The Untouchables (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 5 - Ain't We Got Fun - full transcript

( action theme playing)

Now talk.

( suspenseful theme playing)

ANNOUNCER: The Untouchables.

A Desilu production.

ANNOUNCER: Tonight's episode:

"Ain't We Got Fun."

Robert Stack
appearing as Eliot Ness.

Costarring Joseph Buloff.

And special guest
star Cameron Mitchell.

( suspenseful theme playing)



NARRATOR: Chicago,
the summer of 1933.

In less than a year,

the long unworkable
era of Prohibition

would come to an end.

But the byproducts
spawned by that era,

the hoodlums, the gangsters,

the vicious members
of syndicated crime,

were determined to live on.

Many of them were already
turning away from liquor

to other lucrative
fields of crime.

The numbers racket,
call girls, gambling, dope.

But in Chicago
in that year, 1933,

one of the most
successful of the gangsters

had other ideas.



He was already well on his
way to accomplishing them.

His name, Jim Harrington,

better known to
the mobs as Big Jim.

( tense theme playing)

Hello, Benny.

(glass shattering)

Benny, Benny, what a waste.

If this keeps up, you
won't stay in business.

You take my liquor,

and I'll let you keep
25 percent of your club.

I'll only charge you 75
percent for services rendered.

No. I don't give away any
part of my club to nobody.

I'll turn it into a
delicatessen first.

Then you'll own 100
percent of nothing.

Show him, Loxie.

Ah, now, smell it.
No, don't drink it,

smell it.

Gasoline.

(Loxie chuckles)

A little spray goes there,

and then you
light a little match

and then "whoosh!"

No delicatessen anymore.

He's like a kid, Benny. He
likes to play with matches.

I don't get it, but it does
something for Loxie.

Go on and tell your lawyers

to bring around the
papers in the morning.

Benny's gonna sign.
Aren't you, Benny?

( suspenseful theme playing)

(chuckling)

This was Harrington's plan.

Build an empire of
nightclubs and speakeasies.

Take them over one by
one, using force and violence.

Make them retail markets

for his own illegally
distilled rotgut whiskey.

The violence was
a police matter.

The whiskey, a federal
one. (doorbell ringing)

Oh, Mr. Ness.

Hello, Benny.

(chuckles) I thought
you were out of town.

I haven't seen you for so long,
I thought you were out of town.

I was. Just got back yesterday.

Mind if I come in?

Mind? Why, an
old friend like you?

Please, please, Mr. Ness.

Had a little trouble
finding you, Benny.

The apartment's rented under
the name of Johnny Paycheck.

Oh, Johnny, yes. He's
a young friend of mine,

and I'm helping him out
by sharing the expenses.

Mm-hm.

I see you've still
got your lucky couch.

Well, you know how
superstitious I am.

I never sleep in a bed.

I take it with me
wherever I move.

Yeah, I hear you've made
some pretty big moves lately.

I'm not quite sure if I
know what you mean.

The Blue Poodle, Benny.

You're out, Harrington's in.

Harrington made me a
good offer I couldn't refuse,

so I sold it out to him.

And I've been taking
it easy ever since.

Oh, I... I play around
with a little beer garden

on the South side.

My friend Johnny is
working the floorshow there

and, uh, heh-heh, at my age,

why should I kill
myself trying to make...?

Benny, how are your burns?

Huh?

We've been friends too long
to start playing games now.

I'm out to get Harrington.

Oh.

Sure, Mr. Ness,
but why tell it to me?

You played with fire,
Benny, you got burned.

That was an accident.
There was a fire in the kitchen.

The same accident's
happened to others.

It'll happen to still more.

I don't like to see people
burned. Not only you, anybody.

(scoffs) I... I-I still
don't see why I...

Harrington's distillery supplies

1000 gallons of liquor
a day to this town,

most of it to his own places.

The distillery is somewhere
in or around Chicago.

Help me find out where it is.

I can't help you, Mr. Ness.

You always have, Benny.

You've helped a lot
of people in your day.

Truck drivers, moochers,
people who honestly needed help.

They know things. They
can pay back favors.

I can't, Mr. Ness.

You need a hero,

and I'm just a little man who
had all the trouble he wanted.

So stay away
from me. That's all.

Please.

Just stay away from me.

You can't run from it, Benny.
You're carrying the scars.

They'll hurt more
and more every day,

unless you do something
to ease the pain.

(upbeat accordion music playing)

(chatter)

This is Benny Hoff's new dump.

MUSICIAN: So
eat, drink, be merry.

Don't worry about
what it's costing you,

because we always
got a paycheck for you.

And here he is, folks,

your friend and mine,
Johnny Paycheck.

(all cheering)

MAN 1: Hoh-hoh!

MAN 2: Hoh-hoh!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, Paul.

It was a wonderful, happy
introduction, wasn't it?

Right? (crowd chuckles)

You know, I've
always envied comics

who come onto the floor and say:

"Ladies and gents,
something very funny happened

on my way here tonight."

This ain't never happened
to me, until tonight.

(laughter)

On my way to the club,
I heard two guys talking.

And one of them, I swear,

looked just like "Machine
Gun" Jack McGurn.

I heard him say
to the other guy,

"My wife is an angel."

And the other guy said,

"You're lucky.
Mine's still livin'."

(laughter)

You know, I don't have
to do this for a living, no.

I got my own still. No kidding.

I got a still.

I'm in partners with a guy
named Stan. We call it "Stan Still."

(laughter)

You know, I wouldn't
think of leaving this joint.

I couldn't leave little Benny.

Benny Hoff, the guy that
owns the joint. You know Benny.

(crowd applauds)

Well, Benny's known
me ever since I was a kid.

And many times I look
back to those wonderful days,

the days of my youth.

And all my troubles began
on the morning I was born.

(laughter)

It was a terrible shock.
No one was home.

(loud laughter)

And finally, my old
man, he walked in

and the doctor said,

"Congratulations,
Mr. Paycheck. It's a boy."

And my old man, he looked
down at me and he said:

(with accent) "I
know but a boy what?"

(laughter)

Anyway, I was a
very, very happy baby,

even though my
parents were very poor.

And I remember we
lived in a very small house.

And one day, my
old lady... My mom.

Uh, one day, she...
She asked the landlord,

"What about the floor?"

And the landlord
said, "What about it?"

And she said, "We want one."

(laughter)

And as I remember, the years
passed and before I knew it,

I was three times seven.

And that's when I
really went to work.

And the first thing I did,

I got a job in a
speakeasy. What else?

(crowd chuckles)

I'll never forget,
two days later...

Two days later!

The boss said the one
word that made me quit:

raid.

(loud laughter)

Thattaboy!

He keeps telling her that
his wife don't understand him,

and she's his wife.

(laughter)

Hiya, Charlie. Look,
the double eagle.

(crowd chuckles) It's a...

Hey, you shake
the old man, honey,

and I'll drive you home

in the rumble seat
of my new roadster.

(laughter)

Hey, hey, hey.
Cut it out, you guys.

Don't you know it's
impolite to stare?

Mm?

Here they are, folks,
take a good look,

the happiness boys. Hm-hm.

(sighs): Oh.

I'm sorry, ladies
and gentlemen, I...

I just recognized.

It's Big Jim Harrington,

one of Chicago's
leading florists.

Well, everybody
knows Harrington Florist.

They specialize in lilies.

(chuckles)

Uh, you guys short
one pallbearer?

Hm?

Dear Lord...

Dear Lord,

please take care
of my teddy bear

and my mommy and my daddy,

who thinks he can be
mean to me sometimes

just 'cause he's
chief of police.

And please, dear Lord,
do me a favor, huh?

Please make me big and
strong like Mr. Harrington,

so I can make my
daddy say uncle,

just like Mr. Harrington does.

(laughing)

(laughs)

(crowd laughs)

(chuckles): I need a drink.

MAN 1: All right, all right!

That's all, folks.
Good night, folks,

and don't take no
wooden nickels.

(laughter)

Well, the kid's good, Loxie.

He made me laugh. Yeah.

He could be very
good for business,

in the right spot.

I wanna talk to him.

(upbeat accordion music playing)

Oh, Sam, do I need this.

Go ahead.

You crazy fool.

You could have
gotten us all killed.

Oh, Benny, relax.
He ain't so tough.

I had him laughing,
didn't I? I was good.

You were lucky, Johnny.

(stomping)

You. He wants to see you.

No. Why? Johnny was only joking.

What does he want with him?

It beats me. I
think his act stinks.

That's what I say.

Yeah? But you'll laugh
every time the boss does,

in here.

Lets go, sunshine.

Johnny,

you are playing with fire.

( dramatic theme playing)

( suspenseful theme playing)

You going after Benny again?

No.

What's Harrington's
next logical target?

He's taken over every
important spot in town,

with one exception,
the biggest one.

Schlessinger's Mohawk.

Let's see what
progress he's made,

what progress we can
make with Schlessinger.

( tense theme playing)

No, Mr. Ness. I am neither a
police officer nor a gangster.

There's no way I can help
you trap Big Jim Harrington.

Has he contacted
you, Mr. Schlessinger?

He has come here to dine, yes.

Complimented me on my
food, criticized my liquor.

And suggested you
start buying from him.

That is true. Of
course, I refused.

Has he offered to
buy into your club?

He suggested that also.

Naturally, I wouldn't
even consider it.

You're gonna have to.

I don't believe so.

Remember what happened at
the Blue Poodle, to Benny Hoff?

This man Harrington
doesn't scare me,

and he's made no
threats against me.

He won't.

He's gonna move in
here, Mr. Schlessinger,

with or without
your cooperation.

And he'll be nice at first,
then he'll turn on the heat.

You will forgive me if
I don't frighten easily.

I'll forgive you, but will
your widow and children?

Good night, gentlemen.

Good night.

( suspenseful theme playing)

Benny?

I am not asleep.

You can turn the light on.

Benny, heh-heh, we got it.

We got the break, the
big one we was waiting for.

I looked for you all after the
show. I looked everywhere.

What happened to
you? Where did you go?

Benny, listen. You gotta listen.

Go to sleep. It's late.

I don't feel like talking.

Get up.

Oh, go to sleep.

You've been drinking, Johnny.

Get up.

Get up. Get up. Get up. No, no.

Not tonight, Johnny. I'm tired.

Come on, get up. Get up.

(laughs): There we go, Benny.

Benny, you give me a break.

Yeah, a break.

(sighs)

(giggling)

Benny, you give me a
break. Me and my ma.

When my old man...

When he took off and
he left us alone, hm?

You ain't gonna turn
your back on me now.

Benny.

Truth session.

Hm?

Do you remember
how you taught me,

like in the old country?

A bottle on the table,
the door is locked,

and two friends.

Friends telling the
truth to each other,

even if it makes 'em bleed.

So we're gonna
have a truth session,

you and me.

Here, drink it.

Nah. Heh.

Johnny, you know I...

I never drink that much.

No, Benny.

Nah.

You ain't a drunk
like my old man.

Every Saturday night,

I had to carry
him up the stairs.

But, Benny, I
need the truth now.

You...

I need it.

Make me bleed.

Uh-uh.

Bottoms up, bottoms up.

All the way.

(gags)

All the way, Benny.

You're gonna make
me bleed, Benny.

Bottoms up.

(grunts)

You stink!

Can't fool me.

Not a bit.

Brave Johnny.

Well, what happened
tonight? You win him over?

He offers you a spot in one
of his downtown speaks?

Yeah, your old place.

The one you sold him.

The Blue Poodle.

You stink, Johnny.

That's all I got to say.

You stink.

I stink?

Benny, look, I open
at the Blue Poodle.

And if I hit... When I hit.

We get on a train,

burlesque, vaudeville, New York,

and you're gonna be my manager.

And if I don't land the
stinking Follies some day,

it's 'cause you're
a stinking manager.

Harrington will never
let you get away!

Three months,
Benny, three months.

You'll be marked.
Nobody will touch you.

Oh, I'll be so big...

I'll make it so big
that Harrington,

he can't touch me,
he can't touch us.

Nothing Harrington can do.
It's me and you then, Benny.

We go, we fly.

(laughs)

You and me, Johnny, huh?

You know, Johnny,

I-I'm your real old man.

Not the drunk you
had to carry as a kid.

The real old man.

(chuckles)

I... I love you, Johnny.

I, uh...

You don't even
hear a word I say.

Benny.

Harrington, he took
me there tonight.

I saw it. It's just like
what you told me.

Mm?

(chuckles)

What class, Benny.

Come on, here we go.

The Blue Poodle.

Ever since I was a kid, I
dreamed of playing there.

(chuckles)

He's got a singer
there now, a girl.

Renee Sullivan.

She...

God, heh, I don't know
what a girl like that

could see in a slob like me.

Hey, Benny, you know what? What?

I'm gonna lose weight.
I'm gonna go on a diet,

I'm gonna take steams,

and I'm gonna go
to the gym, work out.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Johnny.

Yeah?

I...

Ah. Nothing.

I am... I am drunk.

Go to sleep, Johnny.

( melancholy theme playing)

( dramatic theme playing)

ANNOUNCER: And now
back to The Untouchables.

NARRATOR: Harrington was right.

Johnny Paycheck was
an immediate smash hit

at the Blue Poodle.

Now Harrington could
plan his next move.

You know Schlessinger
doesn't wanna be your partner.

You know even Schlessinger
doesn't even want your money.

He doesn't want
anything you got.

I'll wear him down.

There's only one
way to wear him down.

If you want the
Mohawk, it's my way.

If I have to.

Mr. Harrington?

Oh, come in, Benny.
Don't bother to knock.

Just barge right in.

Or maybe you think
this is still your office.

Look, Mr. Harrington,

I-I'm sorry to break in,

but you've got to let Johnny go.

(chuckles)

(scoffs)

You're pretty funny yourself.
Maybe you should be the comic.

He's just another entertainer.

Johnny stays.

He makes the customers
laugh, he makes me laugh.

Look, Mr. Harrington...
Goodbye, Benny.

( suspenseful theme playing)

Johnny, I thought
you were rehearsing.

Yeah, well, we... I mean, I
knocked off a few numbers.

I didn't expect
you back so soon.

Where ya been?

Well, I had the tailor sew
up the sleeve you got ripped.

You did? Thanks.

Johnny, it's six weeks.

Yeah. It's gone
like that, hasn't it?

I went to see
Harrington last week,

tried to get him to let you go.

But why? What's the big rush?

Uh, you know,
there's new routines,

new stuff to put in the
act, and, oh, Benny,

I'm just beginning
to relax in the joint.

Oh, hello, Benny.

Uh, Benny, you
know Miss Sullivan.

They were waxing
the dance floor.

Big Jim thought we
ought to get together

and run over some
routines someplace else.

Ah, cut it out, Benny.

I'm just beginning to relax.

Tsk.

Yeah.

Well, I'd better be
running, Johnny.

No, you wait. I'll take
you. I'll be back in an hour.

Don't take no wooden nickels.

Come on, baby.

( somber theme playing)

Benny?

What's your pitch? You
going home to mother?

I'm taking the
midnight to New York.

Oh. So you're running out on me?

Huh?

You said you wanted
me to manage you.

Okay, I'm managing.

When I get something
solid for you out of town,

I'll give you the word.

And then either you
come with me or...

Or you stay.

You're really scared

I'm gonna wind up the
mob's boy, ain't you?

That's right,
Johnny. I'm scared.

Scared for you, Johnny.

And I'm gonna do
something about it this time.

Okay, out. On your way.

Don't bother coming
back. Don't even write.

Johnny, you mean that?

Sure, I mean it.
Don't even write.

(laughs)

Because I'm going with ya.

Johnny, you mean
that? What about...?

Renee? I just left her.

She's stuck on me.
She wants to go.

Can you imagine
Harrington's face?

He's gonna lose his whole show.
He's losing his whole floorshow.

He'll never let you
get away with that.

Will you stop worrying?
I can handle Big Jim.

Johnny, the jokes won't help.

He won't laugh.

All right, then I give
him the big punch.

(quietly) You see,
working at the club there,

I know plenty, plenty of stuff.

Now, don't let this out, Benny.

I don't want to know.

No, maybe you don't wanna know,

but your friend
Ness, the feds would.

You see, they know
Harrington's got a big still

right in the middle of the city,

but they don't know
where to find it.

No, don't tell me.

Now, will you relax? I don't
know where it is myself.

But get this. The men go
to work in a mattress factory,

they get to the still
through the sewers.

Then they run the stuff out
through a soda-pop plant...

Shut up.

Johnny, I don't wanna know.

Forget about it.

Johnny, forget about it.

Huh?

Yeah? Mr. Paycheck?

For me?

Yes, sir. Harrington Florists.

"Happy birthday, John..."

Well, what do you know?

I forgot and he
remembered. Thanks, son.

You know, for a mobster,
he ain't a bad guy.

"I can't make jokes
like you, Johnny,

"but I'm good at throwing
parties for people I like.

"There's one for you
after we lock up tonight,

"so stick around.

The best, Big Jim."

Tonight? That means we
can't make the midnight.

Eh, so what?

What's a few hours?
Tomorrow's soon enough.

Right now ain't soon enough.

The party starts as
soon as we close in here.

(big band music playing)

I'll be back before
you cut the cake.

Do a good job.

Don't I always?

( suspenseful theme playing)

Good night, Mr. Schlessinger.

Good night, Tom.

Hello, Mr. Schlessinger.
Have a little drink on me.

Who are you?

Oh, this is good
stuff. It ain't been cut.

Come on, have a
little drink on me.

Come on, come on.

What are you doing?

That's gasoline.
Better than whiskey.

(laughing)

ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Johnny ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

(laughter)

MAN: Speech. How about a speech?

Benny, uh,

ladies and gents, uh,

I can't make a
speech, I need a drink.

(laughter)

Hey, Jimmy,

this is too good
for the customers.

That's the stuff I
save for my friends.

Listen, Jimmy... (chuckles)

I don't wanna spoil your party,

but you're doing
all the wrong things.

Well, I mean,

you're making it very
hard for me to tell you

what I gotta tell you.

Make it easy on
yourself, Johnny.

(sighs)

Well, Jimmy...

(door opening)

Look, let me make it
easy for you, Johnny.

Now, I know what
you're gonna say, Johnny.

You're a big talent,
you've got guts,

and it's only natural you should
want to cut away from here.

And I agree with you,
right down the line.

Now, this is a birthday party

and it's no good
without a present.

And I got a present
for you, Johnny.

For the biggest, the classiest,

the best talent in Chi,

I got the biggest, the best,

the classiest club in Chi.

Johnny, a couple
of weeks from now,

after a few renovations,

you open in the Mohawk.

What have you got
to say about that?

The Mohawk?

How did you ever get...?

Schlessinger's Mohawk?

Harrington's Mohawk.
I just bought it.

Now, what were you gonna say?

Wow.

(chuckles): Nothing, Jim.

Nothing, Jimmy, except thanks.

( melancholy theme playing)

(chatter)

( suspenseful theme playing)

(phone ringing)

Yes?

Mr. Ness, this is Benny.

You have something
for me, Benny?

Well, not much.

But where the
still is, I don't know.

But they reach it
through a sewer.

They go to work at
a mattress factory,

and from there they
reach it through a sewer.

Any idea where the
factory is, Benny?

No, but here is
something more, Mr. Ness.

Their cover for the
liquor is a soda-pop place.

That's where they ship it from.

Mattress factory,
sewer to the still,

then ship from a soda-pop place.

Yes. That's all I
know, Mr. Ness.

I-I hope it helps.

It'll help. Where
you calling from?

A telephone booth, downtown,

near Clark and McKenzie Street.

Stay there, I'm coming down.

I'll put you in
protective custody.

(scoffs): Oh, Mr. Ness,

you don't have
to worry about me.

I'll tell you something,

for the first time, the
scars have stopped hurting.

Now, stay there.
I'm coming down.

( ominous theme playing)

(doorbell ringing)

Benny, will you get
the phone? I'm asleep.

Benny!

Oh, what a night. What a night.

Hello? Hello?

Well, if it isn't the
Prohibition agent again.

Okay, I guess with this
amount of booze in me,

the government wants to
padlock me. Okay, I give up.

Benny's dead, Paycheck.

You're crazy. He's
asleep on the couch there.

Isn't he?

He's in the morgue.

A car glued him
against an alley wall.

Dead?

It's on the books
as an accident.

We both know it wasn't,
don't we, Paycheck?

We both know you killed him.

Why, you... Don't
you ever say...

That was the deal you made,

Benny's life for
your next step up.

Don't you say that.

Don't you ever say
that. Benny was drinking.

He... He must have
walked into a car.

Benny loved you like a son.

He died trying to shake
you loose from Harrington.

No, Ness, if anybody
killed him, it was you,

filling his head
with those ideas.

Oh, me? All I
wanna do is perform.

Like a toy monkey on a string.

You're on the inside.
Where's Harrington's still?

No, you see, Benny
was... Where's that still?

No, you see, you...

You ain't gonna lay
anything like that on me.

It was an accident, an accident.

It was an accident, an accident.

Don't you see? It
had to be an accident.

It had to be an accident.

You can keep
saying that, Paycheck,

but you'll never believe it.

As long as you live,
you'll never believe it.

( dramatic theme playing)

( suspenseful theme playing)

Working on the clues
given them by Benny Hoff,

the Untouchables began
to close in on the target.

They listed every
mattress factory in the city

and located one,

just one, that was
near a bottling plant.

Somewhere between the two
was Harrington's secret still.

Benny Hoff gave us
two sides of the triangle,

the mattress factory
and the soda-pop place.

The only section in the
city where two such places

are in proximity
are here and here.

That narrows it
down to this area.

(sighs): Why can't we find it?

There'd have to be fumes,
but we didn't smell any.

Then Harrington's got
some way of dispersing them.

Down into the sewers
maybe. I don't know.

Down, up or sideways, they
gotta come out someplace.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute,
look for a chimney.

Eliot, I don't see what that...

A chimney high enough
to disperse the fumes

for a couple of miles.

Look for a chimney in this area.

Oh, I... I think there's
a chimney in this...

Right here, an
abandoned city power plant.

But it's two blocks
outside the area.

That's near enough.

All right, let's get to work.

( suspenseful theme playing)

NARRATOR: The time was
2:20 a.m., September 23rd, 1933.

The Untouchables
started to close in.

Now talk. Talk!

(jazz music playing)

Funny boy isn't here yet.

I want him. Go get him.

Dead or alive?

Just get him.

Benny?

Are you here, Benny?

You're late for school, Johnny.

Not late. I flunked out.

Do you want me to
tell that to Big Jim?

Tell him anything you like.

Nobody owns Johnny Paycheck.

Body and soul.

What?

Nothing.

Say it.

Ah, it'll only hurt
your feelings.

Sit down.

We're gonna have
a truth session.

It's something Benny...

remembered from the old country.

Drink it.

Okay.

Where's the floorshow?

Me and you.

You're all I got

now that Benny's gone.

Benny... (sighs)

He ain't here.

And do you know what
the Prohibition agent

said to me?

He said that I sold Benny

to get to the top.

Would I do that, honey?

Hit me. I ain't scared.

(scoffs)

Thattagirl.

You see, I know there
are some things about me

that ain't perfect,

and I wanna hear about 'em.

Come on.

Will you hit me?!

Here's to you,
Johnny, and your guts.

Every time I'm with you,

every time you kiss
me or lay a hand on me,

I wanna throw up.

You want more?

You know what it was about
you, Johnny, that got me?

It wasn't your funny
jokes or your good looks.

I took my things out
of Big Jim's apartment

and became yours
because he gave the word.

"Keep Johnny happy, so
he'll keep Big Jim happy."

Are you happy now, baby?

You still want more?

Make me bleed. I gotta bleed.

You had me fooled
for a little while.

Maybe he'll be the one who...

Who'll take me away,
take me out of here.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

But you're just
another boy for hire.

Big Jim's boy, that's all.

(scoffs)

You'll never see New
York in a million years.

You'll lick Big Jim's boots
as long as he'll let you.

A lie. Do you think
that birthday party

was for you, you sad dope?

It was a cover for
Schlessinger's murder,

an alibi for Loxie.

Hired boy.

Big Jim's hired boy.

Well, where you gonna run now?

New York, that's where.

I'm going to New York.

(sniffles)

And when I get there, I'm
going to drop you a card.

A... And on that
card, it's gonna say,

"I'm glad you ain't here!"

You'll never make it, lover.

You'll never make it.

( melancholy theme playing)

JOHNNY: One way to
New York. Sleeper. Anything.

MAN (on PA): Train
now leaving on track five

for Philadelphia,
Wilmington, Baltimore,

Washington, Richmond.

All aboard.

( dramatic theme playing)

You seeing somebody off?

You shouldn't do
it on Big Jim's time.

He wants you to do
the big show tonight.

MAN (on PA): Train
now leaving immediately.

Philadelphia, Wilmington,

Baltimore, Washington. Board.

JIM: All right, Johnny,

start the show and be funny.

Go on, sunshine.

JIM: Come on, funny man.

Make me laugh.

(sighs)

I-I, uh...

(slurring) I've
always envied comics

who, uh...

Who can come
out on the floor, uh,

and say, uh,

"Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

"On my way here tonight,

something very funny happened."

But th... That ain't
never happened to me.

Louder.

Funnier.

I... I remember

the many times I...

I think of those
days of my youth,

heh, those won...
Wonderful days.

We were very poor,
but I was very happy.

Uh...

And all my troubles began

on the morning I was born.

No one was home except Benny.

I have known Benny
since I was a... A kid.

You all know Benny.

I could never leave
him, because Benny,

he owns this joint.

You know Benny.

(sobs): You know Benny.

He's a singer.

He's better at
singing, isn't he?

I told you his act stinks.

(sniffling)

Funny boy doesn't
make me laugh anymore.

I'm tired of him.

You wanna take him over, Loxie?

Oh, that's what
I've been waiting for.

( suspenseful theme playing)

NESS: Up.

Mind if we crash your
private show, Harrington?

Not at all, Mr. Ness.

But, uh, you're up
pretty late, aren't you?

We had a little
business to transact

involving a mattress factory,

a bottling works and
an old power plant.

You feds sure branch out

with your private
business interests.

What'll Uncle Sam say
when he finds out about it?

He won't mind.

Because we're arresting
you for operating a still

and manufacturing whiskey.

You gotta be kidding, Ness.

Everybody knows I
make it in my own bathtub.

We have a slightly
shopworn torpedo

and a half-dozen
distillery workmen

that tell us a different
story, Harrington.

Not to mention a city official

who's dictating a
statement right now.

No, Jim.

I didn't have the guts to stool,

I'm sorry to say.

Not him? Not funny man?

Benny Hoff.

Your boy here didn't
get to him quick enough.

( action theme playing)

Aaagh!

(grunting)

Not now, Paycheck.
It's a little late.

A little late.

Let's go.

( somber theme playing)

(sniffles)

( dramatic theme playing)

( suspenseful theme playing)

ANNOUNCER: The Untouchables.