The Twilight Zone (1959–1964): Season 5, Episode 24 - What's in the Box - full transcript
Philanderer Joe Britt sees his indiscretions shown on his own TV set after it was worked on by a unique repairman.
YOU UNLOCK THIS DOOR
WITH THE KEY OF IMAGINATION.
BEYOND IT IS
ANOTHER DIMENSION...
A DIMENSION OF SOUND,
A DIMENSION OF SIGHT,
A DIMENSION OF MIND.
YOU'RE MOVING INTO A LAND OF
BOTH SHADOW AND SUBSTANCE,
OF THINGS AND IDEAS.
YOU'VE JUST CROSSED
OVER INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
Woman: Mother, I'm having a
baby, and I'd rather do it myself.
Man: We'll have
to operate at once.
Scalpel... suture...
Watch it, nurse!
GREAT DINNER.
GLAD YOU LIKE IT.
TASTES LIKE CORRUGATED PLASTIC.
KEEP BEING LATE.
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?
I DON'T EXPECT NOTHING.
I'M JUST GETTING SICK OF IT.
YOU'RE GETTING SICK OF IT?
HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?
I DON'T GET A MAN COMING HOME.
I GET A USED ARTICLE
FROM THE CAB.
HEY, CUT IT DOWN
TO A ROAR, WILL YOU?
REMEMBER, WE GOT COMPANY.
ANYWAY, I TOLD YOU...
GUY HAILS ME WHEN I'M
HEADING FOR THE GARAGE.
HAVE TO HAUL HIM
ALL THE WAY UP TO...
TO... TO YONKERS.
I'VE HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE.
ONE DAY YONKERS,
ONE DAY LA GUARDIA AIRPORT.
YOU DON'T FOOL ME, JOE.
WHO'S THE CHICK?
AH, YOU'RE CRAZY.
Woman on TV: Mother...
HEY, HOW LONG IS
THAT GUY GOING TO BE?
I GOT WRESTLING COMING ON.
BIG TAG TEAM MATCH...
FAT LOUIE AND THE RUSSIAN DUKE
VERSUS THE PANTHER
MAN AND SWEENEY.
YOU CAN'T LOOK ME
IN THE EYE ANYMORE,
YOU'RE SO GUILTY.
BUT DON'T JUMP
OUT A WINDOW, JOE.
ONE OF THESE DAYS,
I'LL EVEN UP THE SCORE.
IT'LL BE A REAL TIGHT BALL GAME.
THAT GOOD-LOOKING FREDDY
BROOME, THE BUTCHER,
IS ALWAYS LOOKING ME OVER.
YOU'D THINK I WAS CLEOPATRA.
AH, SHUT UP.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO DO, START A FIGHT?
ONCE THAT JOKER IN
THERE GETS DONE FIDDLING,
I'M GOING TO WATCH WRESTLING
AND THEN FLAKE OUT.
I'M POOPED.
I'LL BET YOU ARE.
YOU DROVE TO YONKERS,
MAYBE EVEN WENT TWICE.
YOU SHOULDN'T
DRIVE SO MUCH, JOE.
YOU'LL RUIN YOUR HEALTH!
HOW'S IT COMING, MIKE?
WHO KNOWS?
IT MAY LIVE.
YOU'VE BEEN AT IT AN HOUR NOW.
I COULD BUILD A NEW
SET IN HALF THE TIME.
OH? IS THAT SO?
SURE, AND YOU BETTER GET WISE.
I DIDN'T JUST STEP OFF
THE FERRY FROM JERSEY.
I KNOW HOW YOU GUYS OPERATE.
DO YOU?
NATURALLY.
FIRST YOU KILL A FIVE-BUCK HOUR,
THEN YOU SAY YOU
GOT TO TAKE THE SET
DOWN TO THE SHOP...
ANOTHER 20 BUCKS.
THEN YOU START SWITCHING
TUBES AROUND AT $2.50 A CRACK.
I GET SOME POOR SUCKER'S
OLD ONES, AND HE GETS MINE.
IT'S A RACKET...
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
A PENNY-ANTE COSA NOSTRA.
SO SAVE YOURSELF
A HEADACHE, SEE.
I AIN'T SWINGING
FOR NO BIG BILLS.
IN THAT CASE... THE SET'S READY.
WHAT?
IT'S... IT'S READY.
AND THIS TIME, IT'S ON ME.
FREE.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
WELL... YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL.
Your wife, your wife!
That's all I ever hear!
HEY, PHYLLIS, COME ON IN.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
WE CAN GET CHANNEL 10.
If you were any kind of a man,
you'd get rid of her.
PHYLLIS, HURRY UP,
WILL YOU? CHANNEL 10!
I trusted you.
I didn't hold anything back!
I waited!
Aw, come on, don't cry.
Do anything, but
don't cry, will you?
PORTRAIT OF A TV FAN.
JOE BRITT.
CAB DRIVER.
TONIGHT MR. BRITT IS GOING
TO WATCH "A REALLY BIG SHOW"...
SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR THE
CABBY WHO'S SEEN EVERYTHING.
JOE BRITT DOESN'T KNOW IT,
BUT HIS FLAG IS DOWN
AND HIS METER'S RUNNING,
AND HE'S IN HIGH GEAR... ON
HIS WAY TO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
Woman: Marry me.
Joe: Marry you?
Oh, now, look, baby,
we're talking about
two different things.
Love is flowers and
wine with the dinner.
Marriage is a floor mop
and two pounds of hamburger.
Woman: Oh, well, I
don't mind hamburger.
Uh, with onions.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, JOE?
YOU STRUCK DUMB OR SOMETHING?
YOU BIG SLOB! YOU
SPILLED THE BEER.
IT'S A GOOD THING YOUR
MOTHER GAVE US THIS RUG.
I HATE IT, AND ANYTHING,
EVEN BEER STAINS,
IS AN IMPROVEMENT.
NOW QUIT CLOWNING.
YOU SAY WE CAN GET CHANNEL 10?
LEAVE IT ALONE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
OH, COME ON, JOE,
I GOT DISHES TO DO.
I SAID LEAVE IT ALONE!
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH
YOU? YOU NUTS OR SOMETHING?
YOU YELL AT ME TO
COME WATCH CHANNEL 10,
AND WHEN I DROP
EVERYTHING, YOU...
WHAT'S THE MATTER, JOE? IS
THE SET STILL ON THE BLINK?
YES! THAT IS, NO!
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING SCREWY.
YOU KNOW THERE'S NO
CHANNEL 10 AROUND HERE.
I'M SORRY I YELLED AT YOU.
I MUST BE TRAFFIC
HAPPY OR SOMETHING.
I'LL TURN ON THE WRESTLING.
Man: And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
for the main event of the
evening, we bring you a rematch
between those two
titans of wrestling...
Those fearless performers
of the physical arts...
The Wild Panther
and the Russian Duke!
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TAG
TEAM... FAT LOUIE AND SWEENEY?
Joe: Great dinner.
Phyllis: Glad you like it.
Tastes like corrugated plastic.
Keep being late.
What do you expect?
I don't expect nothing.
I'm just getting sick of it.
You're getting sick of it?
How do you think I feel?
I don't get a man coming home.
I get a used
article from the cab.
Hey, cut it down
to a roar, will you?
Remember, we got company.
Anyway, I told you...
Guy hails me when I'm
heading for the garage.
Have to haul him
all the way up to...
to... to Yonkers.
I've heard that one before.
One day Yonkers, one
day La Guardia airport.
JOE?
JOE!
JOE, WAKE UP.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
ARE YOU OKAY NOW?
WHAT?
WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
YOU PROBABLY FAINTED.
FEEL BETTER?
YEAH.
YEAH.
SURE.
MUST HAVE BEEN SOMETHING I ATE.
YEAH, IT COULD BE.
DIDN'T IT TASTE LIKE
CORRUGATED PLASTIC?
WELL, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
I HAD TO HEAT IT THREE TIMES.
LISTEN, JOE, MAYBE
IT'S YOUR HEART.
WHY DON'T YOU GO TO BED,
AND I'LL CALL A DOCTOR?
NO, THERE'S JUST
SOMETHING MIGHTY SCREWY
WITH THAT TELEVISION.
ARE WE OFF ON THAT AGAIN?
LISTEN, PHYLLIS...
ARE YOU SURE YOU NEVER
SAW THAT REPAIR GUY BEFORE?
NOW I AM GOING TO CALL A DOCTOR.
NOW, NOW, WAIT A
MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
PHYLLIS...
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY
IF I TOLD YOU THAT...
THAT I SAW MYSELF ON TV?
HUH! WERE YOU SMILING?
AND WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF
I TOLD YOU I SAW YOU ON TV?
YOU'RE CRACKED.
YOU'RE LOSING YOUR MARBLES.
THAT'S WHAT I FIGURED YOU'D SAY.
OKAY, FORGET IT.
YOU'RE A STUPID COW.
A BIRD BRAIN!
OR ELSE YOU'RE UP TO SOMETHING.
JOE, BABY... "JOE, BABY."
NEVER MIND THAT
"JOE, BABY" STUFF.
I'M ON TO YOU.
YOU'RE TRYING TO TRAP ME!
WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO
GET UP MIGHTY EARLY
IN THE MORNING, SEE?
YOU ARE SICK.
NOW, LISTEN...
YOU GO BACK INTO THE KITCHEN,
LOOK UP THAT REPAIR
GUY IN THE PHONE BOOK.
TELL HIM TO COME BACK
HERE, YOU UNDERSTAND?!
ALL RIGHT, JOE.
BECAUSE IF HE DON'T, SO HELP ME,
I'LL GO DOWN TO HIS
SHOP, WHEREVER IT IS,
AND DRAG HIM HERE!
WHO DO YOU TWO THINK
YOU'RE FOOLING WITH?
OKAY, OKAY, I'LL
CALL HIM RIGHT AWAY!
MEANWHILE, YOU GET IN BED.
HELLO, DR. SALTMAN,
THIS IS MRS. BRITT.
COULD YOU COME
RIGHT OVER, PLEASE?
Ha! Ha!
I'll kill you!
Now turn on the TV, Joe!
You, you...!
Come on! Come on! Give it up!
You, you... you
call yourself a wife?!
You dirty...!
Well, you will, huh?
Going to kill me, are you?
I'll kill you!
Let me go!
Phyllis... Phyllis!
What have I done?
PHYLLIS...
PHYLLIS!
NOW WHAT'S THE MATTER, JOE?
JOE, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
CAN'T YOU HEAR?
CAN'T YOU SEE?
LOOK!
OH, GOD... IT'S A TRICK!
IT'S A TRICK!
IT'S A TRICK!
WELL, I'VE GIVEN HIM A SEDATIVE
AND I'LL WRITE A PRESCRIPTION
FOR SOME TRANQUILIZERS.
AND WE'LL JUST
HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE.
PERHAPS IT WOULD BE WISE
FOR YOU TO SEEK
MORE EXPERT ADVICE.
I'M ONLY A FAMILY
DOCTOR, YOU KNOW,
AND PSYCHIATRY IS
NOT MY SPECIALTY.
HOWEVER, I FEEL THAT
YOUR HUSBAND'S CONDITION
COULD BE RELATIVELY SIMPLE.
I READ AN INTERESTING
PAPER ON RESEARCH
THAT MIGHT APPLY TO
YOUR HUSBAND'S CONDITION.
WHAT CONDITION, DOCTOR?
WELL, ACCORDING TO THIS ARTICLE,
IT'S POSSIBLE FOR
ANYONE TO HAVE DELUSIONS
DIRECTLY ATTRIBUTABLE TO
OUR OVERMECHANIZED CULTURE.
REALLY?
MM. NOW, YOU SAY
HE'S A TV ADDICT.
WELL, PERHAPS HE'S BEEN STARING
AT THIS ELECTRONIC
BLESSING, THE TELEVISION SET,
FOR SO LONG THAT ITS
LIFE HAS BECOME HIS.
YEAH?
AND HE'S REACHED SUCH
A STAGE OF CONFUSION
THAT HE NO LONGER KNOWS
WHETHER HE'S WATCHING
THE ACTION OR
PARTICIPATING IN IT.
NOW, MIND YOU, THIS
IS NOT AN ILLNESS
AFFECTING ONLY THE
JUVENILE OR MORONIC.
I, ON OCCASION, HAVE
FOUND MYSELF ASKING
FOR SUTURES AND SPONGES
DURING OPERATIONS PERFORMED
BY TELEVISION SURGEONS.
OH?
UH, BUT NEVER MIND.
IN MR. BRITT'S
CASE, I RATHER FEEL
HE THINKS HE HAS MURDERED YOU.
WHAT?
OR RATHER, THAT HE WILL.
HE SEEMS TO BE QUITE BEWILDERED
REGARDING THE PAST,
PRESENT AND FUTURE.
WELL, IN ANY CASE,
IT COULD BE SERIOUS,
SO WOULD YOU
HAVE HIM IN MY OFFICE
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, HMM?
ALL RIGHT, DOCTOR.
AND SEE THAT HE GETS A
GOOD NIGHT'S REST TONIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, DOCTOR.
Now, you folks out
there in TV land,
you know Old Country
Boy's not joshing you
when he tells you that this sale
ain't gonna be going
on much longer.
'Cause fast as we move 'em in
now, we're gonna herd 'em out.
We buy by the herd, and
we sells 'em by the herd.
Oh, for you folks uptown,
that's called volume buying.
Well, now, shucks, about
all a country boy can do
with a buck or two
he makes on a sale
is to keep the lights
on, pay the ranch hands.
Now, you know that Old Country
Boy shoots straight with you.
I mean, he tells you right now
if any of his beauties
come up late.
Will you take this
little philly right here?
Hot dog, this one...
Joe: PHYLLIS.
THE DOCTOR WANTS
YOU TO GO TO SLEEP.
THAT'S WHY HE
GAVE YOU A SEDATIVE.
I CAN'T SLEEP.
YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO, EITHER,
IF YOU'D SEEN WHAT I DID.
WELL, STAY AWAKE.
ONLY, WHAT YOU SAW...
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.
HE TOLD YOU?
YES. HE SAID NOT TO WORRY.
HE SAID... HE SAID FOR
YOU TO JUST GO TO SLEEP
AND EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE.
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN GET YOU?
NO, NO, THAT'S OKAY.
PHYLLIS... YES?
I GOT TO TALK TO YOU. SIT DOWN.
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
EVERY TIME YOU START THAT,
WE WIND UP HAVING A FIGHT,
AND IF YOU DON'T MIND,
TONIGHT I'M PASSING.
I'LL MAKE SURE THERE'S NO FIGHT.
DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT.
ANYWAY, I GOT NOTHING
TO FIGHT WITH YOU ABOUT.
IF ANYONE IS TO BLAME FOR
US NOT GETTING ALONG, IT'S ME.
NOW, COME ON, SIT DOWN.
OH, YOU ARE SICK.
YOU'RE NOT WELL, JOE.
IF YOU WERE IN
YOUR RIGHT NOODLE,
YOU WOULDN'T TALK LIKE THAT.
NO, I MEAN IT.
COME ON, I MEAN IT.
COME ON, SIT DOWN, HONEY.
LOOK, PHYLLIS...
YOU KNOW, DRIVING A CAB
IS PRETTY LONELY WORK.
YOU'RE ALL BY YOURSELF
FOR HOURS AND HOURS,
AND IN BETWEEN TIMES,
PEOPLE ARE YELLING AT YOU
TO SLOW DOWN, GO AHEAD,
TO TAKE MADISON AVENUE,
TO NOT TAKE MADISON AVENUE,
TO TURN RIGHT, LEFT, STOP.
AND ON TOP OF IT,
EVERYBODY SAYS YOU'RE CROOKED.
SO... WHEN SOMEBODY COMES ALONG
AND SMILES AT YOU
AND CALLS YOU "MISTER,"
WELL, MAYBE YOU GO ALL
TO PIECES AND START TO THINK
THE MOON AND THE STARS
ARE YOUR PRIVATE PROPERTY
AND THAT IT'S SPRING.
WELL, YOU ACT LIKE A
FIRST-CLASS DONKEY,
KICKING UP YOUR HEELS
LIKE YOU WERE 17 OR 18.
GET WHAT I MEAN?
NO.
WELL...
THERE AIN'T NO POINT IN
DRAWING YOU PICTURES.
WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL
YOU IS THAT, WELL, YOU KNOW...
SEEING YOU DEAD LIKE
THAT, IT WAS AN AWFUL SHOCK
AND IT MADE ME REALIZE THAT...
WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY.
NO. SAY IT.
OKAY, I WILL.
IT TOOK A SHOCK LIKE THAT
TO MAKE ME REALIZE THAT...
THAT YOU ARE NOT... WELL...
IT'S YOU I'M IN LOVE WITH.
I'M TOUCHED.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M REALLY TOUCHED!
ALL RIGHT, DON'T GET NASTY.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO,
GET ALL DEWY AND GOOEY?
AM I SUPPOSED TO
FALL ALL OVER MYSELF
BECAUSE MY HUSBAND OF 27
YEARS FINALLY DECIDES HE LOVES ME?
I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.
AFTER CHASING HALF THE BRONX
AND THE ENTIRE
BOROUGH OF MANHATTAN,
YOU PIN THE BLUE RIBBON ON ME,
WHICH MEANS I WIN A USED NITWIT
TO FEED, TO PAMPER,
TO KEEP AND OBEY
TILL DEATH DO PART!
TAKE IT EASY, PHYLLIS.
I'LL TAKE IT EASY.
I'D TAKE A BUTCHER KNIFE TO YOU
IF YOU WEREN'T IN BED AND
OUT OF YOUR RIGHT MIND.
WHO'S OUT OF HIS RIGHT MIND?
YOU ARE!
IF YOU THINK I'M GOING TO TAKE
YOUR DIRTY DOINGS LYING DOWN...
SO SOME GUY HAILED YOU
ON THE WAY TO THE GARAGE
AND ASKED YOU TO
TAKE HIM TO YONKERS.
NO WONDER WE'VE BEEN SHORT
OF MONEY FOR THE LAST MONTH!
YOU'VE BEEN BLOWING IT ALL
ON THAT FLEA-BITTEN FLOOZY!
GET OUT OF HERE!
YOU BET I WILL!
IF YOU THINK I'M GOING
TO LIVE WITH A MAN
THAT'S DONE WHAT YOU'VE DONE...
GIVING YOU THE BEST
YEARS OF MY LIFE...
I TRUSTED YOU!
WELL, MR. BRITT, I'M GOING
TO TAKE YOU TO COURT...
YOU AND THAT FANCY
WOMAN OF YOURS,
WHOEVER SHE IS!
GO AHEAD, IF THAT'S
WHAT YOU WANT!
THAT'S THE THANKS I GET
FOR WANTING TO BE HONEST.
THAT'S THE THANKS I GET
FOR WANTING TO
TURN OVER A NEW LEAF.
KILL ME... I'D LIKE
TO SEE HIM TRY IT.
I'LL TEAR HIM LIMB FROM
LIMB, THE DIRTY, ROTTEN CHEAT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I EVER SAW IN HER.
SHE AIN'T GOT NO UNDERSTANDING.
SHE WOULDN'T KNOW SYMPATHY
IF IT HOPPED UP AND
BIT HER ON THE BACKSIDE.
Man on TV: Your honor,
the prosecution objects
to these interruptions
by the defense.
They've had their
chance to refute
the testimony of
our expert witness,
and all they did was to put
Dr. Saltman on the stand.
Now, even he testified
that in his opinion,
the accused was sane when
he committed the murder.
So in this summation, when I
demand the penalty of death...
PHYLLIS!
I'LL "PHYLLIS" YOU!
PHYLLIS!
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO DO, DRIVE ME BUGS?
HOW CAN YOU STAND
THERE LISTENING TO THIS?
Joseph Britt, you
have been found guilty
by a jury of your peers.
It is the judgment of this court
that you be taken to the
Sing Sing State Prison
and there be kept in custody
and put to death
in a manner provided by the law.
HOW CAN YOU JUST STAND THERE?
YOU MUST BE BUGS!
WHAT YOU SEE IS
IN YOUR MIND, JOE,
AND WHAT YOU HEAR
IS YOUR CONSCIENCE.
THERE, TAKE A GOOD LOOK!
TURN IT OFF.
WHY? IT'S JUST ANOTHER
PROGRAM LIKE WRESTLING.
LET'S WATCH IT TOGETHER.
I HAVEN'T HAD A
GOOD LAUGH ALL DAY.
GET OUT OF MY WAY, PHYLLIS!
OOH, I'M SO FRIGHTENED.
YOU SCARE ME TO DEATH.
OH, MY, MY, HOW ROUGH YOU ARE.
TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE, JOE.
WHAT DID YOU SEE,
JOE... LADY WRESTLERS?
WHAT DO YOU SEE, JOE...
A BURLESQUE SHOW?
FAN DANCERS FROM YONKERS?
YONKERS?
FAN DANCERS?
DID YOU SEE THEM, JOE?
YONKERS, YONKERS, YONKERS!
FAN DANCERS!
FAN DANCE!
I'LL KILL YOU!
HA! HA!
I'LL KILL YOU!
HA! HA!
NOW TURN ON THE TV, JOE!
GIVE ME... OH... YOU... YOU...
COME ON, COME ON, GIVE ME THAT!
YOU... YOU... YOU
CALL YOURSELF A WIFE?
OH, YOU DIRTY...!
GET OFF OF ME!
WELL, YOU WILL, HUH?
GOING TO KILL ME, ARE YOU?
I'LL KILL YOU.
PHYLLIS... PHYLLIS!
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
OH...
I DIDN'T REALLY MEAN IT.
I KILLED HER. I KILLED HER.
OH... FIX YOUR SET OKAY, MISTER?
YOU WILL RECOMMEND
MY SERVICE, WON'T YOU?
THE NEXT TIME YOUR
TV SET IS ON THE BLINK,
WHEN YOU'RE IN THE NEED
OF A FIRST-RATE REPAIRMAN,
MAY WE SUGGEST
OUR OWN SPECIALIST?
FACTORY-TRAINED, PROMPT,
HONEST, 24-HOUR SERVICE.
YOU WON'T FIND HIM
IN THE PHONE BOOK,
BUT HIS OFFICE IS
CONVENIENTLY LOCATED...
IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
AND NOW, MR. SERLING.
NEXT ON TWILIGHT ZONE,
WE MOVE INTO NEW ORLEANS
FOR THE MARDI GRAS, AND
WE DO IT WITH A VENGEANCE.
ROBERT KEITH AND MILTON
SELZER APPEAR IN A BIZARRE STORY
OF MEN, MASQUERADES AND MASKS.
THIS IS A SMALL SHOCKER
TO WIND UP YOUR WEEK,
AND IF IT DOESN'T SEND
YOU TO A PSYCHIATRIST,
IT'LL SEND YOU AT
LEAST TO A MIRROR.
ON TWLIGHT ZONE
NEXT, "THE MASKS."
WITH THE KEY OF IMAGINATION.
BEYOND IT IS
ANOTHER DIMENSION...
A DIMENSION OF SOUND,
A DIMENSION OF SIGHT,
A DIMENSION OF MIND.
YOU'RE MOVING INTO A LAND OF
BOTH SHADOW AND SUBSTANCE,
OF THINGS AND IDEAS.
YOU'VE JUST CROSSED
OVER INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
Woman: Mother, I'm having a
baby, and I'd rather do it myself.
Man: We'll have
to operate at once.
Scalpel... suture...
Watch it, nurse!
GREAT DINNER.
GLAD YOU LIKE IT.
TASTES LIKE CORRUGATED PLASTIC.
KEEP BEING LATE.
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?
I DON'T EXPECT NOTHING.
I'M JUST GETTING SICK OF IT.
YOU'RE GETTING SICK OF IT?
HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?
I DON'T GET A MAN COMING HOME.
I GET A USED ARTICLE
FROM THE CAB.
HEY, CUT IT DOWN
TO A ROAR, WILL YOU?
REMEMBER, WE GOT COMPANY.
ANYWAY, I TOLD YOU...
GUY HAILS ME WHEN I'M
HEADING FOR THE GARAGE.
HAVE TO HAUL HIM
ALL THE WAY UP TO...
TO... TO YONKERS.
I'VE HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE.
ONE DAY YONKERS,
ONE DAY LA GUARDIA AIRPORT.
YOU DON'T FOOL ME, JOE.
WHO'S THE CHICK?
AH, YOU'RE CRAZY.
Woman on TV: Mother...
HEY, HOW LONG IS
THAT GUY GOING TO BE?
I GOT WRESTLING COMING ON.
BIG TAG TEAM MATCH...
FAT LOUIE AND THE RUSSIAN DUKE
VERSUS THE PANTHER
MAN AND SWEENEY.
YOU CAN'T LOOK ME
IN THE EYE ANYMORE,
YOU'RE SO GUILTY.
BUT DON'T JUMP
OUT A WINDOW, JOE.
ONE OF THESE DAYS,
I'LL EVEN UP THE SCORE.
IT'LL BE A REAL TIGHT BALL GAME.
THAT GOOD-LOOKING FREDDY
BROOME, THE BUTCHER,
IS ALWAYS LOOKING ME OVER.
YOU'D THINK I WAS CLEOPATRA.
AH, SHUT UP.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO DO, START A FIGHT?
ONCE THAT JOKER IN
THERE GETS DONE FIDDLING,
I'M GOING TO WATCH WRESTLING
AND THEN FLAKE OUT.
I'M POOPED.
I'LL BET YOU ARE.
YOU DROVE TO YONKERS,
MAYBE EVEN WENT TWICE.
YOU SHOULDN'T
DRIVE SO MUCH, JOE.
YOU'LL RUIN YOUR HEALTH!
HOW'S IT COMING, MIKE?
WHO KNOWS?
IT MAY LIVE.
YOU'VE BEEN AT IT AN HOUR NOW.
I COULD BUILD A NEW
SET IN HALF THE TIME.
OH? IS THAT SO?
SURE, AND YOU BETTER GET WISE.
I DIDN'T JUST STEP OFF
THE FERRY FROM JERSEY.
I KNOW HOW YOU GUYS OPERATE.
DO YOU?
NATURALLY.
FIRST YOU KILL A FIVE-BUCK HOUR,
THEN YOU SAY YOU
GOT TO TAKE THE SET
DOWN TO THE SHOP...
ANOTHER 20 BUCKS.
THEN YOU START SWITCHING
TUBES AROUND AT $2.50 A CRACK.
I GET SOME POOR SUCKER'S
OLD ONES, AND HE GETS MINE.
IT'S A RACKET...
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
A PENNY-ANTE COSA NOSTRA.
SO SAVE YOURSELF
A HEADACHE, SEE.
I AIN'T SWINGING
FOR NO BIG BILLS.
IN THAT CASE... THE SET'S READY.
WHAT?
IT'S... IT'S READY.
AND THIS TIME, IT'S ON ME.
FREE.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
WELL... YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL.
Your wife, your wife!
That's all I ever hear!
HEY, PHYLLIS, COME ON IN.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
WE CAN GET CHANNEL 10.
If you were any kind of a man,
you'd get rid of her.
PHYLLIS, HURRY UP,
WILL YOU? CHANNEL 10!
I trusted you.
I didn't hold anything back!
I waited!
Aw, come on, don't cry.
Do anything, but
don't cry, will you?
PORTRAIT OF A TV FAN.
JOE BRITT.
CAB DRIVER.
TONIGHT MR. BRITT IS GOING
TO WATCH "A REALLY BIG SHOW"...
SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR THE
CABBY WHO'S SEEN EVERYTHING.
JOE BRITT DOESN'T KNOW IT,
BUT HIS FLAG IS DOWN
AND HIS METER'S RUNNING,
AND HE'S IN HIGH GEAR... ON
HIS WAY TO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
Woman: Marry me.
Joe: Marry you?
Oh, now, look, baby,
we're talking about
two different things.
Love is flowers and
wine with the dinner.
Marriage is a floor mop
and two pounds of hamburger.
Woman: Oh, well, I
don't mind hamburger.
Uh, with onions.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, JOE?
YOU STRUCK DUMB OR SOMETHING?
YOU BIG SLOB! YOU
SPILLED THE BEER.
IT'S A GOOD THING YOUR
MOTHER GAVE US THIS RUG.
I HATE IT, AND ANYTHING,
EVEN BEER STAINS,
IS AN IMPROVEMENT.
NOW QUIT CLOWNING.
YOU SAY WE CAN GET CHANNEL 10?
LEAVE IT ALONE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
OH, COME ON, JOE,
I GOT DISHES TO DO.
I SAID LEAVE IT ALONE!
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH
YOU? YOU NUTS OR SOMETHING?
YOU YELL AT ME TO
COME WATCH CHANNEL 10,
AND WHEN I DROP
EVERYTHING, YOU...
WHAT'S THE MATTER, JOE? IS
THE SET STILL ON THE BLINK?
YES! THAT IS, NO!
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING SCREWY.
YOU KNOW THERE'S NO
CHANNEL 10 AROUND HERE.
I'M SORRY I YELLED AT YOU.
I MUST BE TRAFFIC
HAPPY OR SOMETHING.
I'LL TURN ON THE WRESTLING.
Man: And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
for the main event of the
evening, we bring you a rematch
between those two
titans of wrestling...
Those fearless performers
of the physical arts...
The Wild Panther
and the Russian Duke!
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TAG
TEAM... FAT LOUIE AND SWEENEY?
Joe: Great dinner.
Phyllis: Glad you like it.
Tastes like corrugated plastic.
Keep being late.
What do you expect?
I don't expect nothing.
I'm just getting sick of it.
You're getting sick of it?
How do you think I feel?
I don't get a man coming home.
I get a used
article from the cab.
Hey, cut it down
to a roar, will you?
Remember, we got company.
Anyway, I told you...
Guy hails me when I'm
heading for the garage.
Have to haul him
all the way up to...
to... to Yonkers.
I've heard that one before.
One day Yonkers, one
day La Guardia airport.
JOE?
JOE!
JOE, WAKE UP.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
ARE YOU OKAY NOW?
WHAT?
WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
YOU PROBABLY FAINTED.
FEEL BETTER?
YEAH.
YEAH.
SURE.
MUST HAVE BEEN SOMETHING I ATE.
YEAH, IT COULD BE.
DIDN'T IT TASTE LIKE
CORRUGATED PLASTIC?
WELL, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
I HAD TO HEAT IT THREE TIMES.
LISTEN, JOE, MAYBE
IT'S YOUR HEART.
WHY DON'T YOU GO TO BED,
AND I'LL CALL A DOCTOR?
NO, THERE'S JUST
SOMETHING MIGHTY SCREWY
WITH THAT TELEVISION.
ARE WE OFF ON THAT AGAIN?
LISTEN, PHYLLIS...
ARE YOU SURE YOU NEVER
SAW THAT REPAIR GUY BEFORE?
NOW I AM GOING TO CALL A DOCTOR.
NOW, NOW, WAIT A
MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
PHYLLIS...
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY
IF I TOLD YOU THAT...
THAT I SAW MYSELF ON TV?
HUH! WERE YOU SMILING?
AND WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF
I TOLD YOU I SAW YOU ON TV?
YOU'RE CRACKED.
YOU'RE LOSING YOUR MARBLES.
THAT'S WHAT I FIGURED YOU'D SAY.
OKAY, FORGET IT.
YOU'RE A STUPID COW.
A BIRD BRAIN!
OR ELSE YOU'RE UP TO SOMETHING.
JOE, BABY... "JOE, BABY."
NEVER MIND THAT
"JOE, BABY" STUFF.
I'M ON TO YOU.
YOU'RE TRYING TO TRAP ME!
WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO
GET UP MIGHTY EARLY
IN THE MORNING, SEE?
YOU ARE SICK.
NOW, LISTEN...
YOU GO BACK INTO THE KITCHEN,
LOOK UP THAT REPAIR
GUY IN THE PHONE BOOK.
TELL HIM TO COME BACK
HERE, YOU UNDERSTAND?!
ALL RIGHT, JOE.
BECAUSE IF HE DON'T, SO HELP ME,
I'LL GO DOWN TO HIS
SHOP, WHEREVER IT IS,
AND DRAG HIM HERE!
WHO DO YOU TWO THINK
YOU'RE FOOLING WITH?
OKAY, OKAY, I'LL
CALL HIM RIGHT AWAY!
MEANWHILE, YOU GET IN BED.
HELLO, DR. SALTMAN,
THIS IS MRS. BRITT.
COULD YOU COME
RIGHT OVER, PLEASE?
Ha! Ha!
I'll kill you!
Now turn on the TV, Joe!
You, you...!
Come on! Come on! Give it up!
You, you... you
call yourself a wife?!
You dirty...!
Well, you will, huh?
Going to kill me, are you?
I'll kill you!
Let me go!
Phyllis... Phyllis!
What have I done?
PHYLLIS...
PHYLLIS!
NOW WHAT'S THE MATTER, JOE?
JOE, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
CAN'T YOU HEAR?
CAN'T YOU SEE?
LOOK!
OH, GOD... IT'S A TRICK!
IT'S A TRICK!
IT'S A TRICK!
WELL, I'VE GIVEN HIM A SEDATIVE
AND I'LL WRITE A PRESCRIPTION
FOR SOME TRANQUILIZERS.
AND WE'LL JUST
HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE.
PERHAPS IT WOULD BE WISE
FOR YOU TO SEEK
MORE EXPERT ADVICE.
I'M ONLY A FAMILY
DOCTOR, YOU KNOW,
AND PSYCHIATRY IS
NOT MY SPECIALTY.
HOWEVER, I FEEL THAT
YOUR HUSBAND'S CONDITION
COULD BE RELATIVELY SIMPLE.
I READ AN INTERESTING
PAPER ON RESEARCH
THAT MIGHT APPLY TO
YOUR HUSBAND'S CONDITION.
WHAT CONDITION, DOCTOR?
WELL, ACCORDING TO THIS ARTICLE,
IT'S POSSIBLE FOR
ANYONE TO HAVE DELUSIONS
DIRECTLY ATTRIBUTABLE TO
OUR OVERMECHANIZED CULTURE.
REALLY?
MM. NOW, YOU SAY
HE'S A TV ADDICT.
WELL, PERHAPS HE'S BEEN STARING
AT THIS ELECTRONIC
BLESSING, THE TELEVISION SET,
FOR SO LONG THAT ITS
LIFE HAS BECOME HIS.
YEAH?
AND HE'S REACHED SUCH
A STAGE OF CONFUSION
THAT HE NO LONGER KNOWS
WHETHER HE'S WATCHING
THE ACTION OR
PARTICIPATING IN IT.
NOW, MIND YOU, THIS
IS NOT AN ILLNESS
AFFECTING ONLY THE
JUVENILE OR MORONIC.
I, ON OCCASION, HAVE
FOUND MYSELF ASKING
FOR SUTURES AND SPONGES
DURING OPERATIONS PERFORMED
BY TELEVISION SURGEONS.
OH?
UH, BUT NEVER MIND.
IN MR. BRITT'S
CASE, I RATHER FEEL
HE THINKS HE HAS MURDERED YOU.
WHAT?
OR RATHER, THAT HE WILL.
HE SEEMS TO BE QUITE BEWILDERED
REGARDING THE PAST,
PRESENT AND FUTURE.
WELL, IN ANY CASE,
IT COULD BE SERIOUS,
SO WOULD YOU
HAVE HIM IN MY OFFICE
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, HMM?
ALL RIGHT, DOCTOR.
AND SEE THAT HE GETS A
GOOD NIGHT'S REST TONIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, DOCTOR.
Now, you folks out
there in TV land,
you know Old Country
Boy's not joshing you
when he tells you that this sale
ain't gonna be going
on much longer.
'Cause fast as we move 'em in
now, we're gonna herd 'em out.
We buy by the herd, and
we sells 'em by the herd.
Oh, for you folks uptown,
that's called volume buying.
Well, now, shucks, about
all a country boy can do
with a buck or two
he makes on a sale
is to keep the lights
on, pay the ranch hands.
Now, you know that Old Country
Boy shoots straight with you.
I mean, he tells you right now
if any of his beauties
come up late.
Will you take this
little philly right here?
Hot dog, this one...
Joe: PHYLLIS.
THE DOCTOR WANTS
YOU TO GO TO SLEEP.
THAT'S WHY HE
GAVE YOU A SEDATIVE.
I CAN'T SLEEP.
YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO, EITHER,
IF YOU'D SEEN WHAT I DID.
WELL, STAY AWAKE.
ONLY, WHAT YOU SAW...
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.
HE TOLD YOU?
YES. HE SAID NOT TO WORRY.
HE SAID... HE SAID FOR
YOU TO JUST GO TO SLEEP
AND EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE.
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN GET YOU?
NO, NO, THAT'S OKAY.
PHYLLIS... YES?
I GOT TO TALK TO YOU. SIT DOWN.
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
EVERY TIME YOU START THAT,
WE WIND UP HAVING A FIGHT,
AND IF YOU DON'T MIND,
TONIGHT I'M PASSING.
I'LL MAKE SURE THERE'S NO FIGHT.
DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT.
ANYWAY, I GOT NOTHING
TO FIGHT WITH YOU ABOUT.
IF ANYONE IS TO BLAME FOR
US NOT GETTING ALONG, IT'S ME.
NOW, COME ON, SIT DOWN.
OH, YOU ARE SICK.
YOU'RE NOT WELL, JOE.
IF YOU WERE IN
YOUR RIGHT NOODLE,
YOU WOULDN'T TALK LIKE THAT.
NO, I MEAN IT.
COME ON, I MEAN IT.
COME ON, SIT DOWN, HONEY.
LOOK, PHYLLIS...
YOU KNOW, DRIVING A CAB
IS PRETTY LONELY WORK.
YOU'RE ALL BY YOURSELF
FOR HOURS AND HOURS,
AND IN BETWEEN TIMES,
PEOPLE ARE YELLING AT YOU
TO SLOW DOWN, GO AHEAD,
TO TAKE MADISON AVENUE,
TO NOT TAKE MADISON AVENUE,
TO TURN RIGHT, LEFT, STOP.
AND ON TOP OF IT,
EVERYBODY SAYS YOU'RE CROOKED.
SO... WHEN SOMEBODY COMES ALONG
AND SMILES AT YOU
AND CALLS YOU "MISTER,"
WELL, MAYBE YOU GO ALL
TO PIECES AND START TO THINK
THE MOON AND THE STARS
ARE YOUR PRIVATE PROPERTY
AND THAT IT'S SPRING.
WELL, YOU ACT LIKE A
FIRST-CLASS DONKEY,
KICKING UP YOUR HEELS
LIKE YOU WERE 17 OR 18.
GET WHAT I MEAN?
NO.
WELL...
THERE AIN'T NO POINT IN
DRAWING YOU PICTURES.
WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL
YOU IS THAT, WELL, YOU KNOW...
SEEING YOU DEAD LIKE
THAT, IT WAS AN AWFUL SHOCK
AND IT MADE ME REALIZE THAT...
WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY.
NO. SAY IT.
OKAY, I WILL.
IT TOOK A SHOCK LIKE THAT
TO MAKE ME REALIZE THAT...
THAT YOU ARE NOT... WELL...
IT'S YOU I'M IN LOVE WITH.
I'M TOUCHED.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M REALLY TOUCHED!
ALL RIGHT, DON'T GET NASTY.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO,
GET ALL DEWY AND GOOEY?
AM I SUPPOSED TO
FALL ALL OVER MYSELF
BECAUSE MY HUSBAND OF 27
YEARS FINALLY DECIDES HE LOVES ME?
I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.
AFTER CHASING HALF THE BRONX
AND THE ENTIRE
BOROUGH OF MANHATTAN,
YOU PIN THE BLUE RIBBON ON ME,
WHICH MEANS I WIN A USED NITWIT
TO FEED, TO PAMPER,
TO KEEP AND OBEY
TILL DEATH DO PART!
TAKE IT EASY, PHYLLIS.
I'LL TAKE IT EASY.
I'D TAKE A BUTCHER KNIFE TO YOU
IF YOU WEREN'T IN BED AND
OUT OF YOUR RIGHT MIND.
WHO'S OUT OF HIS RIGHT MIND?
YOU ARE!
IF YOU THINK I'M GOING TO TAKE
YOUR DIRTY DOINGS LYING DOWN...
SO SOME GUY HAILED YOU
ON THE WAY TO THE GARAGE
AND ASKED YOU TO
TAKE HIM TO YONKERS.
NO WONDER WE'VE BEEN SHORT
OF MONEY FOR THE LAST MONTH!
YOU'VE BEEN BLOWING IT ALL
ON THAT FLEA-BITTEN FLOOZY!
GET OUT OF HERE!
YOU BET I WILL!
IF YOU THINK I'M GOING
TO LIVE WITH A MAN
THAT'S DONE WHAT YOU'VE DONE...
GIVING YOU THE BEST
YEARS OF MY LIFE...
I TRUSTED YOU!
WELL, MR. BRITT, I'M GOING
TO TAKE YOU TO COURT...
YOU AND THAT FANCY
WOMAN OF YOURS,
WHOEVER SHE IS!
GO AHEAD, IF THAT'S
WHAT YOU WANT!
THAT'S THE THANKS I GET
FOR WANTING TO BE HONEST.
THAT'S THE THANKS I GET
FOR WANTING TO
TURN OVER A NEW LEAF.
KILL ME... I'D LIKE
TO SEE HIM TRY IT.
I'LL TEAR HIM LIMB FROM
LIMB, THE DIRTY, ROTTEN CHEAT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I EVER SAW IN HER.
SHE AIN'T GOT NO UNDERSTANDING.
SHE WOULDN'T KNOW SYMPATHY
IF IT HOPPED UP AND
BIT HER ON THE BACKSIDE.
Man on TV: Your honor,
the prosecution objects
to these interruptions
by the defense.
They've had their
chance to refute
the testimony of
our expert witness,
and all they did was to put
Dr. Saltman on the stand.
Now, even he testified
that in his opinion,
the accused was sane when
he committed the murder.
So in this summation, when I
demand the penalty of death...
PHYLLIS!
I'LL "PHYLLIS" YOU!
PHYLLIS!
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO DO, DRIVE ME BUGS?
HOW CAN YOU STAND
THERE LISTENING TO THIS?
Joseph Britt, you
have been found guilty
by a jury of your peers.
It is the judgment of this court
that you be taken to the
Sing Sing State Prison
and there be kept in custody
and put to death
in a manner provided by the law.
HOW CAN YOU JUST STAND THERE?
YOU MUST BE BUGS!
WHAT YOU SEE IS
IN YOUR MIND, JOE,
AND WHAT YOU HEAR
IS YOUR CONSCIENCE.
THERE, TAKE A GOOD LOOK!
TURN IT OFF.
WHY? IT'S JUST ANOTHER
PROGRAM LIKE WRESTLING.
LET'S WATCH IT TOGETHER.
I HAVEN'T HAD A
GOOD LAUGH ALL DAY.
GET OUT OF MY WAY, PHYLLIS!
OOH, I'M SO FRIGHTENED.
YOU SCARE ME TO DEATH.
OH, MY, MY, HOW ROUGH YOU ARE.
TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE, JOE.
WHAT DID YOU SEE,
JOE... LADY WRESTLERS?
WHAT DO YOU SEE, JOE...
A BURLESQUE SHOW?
FAN DANCERS FROM YONKERS?
YONKERS?
FAN DANCERS?
DID YOU SEE THEM, JOE?
YONKERS, YONKERS, YONKERS!
FAN DANCERS!
FAN DANCE!
I'LL KILL YOU!
HA! HA!
I'LL KILL YOU!
HA! HA!
NOW TURN ON THE TV, JOE!
GIVE ME... OH... YOU... YOU...
COME ON, COME ON, GIVE ME THAT!
YOU... YOU... YOU
CALL YOURSELF A WIFE?
OH, YOU DIRTY...!
GET OFF OF ME!
WELL, YOU WILL, HUH?
GOING TO KILL ME, ARE YOU?
I'LL KILL YOU.
PHYLLIS... PHYLLIS!
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
OH...
I DIDN'T REALLY MEAN IT.
I KILLED HER. I KILLED HER.
OH... FIX YOUR SET OKAY, MISTER?
YOU WILL RECOMMEND
MY SERVICE, WON'T YOU?
THE NEXT TIME YOUR
TV SET IS ON THE BLINK,
WHEN YOU'RE IN THE NEED
OF A FIRST-RATE REPAIRMAN,
MAY WE SUGGEST
OUR OWN SPECIALIST?
FACTORY-TRAINED, PROMPT,
HONEST, 24-HOUR SERVICE.
YOU WON'T FIND HIM
IN THE PHONE BOOK,
BUT HIS OFFICE IS
CONVENIENTLY LOCATED...
IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
AND NOW, MR. SERLING.
NEXT ON TWILIGHT ZONE,
WE MOVE INTO NEW ORLEANS
FOR THE MARDI GRAS, AND
WE DO IT WITH A VENGEANCE.
ROBERT KEITH AND MILTON
SELZER APPEAR IN A BIZARRE STORY
OF MEN, MASQUERADES AND MASKS.
THIS IS A SMALL SHOCKER
TO WIND UP YOUR WEEK,
AND IF IT DOESN'T SEND
YOU TO A PSYCHIATRIST,
IT'LL SEND YOU AT
LEAST TO A MIRROR.
ON TWLIGHT ZONE
NEXT, "THE MASKS."