The Wayans Bros. (1995–1999): Season 1, Episode 13 - Brazilla vs. Rodney - full transcript

No. I can't blow up no more.
I'm telling you, my head's gonna explode.

No, it won't, man.
Just one more. Last one.

-One more.
-All right.

You can do it.

There you go. Come on.

Yeah, that's it. Come on.

Come on, you can do it. Blow.

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All right, cut and print. Beautiful, guys.
Dynamite. That--

Hey, kids, isn't this fun?

Hey, let go of me. I'm not your father.



Pop, I wanna thank you, brother, for never
making me have a birthday party like this.

Thank you very much.

You know, our family
never had to hire entertainment.

We gave your uncle Leon
a bottle of that tequila...

and your mama's old wedding gown.

Now, that was a party.

Marlon, hurry up with the cake.

Okay, Pop.

Hey, kids, It's cake time!

Shut up. Nobody Likes a crybaby.

Hey, Pop, What's going on?

I don't know. Kids, cake, balloons,
green dinosaur. What do you think it is?

Michael Jackson's bachelor party?

No, I'm trying to
save a slow Saturday, son.



And they say I have a pathetic job.

You do have a pathetic job.
You're a busboy, remember?

Oh, yeah.

Look on the bright side.
At least you don't look like Dino in rehab.

I bet he'd be getting Flint-stoned.

Going down Bed-rock.

How does he go to the bathroom
in that suit?

I don't know. He probably wears diapers.

You guys making fun of me?

That depends.

Diapers, Depends?

Good.

All right, listen, dish scraper,
in the last hour I made $100.

What'd you make? $3.50?

Will you shut up?
He thinks minimum wage is $1.75.

-You make $100 an hour doing that?
-That's right.

'Cause I'm worth it.
I sing the song, I do the dance.

I pull quarters out of kids' snotty noses.
I'm a freaking one-man carnival.

I need a smoke.

You need a mint.

Dinosaur with the dragon.
Ain't that something?

That's my boy! That's my boy right there!

Now, settle down, kids.
Leave the silly little man alone.

Excuse me?
Where'd you get this guy from?

The guy who fell down?
I think he works here.

Not that idiot. The green idiot.

-Oh, Brazilla?
-Yeah.

I got his name from a party company.

-Would you have their business card?
-Yeah, sure.

But I don't know why you'd want it.

The kids like that guy over there
a lot more than Brazilla.

Marlon, guess what?

I went down to that party company
that represents Brazilla...

-and I got us an audition.
-What did you do that for?

I thought you said
doing kiddie parties was degrading.

They're paying you lots of money, ain't
nothing degrading. Just ask MC Hammer.

I don't know, Shawn.

Come on, man, I'm telling you,
this could blow up.

This is our ticket out.

All we need to do
is create a cartoon character.

What did you like when you were a kid?

I used to like putting Ma's drawers
over my head.

And then jumping off the bed,
and it turned to a parachute.

Never mind you.
What would a normal kid like?

I don't know. Mickey Mouse,
Mighty Mouse...

Fievel, Speedy Gonzales--

-That's it.
-What?

Kids love mice. If you think about it...

Mexican kids, they got Speedy Gonzales.

Ándale! Ándale!

-Jewish kids, They got Fievel.
-Oy vey, oy vey.

Who we got? Nobody.
Think about it, brother.

Name one black mouse.

Spike Lee.

He ain't no mouse, he's a cricket.

Yeah. What the hell.

See, we don't have nobody.

You know what, Shawn? You're right.

Our young black kids
need a mouse hero, too.

What happened to Rufus, that rat
that used to live behind the refrigerator?

He had his own show?

No, he was your pet rat.

Pop gassed him.

Poor little Rufus.

He must have twitched for hours.

My little Rufus
was such a little fighter, he was.

I'm telling you, Marlon, Rufus is perfect.

This is our chance
to create a cartoon hero for black kids.

You know what, Shawn? You're right.

And I'll make a great Rufus.
I know exactly how to get into his head.

I'll go in the fridge and eat all that
old government cheese we got in there.

I'll line my bed
with all these old newspapers...

then I'll carry the plague from village
to village. God, this is gonna be great.

I hate to disappoint you,
but I'm gonna be Rufus.

How come you get to be Rufus?

You know I look a lot more like a rat
than you do. See?

That's true, but I came up with the idea.

-So what am I gonna be?
-Don't worry about it. Let's think.

What else was behind that refrigerator?

Dust, roaches...

And that 7-year-old onion
that nobody could reach.

That's it!

I ain't going to be no moldy old onion.

Marlon, I would never make you no onion.
That's degrading.

-You're gonna be the roach.
-A roach?

Yeah, man. Kids love bugs.

I ain't gonna be no damn roach.
What's wrong with you?

I'm telling you, we'll be
Rodney Roach and Rufus the Rat.

We'll be like Batman and Robin,
only vermin.

-Are you sure about this?
-I am positive, Marlon.

We'll create a black cartoon hero
for the brothers.

Yeah. And this way,
I still get to keep my dignity.

I feel like an idiot. Rodney Roach!

I can't even sit down
with this dumb metal suit on.

I didn't hear you complaining
on the subway...

when that guy tried to stab you.

I don't know about this. I got a bad feeling.

Are you sure this ain't one of those
stupid get-rich-quick schemes?

There's a big difference
between this scheme...

-and all the other stupid schemes.
-Yeah, what?

All the other stupid schemes
were your ideas.

Paula!

Make sure you call and tell me
when the Mitsumoto party is.

Never going to another
kids' party hung over.

I don't believe how sick I got.

I'm just now getting the smell
out of this helmet.

Hi, crabby.

Hey! It's the losers from the diner.

What are you doing, stalking me?

Like we don't have better people to stalk.

For your information,
we're here for an audition.

This is my turf! Stay out of my 'hood!

I rule the kiddy world! The kids love me!

They love me, I tell you!

What the hell are you looking at?

I don't know if this is such a good idea.
We could wind up like that guy.

That ain't so bad. He drives a Porsche.

Marlon, here comes Paula. Get up.

-Don't do anything stupid to mess this up.
-I won't.

-You must be Shawn and Marlon.
-How are you doing?

Those are great costumes.
What an adorable roach.

Thank you very much.

You should see when my antenna goes up.

-How's the party business going, son?
-Fantastic, Pop.

Three short weeks,
and the paper is rolling in.

The kids can't get enough
of Marlon falling on his butt.

Well, who can?

See, I told your mama
when you were four years old...

that you'd be better off
without those leg braces.

I'll need a wheelchair, the way
these kids keep beating on me.

Damn, I'm sore.

- It ain't that bad.
-Speak for yourself.

You get to wear that gold jacket,
eat cheese, and look cool...

while the kids jolly-stomp me.

Here you go.

-Here's your free food.
-Thank you, Father.

-Good day, sir.
-Peace out.

Marlon, what's wrong with you?

I haven't seen you this mad since
I gassed that little rat friend of yours.

He wasn't just a rat, Pop.
He was my friend. I loved him.

He had rabies.

Your mother had to take
30 shots in her stomach...

because of that stinking little rat of yours!

You tell me what's wrong with you?

Pop, I don't like doing
these kiddy shows, man.

I don't care how much they pay me.

I just feel stupid
dressing up like some roach.

Besides, I don't have time for my women.

I hate to state the obvious,
but you don't have a woman.

See what I mean? How will I get one if
I gotta dress like a roach every weekend?

Besides, Pop,
people keep making fun of me.

Order up, bug boy!

See what I mean, Pop?
What should I do, man?

-Does your brother know about this?
-No, I can't tell him.

I mean, look at him. He's all happy.

Besides, it was his idea, he came up
with the act, he got us the agent...

and he's giving me 20%.
I can't just spit in his face.

Sure you can!

Either you tell him how you feel...

or you'll spend the rest of your days
a human piñata.

-Yo, kid, can I talk to you for a second?
-Sure.

Yo, check out this brochure. I'm thinking
of upgrading to a brand-new Ferrari.

We'll have to do thousands of shows
if you want a Ferrari.

That's okay. I'll get you a helmet and
some more pads. We'll be good to go.

Marlon, Shawn,
I've got some wonderful news.

-You'll go out with me.
- I don't think so.

Is it the bug suit?

-Sure.
-I knew.

Anyway, I've got a great job for you guys
at the Mitsumoto Corporation.

They are having a party for the children
of their executives, and they want you.

Wait a minute.
Isn't Brazilla working that job?

No, not now that he's in rehab.
So now the Mitsumoto job is yours.

-Yes!
-Congratulations.

Are you gonna leave me hanging?

Before we take the job, I gotta talk
to my brother about something.

Sure.

Go ahead. Tell him, Marlon.
I'll back you up.

And the best part is,
the Mitsumoto job pays $1,000.

$1,000?

Who'd ever have thought somebody
would spend $1,000 to look at you?

You know what this means?

If this keeps up,
I could quit my job at APS.

And I'll never have to deliver
another package as long as I live.

Pop, I thought you said
you was gonna back me up.

With $1,000? The only thing I'm backing up
is that truck bringing me my new...

big-screen TV with remote control!

And maybe I'll get 80 inches.

We're gonna be rich.
Let's count that money!

-We going to be in the money!
-This is how I'll be counting.

We're gonna have the money!

Mar, this is great, man.
We're living large, kid.

Not even a month,
we're already hitting corporate America.

I can't wait till
10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.

Why?

'Cause that's when I'm gonna quit my job.

-You're going to quit your job?
-Yeah.

Look, Shawn, I was gonna wait
until tomorrow to tell you this, but...

But what?

This is my last appearance
as Rodney Roach.

You can't quit. We're booked for weeks.
What are you talking about?

I'm talking about dressing up like a roach
and have some little kid stomping on me.

-I mean, don't you feel like an idiot?
-Why should I?

Marlon, you are good at this.

I just don't want to feel like an idiot.

You're my brother.
You should understand.

I understand, I got to choke you.

You'll do what I want you to do.

You going to be a roach,
or you gonna be a water bug or a ladybug.

We're gonna be paid.

The party's going wonderfully,
Mr. Mitsumoto.

And the entertainment
will be out any minute.

Good.

Let's move it. I want them out of here
and the floor washed.

If any of them touch my model village,
there will be no cake.

Yes, I'm right on it, Mr. Mitsumoto.

Boys and girls, sit down. Pay attention.

We have some very special celebrities
here today.

The Power Rangers?

No Power Rangers.
They said they couldn't come...

because your parents
haven't worked hard enough.

Right. So instead,
we have something almost as good:

Rodney Roach and Rufus the Rat.

Let's hear it for them.

Do you hear me? Do you...

Hello, boys and girls!

-We're on, Marlon. Come on.
-This is my last time.

-Okay.
-All right.

Hey, boys and girls!

What are you supposed to be?

Those costumes suck.

Wait till you see the rest of the show.

Hit it, Rufus.

Are you on drugs?

No, boys and girls.

Do you have any special powers?

None that I can show you.

You stink!

Who started that?
Have his father fired in disgrace.

But that's my son.

I can't see the top of your head
when you say that.

-Sorry.
-Get up. You make me sick.

Shawn, how come
these kids don't like us?

I don't know.
The kids in the projects loved us.

Only projects these kids know
is science projects.

Hello, boys and girls. We just came here
to have a little bit of fun.

Then do something funny.

No, you're a damn poopy-head.

Man, don't stoop down to their level.

-You're a poopy-head, too.
-I know you are, but what am I?

-He started it.
-Calm down.

Allow me.

You ever been spanked by six hands?
Come here, you little....

That was funny.

They're good,
but they're no Margaret Cho.

Brazilla!

What's going on here?

Look! It's Brazilla!

Brother, there must be
some kind of mix-up with something.

This is my gig, and you guys
aren't taking it from me.

Brazilla's heading for the village!

-What the hell are you doing?
-Reclaiming what is mine, bug boy.

I'm sick and tired
of people calling me bug boy.

Hey, nobody does that to my brother.

They're out of control!

This will surely result in mass destruction!

-There is no stopping them!
-We must not panic!

Wait!

The children!

Did you hit him?

No, he just passed out.

The city is saved!
We must go tell the others.

I can't believe Paula dropped us.

And all that money we made
went to repairs.

I can't believe I ruined the party
and destroyed a village.

Don't worry.
At least Brazilla got dropped, too.

I wonder what he's gonna do now.

I don't Know. But I heard
he was going back to the priesthood.

They better hide the wine, brother.

Yo, kid, I'm sorry
for putting you through all this.

It's all right. It's just hard
telling your older brother no.

I know. Just ask Erik Menendez.

-That was funny.
-I know.

I'm just glad it's all over now.

-It ain't over yet.
-What do you mean?

I'm thinking of becoming an agent
just like Paula.

-I already got my first act.
-Word?

My eyes!

Help me, somebody! Please.

Sorry, Pops. I didn't know it was you.

You looked just like the big one
that always crawls under the stove.

I don't know what you're talking about!

Help me, somebody. Please, help me.

Shawn, Marlon, where are you?
Help me, please.

Look up, Marlon. Say, "Cheese.”