The Venture Bros. (2003–…): Season 7, Episode 10 - The Saphrax Protocol - full transcript

He could be anywhere,
and he's under the protection

of Agent Samson.

There will be casualties.

Move
in helicoidal agony maneuver.

Teams of four.

We don't stop
till we have Dr. Venture.

What's going on in here?

Huh.
That was super-easy.

Dr. Venture.
So good to see you again!

You look like a million dollars.

- Trim.
- Oh, so trim!



What's your secret?

I don't eat too many...

Nope.
Don't care.

What are you doing?
Secure the extraction site.

I left a little team behind.

Oh-ho, did you?
Left a little team?

Get back in line!
You're all going!

Nobody returns
till Samson is secured.

Oh, hello, you two.

Glad you decided to join us...
two hours late.

We took the shuttle.

Will you
please use the teleporter?

We didn't steal it for nothing.

What happened to Phage
was a fluke.



The teleporter
is perfectly safe.

It was being used for tonight's
Blackout team operation.

What's this about Phage?

He's not tending
to his llama farm?

I knew that llama-farm thing
was fake!

Llama bacon is ridiculous!

What happened to Phage?!

Llama meat has
half the calories of pork!

Limb, come on.

Phage had a little
teleporter mishap a while back.

It's nothing to worry about
unless you guys have, like,

biomechanics or metal parts.

We were going to pierce our ear
like Jimmy from "Road House."

The gentleman who beat
everyone up with a pool cue!

You can still pierce your ear.
Now can we move on, please?

Get into your robe.

The candidates are hoodwinked
in the Ritual Space.

And don't muck this up,
you guys.

This is a very important
Tenning for me.

Hello?

Hello?!

Hello, anyone?

Ooh.

Hello, uh, dolls.

Hank! Do not move!

They've caught your scent.

Are you gonna like,
do something, or...?

They can't see you
if you stand perfectly still.

Do... not... move.

Dude, they're dolls.

Why can't I just kick 'em over?

I don't know.
I never thought of that.

I just tried
the standing-still thing.

They scare the crap out of me.

Not at all scary.

That blue one...
She's, like, in charge.

Admit... It's unsettling.

It's just not.

Why are you on Hoth
dressed as a Wookiee?

I'm Mark Hand, the Catchman.

And this is the Ice of Weir.

And, Hank...

we're dead.

So, Heaven is
"The Empire Strikes Back."

- Nice.
- No.

Purgatory is "Barbarella."

What is "Barbarella"?

What's "Barba..."

It's only the greatest space
fantasy movie probably ever.

Sir, again, you are thinking
of "The Empire Strikes Back."

What the hell happened?

- He... Hel...
- B-11-8, you okay?

- What happened?
- Your. Wondpie. Bro.

Huh?

I said, "Your windpipe broke."

I'll fix that if you answer me.

So, what is this crap...
a Blackout team?

Just nod.

You got Doc, and you sent
a few numb-nuts to keep me busy?

Insulting.
How many of you are there?

Oh, yeah, the throat.

Are there 5? 8?

10? 12? 15?

15, huh?
Now we're talkin'.

Not you, obviously.
I broke your windpipe.

Here.

Keep your fingers out of that.

It'll get infected.

Theophanes the Confessor
tells us of the Foederati,

the elite fighting force
of barbarian mercenaries.

From their ranks
came Saphrax Tervingian...

the first man to turn
a grudge into a career.

As Council Elder...

- Oh, by like a year.
- You stop it.

I welcome all of you
to this ancient ritual,

the story of Saphrax.

The first villain.

And his loyal
comrade, Altheaeus.

The first henchman.

Let Saphrax step into the light
and declare his deeds.

I, the Monarch,
have earned by might and rite

the honor and rank
of a Level-Ten Villain.

I am without fear.

I am Saphrax.

Let us begin
the journey of Saphrax...

the first trial.

When Saphrax was a boy,
he lost his favorite stone

in the Log of the Beast.

You must find his stone.

Yet the beast sleeps inside.

Disturb the beast,
and his wrath will be quick!

Put... Put my hand in there?

And retrieve the stone.

Really? This isn't,
like, a thing, like,

where I just spin the cart
and the stone shoots out

and you're all impressed
with my cleverness?

You're not Matthew Broderick.

Just put your hand in there!

Ach.
It's really mushy.

The beast!

He lives in his waste.

His log has never been cleaned.

Do you have what it takes
to find the stone?!

Chill out!
I'm trying not to get bit!

Wha... The beast doesn't bite.

What, do you think
we'd have a vicious animal

up here in space?

He doesn't bite?
What...

What was all that talk
about his wrath?

You're touching poop!
It's pretty gruesome.

I wouldn't do it.

Aaaaagh!

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Testing. Testing. Hello, idiots.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you

for accepting
this suicide mission.

Your target, a one Brock Samson,

has been really bored lately

and will enjoy
the shit outta this.

Each one of you fine soldiers
will be sacrificed

for his amusement.

Your unavoidable deaths
will become the stuff of legend.

Every new recruit
will hear the story

of the time
the Guild Blackout team

got locked in the Ven-Tech Tower

behind
7-inch bombproof steel doors

and were killed one by one
in glorious service

to this dumb-ass guild
you joined.

Good luck out there,
and thank you for your service.

Oh, come on, Hatred.

You really don't
keep a gun back here?

What's wrong with you?

Now, I'm a by-the-book
kinda guy.

Everything above board.
You know?

Straight shooter.

So I'm not gonna spin

some cock-and-bull story
about being a relative.

But I ask you, what is family?

Because I promise I exceed
every qualification

one could possibly ascribe
to that noble word.

Are you a blood relation or not?

Bested! Oh!

Nightly nurse
Cindy Marie Abrams,

you are my Waterloo.

All right. If you could just
have a seat in the waiting room.

Of course.

Moriarty to my Sherlock!

Saturated fat to my
delicious chocolate cookie.

Anyway,
I wrote it all down, so...

Dear Hank, I am a crap brother.

One... I ate that half
of a Whatchamacallit bar

you left in the fridge,
and I blamed Brock for it.

Two... Remember
your Bop It Extreme?

I broke it.
Like, intentionally.

All right, that one
I don't really regret.

I mean, remember
the song it played?

It was totally insane,
and it never stopped.

Spin it, pull it, bop it!
Break me into pieces!

Okay, three...

Remember when you liked
that 98 Degrees song,

and I was like,
"Oh, that's stupid,

and that guy looks like
a shoe box with eyes"?

Well, I liked it, too.
I was embarrassed.

Four... I borrowed
your 98 Degrees CD

and didn't tell you.

No, no, no,
this is my death dream.

You're in my Purgatory,
my Barbarella Purgatory!

It's not a Mynoc.

Uh, news flash...

You had a stroke
right before Thanksgiving.

You're in a coma.
You're not dead.

I did?
Well, doesn't that beat all.

When the heck
did you have a stroke?

No clue.

I remember going out
to rescue my girlfriend,

and then I'm here.

I must have had a stroke from
worrying about my true love.

Yeah, your dad
was like that, too.

If someone got drunk
and smiled at him,

he dug in his heels
and rode that poor woman

till she stopped
taking his calls

and moved to another town.

She also changed her name,

and I can't tell you
what her new name is.

Are you talking about my mom?

Yes. And damn it, Hank,
you're missing my point!

You haven't really done
anything with your life,

and now you're obsessing
over puppy love.

Not puppy!
What was my mom's name?!

It's Bobbi Saint Simone!

And you have to
grow the heck up!

Your obsessive first love
gave you a stroke.

I've had a lot of loves,
thank you.

That's a dumb name!

She was an actress!

And you had one girlfriend.

Aah! Wampa!

End of the line.
Nowhere to go.

I'll shoot!

Please.
Go ahead.

What are you?

I'm the guy that's
gonna shove this blade

so far up your ass that...

Come on!

When did they issue
poisoned teeth to you guys?

That's cheating!

Run it again.
That... That can't be right.

Dude, it says the same thing
as it did the last three times.

- No way.
- It's definitely way.

Oh, we got another one.

They're stacking up
like cord wood.

Who cares about that?
Dude, run the data again.

This can't be true.

I'm telling you, it's true!

According to this
clunky old blood analyzer,

the Monarch and Dr. Venture
are blood related!

Saphrax, heavy with goat

and burdened
with terrible chicken,

came to the bridge
and was stopped by the keeper.

I'm so proud of you, sweetie.

I, Saphrax, wish to cross.

What is your business
on the other side?

Young Saphrax,
still angry from taking

the awful advice
from the magic chicken,

was impetuous, and answered...

There, on the other side,

your mother waits
to willingly fornicate.

Oh, no, he didn't!

You shall not pass.

Then, from the wood,
came Altheaeus.

The first henchman.

And he did aid Saphrax.

Bridge keeper, behind you
stands my troops,

100 strong and thirsty
for bridge-keeper blood.

Really?
I shall look behind.

- I have made you look.
- Hunh!

I have been deceived expertly!

Altheaeus, the father
of "made you look."

Let Altheaeus step into
the light and declare his deeds.

I, Henchman 21,
have earned by might and rite

the honor and rank
of a Level-Ten henchman.

I am without fear.
I am Altheaeus.

Altheaeus, you have performed
beyond that of a mere henchman.

You have earned
the station of Villain.

Wait, what?
This wasn't in my script.

Like, me or my character?
Me?

You, Henchman 21,

have earned the title
of a Level-Four Super Villain.

What the fuck?

This was my party!

Number 57...

We just stopped being close.

I never tell you
anything anymore.

Did I tell you
Pop was cloned like us?

Yeah. Helper's brother
told me that.

Whoa. Did I even tell you
that Helper has a brother?

Oh... Oh, my God.
Do you even know

that Dermott
is our half brother?

Yeah, he's the son of that girl

you lost your virginity to
who Dad knocked up.

He told me when he was drunk.

He also told me
he still masturbates.

Ew.
Anyway.

58...
I'm jealous that you don't care

you're dressed like Batman
in public.

Hey. Hank.

- You okay?
- I'm okay.

Are there Wampas
in "Barbarella"?

Oh, God, no. So far,
I've only been attacked

by little kids, dolls,
and a bunch of damn canaries.

That was like a real monster.

See?
"Empire Strikes Back".

Well, how do you kill
those things in your movie?

I use the Force to get my
lightsaber and lob his arm off.

But I'm clearly
Lando Calrissian here.

His weapons
are smoldering sexuality

and a rakish smuggler's charm.

So I'll seduce the Wampa,

and then I'll sell you out
to the Empire.

Aah!

He's back!
Start seducin'!

Oh, sweet baby Wampa,

I don't claim you can have
a better time

with Hank 45 than without it...

but why take chances?

I didn't know I could do that.

Follow me!

Is he from
"Empire Strikes Back"?

Kinda.

I think I wanna see that movie.

With the taste of love
still on his breath,

Saphrax made his way
to the throne of Emperor Flavius

and unsheathed his sword.

Rise, Flavius,
and meet your doom.

It is I, Saphrax,
your sworn enemy.

I have bed your wife twice
and now leave her to you,

soaked in my seed.

Saphrax,
the father of players.

Wait!

Use my sword, Mr. Monarch.

This isn't wood.
This is a real sword.

Yes. And that is
your real sworn enemy.

You begged me for a line and...

Yes.
Yes, of course.

Mr. Monarch, here in
this ritual space...

that is in space...
anything can happen.

We all know the choice
that Saphrax made.

But what is your choice?

So... I can just,
like... kill him?

We will cover it up,
and you'll get away scot-free.

Your grudge will be settled,
and you'll be free

to do... whatever.

We shall leave you two alone.

What you say is yours.

What you do is yours.

What you decide is yours.

Aaaaaaaah!

Hold on. I gotta whiz.
You wanna take a whiz break?

Anyone wanna take a whiz break?

For like, for real?
You serious?

Yeah, seriously.
What about you,

guy with a bead on me
who needs to reload?

Damn it! How did you...

I learned to count when I was 3.
Do you need to piss or what?

Yeah.

I respect your position.

I myself man a reception desk.

But everyone has a price.

Now, I'm a man of modest means,

but I do have something
everybody needs once in a while,

and I know how to work it.

Okay, this is the last one.

The 124th reason
I'm a crap brother.

I slept with Sirena.

I-I don't even know
why I did it.

I mean, it's not like
we're in love or anything.

I just... I was stupid,
and I miss you.

And I miss when it was
just us all alone

at the compound
with... with no schools

or Sirenas or Jareds
or confusions.

Just us alone in our stupid beds

with Grandpop talking to us
in our sleep.

Aw.

Hank.

I always wished
I had hair like yours.

Fuck you, Hank.

You know how they say that
we come into this world alone

and we leave it alone?

Well, we came into it together.

So come back to me.
Please.

So I-I step
into a teleporter,

and I end up here in...

We're calling it Coma Town.
We had different strokes.

What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?

Nothing?

Neither of you have seen
"Diff'rent Strokes"?

I haven't even seen
"Barbarella."

Neither have I.

Does "Barbarella" have
a glowing lake of goo?

You've seen the Matmos?
Take us there!

Yeah, this delicious slab
of aged beef is all yours

if you just give me
three minutes inside with Hank.

You could do
what you want with me,

and I'll just purr,
"Yes, ma'am."

There you are.
Could you, uh,

maybe get your friend to stop?

Hatred, put your shirt on.
I'll stay here with Hank.

You should really go home
and, you know, check on Pop.

I mean, I'm sure he's
just worried sick about Hank

and could really use
your comfort.

Okay, okay.
You're right.

I'll just come back tomorrow
during visiting hours.

And... tell Hank...

Yeah. He knows.
I'm sure he knows.

What the hell is Matmos?

I've seen
"Barbarella" maybe 30 times,

and I still don't know
what the hell Matmos is.

It's like this energy
that surrounds everything.

- Like the Force.
- Yeah, but it's confusing,

and it might have other powers.

It's completely unnecessary
to the plot of the movie.

Ohh.
Like midi-chlorians.

This is the Force.

You said I gotta grow up, right?

Well, what's more grown-up
than jumping into the Matmos?

I don't know, a mortgage?
Prostate swelling?

Child-support payments?

I'm not sure that
jumping into that thing

would even be on the list.

Don't cry.
You'll rust so dreadfully.

Here.
Here's your oil can.

- Oh.
- Goodbye.

Where did you get this can?

I think I'll miss you
most of all.

Mwah!

Time to be a man!

If I don't come back, I'm either
awake or extra coma dead.

Also, I'm pretty sure my brother
slept with my girlfriend.

See ya later, suckers!

That kid has moxie.

That kid has undiagnosed

attention deficit
hyperactivity disorder.

Uh, this one has a note
pinned to it.

"Send Doc back now!

Or I'm coming through
this thing myself."

You think Brock wrote it?

Obviously.
Now let's go get Doc.

And tell everybody
he's related to the Monarch.

Will you stop that?
Show some class.

A little decorum.

Your sword is without blood.

Emperor Flavius lives?

Yeah, yeah. He's...
He's still...

Saphrax has decided
to carry his grudge

without the help of Altheaeus?

You know what I've decided?

That you guys are fucking dicks.

I come here to get my Level Ten,

and... and you give my henchman
Villain status

and give me the opportunity
to kill my sworn enemy?

It's a total mind fuck!

This is the way
of our guild, Mr. Monarch.

We must hear your decision.

Step into the light, Altheaeus.

Fuck it.
Fuck it. Fuck it.

Sure, let 21 be a villain.
I'm done.

What, you think I can
do this shit alone?

I'm too old to start again.

And now that you guys
have my wife

and... and my best friend and...

No! Fuck it!
Fuck it, and fuck you!

Guild wins.
Monarch out.

You know what?
Me, too.

I don't want to have to be
a villain without him.

I don't have
that kind of Saphrax grudge.

I just want to help
my best friend with his hate.

Fuck you guys.

Monarch crew.
Hench for life.

Good!
Good.

You have completed
the final trial.

Saphrax spared the life
of Emperor Flavius

and swore a blood allegiance
to Altheaeus

as you have done here tonight.

Sweetie, it was a test,
and you passed.

So I'm a Level Ten?

- You and your Henchman...
- Number 2.

...rightfully are
Level Ten Villains,

with all benefits
that title is heir to.

Congratulations.

All hail Saphrax and Altheaeus!

All hail! Yeah!
All hail Saphrax! Congratu...

Look, I don't want
to mess up the after party,

but we need to get
Dr. Venture back.

I gotta say it.
I-I can't hold it in.

Dude, not the right time.

I have to!
It's just too good!

Are you kidding me?!

Mr. Venture?
Mr. Venture.

Mr. Venture.

Yes?

Your brother is gone.

What? What? No!
He was stable!

- They said he was stable!
- No, no, no, Mr. Venture.

He didn't die.
He's gone.

- What?
- He's not in his bed.

- He, like, left.
- But...

- W...
- He's gone.

Hank! Hank!

Hank? Hank?!

Oh. Sorry.

I'm everywhere and nowhere.

I'm a man on a mission
and a mission on a man.

I'll find myself even if
I have to look in myself.

It's time I grow up.

Call me... The Bat.