The Venture Bros. (2003–…): Season 0, Episode 0 - A Very Venture Halloween - full transcript

☺ Subbed By BARFNUTS!☺

[ Knock on door]

Welcome, weary traveler,
to Castle Dracula!

The master is resting now.

Would you like a drink
of blood?

- What is this?
- Blood!

[ Sniffing ]
Tomato... blood?

Ketchup and pepsi blood.

Hmm.

The master awakes,
and he must feed!

I am the monster that
breathing men would kill!



[Transylvanian accent]
l am Dracula! Blah.

All right.
Well, thank you, boys.

That was, uh...
chilling.

HANK:
Here it is, the tomb of the mummy.

But be careful.

The path before us
is dangerous

and may even be filled
with mummies!

What?
This is my sock!

What? Gimme that.

Ooooh.
Mummy seeks vengeance.

[grunts]
Mummy... must kill!

Ah!

Pfft. Ha!

[ Clatter]



What is going on
up here?!

[dramatic music plays]

Ugh. Brock, get a bucket of
cold water with ammonia

and deal with this.

Then meet me
in the tank room.

I got to heat up the slugs!

What was that about?

He is impossible
to scare!

[ mouse clicking ]

Working on
the haunted bedroom?

Eh, that's baby stuff.
We're going out tonight.

Oh, uh,
as long as you're here,

I got an e-mail of yours
by mistake,

something about that lump
you keep talking about?

What?!
Let me see that!

What's a malignant...
melanoma?

DEAN:
Ah!

Oh, it stings when I pee!

I knew I shouldn't have
trusted her!

Dean, you get out here
this instant!

Eh, Doc, there's a ton
of water

dripping from the light
socket in the kitchen.

When was the last time you fixed
the plumbing in this place?!

Oh, come on!
You're kidding!

Boo! Gotcha!

So, this was all just --

Finally!
- Happy Halloween, Doc.

[ Up-tempo music plays]

[ Creatures growl, wolf howls ]

[ Wolf howls ]

It's just
a little get-together

with the magical community.

You won't hear a peep,
I promise.

Fine, but I want
everybody to park their cars

or brooms or whatever
outside the gate.

No loud music or chanting or
anything, either.

On behalf of
the Brimstone Assembly,

I thank you.

Oh, hey, Orpheus.

I figured you'd be
in sweatpants

and a wife beater tonight.

That's not
appropriate attire.

What we wear on the outside

speaks for who we are
on the inside.

No, I mean, like for
Halloween.

Oh, yes, an ironic outfit,
of course.

That would be jolly.

You know, in my youth I was --

Dermott, go back outside
and ring the doorbell.

Oh, hey, Mr. V.
Where's Hank?

Go back outside
and ring the doorbell.

What, seriously?

You were very hard
on that boy.

I have my reasons.

Hank! Dermott's at the door!

[doorbell rings]

Ah, your dad is a dick.

Hey, why aren't you guys dressed?

I thought you said
costumes are for little kids,

And then you show up dressed
like an enchanted mime!

I'm The Crow!
Drink it up, Hank!

And it's not a costume.
It's a disguise.

If the cops see us
in plain clothes,

we're gonna get
hauled in.

Well, why didn't you
tell me?!

All right.
This will only take a moment.

[ Chuckles ]

I'll take my chances
with the police.

A stupid speed suit is enough.
Call me dangerous.

- Huh? Loser-say-what?
- What?

[ Chuckles ]
Exactly.

- What?
- HANK: Ready!

What is that, a trash bag?

I'm a bag of Hank!

Bag of stupid.

Or...

California raisin?

ALCHEMIST:
I am so glad we're having a party!

This is not
a party, Al.

We are charged with the honor
of hosting

the 331st meeting of the
Brimstone Assembly!

Uh-huh. Sure.

So where do you want me to
assemble the chips and dip?

Oh, by my mini fajitas,
I think would be nice.

Or with the cheeses, since they
are more of an appetizer.

So, then a star goes
in the circle?

Jefferson,
this isn't "The Craft."

ALCHEMIST:
Well if it was, I'd be Fairuza Balk,

And you'd be
Rachel True.

- Which one is she?
- Hmm, guess.

We are not "The Craft,"

and we don't put
a star in the center.

We have a square representing
perfection

inside a circle
representing unity

inside a triangle representing
simplicity.

Simplicity would be a star
in the middle.

This right here's confusing.
Somebody else do this.

[doorbell rings]

Ugh, I'm boiling in here!

Will you just take off
your cloak?!

Take off your attitude!

I have to keep my red power
mantle on!

[ Door opens ]

Hey, you guys are early.
So just --

What the fuck is that?
Seriously.

Oh, so it's okay
when you do it,

but when I do it,
I'm a racist!

What the --

We're merely in the guise of
the two-headed man.

I'm Mr. Rosey Grier.

Well, that's kind of
my fault.

I told him it was
a costume party

because he simply refused
to attend

when I told him it was
a magic gathering.

- Yes! I find those trading-card
games very confusing.

DERMOTT:
Gentlemen, get ready for project mayhem.

Got everything we'll need.
Shaving cream --

Finally! Dean, and I'm trying
to be sensitive here,

but it's about time

we wiped that chocolate
milk off your face.

You're packing a sad
teen-stache there.

DERMOTT: No, dill hole, it's for
spraying on cars and stuff!

Rotten eggs.

Yeah, I buried these in my
backyard for over a month,

and they totally smell like
dead dog fart by now.

[ Muffled gag ]

I'm impressed with your
foresight.

And I got a full multipack of
ass wipe for trees and bushes.

What did you guys bring?

Dermott.
Sweet, sweet, naive Dermott.

I brought with me the only thing
you haven't prepared for --

a better idea.

The coup de grace, the crown on
the head of Halloween pranks!

Oh-ho, I like where
you're going.

All right.
What's the idea?

A night in a real
haunted house.

Old Man Potter?

And Bingo was his
name-o.

No way. Count me out.

Dad said we should never
go over there.

[mockingly]
Oh, my dad said I could never go.

Boo, hoo, hoo, I'm Dean.

Dean, we are men old enough to
grow hair on our balls!

Now it's time we use 'em

before something else grows
on 'em!

Yeah, go home, put on the
Kidz Bop version of "Thriller,"

then watch the Peanuts special
like every year.

BOTH:
Go, Team Venture.

No!
Fine, I'm going with you guys.

I'll show you
who the real babies are!

What are these,
king size?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We hand out fun size here,
Hatred.

Doc, we are 15 miles
from the nearest house.

We got an electric fence,

motion-sensitive laser
defense modules.

If a kid makes it
to that front door,

they're getting the big
candy bar!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

DRAGOON:
Just fill it for me.

I literally need a hand here.

No!
No drinking.

I'm the one who has to hold
your hair while you throw up!

I can hold our liquor, sir!

The last time you did this,
you vomited for a solid hour!

I swear I saw a license plate
come up.

It was like we were gutting
a tiger shark!

He had his ribs removed
so he could just bend over

and enjoy his own...
you know.

Well, that's what I heard,
anyway.

Marilyn Manson?
Are you sure?

I heard it was Cher that had
the ribs removed.

Why would she -- Cher doesn't
even have a... you know.

I have yet to meet a woman

that doesn't dress sexy
on Halloween.

Witch?
No, sir -- sexy witch.

Freddie Krueger?
Nope -- sexy Freddie Krueger.

Hm.
Sexy damn Freddie Krueger.

ORPHEUS:
All ye of magical disciplines,

the curtain to the netherworld
is threadbare!

The veil need not be lifted.

On this night, we need only
to peer through it.

May all who enter this circle
harness this sauin

and may their magic be true!

Welcome to the Brimstone
Assembly!

[all cheer]

[doorbell rings]

HATRED:
Oh-ho-ho, ye of little faith!

- I owe you 5 bucks.
- Knew it!

Those lasers have a dilly
of a time

hitting small things.

BOTH:
Trick or treat!

Oh, Pete and Billy
don't count.

No payout.
- Fine, no payout.

What are you guys?

I'm the thinner, whiter Duke.

And I'm Rusty Venture,
boy adventurer.

That's more
disturbing than flattering.

Ohh, king size!

Pfft, last year, Doc gave us
a little thing of smarties

to split between the both of us!

Wanna double
the wager?

Oh, I'll triple it!

[doorbell rings]

Why are you
still here?

We came to hang out
with you guys.

With the weight
of a plume...

As inflexible as cut timber...

BOTH:
We raise aloft.

[all gasp]

[applause]

Oh, that is the work
of the devil!

That is the work of a teenage
girl's sleepover!

[owl hoots, crickets chirping]

DERMOTT:
So, uh, is Old Man Potter,

like, some sort of a child
murderer or something cool?

No idea. My pop just told us
our whole life

to keep away
from the Potter place.

Never said why.

He probably skins children

and makes shoes out of 'em
or something.

Man, I never knew this
place was here.

I'm pretty sure this is
all part of our property.

Oh, yeah.
I'm sure it is, Richie Rich.

Well, you know,
since you own it,

why don't you go inside first?

Why don't you?

- 1, 2, 3.
- BOTH: Not it!

Not it.
You know what? Fine.

I-It's just an old house anyway.

Gimme the flashlight.

DERMOTT:
ls he brave or stupid?

Mm, I think he just
wants to be alone.

[ Wood creaks ]

Hello?
[ spitting ]

Hello?

Is anyone in here?

Hello?

All right. Screw this.
It's been long enough.

[grunts]

- Aah!
- [ roars ]

Aah! Aah! Yah!

MAN:
No acrofrontofacionasal dysostosis

with comorbid idiopathic
hirsutism

In the orbital region,

yet clear early stage
androgenic alopecia.

Poor little bastard.
Probably a genetic source,

as the testosterone balance
seems adequate,

judging from the near
lanugo facial display.

Eh, pupillary response good.

The subject is free of any
fetiform teratoma

and appears to have normal
heart and lung function.

It's an impressive bag of meat,
this one.

Wait, no, d--
get out of there!

We do not smell balls,
Reco!

Bad boy! Down!

[applause]

Well, that was...
a... nice try.

Ohh.
It usually works.

Serves you right,
you blasphemer!

ORPHEUS:
Well, that was a nice attempt

at a conjuring
by our friend Chris.

Curse!
Not Chris -- it's Curse!

And now we have Red Mantle,

one of the oldest members
of The Brimstone Assembly

with his, uh, ah, his,
uh --

Twist on a classic!

You gonna play the banjo
while he sings "mammy"?

- DRAGOON: No! I'm Rosy Grier.
- RED MANTLE: I will, if you all

concentrate with me
and harness the spirits...

DRAGOON: He didn't tell me about
this Easy Bake Coven he's a part of.

RED MANTLE: ...that roam free
on this All Hallows Eve,

attempt to pull a rabbit
from this hat!

So, where's the twist,
Bullwinkle?

I'm actually gonna do it!

Actually pull a rabbit
from this hat!

There's nothing up my sleeves
or anything!

- That's what they all say.
- No, seriously!

I'm going to do it for real!
It's really hard!

Oh, uh, that's what she said!

Oh, she said nothing
of the sort!

[crickets chirping ]

DOC: Come on.
BILLY: Come on. Come on. Come on!

[ laser sentries beeping ]

HATRED:
Ehh, no.

DOC:
Ohh, so close.

10 more feet,
and I would've won.

I'm telling you, they're way
better off without parents.

Those lasers
just pick 'em right off.

I had my money
on electric fence.

Who had laser sentry?
- I had lasers!

Oh, that is 10 bucks
from each of you.

Rust, what the hell is this,
cola and tomato soup?

Close.
It's ketchup and bourbon.

I call it a Hunchback.

Hank gave me the idea
a long time ago.

[ Coyote howls ]

DERMOTT:
Nah, the pretzel part is lame.

It's really those little
pumpernickel slices that are --

Wrong. It's -- it's
the actual cereal pieces.

[chuckling ]
Oh, my god, when they're filled

with that big hunk of flavor stuff?

Precisely!
Those are the best part!

Oh, totally.

- Should we go get him?
- You wanna get Chex Mix?

No, get him. Get Dean.
He's been in there forever.

No way.
He's going for it.

A night in a haunted house?

Come on, freaking classic!

It's the only cool thing
he's ever done.

Huh?

What's those --
what's going on?

Oh, you're awake.
Finally.

You've been out for an hour

on one hit of chloroform,
lightweight.

Eh, your brother's
the same thing --

sleeps like 10 hours a day

ever since you stopped
with the learning beds.

What's going on here?
How do you know that?

I've been watching you
your whole life,

since you were born,
and every time after that.

- What are you, a perv?
- Heh, hardly.

You don't know who I am,
do you?

Your dad never told you
about me?

He just said to stay away
from the Potter house.

Who the fuck is Potter?
My name's Ben.

Wait, did he say stay away
from Potter's field?

I don't know. Maybe.

Well, that makes sense.

That whole field out there?
Mass grave.

Between your grandpap
and your old man,

there's been hundreds of people
killed on your property.

All of 'em are buried
out there.

They call those Potter's fields,
but I ain't Potter.

I'm Ben.

- [ Chatters ]
- Oh, gross!

Come on!
Get that thing off me!

Reco, what -- what is
your problem?!

[screeches, grunts ]

Yeah, looks like Reco
likes you --

or your balls at least.

- What the hell was that?
- Oh, Reco?

Recombinant lusus naturae.

That's his full, fancy name.

He's not used to guests.
I don't know what's up with him.

Listen, Mister.
Can you just let me down?

I won't hurt you or anything.
I promise.

No. No, no, no.
Of course.

Oh, you're not a prisoner
or nothing.

Nah, I just wanted to see
how you turned out.

You're a damn miracle!

You got the onset of ocular
degradation, but I think

you'll look good in Buddy Holly
glasses or something.

Why do you care how
I turned out?

I care because...

well, I guess you could say
that I care...

because I brought you
into this world.

OUTRIDER: Almost got it!
[chuckles]

The blue side keeps getting
messed up

when I do the red side.

Submit to desire.

I offer you ultimate pleasure.

Your thirst.
Your lust is hunger.

Submit to my toast --

my pleasure toast.

You hunger for it.

Wait! Now I've got it!
Look, all sides!

Aah.

[sighs]
Super, well, ta-da!

[applause]

JEFFERSON:
Oh, man. I'm glad we're back.

- Are they done?
- Yes, finally.

- That was horrible!
- Oh, ungodly blasphemers!

No, here I agree with you.
That was way too kinky!

Well, I certainly hope
that kind of magic

does not occur in their home,

what with them raising my child!

Oh, you old fuddy-duddy.
Let it go!

Go outside and cool off.

[ Breathes deeply]

Now, huh, let us welcome your
favorite seeker of truth,

The Alchemist.
[applause]

Thank you.
You're very generous.

Okay, news flash!
This is completely lame!

It's Halloween, people!

Let's get down to some
raisin' of the dead!

Let's make some zombies,
huh?!

Am I wrong?!

You are wrong, and you are
a dark-sided blasphemer!

Ah, anyone besides
Al Jolson?

Okay!
Let's get it on!

[sighs]

DERMOTT:
All right. Yeah. I see the belt.

But the hunter part is, like,
it's a bunch of stars.

Yeah, it's a stretch,
I know.

[sniffs]
Aw, dude! Did you just SBD?

Oh, yeah -- 100%.

I am baking brownies
in the back door.

I don't know
what's going on.

Aw, aw, huh, oh!
It smells just like food!

Hey, uh, Hank,
you want a cupcake?

- Why, you got one?
- [farts] Cupcake.

[gags,coughs]
Knock it off!

You said you wanted
a cupcake!

Oh!
[thud]

Oh, hey.
Dude, what are you doing?

What? Nothing.

[ Muffled roar]

[stammering]

DERMOTT:
Whoa!

HANK:
[stammering]

Whoa! Whoa!
Move, dude!

HANK:
Super fuckin' run away!

- [ Gasping]
- BEN: Dean, calm down, will ya?

You're taking this all wrong.
- Wrong?!

You're telling me I'm a clone,
that I'm not even Dean,

that I'm some stupid science
experiment!

How do you want me
to take it'?!

No, come on. No, no, no.
You're Dean.

There's no other Dean.
You're it, flesh and blood.

Look, I was conceived
in the backseat of a Packard.

You were conceived in a tank.
So what?

So I have no mommy,
no nothing?!

Dean, you have it all wrong.

You have a mommy,
and your dad is your dad.

They made you
by getting drunk

and forgetting to wear
a condom, like everybody else.

And your dad loved you
so much

that when you got
a boo-boo, he kissed it

and made it all better
and made it go away.

You brought me
back to life!

Yeah, okay.
Well, you and your brother had

some pretty big boo-boos.

I'm freakin'
Frankenstein --

I mean, Frankenstein's
monster... whatever!

You can't play God!

Will you knock it off?

We didn't make you
from a lotus flower, Dean.

We made you from you.

It's just...
it's just so wrong!

Have a kid one day, Dean.

Hold its lifeless body
in your arms,

and then tell me
how wrong it is.

Your grandpap and I perfected
genetic engineering

because God or whatever gave us
a perfect map to do so.

Jonas, me, and,
yes, your dad saw it

as nothing more than
a fuckin' band-aid

for a really big boo-boo.

Hey, you --
you want a beer?

I think I do.

Don't tell your dad.

[zombies growling]

Ho! Ho! Ho!

[bells jingling]

[zombies scream ]

- They're gonna make it.
- Oh, man!

I am the only one
who has money on this!

This is gonna be
a massive payout!

Oh, don't start
counting it yet.

They have two more
sentries left,

and that pirate looks
pretty tall.

Come on, kid!
Jump around a little!

No, you stay
nice and steady.

Straight line between you
and the candy.

Nice... and...
straight.

[doorbell rings]
- HATRED: Yeah!

- BILLY: Amazing!
- DOC: Oh, that's insane!

ALL:
Trick or treat!

You are the luckiest kids
ever!

- [all gasp]
- Greetings shitheads.

What's going on?

Bow down, you buffoons!
That's The Master!

Ah, it's about damn time!

Hello. You all know me.
I live in many of your closets.

And guess what?

You dinks have forced me
out of the closet.

- You go, girl!
- Solidarity, my brother!

My master, why have you
chosen the form

of Father Christmas?

Oh, I'm sorry. Should I have
chosen The Halloween Ferret?

Not a lot of options
here, pal.

You're not Santa!
You are the devil!

How dare -- ohh...

Red Mantle, you know better
than bringing a normal here,

even if he is wearing black.
That's not cool.

I didn't want to miss
the party.

You know what?
The party's over, okay?

I just had to put hundreds of
zombies back in the ground.

You've lost the true meaning
of Christmas.

This is the day
that a baby was born

to remind us that we shouldn't
raise an army of dead guys

just because we can!

[ Breathes deeply]

KIDS:
Trick or treat!

Oh, well!
Look at you!

Oh, my.

Ah, could you wait here
momentarily?

I have some delicious hors
d'oeuvres inside.

Oh, hey, Orpheus.
You missed all the fun.

Your idiot friends had
the great idea

to reanimate a graveyard.

- Isn't that neat?
- Not neat!

There are children
walking the streets!

I'm so disappointed
in all of you!

Ooh, I smell a lecture.

Okay, okay, take it easy
on 'em.

They didn't know that daddy
keeps bullets in his gun.

I will, my master.

You're my best pupil
and all that crap.

- Thank you, my master.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Merry Christmas to all,

and to all a good night.

Ho, ho, ho!

Uh, hey.
Super sorry, Orpheus.

We just got, you know, swept up
in the Halloween spirit.

That is not
the spirit of Halloween.

This is a night of true magic.

Halloween is the night
we discover who we are.

Are we people
who make zombie armies?

Are we those
who condemn others?

Or are we beautiful children
in resplendent costumes

collecting candy?

Are our choices in costumes provocative?

Do we dress up
as our ideal self?

Or are we not ready to decide
what to be?

Dude, knock it off!

Do you see it now?

We use this
one enchanted night

to perform the greatest feat
of magic there is.

We become ourselves.

Halloween is the true magic.

It is the night we discover
who we really are!

[ up-tempo music plays ]

[birds chirping]

Hey.
I thought you died.

Well, wouldn't be
the first time.

So, where's Dermott?

He's watching
the "Twilight Zone" marathon

with the grown-ups.

So, what happened
in the Potter house?

- I learned something.
- Something scary?

Well...

W-What?

I guess, um...

I learned that...

beer tastes like pee-pee.