The Wayans Bros. (1995–1999): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Shawn-Shank Redemption - full transcript

I'm ready.

Think we can take them all?

We're ready for them this time.

-Hey, Shawn?
-Yeah?

If something happens to me,
I want you to know I love you.

I love you, too, man.

Here they come. Take no prisoners.

One, two, three.

I hate roaches!

I got it, Marlon.

All right, cut and print. Beautiful, guys.
Dynamite. That--



Yes, a jewel for my jewel.

I sure can pick them.

If you're busy, I can come back later.

-No, check this out.
-I don't want to see that.

No, I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about this ring.

Look, I bought it for Lisa's birthday.
It's even got a real diamond.

-Where?
-There.

Where?

-There.
-Where?

Let's see that.

Tilt your eye up. 45-degree angle. There.

Okay, I see it.

I thought that was a grain of salt.

Maybe I won't mention the diamond.



-What's that?
-Another parking ticket.

Damn, Marlon.

Which one of the words "no parking”
can't you understand?

It's that "alternate side
of the street” thing. I can't get it.

I got a ticket, right?

So I park my car
on the other side of the street.

The next day I get another ticket.

Look, that's 10 tickets for me,
and 13 tickets for you.

As soon as we pay all these tickets off, we're selling that car.

Shawn, you can't sell my car.

Where am I going to take a girl
when you and Lisa are here?

-You take girls to that car?
-Yeah.

-It doesn't even move.
-It moves, all right.

Boy, does it move.

Shawn, when I'm in there
with Mustache Sally...

it be moving and shaking.

I don't care what you say,
that car's a piece of junk.

-No, it's not.
-It's a menace to society.

No, it's not. Besides, Bentley's pops said
he was going to fix it for me.

Bentley's Pops?
Bentley's pops had a stroke.

He's still got feeling in his right hand.

Come on. You can't sell my car

What am I going to do without a car?
A man needs his car.

Just take the bus.

Hey, my birthday girl.

And there's the man I love.

I stopped by to say hi on my way to class.

Would you look at this watch?

See? Now, that's a diamond.

That's like staring at the sun,
or looking at a candle...

or getting beat upside your head
by a cop's flashlight.

My daddy bought me this for my birthday.

A diamond watch?

Yeah. Do you like it?

Yeah, it's nice. It's a nice watch.

That ain't nothing.
Shawn show her what you got her.

Shut up.

This boy got you something so special,
you'll never forget it.

Really? Can I see it?

It's not ready yet.

It's being handmade,
and I'm going to give it to you tonight...

when I make you
your special birthday dinner at 7:00.

You're going to make me dinner?

Yep. And Lisa, when you see this gift
this boy got you...

you're going to faint, girl.

I may need some smelling salts
to wake you up.

I can't wait to see what it is.

Yeah, me neither.

Ain't nothing like a good cup of coffee
in the morning.

Man, this is my 13th cup this morning.

I feel alive!

Hi, Shawn.

-What's up, Pops?
-What's the matter, son?

You look sadder than a fat woman
in a g-string.

I'm having a little trouble with Lisa.

All couples go through that.
This is what you do.

Spice things up with costumes.

Last Saturday night,
I wore a red leather matador suit.

Your mama and I had a little bullfight.

Not that kind of trouble, Pop.

Good. Because what your mama and I do
in private is none of your business.

Let me ask you a question.

When you got baptized,
how long they hold you underwater?

Have a cup of coffee, son.
It will cheer you right up.

Look at me. I had a whole pot.
I'm happy as a clown.

What's the problem anyway?

It's Lisa's birthday.

I want to get her a really nice gift,
but everything nice is too expensive.

It is a problem.

Of course, you haven't
looked everywhere yet.

No, Pops. I ain't going to the junkyard.

What do you mean junkyard?
Come on. I ain't Fred Sanford.

I got some new merchandise in.

Anything you're selling, I don't want any.

I'm not telling you to buy anything.
Just take a look.

I got some gold chains,
looks just like real gold.

And if I put it on
it will turn my neck just like real green.

Give that back to me.
How about a set of steak knives?

I'm dating Lisa, not Lorena Bobbitt.

How about a prosthetic foot?

Forget all that stuff. You're ill.

-I'm gonna go have some coffee.
- I think I'll join you.

Pops, when's the health inspector coming?

I'm tired of wearing this stupid hairnet.

Anytime now.
Besides, it looks good on you.

Give me some flip-flops and a muumuu,
and I'll look just like grandma.

Hey, sonny!

What's up, kid?

I got that $200 for the parking tickets.

I sure wish
I could keep that money, though.

I'm not happy about it, either.

I could take that money
and put it towards Lisa's gift.

You could buy her a microscope
to find that diamond you got her.

It ain't about the size. It's the quality.

That's what all men
with small diamonds say.

All right, calm down. Have a cup of coffee.

Coffee! Coffee make the world go round.

Coffee! The world's
a beautiful place with coffee.

Pop, I don't want no coffee.

Have some coffee!
Everybody have some coffee!

Everybody, free coffee. Come on.
This is my 14th cup today.

Bentley's father sure did a good job
fixing the car.

What is this, like the third fire today?

At least it's kept the car warm.

You can't just leave it here,
you're blocking somebody in.

This is a Mercedes.

What, is it going to ram us?

Besides, what are we doing here anyway?

I'll only be a minute, we're going here
to see if I can find something nice for Lisa.

Lock up.

Excuse me, madam.

I just want you to know that the cases
are hooked up to a silent alarm...

and we don't have any cash.

That's okay. Today's our day off.

Besides, we left our ski masks at home.

I am so sorry. I'm a little on edge.

I've had three holdups,
and they were all, you know, urban.

That's funny.

I went to three different
jewelry stores today...

and all the salespeople have been,
you know, bigots.

We don't have any of that here,
so if I can help you in any way...

I'll be over there at the security camera.

This stuff is nice.

Shawn, what do you think?

I think you look like Esther Rolle.

Oh, James!

I don't know why you're in here.
Can't afford anything in this store.

You don't know that.

Excuse me, ma'am.
How much is it for this necklace?

-$6,000.
-$6,000?

Are you all right?

You look like my husband...

when he found out that his country club
let that Goldberg fellow in.

I'm sorry.

I just was looking for something
a little more...

-What's that word?
-Cheap.

I'm sorry, dear.
Maybe you're in the wrong kind of store.

Perhaps you should try Sears.

You are killing me,
Tweety bird's grandmother.

Look, just give me something
a little less expensive, that's all.

Okay, fine. You just brace yourselves.

-Where is the comedy coming from?
-Now, this is four.

-Thousand?
-Hundred.

-That ain't too bad.
-Are you kidding me?

$400, I go to Chinatown
and live like a king.

-Well?
-It sure is beautiful.

Too bad you can't afford it.

-Yes, I can.
-No, you can't.

Look, just give me the money,
and I won't hurt you.

You don't scare nobody.
I'm a man now. Shoot.

All right. Take it! Take it all.

-Here you go.
-Thank you very much.

I must remove the price tag.

No, don't do that.

As a matter of fact,
could you add a couple of zeroes?

It's for my girl.

I'm sure she will be very happy.

Now, there you go.

Are either of you the proud owner
of a 1968 GTO?

-No.
-Yes.

-Yes.
-No.

At least you got your story straight.

Are you aware that you're double-parked?

That's impossible.
We only have one car. Stupid.

Sorry, we were just about to move the car.

Are you aware that you have $400
in unpaid parking tickets?

Yes, we're totally aware of that.

Are you also aware that
there's a warrant out for your arrest?

-I didn't know about all that.
-I got a call from the judge.

-Let me show you my ID.
-Hey, don't move!

Freeze, dirtbags!

All right, come on. Get in here. Let's go.

You're supposed to be gentle.
I got a video camera in my pocket.

Will you calm down?
Everything's going to be all right.

I can't believe this. Mom's gonna kill me.

Pop's gonna kill me.

He's gonna kill me.

Will you calm down?
Would you just get a hold of yourself.

I'm trying!

-All right, show time, folks.
-Come on. Let's go.

Everybody smile for the cameras.

Turn to the right.

Right.

Just face me.

Can we do that again? I didn't smile right.

All right, cover girls, over here.

Do me a favor. If the pictures are good
could you send me some back?

-For me and my girl.
-And one for my mommy.

What's up, Arsenio? You got the time?

Yeah.

All right, let's see those hands.

Fingers on the pad.

Look, Marl, just like Marion Barry.

Hey, that pad got ink on it.

All right, come on.

Until your father gets here,
you guys are in the tank.

Wait a minute.

How come he got to make a phone call,
and I don't?

All right, but make it real quick.

How come you always do what I do?
Copycat!

Hi, Lisa?

Sorry, baby. I'm going to be late
for our birthday dinner tonight.

Why?

We got stuck in traffic.

Because I'm stuck in traffic.

I'll kill you! I'll kill you all!

Who was that? That was...

That was the cab driver.

Hey, make a left over here, Punjab!

A left, Punjab!

No problem, sir.

Okay, Lisa, baby, I'll talk to you later.
I love you. Bye-bye.

I love you, too, Lisa.

Come on. I don't have all night.

Oh, my God!

Will you calm down.
Everything's gonna be all right.

Oh, my God!

Excuse me, Officer.
Could you do me a favor?

Like what?

Could I use your gun for an hour?

There he goes.

Last man that's not gonna want
to make me his wife.

What are you worried about?
I'm the pretty one.

-Shawn, I got a confession to make.
-What?

Over the years,
I stole a lot of money from you.

Don't sweat it, kid.
I also have a confession to make.

Over the years, while you were sleeping,
I hit you in the head a lot.

Thank you, God!

I thought that was a tumor.

Bye, Marlon.

Goodbye, Shawn.

And to think I never got to see Paris.

First time?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

You want some advice?

There's only two ways
to survive in this place.

You can either fight, or make friends.

We'll probably fight.

Suit yourselves, but you better...

do something better than
what you've been doing...

or I'll kick the crap
out of both of you myself.

See what you did?
We could've had a nice friend.

Shawn, I'm scared.

When these dudes find out
we're here for parking tickets...

Will you calm down?

Look, I know how these people work.
I know how to handle them.

You got to be strong. They can smell fear.

I was wondering what that smell was.

Look, as long as you with me,
ain't nobody gonna mess with you.

-Big brother got your back.
-Good.

'Cause that guy there is looking at me
funny like he wants some trouble.

-That guy?
-Right there.

That's who you scared of?

-I'll take and I'll squash his head like a pea!
-Yeah!

-Then I'll take and I'll rip his ears off.
-Yeah!

-And then tie him in a knot.
-Yeah!

Yeah.

What's up?

Yo, my man.

You got some kind of eye problem
with my brother?

-Shawn.
-No!

Come get some!

-Shawn.
-What?

I'm not talking about him.
I'm talking about this guy right here.

I don't care who you are talking about,
I got them back...

'cause ain't nobody...

You looking for some trouble?

Hey brother,
what's all this black-on-black crime?

Let's not add to the statistics.

Go ahead, Shawn. Tell him
how you gonna splat his fat head.

Tell him how you're gonna
twist him into a knot.

Shut up, Marlon.

-And ring your bell!
-Shut up, Marlon.

Is that right?

You messing with the wrong person.
That's my brother you're messing with.

Come on, man.

Get off of me.

I'm counting to three,
and then I'm going crazy.

One, two, three.

One thousand nine hundred ninety-eight...

one thousand nine hundred ninety-nine...

two thousand! Get off me!

2000! That's when I get out of here.

Don't turn your back on me! Take that!

There you go!

I got you. Say yo!

What? Trying to get tough.
Come here, boy.

Let me show you what time it is,
jailhouse boy.

Show him what you got, baby.

Sugar Ray.

Left! Left jab! Give him the left!

Marlon, are you okay?

Grandma?

You want me
to walk towards the light, Grandma?

Back off, Tiny. Don't you touch my boys.
I know your mama, boy!

Pops, I never thought
I'd be so happy to see you.

I wish I could say the same.

I'm just happy this is over.

It ain't over yet. Your mama's in the car,
and she ain't too happy.

What?

Sorry about that.

Let me get some cologne.

Happy birthday!

Wow, this is great.

I'm surprised you got out of jail in time.

You know?

Shawn, who do you think gave your father
the $400 to bail you out?

I gotta go.
I think I helped enough for today.

Will you get out of here?

I'm sorry, baby.

I tried to get you something really nice
for your birthday...

and I messed up.

I keep telling you,
I don't care about presents.

But you deserve nice things.

I want to give you the world, girl.

I love you.

Baby, you are my world.

-I love you.
-I love you, too.

Happy birthday.

It's beautiful!

You might want to rinse it off.

I had to hide it when I was in lockup.

That's what happened to us.

Tell us about your time in the big house.

Me and the homeboys
were running guns out of Mexico.

I'll tell you, we could've gotten away
with it, but there was a border guard.

-Started dissing me.
-Say what?

I had no choice
I had to shoot his head clean off.

He looked like a Roman candle!

Did I ever show you a picture
of my little granddaughter Elise?