The Wayans Bros. (1995–1999): Season 1, Episode 12 - Pulp Marion - full transcript

Wow.

I'm really impressed. This house is clean.

Thank you. Let me get that $20 now.

Hold on. Let me take my jacket off.

Thanks, Shawn.

All right, cut and print. Beautiful, guys.
Dynamite. That--

Shawn, look at the way
that girl is looking at Marlon.

Maybe he got something
hanging out his nose.

Stop it! Marlon, come here.

What's wrong?
I got something hanging out my nose?

No. Sit down.



That girl at the counter
keeps staring at you.

-Where?
-Don't be obvious.

Okay.

Yeah, you're right.

She's fine.

I think you should go talk to her.

When a woman stares at you like that,
that means she's interested.

That's true.
I remember when I first met Lisa.

I was sitting in the back of a club...

and all of a sudden, from behind,
I felt these two eyes burning into my soul.

I turned around, and there before me...

stood the most beautiful woman
I ever laid my eyes on.

Yeah. Right behind her was Lisa.

Shut up.



Just go over and say something sweet.
Just be yourself.

-Be myself.
-Right. And take that apron off.

You look like the brother
on the cream of wheat box.

Be yourself.

Wow, baby.
You're being really nice to him.

- I guess he's starting to grow on you.
-Yeah, like a tumor.

Look, if he gets a girlfriend,
maybe he'll move out.

Lord, I don't ask for much.
Just get Marlon out my house, please.

Hi, I'm Marlon.

Can I take your order, please?

Well, what I'm hungry for
isn't on the menu.

Really?

Well, perhaps I can interest you
in some hot chocolate.

That might just be what I need...

to quench my thirst.

Well, you know, the special of the day is...

hot links,
and they're rather tender and juicy.

You just said a mouthful.

I think I'm about to have a heart attack.

You know something?
You're positively irresistible.

Really? You should see me naked
with a rose in my mouth.

Look, write your number down.
I'll call you.

Perhaps we can get together some time.

-I am never washing this face again.
-What do you mean, again?

Being yourself.

What a great scam.

Shawn, I had the most incredible date
last night.

It was different than any date
I ever been on.

No! You didn't play the crying game,
did you?

No. Listen, it was with Mia.

Last night I went to her house
and I asked her...

if she wanted to take a romantic trip
to the Empire State Building.

She told me she had her heart set
on a whole another skyscraper...

if you know what I mean.

That was the girl
you met at the diner yesterday?

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Shawn, it was all that.
This girl had incredible physical skills.

I thought I was in bed
with Mary Lou Retton.

I guess all those Vanessa Del Rio movies
paid off.

Come on, Shawn. It wasn't even like that.

We talked about marriage and everything.

Marriage on your first date?
You don't even know her.

So? What are you, jealous?

Moi? Jealous?
What do I got to be jealous of?

You're jealous
that I got a brand new girlfriend.

You're also jealous
'cause you don't get to be...

Shawn "I Have Everything” Williams.

That's right. I'm not the little brother...

on the outside of the bedroom
looking in anymore.

There's a new shallow, superficial,
pretty boy in town...

and his name is Marlon Williams.

Man, I don't know
where you get this conceited stuff from.

Hey, big fellow.
Look like you got a good appetite.

Are you the owner?

Me and the three banks I owe money to.
Back to your appetite.

Can I interest you
in a double cheeseburger?

Chicken pot pie?

The whole left side of the menu?

Look, you picked the wrong guy
to mess around with!

Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know
you were so sensitive about your weight.

Sir, we do have a diet plate.

Look, old man.
I know about you and my wife.

What? I don't even know who your wife is.

Back off me, brother.

Y'all just continue eating.
We're just rehearsing a play.

What I'm trying to tell you,
you've got the wrong man.

Make me believe you.

Think about it.
Why would a woman leave...

a handsome gentleman like yourself for
an old, broken-down black man like me?

You do have a point.
You know, I am pretty handsome.

And how! If only I was 60 years younger.

What would that make you? 50? 56?

Black Caesar's wife wouldn't be
hanging out in a joint like this...

-unless she was meeting some guy.
-Well, it ain't me.

What you need to do is to go home
and find out what's wrong...

with your marriage instead of making
a big fool out of yourself.

Man, you're right.

I don't get it. She just drives me crazy.

Now. Come on, I'll tell you what,
have a couple of chairs here.

Don't cry, big fella.

You're too big to be crying.
It's embarrassing.

You don't understand. I love her so much.

Well, I tell you what. Let's go...

We going to get...
Let's try to go to that table over there.

Goodness gracious alive.

Come over here and have a seat
in one of my new, reinforced chairs.

I'm going to go make you
a nice homemade bowl of chicken soup.

My dad used to give me
chicken noodle soup.

I love chicken noodle soup.
And Beef-a-roni. And SpaghettiOs.

And Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat.

-Hi, Pops.
-Hi, son. How you doing?

This man's wife been cheating on him.

Man. That's too bad.
Is it the weight problem?

What weight problem?

I assumed she had a weight problem,
'cause you don't. You all right, brother.

-My beautiful Mia.
-Mia?

Yeah, some lowlife is having an affair
with his wife...

making Black Caesar look like a fool.

-It makes me mad even thinking about it.
-It makes me mad, too.

-Tell you what you do.
-What's that?

You go find that bucket-head,
back-stabbing, sleaze-ball dog...

and you tear him limb from limb.

That's right, I'm gonna make that sucker
wish he was never born.

Thank you.

I'm going to get that sucker right now.

If I could take a break,
I'd help you find that flea-bitten varmint...

and put him back in the dog pound
where he belongs.

Pop, that bucket-head, back-stabbing,
two-timing fool is Marlon.

-Marlon?
-Yes.

-Marlon slept with a woman?
-Yes.

Look like I owe your mama another $50.

Baby, I've been alone for so long.

But now that I've got you,
I'm never going to stop loving you.

Never is a long time.

I'm going to need me a five minute nap
and some Gatorade.

Pepito.

Hello, Mia.

Can't you see I'm busy, Shawn?
Get out my room.

Marlon, I have to talk to you,
and I have to talk to you alone.

-I'm sorry, baby. Do you mind?
-It's okay. I have to go, anyway.

But you, I'll call later.

-Goodbye, Shawn.
-Goodbye, Mia.

Bye, baby.

-Isn't she something?
-She's something all right.

What you want to say?
Come on, spit it out.

Look, Marlon, I don't know any nice way
to tell you this...

but I found out that Mia is married.

You're so desperate, it's pathetic.
Shawn, you're sad.

I finally got somebody in my life
that I love...

and you don't know how to handle it.

Marlon, this has nothing to do with me.
Okay? I'm trying to help you.

This lady's married to a nut,
and he's gonna kill you.

I bet he's a real big guy, too, big and scary.

As a matter of fact, he is.
He goes by the name of Black Caesar...

and he's one of the scariest brothers
you'll ever see.

That sound like an old pimp
from a Dolemite movie.

Who is it? Is that Black Caesar over there?

- I bet this is him right here.
-All right.

Shawn, I'm real scared.

Okay, laugh.

-Black Caesar?
-Black Caesar.

-Fire escape?
-Fire escape.

Let's go!

You want to give me a description
of the alleged husband?

Okay. He was about seven feet wide.

He weighed about 400 pounds
and he goes by the name of Black Caesar.

-Black Caesar?
-Yeah.

Why didn't you say it was Black Caesar?

-Does it matter?
-Does that matter?

That guy's a psychopath.
You boys are dead.

Black Caesar is the top hit man
for the Mob.

My girlfriend's married to the mob?

I got to get out of here.

Hey, wait, look on the bright side.
The guy's a pro.

He's gonna whack you so fast,
you won't even see it coming.

Thank God.

I told you there was something up
with that girl.

Why couldn't she have told me?

She lied, man.
Doesn't that tell you something?

Yeah. It does!
Shawn, she's trying to protect me.

She loves me. She don't love him.
I got to help her.

-How you going to do that?
-I'm going to find Black Caesar.

Are you crazy? That's suicide.
Black Caesar will kill you.

Yeah? He'll have to kill me first.

Marlon, are you crazy?

Yeah, he's big, and yeah, I'm afraid,
but remember, Shawn...

David slew Goliath.

Yeah, but Goliath was a white guy.

-Are you sure this is the place?
-Sure this is the place.

Lefty, the one-armed hobo,
is never wrong...

except for that one time
he took a nap at Jeffrey Dahmer's house.

You guys must be out of your minds.

What, you think I'm afraid of you?

Shoot, boy, let me tell you something.
I'm fighting for love, baby.

What? I'll knock that pack of franks
off the back of your neck.

You think 'cause you got all this,
this, and this, you saying something?

Boy, let me... You better recognize.

So what you gonna do now?

You had to ask, didn't you?

Hey, come on, Black Caesar, old buddy.

Haven't you ever heard,
"To err is human, to forgive is divine"?

No.

I hope I'm not out of line when I say this...

but you need to take
your big ass to church.

Man, why don't you see
that me and Mia's love is eternal?

-That's what the last guy said.
-What last guy?

You didn't think you were
the only one now, did you?

You mean there were others?

Now I know I was in love...

'cause I could feel my little heart
breaking right now.

You? Imagine how I feel.

I love that woman.
I miss making love to her.

I'll miss it, too.

Enough of all that mess.

Either of you raisin heads got a match?

- I stopped smoking.
-Yeah, man.

I'll be right back. Now don't you move.

-Ask that little cockeyed girl from TLC.
-Yeah, she probably got a match.

I should have known
something was wrong.

Why else would she want a pumpkin head
like me?

Don't talk like that, kid

Sooner or later, somebody's going
to come along and love you for yourself.

-You think so?
-Yeah.

I just hope it's soon
and she brings some scissors with her.

How we going to get out of here?

Hey, Shawn, I got a plan.

-You do?
-Yeah, listen...

once we're on fire,
the ropes will be easier to break.

Well, just in case that doesn't work...

let's just try and hop for the phone, okay,
just as a backup plan.

-Okay.
-All right.

Ready? Hop to the left.
I seen this in a movie before.

-Ready?
-One, two, three.

Okay. Let's try the right.

No. Let's just go
straight for the phone, okay?

Okay. One, two, three.

All right. I'm here.

Hello? 911?

Hello? This is an emergency!

Black Caesar got us tied up
at his warehouse at Pier 11 E...

and he's going to kill us. What? Caesar?

I didn't know you were on the other line.

Not bad.

Hey, you ever find those matches
you were looking for?

Try the liquor store.

Okay, well, I'll just be waiting right here
for you to kill us, okay?

All right. Take your time, brother.

You two guys are really stupid.

He must have overheard your plan.

Yeah. Well, overhear this.

Okay. Screw it.
I got something else for you.

-He can't kill us now.
-What's he going to do?

Please tell me he just rode out of here
on a moped.

Hey, you know what? I do got a match.

It's too late.
I already got my chain saw going.

No, please. Here, kill him first.

Now hold it! Police! Freeze!
Cuff him, boys. Let's go.

Hey, how'd you find us?

We've been tailing you
since you left your apartment.

I figured, since Caesar wanted you dead...

the best way to nail him
would be to follow you...

-and catch him in the act.
-What if you came in a minute later?

Murder, attempted murder,
it's still a crime.

Don't light that cigar! Run for your life!

Step right up,
take a picture with our local hero...

my son, the man who brought down
Black Caesar.

I'm so glad you're all right.
You must have been so scared.

Me scared? Shoot, girl,
you know I'm never scared.

I got nerves of steel,
you know what I'm saying.

They'll shoot me!

Marlon, you're alive. Thank God.

-See, now we can be together.
-I don't think so, Mia.

Well, why not? Black Caesar's in jail.

Look, Mia, I don't know much about love,
but I do know one thing.

-Shawn, what's that one thing?
-Honesty and trust.

Love is about honesty and trust,
and you wasn't honest with me...

therefore, I don't trust you. So it's all over.

Are you sure that's what you really want,
big daddy?

It's what must be, sweet mama.

Bye, Mia.

Please, let's not make this any harder
than it already is.

Goodbye.

I'll never forget you.

Now that is the first time, Marlon...

that I found you even remotely attractive.

Why you checking out my brother?

Kid, I know that was hard for you to do.
You going to be all right?

I don't think so, Shawn.

Mia was my first love
and my first heartbreak.

-I ain't never getting over her.
-You'll be all right, kid.

Hey, you're the guy from the newspaper.

I think heroes are so sexy.

Would you have dinner with me tonight?

I'm all over her now.

Let's go, baby.

-98, 99, 100.
-Yeah!

Come on, Pay up. Give me them dollars.
Come on, Benny.

Up the ante. Give me the game. Okay.

Sorry, bro, we don't accept food stamps.

But I will take a welfare check. Thank you.

-Let's go again.
-Yeah!

-Two, three, four, five, six, seven.
-Go!

Look up, Marlon. Say, "Cheese.”