The Twilight Zone (1959–1964): Season 5, Episode 8 - Uncle Simon - full transcript

( theme music playing)

YOU UNLOCK THIS DOOR
WITH THE KEY OF IMAGINATION.

BEYOND IT IS
ANOTHER DIMENSION...

A DIMENSION OF SOUND,
A DIMENSION OF SIGHT,

A DIMENSION OF MIND.

YOU'RE MOVING INTO A LAND OF
BOTH SHADOW AND SUBSTANCE,

OF THINGS AND IDEAS.

YOU'VE JUST CROSSED
OVER INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

UNCLE SIMON?

UNCLE SIMON, DO YOU WANT
YOUR HOT CHOCOLATE UPSTAIRS?

UNCLE SIMON, DO YOU HEAR ME?



DO YOU WANT YOUR HOT
CHOCOLATE UPSTAIRS?

UNCLE SIMON?!

GARBAGE-HEAD!

I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

THERE'S NO NEED TO YELL.

WELL, MY WILTING BLOSSOM,
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

YOUR HOT CHOCOLATE IS READY.

YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE
GOING TO TAKE A NAP.

SOMETIME TRY EXTENDING
YOURSELF, UNCLE,

JUST SUFFICIENTLY TO LET ME
KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON OCCASION.

WELL, BARBARA, I THINK I CAN
NARROW THAT DOWN FOR YOU.

IF I'M NOT UPSTAIRS IN MY
BEDROOM OR IN THE STUDY,

THEN I'M DOWNSTAIRS
IN MY LABORATORY.

WHEREVER I AM, YOU CAN
BRING THE HOT CHOCOLATE.



AND IF I'M NOT...

I'VE DROPPED DEAD EN ROUTE,

AND YOU CAN BRING ME A BOTTLE
OF FORMALDEHYDE AND A ROSE.

YOU'RE SUCH A HUMORIST, UNCLE.

YOU SHOULD HAVE
GONE INTO BURLESQUE.

WELL, I GUESS I'D HAVE BEEN MORE
COMFORTABLE THERE THAN YOU.

YOU EVER DANCE, BARBARA?

I'M VERY BUSY, UNCLE SIMON.

YOU EVER CUT LOOSE

AND DANCE A FAST CHARLESTON?

NO, MOST UNLIKELY,
MOST UNLIKELY.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONLY
WOMAN I KNOW WHO LOOKS

AS IF UNDERNEATH HER
CLOTHES, SHE WORE CLOTHES.

YOU HAVE ALL THE
GRACE AND FEMININITY

OF A HIGH-BUTTON SHOE.

AND YOU, UNCLE SIMON... GO ON.

LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN
COMPENSATE FOR THE FACT

THAT YOU'RE A
PASSIONLESS VEGETABLE

BY SPEAKING YOUR MIND.

IF I'M A PASSIONLESS VEGETABLE,

IT'S BECAUSE MY GARDENER
IS AN ANCIENT RELIC

MADE OUT OF DRY
SKIN AND ICE WATER.

( chuckling): NOT BAD,
NOT BAD, NOT BAD.

YOU KNOW, IF I PROD
YOU HARD ENOUGH,

YOU CAN SCRAMBLE
UP TO THE OCCASION,

OR AT LEAST PART WAY.

WELL, MY ANGULAR TURNIP,
WHAT ELSE IS NEW WITH YOU?

YOU SAY YOU MADE SOME
HOT CHOCOLATE TODAY, HMM?

ANY OTHER SOUL-
STIRRING PROJECTS

YOU APPLIED YOURSELF TO?

I SEE YOU TRIED TO OPEN THE
DRAPES IN THE BEDROOM AND HALL.

I SEE THAT YOU CLOSED THEM.

YOU ASKED ME WHAT
I HAD DONE TODAY,

AND I'M TELLING YOU.

I CLEANED UP AFTER YOU.

I TRIED TO CLEAR AWAY
SOME OF THE DEBRIS

YOU ALWAYS LEAVE BEHIND.

AND WHAT IS THIS
CONTRAPTION, HMM?

A ROOM-STRAIGHTENER, PERHAPS?

TELL ME, UNCLE SCIENTIST,
WHERE DOES THIS BELONG?

PUT IT BACK WHERE IT WAS.

YOU'VE BEEN TOLD

A THOUSAND TIMES
NOT TO DISTURB THINGS.

I COULD HAVE PUT IT AWAY
WHEN I SWEPT OUT THE CELLAR,

BUT AS USUAL, YOUR LABORATORY
DOOR WAS SECURELY BOLTED.

I WOULD LIKE TO FIND OUT

WHAT YOU PUTTER
AROUND WITH DOWN THERE.

( chuckling): YEAH, I'LL BET YOU
WOULD, AND SOMEDAY YOU SHALL.

SOMEDAY, YOU WILL BE
OWNER OF THIS DECAYING BARN,

AND THEN YOU CAN
DO AS YOU PLEASE.

UNTIL THEN, KEEP YOUR
SPINDLE-SHANKED CARCASS

OUT OF MY LABORATORY,

AND YOUR PROBING
NOSE OUT OF MY BUSINESS.

NOW, GO AND GET ME
SOME HOT CHOCOLATE,

AND USE THE ENGLISH
BONE CHINA CUP.

IF IT'S NOT HOT ENOUGH,
I'LL THROW IT ON THE FLOOR.

BARBARA... QUESTION.

GO ON.

WHY DO YOU STAY HERE?

I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION
THAT I WAS NEEDED.

YOU ARE.

THAT EXPLAINS WHY
I KEEP YOU HERE,

BUT IT DOESN'T EVEN REMOTELY
SUGGEST WHY YOU STAY.

YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO BE
QUITE HONEST, I PRESUME?

INDEED. YOU MAY
BE SHORT ON BEAUTY,

BUT A LACK OF CANDOR

HAS NEVER BEEN ONE
OF YOUR DEFICIENCIES.

I STAY...

I LIVE FOR THE MOMENT
WHEN I CAN SEE YOU BURIED.

WHEN I COME BACK
FROM YOUR FUNERAL,

I'M GOING TO OPEN
A BOTTLE OF WINE.

I WANT TO BE
COMPENSATED, UNCLE SIMON,

FOR 25 YEARS OF
BEING SHRIEKED AT,

INSULTED, BERATED, HUMILIATED

AND STEPPED ON LIKE AN OLD RUG.

IS THAT SUFFICIENTLY
HONEST FOR YOU?

( chuckling)

WELL, I WISH YOU WELL, MY
GOOD AND FAITHFUL BARBARA.

BUT UNASKED, I OFFER
YOU THIS OBSERVATION:

IF YOU HAD AN OUNCE OF
GRISTLE OR AN INCH OF INTESTINES,

YOU'D HAVE MURDERED
ME YEARS AGO.

AND AS FOR YOUR 25
YEARS OF ABJECT MISERY

AND UNSPEAKABLE
INDIGNATION, YOU DESERVE IT, KID.

NOW GO AND GET
ME SOME CHOCOLATE.

( chuckling)

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
MR. SIMON POLK,

WHO HAS LIVED OUT HIS
LIFE IN A GLEEFUL RAGE.

AND THE YOUNG LADY WHO'S
BEAT THE HASTY RETREAT

IS MR. POLK'S NIECE, BARBARA.

SHE HAS LIVED HER LIFE AS IF
DURING EACH ENSUING HOUR,

SHE HAD A DENTIST'S APPOINTMENT.

THERE'S A THIRD
MEMBER SOON TO BE SEEN.

HE NOW RESIDES
IN THE LABORATORY,

AND HE IS THE KIND OF CHARACTER

TO BE FOUND ONLY
IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

WELL... WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

I WAS LOOKING FOR...
LOOKING FOR WHAT?

I... THOUGHT PERHAPS
YOU MIGHT SHOW ME

WHAT YOU WERE BUILDING.

INDEED. YOU'D LIKE TO
KNOW, WOULDN'T YOU?

THAT'S THE ONLY CHARACTER TRAIT

YOU SHARE WITH NORMAL
WOMEN: CURIOSITY.

INEFFABLE CURIOSITY.

WELL, ONE DAY, YOU'LL
KNOW WHAT I'M BUILDING,

BUT UNTIL THEN,

YOU NIGHT-CRAWLING
IMITATION OF THE FEMALE GENDER,

IF I CATCH YOU SNEAKING
AROUND OUTSIDE MY DOOR,

I'LL BREAK YOUR HEAD.

NOW, GO ON UPSTAIRS
AND ENGAGE YOURSELF

IN A NERVE-WRACKING
GAME OF DOMINOS.

TELL ME, UNCLE SIMON...

WHY DO BEASTS LIKE
YOU STAY ALIVE SO LONG?

WHAT'S THAT AGAIN?

YOU HEARD ME.

WHY DO DECENT MEN DIE,

AND ANIMALS LIKE
YOURSELF KEEP LIVING ON?

BECAUSE, IN MOST
CASES, MINE IN PARTICULAR,

WE HAVE SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR.

I HAVE YOU

TO LIVE FOR, YOU
CROOKED-SEAMED GRUBBER.

THAT'S WHY I KEEP THIS
DECREPIT OLD HEART BEATING

AND THESE OVER-THE-HILL
LUNGS BREATHING.

I KNOW HOW DEDICATED
YOU ARE TO SEEING ME DIE.

WHO CAME HERE 25 YEARS AGO

WHEN YOU WERE CRIPPLED
AND SICK AND COULDN'T MOVE?

WHO CAME HERE AND NURSED
YOU AND KEPT YOU ALIVE?

YOU DID!

YOU DID, YOU
SCROUNGING FEMALE APE.

NOW LET'S GET DOWN TO CASES.

WHY DID YOU COME?

WAS IT OUT OF LOVE, BARBARA?

WAS IT OUT OF A
PALPITATING COMPASSION

OR A FLAGPOLE-STIFF LOYALTY?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY YOU CAME.

YOU STAYED ON MONTH AFTER
MONTH, YEAR AFTER YEAR,

BECAUSE EVERY PRAYER
THAT CAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH

WAS A SUPPLICATION THAT I'D
DIE BEFORE THE NEXT MORNING.

SO DON'T GO MOUTHING

YOUR SWEETNESSES AT ME,

YOU THIN-LIPPED,
TOOTHPICK-LEGGED CONNIVER.

EVERYTHING YOU DID FOR
ME, YOU DID FOR GREED.

GREED!

GREED SO BIG, SO THICK, SO HEAVY

THAT IT BLOTTED OUT EVEN
THE HATRED INSIDE YOU.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
YOU MONEY-SICK CRONE.

YOU'LL GET PAID
OFF IN DUE COURSE,

BUT BEFORE THAT, YOU'LL PAY
THROUGH EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY.

YOU'LL PAY, YOU UGLY
HARPY, YOU, YOU...

( crashing and
falling down stairs)

BARBARA... HELP ME.

BARBARA... WHY
WON'T YOU HELP ME?

WHY DON'T YOU HELP ME, BARBARA?

WHAT'S THAT?

WHAT'S THAT, UNCLE? I
DIDN'T QUITE HEAR YOU.

SPEAK A LITTLE
LOUDER, WOULD YOU?

TELL ME WHAT IT IS
THAT YOU WANTED.

I THINK MY BACK IS BROKEN.

YOU SAY YOU WANT
SOME HOT CHOCOLATE?

DO YOU WANT IT IN THE
ENGLISH BONE CHINA CUP?

WHAT IS YOUR PLEASURE, UNCLE?

YOU SAY YOU WANT ME

TO CLOSE THE DRAPES
AND SHUT THE WINDOWS?

BARBARA... BARBARA... BARBARA?

YOU WANT BARBARA?

SHE'S RIGHT HERE, LOVE,
STANDING RIGHT ABOVE YOU.

CAN'T YOU SEE HER?

CAN'T YOU HEAR HER,

YOU ANCIENT ALBATROSS
WITH A DIRTY MOUTH?

UNCLE SIMON?

UNCLE SIMON?

PLEASE... DON'T DIE
QUITE THIS MOMENT.

IF YOU CAN HOLD ON, TRY,
TRY JUST FOR A SECOND.

I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I WANT TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

AS OF THIS SECOND, AS
OF THIS VERY SECOND,

I HAVE QUIT SUFFERING
BECAUSE OF YOU.

I AM NO LONGER
SOWING, UNCLE SIMON.

AS OF RIGHT NOW, I
AM GOING TO REAP!

HEY, WORLD, I'M BACK!

I'M REALLY BACK!

IF YOU GIVE ME THE SENSE OF IT,

I CAN DISPOSE OF SOME THINGS.

THAT IS THE SENSE OF IT.

THE WILL VERY
EXPLICITLY REQUIRES

THAT YOU THROW AWAY NOTHING.

YOU KEEP EVERYTHING INTACT.

I SEE.

THE HOUSE, ITS FURNISHINGS...

EVERYTHING GOES
TO YOU IN PERPETUITY.

THE PROVISO IS, OF COURSE,
THAT YOU REMAIN HERE.

WHERE WOULD I
GO? THIS IS MY HOME.

OF COURSE, OF COURSE.

BUT, UH, THE DOCUMENT IS
QUITE CLEAR IN ITS INTENT.

EVERYTHING WILL
REMAIN IN YOUR NAME

SO LONG AS YOU
ARE ON THE PREMISES.

THE SAME THING APPLIES
TO THE VARIOUS SECURITIES

AND THE CASH, WHICH
IS QUITE SIZABLE.

IT'S BEEN SET UP IN TRUST.

YOU'RE TO DRAW THE
INTEREST ACCRUING

SO LONG AS YOU
REMAIN IN THE HOUSE.

WHERE COULD ANYBODY FIND A
MAN WITH A HEART AS BIG AS HIS?

UH, NOW THIS...
THIS IS A CODICIL

YOUR UNCLE HAD
DELIVERED TO MY OFFICE.

HIS INSTRUCTIONS WERE
TO INCLUDE IT IN THE WILL.

( mumbling): "ADD THIS CODICIL...
ADDITIONAL STIPULATION..."

UH... HMM.

THE SENSE OF THIS

IS THAT TO QUALIFY FOR
THE OTHER LEGACIES,

THERE IS ONE
ADDITIONAL STIPULATION:

YOU'RE TO CARE FOR ALL OF
YOUR UNCLE'S EXPERIMENTS.

"CARE FOR"... THAT'S ODD...

I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
MR. SCHWIMMER.

JUST EXACTLY WHAT
EXPERIMENTS DID HE MEAN?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

BUT, UH, IT READS AS FOLLOWS:

"MY BELOVED NIECE, BARBARA,

"WILL BE RESPONSIBLE
FOR THE WELL-BEING

"OF MY LATEST EXPERIMENT.

"SHE WILL LOOK AFTER IT AND
SEE TO ITS WANTS AND NEEDS.

"A MEMBER OF THE LAW FIRM OF
SCHWIMMER, SCHWIMMER, KING,

"BATHRICK, PEPPERIN,
AND SCHWIMMER

"WILL VISIT EACH WEEK TO SEE
THIS STIPULATION IS ADHERED TO.

"IN THE EVENT MY BELOVED
NIECE BARBARA FAILS TO COMPLY

"WITH THE PROVISIONS HEREOF,
I HEREBY GIVE AND BEQUEATH

"ALL PROPERTY, BOTH
REAL AND PERSONAL,

TO THE STATE UNIVERSITY."

NOW, THE SENSE
OF THAT, MISS POLK...

JUST WHAT IS THE SENSE OF THAT?

I GATHER IT DEPENDS ON THE
NATURE OF THE EXPERIMENT.

HE REFERS TO IT AS "IT."

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT "IT" IS?

NO IDEA AT ALL,

EXCEPT THAT WHATEVER IT IS,
IT MUST BE IN THE LABORATORY.

WELL, NOTHING IN HERE
OF ANY CONSEQUENCE.

( mechanical voice):
HOW DO YOU DO?

I'M A MECHANICAL MAN

BUILT BY YOUR LATE
UNCLE SIMON POLK.

YOUR OPENING THE
DOOR HAS ACTIVATED

ALL OF MY OPERATING RELAYS.

BE PATIENT WITH ME,

BECAUSE ACCORDING TO PLAN...

ACCORDING TO PLAN...
ACCORDING TO PLAN...

ACCORDING TO... IT
WILL BE SEVERAL DAYS

BEFORE I CAN FUNCTION
AT MAXIMUM CAPACITY.

I BID YOU GREETINGS.

HELLO, BARBARA.

( mechanical voice): BAR-BARA!

BAR-BARA!

I'M GOING OUT, FRANKENSTEIN.

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,
LIKE A CAN OF LUBRICANT,

GET IT YOURSELF.

YOU MUST NOT LEAVE.

MR. SCHWIMMER IS COMING TONIGHT.

A WEEK HAS GONE BY.

ISN'T MR. SCHWIMMER COMING?

( imitating robot): YES,
MR. SCHWIMMER IS COMING.

HE'LL BE HERE AT 8:00.

GOOD.

GOOD?

GOOD FOR WHAT?

HE WILL SEE THAT I AM
FUNCTIONING PROPERLY.

YOU SEE, I AM LIKE AN INFANT.

I AM MATURING GRADUALLY.

SOON, I WILL HAVE
ALL MY FACULTIES.

I WILL BE ABLE TO
PERFORM ALL MY FUNCTIONS.

I WILL BE A WHOLE BEING.

HOW NICE.

HOW PERFECTLY
GRAND. HOW EXCITING.

YOU'LL BE A WHOLE BEING.

THEN WHAT WILL HAPPEN?

I WILL TAKE ON HUMAN ATTRIBUTES,

THOSE WHICH YOUR UNCLE SIMON

SAW FIT TO GIVE ME.

MY UNCLE SIMON, HMM?

THERE WAS A PRINCE OF A MAN.

A... A BRILLIANT MAN.

THIS IS INTERESTING.

THIS IS VERY INTERESTING.

IT'S COMING THROUGH NOW.

WHAT IS?

A... A CRAVING.

A NEW CRAVING.

HOT CHOCOLATE.

I WOULD LOVE A CUP
OF HOT CHOCOLATE.

( doorbell rings)

MISS POLK.

WELL, YOU LOOK
LOVELY, MISS POLK.

AND HOW IS...

HOW IS YOUNG MASTER POLK, HMM?

( chuckles)

( door opening)

YOU TOOK THOSE
KEYS OFF THE DESK.

GIVE THEM BACK TO ME.

OH, NO, I MUST KEEP THE
LABORATORY DOOR LOCKED.

YOU MUST NOT COME DOWN.

IT IS MY ROOM. IT BELONGS TO ME.

BARBARA...

WON'T YOU BRING ME
SOME HOT CHOCOLATE?

AFTER YOU BRING ME
MY HOT CHOCOLATE,

WOULD YOU PLEASE
CLOSE ALL THE WINDOWS

AND PULL THE DRAPES?

I DON'T LIKE THE LIGHT.

I DON'T LIKE THE DRAFT.

( speaking in Uncle Simon's voice):
WHAT IS THE MATTER, BARBARA?

TELL ME, PLEASE,
WHAT IS THE MATTER?

WHAT IS THE MATTER?

WHAT IS THE MATTER,

YOU PEANUT-HEADED SAMPLE
OF NATURE'S CARELESSNESS?

( crashing)

BARBARA... BARBARA... HELP ME...

HELP... ME...

AH, HOW ARE YOU THIS
EVENING, MISS POLK?

HE, UH... IT IS RATHER
QUIET THESE DAYS.

DOESN'T SEEM TO SAY MUCH.

HE MAKES HIS WANTS KNOWN.

PITY ABOUT HIS... HIS LEG,

BUT HE MANAGES TO
GET AROUND, DOESN'T HE?

INDEED, HE DOES.
INDEED, HE DOES.

WELL, I'LL SEE YOU NEXT
WEEK. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

NO NEED TO SHOW ME OUT.

Uncle Simon's voice: BARBARA.

BARBARA?

BARBARA, MY DEAR,
IF YOU COULD PREVAIL

UPON THAT RAGGEDY ANN
CARCASS OF YOURS TO EXERT ITSELF,

I'D LIKE A CUP OF HOT CHOCOLATE.

I WOULD LIKE IT IN THE
ENGLISH BONE CHINA CUP,

AND IF IT'S NOT HOT, I'LL
THROW IT ON THE FLOOR.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL MAKE SOME.

SPEAK UP, YOU LINT-HEADED
CLOD. I COULDN'T HEAR YOU.

I'LL MAKE SOME HOT CHOCOLATE.

MOVE, YOU TOPPING LOTUS-EATER.

BE SURE IT'S HOT.

DO YOU HEAR ME?

MAKE SURE IT'S HOT.

WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE
YOU MOVE, YOU BOVINE CRAB?

I'LL FIX IT FOR YOU NOW.

YOU'LL FIX IT FOR
ME NOW... WHAT?

I'LL FIX IT FOR
YOU NOW... UNCLE.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE: A METAL MAN
WHO'LL GO BY THE NAME OF SIMON,

WHOSE LIFE AS WELL AS HIS BODY
HAS BEEN STAMPED ON FOR HIM.

AND THE WOMAN
WHO TENDS TO HIM...

THE LADY BARBARA, WHO'S
DISCOVERED BELATEDLY

THAT ALL BAD THINGS
DON'T COME TO AN END,

AND THAT ONCE A BED IS MADE,
IT'S NECESSARY YOU SLEEP IN IT.

TONIGHT'S UNCOMFORTABLE
LITTLE EXERCISE

IN AVARICE AND AUTOMATONS
FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

Announcer: AND NOW, MR. SERLING.

NEXT ON TWILIGHT ZONE,

AN EMINENT PERFORMER
OF STAGE AND SCREEN,

MR. RICHARD BASEHART,
IN AN ODD-BALL EXCURSION

THAT WE CALL "PROBE
SEVEN, OVER AND OUT."

ON OCCASION, WE'LL COME UP WITH
A WILD AND WOOLLY DENOUEMENT,

BUT THIS PARTICULAR OPUS
HAS AN UNPREDICTABLE ENDING

THAT WE DOUBT IF EVEN
THE MOST SEASONED TZ FANS

WILL BE ABLE TO PICK UP BEFORE
IT HAPPENS ON YOUR SCREEN.

NEXT ON TWILIGHT ZONE,
"PROBE SEVEN, OVER AND OUT."