The Unicorn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Breaking Up Is Hard to Do - full transcript

His wife's funeral was almost
a year ago, and they're still

living off the meals
people made for them.

- Hey, Wade.
- Hey, Tracy.

This man has no idea

- what catnip he is to these women.
- (PHONE CHIMING)

DELIA: You are a devoted father.
You were a devoted husband.

You are a unicorn. You
know, that elusive creature

that all single women are looking for.

Are you guys saying that all
of these women are only into me

- 'cause my wife died?
- Yup.

You're factory fresh, buddy.



BEN: So nothing happened
with Tracy Wilvers?

She was so into you.

Yeah, she was a little too into me.

And you got to walk
before you can run, right?

(LAUGHS) What? No.

You ever see a race?

You're standing there,
and then you're running.

Be patient, honey.

You'll have your vicarious
sex life soon enough.

Aw, thank you so much, sweetie. Mwah.

Are we waiting on one more?

Uh, no, no,

'cause we're five. We're five...

Yeah, we're five. That's fine.



- Some people, right?
- Five.

Could you just bring
us some waters, please?

- Five waters.
- Five waters.

- I'd love five waters.
- (SOFTLY): One, two, three, four, five.

Guys, seriously,

you don't have to do this every time.

I know Jill's gone. It's
been over a year now.

- I can handle an empty chair.
- FORREST: Okay, sorry.

- Didn't mean to upset you.
- You didn't upset me.

Oh, the way you said it didn't upset you

- kind of made it feel like it did upset you.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm not upset.

So what, uh, what's good here?

I think I'm gonna get
the sea urchin flight.

- (PHONE VIBRATING)
- Oh, that's Grace. Excuse me.

Wow, he was so upset.

You saw it, too, right?
It wasn't just me.

It's been happening a lot lately.

"She's a little too into me."
What the hell does that even mean?

Forrest, we've moved on
from Tracy Wilvers, okay?

Got it. Yeah, he was mad.

Slow down, slow down. I
can't really... Excuse me.

I can't, I can't hear you.

Now what-what happened?

I was Snapping with my friends,

and I put my phone down for one minute,

and Natalie Snapped "I like poop"

to the entire group.

I didn't. I used the emoji.

It's the same.

And now all my friends
will think I like poop.

Uh, well, Grace, if your
friends don't like you

because you like poop,

then-then they're not
your-your-your real friends.

Wow. Thanks.

Whoo! I was full about a half hour ago.

Would you like to take this home?

Uh, yeah, sure.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Anybody else notice the server
throwing Wade some heat?

FORREST: No kidding.

"Would you like to take this home?"

WADE: I think she was talking about

the eight brussels sprouts and the rib.

- Oh, was she? Really though?
- Oh, was she?

If that's the case, then
why's she coming back for more?

Because she has the check.
Right there in her hand.

- I can see it.
- Convenient.

- Thank you.
- Okay, you know, what, Wade?

- We got this.
- Yeah.

- I-I can pay.
- No, no, we got it.

Guys, will you... Just
stop it, all right?

I'm not a charity case.
Yes, I am a widower,

but I am also a grown man with a wallet.

We're just trying to be nice.
No need to get angry.

I'm not angry, but, come on, guys.

I mean, I can handle
an empty chair, and, no,

I don't want to date the server.

Uh, you're fantastic,

and you're gonna make some
guy very happy, or-or a woman.

No judgment there.

Look, the point is

I'm not gonna take no
for an answer, okay?

I'm gonna pay this bill.
I just want to pay it.

Is that okay? Can I pay it?

Okay.

- You know what? You pay.
- Okay, great.

That's all I was asking for.

I wanted to pay, so I'm gonna pay.

- It's on Wade.
- Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

Thank you. It's on me.

- DELIA: Yeah.
- WADE: Um...

I-I left my wallet in my other pants.

- Then why don't we get it.
- You know, we got it.

- Yeah, we'll get this one.
- Okay, thank you. Thanks.

- We will tip a lot.
- Mm-hmm.

I'll get the next one.

(DOG BARKING)

- (DOOR OPENS)
- WADE: All right.

- There you go.
- Hey, Dad.

Are you good? I heard you freaked out

- at the restaurant last night.
- Where'd you hear that?

From Natalie, who heard it from Addie,

who overheard it from Delia and Forrest.

- At least nobody's talking about it.
- NATALIE: Hey, Dad.

Heard you had a giant
meltdown last night.

I didn't have a meltdown.

- What was up with you two?
- It wasn't me.

I was just chatting with
friends, and then Natalie

came over and started doing
stupid little kid stuff.

You're the stupid little kid.

Sweet comeback.

Very mature. (SCOFFS)

- Hey, whoa.
- Natalie! Do not throw food...

- No cereal in the face. Come on.
- (OVERLAPPING ARGUING)

- Hey, Grace! Come on!
- (DOG BARKING)

Hey, girls! Hey, hey, hey!

- Stop it! Eat!
- (PHONE VIBRATING)

(CHUCKLES) What's shaking, pal?

Hey, Forrest.

- FORREST: Hey.
- What's up with the video?

Can't you just call?

This is more fun.

Could you at least put
a... put a shirt on?

Then what's the point?

Anyway, listen, about
last night, are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT) Are you s-sure,

uh, you don't want to talk about it?

Yeah, I'm-I'm sure.

Okay, you're sure you're sure?

(SIGHS): Did... did
Delia put you up to this?

- What?!
- Hi, sweetie.

I'm sorry. I just thought

maybe you needed to talk to a friend.

He might have talked to you,
too, if you had a shirt on!

FORREST: Do my nipples
look asymmetrical to you?

DELIA: For the 20th time, yes.

I just don't know why he won't
let us help him, you know?

No, but I'm worried that
he's starting to develop

- th-this real anger issue.
- Yeah.

I mean, he can't avoid things

just 'cause he doesn't
want to deal with them.

- I know.
- Duck!

- What?
- Just duck!

- What? What are we doing?
- Duck, duck.

Did you just see Caroline Schultz?

- I don't know Caroline Schultz.
- Okay.

Her husband, Phil, died.

From Addie's music class

- when she was in preschool.
- No.

Phil! Short. Wore vests all the time.

You can keep describing
him. I did not know the man.

Whatever. I just don't have
time to get in a big, long thing

- with her today, you know?
- O-Okay, yes.

- Delia? (CHUCKLES)
- Huh? Oh. Oh!

Caroline! Oh, my God, hi.

Wow! What a surprise. (LAUGHS)

Anyway, these are the rims that I want.

- On it.
- They're nice.

So, you remember Forrest.

- Oh.
- Hey, so sorry to hear about Phil.

Thank you. I mean,
it was four years ago.

- But still in our hearts. Yeah.
- Oh.

Well, you look great.
Uh, you having a party?

- I hope.
- Uh, no.

Actually, I host a support group

to help people cope
with life after loss.

Oh, that's so, so great.

I've been thinking a
lot about you lately.

- Okay, Forrest, stop talking.
- Okay.

This group, has it helped?

Oh, yes. I mean, it's really
put my head on straight

to be around people who
understand what it's like

to lose a partner.

When's your next meeting?

Not for me. He's fine.

Why do I have to be the one to tell him

to go to the stupid group?

Well, I don't want to be the one

to tell him to go to the stupid group.

Can we stop calling
it "the stupid group"?

This could really help him.

Then you tell him.

I can't tell him

because he thinks I'm
always hounding him.

- MICHELLE: Because you are.
- DELIA: Well, you are, too.

- So it can't be me, either.
- I say we vote. Ben.

- Ben!
- Ben.

You ain't got no hands, honey.

- (SIGHS)
- Yeah.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Bring it in, girls. That's game.

Olivia's mom brought, like,
200 doughnuts, so enjoy.

You realize there's
only 14 girls, right?

(WHOOPS) Good game, girls!

Girl, we lost by nine.

That's a lot in soccer, isn't it?

Hey, that was nice playing, Nat.

Come on, Dad. I'm not
a stupid little kid.

I know I sucked.

- Hey, hey, hey. What's going on with you?
- Nothing!

- (WHISPERS): Ben.
- Ben. Ben.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

What up, Wade?

Hey, so there's this group
of people whose spouses died,

like yours. You should go if you want.

FORREST: Oh, come on, man.

I can't believe I wasted a vote on you.

That's not what we want at all.

That was awful.

Wade, we bumped into my friend Caroline.

Phil's widow?

I-I swear to God, I don't
know either of these people.

Okay, anyway, she's got

this really, really fun support group.

It's, like, spouses who
have lost their partners,

and they all get together
and share in their grief.

But, like, fun.

- "Fun"?
- FORREST: Fun.

- DELIA: Yeah.
- Look, we're just throwing it out there, okay?

No pressure.

Yeah, I-I don't think
that's really for me.

- You have to go.
- DELIA: These people have been through

what you've been through,

and they could help you
with this anger problem.

(CHUCKLES): Well, I-I
don't have an anger problem,

- and I really don't want to go to this group.
- DELIA: Fair enough.

You don't want to go to the
group? Don't go to the group.

Okay? But I did get the
names of three therapists,

and I printed out their Yelp reviews,

so if you just want to take a look

and tell me which one
you want to go with...

You're not gonna let this go, are you?

Okay, fine.

Fine, I'll go to the stupid group.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Great.
- All right.

- Good.
- Going to the stupid group.

Wow, nice work. You
were really prepared.

(CHUCKLES): Oh, are you kidding?

- These are takeout menus.
- (GASPS)

I'm so terrified of you right now.

Yeah.

It's hot.

Um, hey. Uh, hey, Caroline.

- CAROLINE: Oh, Wade.
- Hey.

Oh, I'm so glad you got in
touch. Grab a glass of wine.

- Rosé or pinot?
- Uh... Oh, uh, pinot.

Okay.

WADE: Um...

A-Are there... are there
any-any men coming?

No, you're it.

(CHUCKLES): Oh. Really?

Yeah. It's just math.

Women outlive their husbands.

CAROLINE: And the men
that outlive their wives

get snatched up really quick.

- Ah.
- CYNTHIA: But don't worry.

- This is a safe space.
- CAROLINE: Mm.

No one's gonna hit on you. Emma.

(MOUTHS)

CAROLINE: All right, ladies,

say hello to Wade.

WOMEN: Hi, Wade.

Hi.

CAROLINE: Once I gave myself permission

to be happy and enjoy life,

it allowed me to stop
looking at every date

like this high stakes thing.

Yes, girl. I hear you.

The hard part is I have got to stop

comparing other men to Phil.

I mean, no one else that I've
been with can, you know...

- measure up to him.
- Mm.

- Uh, Phil was a-a great guy.
- Yeah.

Um, I-I really loved his vests.

CAROLINE: Yeah, I meant no one could

measure... up.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Uh, really?

- Oh.
- Yeah, good for Phil.

Well, you know, it was
pretty darn good for me, too.

(WOMEN LAUGH)

And no one enjoys that more than me,

but if I forget what you look like,

- you've been down there too long.
- (WOMEN LAUGH)

I mean, what do I do?

Give them a laminated map
of my pleasure centers?

(CHUCKLES)

You know the dolphin pose in yoga?

Imagine that he's doing
that, and you're kind of...

in a ball.

- (WOMEN GASPING, EXCLAIMING)
- EMMA: I got to try that.

(DOGS BARKING)

Natalie! Ew!

What is that?!

- Can't you just leave me alone?
- Natalie.

What's gotten into you?

- Is my burger ready yet?
- (SIGHS)

Uh, n-no. No, not yet.

They look too rare.

Uh, yeah, that-that's because
they're-they're not ready yet.

So, how was group?

Uh, if-if I'm being honest,

- uh, it wasn't really for me.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh. Okay. Well, that's okay.

You tried. That's all I could ask.

Yeah. Um, I'm gonna go get the buns.

- Okay.
- Okay. Okay, Noah,

can you watch these burgers for me?

- Okay, you're up. Go! Go, go!
- (FORREST GRUNTS)

So, uh, this widows group thing, huh?

Good, great, perfect, what?

Weird. It was all women but me.

And all they did was talk about sex.

I mean, I'm not a prude or
anything, but it was a lot.

- Like what?
- Yeah, like what specifically?

What's happening?

- So, the boys went in.
- Mm-hmm.

They're having a little chitchat.

And yoga. There's this position or pose

called the dolphin.

I'm listening. Go on.

MICHELLE: Look at that. It looks like

- Wade is actually opening up.
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Or they're
just being jackasses.

(SIGHS)

(GRUNTING)

Like he's chattering.

(IMITATES DOLPHIN CHATTERING)

FORREST: Question:

Wouldn't the elbows get in the way?

I think that's the point.

(CHUCKLES)

I get it.

It's so simple. It's so obvious.

BEN: Huh.

(LAUGHS)

Okay. So, could you just answer me this?

When you were with the
group, did you at least

bring up your anger issues?

I don't have an anger issue.

And even if I did,

couldn't really get a lot of words in.

Which one is my burger?

I haven't really assigned the burgers.

I have a favorite. Should I tell you?

- Um...
- Okay, but if you don't open up,

then you've completely missed the point.

Oh, they were open enough for all of us.

Yes, but if you didn't talk,
then that's the problem.

No, the problem is that
you won't leave me alone.

Well, we're kind of worried
about you, because you seem angry.

Well, the only reason that I seem angry

is because you keep
telling me that I'm angry!

But I'm not angry!

And-and I know that
I'm-I'm yelling right now,

but, um, I'm not angry. I'm just...

I'm being emphatic.

It's okay. You...

You-you don't need the group.

I'm-I'm so sorry that I bothered you.

Delia. Delia, come...

My favorite one got burnt.

I don't want one with burnt.

WADE: Okay, lunch

is in your backpack.

Do not forget your homework today.

And what did I say about
video games in the morning?

That was for every morning?

(SIGHS) There's been a
change of plans for tonight.

I kind of snapped at Delia yesterday,

so I feel like I owe it to her

to give that group
of hers one more shot.

So it's just me and Grace tonight?

No. I know you're not
getting along with her,

so I spoke to Delia,

and she said that you can come
over and hang out with Addie.

Whatever.

Oh, Natalie, come on.

Will you just talk to me?

(SIGHS)

Linda, you're a girl.

Will you please go talk to her?

(WHIMPERS)

What you tried last night...

(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

... don't you ever try that again.

It's a thing now!

And how would you know that?

I don't!

Where... did you learn that
thing you did last night?

(CHUCKLES)

(QUIETLY): I invented it.

(ESPRESSO MACHINE GURGLING, HISSING)

Thank you for having me back.

I-I know I didn't talk a
lot the last time I was here,

but, uh, the truth is

I only came because my friend said

that I had anger issues.

And I was hoping that this might help.

Help you do... what?

Get rid of my anger.

Why would you want to
get rid of your anger?

You should be angry.

CAROLINE: Wade, your wife died.

I mean, doesn't that piss you off?

Well, I-I wouldn't say piss me off.

Come on. When you're
walking down the street

and you see a happy couple

holding hands, all smiles,

you resent that.

You're a good person.

Why do they get to be
happy and your wife is gone?

Well, I'm not saying that
that's never crossed my mind,

but those people deserve to be happy.

- (GROANS)
- CYNTHIA: And so do you!

- So do all of us.
- CAROLINE: Mm.

What happened to us sucks.

The universe is unfair.

And married people insist on
trying to make us feel better,

like they understand
what we're going through.

- And they can't.
- Nope.

- Mm-mm.
- You know what?

I am so tired of people saying,

"I know how you feel."

- No, you don't.
- (WOMEN AGREEING)

No, you don't!

You don't know how I feel!

I know how you feel!

- Yes, you do. They don't.
- Exactly.

They go home to their
spouses every night.

Screw happy people!

- Screw them!
- Yes! Screw 'em!

- You know what?
- Screw 'em.

Screw happy people.

- CAROLINE: That's right! Screw 'em.
- (WOMEN AGREEING)

Caroline, can I get some more
of this delightful Oregon pinot?

Oh, Wade, listen, I
don't know about you,

but when I'm pissed
off, I don't drink wine.

I head straight for the bourbon.

EMMA: Oh. (LAUGHS)

Caroline, I know exactly how you feel.

- (WOMEN WHOOPING)
- EMMA: Bourbon!

WOMEN (CHANTING): Bourbon! Bourbon!

Bourbon! Bourbon!

Dad? Are you awake?

Hello?

Are you okay?

Uh, just give me just-just
a few more minutes.

We're gonna be late for my game.

No, we're not. No, we're not.

(GRUNTING)

- Dad!
- (GRUNTS) We're good!

We're good! We're gonna make it!

We're gonna make it.
We're gonna make it.

We're gonna make it. We're
gonna make it. Come on!

We're gonna make it.
We're gonna make it.

Piece of cake. Piece of cake.

(GROANS)

- Crap.
- Where is your truck, Dad?

I think I Uber'd home.

Dad! I can't believe you!
We're gonna miss my game!

Uh, no, you're not. No, you're not.

I'm gonna get an Uber to the field.

All good, all good.

See? Look, uh, there's one
that's only ten minutes away.

And it's an Uber Black,
which means it costs $60.

But that's okay. That's all right.

We're gonna ride in style.

- The game is about to start!
- The car is coming. It's...

Well, now it says that
it's 12 minutes away.

But it's coming. It's coming.

It just looks like it's
going in the wrong direction.

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

- It's spinning. It's spinning.
- (GROANS LOUDLY)

(EXCITED CHATTER)

- Uh...
- You got this, honey!

Thank you. Shoot, what is it?

- Uh, offsides!
- (GIRLS GROANING)

- GIRL: No!
- Offsides.

No? Never mind. On the side!

Sorry about that. Never mind.

Hey, hey. Wh-What is offsides?

Come on, Forrest! You never paid
attention at any of our games?

Clearly, I have not.

- Work that side of the field.
- (HORN HONKING)

- This one? This is my side?
- That half.

Wait. Oh, Wade's here! (SIGHS)

In style.

Natalie, sub in for Olivia.

- Which Olivia?
- Any Olivia.

- Grab one.
- Hey, buddy,

uh, you think you can finish
the game just this once?

- Yeah. Sure. No problem. One thing.
- Okay. Okay.

- Yeah.
- What are the rules of soccer?

Never mind.

- I got it. I got it, I got it.
- Okay. Wade's got it.

- I got this. I got it, I got...
- Come on, girls.

- Run it.
- I got it.

Uh, blue ball!

It's out! Out.

Okay.

- BEN: Run the break. Go, go.
- Ha.

Push it.

Okay, yes. I'm good, I'm good.

Red ball!

Or orange.

Whatever your color is.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

- (GROANING)
- (CROWD CHEERING)

Yes! You won!

All right. Good game, girls. Good game.

Apparently, Lauren's mama
brought a fro-yo truck!

Nothing wrong with
orange slices, people!

Hey.

Guys, give me a nonjudgmental lift home?

I don't think that's happening.

DELIA: Wade, (SIGHS) I thought
you were going to the meeting,

and, instead, you went
out and you got plastered.

Not instead. In addition to.

I don't understand.

No, you don't.

And that's the point.

I sincerely hope that you
guys will never understand.

(SIGHS)

Look, when Jill died,
I lost my best friend.

And we were supposed to have
our whole lives together.

But we're not. And that's not fair.

And-and it's never gonna be fair.

But what I learned in that group was

I don't have an anger problem.

My problem was

I was ashamed of my anger.

But you know what? I-I need my anger.

It's what makes me human.

So, here it is.

All of you happily married people

all over the entire world,
you can kiss my widowed ass!

Oh, my God! That felt so good!

Ha! That felt so good!

- It did?
- Yes, I...

I think I needed to get that out.

You know I love you guys, right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, we're good, right?

No hard feelings,
right? Yeah, I love you!

No, we love you.

- Okay! All right! All right!
- Yeah.

(WHOOPS) Fro-yos! Come on!

Come on. Come on. Beep.
Just give me a beep.

Give me one, give me one beep. Um...

(GROANS) Hey, girls, um, listen,

I know I'm not the only one
that fate dealt a crappy hand to.

You guys got that, too.

So, if you're feeling mad,
I want you to let it out.

I mean, I'm feeling pretty mad

that you forgot where
you parked your truck.

Come on. I'm serious.

If you're feeling mad, just let it out.

Trust me. You'll-you'll feel better.

I mean, I guess, when I see
my friends with their moms,

I feel kind of ripped off.

How do you think I feel?

After Mom died, the three of
us did everything together.

But now, Dad, you're
off doing your own stuff

or at one of your stupid groups.

And, all of a sudden,
you care what boys think

and spend all of your
time online with them.

What am I supposed to do?

Everything's just
messed up, and I hate it!

Hey, hey, hey. Is that
what's been going on with you?

Natalie,

you know I'm always gonna
make time to spend with you,

no matter how annoying you get.

Idiot.

Shut up.

And you're never gonna lose me.

In a couple years,
you're gonna want to try.

But that is never gonna happen.

Does feel pretty good to let
it out though, doesn't it?

It does.

Yeah. Come here. ome here.

- Oh, hey, look.
- Mm.

- It's your truck.
- Oh.

Whoa, that's a long way.

- It's, like, 30 feet, Dad.
- Yeah. I... Let's Uber.

- Less than 30 feet. No.
- (GROANS) Let's sell it.

This time, I am definitely paying.

Well, whatever keeps you
from hulking out on us again,

I'm good.

DELIA: Wade is not going
to hulk out anymore,

because he's happier

and he's more self-aware now.

And... go ahead.

Because of me. I did it.

WADE: Yes, you did.
Forrest, thank you so much

for filling in for me
at soccer the other day.

I know that wasn't your idea of fun.

Water under the bridge.
You're paying though.

- Right?
- Uh, yeah, I'm paying.

I'm gonna get the seafood tower

- and the steak and the other steak.
- Ooh.

- Whoa. That's, uh... Okay, sure.
- (CHUCKLES)

Don't look now.

She's coming back for seconds.

She works here, Ben.

Oh, just five tonight, right?

Uh, no, there are six.

And here comes my date right now.

I've decided I'm getting lobster.

Oh, you should get two. They're small.

You could just get one.
They're also expensive.

Do we want a bottle of wine?

- We want two?
- One bottle. No, one bottle.

- What's your most expensive thing?
- What-Whatever you want.

(CHATTER CONTINUES)