.

Thanks for taking me back.

Oh, and the flowers are beautiful.

Why not heighten security?

At the airports. Why not heighten
security, what's the downside?

- Sorry about that.
- What's going on?

- Charlie? I gotta make the call.
- Yes, sir.

Let's get Garreth back.

Toby was just asking what the downside
of going to a security condition was.

The scanners they use take an hour
to search the luggage of 250 passengers.

The condition requires two photo Ids,
most people only have one.

Delays. Delays are the downside.

- Mr. Garreth.
- That timed out well.

Hal. Okay, let's do it. I'm ordering
the airports to a two-condition.

You'll have it in writing
in about five minutes. Thanks.

- I didn't know enough.
- I know the feeling.

I have no intention
of apologizing to you, Toby.

- Would you mind if I ask why not?
- Because you're not the one with MS...

...a wife, three kids and airports to close.

Not every part of me belongs to you.
This was personal.

I'm not willing to relinquish that right.

It will appear to many,
if not most, as fraud.

It will appear as if you denied the voters
an opportunity to decide for themselves.

They're generally not willing
to relinquish that right, either.

Mr. President, at some point
in the near future...

...we're gonna have to
speak to some lawyers.

Well, that's what usually brings on
the episodes, but if you say so.

- It's 17 people, by the way.
- I'm sorry?

You knew. We weren't counting you.
It's 17 people.

I don't know.

It may have been unbelievably stupid.

It may have been unthinkably stupid,
I don't know.

I'm sorry, I really am.

- I've gotta go in the other room and....
- Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow, thanks.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Okay, that was...
I think that's a good one.

- Toby!
- What do you got?

Okay. So the president was asked
to pick tonight's menu.

And he says, "Just serve anything
you want except lame duck. "

- Toby, listen to this.
- Okay.

The president says,
" I know times are tough...

...the NASDAQ just filed
for not-for-profit status. "


What about the one
about the Pentagon?

Okay, you have to try and imagine
that the president is saying it.

Tell me if you think this is funny.

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