The Venture Bros. (2003–…): Season 7, Episode 4 - The High Cost of Loathing - full transcript
The Monarch faces financial challenges as he attempts to rebuild his fiendish organization, while Dean attempts to build a normal life out of his father's shadow at college.
Weesh-hoo.
Paydirt.
21... Uh, Number 2!
Step aside!
I'll do the honors.
Oh, clever Venture.
So practiced
in the art of deceit.
But don't you know you can't
hide from your own shadow?!
¡Madre díos!
God can't hear you, Dieciséis!
Minions!
I hold in my hot little hand
the key to our bold new future!
At long last, the full power
of the Mighty Monarch
shall be unleashed!
Mm, ahh!
Oh, that's the stuff.
- Um... Mr. Monarch?
- Mm...
Honey?
Wha... What?
The Councilman
asked you a question.
I said, "What's up
with your eyebrows?"
- Oh, I... ran out of product.
- Mm-hmm.
What, is that gonna
count against me?
Personal grooming
is a factor, yes.
But determining your EMA level
is a calculus of many criterion.
I must say, so far,
your lair does not impress.
Well, we're still in the process
of upgrading our equipment.
We weren't really expecting you
to come by so soon.
Precisely the point
of a "surprise inspection"!
You let your henchmen
speak out of turn?
No, no. He's not a henchman.
He's... He's my Number 2.
The, uh... henchman army you're
looking for is right over here.
Hmph. "Army."
Taylor Swift rolls
with a bigger squad.
And these uniforms!
Cheap jersey knit.
Oh, who are you... Michael Kors?
Honey, help me out here.
Sweetie, my hands are tied.
I can't intercede in the
Councilman's impartial audit.
Then why are you here?!
Sorry.
Look, give it to me straight.
Do I qualify to arch Venture yet
or not?
Upon careful evaluation,
it is this Councilman's opinion
that The Guild
should officially reclassify
your EMA rating at a...
- Level Five.
- Five?! Mother...
Look, we know we're still
a little rough around the edges.
But five's kinda low, isn't it?
It is exceedingly generous!
Mr. Monarch, it will take
more than a coat of paint
to rise in our ranks.
But what about
my amazing new flying fortress?!
It's gotta be worth
at least a six or seven.
Ah, yes... that.
Five.
Sweet.
Let's do this.
C'mon!
Yeah.
Hello, my lady-love.
Just chillin'
in the new Hank pad,
and there's just
one thing missing... you.
Wanna come over and cuddle?
Oh, sounds like fun,
but I got class.
I'll say you do!
- Class, beauty, brains...
- School, Hank.
I have... What the fuck?
Ah! Sorry.
Traffic in this city
really grinds my nuts.
Took one look
at this nice, open lawn
and just had
to open Adrienne up.
It's okay, Brock.
I know what it's like
to feel bottled up inside.
I know ya do, Dean.
And that's why...
I want you to have her.
Whoa. Really?
No!
What are you... nuts?
I thought you were supposed
to be the smart one.
C'mon, grab your shit.
- What the... Dude!
- Whoa!
He... Hey!
Is today the day
you're moving in?
Y-Yeah.
Um, Brock, this is
my roommate, Jared.
- Jared...
- We... We've met.
You fucking that thing?
Wha... No! No.
I would n-never.
No, this is my fightin' beaver!
Right?
It's for cheering.
Not for...
I'm... I'm gonna...
I should go... ahem...
get dressed,
check on my student loans.
Maybe it's better
the family didn't care enough
to come see me off.
Ah, c'mon, Dean.
They... They care.
At least H.E.L.P.eR does.
All Hank cares about
is getting my old room.
And Pop's still sore I'm not
taking any science classes.
Yeah, look, um, there's
something you should know.
You don't have to say it, Brock.
Your dad signed you up for
a shitload of science classes.
We're in a shitstorm o' trouble,
Dr. Venture!
Ven-Tech is still in the red
from the Gargantua-2 fiasco,
and we spent a fortune gettin'
this here skyscraper seaworthy
after yer pappy shanghaied her.
So whatever
ye and yer junior science club
have been cookin' up
down in spec sci,
ya better produce some
measurable results right quick,
or Ven-Tech's gonna go belly up!
Well, gentlemen,
there's only one thing left
to do.
Uh...
what are you doing there, Doc?
Uh, wa...
Oh, geez, Doc!
"No measurable results," eh?
What do you call this?!
Uh, ain't that the doohickey
yer brother used to wear?
No! Not... Not exactly.
Gentlemen, I give you the future
of personal conveyance.
And the future...
belongs to Ven-Tech!
Uh, you got a bit of a...
Oh, geez!
Oh, look at yer leg!
Nah, nah,
you don't wanna pull that... Oh!
Oh, boy.
Doc?
Mm-hmm.
And you're looking
to borrow how much?
- $20 million.
- Oh, yeah.
Which you would use to acquire
a new flying fortress,
uniforms and equipment,
and, uh...
- What is this item?
- Handy Dandy.
Very difficult to acquire,
on account of the ambergris,
but, I assure you,
it is essential to my work.
Hmm.
No proof of income...
Uh, he does own his own home.
You're referring to the
condemned property in Newark?
Formerly condemned.
I spent a small fortune
fixing it up.
Hence the business loan.
Don't want to strain the ol'
trust fund too much, you know.
A trust fund, you say?
Do you happen to have
documentation on that account?
No. You do. It's been at this
bank for, like, 40 years.
- Look it up!
- Ah. Okay. Yes.
Well, I see it here now.
I do apologize,
Mr. Fitzcarraldo...
Monarch. And no need to
apologize. Just gimme money.
...but that account
is overdrawn.
Overdrawn.
Overdrawn.
Oh, okay.
Just try to breathe here.
We can try
the Guild Credit Union,
or maybe your wife
could give us...
Go wait in the car.
- What?
- Do it!
Listen to me very carefully.
You're going
to give me that money.
Because this is a robbery!
Everybody drop to the ground!
I am an armed
and deadly supervillain!
And if anyone tries
anything funny...
...that happens!
"Not in my parlor..."
said the Spider
to the Butter-Fly.
This bank is protected by...
the Brown Widow!
- Aw! Did that just come out...
- Widow kick!
- Start the car!
- Going somewhere?
Start the... Aaah!
All right, everybody, listen up!
My name is Professor Tompkins,
and I'm gonna be
filling in for Dr. Nidaba
while he is still incapacitated.
- Hey, Bjorn Borg, you're late!
- Sorry.
Little about me. I normally
teach U.S. Military History,
and I'm head coach of
the Stuyvesant wrestling team...
Go, Beavers!
So I'm a little new to all this
namby-pamby philosophy crap.
So, today, I'm gonna start
you out on the classics
with a little help from visiting
professor Mr. Zack Snyder.
Somehow I don't think
the moral of Plato's "Republic"
was "kickin' ass
and takin' names."
Yeah, no, but how cool
was it to see "300" again, huh?
Dean? Dean Venture?
Oh, my God!
I thought that was you.
Oh. Hi, Sirena.
- Hi, Sirena.
- Bye, Jared.
"Bye, Jared."
So, you're livin'
on campus now, huh?
Oh, I'm so jelly.
It's only, like, 50 blocks,
or whatever,
but it's like a totally
different world up here.
- Yeah. I sure hope so, anyway.
- Hey, where you headed?
You wanna grab a cup of coffee
or something?
Oh, uh, well, I-I can't.
Oh, do you have
that same Hank thing,
where coffee makes you crazy?
No. I have to go cancel
all my science classes
because my dad makes me crazy.
Well, he's lucky to be alive.
We were able to stop
the bleeding in time,
but the glass nicked
his femoral artery,
so we're gonna want to keep him
overnight for observation.
Heckuva job bodyguarding there,
Samson.
I had to drop Dean off.
Where were you?
Where am I always?!
Down at the front desk.
A real soldier
never leaves his post.
So, who's watching
the place now?
Yeah,
I should probably get back.
Uh, did... did Dean come?
Where's my boy?
He's at class, Doc.
First day.
I'm here, though, Pop!
And while I got you
in a groovy mood,
I need a quick cash injection
for, uh, some upgrades
I want to do to my new room.
Now, I can keep the costs down
by do-it-myself'ing
the paint and wallpaper,
but frankly, I'm out of my depth
- when it comes to this skylight.
- No, Hank. Just... no.
I'm not giving you any money.
Wh...? C'mon!
You gave Dean his own checkbook!
And I gave you a choice.
Either you enrolled in school...
- Well...
- Clown college doesn't count.
Or you get a job.
I'm sorry, gentlemen,
but visiting hours are over.
You're free to come
back tonight, okay?
Can I get one of those?
Because while my dad
might be a billionaire,
I don't have a pot to piss in!
You're lucky I'm not
charging you rent, Hank!
Wait.
Where are you going?
Nurse, this man is my bodyguard.
He's authorized
to stay the night.
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
Wait.
Stay with me, Bro-o-o...
It's bad.
Hey, sweetie.
Rough day, huh?
Yeah. New York is lousy
with superheroes.
Y-You'll do better next time.
You don't understand, baby.
There is no next time!
I'm broke. Game over.
I have nothing left.
You have me.
You have 21.
- You have this beautiful house.
- You mean this money pit!
What the hell was I thinking,
pouring all my...
These sconces!
Look at these sconces.
$1,200 apiece.
Was I out of my mind?
Okay, well, breaking them
isn't gonna...
This vintage
rosewood executive desk
by Arne Vodder for Sibast.
$8,000!
- Oh! Ohh!
- You're gonna get it all back.
The Guild has assigned you
a cherry new arch.
- Yeah, a cruddy Level Five.
- It's a start.
Baby steps, sweetie.
Just work the program.
Log some arches.
Earn your way up the ladder.
- I-I can't.
- Yes, you can!
Because you are
the Mighty Fucking Monarch.
You're a survivor,
just like your namesake.
Every spring, these little guys
migrate thousands of miles
from Mexico to Canada.
They average
maybe 50 miles a day,
but, little by little,
they get there.
And in the fall,
they pick themselves up,
and they make
the long journey back.
The point is, you can do
anything you set your mind to.
Because Monarchs never quit.
You're right.
Thank you, honey-bunny.
I wish you could've met her
when she was alive.
She would've liked you.
I was quite excited
to see your name on my roster.
I mean, your grandfather
was a huge inspiration to me.
Well, thank you. But my father's
the real reason I'm here.
Uh-huh. Yeah, I've, uh...
I've heard of him, too.
See, he signed me up
for all these classes,
and the truth is, I'm not
really interested in science.
Oh, no?
What are you interested in?
Well... I don't really know.
That's kind of
why I'm in college.
But I definitely know
that I don't...
Want to be like your father.
I myself was born the scion
of a powerful family.
Daddy wanted me to go
into the family business.
I can relate.
With all due respect, Professor,
I don't think you can.
It's not just him.
It's his whole
super-science world.
It's like it has its own gravity
that just attracts
all these... these freaks,
a-and if you're stuck
in his orbit, then...
This was Pop.
Pop wanted
only two things in life...
to rule the world and to make
his son just like him.
Uh, also to destroy
Dr. Atomicus,
so three...
three things in life.
- Y-Your father was a s...
- Big-time.
And, man, did he mess me up.
I went to a really dark place
when I wasn't
much older than you.
But you know what saved me?
The power of science.
Not the kind of power
he was after.
I'm talking about the power to
make the world a better place,
the power to help mankind.
That's the kind of power
you need
if you want to escape gravity.
- I-I want.
- Then tell you what.
You take just one of my classes,
see if you like it,
and we move on from there?
Well... okay.
What's the least
super-science-y class you have?
All science is super,
young Dean.
- Uhh...
- Uh, botany.
Let's try you on botany.
The communal areas are
for your lounging enjoyment.
You'll find the kitchen
one level down
and stocked with snacks aplenty.
The shared bathroom
is conveniently
across the hall
from your room...
and here is
your honeymoon suite!
Uh, questions?
Uh... are you having ze Wi-Fis?
Ah! Yes. Our network's
named "Rust-4-Life,"
and the password is... Huh.
"Kate-Jackson-Meow"?
Please don't share it
with anyone.
'Cause it's embarrassing.
So, there's just the matter
of your, uh... ahem... rent.
It's $250 per night,
plus the $30 cleaning fee...
Cash! Aces.
Well, I hope
you enjoy your stay,
and thanks again
for choosing AirB&Me...
a wholly-owned subsidiary
of HankCo.
Hey, mami.
I like what I see.
Ugh.
Piss off, you pervert.
Aw, why you gotta be like that?
I mean it, you dickhead.
- I've got Mace!
- And I've got flowers!
Hank! Jesus!
What are you doing here?
I suddenly found myself
flush with cash
and wanted to share
the wealth with my best gal.
What say we paint the town?
You name the color.
Aww, that's sweet, boo-boo.
But I told you... I got class.
But that was this morning.
Yeah, I got more than one.
- It's college.
- Well, that seems excessive.
Look, I-I gotta go.
I'm gonna be late.
We will do something
this weekend, okay?
I promise.
Uh, o... o-kay.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey, how do I look?
- You look good.
Well... except don't
do that with your face.
Ugh! Can't help it.
This gel, it's just so stiff.
I need pliable hold!
At least you don't look like
Piter De Vries anymore.
Who the hell is Piter... Oh!
He's from one of
your geek things, isn't he?
So, uh, what's the deal
with this new arch?
Is he cool or what?
"Professor Victor Von Helping."
- Oh. Guess not.
- Helping. So cheesy.
"Dean of Sciences, Stuyvesant
University," blah-blah-blah.
"Active member of Greenpeace,
Doctors Without Borders."
Oh, shit!
Oh, my God.
Guess whose kid he is.
Holy!
Is that Vigo Von Hellfire?!
He's, like, Guild royalty.
Apparently, little Victor
was being groomed
for the family business,
but had a change of heart after
"a freak super-science accident
left him hideously scarred
on over 80% of his body."
Ew. Is he all melty-looking
and stuff?
- No. He looks fine.
- Huh. Handsome, even.
In, like,
a Paul Atreides kind of way.
- Geek! Geek! Geek!
- Sorry! Sorry!
Hiya, stranger.
We botany buddies?
I thought
you was quittin' science.
No.
Just my dad's kind of science.
Ugh!
Tell me about it.
My dad tried to push me
into marine biology,
but, like,
no, fucking thank you.
Are you out of your mind?
That didn't work out
so hot for him, you know?
- Or me, to be quite honest.
- I know, right?
It's like they don't even see
what their whole obsession
with super-science
is doing to their own kids.
You know I'm a clone?
Me and Hank both.
- Yeah, I know. He told me.
- How messed up is that?!
Not as messed up
as being, like, dead.
So, you know...
maybe super-science
ain't all bad.
Brr! Hoo!
It's a brisk one out there!
Sorry I'm late, students.
Ah! Well.
Looks like it's just
the three of us, then.
Not anymore!
The Monarch
is auditing this class!
Oh! Hey.
Hey, Dean Venture!
No, no, no, no!
Hank.
Hey, Pop?
You awake?
Well, hello
there, son. How was your day?
Honestly, it started good,
but it turned out to be
kind of a bummer.
Well, that
doesn't sound very Hank of you.
Yeah, well,
it ain't easy maintaining
my famous can-do attitude
when you're always
all "can't-don't" to me.
I don't get it.
I mean, Dean cuts and runs
on Team Venture,
and you give him
whatever he wants.
But I stick around,
and you punish me for it.
I mean, I know
he's your favorite,
but do you have to act like it?
- ♪ Take my hand ♪
- You know...
I just feel so...
kind of alone now that...
What is that?
♪ Take my hand,
I can take you there ♪
♪ I'm feeling kinda fragile
'cause I... ♪
They...
They say that music helps.
See?
I-I heard music.
Am I dreaming?
It's no dream, Pop.
It's...
Wait a minute.
Uh, how much did you hear?
You really came to see me?
Yeah.
I-I guess I did.
Aww.
I want you to know
you've always been my favorite.
I love you...
...Kate Jackson.
Hank?!
It's game night, man!
I'm comin' for that flat-screen!
- What are you doin'?
- Alarm went off in Hank's room.
That ain't Hank's room anymore.
And Hank went out an hour ago.
We go in on three.
One...
Three!
No. Nothing.
Where is it, Von Hippie?
Where is what?
It's a botany lab.
Is this some kind
of rush-week prank?
No, we're your new arches,
you condescending putz!
We're here to fight you
and steal your shit!
Well, I'm not going
to fight you.
Okay, that'll work.
Aah! Mother...
Nice.
Step aside, you child.
Ow!
This is absolutely broken!
- Why is there metal...
- This is just fucking sad.
Shut up!
21! Grab her!
- Dude, that's Wide Wale's dau...
- Do it!
- Really?
- Hey!
Now give us
your secret science shit!
Or my Number 2's gonna go
"Mama had a baby,
and its head popped off"
on your little dandelion here!
Enough!
Do as you like to me,
but you do not
threaten my students!
You wanted to get
a rise out of me.
- Hey.
- Well, how do you like me now?!
How do you like facing
the full wrath
of
Professor Victor Von Hellfire?!
No, no.
No, please, Professor!
Don't let him drag you
down to his level.
- Hey!
- What's it gonna take, Monarch?!
Huh?! To rid my life of creeps
like you once and for all?!
Why do you even do this?!
Do you even know anymore?!
Oh, what do you know,
rich bitch?!
You never had to work
for a living.
Taking shit arches
instead of doing
what you really want to do!
Or hating
who you really want to hate!
Fine! There's only one way
to end this, then, isn't there?
Gun!
One... million...
dollars.
There!
Is that gonna be enough
for you to leave
my professor alone?
To leave me alone? Huh?!
Well, I... Uh, yeah?
Then... Oh.
Uh, okay.
T-That okay with you, Professor?
I should be calling
you professor.
Because you've taught me
something here tonight,
- young Dean.
- Oh, my God!
Can we please leave
this after-school special?
Oh, uh, but, first,
can we get you to sign this?
Standard Guild form 4-B,
arch confirmation...
Oh, of course. Oh.
I seem to have lost my pen.
- Hey, are you okay?
- Oh, please, are you kidding me?
I grew up
around Level Nines and Tens.
These guys are,
like, negative threes.
I dunno what they were.
That was an embarrassment.
Um, but you're...
but you're so sweet for asking.
My hero.
Oh! Oh, come on.
It was nothin'. I didn't...
Oh, no!
Top earner for the month!
Oh, so proud!
I knew you could do it, honey.
Even Z was impressed.
He sent this over.
Geek!
Paydirt.
21... Uh, Number 2!
Step aside!
I'll do the honors.
Oh, clever Venture.
So practiced
in the art of deceit.
But don't you know you can't
hide from your own shadow?!
¡Madre díos!
God can't hear you, Dieciséis!
Minions!
I hold in my hot little hand
the key to our bold new future!
At long last, the full power
of the Mighty Monarch
shall be unleashed!
Mm, ahh!
Oh, that's the stuff.
- Um... Mr. Monarch?
- Mm...
Honey?
Wha... What?
The Councilman
asked you a question.
I said, "What's up
with your eyebrows?"
- Oh, I... ran out of product.
- Mm-hmm.
What, is that gonna
count against me?
Personal grooming
is a factor, yes.
But determining your EMA level
is a calculus of many criterion.
I must say, so far,
your lair does not impress.
Well, we're still in the process
of upgrading our equipment.
We weren't really expecting you
to come by so soon.
Precisely the point
of a "surprise inspection"!
You let your henchmen
speak out of turn?
No, no. He's not a henchman.
He's... He's my Number 2.
The, uh... henchman army you're
looking for is right over here.
Hmph. "Army."
Taylor Swift rolls
with a bigger squad.
And these uniforms!
Cheap jersey knit.
Oh, who are you... Michael Kors?
Honey, help me out here.
Sweetie, my hands are tied.
I can't intercede in the
Councilman's impartial audit.
Then why are you here?!
Sorry.
Look, give it to me straight.
Do I qualify to arch Venture yet
or not?
Upon careful evaluation,
it is this Councilman's opinion
that The Guild
should officially reclassify
your EMA rating at a...
- Level Five.
- Five?! Mother...
Look, we know we're still
a little rough around the edges.
But five's kinda low, isn't it?
It is exceedingly generous!
Mr. Monarch, it will take
more than a coat of paint
to rise in our ranks.
But what about
my amazing new flying fortress?!
It's gotta be worth
at least a six or seven.
Ah, yes... that.
Five.
Sweet.
Let's do this.
C'mon!
Yeah.
Hello, my lady-love.
Just chillin'
in the new Hank pad,
and there's just
one thing missing... you.
Wanna come over and cuddle?
Oh, sounds like fun,
but I got class.
I'll say you do!
- Class, beauty, brains...
- School, Hank.
I have... What the fuck?
Ah! Sorry.
Traffic in this city
really grinds my nuts.
Took one look
at this nice, open lawn
and just had
to open Adrienne up.
It's okay, Brock.
I know what it's like
to feel bottled up inside.
I know ya do, Dean.
And that's why...
I want you to have her.
Whoa. Really?
No!
What are you... nuts?
I thought you were supposed
to be the smart one.
C'mon, grab your shit.
- What the... Dude!
- Whoa!
He... Hey!
Is today the day
you're moving in?
Y-Yeah.
Um, Brock, this is
my roommate, Jared.
- Jared...
- We... We've met.
You fucking that thing?
Wha... No! No.
I would n-never.
No, this is my fightin' beaver!
Right?
It's for cheering.
Not for...
I'm... I'm gonna...
I should go... ahem...
get dressed,
check on my student loans.
Maybe it's better
the family didn't care enough
to come see me off.
Ah, c'mon, Dean.
They... They care.
At least H.E.L.P.eR does.
All Hank cares about
is getting my old room.
And Pop's still sore I'm not
taking any science classes.
Yeah, look, um, there's
something you should know.
You don't have to say it, Brock.
Your dad signed you up for
a shitload of science classes.
We're in a shitstorm o' trouble,
Dr. Venture!
Ven-Tech is still in the red
from the Gargantua-2 fiasco,
and we spent a fortune gettin'
this here skyscraper seaworthy
after yer pappy shanghaied her.
So whatever
ye and yer junior science club
have been cookin' up
down in spec sci,
ya better produce some
measurable results right quick,
or Ven-Tech's gonna go belly up!
Well, gentlemen,
there's only one thing left
to do.
Uh...
what are you doing there, Doc?
Uh, wa...
Oh, geez, Doc!
"No measurable results," eh?
What do you call this?!
Uh, ain't that the doohickey
yer brother used to wear?
No! Not... Not exactly.
Gentlemen, I give you the future
of personal conveyance.
And the future...
belongs to Ven-Tech!
Uh, you got a bit of a...
Oh, geez!
Oh, look at yer leg!
Nah, nah,
you don't wanna pull that... Oh!
Oh, boy.
Doc?
Mm-hmm.
And you're looking
to borrow how much?
- $20 million.
- Oh, yeah.
Which you would use to acquire
a new flying fortress,
uniforms and equipment,
and, uh...
- What is this item?
- Handy Dandy.
Very difficult to acquire,
on account of the ambergris,
but, I assure you,
it is essential to my work.
Hmm.
No proof of income...
Uh, he does own his own home.
You're referring to the
condemned property in Newark?
Formerly condemned.
I spent a small fortune
fixing it up.
Hence the business loan.
Don't want to strain the ol'
trust fund too much, you know.
A trust fund, you say?
Do you happen to have
documentation on that account?
No. You do. It's been at this
bank for, like, 40 years.
- Look it up!
- Ah. Okay. Yes.
Well, I see it here now.
I do apologize,
Mr. Fitzcarraldo...
Monarch. And no need to
apologize. Just gimme money.
...but that account
is overdrawn.
Overdrawn.
Overdrawn.
Oh, okay.
Just try to breathe here.
We can try
the Guild Credit Union,
or maybe your wife
could give us...
Go wait in the car.
- What?
- Do it!
Listen to me very carefully.
You're going
to give me that money.
Because this is a robbery!
Everybody drop to the ground!
I am an armed
and deadly supervillain!
And if anyone tries
anything funny...
...that happens!
"Not in my parlor..."
said the Spider
to the Butter-Fly.
This bank is protected by...
the Brown Widow!
- Aw! Did that just come out...
- Widow kick!
- Start the car!
- Going somewhere?
Start the... Aaah!
All right, everybody, listen up!
My name is Professor Tompkins,
and I'm gonna be
filling in for Dr. Nidaba
while he is still incapacitated.
- Hey, Bjorn Borg, you're late!
- Sorry.
Little about me. I normally
teach U.S. Military History,
and I'm head coach of
the Stuyvesant wrestling team...
Go, Beavers!
So I'm a little new to all this
namby-pamby philosophy crap.
So, today, I'm gonna start
you out on the classics
with a little help from visiting
professor Mr. Zack Snyder.
Somehow I don't think
the moral of Plato's "Republic"
was "kickin' ass
and takin' names."
Yeah, no, but how cool
was it to see "300" again, huh?
Dean? Dean Venture?
Oh, my God!
I thought that was you.
Oh. Hi, Sirena.
- Hi, Sirena.
- Bye, Jared.
"Bye, Jared."
So, you're livin'
on campus now, huh?
Oh, I'm so jelly.
It's only, like, 50 blocks,
or whatever,
but it's like a totally
different world up here.
- Yeah. I sure hope so, anyway.
- Hey, where you headed?
You wanna grab a cup of coffee
or something?
Oh, uh, well, I-I can't.
Oh, do you have
that same Hank thing,
where coffee makes you crazy?
No. I have to go cancel
all my science classes
because my dad makes me crazy.
Well, he's lucky to be alive.
We were able to stop
the bleeding in time,
but the glass nicked
his femoral artery,
so we're gonna want to keep him
overnight for observation.
Heckuva job bodyguarding there,
Samson.
I had to drop Dean off.
Where were you?
Where am I always?!
Down at the front desk.
A real soldier
never leaves his post.
So, who's watching
the place now?
Yeah,
I should probably get back.
Uh, did... did Dean come?
Where's my boy?
He's at class, Doc.
First day.
I'm here, though, Pop!
And while I got you
in a groovy mood,
I need a quick cash injection
for, uh, some upgrades
I want to do to my new room.
Now, I can keep the costs down
by do-it-myself'ing
the paint and wallpaper,
but frankly, I'm out of my depth
- when it comes to this skylight.
- No, Hank. Just... no.
I'm not giving you any money.
Wh...? C'mon!
You gave Dean his own checkbook!
And I gave you a choice.
Either you enrolled in school...
- Well...
- Clown college doesn't count.
Or you get a job.
I'm sorry, gentlemen,
but visiting hours are over.
You're free to come
back tonight, okay?
Can I get one of those?
Because while my dad
might be a billionaire,
I don't have a pot to piss in!
You're lucky I'm not
charging you rent, Hank!
Wait.
Where are you going?
Nurse, this man is my bodyguard.
He's authorized
to stay the night.
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
Wait.
Stay with me, Bro-o-o...
It's bad.
Hey, sweetie.
Rough day, huh?
Yeah. New York is lousy
with superheroes.
Y-You'll do better next time.
You don't understand, baby.
There is no next time!
I'm broke. Game over.
I have nothing left.
You have me.
You have 21.
- You have this beautiful house.
- You mean this money pit!
What the hell was I thinking,
pouring all my...
These sconces!
Look at these sconces.
$1,200 apiece.
Was I out of my mind?
Okay, well, breaking them
isn't gonna...
This vintage
rosewood executive desk
by Arne Vodder for Sibast.
$8,000!
- Oh! Ohh!
- You're gonna get it all back.
The Guild has assigned you
a cherry new arch.
- Yeah, a cruddy Level Five.
- It's a start.
Baby steps, sweetie.
Just work the program.
Log some arches.
Earn your way up the ladder.
- I-I can't.
- Yes, you can!
Because you are
the Mighty Fucking Monarch.
You're a survivor,
just like your namesake.
Every spring, these little guys
migrate thousands of miles
from Mexico to Canada.
They average
maybe 50 miles a day,
but, little by little,
they get there.
And in the fall,
they pick themselves up,
and they make
the long journey back.
The point is, you can do
anything you set your mind to.
Because Monarchs never quit.
You're right.
Thank you, honey-bunny.
I wish you could've met her
when she was alive.
She would've liked you.
I was quite excited
to see your name on my roster.
I mean, your grandfather
was a huge inspiration to me.
Well, thank you. But my father's
the real reason I'm here.
Uh-huh. Yeah, I've, uh...
I've heard of him, too.
See, he signed me up
for all these classes,
and the truth is, I'm not
really interested in science.
Oh, no?
What are you interested in?
Well... I don't really know.
That's kind of
why I'm in college.
But I definitely know
that I don't...
Want to be like your father.
I myself was born the scion
of a powerful family.
Daddy wanted me to go
into the family business.
I can relate.
With all due respect, Professor,
I don't think you can.
It's not just him.
It's his whole
super-science world.
It's like it has its own gravity
that just attracts
all these... these freaks,
a-and if you're stuck
in his orbit, then...
This was Pop.
Pop wanted
only two things in life...
to rule the world and to make
his son just like him.
Uh, also to destroy
Dr. Atomicus,
so three...
three things in life.
- Y-Your father was a s...
- Big-time.
And, man, did he mess me up.
I went to a really dark place
when I wasn't
much older than you.
But you know what saved me?
The power of science.
Not the kind of power
he was after.
I'm talking about the power to
make the world a better place,
the power to help mankind.
That's the kind of power
you need
if you want to escape gravity.
- I-I want.
- Then tell you what.
You take just one of my classes,
see if you like it,
and we move on from there?
Well... okay.
What's the least
super-science-y class you have?
All science is super,
young Dean.
- Uhh...
- Uh, botany.
Let's try you on botany.
The communal areas are
for your lounging enjoyment.
You'll find the kitchen
one level down
and stocked with snacks aplenty.
The shared bathroom
is conveniently
across the hall
from your room...
and here is
your honeymoon suite!
Uh, questions?
Uh... are you having ze Wi-Fis?
Ah! Yes. Our network's
named "Rust-4-Life,"
and the password is... Huh.
"Kate-Jackson-Meow"?
Please don't share it
with anyone.
'Cause it's embarrassing.
So, there's just the matter
of your, uh... ahem... rent.
It's $250 per night,
plus the $30 cleaning fee...
Cash! Aces.
Well, I hope
you enjoy your stay,
and thanks again
for choosing AirB&Me...
a wholly-owned subsidiary
of HankCo.
Hey, mami.
I like what I see.
Ugh.
Piss off, you pervert.
Aw, why you gotta be like that?
I mean it, you dickhead.
- I've got Mace!
- And I've got flowers!
Hank! Jesus!
What are you doing here?
I suddenly found myself
flush with cash
and wanted to share
the wealth with my best gal.
What say we paint the town?
You name the color.
Aww, that's sweet, boo-boo.
But I told you... I got class.
But that was this morning.
Yeah, I got more than one.
- It's college.
- Well, that seems excessive.
Look, I-I gotta go.
I'm gonna be late.
We will do something
this weekend, okay?
I promise.
Uh, o... o-kay.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey, how do I look?
- You look good.
Well... except don't
do that with your face.
Ugh! Can't help it.
This gel, it's just so stiff.
I need pliable hold!
At least you don't look like
Piter De Vries anymore.
Who the hell is Piter... Oh!
He's from one of
your geek things, isn't he?
So, uh, what's the deal
with this new arch?
Is he cool or what?
"Professor Victor Von Helping."
- Oh. Guess not.
- Helping. So cheesy.
"Dean of Sciences, Stuyvesant
University," blah-blah-blah.
"Active member of Greenpeace,
Doctors Without Borders."
Oh, shit!
Oh, my God.
Guess whose kid he is.
Holy!
Is that Vigo Von Hellfire?!
He's, like, Guild royalty.
Apparently, little Victor
was being groomed
for the family business,
but had a change of heart after
"a freak super-science accident
left him hideously scarred
on over 80% of his body."
Ew. Is he all melty-looking
and stuff?
- No. He looks fine.
- Huh. Handsome, even.
In, like,
a Paul Atreides kind of way.
- Geek! Geek! Geek!
- Sorry! Sorry!
Hiya, stranger.
We botany buddies?
I thought
you was quittin' science.
No.
Just my dad's kind of science.
Ugh!
Tell me about it.
My dad tried to push me
into marine biology,
but, like,
no, fucking thank you.
Are you out of your mind?
That didn't work out
so hot for him, you know?
- Or me, to be quite honest.
- I know, right?
It's like they don't even see
what their whole obsession
with super-science
is doing to their own kids.
You know I'm a clone?
Me and Hank both.
- Yeah, I know. He told me.
- How messed up is that?!
Not as messed up
as being, like, dead.
So, you know...
maybe super-science
ain't all bad.
Brr! Hoo!
It's a brisk one out there!
Sorry I'm late, students.
Ah! Well.
Looks like it's just
the three of us, then.
Not anymore!
The Monarch
is auditing this class!
Oh! Hey.
Hey, Dean Venture!
No, no, no, no!
Hank.
Hey, Pop?
You awake?
Well, hello
there, son. How was your day?
Honestly, it started good,
but it turned out to be
kind of a bummer.
Well, that
doesn't sound very Hank of you.
Yeah, well,
it ain't easy maintaining
my famous can-do attitude
when you're always
all "can't-don't" to me.
I don't get it.
I mean, Dean cuts and runs
on Team Venture,
and you give him
whatever he wants.
But I stick around,
and you punish me for it.
I mean, I know
he's your favorite,
but do you have to act like it?
- ♪ Take my hand ♪
- You know...
I just feel so...
kind of alone now that...
What is that?
♪ Take my hand,
I can take you there ♪
♪ I'm feeling kinda fragile
'cause I... ♪
They...
They say that music helps.
See?
I-I heard music.
Am I dreaming?
It's no dream, Pop.
It's...
Wait a minute.
Uh, how much did you hear?
You really came to see me?
Yeah.
I-I guess I did.
Aww.
I want you to know
you've always been my favorite.
I love you...
...Kate Jackson.
Hank?!
It's game night, man!
I'm comin' for that flat-screen!
- What are you doin'?
- Alarm went off in Hank's room.
That ain't Hank's room anymore.
And Hank went out an hour ago.
We go in on three.
One...
Three!
No. Nothing.
Where is it, Von Hippie?
Where is what?
It's a botany lab.
Is this some kind
of rush-week prank?
No, we're your new arches,
you condescending putz!
We're here to fight you
and steal your shit!
Well, I'm not going
to fight you.
Okay, that'll work.
Aah! Mother...
Nice.
Step aside, you child.
Ow!
This is absolutely broken!
- Why is there metal...
- This is just fucking sad.
Shut up!
21! Grab her!
- Dude, that's Wide Wale's dau...
- Do it!
- Really?
- Hey!
Now give us
your secret science shit!
Or my Number 2's gonna go
"Mama had a baby,
and its head popped off"
on your little dandelion here!
Enough!
Do as you like to me,
but you do not
threaten my students!
You wanted to get
a rise out of me.
- Hey.
- Well, how do you like me now?!
How do you like facing
the full wrath
of
Professor Victor Von Hellfire?!
No, no.
No, please, Professor!
Don't let him drag you
down to his level.
- Hey!
- What's it gonna take, Monarch?!
Huh?! To rid my life of creeps
like you once and for all?!
Why do you even do this?!
Do you even know anymore?!
Oh, what do you know,
rich bitch?!
You never had to work
for a living.
Taking shit arches
instead of doing
what you really want to do!
Or hating
who you really want to hate!
Fine! There's only one way
to end this, then, isn't there?
Gun!
One... million...
dollars.
There!
Is that gonna be enough
for you to leave
my professor alone?
To leave me alone? Huh?!
Well, I... Uh, yeah?
Then... Oh.
Uh, okay.
T-That okay with you, Professor?
I should be calling
you professor.
Because you've taught me
something here tonight,
- young Dean.
- Oh, my God!
Can we please leave
this after-school special?
Oh, uh, but, first,
can we get you to sign this?
Standard Guild form 4-B,
arch confirmation...
Oh, of course. Oh.
I seem to have lost my pen.
- Hey, are you okay?
- Oh, please, are you kidding me?
I grew up
around Level Nines and Tens.
These guys are,
like, negative threes.
I dunno what they were.
That was an embarrassment.
Um, but you're...
but you're so sweet for asking.
My hero.
Oh! Oh, come on.
It was nothin'. I didn't...
Oh, no!
Top earner for the month!
Oh, so proud!
I knew you could do it, honey.
Even Z was impressed.
He sent this over.
Geek!