The Unremarkable Juanquini (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - A New Family - full transcript

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES

Mr. Juanquini, I want to introduce you
to Brigitte, my wife, the boss.

Say hello, darling. Say hello!

She's the one that calls all the shots
inside the house.

There's the kid.

The kid... Oswaldito.

He's my son, he...

He turned out just like his father.

This is Quiroz, our lawyer.
He's a family friend.

Now you know me.

And that's Aunt Yurani.



We only call her "aunt" out of love,
because she's not really our aunt.

She's like a sister to my wife.

You'll get along great,
you're almost colleagues, she's a witch!

- Mentalist.
- Same thing!

Same thing.

Mr. Juanquini will be staying here,
we'll make him feel like he's family.

Like he's Grandpa. God bless his soul.

So, please. Now we can eat.

No, no, no! One moment. One moment. No.

Given that the mister here
made a decision without asking,

I'll leave him alone
so he can take care of his grandpa,

and so he can answer that call.
It's probably some idiot calling!

Come on, Brigitte. Brigitte! Come here!

- Yurani! Stay. Wait...
- Oswaldito.



...Oswaldito!

No matter what those women say,

no matter what they do,
I've got your back.

- Go on, eat. That's it.
- Thank you.

- Enjoy.
- Enjoy.

So?

- How's it going?
- Fine. A lot better.

That's good.

That's good, but... it would be better...

if you'd let me ask you out someday.

We could do anything, have a drink,
get rid of the stress.

Today?

You can ask me out.

So?

I'm sorry, ma'am,
I didn't hear you come in.

Do you know how to read cards?

- Read cards, I don't...
- Can you read my cigarette?

- No, no...
- Do you know how to read anything?

- No.
- No? Are you that useless?

No, no, no. Books. I read books.

Yurani has been failing me
with her predictions lately.

And I'm completely sure

Heriberto is cheating on me
with some disgusting skank.

She calls him and he goes crazy.

As you may have noticed,

I don't like entertaining
my husband's friends in my house.

So, you have two options, Mr. Morales.

You can have a nice stay
while you live with us,

or it can be a living nightmare.

Both options are up to me.

I just want to go back home
to my family as soon as possible.

Until that happens, I want you to use...

your magician abilities
to do a simple job.

I want you to find out
who's the dummy that's dating Heriberto,

and I want you to finish her,
to destroy her,

to end her, to leave her in pieces.

Pieces small enough
to pick up with a spoon.

And I want her to be bald!

Don't tell me you can't do it.

Because if you were able
to make my husband disappear

while the entire police department
was looking for him,

you can do this one simple thing.

Think about it. Analyze it.

But remember you're in my house,
and it's better to be on my side...

than Heriberto's.

Is it her or not?

She's pissed off, she's driving me crazy
with all these calls.

And, as a strategy to stop the calls,
how about you pick up?

No! What will I say? She's expecting me
to leave with her and abandon my wife.

That's what you promised her.

Yes, but I was drunk!

Well, now that you're sober,
pick up and calm her down.

- Because you're sober now, right?
- Yes, I'm sober.

That's what I get for sleeping around.

That woman has a lot of information
that we don't want spread around.

Hello!

Hello, honey. Where have you been?

Honey, I have to go to class, okay?

Almost, doll, almost!

- Are you ready?
- Yes, stop asking.

Three, two, one.

Lucho! What are you doing?
Put that away! What's wrong with you?

Are you proposing to me? Are you crazy?

We're still in school,
we haven't graduated,

and my family is going
through a hard time, Lucho!

That's exactly my point.

I want you to have everything you need,
to take care of you.

- What?
- Yes.

No, I can't let you do that.

And I have other priorities right now.

Priorities? Like talking to that dude
about the sponge gourds business.

- No, that's not it!
- That's not it?

I've seen you on the phone with him...

Lucho, I'm gonna tell you one thing.

You don't understand
this business, do you?

It's called marketing strategy.

- It's my way to get clients, get it?
- Yes.

Well, I don't like that strategy,
how about that?

Well, I think we should break up then.

- What? But...
- Yes.

Luchito, you're not ready
to deal with a successful woman like me,

with a businesswoman. But don't worry,
I wish you the best, okay?

When they write my memoirs,
I'll mention you as someone important.

- Móni...
- I'm going to class, Lucho. Put that away.

She broke up with me.

Life is shit

No, no, no!

It's vomit! Vomit with bile flow.

No, no, no! Guillermo!
Guillermo! No, no, no!

Can you tell these dudes
to do something else?

This ain't tropical.

- This needs to sound down, okay?
- Stop, stop.

Stop. It's mix number 83.

Well, we're doing 84 then!

Do you know how much a studio hour costs?

You're lucky this glass is between us,
you hear me?

I don't care! We either do this right
or we don't do it.

It needs to sound down!

Down, got it, okay, okay!
Give me all your down!

- Give me all your down, let's go!
- Okay.

That's it. Come on, let's do it.
Come on, play that keyboard.

You scared me!

Hello. Damn... Why did you do that?

If you're a magician,
then turn me into a frog!

You know what? No.

I wouldn't do such a disservice
to an animal species on this planet.

They're not to blame for the existence
of bratty kids such as yourself!

You can't do it! You're mediocre!

Your grandma is mediocre!

I should spank you so you'll learn
to respect your elders! You bratty kid!

- No, no! Help! Don't hit me!
- What? No.

- Don't hit me, no!
- No, no.

- No! Help, help!
- No, no, I'm sorry, no!

- Help! No! Don't hit me! No!
- No, no! Calm down! Calm down!

- No! Help, help! No! Help!
- No, no, no! Calm down! Everything's okay.

- Don't turn me into a frog! No, no, no!
- No, no, no!

- What's going on here?
- He wanted to turn me into a frog, Aunt!

And I told him I'd tell my dad,
so he was going to hit me.

No, no, no, that's not true.

- Lying is not right.
- Put the guns down, I'll handle it.

That kid is dangerous!
He's a menace to society.

He's going to kill someone someday,
I swear!

He hit my shin twice, two kicks.

I didn't do anything,
don't you believe me?

I don't like you being in this house.

I don't like being here, either,
believe me.

I earned my place in this family
with loyalty and my good service.

Congratulations. What do I have
to do with that?

I know clowns like you.

I'm a magician, not a clown.

Same thing. I can't trust a guy like you.

There's no room for a witch
and a magician in this house.

Then talk to your bosses.
Convince them to let me go.

I'll be watching you.

And if you try anything, I'll take action.

And believe me, there's no worse enemy
than an offended witch.

Believe me, a pissed off magician
is worse than an offended witch.

It's confirmed. You're a clown.

I dare you to confirm it, I dare you.

- You've been warned.
- I dare you.

Mr. Magician, I got you something
you won't believe!

Come on, let's go!

Let's go!

I got you some toys to die for,
you'll see, magician. To die for.

Come on.

What do you think? This all cost me a lot,

but they told me, with all of this,
you'd be the best of all magicians.

There are these awesome computers
over here.

You can access information about every
magician and all the magic in the world.

But let's be clear,
don't pull any dirty tricks.

The whole thing is rigged
so you can't contact the outside world.

And I have no idea what this shit is for,
but you can be a great magician with it.

All my hopes are in your hands. Okay?

Yes. Yes, mister. Yes, mister.

- Yes, mister what?
- Yes, Mr. Ñato.

Very good.

No, no, no.

Making this thing work is impossible.

There's no instruction manual,
it's too complicated!

Maybe by moving this thing here? See?

Mr. Quiroz, honestly,
I can't focus in these conditions.

I recommend you do.

I don't know
if you know Mr. Heriberto well,

but you've noticed
he's a rollercoaster of emotions, right?

He can get very impatient at times,
at other times, he's very nice.

If you don't show some results soon,
things can change.

For the worse, of course.

How am I supposed to focus?

I think about my family all the time,
are they okay? Aren't they?

- They're okay.
- They're okay? What do you mean?

How do you know?

I know everything. They're okay.
In fact, they're better than ever.

One moment. "Better than ever"?

Better than ever!

- So, Quiroz talked.
- Yes, but that doesn't matter.

Mr. Ñato, I need to know
if you really used your money

- and your influence to help my kids.
- Yes, yes, yes.

It was my way of thanking you
for what you did and will do for me.

- I don't know, I don't know.
- Magician, magician, focus.

Those kids needed a chance
and I'm giving it to them. Thank me.

- I need to talk to my wife...
- Again?

Yes, I need to make sure
they're really doing fine.

- Don't you believe me?
- Yes, I do.

Yes what?

- Yes, yes, Mr. Ñato.
- One minute.

You have one minute, man.

- Hello?
- Honey, it's me.

I'm so glad you called again!

I don't have a lot of time,
I can't talk much.

How are you, Juan?

Fine, everything's under control.
How are the kids?

They're fine. They're fine, Juan.

What do you mean by "fine," exactly?

Mónica started her sponge gourd business.

And Samuel is recording
the video for his new song right now.

Juan? Are you still there?

Tell them I love them and I miss them.
I'll call you soon.

- Besides, Margot...
- One minute! One minute!

Hello?

Look, Juanquini,
if you continue to behave,

your kids will be able to do anything.

For now, be a magician.

- What?
- Come on, make the horse disappear.

- Come on!
- Here?

I can't do it, you do it! Come on!

- Now?
- Do it!

This is the place where we come
to have fun, to have a good time,

to have a good night.

- Beer or spirits?
- Beer.

- Beer? Two beers, please.
- Yes.

And what is this for?
What are the numbers for?

This is three-cushion billiards.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Play hard! Play hard!

I hope

You have a great life

Great. Great.

I hope your pain goes away

Come on, with more energy!

I hope they tell you...

Come on, come on!

I don't exist anymore

And that you move on to greater things

I lost her, Mrs. Margot.

I lost her! All I wanted was to love her.

Luchito, Luchito.

- Luchito, darling, come on...
- No, Mrs. Margot,

I won't calm down. You know why?

Because she's playing with me.

- Where is she?
- She's not here.

- Come out, Mónica!
- She's not here.

She's not here? She's with that dude.

- But...
- The one she's doing business with.

- But you know what?
- Calm down, Luchito, calm down.

- Okay?
- No.

- Okay.
- You know what?

If I find him, I'll make that dude
eat the sponge gourds one by one.

Because I'm the one
who brought them into the house.

- Yes.
- For what he did to me,

that dude will pay with blood.

Mónica!

Here, have some.

- Mónica!
- She's not here.

- Where are those beers?
- I'll pay, Ernestico.

- What do you think?
- Great, everything seems great.

We need to keep our enemies close.
And if it comes with some pleasure,

I'll make that sacrifice. Why not?

- Why not, Captain?
- Why not?

- But is that woman serious?
- Very serious.

And what I like the most
is I have her where I want her.

You need to learn these things, you dork.
I won't be around forever.

- You're a master, Captain.
- Don't be a kiss-ass.

Yes, Captain.

- Mr. Ñato...
- Quiet!

I need to talk to you.

I can't, I'm leaving!
You'll wake my wife.

I don't want you
to help my family anymore.

You said you agreed.

Yes, but I thought about it, and,
with all due respect, that's dirty money.

All money is dirty, man.

My dad always said it,
go to any rich man and see what you find.

Thieves, crooks, bandits.

I don't care.
I want you away from my family.

If I leave anything to my kids,
I want it to be integrity and decency.

And you should do the same.

Aren't you too young
to be involved in this kind of business?

You have a young kid, is this the example
you want to give your young son?

It's the example my dad gave me.

It's a bad example!

Look, I don't care what you think!

Whether you like it or not,
I'm going to help your kids.

Men that don't repay their debts
don't have any honor!

You don't owe me anything.
It was an accident.

Enough, calm down, seriously. Calm down.

Sooner or later, you'll thank me
for what I'm doing for your kids.

Please be quiet, I have to go.
There's an offended woman waiting for me,

the longer I stay here, the worse it gets.
It'll cause me big trouble.

And, yes, I owe you.

Sayonara, gorgeous.

Yes, we closed the deal.

And I'm going to "close" you.

What do you want?

- If you want my cell phone...
- I don't want a cell phone!

We have something in common,
her name is Mónica.

Mónica? Pretty Mónica?

- She's pretty, isn't she?
- Yes.

But this is prettier.

Hello?

How are you, Mrs. Margot? Lucho speaking.

What's up? How are you feeling, Lucho?

Not so great, Mrs. Margot.
Can we talk? It's urgent.

It's about your kids.

Open the door and show your face,
you shameless man!

What do you think, Heriberto?
That I'm stupid?

That I wouldn't realize
you left last night?

Open the door and show your face,
you shameless man!

Open the door, or I'll knock it down
and drag you out by your hair!

Brigitte, please, calm down.

I'm not calming down, shut up.

The mister needs to tell me
who the fuck he screwed last night.

- The boy might find out!
- That's a great idea!

He should find out once and for all
what kind of father he has.

I'm so scared.

Look at me shake. I dare you.

I dare you. I have enough for all of you.

Heriberto! I'm talking to you! Open up!

- He escaped.
- What?

The magician. He was standing there,
he's not. He escaped.

Now he really did disappear.

Now you'll get it.

Subtitle translation by Ana Grasso